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Wednesday, March 31, 2010

LOST Theories For S6E9 The Package March 30th, 2010

Wednesday’s are always a bit sluggish for me. It’s not that it’s hump day. It’s Day After Lost Day and that means I’m up until usually after 1:00 watching my bloated DVR’s saved episode from earlier that night. However, this Wednesday wasn’t as bad as last Wednesday. Last Wednesday I got little sleep because my head was swirling with thoughts about Richard Alpert and the similarities of MiB and Jacob to certain Bugs Bunny characters named Sam and Ralph. This Wednesday we get a little bit of a lopsided scale of revelation and piece movement. Yes, you read that right. I didn’t mean peace, I meant piece as in chess pieces. Perhaps last night’s episode was an exercise in castling. Perhaps not.

With only enough episodes left that my old shop teacher could almost count without removing a shoe we have the Jerry Reed problem. "We’ve got a long way to go and a short time to get there." So, it seems silly to burn an episode placing pieces around the board but there was more going here which may or may not get resolved in the end. First and foremost we know who/what the package is. And is anyone surprised? Ok. That gets chalked up in the “duh” column. Second of all we get a glimpse of what MiB’s plan is but we don’t know why as of yet. (See Theories) Lastly, we get a heavy dose of that wacky couple who just can’t seem to get together Ross and Rachel… I mean Jin and Sun. That was the best part.

Summing up the action. Jin and Sun aren’t married in the Flash Left Verse. They are however going at it like Losties in a polar bear cage, though. How do we know? Well, the drawn out answer is that Sun is pregnant thanks to a heart wrenching admission after she is shot by Patchy who wasn’t Patchy in Sideways World until Jin made him Patchy and Deady. The short answer is that we saw ample amounts of Sun’s…. um, we saw, um…. There were boobs and that’s all I remember because they made it a point to give them their own close up, twice. We also saw that Jin wasn’t exactly tenderized as we thought he was from the previous episode with Sayid meeting with Omar and Keamy. That was simply Omar being Dum-mar and Keamy being a slimy Christopher Walken that he has been emulating since he first showed up on the series.

Back in the real world, Locke and Sayid decide to go visit the rival summer camp across the lake after lights out and attempt to find out what their secret weapon is for the camp summer games. It’s only fair since they kidnapped our best potato sack racer, Jin. And they are taking an outrigger. OOOh, could they actually end up firing a few shots at time skipping Sawyer and company from last season? Um, no. I truly think Lindelof and Cuse are seriously effing with the audience with the final explanation of that. Every time someone gets near a boat I get all excited.

It’s nice to know Sayid isn’t feeling quite himself because I think he’s going to go kill Desmond. We also get a sense that Locke needs the O6 alive to get off the island or at least he needs them to stay away from being Jacobified so that he can leave. He needs all the candidates not because it makes him stronger but that it keeps him from being stopped. Once they’re on the plane and off the island, Claire is free to be Crazies on a Plane. He also continually tries and somewhat succeeds in giving characters enough rope to hang themselves or someone that he doesn’t want around which was like channeling the alive Locke who helped Sawyer take care of their mutual problem. He’s the wish bringer. He gives people what they want versus Jacob who gives them what they need. The only exception could be that he does grant Richard his final request of immortality but he says he couldn’t bring his wife back, yet MiB offers something similar to another character. Of course, the problem with that idea is that Dogen said Jacob offered him the life of his son for his service on the island. Still working on that one.

Meanwhile at the hall of justice a.k.a. the beach, Ilana is doing more gun cleaning than a guy holed up in a shack in North Dakota fuming about the government. Ben is being, well Ben, and Sun is trying to keep her mind on things that don’t entail sitting around and waiting. So, she trots off to see her garden and lo and behold there’s Locke Ness Monster with his man boobs offering to take her to see Jin. She decides to pull a Friday the 13th Female Victim #2 and run away only to turn and look for the monster who isn’t there and bonk her head into a tree. And that is why I always recommend that if you ever, ever, get trapped in a horror movie sequel that you run away from the monster for a few feet then turn around and run in the opposite direction because they are never behind you anymore. They are always in front of you waiting behind a tree and throwing out bits of trees to trip you up.

Now Richard’s back and he says, “We’ve got to blow up the plane!” And Sun, in Korean, is like, “FukYu.” And Jack is like, “See this tomato” and Sun is like “Oh, Jack, they always give you the uplifting speeches that relate to a medical procedure or gardening…” Now give me more paper because this Post It pad got filled up with that last sentence. Hey, Sun, while you’re at it, can you move the Post It pad a little to your right. I can’t read your responses unless she wrote, “I don’t trust V’s” underneath it. I mean WTF? (Internet Slang Quota Per Post now reached) That was annoying to see that stupid plug in the corner of the screen for most of the episode. At least they didn’t use it earlier in the episode to cover her….um… yeah.

And now for the worst part of this episode and what I fear will be the worst part about this season. Zoe. She’s like the bearded archeologist in Lost World Jurassic Park. You know that character that’s brought in late in the game to either shake things up and make it watchable or they come with some unshared knowledge about what’s going on and then become too important. I’ve been scouring for the actual name but another example is Dawn from Buffy the Vampire Slayer. For four seasons we have a core group of characters that have been developed over time and during the fifth season a new character was introduced who ends up being the key to the entire season, literally. Think of in terms of "Chekhov’s newborn sibling." She’s Nikki and Paulo redux and apparently, she’s very important, at least she appears to be acting like she’s been on the show since the beginning giving interviews and what not.


There’s not much to refute since we already knew Desmond was the package.

The Flash Left Verse didn’t give us anything new except for Sun’s recognition of something strange in the mirror and her…. Um…. Her, um….. *giggle.* Come on, they had their own closeup.

However we can start to whittle the reasons for why the Lighthouse side quest happened.
1. Jack’s purpose at the Lighthouse was to actually destroy the mirrors because:
    a. it allows the truth of the Flash Lefts to be revealed. 10%
    b. It unmasks the island from Widmore who can put things right. That means that MiB has been manipulating Ben far longer than we thought. 20%
    c. Desmond can return 45%
    d. It was simply to give Jack a reason to become who he needs to be. 25%
First of all because Jack mentioned it and anytime an episode leads off with a “Previously on…” clip showing something that hasn’t been seen for awhile or makes mention of a place, person, or event that hasn’t been mentioned for awhile they usually become important. Since both Desmond and the Lighthouse are mentioned then I give letter c more weight because there are a lot of connections between Desmond and the name Wallace which was listed as 108 on the lighthouse dial. After all, Eloise said the island wasn’t done with him yet. What that has to do with a geophysicist and pockets of electromagnetic energy is anyone’s guess and I am anyone.

3. Widmore is able to find the island because:
      a. He is the friend Jacob was guiding towards the island and his name is actually Wallace.
      b. Desmond is on that sub and his name his family name is actually Wallace.
      c. Locke-Ness has killed Jacob leaving the island unveiled and seen by Widmore.
      d. He went to the Lamp Post
It seems that all are really probable except for d. because there hasn’t been any mention of the lamp post yet this season or Faraday for that matter in terms of lineage. But, if we see a “Previously on…” with Faraday being shot by his mother or Widmore being slapped by Eloise then it might be true.
1. Locke Ness Monster and Widmore hate each other.
Perhaps Widmore was rightfully protecting the island all along and by keeping Locke Ness Monster on the island a sort of white/dark force is still kept in check. Could you imagine him getting off the island?

Unless there is a Palpatine moment about to happen I think it’s safe to say that this is now true.

  1. Zoe is...

    1. A pain in the ass.
    2. The key to everything.
    3. A red herring.
    4. A geophysicist with a knack for finding pockets of electromagnetic energy.
I say all of the above, except I hope I’m wrong about b. Honestly, she is a bit annoying and such a trope of fantastical and mysterious plots. I said before she is the Cousin Oliver character that gets introduced way late into a show’s run who is suddenly all important and acts like she’s been around since the first episode. Her only funny line is the one about hiring a mercenary instead of a geophysicist. We see how that worked out for Widmore.
  1. Desmond is there because…

    1. He is the key to everything.
    2. He is the ultimate candidate which is tragic considering his history with the island and Penny.
    3. His affected neurological disorder that caused him to become unstuck in time could help them find the third pocket of electromagnetic engery.
    4. The island isn’t done with him yet.
We all knew Desmond was important but as to why is not yet clear. Perhaps Widmore just wants him away from Penny, but why? Maybe he knows how important Desmond was all along but really wanted him away from Penny to spare her the eventual heat break when he becomes the new Jacob.

  1. The Three People Kate Needs To Get Are…

    1. Jack, Hurley, and Sun (All candidates but who flies the plane?)
    2. Jack, Hurley, and Frank (What about Sun being a candidate?)
    3. Sun, Hurley, and Frank (Do you really think Jack would buy anything Locke/MiB had to sell?)
    4. Sun, Jack, and Frank (Hurley would never trust Locke/MiB as he is communicating with Jacob now on a regular basis)

  2. Adam and Eve are…

    1. Rose and Bernard  - 40% Most acceptable answer as we have not seen them yet in the OT
    2. Jin and Sun  - 20% It would be the payoff of them finally being reunited.
    3. Desmond and Penny - 10% Low score on this since if Desmond ends up being the new Jacob he wouldn’t have died and these skeletons died in the past.
    4. Kate and Jack 10% Unlikely since they would have to time travel again.
    5. Kate and Sawyer 10% Unlikely in that Sawyer was married to Juliet, he’s done with Kate romantically.
    6. Never explained 9% I’d have a brain melt down.
    7. Nikki and Paulo 1% That would send me over the edge.

That's all I got.   One thing that I find interesting is that everyone in the Flash Left Verse has checked themselves in a mirror and found something interesting.  Only Sawyer has punched one.  And, why doesn't MiB just go down and spin the FDW for a free trip to Tunisia?  Maybe it's in the rules somewhere.

