Now in Stereotypical Where Available

I recalled a great story told to me a few years back and I have to share it.   It’s all about language barriers and international travel.   This was told to me by one of the product marketing managers from my previous place of employment.   She was on a business trip in South Korea, meeting with sales reps, and they treated her to a night on the town.  I’ve done my best to recreate this from memory… it’s about five years old… of course, some dramatic license will be taken but the premise is intact.

After a long day of interacting with the sales force and their customers, they all decided to go to a restaurant for a later dinner.  It was a typical place in South Korea, not an Applebee’s or something internationally known.   The place looked a bit dated, but the food was great.  

Knowing that there was going to be a long flight back to the states, they decided to live it up a little and seek some post dinner entertainment.   One of the customers told the reps that this place had a private room that would be perfect.   He went and talked with the wait staff, none of which spoke English.   When he came back, he told the reps, who were bilingual, all about it.   This excited the reps but bewildered the product manager, dumbfounded by the lack of translation.  

They finished up their dinner and a very large man, almost bouncer looking, arrived at their table to escort the party to the private room.  He led them through the kitchen where various cooks and wait staff threw shifty glances.   At the back of the kitchen there was a large metal door.   It creaked open to reveal a dark staircase leading down into the bowels of the restaurant.    Once there, the only light source was the flickering of the fluorescent bulbs.  The poorly kept small tile floor looked like something out of a New York City tenement; missing small pieces of tile every so many feet.   The blackened walls looked as if they were once rich mahogany but had been painted over with thick coats of death.   At end of the hallway there was a door which opened into a single room.    It looked like a boardroom from hell or something out of the first Saw movie.   The same dilapidated flooring and poor lighting extended into the room, which almost cast a sort of blue glow.    There was a large rectangular table in the center of the room with swivel chairs around it.   On the other side, opposite the entrance, another, smaller door sat.

After the group got seated, the secondary door opened and two employees wheeled in a large boxy item on a dolly; electrical cords securing it to the greasy sides of the dolly.     The product manager began to sweat a little.    The scene was very quiet with some chattering of Korean between the staff.  Her focus went onto watching the staff hook up the box.  In international settings, electrical outlets and plugs do not resemble American ones so whatever this hulking black thing was, it looked menacing as it was being plugged into the wall.  

Immediate thoughts were that this was some sort of acetylene torch.  “OH MY GOD!”  She thought.   “It’s that scene out of Hostel.  They’re going to burn out my eyeballs!”   A second later the staff returned with a video camera and an evil looking black case, the size of a pistol.    No explanation for what was going on at this point, just the devices being brought in for what looks to be a videotaped torture.  “This is where I have to denounce the West and my family gets to see my death on YouTube, I just know it.” 

One of the customers, dressed in a sharp business suit, walked over to the AV cart that had been wheeled in and flipped the monitor on.  It remained black for the moment.  He adjusted the camera and began to play with the weapon case.   He opened it and removed a long barreled object, just obscured by the case lid.  “Oh, Jesus!  This is it.”   He pushed record on the camera and walked over to attach the unseen weapon to the black box on the dolly.  

There was a distinct hum.  

More sweat rolled down the back of product manager’s neck.  No one produced any kind of emotion other than stern focus on what was taking place.

Everything just screamed "run" in her mind.   Hopefully, she could make the stairs and be in public view before they tackled her and dragged her back into this death room.  

The customer flipped some switches and more lights flickered on the black box.   He walked over, his back to the table,  and stared at the camera, in view of the monitor, which was still blackened.  Suddenly, noise erupted from the dolly.  

Then, he began…

“At first, I was afraid, I was petrified…”

"What?" She thought.

“Kept thinking I could never live without you by my side.”

"Wait a minute?"

Still going, he walked over, flipped one more switch, and the monitor produced a teleprompter of sorts, displaying the rest of the lyrics to Gloria Gaynor’s song.

Smiles and head nods broke across the rest of the room.

Karaoke?

Staff wandered in with trays and drinks, placing down fresh glasses at each place setting.

KARAOKE!?!?!?

This became a top five story moment in my life.  I loved the suspense of it. 

