How Are Kids Even Alive Today?

I should be writing my dissertation on the finale of LOST but that’s just way too much work. Instead, I’m dragging out the old soap box for another edition of “THOSE DAMN KIDS!” This week I want to look at a couple of stories, old and new, about trends in what could be considered the end of civilization.


First off, the hot dog. For what it’s worth, these things are going to kill you anyway. American hot dogs are probably one of the worst foods to ever be created. The hot dog looks at the Double Down and says, “Pfft, amateur.” Besides being lovingly referred to as “containing lips and assholes” the amount of nitrates and salt in the things would probably make Ghandi say, “No thanks. I’m full.” In fact, the one thing that sticks out in my mind from being a child and loving hot dogs was the notion that if I eat too much, I’ll get ass cancer.

But the biggest “Damn Kids” moment comes from a recent story about the changing the hot dog. According to multiple sources around the Internet, which is never wrong, pediatricians are asking for a change in how the hot dog is designed. Why? Because of the threat of kids choking on one. In a wonderfully monochromatic pie chart, the percentage of food related, non-fatal choking hazards was around 60%. Actually, I’d be worried if that number was any lower. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want to see kids choke but if they are looking at things that kids actually choke on, food better be above coins and toys or anything else. If not, then what the hell are kids putting in their mouths and why are we not addressing that?

Now get this, one of the solutions was thought up by the guy who invented Steakums. I am astounded by this. I lived on Steakums my freshman year of college. It was a food group alongside Kraft Macaroni & Cheese, Rama Noodles, Pizza, and Beer. I almost lose respect for the guy because he is enabling people to be idiots. I suspect the number one reason kids choke on food is attributed to parental stupidity. Still, the fact that kids choke on anything is terrible and I’ve been through that scare with my daughter. She was still an infant and I was feeding her applesauce mixed with rice cereal and she got a little stuck in her throat. Did I panic? No. Did I do the Heimlich? No. I simply reached in with my finger and removed the obstruction. Now, my daughter is almost three and loves hot dogs. Hell, we had them for dinner last night. And you know how she ate them? My wife cut the hot dog in half and told her to take small bites. When that became too messy as the bun disintegrated from being too wet from the juice in the dog, she held the hot dog and said, “Here take a bite.” Otherwise, we cut the hot dog up into small bites and she can eat them off her plate.

So, spending millions of dollars on redesigning the hot dog, which has been the same since probably the 1400s, seems silly when the proper solution would be to use a fork. It costs less and does the trick nicely.

Next up, “THOSE DAMN KIDS AND THEIR FADS.” When my sister was in her teens there was a fad that swept the nation. One little toy became a must have among people in her generation. It was called the pet rock. It was literally in a bock with an instruction manual. Genius! When I was in school ten years later we had fads, too. They were called friendship pins. Do you know what they were made out of? Safety pins and beads. Now we have things called Silly Bandz which is a rubber band bracelet. KIDS ARE WEARING OFFICE SUPPLIES AS FASHION!?!?!? But, But, I say BUT, again, they are becoming band in schools? Why? They are a distraction. No…. School is boring.

You have to understand that a typical kid around the age of 9-13 has little attention span and that’s mostly the fault of today’s parenting and tech savvy-instant gratification-technology. Kids are already being made to conform to a dress code, sometimes even stricter than office casual Fridays. Their identity and individuality is being stripped from in pieces right down to how they can wear their hair. The more you try to jam them into a one size fits all container the more they will bust out of that mold. They’re growing and evolving and we’re trying to stop that. I’m all for rules but let’s not be crazy here. My generation didn’t disrupt classes or learning by sporting a safety pin with colored beads on our shoe. Why is it so hard today? Why are we just fine and kids today are so screwed up that they have to be threatened by the fun vampires?

I understand there was a some kind of bracelet debacle a couple of years ago where the bracelets had some kind of hidden meaning for how far the wearer would go, intimately, but come on, you could code the same messages with anything. I have a red pony tail holder today, I go all the way. I’m wearing a yellow one, that means I like pina coladas and getting caught in the rain. Hell, the way someone wears their hair could be code for stuff like that. It doesn’t matter because there is something inherently wrong with the way kids process information today. There’s too much out there and parenting doesn’t have a good governance plan put into place.

I have been adamantly stating that I was born too soon and that being a kid in today’s world would be awesome because of all the things available to make life fun but I don’t know now. I think life would suck because people can’t be trusted… correction some people shouldn’t be trusted with raising a child. They are ruining it for everyone else. I mean we played with lawn darts! LAWN DARTS! We stood twenty feet apart and threw pointy objects at each other for fun! You never heard us complain about toys. We rode big wheels in the streets and baked real cakes with 100 watt bulbs. We ate dirt and played tackle football at recess. And you know what? Not everyone got to play at every soccer game and there were winners and losers. We learned that from day one. At the end of the game someone’s taking a lap because they couldn’t hit the cut-off man from right field. Hell, kick ball is too dangerous now? We used to climb ropes to the ceiling of the gym.

Classroom safety, there’s another one. “In the event of an emergency, everyone exit the room, except you Johnny. Make sure you open the windows and turn off the lights before leaving the room.” Remember that one? Yeah, there’s a big ass funnel cloud coming at the building and some poor bastard gets left behind to try and salvage the electric bill. Of course, our parents had it worse. In the event of an atomic bomb, they were supposed to hide under their desks. Apparently, desks in those days were shielded for radiation, regardless of the open space beneath them.
Honestly, how are kids even living today?

