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Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Space Time Delerium

These are facts I never learned in Physics or any other Science classes I had in school.   I don't know who came up with these but here is a system of measurement based on some weird pseudo reality. 


15 minutes

One of the most well known measurements of fame, coined by Andy Warhol.   "Everyone in the world will be famous for fifteen minutes."  Unfortunately, Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan, Kim Kardashian, Nicole Richey and Britney Spears are collectively past their allotted time by a megawarhol which is 15 million minutes or 28.5 years.

One Week

In the hair care industry this is the accepted unit of measure depicting the difference a bad haircut and a good one.  Even if you have your head shaved, in a week, it will look nice no matter how bumpy your head is. Apparently, it doesn't matter if you were to even have half of your head shaved, in a week, it's perfect.

One Year

The point at which you can stop counting your baby's age in weeks.  Now that my daughter is 13 months or 57.5 weeks old, I'm glad to not have to tabulate the number of weeks in any given month to determine her age.  I mean honestly, how annoying is it to sit there and figure out weeks when eight months have 4 weeks and 4 have 5.  I get it.  Every 3 months is 13 weeks.  Fine, but after the first month is it really necessary to say my kid is 8 weeks old versus 2 months?  Unless you are a doctor or an astrologist, let us keep it at months for the first two years.

Two Years

The point at which you can stop counting your baby's age in months.  This is the other one that bothers me because I'm in the first month of our daughter's second year.  I feel like I'm calculating a high school relationship anniversary.  As much as I want to relish in these hysterical moments when my daughter looks at me, shakes her finger, and says "No! No! No!"  I also want to get to the two year mark so I can stop saying "She's 13 months or 16 months or 21 months."   For some reason the next logical step is to say that she is a half year after the age of 3.  "She's 3 and a half."  It almost sounds like were talking half life in a radioactive setting.   In all my 396 months or 1716 weeks of life, I will never understand this mathematical process.


2 Beers

The maximum amount of alcohol needed to sedate most uncommon drinkers.  The only way to counteract this is to drink a third beer.   I had a friend in high school with an amazing tolerance for alcohol.  The only problem is that he had to have that third beer.  If not, he was drunk and passed out on the floor.



Witches Tit

I've never had the pleasure of measuring this, but I guess it must be pretty cold.  Somewhere south of the temperature needed to freeze the brass balls off a monkey but only comparable if the Witch is wearing a brass brassiere as well.

The Hinges of Hell

I don't think that the temperature is 666 degrees Fahrenheit but it is definitely hotter than a sonafabitch.  In my previous life I was a waiter and as a direct result I have very little sensitivity to temperature in my fingers.   However, if I am told that something is "Hotter than the hinges of Hell."  I know that it is too hot for me to touch.  Again, there is a slight variation if Hell's hinges are made of brass.  Apparently, brass has a moderate conduction of temperature.  The only known thing that is hotter than the hinges of Hell is the Devil's anvil.



20 Minutes

The standard answer for how far are you away from any point in the universe or at least the Pittsburgh area.  How is it that everything appears to be 20 minutes away from your present location?  Does a wormhole open up and magically transport you to your destination when that 20th minute passes?  Could this be the Rosie Ruiz Wormhole?  In my hometown there is a place called Casparis that has caverns throughout the area.  We used to always joke that we could get anywhere, quickly, by taking a shortcut through Casparis.  Now, I understand that a minute is not a common unit of measure in distance or area....unless you are talking in latitude and longitude or using Han Solo's guide for measuring time.

Mendoza Diagonal

The point at which a girl's crazy and psychotic tendencies outweigh her physical appearance.  Thank you Barney Stinson. 

Hell's Half Acre

This is is one of my favorites.  Apparently, anytime you have to reluctantly go anywhere or look for something this is the place.  From what I can tell HHA is located somewhere near East Bumf@#k.  This is apparently where you park when stopping off in HHA.  But be careful of the hinges around there.

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