25 Best Musical Performances in Non-musical Films: 5-1

I’ve been counting down my top 25 most iconic musical performances in a non musical film.  Once again, these are musical performances, lip synched or otherwise that stood out in the landscape of pop culture.  These are not from movies that have a real musical story element.  These are from films where someone, for whatever reason, breaks out into song and dance.

Now, I’ve visited the 70s, 80s, 90s, and 00s for selections 25-6.   I’ve done mostly comedies, and at least one thriller.   While a majority of the top five includes comedy, one of them is black and there is one war film in there.  For the top five, I’m going to give a little exposition on each one.  Sort of why I picked it and why it left an impression on me.

So, let’s not waste anymore time.  OK?

The typical childhood pop culture diet usually contains equal parts annoying kiddie show music, repetitive imagery and music from cartoons, and Disney.  Well, my kid doesn’t get that.  She’s more on the ball with my childhood’s pop culture landscape than I was when I was her age.

In my childhood, my father warped my mind with viewings of Monty Python and other British late night comedies.   Couple that with stealing HBO as a kid and I saw more movies that led to my corruption.    Chief among them  were the films of Mel Brooks.   History of the World Part I, To Be or Not To Be, and Blazing Saddles were some of my favorites.  But one stood out among the rest.  It was a black and white monster film.  OK, it was really a comedy, but still, it had a mad scientist, an ominous monster, and a hilarious musical performance that has become a quintessential joke whenever someone imitates Frankenstein’s monster.  “Puuhtin ahn tha Riiiitz!”

5. Young Frankenstein "Puttin on the Ritz"



Another film I had only seen once I was into my early teens because it was pretty risqué for its time.  Anytime you look at the TV Guide and you see the abbreviations “N” and “SC” in the synopsis for a movie, you knew you weren’t getting to see it with parents around.  Once again, HBO stepped in and I happened to catch this one when I was home alone.  Oh my!

In typical 80s fashion an outlandish scheme is hatched to cover up an even more outlandish lie which results in everything being positively resolved by the end of the film.  If only life could work like that.

Anyway, all this 80s style mayhem and one superstar’s career started simply with a pair of sunglasses, tighty whities, and Bob Seger.

4. Risky Business "Old Time Rock and Roll"




War movies are usually not known for being upbeat or sing-songy… unless that movie is South Pacific.   They’re mostly dour and somber with explosions and grief.   However, one must keep up the British end, even when a POW.  When faced with impossible odds, keep a stiff upper lip, stick out your chest and whistle a tune which serves as a placeholder for lyrics that speak of Hitler only having one ball.

Most kids don’t relish watching a two and a half hour war film, especially one that does not involve Stallone or Schwarzenegger blowing up bad guys with their one liners.   For me, though, this next film was a classic already and I loved it.  It was more cerebral than its muscle headed 80s counterparts.    But, mainly, I loved it because it had Obi-Wan Kenobi as sort of a bastard.  Seeing Alec Guiness play against type of the stoic, Zen like Jedi Master in Star Wars was really a treat.  I’d love to see his George Smiley from the BBC’s 1979 version of Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy.

But for now, I’ll just have to remember to put my lips together and blow.

3. Bridge on the River Kwai "Colonel Bogey March"


Also, I have to include as a footnote that the Colonel Bogey March appears again in another memorable 80s classic.  Same idea, POWs trying to make the best of a bad situation; Saturday detention.

Breakfast Club "Colonel Bogey March"



Stanley Kubrick was a sick f*ck.  Bloody brilliant director though.  I saw the Shining at a young age and that damn scene with the bear suit still freaks me out. And I saw 2001 and that damn star child still freaks me out. But, it wasn't until college that I actually saw this film. And yet, to this day, no matter how much I love his work, Malcolm McDowell still freaks me out.

2.Clockwork Orange "Singin' in the Rain"



Here it is, number one.   I hemmed and hawed of what I considered to be the most iconic musical performance in a non musical film.  It had to be something that sort of reached across some boundaries for people.   Being in my late 30s I thought back to first movie I ever rented on VHS.  We had just got a decent VCR for Christmas that year and my brother and I went down to the Valley Dairy to rent a video.  I had never seen this movie which had came out in theaters the previous summer.   It was a big hit in the theaters and had led to a recharting of an old tune from the 60s.  The scene featured two songs, lip synched by the lead character who pretty much just wanted to have a good day off from class. 

I think you know of which movie I speak.

1. Ferris Bueller's Day Off  "Danke Schoen / Twist and Shout"



Hope you enjoyed the list.  I'm going to put up an honorable mention list real soon.

The Boy Who Read: Part Three

The Boy Who Read Part Three… I promise this is the last one…maybe.

In Parts One and Two I went on at length about my dislike of reading as a child and my newfound addiction in the form of the Harry Potter novels. While I might have made it clear as to why I decided to read the sixth and seventh novels before seeing Half Blood Prince on film. I never really revisited the entire series as subject of debate. I will say that I have spanked that 24 year old that treated the novels and the overall series as childish and unnerving. If anything, J.K. Rowling has relit the pilot light of inspiration in me to continue writing and perhaps make a more concerted effort to finish a piece of work. Of course, commitment to a diet holds about as much weight. With this I offer five things I love about the Harry Potter series and two things I dislike. I won’t go so far as say hate because I went into the books knowing how it ended so a lot of guesswork was taken out of one of the ‘dislikes.’

1. My first ‘love’ associated with the books comes from a background of loving language. I never met a pun or rhyme I didn’t like. Rowling has a firm grasp of etymology and linguistics which really delighted me in her usage throughout the series. The names of characters, locations, and objects such spells have this very soothing shape to them. Whether this can be attributed to her being English or just a lover of good study is beyond me. Looking at Tolkien or Lewis as standards in British Popular Literature, Rowling has earned her spot alongside some of the better writers in her use of language. I always looked at George Lucas’ use of language to create names for characters in the Star Wars universe as my own personal standard of yumminess, being primarily a fan of film and visual media, but Rowling now takes that mantle.
   
2. My second ‘love’ of the books is the way in which she treats the reader. While the books are written in the third person perspective primarily associated with what is happening to Harry, it kind of invites the reader into the story as a first person narrative. I attribute this to an understanding her audience, a kid who can identify with the main characters and the adults who live vicariously through their children or their own childhood. I also believe this to be attributed to her style of writing, specifically her descriptiveness of the action and environment. It is very to imagine the locations and looks of the characters through her descriptions. My biggest hang up with reading is my imagination, which oddly enough is probably more refined than any other trait I possess. I can think of something ten times more horrible under my bed than what could actually be there when I was a kid. Jaws and The Blair Witch Project are favorites because of this acuity of my mind’s eye. Another great thing about how Rowling treats the audience is that she is great at tying things together without letting the reader feel like they’ve tread upon old ground. There are paragraphs and passages in the last books that reference action that took place in the first or second book and it felt like new information when I read it.
   
3. Love number three is the story which is accessible to everyone. Remember, I was a skeptic. I admit, when the books first came out, I was totally against the idea of this school for wizards and witches setting. My gold standard for fantasy or science fiction has been either been based on Star Wars or JRR Tolkien. The idea of trying to fit a story about school and childhood into a medieval style or modern British world made me want to hear nails on chalkboards nonstop as an alternative. The fact that adults were gobbling up the books as much, if not more than, kids was disconcerting to me. Then, as time went by I started to soften a little. I had to admit from a cultural standpoint that this was a positive thing for kids. We were at a point where there was a definite shift from books to more visual media had occurred and then along comes these books that gets kids reading again. Not to mention, families are spending time together reading and discussing the books. It was a small check in the win column for family values. Of course, then the fundamentalist groups get in the way and start shouting “Satanic” and “Occult” and it sours the experience.
   