Project 10 to the 100 update

Way back in the beginning of the year I entered into a Google run contest called Project 10 to the 100th. It was an effort to pick an idea that could do the most good in the world. The winner would get financial backing or help in securing the financial backing to make the idea a reality.

The original vote date was in February. Then, it got pushed back to March. Well, after months of waiting for Google to evaluate the over 150,000 applicants, they’ve finally selected finalists to be voted upon. Unfortunately, I am not one of those finalists.

Now, I’m not expecting anyone to have actually been waiting for an update, but I figured I had to at least practice due diligence with having posted the information back at the beginning of the year. If you still want to participate and choose the best entry from the finalists, go ahead. May the best idea win.

Project 10 to the 100th

Ten years ago a little search engine was launched. Until that point there were around fifteen search engines already handling the inquires of would be web surfers. Web directories like Yahoo were on top of the pile, but when Google hit the scene, all that changed. It was a simple concept that provided useful results. Now, Google is a monster with total assets in upwards of $25 billion.

For its tenth anniversary, it’s using its charitable arm at Google.org to reach out to the community that made it great. One such project is 10 to the 100th. The concept is a contest of sorts. Come up with an idea that would help the most people. Submissions were taken until October 2009. The five winning finalists based on votes from a panel of judges and the public wins up to $10 million to make their idea a reality. A selection of Google employees will review all the ideas submitted and select 100 for public consideration. The 100 top ideas will be announced on January 27, 2009, at which point we will invite the public to select twenty semi-finalists. An advisory board will then choose up to five final ideas for funding and implementation. We plan to announce these winners in early February.

So, I’ve grabbed the torch and submitted my own idea. I did some searching….on Google, of course, to find out if this idea has already been realized. I’m constantly thinking of ideas and my train of thought is that “If I can think of it, someone probably already has.” But in my surfing of the web I could not find the exact idea and application of such anywhere. There are similar products but nothing specifically geared towards this concept. Now, I’m not one to really pimp or solicit my projects or products for financial gain, but I do ask that if you could just take the time to read my drivel and decide for yourself. You can even put in your email address to be reminded when to vote.

With that in mind, I give you my idea for Google’s Project 10 to the 100th. If you would like to vote for me, Click Here. (THIS LINK WILL BE PROVIDED ON JANUARY 27TH.)


The Idea: Forget Me Not
I know, it sounds corny, but I didn’t have a lot of free time to test out ideas for names. Ultimately, it could probably be changed.

The Concept: Car Seat Safety Alarm
My wife always says that I’d forget my head if it wasn’t up my ass. I have a tendency to forget things. Now that I am a parent, any extra assurance in well being of my child is worth any price. I know I always talk about how I am going to be different than most parents by not putting a lot of safeguards up like outlet covers and actually watch my child when she’s roaming around the house free but the car seat is something I take extra care in being aware of at all times. It’s a lot easier now, because she’s a toddler and doesn’t sleep a lot in the car but any extra long trips may result in her taking a nap in the back seat. I would never forgive myself or expect to be forgiven if anything ever happened to her as a result of my absent mindedness. Even if it was just an accident.

Sometimes careful, intelligent, and good natured people become forgetful. We’ve become a society of on-the-go, multitasking individuals and once in awhile we can forget the precious cargo we carry. Too many stories detail the death of a child left in a car while the parent goes into a store or place of business. Often, the act is purely by accident. I try to always be aware of my child’s location. While my wife is usually a backup set of eyes and ears, there are times when I have to go it alone. With the Forget Me Not device, everyone would have a second set of eyes and ears alerting them if they become forgetful.

The Device: Key Chain Transmitter and Receiver
The device can hang on a key chain and separate into two parts. The Receiver continues to hang on the key chain while The Transmitter can clip to the baby’s clothes, toys, or car seat. If the driver exits the car and travels more than a pre determined safe distance from the transmitter it flashes, vibrates, and alarms, alerting the driver that they’ve forgotten something important. The design can be simple and cute. The transmitter and receiver can look like anything, perhaps even a representation of a parent holding a child when the transmitter (child) is connected to the receiver (parent) on the key chain.

The Impact: Redundancy Perpetuates Responsibility
Initially, the device is intended to alert drivers of a child left behind. While we cannot guard against individuals who misuse or do not utilize the device, the same can be said for seat belts. This is a backup measure for anyone who becomes absent minded. Ideally, Forget Me Not could be packaged with car seats and offered in hospitals as a part of a new mother discharge care package. Most hospitals offer assistance installing car seats and this can added to that service. If the device can save one child, I feel it is worth any investment in its design and implementation. Packaged mailers can develop a user base. Websites and blogs can track progress and allow for comments and future enhancements. Beyond the initial offering, applications can include pets, keys, wallets, and other items you may misplace.

The Development: Statistics and Measurables
Research into statistics of car seat deaths to establish a frequency would be needed. Why did it happen? What could have prevented it? Design and testing of the electronic components in regards to actual distance, battery life, reliability, and awareness of alert would need to be conducted. Sourcing of materials and vendors needs to be researched. Marketing research of designs and consumer acceptance of function, aesthetics, and ease of use needs conducted.

The Outcome: Awareness, Acceptance, Automation
Acceptance of the device on a global scale would be optimal. I also hope that there would be an increased awareness in driver and car seat safety. Besides just being a device that reminds you that your child is still in a car, there can be a change in behavior. Habits can be formed and made automatic. Surveys and mailers packaged with the device can develop a customer base. Websites and blogs can track progress, allow for comments and sharing of experiences, hopes, fears. This could spark future enhancements and other markets that could be targeted. Beyond the initial offering, future applications can include pets, keys, wallets, and other items you may leave anywhere.