Friday, March 26, 2010

Woman Attacked In Monroeville PA Book Store

No happy childhood stories, no witty remarks about growing up in the 80s. This is as serious and to the point as it gets.

Recently, a couple were at Barnes and Noble in Monroeville, PA. The husband and wife went in separate directions and while alone, the wife was surrounded by a group of girls and hit on the back of the head with a lead pipe. The girls proceeded to beat her while she was on the ground. The husband, going to find her, saw his wife being attacked and tried to stop it. More of the girls restrained him and tell him not to interfere, that this was a gang initiation.
No police to stop it. No security to rescue them. It just simply took place in a book store.

Now, the wife of this guy is in the hospital. The worst part is, for whatever reason, local police and media are not talking about it or warning the general public. This is a very large and busy mall in the outskirts of Pittsburgh. Some of you not familiar with the area may know Monroeville Mall from the George Romero movie Dawn of the Dead in 1978. But this is not a movie. This is a real situation.

HAD IT BEEN my wife, I would have done everything in my power to help her. I cannot fathom standing witness to this act and feeling as helpless as the husband in this situation. I sure as hell would have been pulling hair, throwing books, chairs, screaming FIRE, or anything to draw attention to this. Of course, my wife would tell you that there would have been a bunch of gang members in the ER and not her but when you get caught from behind with a lead pipe and are dropped to the ground, beaten by multiple attackers, it's hard to get the drop on them.

So, Pittsburgh area visitors and residents be aware and stick close to a group in case this happens again. Let's hope that the media and police start releasing information to warn the public. Let's hope some fellow citizens take action and start helping. I say, you attack me or my family, all bets are off. That's it. One way or another you're getting taken down for such a heinous crime. I'm just that much of a prick to make it a personal mission to get justice.

Google Fiber Needs To Added To Pittsburgh's Tech Diet.

Short and sweet this Friday.  Google is looking to bring its latest project called Google Fiber to a handful of cities.  The idea is to make Internet speeds 100 times faster than they are now.  Pittsburgh has the opportunity to become one of those cities.   Go to Pittsburgh Google Fiber Project and vote for the Burgh.

What does it mean for Pittsburgh?  More companies coming to Pittsburgh, more jobs, faster Internet, better innovations in education, better entertainment choices, healthcare innovations.  

We are a city that has gone from an industrial giant to a tech up and comer.  We constantly reinvent ourselves to take advantage of opportunities.   And since Google already has offices here, it's a no brainer.   So, go and vote now, today is the deadline.

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

LOST Theories For S6E9 Ab Aeterno March 23rd, 2010

I will attempt to tie the following pop culture themes together in summarizing last night’s episode of LOST. A Bar, Bugs Bunny, The Whedonverse, Pulp Fiction, Star Wars, Star Trek, Wargames, The Brady Bunch, Jim Croce, current events involving India and Bangladesh, and Myst.

Do not try this at home. Ok, give me lots of room.

First off, love the show. LOST continues to be a drug that I cannot kick. It’s also a lot like golf. I suck at it. It drives me nuts. However, all it takes is one good drive or putt, or one chip shot out of a bunker and onto green and I am willing to keep coming back. It is the junkie that promises me some real high quality stuff as a sample (Pilot) that hooks me deep only make me pay for more, which turns out to be crap (Nikki and Paulo) and then when I threaten to go somewhere else starts to give me some really quality stuff again (Season 5 and 6.)

Ok, now that the ridiculously thin analogous connections are out of the way, let’s hug it out.

"Ab Aeterno" or “from the beginning” is the title and that conjures up all sorts of ideas about struggles that last an eternity. But more importantly, it is about the struggle for the audience to check off their Richard Alpert bingo cards for correct theories. “B-7: He’s a slave” “BINGO!”

So, that brings us to our first theory that gets partially blown out of the water. Back in Sundown, I proposed that Alpert was,
7. Richard Alpert on the black rock as an Egyptian Slave. Something causes the ship to wreck into the middle of the island and the MiB frees him. He was given long life by the MiB as a wish fulfillment but somehow caused MiB’s non corporeal state when he realizes that he’s on the wrong side and takes the role of PR man for Jacob. “It’s nice to see you out of those chains.”
Ok, it’s only slightly wrong. Richard is not Egyptian, he is Spanish or at least a resident of the Canary Islands. He rides home like he’s Hawkeye from The Last of the Mohicans to see his sick wife, Isabella. She needs medicine and gives him her cross as payment to the doctor who turns out to be a dick. If only healthcare reform would have existed in the 19th century. Anyway, Ricardo as he is called accidentally kills the doctor to get the medicine but is too late to save his wife who dies. He is then imprisoned and about to be executed. He asks for absolution of his sins but is told that he does not have the time to make up for it….. Yarrr, there be foreshadowing ahead. Because he can speak a little English he is sold to Magnus Hanso as a slave and bound for the New World, just not the one he thinks.

The weather started getting rough, the Black Rock ship was tossed… right through the head of the statue of Taweret, smashing it into pieces save a foot. It comes to rest in the middle of the island where it is today. That answers one of the fundamental head scratchers since Season One. How the Eff did that ship get so far inland? Now, we have Jonas Whitfield taking out slaves in order to keep himself from a prisoner uprising but he gets yanked through the hold by Smokey the Bad Guy. After attempts to escape, a boar visit, and a wife visit, Ricardo is visited on by one of the residents of Fantasy Island who lo and behold is Smokey, maybe.

The MiB gives him some water and food and tells him he is dead and in hell but there is a way to escape, kill the devil aka Jacob who oddly enough plays Satan in another kick ass show, Supernatural. MiB gives him a knife and tells him to seek out the statue and kill him but remember, earmuffs.

Ricardo heads to the foot and gets disarmed by Jacob who says, “What, me, the devil? Pfft.” Soon we have a reversal of the truth and Jacob tells Ricardo and the audience exactly what is going on. This island is a cork in a bottle. “If I could save time in a bottle…” Inside the bottle is pure evil and the island is the only thing keeping the evil from getting out. The MiB believes that humanity is inherently evil because of their nature meanwhile Jacob wants to prove him wrong. In order to do that he has to keep bring more and more people to the island to put on plays of morality without the influence of himself, which sets the stage for one of the most elaborate barguments in the history of the world. He’s done it before and that’s why Ricardo’s ship crashed on the island. Apparently, Peter Brady, here, didn’t get the lecture about playing ball in the house and broke his mom’s favorite vase. In order to help Jacob stay clear of the game, Ricardo is appointed the advisor or intermediary of the island. That brings us full circle to How Richard got on the island, why he doesn’t age, and what his purpose is. But…… as much as I want to breathe easy and relax now that one huge mystery has been solved I have to cry foul a bit.

One day soon, I will sit my daughter down and have her watch all six Star Wars movies. But I will make her watch them in the order that I had seen them, starting with A New Hope. Why? Because if you start at Episode I, you ruin the “snake in the mailbox” reveal of Empire Strikes Back. Finding out that Vader is Luke’s father makes the scene all the more awesome. But if you go into A New Hope already knowing that Anakin Skywalker IS Darth Vader then you ruin the last three movies. And because George Lucas started in the middle of the story with A New Hope, he sets himself up for a big problem by using the first three movies to explain the origins of how Anakin becomes Vader. He literally wastes so much time in Episode I setting up the chess board that he is forced to cram too much information and back story into Episode II and III and ultimately truncates the best parts of what makes up the given circumstances of Episode IV. The Clone Wars. The Betrayal of The Republic. The Rise of Palpatine as Emperor of The Empire. The same thing happens with Richard Alpert, here.

Since Season 3 we have been given this mystery of who is Richard Alpert and why does he never age. We’ve theorized and speculated for three years as to the reasons behind such a great character and finally we get the brass ring, an Alpertcentric storyline including flash backs and there is so much to say and figure out that the development of that character gets truncated to this, Alpert is a tragic man who committed murder by accident and is now on the island to atone for his sin. He loves and misses his wife and wants to live forever to absolve himself of his guilt. He is simply task man for Jacob bringing people to the island like Juliet and may or may not know how to proceed from here on out. He was shortchanged in the character development because we have less than ten episodes to wrap this all up. If not for Nestor Carbonell’s heartbreaking performance this Everlasting Gobstopper from the Carlton and Cuse Chocolate Factory would have tasted pretty sour.

Now, that was the big draw for millions of LOST fans for this episode, but ah, not everything is as it seems. Richards story was merely a backdrop for a bigger mystery to be solved and that mystery was solved a few weeks ago. The Lockeness Monster told Sawyer the island is “Just a damn island.” But it’s more than that. It is the black box stage for the play within a play. It is the sandbox. It is a blank canvas on which the continual struggle to show the true nature of humanity as it is played out over centuries with different actors. Each one is a complex game of tic-tac-toe being played by Jacob and the MiB in order to prove a point. Nobody ever wins. Frankly, it is a mere distraction to pass the time with as a jailer and his prisoner sit upon an island and discuss the meaning of life and the nature of good and evil. What happens on the island is merely a product of what people want to happen. It is basically, the contents of the briefcase in Pulp Fiction. Whoever opens the case sees what they want to see, something valuable. Locke wanted to be able to do the things he could never do again, poof arise and walk. Jack wanted to resolve the issues he has with his father and leadership, poof lead the Losties and somehow, hopefully soon, resolve those daddy issues. Sawyer wanted to find the man responsible for the death of his parents, poof here is Anthony Cooper bound and waiting for you to kill. It is as Ben put it, “The island is a magic box. Inside that box is everything you want or need to fulfill your wishes at a price. It’s the holodeck.

The fate of the island in the sideways flashes is that it sank. Perhaps it sinks because no conclusion came to the argument between Jacob and the MiB and the island merely said, “I’m out of here.” Maybe the creators of LOST are able to turn their own donkey wheel and see the future because this actually happened just recently with New Moore Island. India and Bangladesh have argued for years over ownership of the island. Sounds just like Widmore and Ben.

