Part Two of a series entitled,
If I were a Rich Man
In part one of this series I imparted upon you the many schemes and plots I employed to make my first million by 30. Yeah, that worked out real well, didn't it? So, here we are discussing part two, what I would do if I had those millions. What would I buy? Would I work? The kind of stuff we all think about when we trudge out to our car in the ice storm, make our way to work through treacherous conditions, only to show up at work and find out our boss has decided to stay home because of the weather. As you park your butt in your chair and begin to work you realize that you were meant for more. You work hard and make a decent living, but you can't get over the fact that there are people in this world who seem to squander what they have or just plain use it for the wrong reasons. Checking local news stories it's hard not to notice this fact when you see another Paris Hilton headline or hear about
Jack Whittaker....ok, that's a stretch with Jack Whittaker, but I'll get back to him in a bit. First let me spell out how some people would spend a million dollars.
In the late 80's and early 90's, The
Barenaked Ladies released and found cult popularity with the song, "If I Had a Million Dollars." It was the kind of song they improvised in their early days as camp counselors at a summer music camp. Ed Robertson would play the tune for campers listing all the things he would buy. The list of items that have appeared in lyrics from later releases cites the following:
- A house (no indication if they are picking up the taxes and insurance, though)
- Furniture for your house in the form of a chesterfield or an ottoman (That's nice, a loveseat and a footstool.)
- A K-Car, a nice Reliant automobile. (I'd check the blue book value first)
- Would build a tree fort in our yard (With the money he could have someone do it, but he opts to let you help him because it wouldn't be that hard.)
- Put a little tiny fridge in there somewhere (Wow....just wow)
- Food already laid out like pre wrapped sausages and things (At least he's hiring a staff.)
- A fur coat, but not a real fur coat that's cruel. (Well, it is. At least he's animal friendly.)
- An exotic pet, like a llama or an emu (This one isn't too bad, but the trendy thing now is an Alpaca)
- John Merrick's remains. (Do they mean John Merrick the golfer...or Joseph Merrick, the elephant man?) In a live version he wants to buy John Davidson's remains....that's incredible.
- Taking a limousine instead of walking to the store (So the K-Car doesn't depreciate as quickly.)
- Kraft Dinner...We don't have to eat it but we would with fancy Dijon ketchups (Apparently eating Kraft Dinner with ketchup is the fancy way to do it.)
One second, I have to clean up.
Someone threw a bunch of macaroni at me.
Ok, done.
- A green dress, but not a real one, again that would be cruel. (The real one is more expensive anyway and we're running out of money.)
- Some art, a Picasso or a Garfunkel (Oh, I get it. Art Garfunkel.)
- A Monkey. Because you've always wanted a monkey. (The cleaning bill is on you, though)
- Your love. (At this point, you must be a cheap date because they're broke.)
At this point they reiterate the statement, "If I had a million dollars" five times arriving at the conclusion that you are not important and that they would be rich.
As much as I love these guys they are a little limited in their imagination. I understand that this is for children and is conceived from their point of view of attainable wealth, but man, I think I could do better. First of all, a million dollars in today's society is no where near enough to be rich. A million dollars, after taxes, would net you around $700,000. So, unless you already have some financial freedom, that money will now dwindle away as we pay off debts. The mortgage, car payments, credit card bills, and all other outstanding debt will all suck up probably a third of that leaving you with a little less than half a million. Now we want to ensure our children's future so we'll set up a fund for them. The average cost for college right now is somewhere between $14,000 and $32,000 a year depending on the institution. My daughter is only 8 months old, so we have 17 years before we are signing these checks. You have to figure on inflation, so figure those prices will be laughable in the year 2025. Perhaps with a good interest rate whatever fund you set up will be able to keep up with inflation come then.
You know what? I'm stopping there. There's no point in trying to figure out what to do with $300,000. That would just be depressing. But, let's explore the evil side of winning the lottery to the tune of $114 million dollars. This is what my previous example, Jack Whittaker, was paid out at. If you didn't go to my little Wikipedia link then let me briefly explain that Jake Whittaker won the Powerball jackpot of $315 million, back in 2002. Now, before his win, Jack's estimated net worth was $17 million, so it's not like he was hurting in the beginning. He was the president of a contracting firm in West Virginia and had even gone to buy the winning ticket while gassing up his Lincoln Navigator. Since his windfall, he has been plagued by legal problems.
