WUMF: December 2012 Edition

Yeah…. So I was kind of hoping the Mayans would be right and I wouldn’t have to do a WUMF entry for December. But, they weren’t, so I have to. Then again, I looked back at 2012 and realized I did December 2011’s in January of 2012. At least I’m consistent. Here’s your WUMF.

Death Takes Over a Holiday
As I stated in one of my last entries of 2012, the D-bag award was handed over to Mr. Reaper, without contest. OK, part of it was I wasn’t feeling it. Though, the ends justified the means. In the last week and a half, we lost a good many people; celebrity and non-celebrity. And considering the news of what recently happened in Pakistan with cops and teachers being killed, Death earned the title back from the likes of BP and Jerry Sandusky. Here’s hoping he’s not such a douche in 2013.

Speaking of Not Feeling It
Let’s face it… I’ve been doing this blog for just about four years and I can tell you, the Internet lies… there is no money to be made off of blogging…. unless you are selling something other than your words. And quite frankly, the technology to block those ads have caught up to Google. Hell, I use Adblock myself. It’s a wonderful thing to have when you rely on YouTube to keep you informed of pop culture and humor. Then again, I actually wanted to join the ranks of the craptastic YouTubers who make money on there. Unfortunately, I neither have the talent, time, or content to even put together a decent blog post anymore, let alone a video.

Speaking of Decent Blog Posts
Yeah, I owe my four and a half readers some Skyfall posts. And… I promise they are coming. Really… I swear.  Whether they’re crap or gold remains to be seen.

The Return To Angry
I think I might have strayed away from my original brand. I sort of softened and let the Internet slang in to my work. I guess I sold out a little. Well, that ends this year. I’m bringing angry back. With that…

End of the Year Review
Here’s what I came up with…

 

Governor Tom Corbett – You didn’t feel it was appropriate to spend tax payer monies on fully investigating PSU and Jerry Sandusky while you were State Attorney General and running for governor. However, you find it necessary to spend tax payer monies, now, to sue the NCAA over the sanctions and penalties against PSU for what you failed to investigate… and you are running for re-election…next year. So, you didn’t want to piss off a majority of the voting population of PA, who probably hold a PSU degree, when you wanted their vote… and now you’re out to buy their vote. Well, played.

Hugh Hefner – You married your runaway bride, who is 60 years younger than you. Um… you both have no shame… and gay people aren’t allowed to marry in all states? Really?

Kanye and Kim - She said she was going to let him finish… and he did… now she’s pregnant with his baby… and still married to Kris Humphries… Well… this will be the first time half of America will get to see something coming out of her instead of going in her. Congratulations. I guess we see who wears the leather skirt in this relationship.

Dick Clark’s Rocking New Year’s Eve Review

• Oh look… there’s that hot band from 2012 playing in the corner of the screen while the fucking Disney store logo is in the middle of the screen. Thanks ABC.
• Neon Trees lead singer looked like Pee Wee Herman dipped in bleach and glitter.
• Fergie thinks she’s Queen Latifah and, unfortunately, Queen Latifah is whiter than her.
• Jenny McCarthy can finally start to stalk Justin Bieber without penalty for statutory rape… and she’s not exactly coy about it. My advice, Biebs…. Throw her a bone… she tends to like creepy man-child Canadians. You’ll finally hit puberty and with any luck, she’ll devour you and suffer indigestion… saving the rest of us.
• Pitbull has as many moves as Derek Zoolander… and he got bumped from the Live feed in Times Square to the rehashed crap in Hollywood. That Men In Black song takes on a whole new meaning. And… I think he had a fresh herpes sore on his mouth.
• Taylor Swift – “I just met this guy back stage, dated him, and broke up with him in a matter of minutes… GRAMMY SONGWRITER LEVEL – PRO.” Look, you have a ton of money…. It’s time to start getting music lessons. Your live performances are hideously out of tune and I can’t understand why you are STILL so friggin’ popular.
• And the winner of the night – Dick Clark for dying before this abomination ever happened.