I could on for length about the relationship of these two but I will sum it up in for words. Morning, Sam. Morning, Ralph. Ok, for those of you not old enough to remember Saturday Morning Cartoons or Bugs Bunny as a series of short films, let me ‘splain. Actually, let me sum up. Go here.

"Morning Jacob"
"Morning Man in Black"

This entire “experiment” is a bargument, as I said. A distraction to pass the eons as Jacob guards the whole from evil and in that role he keeps the MiB from escaping the island. If he were to be able to leave, the world would go to hell because he would influence that side of our human nature that is evil and we would do bad things. It sounds a lot like Christianity but I think this goes further than that. MiB is evil in the world. The island is a sort of Pandora’s box and Jacob is trying to keep people from opening it. Jacob thinks that if he can prove that humanity is more good than evil and that they can make the right decisions without influence then the MiB has no reason to escape. And he does that by crashing boats and planes into the island to prove his point. Until he does, his will keeps the MiB trapped. Also, he took his body so that he couldn’t just take a boat and leave. Think of the Season One episode of Angel called “That Vision Thing” Angel goes down into a dungeon of sorts and sees a man standing in a cage of fire. He meets Skip and the following dialogue takes place.
SKIP: Hi. You know you're not supposed to be here, right?
ANGEL: Yeah. What about him?
SKIP: Oh, him? Oh, he's supposed to be here. Do you have any idea how monstrous a guy has to be before he gets sent to us? We're a *very* high-end institution.
ANGEL: And it's your job to keep him here.
SKIP: Yeah. (Offers his hand) I'm Skip.
(they shake hands)
ANGEL: Angel. So, ah, you live in here, Skip?
SKIP: No. I commute. It's not too bad - about twenty minutes.
ANGEL: Uh, what keeps him in the fire?
SKIP: My will.
That will and the fact that he’s still alive at this point. So, MiB takes measures to try and influence the visitors to the island to do the wrong thing and thereby proving not only his point but also helping MiB escape by killing Jacob. If you’ve ever played the computer game Myst you’ll recognize the struggle by visitors to discern who is good and who is evil. Two brothers are trapped in separate magical books that serve as a prison. The player retrieves pages of these books from magical locations on an island and by inserting them they get more of the story. If they choose to insert the last page in either they release one of the brothers... but it turns out that both brothers are evil and will trap you in their book after you release them. This is the core of the mystery in LOST as to who is good and who is evil and neither one gives you enough information at one time to make a decision. That’s how they recruit sides to their cause, being economical with the truth. In MiB’s case he needs to do multiple things to escape. One, kill Jacob as he keeps him trapped. Two, find a body to inhabit, so that he can leave. Three, kill or convert the remaining list of candidates to keep a new Jacob from stopping him from leaving.

In one of his earliest tries, MiB attempts to get Richard to be the loophole but fails. It took the elaborate “play” of the Oceanic 815 survivors visit to the island to give MiB his best shot, John Locke. Several times, MiB tried to recruit Locke into service. He attempted to suck Locke down into the tunnels in Season One but is thwarted by a stick of dynamite. Perhaps all of this is merely a play with a play within a play and both Jacob and MiB came to the island as part of some sort of playground or sandbox for them to argue in and they themselves are mere actors on a stage.

Ok, I’ve rambled enough. Theory time.

From Sundown the following are now moot.

1. MiB, UnLocke, Flocke, Lockeness, Esau, Nemesis, Not Lock, whatever you call him is a fallen angel, perhaps the devil.
I think the show transcends religion and iconography from religion. If you believe that all religions tell the same stories in different ways with different characters representing God or gods then you can say that the island is simply employing these because they are relatable to the people experiencing them. It draws on several myths and dogmas to create a singular mythology to tell the story. MiB and Jacob seem to predate Christianity. They seem to be flies in the primordial soup. It’s as if MiB is the First Evil from Buffy The Vampire Slayer and Jacob is "The Powers That Be" unable to directly influence those champions who are trying to stop evil from getting out of the Hellmouth.
9. Hurley is the key to everything. The last episode is entitled Everybody Loves Hugo. (Highlight this with your mouse to see it.
This is not the last episode, it was just listed last in the available set of titles. The last one is still listed as “TBA” but Hurley may still be the key.

From Dr. Linus the following are now questionable.
1. The island sank after the Dharma Initiative left due to:
     a. The Incident minus the Jughead. Most DI non essential personal were off the island priorAmy, Horace, Roger, Ben)
     b. The building of The Swan by the DI which hit the pocket of energy and with no way to contain it (i.e. Jughead, button) the island sank but not before Dharma Initiative were able to escape.
I now am beginning to believe that the island sank because the MiB escaped. Everything that he has done to get off the island has created a paradox by which the Losties have not interacted with Jacob or the island and therefore the butterfly effect has resulted in MiB proving Jacob wrong and has escaped leaving the island with no purpose…. Alcatraz if you will. It’s a tourist spot for divers.

From Recon the following are now questionable.
4. Jacob and Locke Monster are actually brothers and the whole mother thing will play out a bit more in a final showdown. We already know that Alpert is the only character to have a flashback this season so it stands to reason that any explanations will be done through exposition between characters.
     a. Jacob was loved more than MiB
     b. MiB will be known as either Samuel or Esau
They may yet turn out to be brothers and in that fashion Jacob is his brother’s keeper or jailer in this case. The mommy issue might be a red herring to just get Kate to do what he wants. We know from production notes that Ab Aeterno is the only flash back we will see of these two so no back story will be shown. It will have to be done through exposition. I don’t see that happening.

New Theories

  1. The season will end…

    1. With Jack and Locke sitting on the beach having the same conversation as Jacob and the MiB did with a ship off in the distance. Bringing everything full circle.
    2. The MiB will finally “get it” and Jacob/replacement will release him and the show will end like those Looney Tunes shorts where the time clock whistle blows and Jacob and MiB punch a clock and go home, “Night Sam. Night Ralph.”
    3. All of this is simply a Role Playing Game, Company Retreat type exercise for the sole purpose of a team building exercise for employees of Hurley’s businesses and he is taking part. The last scene will be them all leaving on an Oceanic jet, first class. Call it the “Snow Globe Dream Ending”

Deeb a deeb a deeb that’s all folks.

Monday, March 22, 2010

Doomsday Seed Vault Reaches 500k Samples Adds Burpee Section

I have yet to grow a successful garden in my yard. It could be the fact that I have four huge trees standing guard at the corners of my yard shielding it from most of the sunlight available. It could also be the fact that I just plain suck at growing things. That sound you just heard was my Father doing a facepalm over his son’s horticultural ineptitude.

But when I heard that the Svalbard Global Seed vault in the arctic region of Norway hit over half a million samples my mind started short circuiting. Could you imagine standing in the presence of all those seeds, carefully tucked away in four ply protective enclosures at a regulated temperature? I get a little sick standing at the Walmart Burpee seed section thinking about what species I could potentially wipe out of existence with my black thumb. I’ve done some experimenting over the years to try and correct my faults. Recently, I took the approach of putting a tomato plant in the bottom of a hanging basket and putting a couple basil plants on top. I figured the tomato plant would be able to grow down without the need of a stake and the basil would be a nice addition to the mix. I never grew one fruit but the basil did pretty well. I can also grow nice zucchini vines and flowers but never a damn zuc.

Anyway, the point of my story is not my gardening issues but this damn seed vault. How cool is that? Of course, it functions the way a backup server functions in a computer network. There are seed banks all over the place and this one is used for duplicates in the event of global or regional disasters affecting the primary ones, which have happened in the case of the Philippines one flooded from a typhoon in 2006. The one in Norway is supposedly able to withstand global warming, earthquakes, and nuclear strikes. We’re pretty two for three around the world these days on those types of disasters.

This got me to thinking, though. Usually in cases like this the fire department gets a preemptive alarm on my brain. Just follow the smoke. Actually, I’m sure there are safeguards in place for more than just seeds. But what if there aren’t. Think about it? In the bible, whether you choose to believe everything you read, Noah built an ark and herded two of all the animals of the world, and Kathy Lee Gifford onto his Noahwegian Cruise Ship and set sail for higher ground. Unfortunately, dragons, unicorns, fairies, and other “mythical” creatures were told the wrong time and were made extinct. Thank you, Robot Chicken. So, is there any kind of repository for animal species to be preserved in the event of a global disaster? Yeah, kind of… There are things called Frozen Zoos which hold DNA and genetic material thanks to groups like the Audubon Center for Research of Endangered Species. Think proactive Jurassic Park. They could theoretically revive species that become extinct.

Remember in high school when you learned about the Wonders of the Ancient World? Me neither. But there was a library in Alexandria that held some of the greatest works of ancient writings and it burnt down because Julius Caesar got a little carried away with matches. Kidding again. That’s a theory. Still, the destruction of the library caused a huge gap in written history. That was until Nicholas Cage found scrolls from it along with the Mason’s treasure vault underneath a church in New York City. Once again, kidding.

So, what about an indestructible vault for architectural drawings and concepts, medical procedures, music, writings, and other items of historical worth?  Sure, you have the library of congress and my iPod but what if the attacks on 9/11 would have destroyed more than just a section of the Pentagon. What if the National Archives building were hit? Now, there may be some electronic repository for works of art or architecture that Bill Gates might have come up with but are you willing to expect future generations to recover the history of civilization while waiting for automatic updates to occur on Windows X? Or better yet, an update to the iTunes store. If we’re lucky a monolith will appear somewhere with a service patch that automatically upgrades us to the next version.

Let's put Dean Devlin and Roland Emmerich in charge of the scenarios and in the event that some disaster does occur, and Al Gore will stand there saying I told you so, it would be nice to offer future generations a blueprint and set of tools to get civilization back up and running quicker than a millennium of incremental baby steps. My brother said, “We should start sticking stuff up on Mars…you know…before we move.” I told him we should think about the future and buy a franchise operation of an EZ Storage business and place it right between the Walmart and Starbucks. That’s a couple years away, at least. Maybe by then we’ll have a fix for social security, healthcare, and a better way for me to grow tomatoes in my yard. If I’m lucky I can swing by the Mars Walmart for some Burpee seeds, a Caramel Macchiato from Marsbucks and a copy of the National Audubon Society’s Guide To Better Growing. One can only hope.

