While You Were Sleeping Part 1: What the cicadas missed from 1996-1999

Welcome back, cicadas.   I know you’ll have been gone awhile, so I decided to put a list of all the things that have happened since you were around the last time.   I wrote these down as they happened. 

Let’s see, that was 1996? What’s been going on since then.

1996-1999 (The world might explode at that point, so I stopped here.)

NEWS

The Summer Olympics, which were in Atlanta that year, had a bomb explode causing one death from the explosion, one from a heart attack, and  111 injuries.  A man who found the bomb and cleared people out of the way, saving lives, was accused and persecuted in the eyes of the media before the real bomber was found in 1997 and convicted.  Don’t worry though, the media probably won’t screw up again in 17 years, right?

Princess Diana was killed in a car accident in 1997 in Paris after being chase by paparazzi through the city.  They stood around and took pictures of the wreckage instead of helping.  But… not worry, paparazzi wouldn’t cause any more issues since, right?

A bunch of people, believing that they were going to ride on a comet/alien spaceship, committed suicide in California, but it probably will be the last time that anyone died, believing something somebody told them to be true, right?

OJ Simpson was convicted of wrongful death in a civil trial, even though he was found not guilty in the criminal trial.  He’s probably not going to do any time for anything, so don’t worry.

Bill Clinton was accused of having an inappropriate relationship with an intern in the Oval Office.  So, his career and credibility are pretty much screwed for eternity.  It’s not like he’s going to have any effect on any future politics. 

The U.S. had a budget surplus, the first in 30 years.  Everything concerning the economy will probably be great until you return.

Two boys in Columbine, Colorado went on a shooting spree in their high school, killing 15 ppl.    They died in the incident from self inflicted gunshot wounds.   I think it will be an isolated incident and should be the last time we ever talk about guns or school shootings or anything like that.

Some guy named Osama Bin Laden set up a base of terrorists in Afghanistan and was responsible for the bombing of the American embassy in Africa.   Isolated incident.  Probably be the last time we hear his name, ever.

And don't worry about catching up on news.  I'm sure CNN will still be the best place to get news from on television.

TECHNOLOGY

DVDs are a new thing.  They might replace VHS tapes, so when you get back your Star Wars movies, you know the ones you got on Laserdisc, might not be worth anything.   In fact, they are coming back into the theaters, so we’ll get to see the same movies you have on those discs on the big screen.  Great, right?  You may want to stock on a bunch of movies on DVD when you get back.  They should be the best thing going.

The Internet is kind of taking off, a bit.  Not sure if it will still be around when you get back.  There is this cool website, though.  It basically goes out and looks for everything based on a set of words you type into the search field.  They call it a search engine.  Should be really popular.  It’s called Ask Jeeves.

Speaking of the Internet, there was a little web browser that was out just before you left.  It’s the biggest thing going.  Should be pretty advanced by the time you get back.  I’ll make sure you have the latest copy of Netscape Navigator installed on your Pentium II when you awake.   (update) Scratch that.  Pentium III.

I still need to find your password for your computer.   There’s some talk about this thing that will happen on midnight 1999.  We may have to print this list out and put it somewhere safe.  A lot of shit is going to break come January 1^st, 2000.  Hopefully, the list will still be here.

I took the liberty of creating you an account on a pretty sweet website.  You can meet a lot of people, put pictures of yourself on there, share stuff, make a lot of friends, too.   I will actively update it and make sure you keep making friends.   You’ll probably have 1000s by 2013.  Your site is www.myspace.com/cicadas

Remember all those mix tapes you had when?  I know you were pretty upset I left them in my car that one day during that heat wave.   Don’t worry, when you get back in 2013 you can do this new thing called CD burning.   All your music can be put on CDs, now.  And there’s this cool place you can find all those old Emerson Lake and Palmer songs to burn on your CDs.   It’s called Napster.

POP CULTURE

Will Smith, you know, The Fresh Prince, did a good job in a movie about Aliens attacking Earth.  It will probably be the greatest Sci-Fi movie, ever.  Though, I’m sure Mr. Smith is just content playing Fresh Prince on television.