Seriously, I admit it, I was a prick for laughing at how bad it was getting when Dick Clark was counting down the ball drop. He was three seconds behind and, OK, yeah, the guy had a stroke… but come on, Ryan Seacrest was slowly stealing that from him. In fact, I think Ryan Seacrest caused that stroke with some kind of Faustian deal with Simon Cowell. He has millions, will probably own or produce half of everything in two years, and is dating Julianne Hough. He’s got to be on the devil’s payroll. And like Ted Wass, he will eventually have to pay the devil back and I’m not sure there will be an epic-all in-soul-pot-for-the-taking poker hand between a set of dueling George Burns. But wouldn’t that be awesome?

Dick Clark was a businessman. He laid the groundwork and Seacrest is just following the template. It’s almost a Greek myth at work where the mightiest of Gods are usually overthrown by their sons… or it’s just a Star Wars Sith prophecy. In this case, Seacrest is Darth Vader and Dick Clark was Palpatine.

The problem with the DCRNYE celebration is that it’s pandering, now, to teens and 20-somethings who will end up staying in on New Year’s Eve in a couple years. It used to mean something. Now, it’s a commercial for the crappiest acts manufactured by Simon Cowell, ABC and the EvilCorp that is Disney. I really don’t think, under Dick Clark’s production, that the quality of the broadcast and performances would have been allowed to reach this ridiculous depth of commercialism and self indulgence.

I feel better now.  I feel like I purged the last of my soul and now I can continue to be the angry old prick I should be.   Let's hear it for 2013.

2012 D-Bag Awards: Abridged

I was going to post an entry for the D-Bag awards sometime this week. Things have changed, though.

I had already compiled a list of all the nominations including entries from Sports (The Pirates, The NFL, The NHL, and Lance Armstrong), to celebrities like Chris Brown or Donald Trump.

Businesses featured prominently due to the cutting back of workers and benefits after the upholding of the ACA and/or gay marriage issues.

Politics was huge among the entries, and it was hard to keep them to four. There were so many d-bags eligible.  Everyone, from the Rape Republicans to the constant lying and misinformation during the campaigns, made it hard to choose a clear winner in that category.  The fiscal cliff issue alone should have been the winner just on principal.

The Hollywood or Entertainment bracket was going to be great thanks to NBC’s colossal fail at the Olympics or the release of Honey Boo Boo on TLC.  The vast amount of remakes and childhood mining for material in Hollywood added a tough competitor to the mix.

Lastly, the category with the most impact this year started to unfold. The Life category had the Christmas Creep, a new nominee competing against the likes of The Mayans and Mother Nature, because of the whole apocalypse and Hurricane Sandy business.   But when I started listing all of the names of people who died this year for the stats of Death, a perennial contender, I found that it was clear where I needed to lay the award.

It wasn’t bad enough that a lot of great and influential people died this year. Yes, there were a lot of celebrity deaths, which is normal because THEY get reported more than anyone else, but we also had the attack in Benghazi as well as the Colorado, Oregon, and now Connecticut shootings. Prior to last Friday, it was somewhat of a tossup as to who would be taking home the title. I was going to say the Mayans and post the results on 12/22. What? Did you honestly think this was some kind of scientific or statistically measured tournament? Sorry. I’m just a guy with an Internet connection and a lot of voices in his head.

So, as I was saying, when I started listing out all of the names of people who had died and were listed on the news, I left it open, because there was still time on the clock. Then, the Newtown shooting happened.

As a 20 something, Columbine was hard because I was only a few years removed from that environment. Virginia Tech was even harder because it was closer to my age. However, since I am a father of a five year old girl, who is just about the age of most of the victims, I reeled when I found out. I caught the early reports on the radio, as I was rushing around getting things done on my day off, Friday.  Immediately, my heart sank.  I was going to meet up with some coworkers to see The Hobbit and would probably not be home in time to kiss my little girl goodnight. I texted my wife to tell her to give her an extra hug and kiss as I was near tears most of the day.  Then, I got a call from them and got to speak to her. She was so earnest in her little voice explaining what had happened.