   As I let the fad, which by now had become a pop culture juggernaut, start to play out and plateau, I picked up the first book and was immediately sucked into it. A friend recently quoted C.S. Lewis to me regarding my change of heart. “When I became a man I put away childish things, including the fear of childishness and the desire to be very grown up.” I never realized that I had already boiled down that beautiful quote years ago into, “I may get older, but I’ll never grow up.” I forgot that somewhere along the way. Once I allowed myself to accept the story for what it was, I was able to enjoy it. As the books progressed, the story matured as did the writer, I believe.
   
4. My fourth love of the series is its hero structure and quest motifs. The story plays on the levels of the hero’s quest without relying on the standard convention of allegory on the surface. Yes, there are definite overtones of love vs. hate, family vs. solidarity, and good vs. evil, but it’s the subtext that really drives the action. By all accounts Harry Potter should not have lived until the age of two. Every step of the way he has someone there to help him. His mother’s love shields him and saves him as a baby. Dumbledore provides him with the tools to solve a lot of his problems. His friends sacrifice themselves time and time again for him to succeed.
   
   In all seriousness, Harry Potter hardly takes a stand and fights back until the end of book two and that was after he was given help in the form of the Sorting Hat from which he pulled Gryffindor’s sword. From then on he still has other people doing things to advance his march towards victory until well into the last two books. But what is really going on here, besides the Christ like referencing is that Harry isn’t alone in his quest even though he is pretty much an orphan. Yes, the Dursley’s provide basic food and shelter but he is emotionally on his own for a decade. It’s not only the prophecy, but the willingness by nearly everyone to believe in him that gives him the strength to be victorious. There comes a point in Deathly Hallows when it finally clicks for Harry. Until this point, he’s never asked to be a hero. He’s a mediocre student but he has the potential to be much more, a leader. A great leader is someone who does the job without asking for it. The first hints to this are in Order of the Phoenix when he forms Dumbledore’s Army. But the realization to Harry’s need to be a leader happens when he buries Dobby.
   

   
   Get Not a Horcrux on various items
   From Mongo Angry! Mongo Smash! the store.

   You can say that it happens when Dumbledore entrusts Harry with the task of finding and destroying Horcruxes, but Harry still hasn’t taken on the position of leader. He knows what needs to be done, but he doesn’t understand how to do it. He’s just following orders. You could also point out that when Harry continues to force Dumbledore to drink the potion in the cave to retrieve the locket has taken on the role of leader, but at that point he is still following orders as well. But after he buries Dobby he sees the power of sacrifice in the name of the cause. So much so that he himself has to do it as well in order to save himself and everyone around him. As he stands in the great hall overlooking the dead and wounded, he sees his friends lying there. In his mind, he struggles with the thought that they are there because of him and he accepts his fate and is prepared to die. It’s a leap of faith and he takes it. Yet, he still does not face death alone. He surrounds himself with fallen loved ones and accepts that he needs help from others, especially adults.
   
   The greatest lesson to be taught isn’t just the nature of love and good conquers hate and evil. It’s all about the journey. Voldemort is so obsessed with making things happen in order to become the most powerful, the he neglects to see the fine print. He rushes off into battle without first looking at the playing field. That’s why he loses. Harry only acts once he has enough information to secure his upper hand. This is another milestone for the boy who was willing to go off after Sirius when he thought him a killer and Voldemort when he returned. Over the course of the series, Harry follows in his father’s footsteps of arrogance and entitlement but learns to curb his temper and allow things to take their course. Thus, knowledge and defense become Harry’s greatest weapons over Voldemort. Yes, he was recognized as the master of the Elder Wand but if Voldemort had known that, he would have chose to dispose of Potter in some other fashion. Harry lets Voldemort destroy himself.
   
5. Love Number Five is Rowling’s decision to not play it safe. In children’s literature, much like the upbringing of children these days there has been an inherent decision to not let kids fail. This is my biggest pet peeve against our society as it stands today. My kid falls down a lot and I tell her to get back up. Now, if she’s really hurt, I go get her, but she fails at the age of two. She doesn’t like it but she is starting to understand it. For a story aimed at kids, there is a reluctance to take a chance and push the boundaries in regards to the safety of your characters. Happy endings come with little sacrifice in some stories. But Rowling isn’t afraid to kill her characters, regardless of their popularity or overall goodness. Apart from the killing of Harry’s parents, no other major character shockingly dies until Cedric Diggory in the fourth book. I don’t count the other deaths in between because they are either peripheral or not as intricately tied to an emotional attachment. Having Wormtail kill Cedric, a teenager proves that this is no longer just a children’s story. People die in violent and tragic ways and by the time we reach book seven, the gloves are off in terms of who is safe and who is cursed.

Now, unfortunately, my two dislikes.

1. Number one is Rowling’s use of Deus ex Machina. In the first book, Harry survives the Quirrell’s assault because he was protected by his Mother’s love. Albeit a stylized salvation, to simply end a climax by saying he was burned by love is pretty much phoning it in by my thoughts. In book two, Harry is first saved by Fawkes the phoenix when he blinds the basilisk and delivers the sorting hat which produces Gryffindor’s sword. Then he saves a dying Harry by producing tears that have healing abilities. Here Rowling has built into the early part of the story the significance of Fawkes and his abilities but even so, it still stands to serve as a “Just in time” salvation. As the books progress, the usage lessens or at least is subtle in its application which could account for the maturing tone of the novels over time.
   
2. My other dislike is Rowling’s attention to detail. To say that she is overly descriptive sounds wrong. Her world is fully realized and her intention in moving the story from point A to point B is sound. However, over time you begin to build up an attachment with certain characters who either become important in terms of development of story or just because they accentuate the action in the right spot.
   
   Case in point, Lupin and Tonks. Remus was a childhood friend of James and Sirius. He is an important part of Harry’s life in the third book but he stays out of Goblet of Fire. He comes back as part of books five and six but then only pops in and out of the story at certain moments in book seven to either deliver news or be sent away as a coward by Harry. He is regarded as a master duelist, yet he is hardly referenced at all in the Battle of Hogwarts except for whom he was fighting and that he died. The same goes for Tonks who has the same amount of action and is ultimately killed. Preference over character appearances aside, it’s the assumption of how both characters died that gets me. Both of them are seen sparsely during the battle and they are both killed off page. He get no real explanation other than the assumption that they were killed by their duelers. We get this passage about Fred dying and being placed in an alcove away from battle, but nothing about Lupin or Tonks. And what about Cho Chang and Lavendar Brown, did they survive? Accoding to the book, it's unclear, although Rowling states in an interview that Cho married a muggle. But what about Lavender? She was being attacked by Greyback and then Trewlaney smacked him in the head with a crystal ball. Did she survive? It seemed as if Rowling had too much going on and some to a footnote or explained afterwards. You see a lot of this over saturation of characters in television shows when cast members are continually added to an ensemble, creating a traffic jam of plotlines.
   
   Also, right after they escape the Ministry, there is a lot of story downtime during the search for Horcruxes in book seven. It especially drags after Ron leaves. Now, the one great thing about books over movies is the ability to take a story and shape and progress it without rushing towards the end. Look at Stephen King’s Dark Tower series. He builds and builds up action from the beginning to the end of book three. Then in book four, he stops it all to tell you another story from the past. It’s a kind of bait and switch tactic that works on paper but can drive someone mad if they’ve built up momentum in their reading. You hit that wall and your eyes nearly fly right off the page.
   
   Additionally, her ability to create a romantic development between characters seems to be a weak point. For the life of me I couldn’t resolve Harry’s affection for Ginny. It just seemed forced. Hermione and Ron’s affections are easy because they are rooted in conflict and that is a natural attraction but the payoff happens abruptly in the last chapters of book seven. I guess you can deduce that Ron’s compassion for the House Elves working in the kitchen is what spark the move for Hermione to eat his face off, but it didn’t read very well and it kind of broke my reading momentum. I hate having to go back and reread something once I've got a steady pace going.