Funny Footnotes

Mars-Evans City Storage
Mars does have a storage business.  But the Starbucks and Walmart are miles away.

Saturday, March 20, 2010

I May Have Already Won

Just thought I would pass along why I love phishing emails.  Below is my response and the original email.
Here's the email addresses that were included.  Have fun if you like.

Well, crap if BoA has it it's already gone. nevermind. You can have it. But I want the big check that people get on television. You know the ones that are twice the size of people and have big writing on them in the total amount of the winnings. And is it possible that you can mail that to me.  I always wanted one of those. 

--- On Fri, 3/19/10, Federal Bureau of Investigation wrote:

From: Federal Bureau of Investigation

Subject: Lottery Funds Alert .. EA2948-910


Date: Friday, March 19, 2010, 8:56 PM
Anti-Terrorist And Monetory Crimes Division
FBI Headquarters In Washington, D.C.
Federal Bureau Of Investigation
J. Edgar Hoover Building
Washington, DC USA
Attn: Beneficiary,

This is to Officially inform you that it has come to our notice and we have thoroughly completed an Investigation with the help of our Intelligence Monitoring Network System that you legally won the sum of $800,000.00 USD from a Lottery Company outside the United States of America. During our investigation we discovered that your e-mail address won the money from an Online Balloting System and we have authorized this winning to be paid to you via a Certified Cashier's Check.

Normally, it will take up to 10 business days for an International Check to be cashed by your local bank. We have successfully notified this company on your behalf that funds are to be drawn from a registered bank within the United States Of America so as to enable you cash the check instantly without any delay, henceforth the stated amount of $800,000.00 USD has been deposited with Bank Of America.

We have completed this investigation and you are hereby approved to receive the winning prize as we have verified the entire transaction to be Safe and 100% risk free, due to the fact that the funds have been deposited at Bank Of America you will be required to settle the following bills directly to the Lottery Agent in-charge of this transaction whom is located in Lagos, Nigeria. According to our discoveries, you were required to pay for the following -

(1) Deposit Fee's ( Fee's paid by the company for the deposit into an American Bank which is - Bank Of America )
(2) Cashier's Check Conversion Fee ( Fee for converting the Wire Transfer payment into a Certified Cashier's Check )
(3) Shipping Fee's ( This is the charge for shipping the Cashier's Check to your home address )

The total amount for everything is $500.00 (Five Hundred-US Dollars). We have tried our possible best to indicate that this $500.00 should be deducted from your winning prize but we found out that the funds have already been deposited at Bank Of America and cannot be accessed by anyone apart from you the winner, therefore you will be required to pay the required fee's to the Agent in-charge of this transaction via Western Union Money Transfer Or Money Gram.

In order to proceed with this transaction, you will be required to contact the agent in-charge ( MR.JONATHAN COOPER ) via e-mail. Kindly look below to find appropriate contact information:



You will be required to e-mail him with the following information:


You will also be required to request Western Union or Money Gram details on how to send the required $500.00 in order to immediately ship your prize of $800,000.00 USD via Certified Cashier's Check drawn from Bank Of America, also include the following transaction code in order for him to immediately identify this transaction.

This letter will serve as proof that the Federal Bureau Of Investigation is authorizing you to pay the required $500.00 ONLY to Mr. JONATHAN COOPER via information in which he shall send to you, if you do not receive your winning prize of $800,000.00 we shall be held responsible for the loss and this shall invite a penalty of $3,000 which will be made PAYABLE ONLY to you (The Winner).

Mr. Robert Mueller

Special Agent.
Washington DC FBI.
Room, 7367
J. Edgar Hoover Building
935 Pennsylvania Avenue, NW
Washington, D.C. 20535-0001
Please find below an authorized signature which has been signed by the FBI Director- Robert Mueller, also below is the FBI NSB (National Security Branch Seal)

NOTE: In order to ensure your check gets delivered to you ASAP, you are advised to immediately contact Mr. JONATHAN COOPER via contact information provided above and make the required payment of $500.00 to information in which he shall provide to you.

Thursday, March 18, 2010

Here We Call It A Pop Tax, Ya Jagoffs

I am no picture of perfect health. I weigh more than I should. I do not get enough exercise. I do not get enough sleep at night. I am your typical office worker and your typical out of shape American. But, I am also a pseudo Pittsburgher. That could be a bad label. Look, I was born in Southwestern Pennsylvania, grew up to bleed black and gold and even liked the Pirates until the mid 90s. I went to school at the cities namesake University and still love the area and would love to have more interaction with the burgh. But, I do not live or work in Allegheny County. That’s why I call myself pseudo Pittsburgher. So, even though my zip doesn’t run through the streets of The Golden Triangle I feel as much connection to the city as the next Yinzer.

That is why I am so utterly peeved that the mayor is trying to implement the soda tax. First off, it’s pop, you jagoff. The only soda around here comes with the either the word ‘club’ in front of it or ‘bread’ behind it. Secondly, how bad is that budget if you have to come at us from all sides? A few years ago you instituted a drink tax, or should I say Dan Onorato did and you know he’s keeping his mouth shut right now because he’s running for governor. That was supposed to help the Port Authority System by adding 10% tax to alcoholic beverages sold in Allegheny County. The argument was either this tax or raised property taxes.

The bitterness of this tax has been stuck in the craw of Burghers for a few years now and then when the mayor tried to redirect some of the overflowing funds, collected from said tax, towards the city’s pension fund which is anemic at best. But he was given the dolphin on that one and after roughing it out at Seven Springs during Snowmageddon he came up with a new plan. Well, I should say he “borrowed” a plan from the mayor of Philadelphia. Listen, if you want to start looking at other cities for best practices on how to run yours I’m all for it, but Philadelphia? This is a town that should consider changing its motto to “Philadelphia: Come for the crack!” The one in the liberty bell? Nevermind.

So, here’s how, I imagine, the meeting went down. The mayor is sitting there fragging his frat buddies in a Halo 3 deathmatch and after his ninth Diet Pepsi he has the greatest idea. “How about a soda tax to help the pension fund?” As everyone around the room sat there and wondered what the hell a soda was he clarified. “You know, sugar in pop? High Fructose Corn Syrup? The stuff that makes you fat…” as he chugs his 10th or 11th Diet Pepsi. Let’s add a tax on the sale of sugary drinks and reap the benefits.

“But why?” One of the meeting attendees asked. The mayor grabbed his nerf basketball and made jump shots into the waste basket with the little suction cup net above it. “Because the city is fat. Too fat. I’ve got three city projects going on to fill the potholes from the snow we had and I suspect that the fat people contributed to the holes as much as the snow. Also, I know I told everyone I couldn’t enjoy going to Steelers games because of the press but really it was just that I kept getting elbowed by fat people next to me. Maybe if we tax the hell out of sugary drinks we can get some of them to lose weight.” The idea of the soda tax is to collect the revenue on sugary drinks at $0.02 an ounce and then use the funds to bail out the pension fund. But it’s in our own best interest to lose the weight, right?

No, it’s not. Look, if you propose a tax, a sin tax, as it were to curb sinful or risk behavior, how do call it successful? Does everyone stop drinking sugary drinks or do you have a fully funded pension plan. I don’t think we even need to vote for the right answer to that one. Now, it’s not that I have a problem with a sin tax per se. I am not a smoker and when the whole smoking ban and higher taxes on cigarettes happened I didn’t care. Sorry. I didn’t. But I also don’t drink regular pop or soda, in this case. Yes, my body is saccharine. According to a friend, the saccharine in my Diet Pepsi is turning to plastic and binding to my nerves and will never leave my body. If that’s true I should look like Heidi Montag in a coupld of years. And yes, studies show that drinking diet sodas are more harmful because of the emptiness you feel, prompting you to eat more. And the rationalization of “Hey, I’m drinking diet. I can drink as many as I want” is questionable. To that I also admit I do drink 64 ounces of water a day, but that’s just for the Prozac and Viagara added in at the treatment plant.

My big issue here is when government, local or federal, institutes some tax that is supposed to be health conscious and all it really does is get more money to pay off something that shouldn’t have been a problem in the first place. Here’s my suggestions on the whole scenario.

If you think that we, as consenting adults, cannot make healthy decisions about diet or any other thing that someone considers bad for us, then make it go away. Cigarettes. Take them out of the store. Beer. Get rid of it. Jolt Cola and Sugar Shock Soda and Five Hour Makes-Me-Fart-But-I’m-Awake-To-Hear-It-At-2:30-In-The-Afternoon Energy Drinks. Shit can them. If you truly think we need outlet covers plugged into the receptacles of vice in our lives then treat us like infants and put the good stuff on higher shelves.


Balance Your ‘Effing Budget Better.

Which sounds like a better idea? I’ll take a seat right here and call Dominoes for a Big Ass Pie, two liter of Mountain Dew Code Red, and a pack of unfiltered Marlboro Reds while you to think about it. Jagoffs.

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

LOST Theories For S6E8 Recon March 16th, 2010

Happy St. Patrick’s Day to all you pretending to be Irish today. I couldn’t think of a more fitting pastime than drinking heavily while trying to decipher the riddle, wrapped in a mystery, inside an enigma, stuffed into a tube and launched into a big ole pit of uselessness like LOST.