Here's a brief summary:
2003
- Arrested for DUI
- Thieves broke into his car making off with a million stolen while he was at a strip club. These same thieves were a part of a plot to kill and rob him.
- Friend of his granddaughter's was found dead of a drug overdose in his home.
2004
- Charged with misdemeanor assault for allegedly threatening a bar owner's life.
- Sued by a woman claiming he was playing grab ass with her.
- Thieves, once again, broke into his car making off with $200,000. This guy needs to stop keeping cash in his car.
- His granddaughter was found dead of an overdose after being reported missing for several weeks.
2005
- Caesars Casino sues Whittaker over $1.5 million dollars in bad checks to cover losses.
2006
- Whittaker claims he is broke, stating that thieves went to 12 different bank branches and cashed checks.
By all accounts, this guy must have rubbed a monkey's paw to win the lottery. Maybe, at least, he's been the inspiration for Hugo “Hurley” Reyes from LOST. From day one he sank into a nightmare world. Not to say that he was all to blame for his problems, but he didn't help it by acting stupidly in a lot of his indiscretions. He, now, wishes he never won the money. Some may say he didn't deserve it because of how he acted. The truth is that we can plan and promise to never let money change us but that is about as realistic as the idea of winning the lottery in the first place. I would like to rewrite that scenario and see if I can do better.
There I am, sitting in my living room watching the news when they announce the Powerball numbers. I hit pause on the DVR and reach into my wallet to find that crumpled ticket worth $5.00 of my pocket money. I check the numbers and recheck them. Then, I check the date on the ticket. Next, I go over to my calendar and check the date on it. Now, I check my pulse. Lastly, I check the number on the television screen, again. I rewind and play hearing the announcer call out each number, making sure some intern in the booth didn't screw up the animation. Tom Cruise on a crutch, I just won the Powerball. What do I do? Should I tell my wife? Should I call my parents? Should I call an accountant? Let's stick the ticket in my pocket and go to bed thinking about my winnings. In the morning I look for my clothes which have now made their way into the laundry. After the first couple heart attacks I find out that my wife, for once, checked my pockets and emptied out the contents.....otherwise I'd own a $114 million dollar washing machine. Once my wife finds out why I nearly coded on the laundry room floor, I make sure she's still breathing and we plan our empire.
The first thing I do is call my work and explain to them that I need to take emergency leave. Let's not go quitting just yet. Although, I choke back the urge to tell my work to bite the big one, I want to maintain a low profile and get all my ducks in a row. I don't want to give up my medical benefits and I want to be able to have a back up plan in case something happens. Next thing I do is sign the ticket and make a photocopy of it. This will give a little insurance against losing the ticket and having some passerby claiming my winnings. I'll get myself a lawyer and start to build a financial team. The last thing I want to do is lose all that money in a year's time. For a good example of how lottery winners have done right by themselves and others check out
Brad Duke's story from Fortune Magazine.
Once I have all this in place, it's time to let our families know why we've suddenly gone into seclusion. Of course, what better way to break the news than to invite them all on a beach getaway somewhere warm? I plan on taking care of family and have thought of the various ways to do this. I could say that they all contributed money towards buying the winning ticket. This might entitle them to share in the winnings without having me to give them a cash gift. However, it might not be wise to open everyone up to this kind of headache. A lot of times you see families torn apart by lottery winnings. Some suggest offering an annual gift of the maximum amount without incurring any tax consequences. This is usually $12,000. If I went that rout, I would pay off all their mortgages, outright, allowing the annual gift as one way to help ease their burdens. I would also setup trust funds for all of the children so that school would be taken care of ahead of time. With family out of the way and my team in place, let's go to the next step, me.
