Response to Entertainment Weekly's 100 Greatest Characters of the Last 20 Years

I often find myself catching up to pop culture because real life just gets in the way. But that’s the thing about Pop Culture, it waits for you. Sometimes it waits a long while, keeping dinner warm. Only something worthy of being an icon of Pop Cult could endure the time it takes for me to get around to it and it lasts for years. There is no expiration date for a truly great piece of PC history. So, it wasn’t until this past week that I finally got around to reading EW’s article on the 100 greatest characters in the last 20 years. For once, I’ve lost my appetite for a dinner that should be piping hot even after two decades.

Now, I am usually pretty quick to go after EW online for it’s shameful lists. I may not even be a mediocre writer, but the people they get to write up their top whatever of the whatever lists needs a serious slap in the face from a tuna. Plucking through the written pages of the actual magazine usually derives more satisfaction because this is you’re A-Team working on the articles. Yet, the author gives us such tripe that I expected to it be written for my blog. That’s how bad I regard my skills.

First of all, why 20 years? Could it possibly be a running theme with EW as of late? They’ve been waxing nostalgic about “20 years ago, this week” in the mag, bringing me back to my Sophomore year of high school. The problem is that some of the more iconic characters they are choosing share their roots with pre 1990 Pop Culture. In fact their number one pick, who I don’t necessarily disagree with, got their start in 1987. So let’s dissect the biggest offenders an then, as usual, I will offer my own truncated list of 20 in 20.

Homer Simpson from The Simpsons
There is no denying that Homer Simpson is one of the greatest. But to say that he’s the greatest of the last twenty years makes me say wonder if EW is really so smart, s-m-r-t. Homer got his start as a crudely drawn loud mouth father, featured in animated shorts on the Tracey Ullman show in 1987. It wasn’t until December of 1989 that The Simpsons became a full fledged show on its own. Even then, the draw to The Simpsons wasn’t the bumbling everyman but his sarcastic, rotten son named Bart. Look back at the first part of the 90s and you’ll be pressed to find Homer on every other t-shirt. Bart was the real iconic character of the early years. Homer was dumb and slovenly but It wasn’t until the second and third seasons when Dan Castellaneta dropped Homer’s voice from one that sounded like Coach Buttermaker to one that gave him greater comedic freedoms that Homer finally took his place as the face of the show. So, I guess it’s debatable as to when Homer finally was born into the Pop Culture lexicon.

Harry Potter from the Harry Potter series
I have no arguments with Harry Potter being in the top 10. I have some concerns about him being number 2.  Books, movies, video games, amusement parks, you name it. That’s a true sign of Pop Culture proliferation.

Buffy from Buffy the Vampire Slayer
I’ll be the first to admit that I am shocked and elated to see Buffy on this list. The character represents a great deal of girl power...more so than the Spice Girls. Strong, witty, honest, loving and tough to kill she’s equal parts Ripley and Cher from Clueless. But I think a better choice for the number three slot would be to take a page from Buffy herself. In much of the series and especially in the final episode, Buffy broke the rules of The Slayer. For millennia The Powers That Be stated that it was always a solo gig, when the Slayer dies, another one is “activated.” One girl against the forces of evil. That disallowed attachments for family, love, and life. However, the Scoobies evolved as a desire to not tackle the demons in the world alone and in a final act of teamwork, Buffy devised a plan that involved using her team to activate every potential Slayer in the world at the same time, allowing her to attack the First Evil head on with her own army. So, that act of selflessness and teamwork leads me to nominate someone else in her place....further down the page.

Tony Soprano from The Sopranos
No complaints with Tony being on the list. Welcome to the club. Much deserved.

The Joker from The Dark Knight
I was all prepared to blast this one away as a moment of pretentiousness but the more I read that title, the more I see this as preserving a moment in the life of the character. The Joker is 70 years old and has been played by Cesar Romero, Jack Nicholson, Mark Hamill (voice), Andrew Koenig (Growing Pains’ Boner), and Heath Ledger. To be fair, the cutoff of 1990 excludes Jack Nicholson’s performance however, how could you not think of at least Cesar, Jack, and Heath as the trinity of Pop Culture Jokers on film? Heath’s portrayal and academy award for The Dark Knight is bittersweet in that it’s up in the air as to the lasting impression his performance would have made had he not died.

Rachel Green from Friends
Another deserving to be on the list but I don’t know if I would have put her above Hannibal Lecter. Rachel Green inspired a hair style and a love of the idea of a spoiled rich girl actually seeing the love of her life in the form of her childhood best friend’s dorky older brother. Ross and Rachel embodied a triumph for all of us schlubs who pined for the pretty and popular girl in our home town but never got her. Friends was a decade long love affair with a close knit group of twentysomethings that grew up with us and to not acknowledge one of them would have me knock my fists together with my thumbs out at you.

Edward Scissorhands from Edward Scissorhands
Great character, great portrayal, wonderful addition but top ten? Meh. Jack Sparrow belongs in the top ten in Eddie’s place. Sorry, Johnny, but you are better than you.

Hannibal Lecter from The Silence of the Lambs and its sequels
It puts the doctor in the top five or else it gets the hose. I’m slightly torn. Once again, EW looks at a microcosm of a character, a performer. That’s not to say that Sir Anthony Hopkins didn’t chew up the scenery with some fava beans and a nice Chianti, but the “Character” was born into existence a decade earlier in the novel Red Dragon. Lecter was also played by Brian Cox in the 1986 adaption of that novel. Still, I will give props to Hopkins for turning Lecter into the icon he is today but to put him at number eight behind Edward Scissorhands and Rachel Green is something that makes the lambs scream.

Carrie Bradshaw from Sex and the City
I will not dismiss SATC as a piece of Pop Culture history, however, putting Carrie Bradshaw in the top ten is ridiculous. And since EW found it ok to list two characters for the price of one throughout this list, I say you need to have all four characters from SATC to be accurate. Together they are better than their individual parts. Alone, Carrie is not memorable, it’s only the addition of and observation of her close friends that makes her interesting. Without them, she’s just a goofy girl on the corner in a tutu.