First things first, there was no “Previously on LOST” intro. It just started with Sawyer making tea for Jin. But that’s not important. It was the flash left that really kicked things into gear. We see Sawyer in bed with a girl named Ava. He pulls his old briefcase trick on her like he did in Confidence Man and The Long Con. She doesn’t buy it and pulls a gun. Then in a twist of irony, Sawyer calls out his Dharma alter ego “La Fleur” and 5.0 comes bursting in the door with Miles bringing the shirtless Sawyer his badge. He’s a cop, see. That’s irony. Why? Because in the original timeline Jacob gives Sawyer the pen to write the Dear Sawyer letter and he grows up to be a con artist. Here, with no Jacobian influence, he turns out on the right side of the law. Well, chaotic good to be more precise. Sidenote: I did some digging on Ava to see if she somehow fit into the OT (Original Timeline) and she doesn’t as far as I know.

Sawyer (Jim Ford…might as well be Rockford) and Hutch (Miles) discuss his trip to Palm Springs (Australia) and he sets him up on a blind date with a coworker of his Dad’s at the museum. Clue Drop number one. Pierre Chang lives and left the Dharma Initiative which means that the evacuation either did not happen and his parents stayed together OR it did and he has since reconciled with him. I vote for "it didn’t happen," which will go against one of my theories from last week.

Anyway, Sawyer meets up with Charlotte who looks better than her island version which was akin to Rocky Dennis. Sorry, it’s a cruel comparison but that forehead just jutted out there and distracted me during season 5. After a tumble we find that Jim is still looking for the original Sawyer and takes it very personally. Also we find that Miles is either a very good cop or has some psychic abilities because he ran Jim’s credit card and found him in Australia instead of Palm Springs. It might just be a partner thing but he took the lying very seriously. After a doomed apology with a six pack and a sunflower Jim meets up with Miles and explains the real story about his trip and his mission. So, in either case he is going to or will kill Anthony Cooper. I wonder if that will bring him into Locke’s wedding to Helen since according to Locke, his father and him have a relationship in the alternate timeline? See theories. Just then their car gets sideswiped and they take off on foot to apprehend the driver, who had a hood up to conceal their face. That was a bit pointless because we all knew who it was. This is LOST after all.

Sawyer wakes Jin and promises to get him and Sun off the island. Claire, Kate, Locke Monster, Sayid, Emma, Zach, Cindy, and the rest of the survivors from the temple show up. They start another trek and Sawyer calls Locke Monster out on it. They chit chat and Locke Monster (I keep using that because I saw that name in the episode info from my cable guide and liked it.) gives Sawyer a mission. Sawyer accepts and heads for the Hydra island. He stops by the station to reminisce about dirty sweaty polar bear cage sex that he had with Kate and then heads to Ajira 316 parked still parked in the Tilt a Whirl section. Hey Frank, nice job.

He then finds a pile o bodies and Zoe, a supposed survivor. He gets ready to take the outrigger with her in tow but her constant questions about “How many are there? Do they have guns? Do these glasses make me look like a fake passenger?” cause him to pull a gun on her. She turns the table on him and calls her own “La Fleur” safety word and armed soldiers come out of the woodwork. Seamus (Frederick Koehler) leads the charge like he’s busting Sawyer for eating too many Fiber One samples. Perhaps in the flash lefts he works in a grocery store instead of working for Widmore.

They take Sawyer into sub and he notices a double padlocked compartment which seems mysterious…well only because he pointed it out. It’s either Widmore’s private stash of MacCuthcheon Whisky or someone we haven’t seen for awhile. See Theories. Widmore and Sawyer discuss the freighter and Sawyer actually gives up the whole shebang about Locke Monster sending him over which leads to an arrangement. Locke Monster for safe passage. But after Sawyer goes back to Locke he informs him of the meeting and arranges a double cross. But it’s all subterfuge for Kate, Sawyer and the others…er other people to escape via the sub during the battle.

A subplot to all of this is the craziness that is Claire and Sayid. Claire attacks Kate and then gets put into timeout by the Locke Monster. Kate asks Sayid for help during the knife fight but he just kind of sits there and says, “Oooh chick fight” Afterwards Locke Monster apologizes because he gave Claire the notion that the Others had Aaron and she kind of went a little more looney than usual with the new information about Kate having him. Then he tells his sad sack story about his mommy issues before he “looked like this.” See Theories.

Last week I said the following.

1. The island sank after the Dharma Initiative left due to:
    a. The Incident minus the Jughead. Most DI non essential personal were off the island prior (Amy, Horace, Roger, Ben)
    b. The building of The Swan by the DI which hit the pocket of energy and with no way to contain it (i.e. Jughead, button) the island sank but not before Dharma Initiative were able to escape.
Well, we know that letter a is mostly false and b is pretty much false in that the Dharma Initiative simply ran its course or bugged out after meeting with hostile islanders. Perhaps a scary ghost frightened them off and no one was there to pull off his mask and say, “Hey, it’s old man Widmore from the Others.” And he would have gotten away with it too because there was no pesky kids from Oceanic 815 and their dog Vincent to screw it up.

So, new theory is that the island sunk for whatever reason
   c. without interference from the Dharma Initiative. I’m thinking that the leaky Jughead was still responsible and perhaps Faraday not being there to tell them to move it played into the cause.
3. Widmore is able to find the island because:
    a. He is the friend Jacob was guiding towards the island and his name is actually Wallace.
    b. Desmond is on that sub and his name his family name is actually Wallace.
    c. Locke-Ness has killed Jacob leaving the island unveiled and seen by Widmore
    d. He went to the Lamp Post
I’m thinking that c and d are a no go. I think Widmore finally pieced together enough information from the Black Rock diary and Ajira’s flight plan to figure out a way to get there and whatever or whoever is in the hold might have helped.
4. Locke-Ness is going to the Hydra:
    a. To meet Widmore.
    b. To see the bears
    c. To fetch a pail of water.
Obviously b and c were a joke. Turns out a is an indirect side effect of Locke Monster going to the Hydra Island.  He wants the plane. Question is, is it flyable and who is going to fly it? Lapidus is with Ilana.

  1. Locke Monster and Widmore hate each other.
    Perhaps Widmore was rightfully protecting the island all along and by keeping Locke Monster on the island a sort of white/dark force is still kept in check. Could you imagine him getting off the island?
  2. Locke Monster and Widmore are on the same side.
    Doesn’t seem likely since we know that LM intends on using the plane to escape while Sawyer intends to take the sub. I originally thought that he was using the sub because, hey, 316 crashed, sort of. Not to mention they are constructing a sonic fence to keep him out….. or keep someone in? Hmmm. Perhaps there is a white smoke monster.
  3. In the Flash Left Jim will meet and try to kill Anthony Cooper at the wedding of Locke and Helen which will mirror a turnabout in allegiance between Sawyer and Locke Monster in the OT.
  4. Jacob and Locke Monster are actually brothers and the whole mother thing will play out a bit more in a final showdown. We already know that Alpert is the only character to have a flashback this season so it stands to reason that any explanations will be done through exposition between characters.
       a. Jacob was loved more than MiB
       b. MiB will be known as either Samuel or Esau
  5. The Ajira survivors were killed by:
       a. Widmore because he’s a sick bastard.
       b. Locke Monster because they didn’t want to go with him OR he used them as leverage for
       c. Something else happened to them entirely.
  1. Who was shooting at Sawyer and company on the outrigger during the time skips?
    Every time Sawyer got near that damn outrigger I thought we were going to get a glimpse of what happened. Perhaps we will never get an answer. I don’t think it’s Widmore’s men because they had machine guns and it seemed like single shots coming at the outrigger that held Sawyer before he time jumped into the rain storm. Maybe it’s Ilana and company thinking that the Sawyer from Season 5 (The Little Prince) was the same as Sawyer from Season 6 and chased him since they know he’s with Locke Monster. The reason why I believe that this happens in the present is that just before Sawyer and company left the beach in the outrigger they found a Ajira Airways bottle which puts them in after 316 crashed.
  2. What the hell is up with Walt?
    Will he be back on the island at all this year? Will his abilities ever be explained? Is he still a candidate? Was the name Lloyd on the wall or Lighthouse dial? Was it scratched out? Was he a red herring or did his adolescent growth thwart his involvement causing them to shit can his storyline?
  3. Where the hell are Rose, Bernard and Vincent? We know they were all living in 1977 and were pretty much staying out of it. However, with the jughead incident and jump to the present that kind of takes them out of the running to be Adam and Eve, doesn’t it? I guess the condition of the bodies were consistent with those found in the Dharma grave and Roger Workman Linus so it could be Rose and Bernard who ended up being left in 1977 but you wonder why they ended up in the caves since they had a cabin. Maybe the incident caused a huge explosion that forced them to relocate and they died of radiation poisoning or some other cause not long after….. Poor Vincent. I guess the only way we’ll know is to finish the season or ask President Obama. He moved his address as to not impede the premiere and was allowed to ask one question about the show and it would be answered. Supposedly, he asked about the identity of the skeletons.
Well, overall it was a pretty cool episode but the real payoff should be next week with the backstory on Alpert.  Cannot wait.

Monday, March 15, 2010

Behold The Mongo Burger

My love of the Baconator is epic if not sad, but that can’t be the pot of saturated fat end of the Lipitor rainbow.. Just for fun why not build my own burger just for the hell of it.

Now to lead into this I entreat you to recall John Candy eating the old 96er from The Great Outdoors. Then, go on ahead to Clearfield, PA and try out Ye Olde 96er at a place called Denny’s Beer Barrel Pub. These guys are a nutritionist’s worst nightmare. They have speed records to be broken by eating 2lb and 3lb burgers and all the way up to 15lbs. By the way, that 96er that I mentioned was just eaten in less than 2 and a half hours by a teenager in December. He also ate the 15lb burger in 4 and a half hours. Pass the Tums.
“Look at the size of the maggots on that meat.”
Anywho, back to the Mongo Burger. In the age of full disclosure of nutritional value, it might be of importance to flip over your carton of fries and look at the table on the back, or the bottom of that cardboard box your burger came in, provided you can see through the soaked in grease stains. The numbers are astounding. It’s insane how bad fast food is for us and don’t even get me started on McDonald’s salads. But just for fun go to Burger King’s site and do a little mad scientist work of your own.
It might be hard to navigate but simply put click on this link and build your own.