For now, though, my head is not burning any longer. I have decided to take a small break in order to attend to other things that have been put on hold while I dive head first into the world of reading. I don’t think I will abandon it all together like I have in the past. I will probably make a more concerted effort to read something other than a magazine article. Just for a little while though, I need to enter a 12 step program and get myself clean. My wife is into book four of the Twilight series and even though she’s clipping along at a good pace, she seems perturbed at things that have happened in the fourth book. She has described in great detail the chemistry between these two characters and it really moves her. However, she is pissed. There is all this build up towards a payoff only to have the consummation of those desires be relegated to being alluded to and mentioned afterwards. It sounds as the author is great at setting the scene but can’t actually commit to writing about the icky stuff. I have my own thoughts on why, but I won’t get into a discussion about it here. I watched the movie and I feel as if I just watched a bad high school production of Into the Woods. My wife says the movie didn’t do the book justice. I think the producers and director went for marketing the film towards the OC and The Hills demographic and disregarded a lot of the text because they couldn’t keep the attention of the audience, otherwise.So, there you have it. I’m done. There is no more left to write. The Boy Who Read has grown up and is looking forward to the next good book. I’ve been given some suggestions and I will take them to heart. For now, the book is closed.

Monkey Fighting Snakes on a Monday To Friday Plane

This post has been modified from its original version.

I don’t know about you but watching a movie for the first time on its television broadcast seems sacrilegious. First of all, unless you are watching it in HD, it is probably going be cropped into full screen format. I am one of those die hard wide screen enthusiasts that cannot stand to watch movies unless they are presented in their original format. The fact that George Lucas went back and monkeyed around with the Original Star Wars Trilogy in the mid 90’s did not bother me. Some of the additions were pretty cool. However, I did take offense at the whole Han/Greedo showdown. I do not care how immoral it may appear, but Han Shot First. End of story.

Tirades aside, occasionally, I will catch a movie on basic cable which subjects me to cropped vistas and edited language. Now, depending on what channel the movie is playing, the censoring of profanity can be as simple as just muting the offending word leaving you to read a person’s lips to inserting a new word or words to try and keep the integrity of the scene’s sound intact. The results range from laughable to downright hysterical. Of course, the most common replacement for the ‘F’ word is “Forget” as in “Forget You.” However, once you start getting into the variations on the word, you run into trouble.

I have decided to point out a few great examples with clips from YouTube to illustrate the hilarity. The most recent rearing of ridiculous re-edits just happened when Snakes On A Plane was aired on FX. Putting this movie on regular television is like 80’s Teen Sex Comedies on USA Up All Night. The whole purpose of watching those films is the blatant nudity and the editing for content on those is just as bad as language. My personal favorite is an already bad movie, Showgirls. Why would you watch that movie in the first place is beyond me? Why you would watch it with the flesh colored underwear digitally added in is just plain masochistic. However, I digress. Here are some of my favorite bad dubs and edit fails.

1. Snakes on a Plane: "Monkey Fighting Snakes on a Monday to Friday Plane!"  We all know that the whole point of this film was to hear Samuel L. Jackson utter the famous line. When you watch it on television you get a whole different context. Apparently, this airline only has flights during the week and as part of the in flight entertainment you are treated to monkeys fighting snakes.

Monkey Fighting Snakes on a Monday to Friday Plane
(Warning: This design has been modified to comply with CafePress' Content Usage Policy.)

2. The Rock: "Winners date the prom queen!"  When movies attempt to make a passable edit to keep the context of the dialogue, you would think that they would go through every possible word to make sure it matches the tone. Then whoever is doing the dubbing should try and sound like the original actor, that is if you can’t get them to do the dub. Well, who the hell doesn’t do an impression of Sean Connery. His voice is one of the most highly impersonated in pop culture, yet the person dubbing over this line makes it sound like Sean is stroking out when delivering this line.

3. Major League: "Strike this guy out!"  One of my all time favorite movies has one of the all time funniest edit fails. Corbin Bernsen approaches Charlie Sheen on the mound and in what looks to be a showdown over Sheen defiling Bernsen’s wife in retaliation for his on the road infidelities becomes one of the worst dubs ever. They attempted to stretch a single syllable word over the spoken length of two syllable and on top of that, Bernsen suffers from Connery’s stroking out syndrome.

4. Die Hard With a Vengeance and Repo Man: Jackson strikes again with this epithet for someone who beds a mother. Somehow, Die Hard got lucky and it actually sounds pretty funny owing the term to Repo Man’s director Alex Cox, or should that be Alex Game Bird?


5. Die Hard 2: Die Harder: " Yippee Kay Aye, Mr. Falcon!"  They should have dub the title Try Harder. Once again, it’s hard to accept watching the great John McClane be emasculated on television when delivering his catchphrase as Yippee Ki Yay, Mr. Falcon.

Now, some movies just have original tracks that are hysterical. One of the greatest intentional censored words comes from Michael Keaton’s Johnny Dangerously. Roman Moronie’s malapropisms shown in calling people "fargin ice holes" and "bastadges" have become part of the Pop Culture lexicon.



For a list of other bad edits check out Uncylcopedia.
Gawker has a compilation of bad edits but they neglect Major League or The Rock.

Five Ways To Speed Up the Oscars

Got a chance to watch the 81st Annual Academy Awards last night and I must say that everything ran pretty smoothly and actually quickly for the most part. The first noticeable gaffe was a stage hand pulling the curtain in the wrong direction as the Best Supporting Actress montage played. Hugh Jackman infused a lot of energy into the telecast and he did play it pretty safe avoiding a lot of hot button jokes that someone like Whoopi Goldberg or Billy Crystal would have relished in making. He didn’t make a lot of jokes but held the broadcast together.

However, the old running gag about the length of the Oscars isn’t just a joke. These things go on way too long. Call it a product of an ADD addled audience in today’s society but they could have trimmed a good deal of time off the broadcast. As a long time Oscar watcher, here are some suggestions.

1. Either get rid of the “In Memoriam” tribute or include everyone who died.
   For those of us not watching a 60” HD television set, we missed half of the tributes because they chose to pan around the theater instead of having the entire clip be seen up close. So, there were a few I missed.
   
   Now, I understand you cannot include a tribute to every single person who passed away in the last year but if you just show the cool kids that died, then you are doing a disservice to the rest of the people that passed. Last year, one omission was Brad Renfro. The Academy’s official response was, "Unfortunately we cannot include everyone. Our goal is to honor individuals who worked in the many professions and trades of the motion picture industry, not just actors." If that’s the case, then kill (no pun intended) the segment altogether.
   
   There was no mention of the following people and it wasn’t because they didn’t have the prep time.
   Robert Prosky – Great character actor. One of those “Hey, it’s that guy!” kind of actors.
   George Carlin – True he was more of a comedian and better known for his television roles, but still, his death had a profound effect.
   Jerry Reed – The Snowman?!?!? Come on. Ok, so he wasn’t a huge actor but still memorable.
   Harvey Korman – This is a tremendous oversight. Harvey was a hell of a character actor and a brilliant funny man. If you can remember Vampira, you can remember Count de Monet and Hedley LaMarr.
   Don LaFontaine – While not technically an actor, without him you wouldn’t get half the viewership of the movies up for Academy Awards. This falls into that whole “many trades and professions” category.
   
   If you want to honor the big names like Paul Newman or Paul Scofield then take 10 seconds off the commercial broadcast and do a small tribute. Then at the normal time for the “In Memoriam” montage can run quicker and have a more completed list.
   
   
2. Go back to the old format of having the previous winner of the opposite gender present the acting awards.
   It was a little too “Vagina Monologues” for my taste and not everyone gets the love if one actor/actress sits there and gushes for five minutes on their selected nominee. Go back to the old format and give us a clip of the damn movie that these people did so well in that they deserved to get nominated. Perhaps a conspiracy is abound on why certain actors won over others….and better yet, why some weren’t nominated at all.
   
