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Monday, December 12, 2011

2011 D-Bag Awards: Wannabe Celebrities

In this category, folks who have made a lasting d-bag impact on the Internet or those who have tried to become a celebrity for lack of a better reason than to land themselves in the lineup of the nominations here will duke it out for a chance to go bags deep against the other bracket winners.

In the past I have been a little more creative in my color commentary on the fight but have opted to keep it simple and save us all a little time. So, without further adieu, here we go.

The Kardashians – 21st Century Television and Pop Culture’s Answer to The Brady Bunch.
First up, we have The Kardashians, Kim, Kourtney, and Khloesquatch… er Khloe. This trifecta of fame whores have kept some glued to their inane brain droppings through their reality show, Keep Up With the Kardashians, & <****> Take <*>, and <*>, or any other derivative their crap. Also, Rob has participated on Dancing With The Stars and even outlasted his older sister which is a testament of how the non-K named Kardashians and Jenners are trying to get away from these other no talent ass clowns. Who are simply famous because their father once got a former football star and actor acquitted of murder.

This year brought a new wrinkle as Kim married and divorced Kris Humpries (There’s that K, again) faster than it takes me to call and get an appointment with my PCP. Truly, the Kardashians are a shining example of why same sex marriage is something that is so dangerous it needs to be neuralyzed from our minds. /sarcasm

They are truly one big collective hot mess of a d-bag. K?

Brooke Mueller – The Fighting Coke Head.
Remember when Brooke had Charlie arrested for assaulting her on Christmas Day? Remember when we all looked at Charlie Sheen and thought he was the one on drugs and out of control? Remember when Brooke snatched little Bob and Max from Sheen’s goddess den of winning and we all thought, “Now that’s the sign of a good mother!”? Remember when we read how Brooke can’t stay off the blow and stop punching people and we realized we may be wrong?

Brooke can’t seem to stay away from Aspen and all the white powder up there. She filed a restraining order against Sheen and had their children physically removed from his custody because she felt he was insane. Now, even though Charlie looks to still be out there on Mars as a Vatican Assassin, the cracks in Brooke’s case appear to be crumbling as she just got busted for assault and drug possession. Somebody gives those kids to Emilio before she does something really stupid.

Michael “The Situation Sorrentino – More Situation than Comedy.
The Jersey Shore refuses to go away, no matter how many times we ask them to not come home. Personally, I love to watch this video from the 0:03 second mark and then just keep clicking there so Snooki gets her poof knocked off again and again and again.

However, this isn’t about Snooki. This is about little Mikey. You know the guy who was brought in to roast Donald Trump? Well, he didn’t so hot.

Sounds like The Situation was more of a bomb threat. Jeff Ross gave him the biggest laugh of the night which was basically a shot how much he sucked. Truthfully, I could watch the rest of the bit. He made some nonsensical, “I banged a hot chick on a pile of money…” joke and after the crickets stopped chirping I flipped back to Snooki being punched repeatedly.

Seriously, the Kardashians should sue this guy for copyrighting their success model which basically has less steps than the Underwear Gnome’s plan and 100% more success. Why do we reward this kind of behavior with multimillion dollar television deals, book deals, and more? Because marketing and network execs laugh at these people all the way to the bank. They know they have no talent and yet they know we have no standards when it comes to entertainment. As long as we keep watching, these people will have an outlet to be d-bags.

Courtney Stodden – Wannabe Celebrity with the fakest looking real boobs on a 40 year old high school bride.
Doug Hutchison was never an A-list actor. He had a small role in The X-Files and then he played a larger one on LOST. In the Green Mile, he was the bastard guard who didn’t soak the sponge before they threw the switch on Mr. Noodle.

But now, at age 51, Doug has taken on a new role. He married 16 year old Courtney Stodden. Now, you may wonder, “Am I on some time travelling, moving, decanter of light island where it’s OK to marry a minor?” Nope, this isn’t the island. This is Vegas. I don’t know which is harder to believe, a mother willing to sign a consent form allowing the marriage of her 16 year old daughter to a 51 year old or that this 16 year old is really 16. Have you seen her?

So, this year has been a real whirlwind courtship as she got kicked out of a pumpkin patch for dry humping her husband in front of kids while wearing daisy dukes and pretty much letting the girls fall out. She did an anti-bullying ad which told kids to stay true to themselves… um, OK, so we should not follow your example of changing who we are? She had a mammogram of her chest to prove she was natural and she shopped around a reality show for her and her hubby. As much as it pains me to say this, she succeeded.

She is a hot mess that can’t sing to save her life and probably is going to become more famous than her husband. He, of course recently pulled out of a movie because his character, an older director, has a sexual relationship with a teenage pop star in his movie. I think he realized the joke and decided that he didn’t need to parody his real life, potentially ruining an already horrible movie idea. At least she’ll be able to go see the movie without an adult when it comes out.

When this all comes crashing down around them, I will say, “Buck up, Courtney. It’ll get better. Not much, but it will.” With that I leave you with this, “

And for the moment you’ve all been waiting for… the winner of this bracket is:

The Kardashians

Why them?

I wanted to give the round to a different Courtney. But, I just couldn’t bring myself to giving her anymore publicity, Mmmmhmmmmm. The Kardashians come at you with sheer numbers. Besides, the whole farce of a marriage between Kim and Kris makes them that much more despicable. At least Doug and Courtney have made it past 180 days of marriage, more than twice that of Kim and Kris. I can only hope Doug gets crowned prom king on their anniversary.
What’s next?

The Kardashian’s have a bit of a wait before they square off with the other 7 winners from the other rounds. Up next is the Celebrity bracket.

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