The consumerist has been having some fun with this site and why not? After all, it’s like catching a glimpse at your own salty, meaty death. You can choose any sandwich like the Triple Whopper and then take away or add on things like extra meat, chicken, fish, cheese, sauce, bacon, onions, bacon, lettuce, tomato, bacon, mayonnaise, bacon, and even bacon. Then check out the nutritional value of your creation and even try to order it. You could create the Land, Sea and Air sandwich. It’s rumored to be on the ”secret” list of menu items that only the true fast foodies know about. Or anyone with an Internet connection, anyways. The LSA sandwich is a beef, chicken, and fish patty on a bun, presumably with mayonnaise, ketchup and tartar sauce as well. It’s definitely not Lent friendly.

For my own, I created the Mongo Burger which has four whopper patties, four orders of bacon, three slices of cheese, extra, extra mayonnaise and tops out at 1830 calories, 135g of fat, 48g sat. fat, 350mg of cholesterol, 47g of carbs, and 2220mg of sodium. Dear god, just have the ambulance on its way.

Supersize my Lipitor while you're at it.

The Oh My Colon Burger From The Consumerist Article

Now whether or not BK would actually make the thing is debatable. This could be just a fun way to get people to buy a regular sized salt meaty death. Burger King certainly has better marketing skills than say McDonald’s. These are the people that brought you The King who still terrifies and titillates me in a way I will never shake from my psyche. Not to mention there was the subservient chicken which I believe is the answer to which came first between it and chat roulette. The ability to custom order your demise is more likely a gimmick for fun than it is to actually order said death. However. there is an “Add To Your Order” button, but I’m sure someone with an ounce of common sense would say, “No way, chunky butt.” If they do, BK’s slogan of “Have It Your Way” may apply to your funeral arrangements as well with buried, cremated, or flame broiled.
“That ain't the last bite!”

“Well sure it is, there is nothing on that plate but gristle and fat!”
Check please?

Thursday, March 11, 2010

Picture Pop Quiz

Please choose the correct description for the following picture.

  1. Sony’s new Playstation Move motion-sensing controller
  2. A Marital Aid
  3. Hi-Tech Roll-on Deodorant from AXE
  4. Bad product design

The correct answer is (A) but we would have also accepted "Late in the game attempt to best Nintendo with a goofy looking knock off of the Wiimote."

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

LOST Theories For S6E7 Dr. Linus March 9th, 2010

Wow. Wow. Can I say wow? Watching Dr. Linus was like eating Chinese food. It’s really good. You really enjoy every bite, but it only satisfies you for like a half an hour, then you want more. Watching Lost on any given day is like eating Chinese food, but this week was like being fulfilled on a lot of things. The revelations kind of sneak up on you and just stand there waiting to be noticed whereas I think we are usually expecting the old “Snake in the mail box” like in Season One when we saw down the long dark hole in the hatch.

First off, Michael Emerson is the best actor on television, right now. Say what you want about Bryan Cranston or Jon Hamm or Hugh Laurie or Steve Carrel or Alec Baldwin, but Emerson has the chops, delivery and whimsy of a first class thespian and he did win last year for Best Supporting Actor, so it is being noticed. Is it any wonder why he does the voiceover work on the recap and special episodes of LOST? The man has a voice that has all the timbre of Anthony Hopkins, the gravitas of Morgan Freeman and James Earl Jones and what he does in between speaking those lines is downright scary as an acting observer. He says more with a blink of those walleyed peepers than most actors do in a Shakespearean soliloquy.

I could devote the next nine weeks to just analyzing his work but I won’t. This is all about the theories behind the final payoff at the end of the season. So, looking back at last week’s list of theories I give myself a half check for Jacob’s motivation on getting Jack to the lighthouse.

Jack’s purpose at the Lighthouse was to actually destroy the mirrors because:
    a. it allows the truth of the Flash Lefts to be revealed.
    b. It unmasks the island from Widmore who can put things right. That means that MiB has been manipulating Ben far longer than we thought.
    c. Desmond can return
    d. It was simply to give Jack a reason to become who he needs to be.
I think the main reason motivation was to get him and Hugo out of the temple away from Locke-Ness. The indirect result I believe is going to fall onto either b or d. I’ll get into b in a bit. For d. We head into the next theory.

Richard Alpert on the black rock as an Egyptian Slave. Something causes the ship to wreck into the middle of the island and the MiB frees him. He was given long life by the MiB as a wish fulfillment but somehow caused MiB’s non corporeal state when he realizes that he’s on the wrong side and takes the role of PR man for Jacob. “It’s nice to see you out of those chains.”
I give myself full credit on this first sentence in that it Richard makes reference to returning to the Black Rock for the first time since he came to the island and him being a slave is pretty apparent at his recognition of the chains. As to how he was freed is unknown yet, but I take a big old Red X on how he became forever young. Looks like Jacob gave him that gift but forgot to update his will to offer full disclosure and a take it back in the event that he died.

Now, Richard’s little trip to the Black Rock and his subsequent attempt to commit suicide coincides with Jack’s trip to the lighthouse. Being touched by Jacob has nothing to do with physical contact or maybe it does. I see “being touched” as being considered or being given a mark of protection. The actual physical touching could be part of it but he doesn’t touch Ilana and she is part of the plan.

We saw Michael exhibit the same inability to kill himself before he completed his mission on the Kahana. Furthermore, this might explain that Jacob is on an opposing side than Widmore seeing as how Jacob gave Michael the same gift/curse as Richard and by deduction Jack as that the dynamite did not go off. Jack is finally beginning to accept faith over science after he realized that Jacob has been watching Jack for a long time and there is something to all this hokus pokus with the island. He’s finding it easier to believe than before. Otherwise, we would have had an explosion and both Jack and Richard would have been reduced to Arzt size pieces.

Finally to all this…besides having a Real Genius reunion with the go to slimy weasel of choice, William Atherton, and an alive but ailing Jon Gries as Roger Widmore we learned a crucial piece of the puzzle that we were told not to spend too much time on, the fate of the island in Flash Left Universe.

The Dharma Initiative happened and Ben and Roger went there. For whatever reason they decided to leave. That little nugget of dialogue gives us the fortune cookie we were waiting for. The island must have sank either because of the incident caused by the Jughead OR something caused the Dharma Initiative to pull up stakes and leave.

Something to consider, though.

Juliet detonates the Jughead and Oceanic 815 never crashes.
That means Sawyer, Locke, Jin, Miles, Charlotte, Faraday, and Juliet never time travel.
Sawyer and Juliet never intervene and save Amy. She goes off with The Others.
So, does she ever come back and get together with Horace? If so, who delivers Ethan? Did she get transported off the island sooner? Was that decision the same one that led Roger and Linus to leave as well?

Widmore is a lot like Principal Reynolds in that he makes Ben choose between power and a person. On the island, he chooses power and Alex is killed. Off the island he chooses Alex and loses his power. In either scenario he loses something but his choices off the island are more heroic than on the island. Yet, everyone needs redemption and he gets it except he looks like he needed a hug after everyone shows up. Instead we get Widmore’s submarine taking a peep at the reunion.

So, if 815 never crashes what happens to Widmore? Presumably, he was still the leader of the Others in 1977 since Ben is never around to exile him, nor is he there to kidnap Alex, or be shot by Sayid which integrates him into the Others collective. Which leads back to the expose of Widmore’s breaking of the rules, which mirror Reynolds’ infidelity and Ben’s use of that knowledge to try and oust the current “Administrator” of whatever playing field they are on. Is Widmore alive in 2004?

And one last great piece of fulfillment. Nikki and Paulo’s closure and the fate of the diamonds unknowingly buried with them. They were such a blight on the LOST landscape that they had to be killed or buried alive and left to suffocate. Either way they were a mistake that was corrected and provided the greatest Easter Egg of this episode. As Ben is left to dig his own grave he promises Miles that hefty payday of $3.2 million dollars he asked him for in Season 4. Miles jokes about it saying he can get more than twice that buy digging up the two ill fated walk ons and taking their loot. Then as the slow motion reunion kicks in and Lapidus builds a fire as Ben stands there all “Pick me. Choose me. Love me.” We see Miles examining a diamond. Thanks Nikki and Paulo, you served a purpose.


1. The island sank after the Dharma Initiative left due to:
   a. The Incident minus the Jughead. Most DI non essential personal were off the island prior (Amy, Horace, Roger, Ben)
   b. The building of The Swan by the DI which hit the pocket of energy and with no way to contain it (i.e. Jughead, button) the island sank but not before Dharma Initiative were able to escape.

2. Roger and Ben left the Dharma Initiative because:
   a. Roger did not want to be a Workman anymore and Horace couldn’t convince him to stay or was not there due to the birth of Ethan off island.
   b. He was fired.

3. Widmore is able to find the island because:
   a. He is the friend Jacob was guiding towards the island and his name is actually Wallace
   b. Desmond is on that sub and his name his family name is actually Wallace.
   c. Locke-Ness has killed Jacob leaving the island unveiled and seen by Widmore
   d. He went to the Lamp Post

4. Locke-Ness is going to the Hydra:
   a. To meet Widmore.
   b. To see the bears
   c. To fetch a pail of water.

I’m getting goofy on little sleep. That’s all for now.

Monday, March 8, 2010

I Was An Early 80s Universal Remote

With the shirt shops giving me a little extra income I thought that perhaps it was finally time to get that big screen for the Man Cave. I started looking around just before Black Friday and found that the prices were better than what was being advertised for Black Friday. It’s all a scam really. The deep discounts on big ticket items are for ones that are usually discontinued in favor of the newest model year. I don’t have a problem with that but if I’m going to spend the money on something like that I want to make sure I’m not buying myself a totally obsolete piece of electronic crap. I want somewhere in the middle.

Here’s what I’ve finally narrowed the selections down to in terms of brand and features.

