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Thursday, April 3, 2008

Stall Tactics

I am about to do something completely fobidden under man laws. I am going to reveal the tactics a man uses in going into a public restroom. I could be disowned by my fellow men for doing this but it's high time you all understand what it takes to use public facilities. While we'll never understand why you women insist on going to the bathroom in pairs, we men go alone and we wish to remain alone until we're done.


For each example we will adhere to this interior design. The men's room has 6 urinals and three stalls next to them. This will be consistent, throughout.

Situation One:
A man walks into an empty bathroom needing to use a urinal. There are currently no other individuals in the bathroom. Which urinal is the correct one?
The urinal closest to the first stall. This eliminates you from being flanked by other guys. It also allows there to be at least one empty urinal between you and another person should they enter.

Situation Two:
A man walks into a bathroom and the urinal next to the first stall is taken. No other individuals are present. Which urinal is the correct one to use?
The opposite urinal closest to the exit. While you are required by man law to keep at least one empty urinal between you and the next man, as long as you are the only two in the bathroom, put as much distance between you and the other guy.

Situation Three:
A man walks into a bathroom and sees one man at the urinal closest to first stall, a man at the urinal to his right, and a third man at the closest to the exit. Which is the correct one to use?
Keep at least one urinal empty on either side of you and pick the middle of the three remaining urinals. As an optional choice, admonish the man at the second urinal for breaking the first rule of public restrooms, but wait until you're both outside.

Situation Four:
A man walks into a bathroom where every other urinal is occupied. Which is the correct one to use?
The bathroom stall farthest from the urinals. Any unrinal you choose will violate man law one and will put you in the middle of two other men. A similar scenario involves a situation where two men are next to each other and the only other urinal that puts at least one empty urinal between you and them is also next to another man. The stall is the correct choice because it prevents coupling.


If you have happened upon the restroom for other purposes than standing at an urinal, there are also rules of conduct for the stalls.

1 If you are alone in the bathroom, feel free to let it rip. Otherwise, be courteous to the other patrons and try not to make them laugh. It's hard not to laugh at a trumpeting sound feeding off the great acoustics of the bathroom.

2. If someone enters an empty bathroom while you are in a stall, signal them by coughing. This is common courtesy to rule one.

3. If you come across a bathroom in a manner of hurried distress and find people at the urinals and only one stall open, suck it up, wash your hands, and leave Wait two minutes and return. If you're going to defile the place, be anonymous.

4. Flush as you go. If it's going to be a 14 in. brown trout, don't ruin it for everyone else. Flush and release. Repeat if necessary.

5. Upon entering a bathroom and heading for a stall, be sure to look in the mirror or notice if there are feet under the doors. The last thing anyone wants is someone who continually tries to open a locked stall door. For that matter, if you are in the stall, lock the door.

6. Other than alerting people to your presence when someone enters the bathroom, there should be no vocalization of your movement whatsoever. We don't want a play by play, a victory cheer, or a eulogy. Also, don't be a nosy neighbor. If someone is in the stall next to you, it's not ok to make conversation. This isn't confession. Also, it's not an exhibit. Don't call people over to ask them to identify your breakfast.

7. If you are in a stall for any other reason besides sitting, lift the seat. Use your foot, use some toilet paper, whatever. There is a strict man law about dribbling.

8. Use enough paper to get the job done. No more, no less. If you plan on depleting the stock, at least flush every so often as to not render the toilet inoperable for the next poor schlub.

9. Under no circumstances, and I mean never, leave the stall without doing up you pants. No one wants to see you shuffle out with Mr. Winky present.

10. Finally, I don't care how clean you think you are. I don't care if you're not an employee. Wash your hands! Just because you can go hands free, doesn't mean you didn't get dirty.


Just so you know. There is a vocabulary associated with the bathroom. If you ever hear these terms, you know what is being discussed.

Several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

These are bathrooms that are seldomly used or times when you know you won't be disturbed. I worked in a hotel for a few years and there was a bathroom at the pool that was never used. There was also a locker room with a functional bathroom that had become hotel storage. These became SAFE HAVENS. Every male employee in the banquet, dining, and kitchen departments refused to use the employee restrooms due to lack of cleanliness and privacy. It was also a 5x5 room. Not exactly a well ventilated area.

A phony cough used for alerting others of your presence so that they don't try to intrude unaware of stall occupancy. Also used to mask various noises.

Any person who thinks that going to the restroom is a day long event. You'll know an UNCLE FRANK by the folded newspaper under his arm. You know where he's going and you don't want to be there when he's done. Great time to find a SAFE HAVEN.

There. I feel a weight has been lifted from me. It was high time you all knew the truth. There are rules and laws for everything in this world, the men's room is no exception. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to find the newspaper. Have a great day and check your zipper. Kidding.

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