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Friday, January 28, 2011

Brett Keisel's Beard Facts

It is one of the most magnificent beards in Sports History. Brett Keisel, number 99 on the field and number one in your hearts started growing that beard yesterday. True story. He woke up and said, “Today, I want the most magnificent beard in sports history.” Lo and behold, so it was written, so it shall be done.

The Beard has been on the news.  It has been on shirts.  It's been debated on The NFL Network and named Number One Beard in the NFL.  So, in the interest of stealing someone else’s thunder, here's a list of facts about Brett Keisel’s beard.

  1. 70% of the world is covered by water. The rest is covered by Keisel’s Beard.

  1. Brett Keisel will not shave off his beard after the Super Bowl. It has been given National Park status and will be an animal preserve for endangered species.
  2. In the event of a natural disaster, Brett Keisel’s Beard can be used as a shelter, fully equipped with enough food and supplies to last 50 years.
  3. Keisel’s Beard is made up entirely of Unobtanium and Adamantium. It’s lightweight and indestructible.
  4. The oil from the Deepwater Horizon spill could have been easily cleaned up by having Brett Keisel swim in the Gulf of Mexico.
  5. However, Brett Keisel is not allowed near the ocean because his beard affects the tides.
    Australia is still pissed at Brett Keisel for visiting.
  6. Next year, the turf at Heinz Field is being replaced with Keisel’s Beard.
    Pittsburgh is currently weighing options for drafting a new DE.
  7. The next season of Survivor will take place entirely in Keisel’s Beard.
  8. When the Penguins reach the Stanley Cup Playoffs this year, the games will be broadcast outside The Consol Energy Center on Keisel’s Beard.
  9. Underneath Keisel’s Beard is a retirement home for Kris Kristofferson, Dan Haggerty and Kenny Rogers.
  10. Keisel’s Beard could kick Chuck Norris’ ass.
  11. Brett Keisel finds your lack of beard disturbing.
  12. Keisel’s Beard is better than a Shamwow.
  13. Cost of Jerry Jones’ new Cowboys Stadium, $1.3 billion dollars.   Keisel’s Beard, priceless.
  14. If Aaron Rogers suddenly disappears from the pocket on Super Bowl Sunday, check Keisel’s Beard.
  15. If Troy Polamalu and Brett Keisel had a baby…. well, I don’t even want to think about it, but it would look magnificient.
  16. Brett Keisel’s Beard has caught more passes than Randy Moss, Chad Johnson, Terrell Owens, TJ Houshmandzedah and Santonio Holmes combined, lifetime.
  17. Zod kneels before Keisel’s beard.
  18. Gozer once took the form of Keisel’s Beard. Many Shuvs and Zuuls knew what it was to be roasted in the depths of Keisel’s Beard that day I can tell you.
  19. Keisel’s Beard captured Bin Laden months ago. He’s still in there somewhere.
  20. Tom Brady's plugs.. made from Keisel's Beard.
  21. Cars can get 99 mpg feuled from Keisel's Beard.
  22. Keisel's Beard will get its own ring.
  23. If Punxsuwtaney Phil sees Keisel's Beard on Groundhog Day, it means six more years of Super Bowl Championships.
  24. Monsters check under their beds just to make sure Keisel's Beard isn't there.
  25. The plot of the next Indiana Jones movie involves getting to the center of Keisel's Beard.
  26. Keisel's Beard makes Bieber's hair look like Crosby's mustache.
  27. Keisel's Beard was just signed by the Pirates, ending 18 years of losing seasons.
  28. When Greenbay loses, Keisel's Beard will soak up the tears of the fans and be wrung out over the Sarah Desert, turning it into a lush valley full of vegetation.
  29. Keisel's Beard likes your status.
  30. Twitter follows Keisel's Beard.
  31. Double Rainbows wonder what it means when they see Keisel's Beard.
  32. Toy Story 3 cried like a little baby when it saw Keisel's Beard.

Add your own...

Let's go Steelers!


Anonymous said...

Keisel's beard has been known to make qb's cry and call for their momma.

Anonymous said...

Texas doesn't mess with keisel's beard

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