The JobWhen the hoopla dies down, I probably would quit my job. I have a lot of evil plans I want to put into place and that would be easier if I wasn't punching a clock everyday. It's not to say that I wouldn't hold down a job. Who knows, I might just take a 9-5 minimum wage job just to have medical benefits. Paying for insurance without an employer would certainly cut into my bottom line and the bottom line is to not lose everything after a year. I would like to set up some sort of foundation that will help people and I would like to donate some to charity. Mostly, I would eventually like to start some business and the winnings will help in the start up.
The HouseI still have a good amount left on my 30 year mortgage, so it's safe to say that's going to be one of the first things to be paid in full. I will have my financial team have an account put into place which will automatically draw on the taxes and interest so that I don't end up like some winners and owe back taxes. I'm not looking to move just yet. Unfortunately, with lottery winnings comes lottery fame and I will, undoubtedly see an increase of knocks on my doors. So, a security system and a posted sign to contact my lawyer will be in place from day one as well. Eventually, I would plan on building some spacious abode, somewhere nice, but until I'm ready to tackle that responsibility, and I allow some investments to grant me some more financial solidarity, my current address will do just fine. That is, with the addition of a nice pool and landscaped backyard. At present, I have a hill that slopes down into three separate, uneven, tiers. It's a pain in the ass to mow, so, we're doing a little work back there. A gazebo and patio will be put into place along with a permanent outdoor grilling venue as I like me a good steak.
When the time comes to build that dream home, I'm not sure where it will be. I have a friend with the same mad cap schemes who says he loved visiting the La Jolla area of Southern California. For years, I was convinced that I would make my home on the Pacific Coast, but the recent rash of mudslides and wild fires makes me think otherwise. My friend thinks I'm a fool for denouncing the dream of California homeownership, citing that this is what insurance is for. Sorry, but insurance won't replace the lives of family and pets that could be potentially lost in a fire that has consumed thousands of acres all because of the Santa Ana winds and some hiker's inability to listen to Smokey the Bear. I might opt for somewhere in the mountain states. I've had a thing for the Jackson Hole, Wyoming are ever since I watched that show on HGTV called Fantasy Open House. It was a home called the Grand Teton Retreat. I can't find a clip or pictures of the original house but here is
one that speaks to the idea. That house convinced me that I wanted to live somewhere secluded with beautiful views of mountainous areas. My family has about 40 acres of land near Mount Pleasant where my brother built his house. It would be nice to live up there on the opposite side of the property and a have a paved road that runs through the woods over to his place. It's another of those quirky things I would like to have, a golf cart path that goes through the woods to another place. It could also be useful as a walking or jogging path. Actually, I already have a lot of design ideas picked out. It's a stupid little thing I do at night when I go to bed. Trust me, if you have insomnia, this will put you out quick. Start thinking about what your dream home would look like. Don't concern yourself with budget. Go all out. By the time I reach the kitchen, I am snoozing away. Not to bore you with the details but there are a few must have rooms or buildings.
Home Theater RoomThe room won’t be complete without leather recliners and couches for viewing a state of the art system. I haven't decided on whether to do the Plasma or Projector. I think projector because of the size of the room. Two pocket doors will separate this room from the main game room. A pool table and a wet bar will be essential. I've always wanted a big aquarium set behind the bar in the wall with cabinets around it for the glasses and bottles. When you walk by the other side of the wall you can see through to the bar. Of course, being that this is a game room, we need games. I would fill it with a collection of my favorite coin operated arcade games. Someone has taken this idea to the extreme and I love the guy for it. It makes me think that with enough money and free time I'd rather have his style of setup. It's called Luna City Arcade and it's this guy's private home arcade.
Detached Garage / Display RoomOne of my previous entries detailed my love of a VW Bug. I spoke briefly about having a show room for my collection of cars. Mostly, to display cars from movies I love and to weird display my taste in automobiles. I have no real expertise in cars or anything. I would just like a place to show off the odd ones I would like to collect and maybe drive once in a while. Nothing fancy like Ferrari's or Porsche's. Hell, how fancy is a 2006 Subaru Baja? It’s just what I like.
