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Tuesday, January 14, 2014

Click Click, Boom


Yes, you. 

I know you’re there. 

Of course you would come back, one last time.  You’re there, just at the foot of the shadows, close enough to see, but not be heard.   You couldn’t resist it.  You had to make sure there was no chance of survival, but I am still here.  And though I cannot see you out there, watching; your presence is felt, but don't feel sorry for me.

You fumed.  You boiled.  You raged against the restraints of your own design, because you thought you knew better.  You warned me and I didn’t listen.  I got in the path and paid the price.  But I survived the blast and you slunk off into the darkness.  But that wasn’t good enough.  You escaped only to come back and deal the final blow.   And as I knelt, gushing from my chest, you took one last swing just to make sure.  But don't feel sorry for me.

You built that cage, but who was it for?  Was it constructed to keep us out; the ones who sought to embrace the raw and awesome power of such a beautiful thing?  Or was it to keep you in, safe from your own monster.   I think that, locked away from your own existence after countless years of struggling to keep that beast in check, the hinges bent just enough to let something out.  You didn’t intend for it and it was the last thing you wanted, but it was almost inevitable.  It scared you enough to try and reinforce the door, but it was too late to stop it.  But don't feel sorry for me.

It’s much easier to keep something you think is so terrible locked away because you don’t have to witness the destruction and you don’t have to pick up the pieces when it goes ballistic and destroys everything in its path.   As long as it is under wraps nothing will go wrong.   We go about our business, blind to the power that bubbles just below the surface, because you know that time after time, there has been nothing but disaster left in its wake when it gets out.  It’s a wonder why it was ever created in the first place?

But what you don’t understand is that it didn’t have to be that way.   For every single ounce of rage, kept in that prison, there were twice as many in beauty and warmth.   And some may not know what it means to be in its presence.  It scares them.  But, I’ve seen it.  I felt it.  I know it was real, not just rumors told to me.  I hadn’t seen anything like it in so long that I went right towards it like a mosquito on the back porch heads towards a zapper.   And we all know how that ends for the bug.  But I didn’t care, because I thought I could control it.  I wanted to embrace it and see if I could harness it, because the same destructive force struggling to stay in your cage was slowly creeping out of mine.   

But you warned me.  Our mutually assured destruction was inevitable and I didn’t want to listen.  But you know what good lays inside those four walls and you can wield it like a master samurai.  I've seen it in practice. You choose not to.  Perhaps you’re scared to.  Perhaps you think that this will be the one time it turns on you and consumes you completely.   So, instead of it getting free, you chose the rage.  You chose to destroy, because it’s easier to just engulf those around you, leaving no traces, no chance for rebuttal.  But don't feel sorry for me.

I am destroyed.  I am here with a broken body, because I was wrong.   But while you will find some other prison to wall yourself up in, comfortable in the knowing that it’s safely away from those that wish to be in awe of what is truly there, behind the beast, I embrace mine.  I know its power and I know it’s meant to be free to influence and shape those around it.  It’s not a curse to have, it’s a gift.   It won’t be easy.  There will be times that I may not be able to control it and perhaps there will be the same destruction you left.  But you know as well as I do that there was a chance you were wrong;  that mutually assured destruction was not the outcome.  I showed you that.  In your life, you’ve seen how much others have taken advantage of that power and so maybe you think that it’s better to not ever go there, again.  Maybe someone out there has a better cage for it.   Maybe they’re better equipped.   Maybe they will just ignore it and you can go on about your business, silent and content in knowing that the monster is locked away from someone who could never fully appreciate it, but just wishes to keep it at bay.   

It’s the easy way out.  It’s lazy and you are so much stronger than that if only you’d look it right in its eyes.   There was another force willing to share in that burden.  It was there to temper yours, but you were too scared, or too far gone, and for that I feel sorry for you. 

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