After the movie, I got another call because she was going to bed and I wanted to say goodnight to her. Her sleepy little voice reminded me how much I love being her Daddy.  For all the bad times, the tantrums, the repeated requests to watch the same four episodes of Wild Kratts OnDemand, the intelligence and sweetness she brings into grown up conversations just melts my heart.

And realizing that she had to go to school today, in a different world, again, made me realize that there was no more need for discussion.

Therefore, I give you this year’s D-Bag of the Year Award winner, Death himself.  He recaptures the title after winning it the first year. Well played, douchebag. The amount of lives lost this year in senseless fashion just bolster my decision.

Now, some may wonder why I just don’t give it to the guy who did the shooting. Well, that’s because I don’t feel we need to give this sorry excuse for a human anymore recognition than he deserves, which is none.

If I could give away an opposite award for the best example of a human being in this world, I would give it to the teachers and principal at Sandy Hook. They were heroes. None of them with any kind of training or weapons. They protected those children and gave their lives to stop more from dying. They deserve a medal. Yet, all we’ll do is debate mental health and gun control until their sacrifice is nothing more than a Facebook photo of a candle.

Achievement Unlocked: I Voted

Whatever your party affiliation, your convictions, or opinions, we can all agree that it is our civic duty to get out and vote. 

For us PA voters, there has been a huge deal made about Photo ID being required for voting.  In fact, the stupid ads were still be played on the air even after the Supreme Court shot down the law requiring ID.  So, in case you are still confused, I will say it one last time....

In Pennsylvania, you will be ASKED, but NOT REQUIRED to show Photo Identification at the polls, unless you are voting for the first time in a new polling place.

OK, so get out and vote.  The lines will be long, but I'd rather complain about wasting an hour of my life instead of not being able to complain about the next four years.

Achievement Unlocked: I Voted

Get it at the following places:
Redbubble, Skreened, Cafepress, and Zazzle

WUMF: August 2012 Edition

It’s the end of the month. You know what that means?

Hurricane Isaac
NOLA just can’t catch a break. Almost seven years to the day from Hurricane Katrina, Isaac comes knocking on New Orleans. Meanwhile in Tampa, the RNC is holding their event and unless Governor Christie comes out onto the beach in a speedo, telling everyone to GTFO, I think they’ll be fine. Even if Isaac becomes a Category Cantore, it will be OK for them. Now, not that I want anyone to be harmed by such a destructive force, but it begs the question that if the Republican Convention were to be hit by the full force of the hurricane, would Pat Robertson say they deserved it? Somehow, I think not.

And Isaac? Come on, Isaac is not a hurricane name. Isaac is a cruise ship bartender. He’s a scientist. He’s not a hurricane. Just like Andrew, which was a really destructive storm was not a good name. “Hey everyone, Hurricane Andrew is coming.” No one flinches. “Hurricane Katrina is coming!” You get your shit and move. Hurricane Bill? That sounds like something you get from the insurance company.

Fat Guy At the Water Park
This weekend I will be going to Great Wolf Lodge in Sandusky. Now, last year, at this time we went to Splash Lagoon and I think they might have recovered all of the lost water. You can always tell when I am next on the water slide. Just look for the water to stop flowing at the bottom. Then comes the sound of a submarine collapsing under the pressure of the deep water. Then, you see the tsunami appear at the opening of the slide and WOOSH!

Now, my wife insisted that I book us a King bedroom with whirlpool tub. This is the same woman that drug me camping in a tent last weekend and now we have a fireplace in our hotel room. Go figure.  BTW, Is it coincidence that they just aired a Fat Person On A Waterslide segment on Here Comes Honey Boo Boo Child?   People are going to be looking at me, all judgmental and shit.

