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Friday, March 7, 2008

The Power of the Grilled Jesus Compels You!

Part Three in the, If I Were a Rich Man series

As I close out this series, I have no other real words of wisdom or great anectdotal tales of what I would do with vast riches. I merely wish to relate one of my more recent brainstorms on how to make it big.

I have come to realize that there are two reasons why American is one of the greatest places on Earth. The first is that this is the land of opportunity and we all have the ability to create and sell whatever we want in our quest for the all mighty dollar. The other is that there will always be someone out there stupid or crazy enough to buy your product. With that, I give you one of my evil little plans. The kind of sick and twisted idea that only the genius possess and insane lament. In the past few years there has been an influx of religious artifacts appearing in the most domestic of settings. While I'm sure the Vatican has dispatched their forces to the four corners of the Earth as well as Iowa to debunk such finds, the fact remains, we are in the midst of a revolution. One that threatens to shake the very core of our lunches. I'm talking about the appearance of holy and religious images on everyday items. Most recently, the case of the Virgin Mary burned into a grilled cheese sandwhich caught national attention not because of its impact on our dogmatic beliefs, but because someone was dumb enough to pay $28,000 on eBay., ever the finder of rare antiquities, purchased the snack on eBay back in 2004.

It is my belief that this sandwhich should not be taken lightly. I suggest that it is a sign sent to us crazy bastards to take advantage of this epiphany. However, my attempts to capitalize on this event were met with guffaws and rolling of eyes. It doesn't take me walking around the streets of my town with a sandwhich board to spell it out. The answers are there, bubbling up through the nooks and cranies of our grilled cheese.

I give you the Grilled Jesus.

Unfortunately, someone beat me to it. I suffer from having great ideas but no ability to maket and pitch to investors. This idea was so simple, though, I figured it a slam dunk in the old baptismal font. Just make a mold like you would for pizzelles, but make it in the form of Jesus. What, you feel I'm insensitive? That I should be struck down for my blasphemous ways? I'm not saying create a sandwhich and sell it on the internet as genuine religious phenomena, that would be wrong. I meant create the mold and market it as a novelty item in Spencers. The Church has been selling salvation to us for years at a price. I merely wish to capitalize on the fact that for the most part, people have a sense of humor and aren't taking things too serious.

Damn it, I tell you I had it all mapped out. For only $19.95 plus shipping and handling you can savor the saviour. Put them in the kids lunches gauranteeing them early entry into college. Send one to work with your husband when it comes time for a raise. Why shouldn't we all find a little hallelujah in a hot lunch? Call now and we'll double your order and throw in the book of Psalm Soduku puzzles.

Ok, that last part was pushing it a little, even for me. Frankly, I give little creedence to these Mary on a sliding glass door or Jesus in the ice cube tray stories. But as long as someone out there is willing to pay insane amounts of money for these items, then I should be allowed to exploit their stupidty and say they can remit a check or money order to me at Poophill Products c/o Mongo.

Can I interest you in our Bris-O-Matic It slices, it dices..........yeah, ok, that was way beyond wrong......but admit it, you laughed.

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