Finally, a Zombie Television Series: The Walking Dead Adapted On AMC

I think I may have mentioned once or twice, perhaps five times that I think a television series based around a zombie apocalypse would be a fantastic idea. Maybe it was a hundred times. Anyway, it appears that my geek fan boy fantasy has finally become a reality. The hit comic book Walking Dead will be made into a television show with

AMC, which has fast emerged as a top notch channel for dramas like Mad Men and Breaking Bad, plans to air the show in 2010, according to IMDB. Now, I have never read the comic but just what I've picked up from the site and other areas online it follows my thoughts about how to portray a zombie outbreak over a period of time. Instead of just Normal Life / Outbreak / Death / Struggle / Death / Credits the series will follow the complete breakdown of society and the struggles of the characters to gather together and survive the aftermath and how that affects certain people's moral compass.

More interesting is that Frank Darabont is involved. He has a storied career including The Shawshank Redemption as well as some horror roots in Nightmare on Elm Street 3 and The Blob remake.

I haven't been a big fan of AMC in the past, mainly because of the diluted offerings of movies they carry while still maintaining the name American Movie Classics. As an additional pet peeve, I really get miffed that they don't close caption a lot of their content which any father can tell you is essential when you are trying to watch a show and you have little ones are sleeping or napping, nearby. I spend about 85% of my television viewing time reading captions because I have to keep the volume low.

Still, I am voraciously looking forward to seeing them pull this off on the small screen and will have my strained DVR ready to record for Live+7 viewing. I am also glad that the show was picked up by a cable network instead of the Big three or Medium 4, if you choose to include Fox. I'm sure Fox already passed on this show because they didn't have any other available time slots on Fridays to dump it like every other good show. From what I gather from an interview with the author, NBC almost had it and we've seen what happened to another "comic book" style show after its first season. We've also seen what they've done to their schedule. Having this show on television and on a major network would be a slow and painful death as it would have to be aired at ten o'clock which runs into Leno's show. I'm seeing a pattern of death here. Not to mention a show of this nature would be extremely sanitized of all content necessary for a gritty, post apocalyptic show about flesh eating living dead attackers.

So, kudos to cable for being a creative safe haven for great shows. Boo to the big networks for bowing to the sponsors and giving the audience a big old middle finger to bite off and chew. I may have to start reading the comic as research. That will be the official reason for me to be reading a comic book I'll have you know.

The First Halloween *

“That house has its porch light turned on. Go ahead, Billy.” The young boy, dressed as a clown, approached the old house looking for a treat. As he walked he flopped his big shoes towards the front porch. He had remembered the rules his mother told him about trick or treating. If there are no lights lit, don’t go to that house and don’t eat any candy before you get home so that we can check it out. This was his first time trick or treating and Billy replayed those rules in his head as he walked. He also remembered his mother telling him that she would stand at the end of the yard, watching him. She wouldn’t let anything happen to him, she said. Feeling somewhat comforted by this, Billy continued to increase the distance between him and his mother.

It was only a few steps up to the door of the house. On the front porch he could see a chair which was being occupied by what resembled a scarecrow. It was a makeshift man made of straw wearing a flannel shirt and jeans. The buttons on the clothes strained to contain the straw which had been overstuffed into the garments. A brown bag, also stuffed with straw had a face scribbled on it with black magic marker. Billy thought the scarecrow looked silly and unreal and he chuckled a bit at its appearance. He looked back to make sure his Mother was still standing at the end of the walk, ready to run to his rescue. She waved at him and motioned for him to continue towards the door.

Billy topped the steps and saw that a bowl of candy sat on the porch, unattended. He looked towards the house and saw that the front door was open wide. He could see people moving around inside of the house and thought that maybe they had left their post briefly to fetch more candy or something else inside. He didn’t want to exhibit bad trick or treating etiquette by just taking a candy bar from the bowl and leaving. He wanted to ring the doorbell and show off his costume. He wanted to be proud of his clown get up and be paid for his cuteness in candy.