Room Above the GarageJust because I won the lottery, doesn't mean I will stop having to do the things I do now, namely store and retrieve boxes of decorations or personal items from the attic. I have a solution to this. As part of the design of the house I want an integral three bay garage. Above this will be what some consider a project room. I call it storage. There will be two entrances into this room. One will be from the second floor just past the stairs. For aesthetics I may decide to make it a hidden room as to not have a visible entrance that will be at least two doors wide. The other entrance will be from the garage with a motorized lift. That way, I can move items to and from the ground floor without having to kill myself or destroy the house lugging stuff up the stairs. I can take all the totes or items that need to be put away and simply pack them onto the lift and away we go into the attic and then they can be dispersed accordingly. Call me crazy but I hate having to lug one tote at a time up the stairs to the attic and from the first floor, it's even worse. Winning the lottery is about making life easier. Might as well capitalize on that idea and build accordingly.
The Job
As much as I would like to just retire early and live my life travelling and sleeping in until noon, I think I would still work. In my current job, I pretty much sit in a cubicle on a computer, that would change. Sitting on my ass all day has done wonders for my metabolism and it's a lot harder to maintain a healthy weight because of it. Now, my previous job, for all its headaches, wasn't bad. I worked in a banquet department at a hotel. I could see going back into doing that. For those of you I haven't lost by now, this is probably what will drive you away screaming. "MY GOD! He just won the lottery and he wants to work for minimum wage in a hotel?!?!" Well, yeah. Sure, pay me minimum wage and leave me alone. One of my functions at the hotel was to set up rooms for meetings and banquet events. I would roll out tables and set up chairs, put on table cloths, set up coffee stations, put out water pitchers, and set up A/V equipment for the events. It was a quiet job that allowed me to just work and not have any distractions. I had a radio going in the background and I just worked. I didn't have customers buzzing in my ear on the telephone every five seconds. I didn't have a boss that micro managed over me. I just went into the office, grabbed the contracts for the week and planned out the rooms with paper and pencil. It gave me a lot of time to reflect and think.
The Future
At some point I will be faced with a million people with their hands outstretched looking for some kind of help. I'm not a very religious person but will probably give some to a worthwhile church that has plans to or currently has programs in place to help the community. I always wanted to be an actor or make movies; maybe I can buy my way into Hollywood. It sounds very idealistic but I would like to set up some sort of foundation that will appeal to the richest 1% of the world to help fund it. This foundation will be tasked with solving problems that still plague our world whether it is hunger or the homeless. We could seek out groups based on their research and offer grants to help them achieve their goals and ultimately the goals of the world. Of course, all this would be setup with people who are trustworthy and go through an extensive screening process to manage the money. I don't want some putz embezzling my investment or stealing from me. Checks and balances will be put into place to ensure that no one person or financial institution has complete control over the assets. A lot of people who suddenly come into wealth lose all of it because of shady people on their staff stealing from them.
In the past few years we've seen a lot of underhandedness in business. I don't think I could have ever been a business major because of what I've seen first hand in my own life. I don't have the killer instinct that people have when it comes to buying a business and stripping it of its employees to make it more profitable. I've gone through the process of being in a company that was bought and the worst part is knowing that the same people who are ensuring you that your job will be safe are the same people who just made millions from the deal and are ready to deploy their golden parachutes. I don't want winning the lottery to change who I am, but I do want it to help me become a better person. I'm sure that it is naive to think that I won't change. Money definitely has the ability to corrupt anyone. I would hope that I can put into place a circuit breaker that will protect me from the biggest of all pitfalls, me. I've read the stories about famous celebrities and sports figures that are now broke wonder, "Did they get caught in the hype? Did they think like I did? Is it truly possible to beat the odds and come out ahead?" I can only hope that I have been given enough of a grounded base by my family so that if I ever did win that big ole jackpot, I can share with them the opportunity to have financial freedom. Sometimes, I think it's more for them then me. Until then, I'll keep trucking along, giving a
little donation to the lottery every now and then, but first, I better get some work done, just because the boss is out of the office, doesn't mean I am.
Still want to win the lottery? Check out this story,
8 Lottery winners who lost their millions
Feel free to post comments sharing your blue sky ideas for spending your millions or admonish my greed at wanting to make it big on the ball drawing.
