Got Mongo? Feed On This!"
Become a fan of the STORE on Facebook. Click here.
Become a fan of the BLOG on Facebook. Click Here

Monday, October 31, 2011

WUMF: October Edition

Happy Halloween to you all and to all another edition of What’s Up, My Friends? The popular game show with no prizes and very little game.

We had another round of beer swapping at work this month and the theme was, of course, Octoberfest. One of the big rules was to avoid getting Pumpkin Beers because that’s too easy. My selection was Victory Festbier.

My overall thoughts? Meh. While, I have gotten into drinking more craft beers than the regular water based ones like your big three brands, I still cannot get over the taste of some of the more hoppy or bitter beers. Not that there’s anything wrong with bitter beers, in fact, I’m pretty sure most beer aficionados will tell you that those commercials for bitter beer face are proof that most beer drinkers are wusses and can’t handle real beer.

However, not all the beer was bad, although my selection of Victory Festbier tasted like skunk piss. The Great Lakes Oktoberfest was pretty decent. Leinenkugel wasn’t that bad. And even the Buffalo Bills Pumpkin Ale, which not only smelled like ass and was not supposed to be included, tasted OK. Maybe I’m a beer wuss but I don’t drink beer to be a beer drinker. I drink beer that tastes good. I’m not opposed to trying a new kind, but I won’t buy it again if I don’t like it.

Vegas Baby!
Last week my wife and I took a trip to Vegas. It was basically a second honeymoon since the first one was a bit awful. It wasn’t awful to be at Niagara Falls and it wasn’t awful to stay in the Embassy Suites Falls view deluxe sweet or eat at the Keg restaurant. It was just awful that my new bride was sick as a dog with pneumonia. So, when an opportunity to go on business arrived, and then fell apart, I decided to go anyway and include her.

I not a big gambler and I didn’t plan on doing a lot of sightseeing. There was no plan to go out to Hoover Dam or walk on into the desert and say, “Hey, I bet some guy from the 50s is buried over there.” I just want to go and sleep in, do some gambling, eat good and relax.

I'll give a more in depth update on the trip because, oh boy, was there some great stuff to rant and rave about on the way to and from Vegas.  Stay tuned.

Shit My Kid Says
A while back I told you about my kid saying the Pledge of Allegiance as a blessing for dinner, one night. She has some other great insights. “I’m beautiful, because I’m a girl. Boys are ugly.”

Friday, October 21, 2011

Lions and Tigers and Bears in Ohio

What the hell is going on in Ohio?  Yesterday, the town of Zanesville, OH went into lock down because exotic animals were roaming the town.  There were wolves, a giraffe, and monkeys running amok.  Due to the lateness in the day and uninsured results from tranquilizers, the police force were ordered to shoot the animals if necessary.  Carson Palmer is probably glad he got traded.  Otherwise he might have been put down, too.   Efforts by news media to not quote The Wizard of Oz were strained, at best.  And at the moment, there is still a monkey on the loose.  A monkey that was said to have herpes is out there running around, hanging around bars and trying to pick up loose women.

Jumanji Stampede

Turns out, the owner of the animals was just released from prison about a month ago, his wife left him, he was worried that pending laws were going to force him to have to sell his animals, and he decided that his only recourse was to shoot himself and then unlock all the cages before succumbing to his self inflicted wound.

I smell a conspiracy.
The Army of the 12 Monkeys Did It

Electronic signs on the highway warned people of exotic animals on the loose, don’t stop, stay in your car.  Could you imagine driving through Ohio on business and seeing this?  You would have thought two jackasses hacked the signs like they did in  North Carolina a few years ago.

And let’s think about this guy for a second.   He’s been under scrutiny before because of his animals.  There is a rumor that he was using some of the exotic animals for wild game hunting.  So, he deserved to have the animals taken away from him.  But this was turning out to be a bad country song.  “I just got out of prison, my wife left me, and the 'gubment' is taking away my tiger.  I wish I would die.”  So, fine, go off yourself and leave instructions for the animals to be moved to appropriate facilities.   Don’t shoot yourself and then wreak havoc by letting wild animals loose in suburbia.

And how the hell did the monkey get herpes?!?!?   Better yet, how did they know it had it?