As Billy reached his tiny index finger out towards the doorbell, he never noticed the shape moving towards him. He only heard the sound of rustling straw and the stretching of nylon material on a creaky metal lawn chair. Immediately, to his right, the overstuffed straw man in the chair reached towards him and moaned a God awful sound that could only mean that he intended to eat the little boy. The silly face, scribbled with marker suddenly looked like it had sharp teeth and piercing eyes. Eyes that pierced into Billy’s being looking to suck the marrow of his soul.

The exchange took less than two seconds but Billy felt as if he was held captive on that porch for hours. Where was his mother? Why hadn’t she raced up the side walk to bludgeon this evil being with her handbag? Finally, the shock of seeing this seemingly seven foot tall scarecrow lunging at him wore off and Billy’s gelatinous legs solidified with a single purpose, run as far away from this monster as fast as possible. Billy tore off down the steps and up the sidewalk, his huge shoes flapping as if he would soon take flight. He raced towards the street where his mother stood looking at him. He could feel the arms of the scarecrow cutting through the air, continually trying to grasp at his neck, the foul hot breath of hell bearing down on his ears with the rotten smell of brimstone all around him. He dared not look back at his aggressor and shut his eyes and ran faster. At last he had escaped the clutches of the monster on the porch and took refuge behind the polyester pant legs of his mother.

A few minutes later, another young boy came trotting down the same street towards the house. On his way, he passed a mother consoling a little crying clown and he thought “Who dresses their child as Canio?” As he reached the top of the porch he could hear the elevated voices inside the house. Opening the front door, he made his way into the kitchen where a brown bag, stuffed with straw and sporting a silly face sat on the kitchen table as a teenager, a few feet away wearing the rest of the scarecrow costume explained himself to his mother. “Honestly, I never touched the kid.” He said, throwing his straw stuffed arms in the air.

“What happened?” The young boy asked his older brother.

“I dozed off for a minute on the porch. Some kid in a clown costume rang the doorbell and woke me up. When I reached into the bowl and asked if he wanted a candy bar, he freaked out and ran away, screaming. I could hear him crying all the way up the street.”

That was the last time my brother ever dressed up as a scarecrow and gave out candy on Halloween.






* This tale is based on an actual event that occurred when I was a kid. My brother thought it would have been fun to dress up like a scarecrow and pass out candy to trick or treaters. Although, the exchange and dialogue has been altered for dramatic effect, a kid did in fact approach come to our house for candy and was subsequently scared by the sudden movement of what was thought to be an inaminate object sitting in the chair next to him on the porch. I was out trick or treating at the time but heard the scream and saw the kid sobbing as he walked up the street, minutes later.

Best Zombie Films of All Time

Another day another list. This time, Entertainment Weekly lists their 25 Best Zombie Films of all Time. Groans and cheers filled the comments section and I, for one, find very little tastiness in what they offered. Here is the list they gave.

25 Planet Terror
24 Diary of the Dead
23 Land of the Dead
22 Zombie Flesh Eaters
21 Night Of the Living Dead (1990)
20 Resident Evil Extinction
19 Pontypool
18 Braindead
17 Homecoming
16 Dead Snow
15 I walked with a zombie
14 Undead
13 Serpent and the rainbow
12 Dead Set
11 Omega Man
10 Return of the Living Dead
9 Re-Animator
8 Day of the Dead
7 Cemetery Man
6 REC
5 Night Of the Living Dead (1968)
4 Dawn of the Dead (1978)
3 Shaun of the Dead
2 28 Days Later
1 Dawn of the Dead (2004)

Despicable, isn’t it? Apparently, someone doesn’t understand what constitutes a zombie movie, let alone, a good one. Throughout the article the author states, “I know this is not technically a zombie film” and such but I have a simple reply, “Take it off the list.” For instance, The Omega Man is about vampires or at least apocalyptic viral vampirism. Dead Set is a television show, not a film. The gripes could go on and on. Now, I want to reorder that list, omitting and substituting some of the selections. I managed to do it in a list of only 15 with one honorable mention.

1. Dawn of the Dead (1978)
The original is the best, not the remake. I’ll give it some props when I come to it, but as far as zombie films go, you have to tip the skull cap to Romero. The feeling of despair and dread of living in a world gone mad is only heightened by the fact that in the zombie genre, simple mistakes lead to catastrophe. A complete breakdown in society and civil infrastructure is a huge element to modern zombie films. Not just flesh eating dead people.