SpongeBob SquarePants from SpongeBob SquarePants
Oh, how I wish it weren’t so. But, yes, SpongeBob is a part of Pop Culture. To put him in the top ten above another kid targeted icon is a huge fail for EW. Listing SpongeBob at 10 while Elmo is at 38 is crazy. And with that, I will give you my gripes with the rest of the list.


OTHER GRIPES WITH THE TOP 100

19. Morpheus from The Matrix series
Why not Neo? After all, he is the one. Hey, I love Laurence Fishburne and Morpheus was a great character but dude, Neo or even Mr. Smith was a greater character.

33. Sarah Connor from Terminator 2: Judgment Day
Yeah, the 2.0 model of Sarah Connor was more kick ass than 1.0 but still, the character was born in the 80s. Shouldn’t be on this list with these parameters.

40. Ron Burgundy from Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy
You mean to tell me that Ron Burgundy is a greater character than Jack Bauer or Tyler Durden. Stay Classy, EW.

46. Jerry Maguire from Jerry Maguire
Tom Cruise didn’t win the Oscar, Cuba Gooding, Jr. did. Jerry Maguire was not as great as Rod Tidwell in terms of character. Hell, the kid was a better character than Jerry Maguire. Rod Tidwell should be in the number 46 slot.

57. Clayton Bigsby from Chappelle’s Show
Great, yes. Better than Chappelle’s Rick James? No. Oh, but Rick James is a real person and he was from 40 years ago. If you are going to allow characters from previous decades a place on this list then the second season’s inclusion of the actual Rick James as a commenter on his life being recounted by Charlie Murphy should be allowed if you can’t handle Chappelle’s portrayal.

63. John Locke from LostLocke is an awesome character. But LOST produced so many of them that they are all great individually. And with the season six finale revealing that John Locke truly was dead and his image was being used by The Man In Black, the actor, Terry O’Quinn made the guise of John Locke that much more interesting. However, if I had to pick one character from all of LOST that summed up a “greatest character” representation I would have picked the island. And if that doesn’t suit you, I say Benjamin Linus as a very close second. Michael Emerson’s portrayal of Ben is hands down one of the greatest in Pop Culture, ranking up there in the shadow of Hannibal Lecter.

93. Game Boys: Nathan Drake from the Uncharted series; Kratos from the God of War series; and Niko Bellic from Grand Theft Auto IV
Nathan Drake, Hell yes, Kratos, ok. Niko Bellic? Maybe, but if you want to really look at the Grand Theft Auto series as a part of Pop Culture then you need to take a step back and look at a character that thrust GTA into the annals of PC and that would be Claude Speed. Not good enough for you? Fine. Then Tommy Vercetti. Still not good enough for you? Then how about ALL of the main characters from GTA. Since Master Chief got his own slot, Nathan Drake can have his own on the 100, too, preferably above Mary Catherine Gallagher.

100. Tim Riggins from Friday Night LightsI have never seen Friday Night Lights in movie form or television form but if you are going to cap off your list with Tim Riggins and neglect having Walter White on this list, you need to have your head examined.

MY TOP 20 OF THE LAST 20

20 Senator / Emperor Palpatine (Star Wars Episode I – III)
19 Wolveine (four movies)
18 The Genie (Aladdin)
17 Sue Sylvester (Glee)
16 Lara Croft (The Tomb Raider Series of games and film)
15 Wayne Campbell and Garth Algar (Waynes World movies and SNL sketches)
14 Jeff “The Dude” Lebowski (The Big Lebowski)
13 Walter White (Breaking Bad)
12 The Joker from Dark Knight
11 Andy Sipowicz (NYPD Blue)
10 Benjamin Linus (LOST)
9 Shrek (Shrek movies and television special)
8 Harry Potter (From the novels and films)
7 Verbal Kint aka Keyser Soze
6 Jack Sparrow (Pirates of the Caribbean)
5 Cosmo Kramer (Seinfeld)
4 Elmo (Sesame Street)
3 The Scoobies / Angel Investigations (The Whedonverse)
2 Hannibal Lecter (Hannibal films and novels)
1 Homer Simpson (Simpsons)


SUBSTITUTIONS

I can’t say that I’m completely familiar with the entire list but there are some glaring omissions and I’m going to replace some people who should have made this list. I’m not going to reorganize the placement of the list but some will probably move up or down based on my substitutions.


OUT
Hancock (Hancock) Sorry will, I didn’t really like the movie all that much and it didn’t hit Pop Culture all that much.


Tim Riggins (Friday Night Lights) See above


Tracy Flick (Election) I can think if ten other characters that are greater, but she is pretty awesome so she’s gone.


Mary Katherine Gallagher (SNL and Superstar) There are much better sketch characters than Superstar MKG The Spartan Cheerleaders, Nat-X, The Church Lady (who appeared in the 90s and 2000) and my substitution listed below.


Mary Jones ((Precious) The next ten years, maybe we’ll go back and include her. Like Avatar, the characters are too fresh on the canvas of PC


Allie and Noah (The Notebook) meh... just meh


Wikus van de Merwe (District 9) Same reason as Mary Jones. Too soon.


Tracy Jordan (30 Rock) I substituted a better character from the show below.


Jerry Maguire (Jerry Maguire) See above


John Locke (LOST) I hated to do it but Benjamin Linus is a better choice.


Clayton Bigbsy (Chappelle’s Show) See above


Austin Powers (Austin Powers Movies) great character, but if you are going to recognize Mike Meyers in that movie a better choice would be Dr. Evil


Cal Stephanides from Middlesex I admit it.  I've never read the novel and I really don't care.  I just needed to get rid of somebody to include The Borg.
 
IN

Leo McGarry (The West Wing)  The late John Spencer was the greatest straight man in a show about a bunch of screwball West Wing Staff, he was the glue that kept the daily operations together. I could have chosen Toby Ziegler, C.J. Cregg, Josh Lyman, Sam Seaborn Donna Moss, or even President Bartlet but Leo McGarry made them all better characters with his excellent wrangling of personalities.


