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Monday, May 20, 2013

While You Were Sleeping Part 1: What the cicadas missed from 1996-1999

Welcome back, cicadas.   I know you’ll have been gone awhile, so I decided to put a list of all the things that have happened since you were around the last time.   I wrote these down as they happened. 

Let’s see, that was 1996? What’s been going on since then.

1996-1999 (The world might explode at that point, so I stopped here.)

The Summer Olympics, which were in Atlanta that year, had a bomb explode causing one death from the explosion, one from a heart attack, and  111 injuries.  A man who found the bomb and cleared people out of the way, saving lives, was accused and persecuted in the eyes of the media before the real bomber was found in 1997 and convicted.  Don’t worry though, the media probably won’t screw up again in 17 years, right?

Princess Diana was killed in a car accident in 1997 in Paris after being chase by paparazzi through the city.  They stood around and took pictures of the wreckage instead of helping.  But… not worry, paparazzi wouldn’t cause any more issues since, right?

A bunch of people, believing that they were going to ride on a comet/alien spaceship, committed suicide in California, but it probably will be the last time that anyone died, believing something somebody told them to be true, right?

OJ Simpson was convicted of wrongful death in a civil trial, even though he was found not guilty in the criminal trial.  He’s probably not going to do any time for anything, so don’t worry.

Bill Clinton was accused of having an inappropriate relationship with an intern in the Oval Office.  So, his career and credibility are pretty much screwed for eternity.  It’s not like he’s going to have any effect on any future politics. 

The U.S. had a budget surplus, the first in 30 years.  Everything concerning the economy will probably be great until you return.

Two boys in Columbine, Colorado went on a shooting spree in their high school, killing 15 ppl.    They died in the incident from self inflicted gunshot wounds.   I think it will be an isolated incident and should be the last time we ever talk about guns or school shootings or anything like that.

Some guy named Osama Bin Laden set up a base of terrorists in Afghanistan and was responsible for the bombing of the American embassy in Africa.   Isolated incident.  Probably be the last time we hear his name, ever.

And don't worry about catching up on news.  I'm sure CNN will still be the best place to get news from on television.

DVDs are a new thing.  They might replace VHS tapes, so when you get back your Star Wars movies, you know the ones you got on Laserdisc, might not be worth anything.   In fact, they are coming back into the theaters, so we’ll get to see the same movies you have on those discs on the big screen.  Great, right?  You may want to stock on a bunch of movies on DVD when you get back.  They should be the best thing going.

The Internet is kind of taking off, a bit.  Not sure if it will still be around when you get back.  There is this cool website, though.  It basically goes out and looks for everything based on a set of words you type into the search field.  They call it a search engine.  Should be really popular.  It’s called Ask Jeeves.

Speaking of the Internet, there was a little web browser that was out just before you left.  It’s the biggest thing going.  Should be pretty advanced by the time you get back.  I’ll make sure you have the latest copy of Netscape Navigator installed on your Pentium II when you awake.   (update) Scratch that.  Pentium III.

I still need to find your password for your computer.   There’s some talk about this thing that will happen on midnight 1999.  We may have to print this list out and put it somewhere safe.  A lot of shit is going to break come January 1st, 2000.  Hopefully, the list will still be here.

I took the liberty of creating you an account on a pretty sweet website.  You can meet a lot of people, put pictures of yourself on there, share stuff, make a lot of friends, too.   I will actively update it and make sure you keep making friends.   You’ll probably have 1000s by 2013.  Your site is

Remember all those mix tapes you had when?  I know you were pretty upset I left them in my car that one day during that heat wave.   Don’t worry, when you get back in 2013 you can do this new thing called CD burning.   All your music can be put on CDs, now.  And there’s this cool place you can find all those old Emerson Lake and Palmer songs to burn on your CDs.   It’s called Napster.

Will Smith, you know, The Fresh Prince, did a good job in a movie about Aliens attacking Earth.  It will probably be the greatest Sci-Fi movie, ever.  Though, I’m sure Mr. Smith is just content playing Fresh Prince on television.

There’s also a new Star Trek movie.    I see no reason to tinker with the Next Generation format.  They should be good for a number of films, just like the cast of the original series.

George Clooney is now playing Batman.  Should be good.  He’ll probably be Batman for a long time.

If you thought Toy Story was good, this new film from Pixar is pretty nice.  Glad to know they were able to do one more good movie, though I don’t know where they’ll go next.

I know how you liked Law & Order, so you’ll be happy to know it will probably be on when you come back.  Good show, not many like it.

Simpsons are still on believe it or not, even after almost 10 years.  Though, I’m sure it’s bound to done here real soon.  Probably only catch it in reruns in 2013.

Lot of talk about game shows making a comeback and something called a Reality Show.   Personally, I don’t see it working out.  Who wants to watch real life when Friends and Dawson’s Creek, and ER is still going strong.

The Yankees won the World Series three out of four times so far.  They'll probably win another ten before you come back.

A lot of people are talking about this kid named Tiger in golf.  Wonder who he is?

I know how upset you were that The Dallas Cowboys beat our Steelers in the Super Bowl.  I know they are America's Team, so don't be surprised when you come back and they still have more trophies than Pittsburgh. 

You were wondering about how hockey would turn out during your absence.  You were pretty unsure about it since two expansion teams went to the Stanley Cup that year.  I'm sure it was a fluke and probably won't happen again.  I mean, what does the Southern portion of the United States know about having a winning hockey team?  Go Canada, right?  They invented the sport.

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