I admit it. I have
played that card before. Back in 2009
and 2011, I put Chris Brown on my D-Bag of the year awards list. I judged him in the whole Rhianna thing
because I was a spectator to a TMZ/CNN/E/Social Media deluge of opinion and
edited content to garner ratings. And
now, even though my posting has become lax and two months gone, I am not going
to bring up the current issue except to say this.
We need to stop sitting in judgment of the celebrity. We need to stop sitting in judgment of the victims. We need to address the issue.
The issue is this.
Domestic Violence is a thing.
Abuse is a thing. And instead of
going after the perpetrators and victims we need to tackle the issue. Taking to Twitter, Facebook, and yes… blogs,
to call out someone for hitting another person or for someone staying with
someone who hit them does not help the matter.
All it does is create a cycle of pressure and tension for those involved
leading to more stress. Now, I say that
in a PC way because I am trying to be objective. In short… So and so does not need you
defending or bashing them on Social Media.
You aren’t taking away the act.
You are creating a perpetual cycle of Ground Hog Day in that person’s
life. That’s not to say the abuser doesn’t
deserve the criticism or constant reminder of their crime, but the victim doesn’t
either.
Here is a short list of points. And of course, I make a generalized
disclaimer because I am not an expert or in law enforcement.
- STOP calling attention to the people involved.
Whether it is Ray Rice or Janay Palmer or Rhianna or
Chris Brown, using their names to push your social media agenda is not a call
to attention to end domestic abuse or a shaming tactic. It just creates more sensation and publicity
and keeps the wrong people in the spot light.
If you must… hashtag the crime.
Or, better yet, don’t hashtag.
Don’t Tweet. Don’t Retweet. I know, I posted to Facebook about how the “availability”
of a certain tape becoming known led to the suspension and that had it not, the
release of the player would not have happened.
I was more about calling out the NFL’s “too little, too late actions”. Still, it was probably wrong to do so.
- STOP assuming.
We saw an incident. ONE. One time.
We have no idea what was said in that argument. I am neither condoning nor judging the
persons involved. That one single event
should be enough to have charges and an investigation brought about. And both were arrested at the time. It’s also up to authorities and those with
the knowledge and training to conduct it.
Not bloggers, talking heads, or Monday morning experts to decide. “Well, her response clearly comes from
someone who has a history of being abused.”
We don’t know that. There could
be extenuating circumstances that led to that incident and she could be just as
capable for provoking or causing an incident as much as being in an abusive
relationship. We just don’t know.
What we do know is that from the tape, an altercation happened outside of the
elevator where the victim attempted to strike the accused. Then, once inside the elevator, we saw it
escalate and that he knocked her out. We don’t know what was said. We don’t know what happened before they came
into view of the security cam. That
doesn’t mean it isn’t the case.
Everything on that tape, that the 24 hour news media looped endlessly
and unrelenting in search of ratings, is pretty much how it was described by
him. We all knew what happened. We just don’t know why. ABC’s “What Would You Do” ran a segment where
they showed a couple in an argument that was framed to look like abuse. They filmed it from two perspectives. One was a man clearly strong arming and
demeaning a woman. The other was from
the point of the woman being the aggressor.
Most people look at men as the bigger, stronger person and it was almost
humorous to see him getting chewed out by a woman. “Aww, look at the pussy.” That’s just an opinion of what some onlooker
might have thought. But we don’t know what
happens in a relationship because we aren’t privy to the stuff that happens off
camera, out of frame, or behind closed doors.
After all, people reacted to what they thought was an altercation
between a couple. In reality, it was two
actors playing out a scene for reaction.
The media often clips, edits, and crafts a story to scintillate. Make the accuser look worse. Make the victim look less blameless. Make the police… ALL THE POLICE IN ALL THE
COUNTRY look like power abusive trigger happy assholes. Look at the recent case in Ferguson. Only the act was shown, not the before. People were quick to judge based on what they
assumed happened. “Large African
American man suspected of robbing a store.”
When it wasn’t the store owner that called the police, it was a
spectator, assuming that’s what happened.
Assumptions truly do harm.