2. Night of the Living Dead (1968)
The predecessor to the modern day zombie movie can be summed up in one line, “They’re coming to get you Barbara.” Maybe it’s my proximity to the locations. I’ve been to Evans City Cemetery. Maybe it’s the nostalgia of being close to a big part of pop culture history. Whatever the reason, taking a group of people, trapping them in a small and easily penetrable shelter, and letting them turn on each other is great commentary on society.

3. Shaun of the Dead
Beyond the fact that it’s almost a spoof of the zombie genre right down to its title, SOTD deserves high marks for nailing the genre with its parallels of “Walking through life like a zombie” and making key decisions in bad situations and dealing with the consequences. Also, what to do when your mum becomes infected and doesn’t tell you. Not to mention it’s effing hysterical.

4. Thriller
WTF?!?!? (Internet Slang quota reached) You’re asking yourself, “Why is a music video on a list of films?” Well, I’ll tell you. Because, technically, it is a film, in short form. Also, it was eligible for an Academy Award. Now, I won’t say that it was eligible for a Best Picture Award because it was less than 40 minutes long. However, because it was featured with a special presentation of Fantasia, it was given eligibility by the MPAA for an Academy Award. That being said, you cannot argue that Thriller was not a great zombie film. Better than at least four of the ones on EW’s list. You have creepy corpses, rising from the grave. You have a damsel in distress. You have veteran horror film actor Vincent Price providing the “Thriller Rap.” Not to mention, you have a zombie dance number that was kick ass. Now, I’ve already been told that this isn’t a film by a trusted friend and while I respect their judgment and counsel, I maintain my position.

5. White Zombie
A classic starring Bela Lugosi. Though it did not earn a lot of street cred, or money, at the box office it stands as one of the original zombie movies, vodou not flesh eater.

6. Serpent and the Rainbow
True to the actual definition of the word zombie, SATR is not about flesh eating corpses but control, power, and vodou. While the author of the book for which the film was based on felt very displeased with the adaptation, the film still gives me shivers with its imagery and one specific scene involving a hammer, a spike and a naked man.

7. Planet Terror
If for anything else, Robert Rodriguez knows how to have fun with goo. Part of the Grindhouse double feature, Planet Terror boasts an all star cast including Bruce Willis, Josh Brolin, Rose McGowan with a machine gun for a leg, Michael Biehn, and Fergie…go figure. Gooey Zombies, bodily fluids, missing reels, and a really bad dog puppet that gets splattered on the road all provide the typical exploitive feel of a cheap drive in horror fest you’d find from the 70s. Taking those elements and using 21st century filming techniques compliments a rollicking good flick.

8. Day of the Dead
The film I consider the end of the Dead series started by Romero continues the story with scientists and military soldiers trying to coexist in a confined space. While one of the scientist domesticates a zombie called Bud, tensions ramp up as each group acts upon orders from the government which may or may not still be in control of the country as the zombie apocalypse has wiped out most of humanity. Like most zombie genre films, communication breakdowns lead to warring from within and ultimately destruction from the zombie at the door.

9. Return of the Living Dead
The Tar Man, Trash’s Cemetery Dance, the zombie who says, ”Send more cops” give the film that acknowledges NOTLD as a real event but not a prequel a great feel. Though somewhat of a comedic take on the zombie genre, ROTLD amps up the tension by changing the rules. Zombies crave brains, have intelligence and cannot be killed, again, by a shot to the head.

10. Night of the Living Dead (1990)
Remakes are always a touchy subject for me. There have been several bad remakes or unofficial sequels to Romero’s work including the original NOTLD which was made into a 3D version in 2006 and it was pretty, pretty awful. However, the 1990 version directed by Tom Savini is just as good as the original and offers a different take on the fates of certain characters. In this version Barbara is not catatonic and as useless as in the original and actually survives the night after fleeing the house. Ben, played by Tony Todd (Candyman, Final Destination) is shot and wounded by Henry Cooper and hides in the basement as did the original Ben, but instead of emerging unturned and being mistakenly shot by police, he does become a zombie and is killed. Henry Cooper, who was killed by his daughter in the original, manages to survive, abandoning the others and hiding in the attic after being shot by Ben. The next morning when Barbara returns to the house to look for Ben she finds Harry alive relieved that she “Came Back” for him. She shoots him for his cowardice and says, “Another one for the fire.” The final images of the film carry the message of how we have become a monster all our own and have begun torturing the undead for sport and pleasure. This is a theme not explored in the original.

