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Monday, December 21, 2009

2009 D-Bag Awards - Heat Three: Political D-Bags

This is going to be a big match up. Due to economic hardships and attention deficit disorder, the IDC (International D-Bag Committee) has decided to merge the international competition into the United States Tournament. In an unprecedented event, D-bag delegates from Iran and North Korea are going to compete for a shot at the world title against American competitors early on in the tournament.

This heat will consist of a pageant of sorts. Each contestant will be judged on five areas of competition, Interview, Talent, Lifestyle & Fitness in Swimsuit, Evening Wear, and Onstage Question. Here are your contestants.

  • Rod Blagojevich (Former Governor of Illinois)
  • Sarah Palin (Former Governor of Alaska and Former Vice Presidential Nominee)
  • Kim Jong Il (Leader of North Korea)
  • Mahmoud Ahmadinejad (Leader of Iran)
  • Mark Sanford (Governor of South Carolina)
  • John Edwards (Fmr. Senator from North Carolina, Fmr. Vice Presidential Nominee, Fmr. Presidential Nominee Hopeful)
Ok, let’s kick things off with the personal interview. Governor Mark Sanford, can you describe what makes you most proud to be in your role as leader? Um, Governor? Has anyone seen the Governor? We are getting word that Mark Sanford has taken an indefinite leave of absence to hike the Appalachian Trail. Oh, I’m sorry, I mean he’s in Argentina nailing some broad. I guess that opens our competition with a forfeit for the Governor. His wife has left the auditorium and is filing divorce proceedings as we speak.

Our next interview is with John Edwards. Mr. Edwards, tell us what it is like to have been in the running for the White House twice and come up short? Um, who are you? Ok, we are being told that Mr. Edwards is claiming that he isn’t a d-bag and that his former campaign aide, Andrew Young is the real d-bag and should be interviewed. Mr. Edwards has also initially claimed that it isn’t even his d-bag even though he promised to be the d-bag after his wife dies of cancer and he will make a solid commitment to being the d-bag in a roof top ceremony with The Dave Matthews Band giving a performance. Wow, that’s two contestants out in the first round. I was really looking forward to the evening wear round for a look at John Edwards’ flawless hair.

Next up, another helmet haired contestant, Rod Blagojevich.
Fmr. Governor, what do you think was your biggest mistake while in office?

Blago: Not getting the money up front.

Good answer. What has life been like for you in 2009?

Blago: Hold on a second. Where’s the football?

Ok, it appears we need to take a minute for Rod to comb his hair. One of his assistants is bringing him a brush in a briefcase. I think he’s done now.

Blago: Ok, where was I? Yes, 2009. I think the year has been hard. I mean I got kicked out of office, I couldn’t be on I’m a Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here and travel restrictions have prevented me from really taking advantage of my post scandal fame. It’s a bummer, man.

Thank you Rod.

Now onto North Korean Leader Kim Jong-Il Dear Leader can you describe what it means to the people of North Korea that you are here competing?

Kim Jong-Il (Through Interpreter) Competing? There is no competition. I am magical and the best there is. No matter where I go, I bring North Korea with me. In fact, you are in violation of trespassing onto North Korean soil. You will be seized and be forced to work 12 years of hard labor. Guards.

Apparently, Kim Jong-Il is talking to a light stand and I think he might be a little demented. Um, we really can’t tell but we think he believes that he is surrounded by guards and that they are going to take me into custody. I think we better take a break until we can figure this out. Oh, there he goes for the boom mic. Yep, he thinks it’s an American drone ship. It appears that he is attempting to toss his pen at the microphone, spouting something about long range missiles but his aim is terrible. We’ll be right back.

We have successfully managed to negotiate my release as well as convince Kim Jong-Il that our green room was one of his palaces. Unfortunately, he has annexed it along with the Craft Services table and has built a fort with the chairs and blanket inside.

Next up, we have Iranian Leader Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.

Mahmoud, can you tell us what you believe makes you the biggest d-bag of 2009?

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad: (Inaudible response.)

I’m sorry Mr. President we couldn’t quite make that out. There seems to be a huge protest going on right next to us. It appears that numerous Iranian protesters are shouting something about fraud and scandal over your nomination. Hold on a second. Excuse me. You realize that this is an award for being the biggest D-bag of the year, right? Ok, the translator has relayed the message and now it appears that they are cheering Mahmoud Ahmadinejad on. I’m afraid we’ll have to skip the interview, however, due to continued disruptions.

Last, but certainly not.. well whatever, Sarah Palin.

Fmr. Governor Palin, that’s a lovely shade of red your pant suit has.