Angela Chase (My So-Called Life)  Before there was Dawson, Pacey, Joey, or Jen, there was Angela, Rayanne, Brian and Jordan. It was a short lived show that had it aired two years later would have been picked up for more seasons.


Spider-Man (The Spider-Man films)  With great power comes great responsibility. If X-Men proved that superhero and comic book films were not dead, Spider-Man gave the genre eight legs to run amok. Spider-Man in the hands of Tobey MaGuire made the geek king and allowed a vulnerable teenager the chance to play God and figure out his way in the world of duality. The man you are, the legend you’ve become, the legacy you leave.


Lenny Briscoe (Law & Order franchise)  How could you not include such an iconic character as one of New York’s finest hard boiled detectives. His legacy is only stunted by the fact that Jerry Orbach died before he could assume the lead in his own spinoff.


Robert Langdon (Dan Brown novels) Bookish yet devilishly adept at fending off assassins and terrorists, Langdon emerged as a thinking man’s hero on the pages of Dan Brown’s controversial novels, Angels & Demons and The Da Vinci Code. In film, Tom Hanks brought a whole other facet to the character, as well as a weird hairstyle that reminded us of bad coif choices like Harrison Ford in Presumed Innocent.


Jack Ryan (Tom Clancy films and novels)  People will debate who was the better Captain of the Enterprise, James Bond, and Jack Ryan for as long as there will be a bar to sit in and debate the topics. For my money, I loved Harrison Ford from Patriot Games and Clear and Present Danger. A friend of mine will defend Alec Baldwin with his life. No one is willing to touch Ben Affleck, though.


Jack Donaghy (30 Rock) I admit that I don’t watch 30 Rock due to my hatred of it in light of winning the sketch show within a show war against Studio 60 On the Sunset Strip, however I cannot exclude Alec Baldwin’s excellent portrayal of the Vice President of East Coast Television and Microwave Oven Programming for GE. All I have to say is three words, porn for women.


Troy McClure (The Simpsons) The late Phil Hartman had so many wonderful characters, Anal Retentive Chef, Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer, Bill McNeil, Frank Sinatra, Frankenstein, to name a lot. However, Troy McClure represented a great pitch man and washed up movie actor. McClure had become one of Hartman’s most popular characters and voices and it’s only fitting that the character was retired after Phil’s death.


Rod Tidwell (Jerry Maguire) See above


Ben Linus (LOST) See above


Rick James (Chappelle’s Show) See above

Dr. Evil (Austin Powers movies) Mike Meyers nails down at least four characters throughout the three films but none of them, not even the International Man of Mystery can hold a candle attached to the head of a frickin shark to Dr. Evil. Case in point...

There you have it. My soap box is now gone. EW, you really missed the boat on this one. For shame.

Movies You Watch Over and Over

Once again, EW has taken a crack at creating another list of sorts and once again a miss on the final verdict.

This time around it’s movies that you watch over and over. I don’t know about the rest of you, but by EW saying that you = me then they really don’t know me at all. Granted, I will give them credit for nailing about a third of the list of my personal repeat viewings, they sadly did not encompass a complete listing of the ones I would consider movies I would watch over and over again. Why they chose 17 instead of a round number like 15 or 20 is beyond me.

So, if you want their take, click on the link above. If you want my personal take, and this is not a best of against all others, see below.

First off the six that EW nailed.

The Princess Bride (1987)
Highly quotable and readily available on cable, this is a classic tale of true love. The Fire Swamp, the Pit of Despair, the battle of wits, and what I would give for a holocaust cloak. All these ideas conjures up a true fairy tale world full of giants and pirates and awesome sword play from the guy that brought kick ass light saber duels. Inconceivable, you say about watching it, repeatedly? I don’t think that word means what you think it means. Now watch the damn movie, I mean it. Anybody want a peanut?

Die Hard (1988)
Encore has been running this classic repeatedly over the last month and even though I have the first three on DVD, I must watch it every time I see it on television. I made the bold statement on my Facebook status, recently, that I believed it to be one of the top five all time best action movies, if not number two. In that list I think I put Raiders of the Lost Ark at number one. Regardless of status on any other list, this one agrees with EW that it is highly repeatable. Why? Once again, quotable, perfect premise, and easily accessible. It is timeless because it spawned a gross amount of copycats dubbed the “Die Hard on a blank” films ranging from boats, trains, planes, and even a hockey arena. John McClane is also the everyman who has no problem with speaking his mind during a fight. Go back and watch the fight scene with Alexander Gudunov (RIP) towards the end and you’ll see why McClane is perfect. He literally spouts various things he will do to the bad guy as he is fighting him which just speaks to what we all would be thinking if we were in the same situation. “You mother******, I'm gonna kill you! I'm gonna ******' cook you, and I'm gonna ******* eat you!” You can’t argue with that. I couldn't, even at 13, which is how I was when I saw this in the theater. R rated movies weren't policed as much then.

The Goonies (1985)
The map, the restaurant, the water slide, the ship. A classic Saturday afternoon, rainy day, treat of an adventure that pits kids against booby traps and felon family members. Spielberg and Donner brought together all the elements in a nonstop roller coaster ride of fun. Yes, the dialogue is a bit cheesy and the acting is rather bad from some of the kids but you cannot help but take on the voice of Sloth when you eat ice cream or profess your love for someone else. I will say that while it is readily available on cable, stay away from the commercial laden channels and hope to catch this on movie channels because networks like G4 butcher the hell out of it in terms of editing. If you have never seen the movie before you get the worst possible line of continuity of the plot and those of us with the film and dialogue permanently burned in our brain will find it horrible to try and watch, skipping over classic lines in our mind, while we see the film jump completely over scenes of relevance to the story.