Wednesday, October 19, 2011


I am in no way a very religious person. We’ll leave it at that. My kid already has a firm grasp on what death means when we lost my mother-in-law. No child should have to experience a loss like that at the age of two. Still, she’s a trooper and managed to come out wiser than her peer group. And while I may not hold the same belief structure as my wife, I am trying to honor her wishes and raise our daughter in alignment with hers. When she gets older, she can eventually make her own decisions based on all the available information about what she chooses to believe.

That all being said, at the dinner table in our home, we do say grace. Usually, my wife or father-in-law will be the one to say it. Although, this past Sunday, my daughter wanted to take a stab at it. Wondering where this was going to go and expecting a train wreck, we entertained her request and prepared for something out of the ordinary. At least, we’d get a laugh out of it.

Here's a dramatic re-enactment.

I shit you not. She went into the full version of the Pledge of Allegiance, word for word, spot on. As she was saying it, my wife and I both slowly looked up and then at each other, smiling from ear to ear.

Apparently, she learned this at preschool. My father-in-law said, “How many four year-olds can do that?” I guess at least one classroom full.

For Thanksgiving, we’re hoping she whips out the “Star Spangled Banner”.
Somewhere, in the aether, there is a shit eating grin and cackles of laughter. It would have made her Grammy’s day.

Saturday, October 15, 2011

Charlton Heston, "We Blew It All Up" And Then Asked For Money

NRA called me at 9:00 AM!!?!?!?  This is yet another unwanted call and I have no affiliation with the NRA.  However, they are "non-profit" and are exempt, I guess.  Just like Peggy, I have no use for these asshats."Take my number out of your database you damned dirty fanatics!"

Back in my days of working in a banquet department, at a hotel, we used to do big banquets for organizations like the NRA, Wild Turkey Federation and the Safari Club.   You should hear the ridiculous crap that spews from the organizer's mouth.   Unreal.

S'ok.  Just call 855-348-2371.  Press 1, then 3 and enter your phone number.  If they don't stop calling, they're in violation of some straw man organization that's supposed to stop unwanted calls.

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Peggy Would Like To Lower My Interest Rate

I am on the Do Not Call list. That and $0.50 will get me ¾ of a Snickers bar from the vending machine. I understand it’s more of a pointing finger of shame instead of a great deterrent. I’ve complained about telemarkerters and there form letter response was that it’s too hard to track down people who have sophisticated equipment that spoofs phone numbers, yadda yadda yadda. In other words, we have a billion dollar version of , “If you call them, I’m telling mom.”

Needless to say, I would still get calls on a semi-regular basis for anything from surveys to political organizations to groups asking for donations. These are exceptions to the list of people who cannot call you. These are as annoying as telemarketers. These are what make me want to keep an air horn handy for when they call.

So, recently, my wife got a call from someone asking if we wanted to lower our interest rates on our credit card. She almost gave out our card number and then realized, “Wait a minute? I don’t know who these people are. The phone number came up 1-783-000-whiskey-tango-foxtrot.” She told me all about it and I praised her for realizing the scam early on in the conversation.

On Sunday, I saw the number come up on the Caller ID and decided to go after this prick. I pushed 9 and waited till the person with the less than stellar grasp of the English language went through his spiel.

“What company do you work for?” I asked.

“Visa and Mastercard. Do you have a Visa or Mastercard?” he said.

“No” I lied.

“How about a Discover or Chase card?” He asked.

“Wait, you just said you worked for Visa and Mastercard. Why would you want to know if I had a Chase or Discover?”

He then repeated himself. I said, “OK, hold on. Look, you guys called my wife last week and I’m on the Do Not Call list. So, what company is this and what’s your phone number. I’m going to file a complaint.”

“Visa and Mastercard.”

“Look, pal. You don’t work for Visa or Mastercard. In fact, I’m pretty sure all you want is for me to give you my credit card so you can steal my identity. Give me your supervisor.”

Immediately, there’s a “HELLO” on the line as if his buddy was listening in. “Are you the supervisor?” I asked.


“Is this a supervisor?"


What company do you work for?”

“Financial Services.”

“Not what department. What company. You know, the one that’s on your paychecks.”

“Financial Services, Inc.”

“That’s not the name of the company. You’re just two guys sitting in a garage somewhere in Bangladesh. If I give you my credit card number, I’ll actually have debt and you will have stolen my identity. How dumb do you think I am?”

“Sir, we are not..”

“Ok, fine. Give me your phone number and I’ll call you back.”