   
3. Kill the production numbers for “Best Song” or speed them up.
   Granted, we only had three nominations this year and WTF is up with that? Why was there only three and two of them were from Slumdog Millionaire? From what I’ve heard Bruce Springsteen was really snubbed in this category. Where was I? Oh yeah. The production numbers were a bit quicker than they had been but I think they still don’t add nearly enough value to be in the broadcast. If they want to showcase Best Song, find a way to fill time at commercial breaks or another spot and play them.
   
   
4. Hold applause.
   When you’re up there rattling off a bunch of nominees, some get an inordinate amount of applause. Why not hold all the applause until after the nominees are read. This gives enough time to actually hear the names and if there is an accompanying clip, hear the clip. It’s also polite.
   
   
5. Put the nominees closer to the stage.
   Yeah, so, Slumdog Millionaire was the big winner of the awards but we all had to wait an extra five minutes for the evening news because the entire population of Mumbai had to come up on stage from the back of the theater. I’m all for giving credit where credit is due, but put all the nominees or those who would be accepting for a nominee up in the front rows. I didn’t see Jack Nicholson, front and center, holding court, as usual, although an unwarranted spread eagle crotch shot of Sean Penn was held on far too long for my taste.

Final thoughts:
Best Line of the Night: “You look like you work at a Hasidic Meth Lab” Natalie Portman talking about Ben Stiller’s appearance in the vein of Joaquin Phoenix
Worst Line of the Night: Anything that came out of Bill Maher’s mouth.. although, “Domo Arigato Mr. Roboto” said by Kunio Kato after winning for La Maison En Petits Cubes runs a close second.

Five Greatest Moments In Pittsburgh Steelers History

Here We Go: Part Two

Moment One: The Immaculate Reception

You had to know it would be this moment. But I’m not going to dwell on the mechanics of the play. Everyone knows what happened. It occurred during the 1972 AFC Divisional playoff game between the Steelers and Oakland Raiders. With just 22 seconds left to go in the game, Pittsburgh found themselves in a dire situation. Oakland had just scored taking the lead 7-6. It was fourth and ten and Pittsburgh had no time outs remaining. Bradshaw, after shaking two defenders, searched for an open receiver. Eyeing fullback John “Frenchy” Fuqua, he threw the ball towards the 35. The Raiders safety, Jack Tatum hit Fuqua just as the ball arrived and the pass tumbled end over end towards the ground. Franco Harris, who had been blocking, made his way down field as an additional receiver and managed to be in the right place at the right time. Snatching the ball just before it hit the turf, he ran for a touchdown which gave the Steelers the lead and the win.

The irony of it all is that most people who take that play out of context think two things. This occurred during the Super Bowl and that Pittsburgh won it. To put it into perspective, this occurred during the 1972 season, the fairytale undefeated season of the Miami Dolphins who beat the Steelers in the AFC Championship game and eventually won Super Bowl VII. The reality is that there has never been a more controversial call in American football. Who did the ball touch first, Tatum or Fuqua? Did the ball touch the ground before Harris grabbed it?
Players, professors, and historians have all but definitively proven that the ball hit Tatum on the shoulder but the only films of the play are either obscured by goal posts are missed the catch as Harris nabbed the ball out of frame.

What cannot be disputed is the effect that the play had on Pittsburgh football. After 40 years of disappointment and mediocrity, the Pittsburgh Steelers had been given a spark of success. That spark burned into a blazing inferno known as Steeler Nation. Two years later Pittsburgh began their NFL dynasty winning four Super Bowls in six years. A town that faced hardships with the collapse of the Steel Industry were suddenly giving a beacon of hope in team who were named after the very industry which collapsed. As residents of the area moved away to find work, they took their love of the team with them and passed it onto new generations creating a tidal wave of Terrible Towels across the nation and the world. The Steelers became a force to be reckoned with and are now attempting to capture their sixth Super Bowl trophy, a record in the NFL. They currently share the record of five wins with Dallas and San Francisco.

Had Harris missed that catch or had it been ruled illegal for one reason or another, who is to say what would be the legacy that followed. The following year the club went 10-4 and had a rematch of sorts with Oakland to which Oakland won. In any case, Miami won their second Super Bowl that year. However, the history of the Steelers success can be attributed to a snowball effect from support of the fans, the emergence of Steel Curtain, and the humble and blue collar rooted work ethic of the team’s administration. But if you had to cite a moment when the tide turned, I think you can agree that the Immaculate Reception is it.


GO STEELERS!

Footnote:

If I had to pick five more moments to make this a Top 10 list, here's the ones I would pick.

1. Harbaugh to Bailey hail mary pass broken up in the end zone.
   1996 AFC Championship Game: Colts vs. Steelers.
2. The first ever Terrible Towel wave
   1975 AFC Divisonal Playoff Game
3. Gary Anderson 50-yard field goal in OT to beat the Oilers on New Year's Eve.
   1989 AFC Wild Card Playoff Game
4. Antwaan Randle El's 43-yard touchdown pass to Hines Ward on a fake reverse.
   2005 Super Bowl XL
5. Lambert throws Cliff Harris to the ground after taunting Roy Gerela for his missed field goal attempt.
   1975 Super Bowl X

Five Greatest Moments In Pittsburgh Steelers History

Here We Go: Part Two

Moment Three: Polamalu’s Interception

The Steelers aren’t a team that capitalize on having big name players on the roster. There are certainly big stars in the league like Tom Brady, Terrell Owens, and Peyton Manning but Pittsburgh prides itself on being identified as a whole team, not just a superstar running back, quarterback, or linebacker. However, the individual does contribute as a whole and sometimes, they are the reason for greatness that comes to the whole team.

Case in point, a young long haired Samoan from California can be cited as having a lot to do with Pittsburgh’s appearance in Super Bowl XLIII. During the 2009 AFC Championship game at Heinz Field, Troy Polamalu exhibited why he is a necessary component to the success of the ball club. His speed, agility, and instinct make him a threat to any offense. His off the field calm and gentle nature make him an enigma to everyone else. Troy is one of those players that plays the game. There is a switch that flips when that helmet goes on as if the compression of that mane stirs up a hornet’s nest within him which he unleashes on the opposing team. Hard hitting aside, when he actually comes up with a fumble or interception he becomes what I can only describe as the Pittsburgh version of The Tazmanian Devil. He holds the ball like it was a live bomb ready to go off and he has to get it off the field. He runs with it held in both hands and manages to traverse from end zone to end zone and sideline to sideline, sometimes during the same play.

There are times, while watching the game, when I feel like victory is slipping away from the ball club. I think to myself, “If only Troy could make something happen.” To that, it’s like someone hears my thoughts and climbs to the highest reaches of the stadium to flip on the Troy Signal. A bright beam of light pierces the sky and the outline of a head with flowing locks appears to alert him on the field. Within an instant, he finds himself in between the quarterback and receiver, poised to play take away.

That being said, my pick for The Third Greatest Moment in Steelers History is Polamalu’s interception of Joe Flacco during the 2009 AFC Championship Game. Troy returned the interception for a touchdown which helped propel the Steelers into a commanding lead resulting in a win against divisional rivals, The Baltimore Ravens, and a trip to Super Bowl XLIII.

Moment Two: Super Bowl XIV Comeback

After winning three Super Bowls, greatness seems to be a secondary thought to the 1979 Pittsburgh Steelers. Still, sometimes, you don’t have to always be great, just when it’s necessary. Super Bowl XIV was one of those necessary times. In fact, the entire fourth quarter makes the list at number two.