Shawshank Redemption (1994)
It might be the story or it might be Morgan Freeman’s voice that makes me continually watch this when it comes on TNT usually once a week. It clocks in at over two hours on television and despite the length, it normally classifies as a repeat viewing as well as a film that should be on a separate list for movies-I-catch-at-the-same-spot-each-time-I-watch-it. The script is so good that you forget that this was written by Master of Horror, Stephen King. Extra Special scenes of note are the rooftop tarring and beer drinking scene, the reveal of how Andy Dufresne beat the warden, and Red getting paroled.

Back To the Future (1985)
Another gem of repeatable viewing, the original conjures up that era of capitalism and 80s nostalgia. We should all wish to magically wake up to a life of inherited wealth with a brand new truck and other material possessions without having to really work for them. And the move perfectly captures the 80s as well as the 50s which makes it a great placeholder for the Reagan years which include Pepsi Free, the Walkman used in Darth Vader from the planet Vulcan persuasion scene, the De Lorean and the Valtera skateboard used by Mary McFly. Admit it, you tried riding a board while hanging onto the bumper of a car. I did, although it was one of those polypropylene banana boards from the 70s. They were akin to roller skates versus in line skates or Rollerblades if you compared the banana board to the more popular models of skateboard. Christopher Lloyd offers up one of the greatest lines ever in “When this baby hits 88 mph, you’re going to see some serious shit,” which is second only to Biff Tannen’s “Hello, McFly?” which is a paraphrase of the actual dialogue spoken in this film.

Clue (1985)
Anyone who grew up with the board game or better yet video games in the 80s knows that adapting a game is really a bad idea. Adapting a board game is nearly impossible. Although, I am still waiting for that buddy flick, Chutes and Ladders, to be greenlit. That being said, Clue gets the job done, masterfully, in a way that could only be attributed to its cast. Martin Mull, Christopher Lloyd, Tim Curry, Michael McKean and Lesley Anne Warren might not be what you consider A list celebrities but in their own right they are comedy royalty. You have one third of Spinal Tap, Frank N. Furter, Father Jim/Doc Brown, and a staple of Mel Brooks movies in Madeline Khan. (RIP) “I hated her... so... much, It–it... the f–, it–flame... flames... flames on the side of my face, breathing, breath... heaving breaths... heaving...” throw in a pop culture cameos from Howard Hessman, Jeffrey Kramer, go-go goofball dominatrix, Jane Wiedlin and Kellye Nakahara-Wallet that only true Pop Culturists will know as Nurse Kellye and that’s all I’m saying because I’m tired of throwing you too many bones. The multiple endings, the adherence to the game’s plot and good god, Colleen Camp gives reason to multiply view the movie.

Now the rest of the list.

Overboard (1987)
One of my wife’s favorite films and a testament to a successful relationship in Hollywood that has outlasted Tom and Nicole, Burt and Lonnie, Meg and Dennis and is only five years short of beating out Tom and Rita. It’s another pure 80s flick as it follows the premise of a secret that keeps to people together as long as that secret doesn’t get out, much like films where a guy dresses up as a girl or vice versa. Here, Kurt Russell takes in amnesiac Goldie Hawn, who in reality is a rich bitch who hired carpenter Kurt to design a shoe closet for her yacht. After she refuses to pay, he plots revenge to make her feel what it means to have nothing when she falls overboard and washes up with no memory. Pretending to be her husband he brings her to the backwoods of the Pacific Northwest and the two end up in love. It’s a cheesy rom-com that actually makes me laugh and I have to watch it whenever it comes on television.

Secret of My Success (1987)
Another testament to the power of Gordon Gekko’s idea that greed is good. Michael J. Fox shows up again in a film about capitalism as he fakes his way into the corporate world as a mythical executive at his uncle’s company. He accidentally beds his aunt (by marriage), falls in love with his uncle’s mistress, and plots to take over the company before his uncle can let it be taken over by Herman Munster, himself, Fred Gwynne. The soundtrack features Who legend and 80s soundtrack God Roger Daltrey as well as David (St. Elmo’s Fire) Foster. And who can forget the use of the Jaws theme in the pool scene or Yello’s Oh Yeah during the late night room romp?

Dazed and Confused (1993)
Before they were BIGGER stars Ben Affleck, Matthew McConaughey, Adam Goldberg, Parker Posey, and Milla Jovovich all take a Slow Ride into the last day of school and into the night for a beer bash. It perfectly encapsulates the mid 70s with the music, the trends, and the fashion. Check ya later! Although toned down on television I find it hard to resist watching Ben Affleck get his comeuppance as O’Bannion the bastard.

Christmas Vacation (1989)
Out of all the “Vacation” movies, next to the original, this has to be the most successful if not funniest. I guess it’s cheating since it airs like clockwork every Christmas but how could I not enjoy repeated viewings of the true to life struggle of Clark W. Griswold to bring his family the hap-hap-happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny Effing Kaye? Hallelujah. Holy shit. Where’s the Tylenol?

The Wedding Singer (1998)
Say what you want about Adam Sandler’s credibility as an actor, but don’t deny that The Wedding Singer was a great rom-com of totally tubular proportions. Once again, capturing the 80s it boasts all the great things to poke fun at including Michael Jackson’s Beat It outfit, Journey’s "Don’t Stop Believin’" done by string orchestra, no less, VCRs, Billy Idol, and Culture Club. Round up Sandler’s usual troop of sidekicks and you got a wonderful trip down repeated viewing lane.

Aliens (1986)
Another awesome flick that finds itself among the Encore movie rotation, Aliens takes the shock and awe from the first film about one huge effing bug and multiplies the bad guy quota and includes a bad girl in the queen. Who hasn’t muttered the line, “Get away from her you bitch!” Hell, even Mrs. Weasley has a Ripley moment in Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows as Bellatrix LeStrange goes after her kids. James Cameron ratchets up the sci-fi and the action and gives us one of the coolest fight scenes between a power cargo loader and a queen alien ever filmed…bring the total number to one. This is another of the movies that belongs on the other list of I catch it at the same place every time.