Unless you have all the facts, you can only work with the conditions
present and the current act as it happens.
Speculating on whether or not someone standing beside their abuser is in
denial or just stupid doesn’t help the issue.
It perpetuates the cycle of gossip and sensationalism that gets people
hurt further.
- STOP blaming.
“She’s stupid for marrying him.” “How could she stay with him?” All of that does nothing but show how
ignorant you are of what it is truly like to be in an abusive relationship. Again, in reference to Chris Brown and
Rhianna , I did it, too. I said it. I learned.
People… and I say people because
both men AND women are perpetrators of abuse as well as victims are capable of
abusing another and should not. And it
doesn’t always have to be physical abuse.
Someone can verbally or emotionally abuse you and it’s just as
wrong. They may abuse you into thinking
that you leaving them is a horrible idea, because “you will never do better” or
“you are not good enough to be with someone else”. “No one, but me, would have you.” “You’re just a drama queen and want
attention.” This is problem. People in abusive relationships don’t always
have an exit strategy. For some,
religion plays a role in their trying to divorce. Church elders may say that the good Christian
thing to do is to work it out. Not
blaming the church or religion, but there is still a long way to go in this
world before we understand the nature of people vs. the infallibility of
faith. Sometimes, you just need to
leave. The best thing the church, a
family member, or an administrative group could do is get you the proper help
instead of offering hollow advice from a place of ignorance.
Point is the victim isn’t stupid. The
victim is most likely scared. There are
a million things going on. “If I leave,
they will find me. Instead of one punch,
it’ll be five.” Worse yet, there may be
a child involved. People who abuse aren’t
just strong or physical. They can be
smart. They can paranoid. They may go to great lengths to make sure you
don’t have an exit strategy. Sometimes,
because of the level of abuse, they may isolate you from the tools and
knowledge that can allow you to understand how to fight back. It’s not being stupid, it’s being
controlled. It’s being brainwashed. It’s being forced to live a life of
submission where you don’t always understand that it is wrong to be treated
like that. They can make you think you
deserve it.
- STOP talking about the wrong people.
Am I disgusted with the NFL for getting caught with their pants down? Yes.
Am I going to stop watching football because of it? No.
Why? Because even though there is
probably a statistical correlation between violence in sports, pressure to
perform, abuse of mood altering performance enhancing drugs, concussions, brain
injury, and violence outside of the workplace due to trauma and behavioral
issues from all the above, one incident does not make the sport all bad.
Do I want Roger Goodell gone? Sure, for
my own reasons. Unfortunately, he has most
likely made the NFL more profitable than any other commissioner. He is very good at his job, first and
foremost, as a generator of profit and revenue.
Does he display poor judgment in character issues and dealing with
problems? Maybe. But he isn’t going anywhere.
Do the Ravens suck?
What do you think? I am from
Pittsburgh :)
Again, we talk about the wrong people.
We shouldn’t be talking about people or corporations at all, let alone
one that generated some $6 billion+ in revenue, but they are non-profit. Go figure.
- START talking with your loved ones, children,
etc. about what’s right and wrong.
We should be talking about abuse and domestic
violence and violence against women AND MEN.
How woman and men can perpetuate violence against each other. How it is never right to hit anyone for any
reason unless you are in danger, yourself.
Defense, never offense. Also,
teaching our children the value of their own life as well as others. How they aren’t to blame for abuse. How they are special and worthy and how they
should be treated AND HOW THEY SHOULD TREAT OTHERS. The only way you can stop the cycle is to
keep it from happening. Let it bred out
in future generations. For every policy
or rule that the NFL puts into place to weed out the bad element, there are how
many bad elements just going someone else.
Their zero tolerance just means zero problems they have to deal
with. If not them, it’ll be the arena
league or CFL or whatever. Saying, “Not
in our house”, doesn’t stop the abuse, it just shifts it somewhere else. We need to be the ones to not tolerate it in
our own lives. It’s not the job of the
NFL to keep abuse from happening, it’s ours.
As a parent, as a teacher, as a mentor, as a parent, and even a child,
it is up to us to decide. No more.
Links from The Administration for Children and Families
at The Dept of Health
and Human Services