Sarah Palin: Why thank you. I picked up it at the RNC’s yard sale. It looks just like the one I wore on the campaign trail.

Um, Sarah, I believe that is the actual suit. I think the RNC is trying to recoup the costs of the campaign from last year. Now, you’ve had quite a busy year, your daughter, Bristol, gave birth just before 2009 started. Then her and Levi broke up, you gave up your office as Governor of Alaska and wrote a book. How do you find the time to stay so relevant?

Sarah: Oh well, you know, we Alaskans aren’t just up there on top of the world to keep the snow of the rest of, ya. We’re busy and we keep ourselves going on the notion that any day, some Russian could just show up unannounced on our beach. People always think that Red Dawn was a possibility. Youknow, that the Russians could move through Alaska and overthrow the United States. Well, I can tell you that would never happen. Alaskans are always vigil and could see a Russian attack coming because of the proximity. Those Ruskies would never make it out of the boats.

Ms. Palin, what you've just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.

We’re just going to end this round and catch up later. After a long day of competition we bring you this update.

During the talent portion of the competition Rod Blagojevich was disqualified for trying to sell John Edwards vacant position to the highest bidder, in attempt to pay off his extensive Paul Mitchell bills. Mahmoud Ahmadinejad performed a stand up routine but most of his jokes about Jewish people fell flat due to him not being Jewish. Sarah Palin wowed the crowd with a display of marksmanship as she successfully wiped out an entire species of rare wolves without reloading her automatic rifle. But by far, the star of the talent competition was Kim Jong-Il who simultaneously wrote and performed an aria while sinking an impressive hole in one on a 560 yard par five hole, that was completely under water.

During the Swimsuit competition, Sarah Palin appeared in what looked like a swimsuit but the judges are investigating that it really wasn’t Palin, from today, but a version of Palin from another competition. Kim Jong-Il showed up in a lovely one piece swimsuit, circa 1924 and Mahmoud Ahmadinejad wore a speedo that pretty much let us know he really wasn’t Jewish.

In evening wear competition, Sarah Palin busted out her old pageant dress and was nice enough to bring little Trig out with her. In fact, she spent more time showing off Trig than herself, much to the "oohs" and "awws" of the crowd. Kim Jong-Il forfeited when it was discovered that while he claimed to have designed and stitched his own tuxedo, in reality, sweat shop workers from North Korea were flown in to do the work. Mahmoud Ahmadinejad really didn’t impress us all that much as he came out in a tan suit, without a tie, and was unshaven.

In the end the all important event, the Onstage Question was ultimately thrown out. Quite frankly, we aren’t even exactly sure what happened, but Sarah Palin was asked a question and then she went into a three hour long rant that made absolutely no sense, and quite frankly I fell asleep during, only to wake up as she plugged her new book three times, brought Trig back out to get the crowd back into it and then she just stopped talking all together. She stood there for about three minutes and then walked off the stage. Mahmoud Ahmadinejad had already left, thinking that the entire competition was a myth.

So, it looks like everyone else was either disqualified or quit making Sarah Palin the winner of this round. We’d like to congratulate her but it seems that she’s off on another book signing, with Trig in tow.

Here’s the breakdown.
If you had to compare John Edwards to Mark Sanford, you could say that Mark was the bigger d-bag for putting the line of leadership in South Carolina in jeopardy by going off the grid to get a little nookie. However, John Edwards is hands down the bigger d-bag because of his cheating, fathering, and ultimately denying the child and affair all while his wife battled cancer. However, when it comes to political d-baggery, Rod Blagojevich held his own auction for a senate seat and pretty much is just an ass hat beyond that. Out of the international stage, Kim Jong-Il is losing relevancy and his marbles. He’s living in his own version of Oz and he claims to be able to make it rain better than Pac-Man Jones at a strip club. Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is truly a d-bag in his own right, and quite frankly, the holocaust was real but I think his presidency is the myth. So, that leaves you with Sarah Palin. She continues to keep kicking the dead fame horse and will do so for the next four years. Quite frankly, if she can maintain any sense of relevancy beyond 2010 I will be shocked. If she can do it, expect her to run for the GOP ticket. If the Republicans are dumb enough to think she can be their savior then they are really screwed. If they think like McCain did, they will try to use her to gain the popularity vote, hoping to influence the electoral college to vote for her but they will spend the next two years deprogramming and brainwashing her into a robot that will be able to follow the party line and not go rogue. The hollowed out shell of Sarahcuda will be nothing more than lipstick on an elephant.

Today’s competition was brought to you by Lens Crafters and Brylcream. Mahmoud Ahmadinejad’s wardrobe by Botany 500.

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