In my 34 years on this Earth, there have been more forgotten Christmases than ones I can remember. The first three are a bit hazy, for sure. Sure, there was the year I got the Millennium Falcon and immediately broke off the radar dish. Something that foreshadowed the events of Return of the Jedi. Then, there was the year we got an Atari, although to be totally accurate it was the Sears Tele-Games version that came with the darker word grain finish and Target Fun instead of Combat. But for the most part, Christmas seems to come and go without a memorable event that makes it stand out against the mosaic of all Christmases combined. That was, until this year. Perhaps the two most remembered quotes of the holiday will be “Remember Caillou” and “Fire! Fire! I need a grown up!”
To start I should back up to Christmas Eve. Our two year old and a half year old is starting to get the idea of Christmas and we wanted to record the act of putting out cookies and milk for Santa. Of course, my daughter is all about quality assurance and immediately checked the cookies for suitable eating after she put them down on the stool in front of the tree. We also put some carrots out on the front porch in case the reindeer get tired of waiting on the roof. After lights out, we made sure Santa had enough space to put out all the presents. In fact, Santa became quite the vandal as he left messages on our back door, front door and refrigerator in red washable ink. It was something of a cross between Danny Torrance’s “REDRUM” and John McClane’s message about having a machine gun, "Ho, Ho, Ho." From the scrawling penmanship, I felt Santa was a sadistic bastard who didn't realize how hard it would be to clean up the mess after all was said and done.
The next morning, my in laws came over to watch the joy and awe like effect Christmas morning has on a child. The night before she was able to open one present and her excitement for that told us that a room full of presents should be a big deal. I stood in the living room, camera at the ready, and she waltzed down the hallway. She walked into the living room, right past the tree and over to an end table where her gift from the night before was sitting. She proceeded to stand there and show it to her grandmother, reveling in its coolness. Meanwhile, the blazing tree and multitude of gifts, that stood not two feet from her, went unnoticed. She didn’t even bat an eye at the cookie crumbs or gnawed carrot bits on the front porch. Looks like Christmas memories for her will be few and far between as well these first few years.
After we coaxed her into opening at least three of her gifts, we managed to clean up the discarded boxes and torn paper and prepared for a trip to my parents. It’s always hard to travel with children. They get so worked up because of the holiday and then you have to do all this travelling which just exhausts everyone. Not to mention, all kids want to do is play with their toys after they open them and to rip them from that playtime and trot them off to another person's house is not pleasing, even if that person also has presents for them. Since, my child was oblivious to presents at this point I figured it shouldn't be a problem. Although, it’s nice if we can work in a nap for her before we leave. She was already excited, not because she would be opening more presents but because she would be able to play with her cousin.
Now, we haven’t really seen a white Christmas around here for years. They are usually rainy and cold, but not white. This year was no exception, adding wind to the mix. It was hard at times to keep the new minivan on the road. Center of gravity was the one thing I hadn’t considered when replacing my low to the ground coupe. The car shimmied all over the road as the wind whipped over the hills and onto the turnpike. As we pulled into my parents’ driveway we could see the pine trees, that lined the driveway, bend and sway in the breeze. We took a few minutes to sit in the new sun room, which they had just added, and watched the closest pine almost kiss the glass more than once on the large windows.
About ten minutes before we were ready to eat, the power went out. My wife and I were standing in the living room with our daughter when it happened. I immediately called out to her to stand still as I walked over to try and find her in the darkness. Even if the outage had been confined to our house, alone, there would have been no outside lights to even give off the faintest glow through the windows. My parents live on the outskirts of town in a semi rural area, surrounded by farms and small housing plans. The only lights you get out there are from other houses and the occasional street light. We were pretty much in total darkness. Once I had gotten a hold of my kid, I picked her up while others worked on getting flashlights and candles. Once we had some light to go around, I grabbed a flashlight and aimed it straight at the ceiling. The white ceiling acted as a reflector bouncing the light around the room creating enough light to see but not enough to blind you from pointing a light in your face.
Luckily, my mother had finished cooking and was just getting ready to serve dinner when this happened or we may have been reduced to eating a Christmas dinner that was smiling at us. "Fa Ra Ra Ra Ra..." Now, I half expected my daughter to be in hysterics at this point. After all, she has issues with the dark in our house. But instead, she kept repeating the same thing over and over in the darkness. “Remember Caillou?” and then she would trail off into toddler incoherency. For those of you without small children, Caillou is a Canadian kids' cartoon on Sprout, based off of books. It’s about a little bald headed boy named Caillou. One of the episodes centered around a storm that caused the power to go out. She made it a point to tell everyone in “This one time at Band Camp” fashion “Remember Caillou, when the lights went out?” This went on for a least 30 minutes.