There’s also a new Star Trek movie.    I see no reason to tinker with the Next Generation format.  They should be good for a number of films, just like the cast of the original series.

George Clooney is now playing Batman.  Should be good.  He’ll probably be Batman for a long time.

If you thought Toy Story was good, this new film from Pixar is pretty nice.  Glad to know they were able to do one more good movie, though I don’t know where they’ll go next.

I know how you liked Law & Order, so you’ll be happy to know it will probably be on when you come back.  Good show, not many like it.

Simpsons are still on believe it or not, even after almost 10 years.  Though, I’m sure it’s bound to done here real soon.  Probably only catch it in reruns in 2013.

Lot of talk about game shows making a comeback and something called a Reality Show.   Personally, I don’t see it working out.  Who wants to watch real life when Friends and Dawson’s Creek, and ER is still going strong.

SPORTS
The Yankees won the World Series three out of four times so far.  They'll probably win another ten before you come back.

A lot of people are talking about this kid named Tiger in golf.  Wonder who he is?

I know how upset you were that The Dallas Cowboys beat our Steelers in the Super Bowl.  I know they are America's Team, so don't be surprised when you come back and they still have more trophies than Pittsburgh. 

You were wondering about how hockey would turn out during your absence.  You were pretty unsure about it since two expansion teams went to the Stanley Cup that year.  I'm sure it was a fluke and probably won't happen again.  I mean, what does the Southern portion of the United States know about having a winning hockey team?  Go Canada, right?  They invented the sport.

2011 D-Bag Awards: News and Media D-Bags

CORRECTION: Julian Assange was originally listed as a nomination but I effed up. He was already nominated last year for the same thing so, thankfully a substitution was able to just slip in at the last moment. Thanks to Mark Madden for being a d-bag alternate.

Mark Madden – Get out of the kitchen fridge you fat d-bag
Unless you are unfamiliar with Madden’s career, there’s Wikipedia for that. Basically, he’s a shock jock who likes to hear himself talk. He got his ass whooped by Tank Abbot on WCW years ago, when he was a commentator. He has shown how much he hates Jerome Bettis which was basically Pittsburgh’s favorite son, save for that one fumble in the Indianapolis game in 2005.
And he took center stage this year shouting from the rooftops that he knew the whole Sandusky incident before the rest of the world did. Well, he didn’t. Sara Ganim wrote a piece of The Patriot News back in March that predates Mark Madden’s article from April. Madden just has a bigger following in the sports community and pointed the finger more on Penn State and Joe Paterno than Ganim did. But back to Mark Madden and his other 2011 idiocies.

Anyway, he got into a Twitter battle with some girl this month and basically said, “Get back in the kitchen”. Now, whether he knows his hockey stuff or sports for that matter is irrelevant. As a member of the media, social or otherwise, you need to conduct yourself in a manner that does not represent your employer in a bad light. And he does this with great aplomb.

Rupert Murdoch – Suddenly I heard a tapping on my phone
Ahh, Rupert, you were probably the most powerful person in the media world, more so than Howard Stern or Oprah Winfrey and now… you’re an even bigger d-bag than you were before Jonathan Pryce modeled his bad guy persona from Tomorrow Never Dies on you. Why? Because you are the CEO of News Corp. Your company, News of the World was hacking and tapping people’s phones, including a murder victim. The buck stops with you, no matter what. He was even requested to appear before parliament and declined to attend because he was unavailable. That takes balls. Who, in this country, could be so bold and powerful that he could be called before Congress to give evidence to an inquiry and decline because of a scheduling conflict? He, of course, attended the inquiry and said it was the ‘most humbling day of his life.’ I’m sure, as you sit atop your billions, you feel very humble while you let your company do these horrible deeds.