At this point, I try to hang up and call but somehow I’m still on the line with them and I try to dial the number. I hear a “Hello” on the other end and ask who I am talking to.

“Attorney General’s office.”

“Yeah right. It’s still you.”

“Hasta La Vista, baby.”

I hang up and try to dial the number which turns out to be a sex line. Hopefully, the result of my tirade will be that they just stop calling me and I’m done with it. Otherwise, I turn my phone over to my daughter and record the call for the hilarity of it.

In any case, the take away is, do not under any circumstances give anyone your credit card number or give them any information about yourself. I worry about elderly or desperate people who think this is legit and get taken by Peggy and his band of jagoffs.

Because, after all, The Do Not Call list is irrelevant because of the “sophisticated equipment” these idiots are using to disguise their location.

Monday, October 10, 2011

Why Pittsburgh Questions the NFL Officiating

People, who are not fans of the Steelers, wonder why we bitch about the officiating at games.

Can the team impose a fine on the league for being idiots?

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

The Colonel Has Run Out Of Chicken

I think I talked about the trials and tribulations of going to the local KFC in Irwin, PA. Oh, that’s right. I was supposed to and didn’t. I opted to stroll down memory lane, instead. Well, let me give you the basics. The KFC in Irwin sucks! How do I know? Every time I go there they screw up the order or flat out don’t have what I want.

On an evening back in June I went in to pick up dinner for my family and sat there, waiting, for a half hour while they made more chicken. Apparently, they don’t understand that the F and the C in their name stands for Fried Chicken… as in they sell it. This is more of an atrocity than the time that Smokey Bones ran out of chicken because they sell other things but when the actual name of the store contains the word chicken in it, you would expect them to actually have some to sell. But no, I had to wait until they made more. Then, they actually shorted me two pieces.

This was the second time I had an issue. Earlier in the year, they had this confusing circle of fail concerning how to actually order a meal. The ability to actually choose which type of chicken I wanted (leg, thigh, wing, etc.) became a point of contention and they ended up screwing up the division of parts.

Then, this last weekend, my father-in-law got a hankering for some KFC and we decided to go get a 16 piece bucket meal with a coupon he had. It was 16 pieces, however we sliced it, two large sides and eight biscuits. Plenty of food to feed four of us and have some leftovers for lunch the next day. So, I walked in and asked for the bucket and said, “Can I pick which pieces I want?”

They said, “Sure. It usually comes with four of each type, but if you want to substitute breasts for the others, there is an up-charge.”

“Not a problem. I just wanted to know if I could do four wings, four thighs, and then eight drumsticks of extra crispy.”

“Um, we don’t have enough drumsticks.”

Now, normally, most people would not really care. However, usually, my wife only likes the drumsticks and I prefer them if I can get them. Because I was on the third go around with these people, I had a bit of an attitude.

“You mean you are out of chicken? OK, well, how about six drumsticks and you offset the difference with a couple of breasts at no extra charge?”

“Yeah, we don’t have enough of either. Now, you can do four extra crispy and four original drumsticks.”

“Look, I’m just the messenger. I was told to get extra crispy. I’ll need to make a quick call. Can I please have back my coupon that you just crumpled up?”

So, I went outside and called my wife. “What’s wrong this time?” See, she already knew this was a bad idea and I hadn’t even spoken yet.

“They’re out of chicken.”

“What do you mean they’re out of chicken? This is like the time Smokey Bones ran out of…”

“I know! Look, will you be OK with some original recipe drumsticks?”

“Yeah, fine.”

So, I went back in and gave her the coupon and told her I’d take four of each recipe of drumsticks and I was on my way.

This all still begs the question, “How does Kentucky Fried Chicken run out of chicken?!?!”

‘Eff it. I’m going to Popeye’s.

Monday, October 3, 2011

Ben Roethlisberger Performs Best Planking Ever

This was courtesy of The Houston Texans and an ineffective Steelers O-Line.

"Do I win the Internet with this?"
                ~Ben Roethlisberger

What a pitiful game that was.  I turned it off after the first sack-fumble-defensive recovery play.  I turned it on, for a second, during the second half and then went onto other stuff and then caught the last minutes as Ben was saved, albeit briefly, by a roughing the passer call which negated another Houston TD.  Of course, Ben threw it high and into double coverage on Antonio Brown for a game ending interception. 

Well, there's always the Pens.

Shredded Tweets