Brand: SONY or Vizio

Resolution: 1080p

Refresh Rate: 120Hz

Expected Usage: Video Games and Movies, possibly sports.

Price Range: $600-$900 (I’m a cheap bastard)

Right now the sets seem to be on sale and I’m looking to start a price war between retailers. Best Buy is trying to undercut the Sears store across the way near my home and I was actually eyeing up a 40” BRAVIA floor model for $529. I figured I might be able to knock another $100 off if I really tried. It all depends on what comes with it in terms of accessories and warranty. We’ll see. Sears also has a 40” Eco type SONY set for $779 discounted down from $879. If it’s not 120 Hz I’m not even entertaining it. I have a little bit of time as the set is on sale until April 3rd.

But all this got me to thinking about childhood. Back then, we didn’t have flat screens. We had big bulky CRT models with the surrounding cabinet made of fine wood grain. It seemed like the greater ratio of wood to actual tv was a status symbol more than anything else. Problem was, once the set blows, you pretty much have a big piece of furniture that doesn’t do anything but hold another, smaller, CRT television. My house was ahead of the curve when it came to the old Jeff Foxworthy bit about having a working TV sitting on top of a non working TV which makes you a red neck.

Oh yes, the old big ass set on the floor was a huge deal. I remember it was an old RCA that at the end of its lifespan would get really bright and then go off by itself. You could usually anticipate having to get up off the couch and walk over to it as this was happening so that the turning the set off and then on again could be seamless.

And let’s not even discuss having cable. I spent the better part of my childhood watching HBO in a fuzzy picture with a repetitive chit, chit, chit, sound accompanying the dialogue. We had a small alligator clipped box attached to screws on the back of the set that tuned in the UHF channels. When we moved into a newer house, we started getting cable and decided to just pay for HBO. I couldn’t believe how clear the picture and sound was. It was like entering the land of Oz. I would suspect that switching from CRT to LCD might have the same emotional effect but I doubt it.

In any case, there for awhile in the new house we still had the floor model, which meant big ass wood grain set, and one in the kitchen that had a dial box sitting on top of it to get channels above 13. It was a black and white model that followed me all through college and a year or two afterwards. It was a good little set *sniff*. However, in either case, one thing remained the same, no remote. It’s not like we lost it in the seat cushions, no, both sets did not have a remote control for them. It wasn’t until we had a VCR that we had one. In fact the first VCR we did have came with a remote that had a long cord connecting it to the VCR. Simply put, us kids were the remote control. We usually sat on the floor, within inches of the screen, open jawed in Carol Anne Freeling type trance. When a commercial came on or the show ended, we usually got a verbal command to go change the channel. We were the early 80s equivalent of the universal remote. Change the channel, get me a drink, answer the phone, mow the lawn. Universal Remotes in the early 80s had more functionality than just controlling electronic devices.

Now, we have fifteen thousand remotes in a household because you need one for the television set, one for the cable box, one for the home theater, one for the DVD player, and, if you are still living in the 20th century, one for the VCR. And if I hear any kids out there say, “What’s a VCR?” I’m liable to snap. I got two words for you, Laserdisc and Betamax. Ok, I’ve found my happy place.

So, eventually, I’m going to break down and get that Man Cave big screen. And regardless of technological advances I’ll still have an early 80s universal remote which is updated to a 2007 model. Except, in this case, my kid turns the TV off when I don’t want her to. Maybe I should check the batteries. I’m pretty sure she’s out of warranty. God, I hope that’s all it is. I don’t have the money to get a new model.


Thursday, March 4, 2010

Black and Gold Digger

He take my money. Well, I'm in need.
Yeah, it's a trifling ball club indeed.
Nutting's a Black and Gold Digger way over time
That digs on me. 
Duke da bomb
Even got Maholm
Can't believe X Nady and Freddie are gone.
Sorry, Kanye, Imma let you finish but.... oh who am I kidding?  Go away.

Ahh, Spring Training. This is the time of year the last few diehard fans of the Pittsburgh Pirates love to see. Their love of the ball club is like Jeff Conaway’s love of pain killers. And they would be just as willing to throw themselves down the stairs of the Clemente Bridge to score some good seats to an afternoon game against Cincinnati Reds minor league team.
Now, last year the Bucs were able to get above .500 for the first time since 2007 but then April ended and so did that winning streak. They finished the season at .385 setting the record for the team with the most consecutive losing seasons in history, surpassing the Phillies record of 16 years. Hey, one more and that baby is legal.

And here’s an interesting statistic. The last time the Pirates had a winning season, which was back in 1992, they had a payroll for the players of $32 million. Guess what their payroll is for 2010… $36 million. Now 17 years ago, with that kind of cheddar they were able to afford Barry Bonds, Andy Van Slyke, Jose Lind, Orlando Merced, jay Bell, Tim Wakefield, and a young Lloyd McClendon. He played for four seasons in Pittsburgh and then managed for four seasons ten years later.

However, this year they have Zach Duke, Paul Maholm, Ryan Domut, and Andy LaRoche to pay so… wait $36 million. Oh, I thought there was a one in front of that number. No, that would have been the Chicago Cubs’ payroll. But with that big fat payroll the Battling Buccos were able to take down Manatee Community College. Take that 13th grade. I guess that pep talk that was given to the team is paying off in spades.

Look, we all know what is going to happen here, so why even get our hopes up. They will show some talent in Spring Training and perhaps win a few games in the Grapefruit League. They’ll come back to Pittsburgh and put on a great show and have some interesting promotions and giveaways. They’ll probably lose the home opener and then suddenly win three in a row and go up over .500. Then April will end and the real Pirates will show up. Yes, we’ll have some good players put on some impressive performances but the pitching staff will ultimately phone it in and by June we’ll be looking to trade our best players for some guy called Toby Named or we will be too busy watching the Penguins go for a fourth Stanley Cup to care. Meanwhile, Bob Nutting will be sitting in his office counting a big fat wad of cash infused by MLB profit sharing and by July. All that talk of dynasty won’t mean a damn thing once fair weather fans start migrating from the North Shore to St. Vincent’s. Soon, we’ll trade the last of our good players and we’ll slump into October as all the cool kids will be hanging out next door at Heinz Field. It’s the equivalent of sharing your birthday with a popular student and all your friends bail on the kick ass slumber party you planned because that kid has a Wii, a PS3, and all you have is an xBox 360.
18 years, 18 years, you've got season tix and they've been losing almost 18 years.

I know somebody payin' Nutting for one of his tix...
This talk of dynasty is ridiculous. The Pirates already have a dynasty. It’s called 17 seasons, soon to be 18, of sucktitude. Instead of “We Will” our slogan should be “We Suck” or “Who Cares?” It’s such a shame when there’s more fan enthusiasm for a group of pierogies running down the first base line than there is when a Pirate breaks the outfield with a hard line drive and the go ahead run is trying to score. Bob Nutting doesn’t seem to realize that we all know he’s a crook. The team is profitable whether or not we win any games. You have a built in base from season ticket holders and then the highest performing teams give money to the lowest performing teams. Unfortunately, that money doesn’t always go to improving the club with better players. It probably goes to paying for snow making machines up at Seven Springs… and this year they can redirect that money back into Nutting’s pocket because of all that damn snow we got .

Look no amount of Facebook groups, petitions, public outcry, or collective holding of breaths is going to change what is happening. Nutting would be a fool to sell the team because he hasn’t quite reached that level of diminishing returns yet. It’s a profitable ball club that sucks but pays. Mario Lemieux and Mark Cuban are not going to step and help out. We have a better shot of selling to another market and being moved but the price won’t be right. So just sit back and watch the suckfest as it nears its 18th season and curse Barry Bonds and Sid Bream all you want. Welcome to Pittsburgh, Three Rivers and one drain called PNC Park. “We Will Indeed”


Wednesday, March 3, 2010

LOST Theories For S6E6 Sundown March 3rd, 2010

Ok, I should have done this seasons ago but to sit and try to condense all that is in LOST’s mythology of misery would make my head explode. I’ve tried and tried to put one of these together since the season premiere this year but just got lazy. So, for the next 10 or 11 weeks, I will TRY to devote Wednesday’s post to a theory about LOST. That theory may or may not be crap and get debunked but I thought this would be fun. Once again, what I think and what you think are probably two different things. Please be aware that there could be spoilers in this post if you have not watched that week’s episode so you’ve been warned.
Anyway, here we have the LOST Theoryies Du Jour for Sundown. I have several thoughts on where this is going.

  1. MiB, UnLocke, Flocke, Lockeness, Esau, Nemesis, Not Lock, whatever you call him is a fallen angel, perhaps the devil.
  2. The “Alternate” Timeline or Flash Lefts, as I call them, are indeed part of the original timeline and are evidence that the MiB has gotten off the island and taken people with him. That being said, I think if he falls into theory number one then he has fulfilled the wishes of those he gathered as a flock and this “alternate” timeline are those wishes playing out. Unfortunately, there is a price to be paid.
        a. Sayid wanted Nadia alive and so she is but she’s married to his brother.
        b. Hurley is lucky instead of unlucky and can help his friends but something is missing.
        c. Jack has reconciled his Daddy issues by means of his son but something isn’t right about that.
        d. Claire gets to raise her baby off the island but someone will threaten them.
        e. Kate is free off the island but still on the run instead of being acquitted.
        f. Sawyer is no longer at odds over his parents death but something else is wrong.
        g. Charlie is still alive but still an addict and in prison.
  3. The Flash Lefts are not reality and are just a metaphysical construct brought on by the MiB (Kind of like the Matrix) and Jack is becoming more aware of this in the Flash Lefts.
  4. The end of the Flash Lefts’ alternate timeline will fold back on itself as a course correction which puts the whole, “Whatever Happened, Happened” mantra of Faraday and “It only ends once, everything before that is progress” quote from Jacob into perspective. MiB tries to rewrite history to get off the island but some event at the end of the alternate timeline causes the whole thing to unravel and go back to what we are seeing in the present with the Lighthouse and The Temple and The Cave.
  5. Jack’s purpose at the Lighthouse was to actually destroy the mirrors because:
        a. it allows the truth of the Flash Lefts to be revealed.
        b. It unmasks the island from Widmore who can put things right. That means that MiB has been manipulating Ben far longer than we thought.
        c. Desmond can return
        d. It was simply to give Jack a reason to become who he needs to be.
  6. Sayid is definitely bad and Claire is headed there. Kate will do what she can to save her.
  7. Richard Alpert on the black rock as an Egyptian Slave. Something causes the ship to wreck into the middle of the island and the MiB frees him. He was given long life by the MiB as a wish fulfillment but somehow caused MiB’s non corporeal state when he realizes that he’s on the wrong side and takes the role of PR man for Jacob. “It’s nice to see you out of those chains.” 
  8. The reason why Jacob and MiB cannot kill each other directly is because they are the same entity and only through indirect contact can the scale of power be tipped towards one consciousness and eventually it will be revealed ala Tyler Durden.
  9. Hurley is the key to everything. The last episode is entitled Everybody Loves Hugo. (Highlight this with your mouse to see it.
More next Wednesday. Hopefully I can go back and cross out or bold theories based on their accuracy as time permits.