Kindergarten Blues
My daughter started Kindergarten this week. Now, there was a lot of hesitation and nervousness about going to the bus stop, getting on the bus, spending a whole day at kindergarten, and then riding the bus home, hoping to get off at the right stop. But, a brave front was put up and only a few tears were shed over the whole event. My wife got through it. :)

However, I’m not exactly sure I like all these new rules for school kids. I understand, 1980 is a far cry from 2012. The kid had homework the first day?!?!? Granted, she had to color in stuff. She does a good job of staying inside the lines but she did have one bad screw up.

 

Now, the handbook was pretty strict about absences and such which got my wife and I a little miffed. The kid is only five. If she were to miss a day, not due to illness, she might not learn that Friday is the last weekday. I think we can make that lesson up at home. However, there was a lot of speak about records and courts and I was thinking, “This kid is going to have a record because we went on vacation a day early?” I can see her future, “You daughter cannot be admitted to Harvard because she missed out on Yellow day back in Kindergarten.” So, apparently, there are five year olds smart enough to skip school and go do Pixie Sticks under the stadium bleachers. How do you punish a five year old for what their parents did? I guess, ask the folks who think the deportation of illegal kids brought over the border, by their parents, is a good idea.

Tekkit
OK, so I have already talked about my Minecraft addiction. But, as of late, the game is somewhat lax in exciting features. Don’t get me wrong. It’s still an awesome game and some of the latest features, like temples and trading with villagers is really cool, but having to start over on a new “world” to get these things to generate is a bit problematic.

However, I’ve been watching the Yogscast videos for a long time and apart from being hilarious, they’ve got me wanting to try Tekkit. The idea behind this is that I thought, “Man, wouldn’t it be awesome if I could build some kind of power plant, only primitive.” Nothing like a nuclear plant, but perhaps a water wheel to generate power for furnaces and mine carts. Redstone mechanics still escape me.

So, as I got into the later videos, I saw that they were starting to build stuff in Tekkit, which is a collection of mods, I guess. One of them is called Industrial Craft. These mods, bundled with a launcher and a kick ass texture pack like Sphax BD Purecraft have made the game extremely fun, if not infuriatingly complex.

It took forever for me to remember how to build some of the machines like a piston or enchanting table and now, with a whole bunch of new ores and minerals, it’s like learning chemistry all over again with a third grade level education.

You can literally automate an entire process of macerating an ore block into dust, smelting it into a bar, and placing it into a chest with a few cables, pipes, and basic engines. Not only that, but you can automate all of this further by building a quarry that will dig a large hole in the ground, sucking up all the blocks, passing them through pipes that can filter out items like dirt and rock from Iron and Diamonds and then pass them through the process or into chests.

It sort of breaks the game, though. There is a lot of setup to doing all of these wonderful things, but once you accomplish setting up a quarry that runs on fuel derived from an oil well or volcano and it automatically processes everything into chests, you don’t have to leave your house. You don’t have to fight monsters. You don’t have to mine. It’s like playing an RPG and once reaching level 20 or so, you go back to that first area that kicked your ass with your leather helmet and dagger and you say to the little bug monsters, “Who’s the bitch, now?”

Still, I will probably waste a lot of hours doing all this. If you are even the least bit interested in this, look up the Tekkit Wiki and go watch these videos.

Duncan is a member of the Yogscast and even though I do recommend watching the funnier Simon and Lewis or Sips and Sjin videos devoted to Tekkit, Duncan is more focused on showing you how to setup all of the machines and wiring associated with Tekkit.

OK, I’m out like a light. Have a good Labor Day.

WUMF: April 2012 Edition

Another month, another WUMF.

Prometheus
The film is less than two months away and I am trying so hard not to be spoiled. I just watched the International trailer which is a BIT more revealing than previous trailers. It’s almost two spoilerish for me. This is on par with finding out weeks ahead of time that the season 3 finale of LOST was a flash forward.

GIANT SPOILER WARNING

Sorry, I should have put that in before that five year old revelation.