TRON (1982)
Think of the low lit smoky arcades of the early 80s, the college campus pizzerias with their Donkey Kong and Pac Man games surrounded by geeks, the low tech Disney style special effects and you get one of the cult classics of all time. You also get a much anticipated sequel being released in 2010. Way ahead of its time for 1982 computer generated images, TRON used a blend of true CGI that only accounts for about 20 minutes of actual screen time. The backgrounds and landscapes were matte paintings and Moebius inspired artwork and the actors and other sets were filmed in black and white and then rotoscoped to have that neon technological feel. When the movie shows up on cable every once in awhile I feel compelled to veg out and wish for a light cycle for Christmas.

Back To School (1986)
If for no other reason to re-watch this film I say to you two words, William Zabka. Yes, John Lawrence from Karate Kid is the perfect 80s nemesis. So much so, he did it three times. Besides Back To School and Just One of the Guys, Zabka appears in the most respectable Rodney Dangerfield film of all as a rival college swimmer and boyfriend to be reckoned with, yet his bark becomes so much worse than his bite with BTS. However, Dangerfield makes up for it with his portrayal as a self made millionaire who wants to show his son that you need an education more than money in this world…although it helps when you can pay NASA to do your science homework and Kurt Vonnegut to write your English papers on who else but, Kurt Vonnegut. Throw in Oingo Boingo, Sam Kinison, M Emmet Walsh and the Triple Lindy and you have a film worthy of watching hundreds of times.

Forrest Gump (1994)
Tom Hanks took a lot of missteps in his career. The Man With One Red Shoe, The Money Pit and Bonfire of the Vanities are just a small taste of bad films he made…of which I still love two thirds of that selection. But after all those duds, Hanks emerged as a bonafide A-list actor with hits like Big, Philadelphia and of course Forrest Gump. You can argue that the history is a bigger draw than Hanks simple man with a simple mantra, “Life’s like a box of chocolates…” but he does pull off a performance that demands repeat viewings. Spanning close to four decades of U.S. History the film takes Gump from humble beginnings as a child strapped to metal braces all the way to his adult life as a man with an impressive business portfolio and equally impressive son, pre-The Sixth Sense, Haley Joel Osment. The soundtrack is a great slice of Americana and the ability to splice together present day performances with historical footage of events and people makes Forrest Gump a great movie that can be watched again and again.

Good Morning Vietnam (1987)
With only eight films, one of them being Popeye, and a cult television show under his belt, Robin Williams wasn’t known for his movie work as much as his comedy act and loud Hawaiian shirts. But the “based on a true story” turn as Adrian Cronauer, the Vietnam disc jockey who had trouble with authority, gave Williams much needed gravitas to balance the improvisational style that guided him into such films as Dead Poets Society, Mrs. Doubtfire and Good Will Hunting. The radio broadcasts, along with the soundtrack, make for a reason to watch over and over again as well as the attraction of looking into the underbelly of the Vietnam War as a hushed up source of misinformation to keep the public on the side of the Government’s interest in staying in the war.

Mrs. Doubtfire (1993)
Once again, you came for the funny and stayed for the family feel from Robin Williams in drag as Euphegenia Doubtfire, the uncanny nanny. Doubtfire is another, “Shh it’s a secret” movie, where the secret identity of Williams’ character sets up the plot and makes for some great comedy as he tries to juggle the ruse along with trying to reunite his broken family. I really should make that separate list because this is another “I always catch it at the same spot” film.

Big Trouble In Little China (1986)
It’s not the greatest movie in the world but it is a classic cult film from John Carpenter. Kurt Russell as Jack Burton adds a side dish of machismo to the main course of Lo Mein in this old world Chinese mythology tale of wizards and curses. The chopsocky fighting scenes are right up there with the 80s Kung Fu exploitation films and Russell’s wit and characterization as a carp out of water in the world of the world beneath the world of China Town gives Carpenter a one two punch on the repeated viewing scale. It’s all in the reflexes.

Halloween (1978)
Besides your annual dose of sugar induced coma from Halloween candy, get your thrills and chills on with the original bogeyman in Michael Myers. John Carpenter provides a simple premise. Jamie Lee Curtis provides the…lungs of a scream queen and Donald Pleasance provides the great misunderstood and not listened to siren of warning against a small town police force who refuse to believe that Michael Myers is on the prowl in Haddonfield. Even though you know who gets killed and how, it’s still a great film to re-watch with the lights off again and again. “You can’t kill the bogeyman.”

Pirates of the Carribean: Curse of the Black Pearl (2003)
It’s a gamble that probably shouldn’t have worked. A Disney film based on an amusement ride about pirates. A Disney film featuring skeletal pirates. A Disney film featuring Johnny Depp as pirate. The obvious connection of those statements is, of course, Disney Film. The underlying one is the whole pirate business. POTC went into the familiar waters of piracy that were screwed up royally by Cutthroat Island and Hook. A Disney movie about pirates looks about as entertaining as a Gilbert and Sullivan opera. Something clicked like the flint of a pistol or lock of a treasure chest. The film tapped into that childhood fantasy of scallywags and treasure chests and life on the open seas so well that no one minded that it was based on a theme park ride. Not too many movies can be so lucky. [read Country Bears and Tower of Tower] Throw into the mix that the studio had trouble buying into Johnny Depp’s Keith Richards Rapscallion combo and the film had all the makings of a huge sinking ship. But it didn’t. It became a huge hit, re launched Depp’s stardom outside of a Tim Burton film and made piracy fun again as long as it wasn’t at the expense of the RIAA. The fact that the film boasts exotic locations, dark themes of undead pirates marauding the Caribbean coast, and a bit of violence not usually found in a Disney film carry the original into two blockbuster sequels, an online game, console games, a revamped amusement ride and third possible sequel means that the original is a force to be reviewed over and over.

