Doppelbanker

My last name is not exactly a common one like Smith or Jones. However, it seems to be a topic of conversation whenever I meet someone for the first time.

“Oh are you related to so and so?”

“Nope.”

They aren’t even suggesting anyone famous. In fact, there are no famous people with my last name… other than me.  :)

Actually, there is a stadium about forty five minutes from Pittsburgh that bears my last name. That’s all I’m giving you.

It’s just that because my last name is so ‘uncommon’, one would think that anyone with that last name had to be related to me. But they aren’t. It has become such a reflexive response that whenever I hear the “Are you related to…” question, I say no before they even say the name.

However, some people won’t take ‘No’ for an answer. They happen to be debt collectors and constables.

About ten years ago, I was unmarried and living in a townhouse. My only roommate was my cat. Yes, my then girlfriend spent a lot of time and ended up moving in after we got engaged but for the most part, she still maintained a residence at her parents’ house and had her maiden name.

Yet, for some reason I began getting phone calls from credit card companies looking to find her, using my last name, because she owed a substantial amount of money and had become delinquent.

I informed the CSR that they had the wrong person and whenever they told me the address, which was in Latrobe, I told them, again, “You have the wrong person.” After about a week, the phone calls stopped.

Then, in 2004, after I had bought my first home and moved in with my fiancée, the phone calls started again, this time, from a state constable. I informed him that my wife will have that name but not until November and she’s never maintained an address in Latrobe. I even went one step further and did an Internet search and found the address and phone number of the right person and gave it to the constable. He thanked me for doing his job and promised not to bother us again with this matter.

Flash forward to yesterday and my wife received a phone call from her work. The receptionist said that she received a call for my wife from a company called First Source. I immediately knew what this was about. Unfortunately, I read a lot of Consumerist and went into assault mode, thinking that this was some weird phantom debt but quickly remembered the whole debacle from ten years ago.

I called up the number and, of course, had a CSR with a heavy foreign accent answer the phone. As soon as he rattled off the Latrobe address I stopped him right there and explained the whole situation. I asked him to remove whatever phone number they called from their database. Hopefully, this fixes the problem. Of course, the damage is done. My wife’s employer gets this wonderful perception that their employee is a dead beat and even her father gets a phone call from the same collection agency.

These people suck at searches as much as they do speaking English.

Cash Rules Everything Around Me

Sometimes when you think you are ahead, you're really going backwards. I just got off the phone with Bombast...I'm changing the names to protect the insolent. Turns out my year long plight with them hit another speed bump. Recently, I had been paying way more than I thought I should or could afford, so I called the cable giant and had words. You would think that keeping a log of all communication and price changes with them would go a long way with being able to cut through the B.S. with them. Turns out, they just don't care what you did in the past. In fact, they can't even recall your account information all that well. Hey, buddy, I worked in customer disservice for five years. I know how to lie to a customer when it comes to being in the wrong. You are just not cutting it. Go back to training and learn how to disguise the sound of pounding keys in vain.

Anyway, after all was said and done which included, "Oh, your promotion ended," " I don't know why that charge was different," and " I think your bank messed up that one" we finally got things straightened out. Then I check my dwindling bank statement to see that a debit to them was $30 more than last month. I called, I hemmed, I hawed, and left unsatisfied. Funny how it's always the last person's mistake not the company's and apparently, that person no longer is in that department. They must have been promoted to CEO.

I accepted the latest of four different total prices for service, took the CSR's name and wrote it down on my laundry list of issues with them and said, "That'll show you." Meanwhile, that guy turned in his headset for a corner office and key to the executive washroom. Tomorrow, he'll be wearing a three piece suit with a pocket watch chain draped across a matching vest while chomping on a cigar spouting Gordon Gekko mantras.

No sooner did I hang up the phone but my long time friend, National Pity, call to interest me in some low, low, so low we can't even advertise interest rates on loans. I had been fumbling through my online statements and noticed a discrepancy, and it wasn't the fact that my checking account dwindled down to triple digits. There was a finance charge on my Visa card. I had opened the account in November to play the balance bounce game once more. That's where you have an outstanding balance from six years ago and you keep transferring it to new 0% credit cards for a year until you pay it off in full. I am a credit card companies worst nightmare. I am the equivalent of a credit booty call.

Mr. I-am-so-natural-with-reading-a-script-that-Hollywood-is-calling-next-week was quickly thrown from his spiel into checking out my huge $10 finance charge. Why not? I would have been calling them anyways. He transferred me to someone who informed me that the fine print at -26 pt. font below the -2 pt. font states that the promotional 0% rate was for only six months and I'm actually two months to my advantage in not being billed. I used the tried and true way to deal with folks of this ilk and asked if there was any other promotional offers going on before I decide to pay off the balance and cancel the card. "Well, let me transfer me over to someone." This of course Customer Service speak for, "Yeah, you caught us jacking you up to 12.99% and now I'm going to transfer you to someone with the same amount of authority as me to make it seem as if they have more power. Pay no attention that supervisor behind the curtain!

Ms. I-have-an-important-sounding-title-yet-it-means-no-more-than-customer-service-rep informs me that they are going to set me back to 8.99% on purchases and index. I asked if that was promotional. She says, no, that's what it's going to be going forward. See what I mean about getting caught. Of course, that 8.99% isn't some fixed rate. It will probably bounce around because it's 2% plus some arbitrary median rate which at the moment is 6.99%.

I still intend to pay off the balance and close the account. That's where my one step forward came into effect. Thanks to an increase in my tax return from having a child and the Economic Stimulus checks, I've been able to take a huge whack out of my debt. Yes, I still have a car payment, a mortgage payment, and various bills, but this is the first time I've actually been able to make a dent in my debt. As soon as I pay off this last amount I will begin making payments towards my wife's. Hopefully, by next year, I can start making a bigger impact on my mortgage and start saving more for my daughter and retirement.

It's funny that at age 33, I've started thinking about retirement. Hell, I'd like to retire tomorrow with a nice fat bank account but no rich benefactors have decided to step up and make a contribution. I'm still hopeful, though.

So, here I am all happy that I'm being diligent and making more than the minimum payments and actually getting my financial life headed into the black and now I have to scramble and back fill my bank account with some of my super, secret, don't-tell-the-wife, slush fund in order to cover the outstretched hands coming from all around me. It's like they know when you're doing good with your finances. "Hey, guys, he's almost paid in full, start ending all his promotions and start making 'clerical' errors with his account. You, too many hyphens in your name, cancel his services. Where's my cigar?"

So, there you have it. Just remember that you are in control when it comes to your finances and always keep an eye on the bills. Computers make mistakes as much as people do. Always ask about promotions, reductions in rates, and if you notice a mistake, I'm a tell you like Wu told me. Cash rules everything around me. Singin' dollar dollar bill y'all (dollar, dollar bill y'all)


Where my money at?