11. Braindead
Before King Kong and The Lord of the Rings Trilogy, Peter Jackson made some pretty wicked horror films including this one which was re-titled Dead Alive in North America. The premise is simple. Man attempts to smuggle evil weird creature into civilization, creature bites someone’s mother who becomes a zombie, that someone’s family member refuses to dispatch them, more zombies, more death, including death by lawn mower. It’s a splatter fest that still tops lists as the goriest movie ever.

12. Resident Evil
Based on what is considered the best Zombie Survival Horror Video Game Series, Resident Evil is an adaptation that actually works on certain levels as a good adaptation and good zombie film. The good: The theme of the Umbrella company developing a virus that eventually gets released turning employees and the residents of Raccoon City into zombies.Using elements of the game such as the Red Queen, The Super Train, The Lickers, S.T.A.R.S.,Traps like the laser grid that slices up members of the team.Cool zombies with cool moves and kills. Zombie dogs like the gameThe bad:Not a lot of congruity between game and film.Too much difference in the locations vs. the gameNot enough zombie threat. Granted, the game only has zombies in the first part, after that it’s all Bio Engineered Animals/Plants/Insects and mutated zombies.


13. Dawn of the Dead (2004)
Again, remakes and sequels have a tendency to be really bad. This one is not as good as the original but does earn some cred for including a cover of Down With the Sickness by Richard Cheese and Johnny Cash’s The Man Comes Around in the opening credits. The best parts of the movie are pure zombie genre goodies. Ana fleeing her husband who abandons his pursuit to attack a robe clad neighbor on his lawn.Aerial shot of Ana driving from town as mass hysteria ensues including a car crashing through an intersection into a gas station and exploding.The death and reanimation of Frank (Matt Frewer) is a classic archetype moment of despair and dread being experienced by his daughter.The A-Team Bus ShuttlesThe crash and dismemberment of half the team while escaping.

14. Re-Animator
Cult classic status aside, this is an adaptation of H.P. Lovecraft’s work “Herbert West-Reanimator.” The tale imagines zombies as a kind of Romero/Vodou hybrid. They are willing servants to a master but are violent and in some cases cannibalistic. The movie adaptation spawned two sequels which work to adapt some of the beginning and end of Lovecraft’s serialization. Jeffrey Combs is the main character but scream queen Barbara Crampton makes an appearance as the daughter of the dean of Myskatonic University who gets molested by a zombie.

15. Night of the Creeps
Tom Atkins, known, mainly in his native Pittsburgh, for his expert portrayal of Art Rooney in the stage production of “The Chief” is also known for his role in Halloween III: Season of the Witch, the horrible entry into the Halloween franchise. Here he is a cop trying to destroy slug like alien creatures that have infected and possessed humans, turning them into zombies. It’s campy, it’s 80s, it has one the funniest exchanges in dialogue, ever. “I got good news and bad news, girls. The good news is your dates are here.” “What’s the bad news?” “They’re dead.”

Honorable Mention
Cemetary Man aka Dellamorte Dellamore
This one has been making the rounds on Encore and other cable movie stations. At first I couldn't make heads or tails of what was going as my wife was sucked into this tale, but after watching again, I started to appreciate the commentary that the film follows. Rupert Everett is the titular character, dispatching zombies as they rise out of graveyard along with his mentally handicapped assistant, who begins a love affair with a reanimated head. Everett's Francesco Delleamorte carries out his job like so many of us in this world. "This is my business. They pay me for it." he laments as he blows away a resurrected biker who springs forth from the grave on his bike. The grim reaper also appears, as an over sized puppet, trying to recruit Dellamorte as a fellow reaper. It grows on you like only an Italian film can.