Welcome back my friends to the show that never ends. We're so glad you could attend. Come inside! Come inside! There inside the house you look and you will see. The greatest d-bags since heat number three. Move along! Move along!
The contestant from this heat have all the makings of a great reality show so why go against that notion. We’ve taken our contestants and locked them in a house. Find out what happens when people stop being polite and start acting like a d-bag.
- Lindsay Lohan
- Megan Fox
- Heidi and Spencer Pratt
- Ryan Jenkins
- Chris Brown
- Kanye West
- Chad Johnson
- Manny Ramirez
As we lock all the contestants in the house we have our first forfeit. It seems both Heidi and Spencer are claiming that they are being tortured after riding up to the D-Bag house in a stretch limo. They have decided to leave before ever stepping foot inside the house. Once the door is closed, it will not be opened until we have crowned a winner… and Heidi and Spencer Pratt are now back, choosing to join the competition, again. Let’s hope that we have no more….and they’re gone again.
Now that everyone is in, we will begin our first competition for head of household. The task set before out hose mates is to stand perfectly still and not open their mouths. The one who can go the longest is the winner. As I’m saying this, Megan Fox is talking incessantly and is disqualified for this challenge. Even she walks away, she is still talking. She is continually putting the word uber in front of every word she says. It’s almost like D-bag Latin or something.
Now, Chad Johnson is out because he has violated the rules of the task and while not actually speaking, he is tweeting to his fans about how cool he is and how he is going to give me a dollar after he wins the challenge.
Ryan Jenkins looks a little unstable but is very still. I’ve asked the judges to do some background checking on him to see if there are any issues with his character. I’ve been assured that he is perfectly fine and is capable of enduring the test. I ask them to check again, because he has just taken a large butcher knife and hacked Lindsay Lohan to pieces.
Manny Ramirez has been suspended for two challenges because it was discovered that he took a performance enhancing drug that rendered him in a catatonic like state.
It is now, neck and neck between Kanye West and Chris Brown. Oh, there goes Kanye. The cameraman got too close and he attacked him. That leaves Chris Brown as head of household. There is some post challenge activity as two potential d-bag contestants, namely Tareq and Michaele Salahi, have crashed the competition looking to get into the reality show. Secret Service has been dispatched but they gave them slip with a "They went that-a-way" move while wearing lampshades. No worries, Ryan Jenkins is on it.
As we head back to the living room for our first elimination we find Heidi and Spencer sitting on the couch. We’re not even sure how they got back into the house, but it is of no matter because Ryan Jenkins has killed them as well. As we clean up the Pratt’s we get down to the elimination. Chris Brown is head of household and immune. The remaining members of the household each vote, unanimously, to remove Ryan Jenkins from the house. With Ryan being selected for elimination, he is removed from competition and subsequently eaten by Megan Fox who truly is a demon. Not wanting to go quietly, Ryan has stabbed Megan repeatedly causing her to bleed out. It’s a shame really, her performance was a bit robotic, but she really transformed herself into a total d-bag over the last year. The Vegas bookies are going to take a loss on this one.
The final challenge is set to go. The members of the household must go through the rest of the day without drawing attention to themselves. Now, there is a secret task that, if completed, will guarantee a win. The task has not been revealed to anyone in the house or the audience.
As the competition starts, Chad Johnson has already begun to cause a stir as he has decided to don a sombrero and poncho and insists on being called Ocho Cinco. He is doing that because he wants to be called by his jersey number of 85. What he fails to realize, and what could have been considered the coup d-bag, is that 85 in Spanish is ochenta y cinco. Ocho cinco is merely the number eight and five. Kanye has ripped down the blinds in the house and fashioned himself a pair of sunglasses. He’ll take a penalty for defacing property and drawing attention to himself. Manny Ramirez has a lock on the win but has decided to quit the competition and take a shower. Wow, that was a surprise move. I’m glad his team gave him all that money to compete. That leaves Chris Brown as the winner of the challenge a second time, and…and…what’s this? Kanye West has broken into the booth and is taking my micr…..
Kanye: Yo, Chris, I’m really happy for you, I’ma let you finish but Ocho Cinco is the biggest D-Bag of all time.
After that disruption, Kanye has handed me back the microphone and I’m getting word from the judges that Kanye West has completed the secret task and has automatically won the competition for biggest D-Bag in this heat. Apparently, unselfishly giving away the title of biggest D-Bag was the secret task.
Here’s the statistics
Chris Brown got his D-Bag status off to an early start by being arrested for domestic violence against singer Rihanna. Since then, he’s pretty much become irrelevant while Rihanna has used the experience to come back stronger. Heidi and Spencer Pratt, apart from being wastes of space, made themselves total D-Bags on the reality show I’m A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here. If they would have just went away and stayed away, they could have saved us all a few brain cells. Manny Ramirez has had an eventful year in that he was suspended for performance enhancing drugs and decided to leave the most important Dodgers game of the year in the ninth inning because he thought he smelled funky.
Ryan Jenkins killed his wife after being allowed to exist on not one reality show, Megan Wants a Millionaire, but a second I Love Money 3. How this nut job made it past the censors and onto television is beyond me. Oh, wait a minute, that’s right, reality shows don’t give a crap about personal safety and ethics. They want a cheap train wreck to drive viewership up. Somewhere in a board room, I’m sure that the discussion of a person’s background comes up and then they roll the dice on what could happen. They also probably goad their contestants to get the best and craziest performance out of them.
Megan Fox and Lindsay Lohan are equal in talent as well as D-Baggery. But while Lindsay is heading towards total crash and burn, sex tape, overdose, Gary Buseyville, Megan Fox shows no sign of stopping and repeatedly opens her mouth letting insanity spew forth. She compares herself to other actresses with 10 times more talent and frankly, what she doesn’t realize is that most guys look at her while holding an athletic sock in one hand.
Chad Johnson, yes I refuse to call him Eight Five, may have some modicum of talent on the field, he totally overshadows it with his antics in the end zone. The fact that the NFL continually just fines the guy for being a d-bag gives them an honorary award as he should be suspended, for the playoffs and possibly longer. But that won’t happen, not when he makes the league money in fines and merchandise. What is really great about Chad being a D-bag is that since 2003 he has only scored three touchdowns against the Steelers. Sorry, just a fan, here but stats don’t lie. The almost irrelevant rivalry between the Steelers and the Bengals comes down to the fact that they continue to be the bigger dogs yet end up screwing themselves in the end. This year is the exception as they lead the AFC North and have playoff dreams while Pittsburgh is doing the math.
Kanye West however takes the microphone of D-Baggery away from them all and comes out on top, moving to the next round. His interruption at the VMA awards this year was ridiculous. Regardless of how much talent Taylor Swift lacks, he lacks class.
Today’s match has been brought to you by the numbers 8 and 5 and the letter D. No real talent was harmed during this post as no real talent was present.