Lethal Weapon (1987)
Mel Gibson has made a ton of movies But besides his Mad Max series, one other set of films made him into a household name in the states and that was the Lethal Weapon series. The buddy flick franchise was a huge success launching Gibson’s celebrity cred into the stratosphere. As Martin Riggs, Gibson had that same John McClane quality in that he was a cop that didn’t always play by the rules and was prone to being a little vocal during his fights. The original is still the best and is probably one of the last times you’ll see Gary Busey before he went completely nuts. Repeated viewings are a must for me as I can never get enough “I’m too old for this shit” gruff from Danny Glover and have always wanted to find a reason to say, “Hit em again, Endo!”

Real Genius (1985)
For me, college wasn’t exactly like it was portrayed on film. I didn’t have Val Kilmer for a roommate. There was no weird man living in my closet. I also did not work on some secret government laser project that was a perfect way to cook popcorn. I must have chosen the wrong major. Still, I can’t help but drop the remote every time this film comes on. Resident prick William Atherton brings his Leprechaun looks to Dr. Hathaway and Michelle Meyrink (We miss you on screen) provides just enough quirky weirdness to be kind of hot as Jordan. We are left to admire her modern day replacement in Melanie Lynskey. And even though Val Kilmer was the supposed heart throb moving onto Top Gun and Batman Forever, Gabe Jarret definitely grew out of his geeky phase and became a good looking adult. Though a sequel has been bandied about like a catnip laced toy for us to chew on, nothing takes the place of the original in terms of repeated viewings. It is a moral imperative to watch it over and over.

WarGames (1983)
Those of us who grew up in the stretching shadow of the Cold War and computer technology recognize WarGames as being both highly improbable and scarily plausible. To think how many times we may have came close to nuclear war is unthinkable and probably highly classified. Yet as archaic as the technology is, specifically the phone modem and Joshua’s digitized voice, the elements of tension are still there and Matthew Broderick brings that so-smart-he-could-be-dangerous-if-he-wasn’t-so-impishly-cute-and-innocent persona to screen so well, you want to go ahead and let him accidentally start World War III. Shall we play a game? Sure, repeatedly.

The Lost Boys (1987)
Forget Twilight, everyone wanted to be Kiefer Sutherland’s vampire in the 80s. It’s just so sad that they had to have a Corey based sequel that did a huge disservice to the original. One of the few movies Joel Schumacher didn’t royally bone when he made it, The Lost Boys provides that quintessential 80s blend of bad boys and….alas Coreys. A great soundtrack featuring Foreigner front man Lou Gramm’s “Lost in the Shadows”, INXS’ “Good Times”, and yet again, Roger Daltrey remaking Elton John’s “Don’t Let The Sun Go Down On Me” only serves as great side cars to Gerard McMann’s “Cry Little Sister” with its children’s choir rendition of a pseudo set of commandments done A cappella as Kiefer gets impaled on a set of Grandpa’s antlers.

A Christmas Story (1983)
You cannot compile a list of the movies you could watch over and over and not mention the annual classic, A Christmas Story. Why? Because it gets played for 24 straight hours on Christmas Day. Over the past few years I’ve managed to get a complete viewing in by strategically watching parts through the 24 hour period. Usually, I will make the effort to sit and watch it in its entirety at least once. I do own the DVD but there is something about catching it on television on Christmas that makes it all the more special. Next to A Charlie Brown Christmas and It’s a Wonderful Life (Which regrettably got left off of this list due to a 20 film limit), it is probably one the most repeatedly watched holiday movies abound. If you miss it, you deserve to shoot your eye out.

Honorable mention
Apart from not being able to list It’s a Wonderful Life as a favorite movie I love to watch over and over, I was remiss in including only a single John Hughes Film in this list. That’s because it would have comprised a majority of it had I given into temptation. Let’s just say that his films deserve multiple viewings, multiple quoting, and multiple reverence as a dedication to a man we lost in 2009, though he’d been absent from the scene for years.

Best Zombie Films of All Time

Another day another list. This time, Entertainment Weekly lists their 25 Best Zombie Films of all Time. Groans and cheers filled the comments section and I, for one, find very little tastiness in what they offered. Here is the list they gave.

25 Planet Terror
24 Diary of the Dead
23 Land of the Dead
22 Zombie Flesh Eaters
21 Night Of the Living Dead (1990)
20 Resident Evil Extinction
19 Pontypool
18 Braindead
17 Homecoming
16 Dead Snow
15 I walked with a zombie
14 Undead
13 Serpent and the rainbow
12 Dead Set
11 Omega Man
10 Return of the Living Dead
9 Re-Animator
8 Day of the Dead
7 Cemetery Man
6 REC
5 Night Of the Living Dead (1968)
4 Dawn of the Dead (1978)
3 Shaun of the Dead
2 28 Days Later
1 Dawn of the Dead (2004)

Despicable, isn’t it? Apparently, someone doesn’t understand what constitutes a zombie movie, let alone, a good one. Throughout the article the author states, “I know this is not technically a zombie film” and such but I have a simple reply, “Take it off the list.” For instance, The Omega Man is about vampires or at least apocalyptic viral vampirism. Dead Set is a television show, not a film. The gripes could go on and on. Now, I want to reorder that list, omitting and substituting some of the selections. I managed to do it in a list of only 15 with one honorable mention.

1. Dawn of the Dead (1978)
The original is the best, not the remake. I’ll give it some props when I come to it, but as far as zombie films go, you have to tip the skull cap to Romero. The feeling of despair and dread of living in a world gone mad is only heightened by the fact that in the zombie genre, simple mistakes lead to catastrophe. A complete breakdown in society and civil infrastructure is a huge element to modern zombie films. Not just flesh eating dead people.

2. Night of the Living Dead (1968)
The predecessor to the modern day zombie movie can be summed up in one line, “They’re coming to get you Barbara.” Maybe it’s my proximity to the locations. I’ve been to Evans City Cemetery. Maybe it’s the nostalgia of being close to a big part of pop culture history. Whatever the reason, taking a group of people, trapping them in a small and easily penetrable shelter, and letting them turn on each other is great commentary on society.