Old Spice – The company that smelled like success, now smells like old man
There was a brief moment in 2010 when Old Spice was cool. When Isaiah Mustafa appeared in a series of commercials dubbed, “The Man Your Man Could Smell Like”, the world was a buzz about this unknown man who suddenly was in the shower, then on a boat with diamonds and finally on a cow. More commercials followed and so did success for Mustafa who appeared on Chuck and as a police officer in Horrible Bosses.

Then, Old Spice switched it up and went with Fabio as their spokesperson. Everything grew cold and dark and the world became less of a happy place to live in among women who loved that Mustafa appeared in almost every commercial with nothing more than a towel, a six pack, and the hopes that gravity would somehow reverse itself.

Whether it was an intentional joke or Old Spice lived up to their name, Fabio muddled through his English and looked nothing like he did 20 years ago. The Internet went up in arms and a challenge was posted for title of the Old Spice Guy.

Problem was, did they really think we were dumb? This entire gimmick has cheapened the clever effects of the original ad campaign that blew up Mustafa’s star power. Now, it’s almost sad to see Fabio compete in a battle of sex appeal where he’s clearly bringing a pair of safety scissors to a bazooka fight. Old Spice continues to be the winner as new ads for Christmas showed up with Mustafa clearly back in control of the moniker of “Old Spice Guy”. Makes you wonder if they simply gave him a hiatus to go off and film a movie and some other roles with the intent to introduce then yank Fabio. The only one not in on the joke was perhaps Fabio.

In any case, because Old Spice used their social media and commercial prowess to pull off this dastardly deed, they land in the Media category as their business practices don’t exactly stink… as far as we know. Now look back at the list. We have one more.

Perez Hilton – From d-list celebrity to d-bag nominee for a second year
Bringing up the rear is a perpetual d-bag who is now a repeat nominee alongside Death and Roger Goodell which doesn’t say much for the company Death keeps, I guess. The biggest reason Hilton is on the list this year is because he’s a hypocrite. He slammed Roger Ebert’s tweet of “Friends don’t let Jackasses drink and drive” over the death of Ryan Dunn saying, “…This is somebody’s son, too soon Roger.” Eventually, Ebert recanted saying he had no idea whether or not Dunn was intoxicated at the time of the deadly crash… which was later found out to be the case. Dunn was indeed a jackass that claimed his life along with another because he was an idiot and drove 110 mph while intoxicated.

But back to Perez’s comments of Dunn being someone’s son. Perez had no trouble in posting photos all over his site of a then underage Miley Cyrus appearing to not be wearing underwear. Last I checked, Miley was somebody’s daughter, too and I believe that being under the age of 18 made it too soon to be exposing her like that. Granted, there were no charges for child pornography given that the photos were not of a sexual nature but he was a hypocrite, nonetheless.

And while we’re on the subject of people’s children, how he continually outed celebrities ranks up there with bullying. While he didn’t appear to out anyone this year, his tactics in the past speak volumes towards his hypocritical nature.

Being a part of the social media world gives you a voice. Your brain gives you the ability to know when to hold your tongue. The Internet gives us the ability to point out when you’re a hypocritical d-bag.

OK, enough debate, let’s pick a winner.

Mark Madden. You get the nod this time. Why? Well, because for one, I’ve never liked you. I refuse to listen The X on my way home from work, because I might just catch your bombastic idiotic mouth breathing voice in my ear. Now when you go on WDVE, to fill in for Mike Prisuta, you’re totally different, almost humorous. I’m still inclined to gouge out my ears with my car keys but it seems as if your demeanor changes when you are not playing the part of pompous wind bag on your own show.

Yet, playing the part doesn't mean tou get to be a d-bag to other people over Twitter, especially when it demeans women.  Just because a girl comments on sports does not mean she is clueless.  And it doesn't mean you can spout off your own misogynistic opinions and not think that it's a big deal to your employers.  You've already been fired twice for being an asshat.  Don't think you're immune because it's the X and you are who are.  If the X doesn't hope lose listeners over this then they're just as despicable, which is why I stopped listening to them back in the days of Alan Cox.  Bravo d-bag!  You've made it to the finals which will be posted next week.