Heading into the last quarter of the game, the Steelers were losing, 19-14, to the underdog Los Angeles Rams. If life truly mirrored fiction, then the Rams were destined to win as depicted in the film Heaven Can Wait released just 18 months earlier. Pittsburgh had other ideas. With just under 13 minutes left to go, Terry Bradshaw threw a 73-yard pass to John Stallworth, scoring the go ahead touchdown. With only a two point deficit, the Rams looked to gain the lead back, but made a crucial error. Ferragamo didn’t see Jack Lambert skulking around behind Preston Dennard when he threw the ball from the Pittsburgh 32. Lambert intercepted and shut down Los Angeles drive.

On their subsequent drive, Bradshaw found lightning again and hit Stallworth for a 45-yard reception that took them to the Rams 22. An interference penalty by Los Angeles in the end zone brought the Steelers another 21 yards to the goal line and on third down and one, Franco Harris punched for six giving Pittsburgh a 31-19 lead and Los Angeles heartburn. After a turnover on downs, Pittsburgh ran out the clock, winning Super Bowl XIV.

Stay tuned for the Number One Greatest Moment

Five Greatest Moments In Pittsburgh Steelers History

Here We Go: Part Two

Moment Five: The Tackle

The Pittsburgh Steelers are 60 minutes away from making history. A sixth Lombardi trophy would put them into a class all by themselves. After winning four Super Bowls in the span of six years, there was a bit of a drought. It would 16 years before the Black and Gold would make another appearance at the big show. The outcome of that game, Superl Bowl XXX, was a disappointing loss to the Dallas Cowboys. During those long years, other teams staked their claim to term dynasty. The San Francisco 49ers won their five Super Bowls between 1981-1994. Dallas picked up two more wins before adding number five against The Steelers.

It would be another 10 years before Pittsburgh would make another appearance. During those years another team would standout by winning three rings in four years. In fact the New England Patriots thwarted Pittsburgh's dreams of going to Super Bowl XXXIX in a year that seemed storied. A young, rookie quarterback making his mark at the helm, a seasoned running back in the twilight of his career, and a coach looking to make good on a promise that he made to his bosses all seemed like the ingredients for a great sports film like The Natural. At 15-1, who could have thought they would seem easy to beat in the AFC championship game. Especially, against a team that they easily dismantled three months earlier on Halloween.

Ironically, it was only the preamble to an even greater story. Immediately after their 41-27 loss to the Patriots Ben Roethlisberger offered a doozy of a bond to Jerome Bettis. "One more year."
The 33 year old running back took up the challenge from his 10 year younger QB.

After starting out their season with an impressive opener against the Tennessee Titans, the weeks took a turn towards the disappointing. Losses to the Patriots, Colts, and Jaguars marred their outlook of being able to beat these teams in playoff situations, if they arose. Further losses to two divisional rivals at the hands of the Ravens and Bengals slid the Steelers into a must win situation for the rest of the season's match ups. Beating the Bears, Vikings, Browns, and Lions didn't seem like much of a challenge, but that was only half of the equation. As a sixth seed team in the playoffs it would take winning on the road for the next three games to get to Bettis' hometown of Detroit for Super Bowl XL. A win over the Bengals poised them to take on their toughest post season opponent.

January 15, 2006 was the date of the AFC Divisional Playoff game between the Colts and the Steelers. Their loss to the Colts in Week 13 was surely in their minds. An seemingly unstoppable offense led by Peyton Manning and a deafening 12th man filling the seats of the RCA dome was two obstacles the Steelers had to overcome. Both teams commanded the game in separate halves of play but, by the fourth quarter, Pittsburgh looked to have the Colts dead to rights. A fourth quarter turnover on downs left the Steelers in possession of the ball with only 1:20 remaining on the clock. As professional clock managers, the Steelers only needed to down the ball but the Colts still had all of their timeouts which forced Pittsburgh to advance the field.

An insurance touchdown by their best goal line running back seemed like the proverbial nail in the coffin. However, in a twist of fate, the player who had not fumbled all year long had the ball popped from his possession inches from the goal line. Bettis' fumble was recovered by Nick Harper, who then ran towards the opposite end of the field. The task of running nearly a hundred yards would be hard enough if you had people chasing you, but Harper seemed to have a gracious head start and only had one person to beat, Roethlisberger. If ever there was a moment of, "I can't screw up," it was now. Roethlisberger had promised Bettis and somehow managed to grab Harper's foot as he made his way towards freedom. Six points by the Colts with little time left would have been nearly impossible to answer. The Tackle or The Immaculate Redemption as it's also called makes the list at Number Five.

Moment Four: Wide Right

In all fairness to built up drama and tension, Number Four should be Number Five. However, since it happened chronologically in the same game, I choose to not spoil the story by putting it ahead of Moment Five.

Now, who is to say that a tie game would spell a loss for the Steelers' Super Bowl dreams. Their would still be an opportunity to win a coin toss, drive the ball into field goal range and win by three. But those are odds that are usually not in your favor when you leave it all to the toss of the coin. However, Mike Vanderjagt was mister perfect in the playoffs. He hadn't missed a field goal yet. Overtime seemed like an inevitable conclusion in the minds of the capacity crowd at The RCA Dome. I guess you can't mess with fate, though. Vanderjagt went wide right on a 46-yard attempt and that allowed Pittsburgh to run out the clock and head to Denver. The rest is history.

Stay tuned for Moments 2 and 3.

Five Tips For Holiday Shopping

If you still haven’t finished your shopping for the Holidays then shame on you…and me for that matter. However, for the professional procrastinator, I thought I would offer five tips for shopping close to the Holidays. Why? T’is the season.

1. Take advantage of Free Shipping Day.
   Now, I know you might have missed out on this. I managed to sneak in under the wire. A lot of retailers recognize December 18th as “Free Shipping Day” as a way to entice shoppers to place their last minute orders online. This is recognized as the last day most can guarantee delivery by Christmas on standard shipping. Yule still have to pay for premium services if you wait until the 19th which is “Crap! I’m a Dumb Ass Day."
2. Look for deals and coupons before buying.
   At my office, we just received a gift basket from Wine Country Gift Baskets. These kinds of gift baskets are typical in an office setting and I pondered the idea about maybe getting them for people on my list. I went to the website and was faced with an onslaught of goodies for pretty good prices. However, I did take advantage of free shipping. Now, the moral of this story is that you can get pretty caught up in a new site that looks great. If you take your finger off the buy trigger for five seconds, you may find yourself additional savings. I went to Google and typed “Wine Country Gift Baskets Coupons” and let Google do the work for me. I managed to get an additional 5% off my order by obtaining a coupon code from one of the sites I was given in the search results. In previous years, I’ve managed to save an additional 5-10% on orders by opening up a card with the retailer and then close it after the balance is paid off. These are specialty items from sites that I would probably not look to again. “I call these One Offs."
3. Shop at odd hours
   I recently took a Saturday to do some Christmas Shopping and returned an item for credit. I spent 10 minutes in line at the return desk with a child who was becoming increasingly cranky. I managed to return that item and did nothing else. This was a Saturday at 2pm. Big mistake. Unfortunately, more and more people are shopping off peak hours creating a consistent flow of traffic in the stores. While, I dread shopping at Wal-Mart, I know that I can get in and out late at night. The only issue is the store is stocking shelves in this slow time and I have to travel out of my way to get around pallets that are blocking the isles. The move to online shopping is becoming a model of real store traffic. As conventions like “Free Shipping Day” and “Cyber Monday” become more widely accepted, traffic to websites can slow down your experience and cause crashes right when you least desire it. If you can stand to be in the stores among a sea of bargain hunters go ahead. Me, I’d rather not let my frustration with that shopper, who blocks the aisle and proceeds to stand there oblivious to anyone around them, carry over to the parking lot where I might overlook something like a car or pedestrian in my path.
4. Homemade Gift Baskets
   I know it seems trite, but there are some pretty cool ideas out there. I mentioned that Country Wine Gift Basket website and while I suggest using them, a more thoughtful idea might be to create your own. If you have a hard to shop for person on your list, a gift card is fine, but the idea of getting a gift card is becoming increasingly lazy, in my opinion. Not to mention, a lot of gift cards nowadays carry hidden caveats like expiration of funds, fees, and the threat of the store being out of business before they can be redeemed. Also, with different family members buying me gift cards, I end up getting competing store cards and have to split up orders between retailers. The homemade gift basket is cheaper and more thoughtful, because you’ve taken the time to put work into it.
   1. Shop at a store like Marshalls or TJ Maxx and buy cheap but pretty baskets
   
   
   2. Go to a craft store or discount store and get wrapping supplies like cellophane and shredded paper or hay or whatever they call that stuff.
   