3. Shaun of the Dead
Beyond the fact that it’s almost a spoof of the zombie genre right down to its title, SOTD deserves high marks for nailing the genre with its parallels of “Walking through life like a zombie” and making key decisions in bad situations and dealing with the consequences. Also, what to do when your mum becomes infected and doesn’t tell you. Not to mention it’s effing hysterical.

4. Thriller
WTF?!?!? (Internet Slang quota reached) You’re asking yourself, “Why is a music video on a list of films?” Well, I’ll tell you. Because, technically, it is a film, in short form. Also, it was eligible for an Academy Award. Now, I won’t say that it was eligible for a Best Picture Award because it was less than 40 minutes long. However, because it was featured with a special presentation of Fantasia, it was given eligibility by the MPAA for an Academy Award. That being said, you cannot argue that Thriller was not a great zombie film. Better than at least four of the ones on EW’s list. You have creepy corpses, rising from the grave. You have a damsel in distress. You have veteran horror film actor Vincent Price providing the “Thriller Rap.” Not to mention, you have a zombie dance number that was kick ass. Now, I’ve already been told that this isn’t a film by a trusted friend and while I respect their judgment and counsel, I maintain my position.

5. White Zombie
A classic starring Bela Lugosi. Though it did not earn a lot of street cred, or money, at the box office it stands as one of the original zombie movies, vodou not flesh eater.

6. Serpent and the Rainbow
True to the actual definition of the word zombie, SATR is not about flesh eating corpses but control, power, and vodou. While the author of the book for which the film was based on felt very displeased with the adaptation, the film still gives me shivers with its imagery and one specific scene involving a hammer, a spike and a naked man.

7. Planet Terror
If for anything else, Robert Rodriguez knows how to have fun with goo. Part of the Grindhouse double feature, Planet Terror boasts an all star cast including Bruce Willis, Josh Brolin, Rose McGowan with a machine gun for a leg, Michael Biehn, and Fergie…go figure. Gooey Zombies, bodily fluids, missing reels, and a really bad dog puppet that gets splattered on the road all provide the typical exploitive feel of a cheap drive in horror fest you’d find from the 70s. Taking those elements and using 21st century filming techniques compliments a rollicking good flick.

8. Day of the Dead
The film I consider the end of the Dead series started by Romero continues the story with scientists and military soldiers trying to coexist in a confined space. While one of the scientist domesticates a zombie called Bud, tensions ramp up as each group acts upon orders from the government which may or may not still be in control of the country as the zombie apocalypse has wiped out most of humanity. Like most zombie genre films, communication breakdowns lead to warring from within and ultimately destruction from the zombie at the door.

9. Return of the Living Dead
The Tar Man, Trash’s Cemetery Dance, the zombie who says, ”Send more cops” give the film that acknowledges NOTLD as a real event but not a prequel a great feel. Though somewhat of a comedic take on the zombie genre, ROTLD amps up the tension by changing the rules. Zombies crave brains, have intelligence and cannot be killed, again, by a shot to the head.

10. Night of the Living Dead (1990)
Remakes are always a touchy subject for me. There have been several bad remakes or unofficial sequels to Romero’s work including the original NOTLD which was made into a 3D version in 2006 and it was pretty, pretty awful. However, the 1990 version directed by Tom Savini is just as good as the original and offers a different take on the fates of certain characters. In this version Barbara is not catatonic and as useless as in the original and actually survives the night after fleeing the house. Ben, played by Tony Todd (Candyman, Final Destination) is shot and wounded by Henry Cooper and hides in the basement as did the original Ben, but instead of emerging unturned and being mistakenly shot by police, he does become a zombie and is killed. Henry Cooper, who was killed by his daughter in the original, manages to survive, abandoning the others and hiding in the attic after being shot by Ben. The next morning when Barbara returns to the house to look for Ben she finds Harry alive relieved that she “Came Back” for him. She shoots him for his cowardice and says, “Another one for the fire.” The final images of the film carry the message of how we have become a monster all our own and have begun torturing the undead for sport and pleasure. This is a theme not explored in the original.

11. Braindead
Before King Kong and The Lord of the Rings Trilogy, Peter Jackson made some pretty wicked horror films including this one which was re-titled Dead Alive in North America. The premise is simple. Man attempts to smuggle evil weird creature into civilization, creature bites someone’s mother who becomes a zombie, that someone’s family member refuses to dispatch them, more zombies, more death, including death by lawn mower. It’s a splatter fest that still tops lists as the goriest movie ever.

12. Resident Evil
Based on what is considered the best Zombie Survival Horror Video Game Series, Resident Evil is an adaptation that actually works on certain levels as a good adaptation and good zombie film. The good: The theme of the Umbrella company developing a virus that eventually gets released turning employees and the residents of Raccoon City into zombies.Using elements of the game such as the Red Queen, The Super Train, The Lickers, S.T.A.R.S.,Traps like the laser grid that slices up members of the team.Cool zombies with cool moves and kills. Zombie dogs like the gameThe bad:Not a lot of congruity between game and film.Too much difference in the locations vs. the gameNot enough zombie threat. Granted, the game only has zombies in the first part, after that it’s all Bio Engineered Animals/Plants/Insects and mutated zombies.


13. Dawn of the Dead (2004)
Again, remakes and sequels have a tendency to be really bad. This one is not as good as the original but does earn some cred for including a cover of Down With the Sickness by Richard Cheese and Johnny Cash’s The Man Comes Around in the opening credits. The best parts of the movie are pure zombie genre goodies. Ana fleeing her husband who abandons his pursuit to attack a robe clad neighbor on his lawn.Aerial shot of Ana driving from town as mass hysteria ensues including a car crashing through an intersection into a gas station and exploding.The death and reanimation of Frank (Matt Frewer) is a classic archetype moment of despair and dread being experienced by his daughter.The A-Team Bus ShuttlesThe crash and dismemberment of half the team while escaping.