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

I Don't Know Is Not An Answer

Having worked in the customer service field a number of years in both the food industry and corporate office environment I can safely say that once in a while you kind of have to make shit up. I’m not talking total lie about something but you can recognize a foul up or potential issue and while it may be of little impact to fix, the perception by a customer that you’ve fouled up can be devastating.

Case in point. This weekend I spent both days helping my sister-in-law move. It was much my like my own disaster of moving from one place to the other. Limited time. Limited help. Multitude of stuff. I caught lunch on the fly from McDonald’s and ate it while driving on the turnpike from my place to hers.

Now, I already have a prepared sense of “This will get screwed up” with this particular location but what makes matters worse is the fact that it has a double drive thru. Of course I ended up embarrassing my wife during the whole process.

First off, when you get to the speaker to give your order they come on with this, “Thank you for blah blah, would you like to try a Filet O Fish value meal.” I just said, “No.” My wife looked at me like, “Prick, much?” I told her that it’s a prerecorded greeting and that I’m not responding to an actual person. They come on afterwards. Sure enough, the voice taking my order was different than the one asking me to buy a Fish sandwich. In fact, who knows if the real person I’m speaking to is even in this store?

Needless to say, we placed the order and then took turns with the other cars getting in line to pay. The first window took my money and had the right order. The second one was manned by some 15 year old kid who proceeded to hand me three bags. Now, I know we bought a lot of food but three bags full? I said, “Um, are you handing me one or all three?” He paused and then took the bags back in and slid the window shut. “Ok.” He opened back up after conferring with someone and said, “Do you want to just pull into the parking lot and we’ll bring your food out to you?” I said sure, but then felt a little impish and wanted to just joke with the kid, “What happened to my order?” He looked at me and said, “I don’t know. They just stuck me in this window.” My jovial spirit lessened, I looked at him, as he retreated from my minimum throttling distance, and said, “That’s not an answer.” By now my wife was getting peeved  and told me to. “Just park it.” I said, “Come on, that wasn’t an answer. At least he could have lied to me and said the Fryalator was down or the Hamburglar stole my quarter pounder. ‘I don’t know’ is a crap answer. “

“You’re embarrassing me I don’t want them spitting in my food.” My wife said. You have to remember, this is the same woman who worked in a job where she once told a customer to shove a turkey up his ass in front of her boss. This was after he complained about her not being sympathetic towards his plight. Meanwhile, she was doing more than humanly possible to find his Thanksgiving order and eventually figured it out where someone less committed to a job would just say, “I don’t know.” And call it a day. And again, this weekend, she was getting her boots ready to kick the ass of the people her sister were renting the house off of over all these problems to which I said, “They know that your sister has to move in, this weekend, and you are spoiling for a fight that could give them the inkling to say, ‘Fine, don’t live here.’” After a few minutes the manager (aka man with the key to the register) appeared and gave us our order. We were on our way, and I bit down on the tongue of frustration and waited until we were out of the parking lot to press the matter. “Look, you’ve worked in this kind of job. Did you act like that at 15?” She said no although she did have her share of moments where her thumb might have pressed a little hard on someone’s tomato. I said, “You took pride in what you did. If I would give that response to someone at my job, I’d have my ass working at McDonald’s next to numb nuts there.”

Let me clarify something. I am not meaning that my job is all that glamorous and above someone who works at McDonald’s. I am simply saying that if I chose to handle myself in such a fashion I would be in the drive thru hole along with that kid because they were willing to hire him with that level of discipline. I don’t care if you work at Walmart or Wall Street, when you work with customers or the public you conduct yourself in a way that doesn’t make them become a former customer. Saying “I don’t know” is the same as saying, “I don’t care. I’m just here for a paycheck.” You find out or at least you give a reason that satisfies the customer until you can rectify the problem. While I understand the value of having teenagers work in a job that can teach them discipline and respect I don’t think that the management of those companies takes a hard look at how those employees are actually obtaining those habits if they are at all.

It’s hard to have a teen comprehend the value of customer service since they are sometimes working a job because their parents want them to. I used to dread my old company because of the lack of good workers they hired over the need to throw bodies at the job. I would come in at 7:00 AM and do my work and fix their mistakes because they were too busy screwing around at night, more worried about going out to party then actually doing a good job. In fact, one instance where I had worked a 14 hour shift I nearly lost it. I had come in that morning, set up a lunch and took care of meetings, worked the lunch, turned over the lunch into a wedding and then bartended and served dinner for the wedding. After dinner I was supposed to be relieved to go home but couldn’t until a particular person came out to take my bar. Now, this guy was a bit of a slack so I knew exactly where to find him. He was back in the boiler room, in the dark, blazing up and I said, “You want to come take my bar so I can go home.” I then went to my boss and said, “You know why I’m still here? Because (blank) is back in the boiler room getting stoned.” She walked back but dismissed the smell of weed for cigarette smoke. I said, “If he was smoking a cigarette, then why was he hiding in the boiler room, in the dark, instead of going out into the courtyard like everyone else?” Guess what her answer was? “I don’t know.” Now you know why it was my former job.

If anyone under the age of 20 actually reads this stuff do yourself a favor, learn some discipline and some tact. I know it’s not cool to be a company man and play by the rules. I’ve been there. I refused to follow the ambiguous rules that left me open to interpret them because I didn’t want to be considered un-cool. You make more friends with the in crowd of kids if you act all “I don’t give a shit” but what does it really get you? Have you ever seen Falling Down? Exactly. Some people don’t like “I don’t know” as an answer and they’re willing to take their frustrations out on you. Is it worth it to you? Don’t answer that.

Monday, March 1, 2010

It Only Hurts When It Doesn't: A Mindless Monday Rant

It’s Monday and I really don’t have the attention span to put together a coherent thought. So, instead let’s speak in gibberish.

Pbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb zeeble zeeeble brrrrrring. Aphalacka-dickery-do I’ve got diarrheabetes how about you? My cow ran away with my top mafia friend and I don’t have enough starbucks to care. Can I get you anything other than a correct answer and how about some desert? This town needs an enema and how about I just sit right down and tell you a tale about the difference between an orange.

Is anybody theeeerrrreeee? Does anybody caaaaaaaare? No, John Adams. Now go back to being dead.

How much snow could an Eskimo grow if he only had to plant one row? It’s crunchy don’t you know.  Give me the chance I could bedazzle your mind with a degree from Exeter I weave the sequined non sequitur.

Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to get through this game called life. But I’m here to tell you there’s something else the After M*A*S*H. Just remember who runs Barter Town because he can beat you diagonally. Pretty sneaky, sis.

And if I ever plan on being stuck in the middle with you will I see your true colors shining through? It’s on like Donkey Kong and I can tell what you want. I can tell you what you need. That’s a stone cold gibbity flibbit that runs down the street without its legs on right and do you think the rain will hurt the rhubarb overnight?

Take me home tonight because I just want to be on the outside looking in at the man with the tan pants who knows the simple truth, the check is in the mail.

There’s a box In my mind but no way to open it. You can try to pry all that I am from the man named Sam but he won’t tell you anything you haven’t already forgot. This is what we call life in the fast lane because I am the one and only king of pain. Have you seen the rain as it runs down your dreams causing the colors to run into one? Can it be sunny in your dark little hole of a world because I would love to see where you keep your curtains, dear.

Does anyone know where to find the show and how much do tickets walk towards your door with a smile and a “what for?” Are we still playing the game or have you won? Can we settle this with a pricing gun? Call now to secure your spot in the radio show that never sleeps except on the upswing of a gnat’s ding a ling. Oh, why, oh why are you still reading? Can I ask or would it be fleeting to say I can show you a world of pure imagination? Come what may and April Fools’ Day a dollar short and a dog terrific can help you find something specific to that which you most desire and keep all your irons in the fire because I’m not talking about his faults but he does seem to keep himself locked in vaults.

Can you feel the music pulsing in your inner ear? Spiders are the other thing we have to fear. I can’t help myself from getting groovy to the beat of something snoozy. Wait wait don’t tell me that you are surprised that I can find myself excised without a W-2 that’s handy and usually supplied by Fred Grandy.

I think this rant has jumped the shark since I’ve started rhyming I think I’ll quit even though I’m too legit. I don’t want too many in awe as they come to take me away, ha ha. So, if you’ve found yourself Googling some of the stuff contained in my post I wish to rebuff the notion of the motion in your search engine potion you’ll find no substance and only fluff. I can’t take anymore drama but I’d love to snack on the corners of your karma and call you Greg but never Dharma. This is Monday and not CNN and I’ll keep going to you holler when because I am the one who runs in perpetual insanity that finds itself on a treadmill going downhill.

I feel better now. Perhaps tomorrow we’ll try again.

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