   
   3. Get your themed items. If the recipient is a movie fan, get some microwave popcorn, their favorite candy bars, and perhaps a gift card for movie rentals or tickets to their local theater, and a couple of other items that are indicative of their tastes. For a classier looking basket, get higher end chocolates like Ghirardelli or other premium brands and real popping corn instead of microwave….if they have the means in which to pop it. My wife went to Target and found several packs of coffees from Jack Daniels and Frangelico, all in the dollar section near the front of the store. Add a couple of nice looking coffee mugs, premium chocolates, and maybe a gift card to Starbucks.
   
   Be creative. You’ll save some cash and give them a lot for the effort.
5. Give Yourself
   No, I don’t mean in terms of prostitution, I mean in terms of time. The economy is slumping, no one can afford high credit card payments. Now is the time to be in someone’s life. Take the time and help out. Maybe it’s something that they have either neglected or need assistance in doing like cleaning out the garage. Maybe it’s a home improvement project. A case of beer and a few days of work will increase the bond of your relationship….or completely destroy it in a drunken fight with power tools…who knows. Drink responsibly.
   
   Another example is my parents. They worst to buy for because they say they don’t need anything but their family. They always want a list from us but they never give us one in return. We fumble around the stores and get them gift cards, but they just pile up. We rack our brains to buy them gadgets and other items they might want and they just collect dust. But, as they get on in years, there are numerous projects around their house that appear incomplete or not even started. Hint around to what’s going on in someone’s life and find some time to help them. Take them to the store that they love but hate to drive to. Offer them a night away from the house at their favorite restaurant and pick up the tab. These are things you don’t have to try and buy at the last minute and there is no shipping dates to adhere by. This is a gift that can be redeemed throughout the coming year, especially if it is a nice weather project.

Whatever you finally decide to do with your holiday shopping, just remember to be mindful of your wallet and your identity. These are tough times and as much as we want to be generous with our loved ones, they will understand. Sometimes the best gifts are the ones that you can’t buy in a store or online. Sometimes, the littlest gift is something that they would never buy themselves but only mentioned in passing. Gift giving is 25% monetary, 25% presentation, and 50% thought. Don’t get caught up in the spirit of commercialism. Alternatively, a poor gift is something you think they need….a great gift is something you know they want. When in doubt, money always works, but if you agree to a budget or a set limit….it’s rather unimpressive.

Be safe and be well.

MBC

Part Three of the series, If I Ran Hollywood.

Yep, MBC. That's for Mongo Broadcast Company. I was never a typical child growing up. At 33, I wonder how I ended up like I did? During my childhood, I watched television for about as many hours as most kids my age, but the style of programming was truly different. yes, I spent my early years watching Mr. Rogers, Sesame Street, and The Electric Company but beyond that, I didn't stick to the normal kiddie fare. I remember getting up for afternoon kindergarten and watching The Price is Right before hopping the bus for school. At the age if five, I could probably figure out the pricing on items in the grocery store better than people four times my age. Instead of watching family shows in the evening, I was brought up on the classics of British television like, Benny Hill,Monty Python, and Dave Allen. It was customary for kids my age to be in bed before nine in the evening, but there I was up until 11 watching Hill Street Blues, hart to Hart, andSt. Elsewhere. I truly did grow up with television.

But something happened. Gone are the days of good scripted television. Hollywood seems content on catering to the lowest common denominator. Why else would shows like American Idol get more viewers than a presidential debate? What happened to good television? In the 90's we had Friends, Cheers, and Seinfeld, but today we're content with watching someone eat snakes and sing badly as a form of entertainment. It's like Hollywood saw the numbers that Jerry Springer got and realized that if they put those people on a show and call it a competition then it's legitimate.

Don't tell me naive and don't understand the nature of television. I watched every episode of M*A*S*H including the series finale during its original broadcasting. Don't tell me that todays producers are holding a chicken trying to keep it quiet, when I know full well that it's a quality show that they are smothering to death. Don't get me started on FOX. I've seen more good shows get slipped by to the junk pile on that network so they can try and imitate other networks with their reality ripoffs. Trading Spouses>, anyone? Well, guess what? The God Warrior is here to bring your injustices to light.

Suspension of Disbelief

Ok, let's start with one of the most popular shows out there, LOST. I actually like this show and can't find much wrong with it, now that they've gotten back on track with the mystery. For awhile, they were headed towards X-Files territory. I mean the last few seasons of X-Files.. The ones where Mulder wasn't even around. LOST tried to boost its appeal by adding two "beautiful" people in the form of Nikki and Paulo who garnered much bile from the stomachs of the viewers. Why? We've been through two seasons of well developed and well written characters who have been grimy and in need of a shave for more than 108 minutes and all of a sudden two flawless looking poeple come be bopping into the mix. It's just sad that the writers finally got rid of them only after they had to resort to breaking the fourth wall with the audience to mirror our displeasure. Mind you, this is a good case.

The bad case is the sitcom that supposedly exists in our reality but doesn't follow any rules. I'm talking about According to Jim, Still Standing, and their like. These shows would have us believe that poor schlubs like Jim Belushi and Mark Addy are capable of getting women like Jami Gertz and Courtney Thorne Smith to marry them. To their credit, the same could have been said for The Honeymooners. Still, marriages like this don't exist in nature. Secondly, the idea that these sitcom families live in these huge houses with plenty of square footage on the salaries that the characters claim to have is ridiculous. A dental assitant and a department store employee don't make that kid of dough. Now, I can believe that the Huxtables lived in that New York City Browstone and Fraiser Crane's Seattle Bachelor pad that he shared with Niles and their father is not out of the question given both titular characters' careers. But what happened to shows that really portrayed what it was like to work as a blue collar joe? All in the Family? Married with Children? Do those ring a bell?

The Five Shows you never got to watch

Every year the schedule gets flooded with new shows that try to eek out an existence. They all have to compete for their chance against fellow newcomers and seasoned veterans. The chances for any one pilot to have more episodes ordered is about as good as the chances that Cliff Claven will lower the cuffs on his trousers and stop showing off those pearly white tube socks. Here are five shows that never really got the chance to shine, even though they had at least a season run.



1. Firefly: We all knew about Buffy and Angel even if you didn't watch them. However, Joss Whedon served up this sci-fi tale of mercenaries with meager means quite well. It even got a feature film made after it was cancelled. It nailed early space travel right. Even better than any retro Star Trek offering from UPN, this show had wit, flawed heroes, and kick ass acoustic guitar music a la Snuffy Walden. The fact that FOX shuffled the order of the episodes and then finally blew out the airlock didn't deter most people from embracing the show on DVD.

2. Sports Night Everyone claims that this show was excellent, yet why did it only last two seasons? One was because Sorkin decided to go with the sure thing in The West Wing It was heralded in a time when the uncertainty of National Security. While most people were still bitter about the 2000 election and recount fiasco, we could all turn to a more familiar administration on television. One that didn't have trouble pronouncing the word, "nuclear." Yet, Sports Night was like most Sorkin fare, too smart for television. It was a half hour sitcom. The audience didn't want to have to think and this was a show that required it. Much like number three.

3. Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip Ok, yes, it's another Sorkin show. Again, it was supposed to be a comedy in nature. After all, it was sending up Saturday Night Live. But most people found the preachiness to be getting a little thin on Sorkin's Part. Actually, the pilot episode offers the most accurate depiction of what killed the show. Judd Hirsch's character goes on a complete Howard Beale rant during a live broadcast causing his removal from the "show within a show." It would mark a return to the type of "show within a show" that made you proud of television. However, the real show stepped away from that mantra and began to be more about attacking right wing politics and religion. It should have made the same alottment for the left as well. Best Moment: A parody of To Catch a Predator has Chris Hansen waiting for Santa Claus, armed with letters about sitting on his lap and giving gifts to children.

4.Murder in Small Town X What's that you say? A reality show in my Top 5? Yes. I didn't get to watch as much as I should and I found myself lost as much as everybody else. However, the reality/game show gave viewers a smarter plot and concept. A group of people are forced to live together and solve a fictional murder in a fictional town. Think The Truman Show meets CSI with the element of a Choose Your Own Adventure book and Ghost Hunters style of camera work. Each episode ended with two choices for a clue. One lead to a clue, the other lead to the murder and death. The group had a tribal council style vote on which two people would get sent out. Regardless of how you felt about either, only one would be coming back. The show got axed due to ratings, not acclaim, and of course FOX opted to not renew it. Another blunder by the fourth network. Ironically, the only connection anyone had to the show after its finale was that the winner of the show, Angel Juarbe, Jr., was killed on September 11th. He was a New York City Fireman who died in the collapse of the World Trade Center towers.

5. Too Something This show lasted not even a single season but has been copied several times since. Ever seen, The Big Bang Theory? Two and a Half Men? Granted, Two and a Half Men is a better show but it follows the absurd style of humor that this show made great. Can anyone else say, "Self High Five?" The networks couldn't understand it and even held a contest to try and rename the show which ended up New York Daze? . Ultimately, genius was dismissed and the leads went on to other projects....one of those leads being, Portia de Rosi.

What to do, now?

We just got through a writer's strike and hopefully, that will be the start of something. I highly doubt it. Now that the writers get those theoretical dollars from digital distribution, it just means more money, not better television. Look, stop relying on the cheap and easy game/reality show to fill the schedule. Start looking at what made this landscape great. Also, stop remaking every damn British show that comes down the pike. It worked for The Office but don't expect lightning to strike every time. If you are going to have a reality show, how about one where all the hosts have to compete. Let's put Joe Rogan up against Jeff Probst in a bug eating contest. And for the love of St. Elsewhere stop spinning off shows. I can't handle anymore Law & Order and CSI shows. I really don't care anymore.

Here's an idea. Let's rectify that horrible adaptation of The Running Man and make a good show that sends up reality/game shows. You can tap into the producers sleazy nature and the value of advertising and market share. Just don't make it like the Governator's offering. The movie is a stand alone fun filled romp, but no where near the original material that Stephen King laid out.

How about this? This might already be in the works as a feature film, but I think Stephen King's The Dark Tower would make an excellent show in the vein of LOST. Each book could serve as a season, perhaps two depending on the installment. It's sci-fi, it's western, it's drama. A very good opportunity for HBO or other cable outlets.

Take a look at what cable is doing and figure out how to do it as well. Shows like The Shield and Deadwood have proved that you don't have to be on the Big Three to be well written and widely recognized. The Emmy's have proven that. Cable is not just for The Sorpranos anymore. There are consistently great shows on FX and HBO. One of my new favorites is
The Riches.

That's it. My entire diatribe on the state of television has come to an end. This is a medium that can be saved, but it's up to the producers as well as the writers to make it back to the glory days of May Day Malone and Mary Richards. Just Don't Stop Believin' and you'll be all right. If not, we'll switch off faster than the black out from The Sorpanos. Capiece?

Up, Up, Down, Down, Left, Right, Left, Right, B, A, Start!

Part Two of a Series entitled All Your Free Time Are Belong To Us

Those of you who have ever owned a Nintendo Entertainment System have those directions burned into your memory. It's, of course, the Konami code. Originally used to get power ups when entered during a paused game of Gradius, it gained popularity with the game Contra, granting 30 extra lives if inputed before the start up screen. This was necessary, as the game was damn near impossible to beat with the allotted 3 lives and 10 continues granted out of the box. Since then, the code has appeared in numerous video games and has become part of the pop culture lexicon. To this day, I recite this directional mantra as an inside joke whenever I want or need more power or time to do something. "Sure, I can carry all those groceries, honey. Let me just input the Konami Code and I'll magically have the strength of 10 men."

As much as I have loved video games all life, I've never been on the cutting edge or frontline when it comes to new technology. Preferably, I tend to hang back for awhile until the prices come down and the bugs get fixed. The obsession never supercedes the need to be frugal. More often than not I have come into possesion of a game or system well after it was been surpassed by it's replacement. Case in point, the NES. As early as 1985 units were beginning to pop up in households signaling the end of the drought brought on by the Video Game Crash of 1983. While my friends got on board with the new 8-bit technology, I still fiddled with my Sears branded Atari 2600 system. Additionaly, I had begun getting into the home computer video game craze which seemed to promise better graphics and I could get games cheaper due to the ability to copy the game to a blank disk.

Eventually, I got on board around 1988. A friend of mine decided to sell his NES after only owning it for a year. He had the Basic Set which did not include a game but did include the Official Player's guide which detailed every game up until that point. He sold it to me for a $100 and threw in Marble Madness as well. Soon, I was off to my local video store to rent games. As with my Atari, I traded games with friends and can fondly remember being thrilled with the ability to enter in passwords and play saved game states or get power ups. I suspect that the passwords merely retreived data from the game code in the form of letter or number characters that manipulated score and progress in the game and not really a true saved game. Later games came with a battery that allowed for actual saving of progress and not just restoring the game to some state dictated by turning certain "switches" as it were. I could be wrong. During lunches in junior high, my friends and I would gather around the latest copy of Nintendo Power which got passed around like a Playboy stolen from the private stash of someone's dad. We fought for an unobstructed view of this sacred tome which gave us tips and tricks on how to defeat Mother Brain and Ganon. Foldouts containing detailed screenshots of each level showed us where the elusive green mushrooms hid as well as which candle we should avoid as to not lose our boomerang in favor of a stupid stopwatch. We'd feverishly scribble down passwords anticipating the moment the school week would be over and we could lock ourselves in our rooms with a case of New York Seltzer or Snapple Iced Tea and game away the weekend trying out The Amazon's Pirahna Bite which while kicked major ass would eventually be taken away from you.

The quality of the writing in games left a little to be desired as most were guilty of horrible Engrish. No, I didn't spell English wrong, I really meant Engrish. The most famous being the origin of this title of this blog series, "All your base are belong to us," from Zero Wing. Still, other games like Pro Wrestling provided thrashing of the english language with the phrase "A winner is you." Sometimes the best games were ones that had no dialogue at all, allowing only for side scrolling action. The controllers had a second action button which added to a learning curve for those of us used to the old days of the Orange Button. Eventually, I came into posession of a NES max controller that allowed me the advantage playing against friends as I had access to a turbo button.

I never got into the other controllers. Some of my friends would unleash an arsenal of gear when they would have others over for gaming sessions. There was, of course, the light zapper for Hogan's Alley and Duck Hunt. Since my NES did not come with Duck Hunt, I never had a zapper. At the launch of the NES there was the ill fated, R.O.B. This little robot that helped sell the console in North America never got its due with only two games specifically made to use it. Another popular controller was the NES Advantage or as I called it the BAJ (Big Ass Joystick). It allowed you to slow down game play with a feature that essentially toggled the start button rapidly, pausing the game intermittently. Dragging around and storing of the Advantage was difficult with the size of this beast. And let us not forget, the Power Glove. This thing looked like some kind of kinky toy better suited in the bedroom than the game room. It made an appearnce in that awful movie with Fred Savage called The Wizard. None of my friends ever owned this contraption, although one did own the Power Pad, which was a plastic floor mat with sensors in it for use in athletic type games. While I'm sure the intent was meant to get kids off the couch and do some exercise while playing video games, most kids found it easier to lay on the floor, pounding the buttons with our hands instead.