14. Re-Animator
Cult classic status aside, this is an adaptation of H.P. Lovecraft’s work “Herbert West-Reanimator.” The tale imagines zombies as a kind of Romero/Vodou hybrid. They are willing servants to a master but are violent and in some cases cannibalistic. The movie adaptation spawned two sequels which work to adapt some of the beginning and end of Lovecraft’s serialization. Jeffrey Combs is the main character but scream queen Barbara Crampton makes an appearance as the daughter of the dean of Myskatonic University who gets molested by a zombie.

15. Night of the Creeps
Tom Atkins, known, mainly in his native Pittsburgh, for his expert portrayal of Art Rooney in the stage production of “The Chief” is also known for his role in Halloween III: Season of the Witch, the horrible entry into the Halloween franchise. Here he is a cop trying to destroy slug like alien creatures that have infected and possessed humans, turning them into zombies. It’s campy, it’s 80s, it has one the funniest exchanges in dialogue, ever. “I got good news and bad news, girls. The good news is your dates are here.” “What’s the bad news?” “They’re dead.”

Honorable Mention
Cemetary Man aka Dellamorte Dellamore
This one has been making the rounds on Encore and other cable movie stations. At first I couldn't make heads or tails of what was going as my wife was sucked into this tale, but after watching again, I started to appreciate the commentary that the film follows. Rupert Everett is the titular character, dispatching zombies as they rise out of graveyard along with his mentally handicapped assistant, who begins a love affair with a reanimated head. Everett's Francesco Delleamorte carries out his job like so many of us in this world. "This is my business. They pay me for it." he laments as he blows away a resurrected biker who springs forth from the grave on his bike. The grim reaper also appears, as an over sized puppet, trying to recruit Dellamorte as a fellow reaper. It grows on you like only an Italian film can.

The Greatest Down-and-Out-on-Christmas-Song

Recently Entertainment Weekly ran an article entitled Bah, Humbug: The 100 Greatest Down-and-Out-on- Christmas Songs. Their list placed “Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas” at the top of the list. Take into consideration that they cited the original soundtrack version from 1944’s Meet Me in St. Louis as the reason. Before a rewrite, the lyrics to the song contained the lines "Have yourself a merry little Christmas / It may be your last / Next year we may all be living in the past" and "Faithful friends who were dear to us / Will be near to us no more". I guess that makes sense in terms of depressing, but since those weren’t on the final cut of the song, I say, “Phooey” on you. Going through the list there is an understandable overload of Country Songs which in my mind is like having Mariah Carey compete against William Hung for American Idol. The playing field is far from level in that battle. That being said, I can agree with most of the songs…at least the ones I know. I do however take exception with the following.

No “Christmas Shoes” Listed.
This has been pointed out in every other comment listed under the article, online. This song is truly depressing. A little boy scrapes together enough money to buy his dying Mother a new pair of shoes for Christmas in case she should meet Jesus, tonight. I mean, come on, I’m tearing up just typing that last sentence. This particular song is on the DNP (Do Not Play) list in my life. If I’m driving down the road, holding a scolding cup of coffee in one hand and a map in the steering wheel in the other, I will either gladly crash the car or burn myself just to switch stations. My wife, who is a glutton for punishment, has to listen to this song, even though it depresses her. The fact that EW neglects to even list this song in the bottom half of the list means one of two things, the author, either never heard of the song, which I find hard to believe, or they have mentally blocked it out altogether.

“Same Old Lang Syne” at a measly 26.
At 26, it is hard to fathom that 25 other songs…besides country ones, were more depressing than the story of two old lovers who find themselves years later in a grocery store on Christmas Eve. Both have led comfortable but unfulfilled lives since their departure at school. The sustained silence between them lasts forever, or at least longer than a six pack and they can't find any more common ground like the memories of Auld Lang Syne. Soon they realize they have nothing more to say and they part ways as the snow turns to rain.

Now that’s depressing. Not only are they living hollow, albeit successful, lives, the years have transformed them so much that not even memories are enough to sustain a conversation outside of six beers. Leave it to Dan Fogelberg to pull off that one...from a real life experience, no less.

The Most Depressing Christmas Song Isn't Even Listed.
While not everyone will agree with my choice, I suggested that there was another song missing from the list. A song of childhood dreams unknowingly smashed to pieces. Among the broken shards are the security of a marriage flung aside by the outright betrayal of a mother, who dares to bring her infidelities home on Christmas. Her child sees the act, not fully grasping the implications of such a heinous crime to their happy home. Then, when it appears that maybe there has been mistake and the sacred vows of matrimony are spared, they are replaced with the realization that everything a child holds dear at Christmas is a huge fat lie. I’m of course speaking of “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus.”

Let’s examine the evidence….The child in the song has snuck downstairs to catch a glimpse of the elusive St. Nick, only to discover him necking with his mother underneath the mistletoe. Unaware of the audience, who knows how far the act will continue. Santa might even unpack his Yule log. The child, clearly oblivious to this desecration, find it humorous to imagine his Father walking in on the act. Could you imagine the devastation in the child’s eyes were he to see a furious Father walking in and dispatching Santa with his 12 gauge? Ghastly! Then and only then is the listener entreated to the secret that it’s really Santa underneath that beard all snowy white. You want to ensure that you child remains in therapy well into his adult years? It’s bad enough that he’s spying on what could be considered adultery. But what happens if he were to question it? “Hey, Daddy. I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.” “Oh, well, that’s ok.” Dad, doesn’t realize that he’s just instilled the idea that it’s ok to kiss men, other than a spouse or significant other, passionately. Just think, in 20 years, you’re son or daughter could be relying on these lessons to explain away their own acts of infidelity. Lastly, if you choose to let your little one in on the ruse that you were the jolly old St. Nick, you’ve now blown their little imaginations to shreds. “So, if you were Santa Claus, that means…there is no real Santa Claus?” or “My Daddy is Santa, be nice to me or you’ll get a lump of coal next year.” In any case, the only thing you’ll be stuffing into their stocking is Prozac. That is down and out, depressing. Get that kid a leather couch.