Anyway, what I took from the trailer… and you have been forewarned…

The space jockey directly connects the film to Alien. I have a feeling that whatever race he was a part of was responsible for either discovering or engineering the xenomorphs we are familiar with in the Alien franchise. They might also be responsible for engineering human existence. However, by arriving on the planet, humans sort of set off some kind of plan and those aliens that look like the Space Jockey make their way to Earth to do some reengineering of the species. Unfortunately, the humans get implanted with an early incarnation of a xenomorph and combining with human DNA causes it to adapt to the shape we know. Then it effectively kills the space jockey by impregnating it with a queen who sets things in motion for the first Alien film.

Now, I could be way off, but I’m staking my claim now. Unfortunately, that trailer and subsequent attempts to find out more led me to some crap conspiracy from InfoWars d-bag Alex Jones who has a video out exclaiming that Prometheus is an attempt to indoctrinate audiences into the illuminati myths.

It’s a damn movie. I don’t know what scares me more, conspiracy theories or the theorists who theorize them. Get over yourself, Alex. You’re a year older than me and you sound like Blake Clark gargling broken glass.

2012
Speaking of conspiracy theories, Dick Clark recently passed away. Well played Mayans. I’m actually beginning to believe in this crap. I recently saw a report on how scholars were trying to decipher text on the Mayan Calendar. They could only make out two words, Leonard Bernstein. We’re so doomed. Damn you Michael Stipe!

Actually, I don’t know what everyone’s so worried about. Dick Clark will still be at Times Square this New Year’s Eve. Coachella proved that to be possible.

Movie Night With My Kid
I’ve been making it a plan to introduce my four year old kid to a few of the movies I loved as a child before she gets all spoiled on CGI and 3D. Now, it’s not to say that I haven’t shown her movies that relied on CGI to get their point across, but I’m only going with ones that didn’t rely on it as a crutch. Yes, I’m looking at you Stephen and George.

Last year, it was the Iron Man movies. Why? Because I enjoyed them and she likes a good superhero movie. Also, in the past I showed her the first two Jurassic Park films, because she loves dinosaurs. Then, I went decidedly old school on her. Check out this brief list.

• All six Star Wars films
• The Goonies
• The Last Unicorn
• The Dark Crystal
• Ghostbusters

Eventually, we’ll work up to The Hobbit because it might be a little heady for her, right now. And, of course I mean the Rankin/Bass one. She’s not quite ready for the marathon that will become the Peter Jackson version. She has seen a little of the Lord of the Rings trilogy, but I won’t subject her to the 1978 one which pretty much dilutes the series down into a mess. Dude, the Balrog, seriously?

One day, she’ll watch all five movies and hopefully, enjoy the hell out of them so much that she’ll read the books. That’s my plan. She’s already seen a good portion of the Harry Potter films and I will try to get her into reading them when she’s age appropriate.

And lastly, when she’s closer to ten or eleven, I’ll sit her down and we’ll watch Akira. Hopefully, there won’t be a live action version of that out, by then.

Next month’s WUMF will be hot on the heels of vacation. So, I might mail it in… just giving you a spoiler warning, now.

Spring 2012 Giveaway



Wanted to let you know I'm holding a giveaway for the T-Shirt side of Mongo...  Come on over and get entered to win some prizes..

 

DVD of Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory (1971 version with Gene Wilder… not Johnny Depp)

Peep Show shirt in your size

Box of peeps

0.0   Non Runner Sticker (for all you who don’t feel like working off the candy you’ve consumed)

Lent Is For Quitters Magnet

And a couple of other surprises

Three ways to enter.   Facebook, Twitter and on posting comments here.

Here’s  how:

1.  Go here and comment...
2.  Tweet "I just entered the @AngryMongo Spring Giveaway for a chance to win some great prizes http://ow.ly/9IoD9 #MongoSpring2012"

3.  Go to my facebook page and tell me what's the best thing to find in your basket.