As with the Atari, the NES waned in popularity after a few years in favor of burgeoning advances in new technology. While still found in my collection of systems, the console has been collecting dust and I only play some titles through Nesticle, an NES emulator. That's not to say that the NES became completely devoid of replayability once the fourth and fifth generation consoles emerged. College provided a much needed revival of the system as my dorm floormates and I would engage in Tecmo Super Bowl Tournaments lasting for days on end. That is, until we acquired a Sega Genesis by illegal means and then it was NHL 94 24/7. We liked the game but were severly disgruntled by the fact that the blood and gore of fighting had been removed. Still, we could make heads bleed, which was good. We would get drunk on Mad Dog, declare in a pre Vince Vaughn, "Swingers" tone, "Wait I'm gonna do my thing with the thing," and just maul each everyone to death with Bob Probert. I look back on those days as a simpler time when gaming wasn't a way of life but a mindless distraction. I could wax nostaglic about it for hours on end, but I have to be off now, it appears my Princess is in another castle.


My Top 20 Best and 5 Worst NES games. (And before you flame, I've never played Final Fantasy, so I have no point of reference.)

Best

1. Metroid
2. The Legend of Zelda Great game, check out this old school commercial
3. Castlevania II Simon's Quest
4. Castlevania III Dracula's Curse
5. Golgo 13
6. Tecmo Super Bowl
7. Mike Tyson's Punch Out Before Tyson was replaced.
8. Double Dribble Just what the hell was that mascot for LA supposed to be?
9. Blades of Steel
10. Ninja Gaiden
11. Goonies II
12. Double Dragon II The Revenge Much better port of the original Double Dragon.
13. Contra
14. Metal Gear
15. Tetris Highly addictive game
16. Kid Icarus
17. Mega Man 2
18. Pro Wrestling
19. Major League Baseball
20. Wizards and Warriors

Worst

1. Deadly Towers The fact that you randomly changed position on each start was annoying enough.
2. Total Recall Had about as much to do with Arnold's movie as Arnold's movie, The Running Man had to do with King's (Bachman's) book.
3. Legacy of the Wizard I have no idea what this game was about or what the family pet was.
4. Rygar The length of this game just frustrated me.
5. Battle of Olympus Dumb clone of Zelda II, frustrating as well.

Honorable Mentions

1. Super Mario 3
2. RC Pro Am
3. Faxandadu
4. Friday the 13th One of those few games that made you jump. It was scarier than most of the movies.
5. Star Wars
   

Yorgle, Grundle, and Rhindle, oh my!

Part One of a Series entitled, All Your Free Time Are Belong to Us

Imagine if you will, it's Christmas morning in the year 1980 and you're five years old. The year has been somewhat good to you. You're still riding high on the fact that the Steelers won the Super Bowl despite their 9-7 season for this year. The U.S. was beginning to feel patriotic again with the "Miracle on Ice" during the Olympic Winter Games and you were still giddy and confused by the declaration that Darth Vader was Luke Skywalker's father. "But they don't have the same last name." Still, all this aside, nothing enthralls you more than running downstairs to see the plethora of presents that Santa has left you. What did Santa bring me this year? I hope I get more Legos and Star Wars action figures. Maybe, just maybe, we'll get an Atari this year.


You see, video games have been a huge part of my life and this Christmas was nearly met with disappointment as I had finished opening all my gifts but no Atari was to be found. Suddenly, as if it were straight out of A Christmas Story, my parents said there was at least one more for the three of us kids, all the way at the back of the tree. We feverishly opened the big honking box, mystified at what could be inside. It was an Atari 2600! Well, to be truthful, it was the Sears Tele-Games version that included Target Fun instead of Combat. Additionally, they bought us three games to go with it. They were Asteroids, Space Invaders, and Maze Craze. As the ColecoVision and Intellivison consoles became available I lusted for one these as well because the quality of games where perceived to be superior. Since my parents were unwilling to buy me another 2nd Gen console, I opted to just make the best of my Atari and hold out for hopes that the graphics would get better than a square chasing a dot around the screen. I simply became creative with what I had. I would trade games back and forth with friends constantly rotating my stock. It was a frugal effort that kept me from having to buy more 4 bit titles which mostly did not provide much content or replay value as others. Where graphics lacked, I found enjoyment in compelling game structure. My favorite game to this day is Adventure. It offered the first "easter egg" in the form of a credits screen and had a level that randomized locations of objects and monsters allowing for a greater replay value as the game could be different every time.

Alas, my ownership of this game was short lived. It disappeared sometime between 1983 and 1984. To this day I maintain that it was in my house the entire time, having slipped into another dimension through a worm hole located in a chair in our living room. The ratty piece of furniture had a tear somewhere under the seat cushion and I believe that the game fell down between the cushions and was lost forever, along with one of my Lego men, and my math homework from third grade. Honest, Mrs. Kofsky, I swear I did the assignment. It just disappeared from my Trapper Keeper.

For seven years I played that Atari even though the console had declined in popularity and eventually died off around 1983-84 due to the underwhelming appeal of piss poor titles and saturation of the market by every Tom, Dick, and Quaker who wanted to cash in on the craze by stealing programmers from each other to establish lucrative gaming divisions. With the advent of home computers, and computers in the classroom, sales moved away from game consoles and found their way into Steve Jobs' and Bill Gates' pockets. In the past few years I acquired another Atari 2600 while cleaning out the house of my wife's grandmother. Right now it's sitting in my garage collecting dust as I have no place for it or do I have the hookups to make it work on any of my televisions. My own Atari, I believe, is sitting in storage at Dad's office as is most other things of my childhood. Now having access to two consoles, I may consider selling one on eBay if I find it a worth while venture. In any case, I still do play Atari titles, although, they are in the form of ROM images used on an emulator called PCAE. This way, once in awhile, I can still go chasing after a dot with my red square and with only one button, there's no confusion as to how to slay the dragon. If only all of my life was that simple. Think of it, anytime I get the blue screen of death, I need to just blow on my computer as if it were a cartridge and voila, problem solved.

My Top 5 Best and Worst 2nd Gen Console games.

The Best

1. Adventure (Atari 2600)
2. Pitfall! and Pitfall II (Atari 2600) Jack Black once did a commercial for Pitfall!
3. Advanced Dungeons and Dragons (Intellivision)
4. Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back (Atari 2600)
5. River Raid (Atari 2600)

The Worst

1. E.T. (Atari 2600) Is there any wonder why there are thousands of copies buried in New Mexico?
2. Pac-Man (Atari 2600 port) Horrible graphics and little similarity to the original. Reason 2 for the Game Crash of 83.
3. Smurfs: Rescue in Gargamel's Castle (ColecoVison) Sure, the music was good. But, if you walked into a picket fence or a blade of grass, you died. Come on!
4. Swordquest: Earthworld (Atari 2600) Another popular adventure game, but extremely boring and difficult
5. Raiders of the Lost Ark (Atari 2600) Loved the movie but a one player game that required the use of both controllers and lacked half of the movie's elements meant "Welcome to sucktown, population you."

Honorable Mention

1. Cosmic Avenger (ColecoVision)
2. Circus Atari (Atari 2600) Highly addictive Breakout style game. Clown deaths are kewl.
3. Warlords (Atari 2600)
4. Yars' Revenge (Atari 2600)
5. Haunted House (Atari 2600) Simply a derivative of Adventure in a 4 level mansion but offered more difficulty.
6. Frogs and Flies (Atari 2600) I know this makes six, but I had to add this silly game because it just simplified everything to spending the day eating flies. How cool is that?