Dinner was excellent as always and afterwards we retired to the sun room to open presents. Usually, we would all just open simultaneously but due to conditions we took turns. One person would hold a flashlight while the other would open and vice versa. My father who claims that he doesn’t need or want anything for Christmas was actually jazzed for one present he opened this year. It was an LED lighted head band. It was practical and easily applicable in our current situation. We had candles around the room and a few oil lamps but this thing threw off a lot of light. He even hung it on the ceiling fan shining enough light for everyone. Even in perfect conditions we would have had trouble navigating from one side of the room to the other with all the presents. Because of the outage it was twice as tricky and this little bugger helped out a lot. At times, we couldn’t tell what exactly we had opened or who it was from, but we all enjoyed ourselves.
After presents, traditionally came pumpkin pie, but for some of us Tylenol would have been welcome. A couple of us began complaining of slight headaches and a bit of dizziness. We didn’t realize that maybe three oil lanterns would be a hazard. We decided to forgo the lamps during pie and coffee and I opted to wear the new most excellent Christmas present since Ralphie got his Red Ryder B.B. gun. The light was great if you needed to shine directly in front of you but in this case you could blind someone. So, I flipped it upside down and allowed the light to point upwards. I walked out into the living room where my daughter was playing and heard my nephew calling from the kitchen. He had taken up residence at the kitchen table with his new Nintendo DS while waiting for desert.
On the table, a gel based candle had finally reached its flash point and the gel caught fire, creating a larger flame. “Fire. Fire” He called out, calmly, while still playing the game system. My wife and sister in law stood in the kitchen and assessed the fire. It didn’t look that bad but it soon became bigger. “Fire. Fire” he called again, “I need a grown up!” They rushed over and I made my way around the living room and into the kitchen. Both my wife and sister in law had begun blowing on the table which was now engulfing the entire candle and with every blow threatened to spread. They both seemed sort of stunned and a bit alarmed at the growing threat. I calmly walked over and grabbed one of the pie plates. In what looked like my ignorance of the situation, in order to save the pie from disaster, was actually methodical. I merely placed the plate on top of the candle, snuffing out the oxygen supply. Both women looked at me like I had just grew antlers.
With the fire out, we proceeded with desert which deteriorated into fits of giggling and uncontrollable laughter brought on by what I can only figure was exposure to the oil lamps. My brother asked what my father used for fuel to which my father said, "Some can in the garage." I followed up asking if the can had a dirty old rag for a cap. All the while, I wore the head band lamp upside down on my head shining upward at the ceiling. My head nodded as I laughed at the littlest of things causing the light to create a strobe effect. My wife, who had really felt the downturn of the holidays this year declared that this would be the most memorable Christmases ever. With that, my daughter looked up with a whip cream goatee and said, “Remember Caillou?” Once again, we broke up into hysterics.
But my wife was right. I admit, this season was a bit of a downer. After all, 2009 was pretty unfavorable in that we had more valleys to navigate than peaks in terms of moods. Her mom battled cancer most of the year, beginning with surgery to remove a brain tumor, moved onto pulmonary emboli and a diagnosis of ovarian cancer, that ended with her having additional surgery and chemotherapy. She lost her job due to redundancy from a merger/acquisition in her company and her home was flooded during heavy rains in June. Her usual spunky attitude towards Christmas was dour with thoughts of having to wear a wig or shell out money for repairs and Christmas presents from her savings instead of regular pay. In the end, she came out on the winning side but had taken a lot of lumps to get there and it showed. We should be thankful that we get another Christmas with a woman that should have been dead 13 years ago. That’s 13 Christmases that were unremarkable just because no one was missing. Had it gone the other way, my wife would have probably done everything she could have to forget the holiday.
Still, she was right, this was the best Christmas ever. Thankfully we weren’t all too hopped up on diesel fumes and could remember it….and Caillou.
Got Mongo? Feed On This!"
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Showing posts with label 2009. Show all posts
Showing posts with label 2009. Show all posts
Monday, January 4, 2010
Monday, December 28, 2009
2009 D-Bag Award Finals
2009 has been an utterly strange year. The strangest this decade. We’ve had unprecedented events and the usual nonsense that goes along with D-Bags of all walks of life. Before us, we have six exceptional finalists who have gone above and beyond the normal amount of mischief to land them in this round.
6. Sarah Palin
She started off the year licking her wounds and getting blamed for the loss of the Presidency which wasn't exactly fair. After all, it wasn't her fault McCain didn't get elected. She really had no business being his running mate. But, she did not go gently into that good night. She resigned her post as governor with no real explanation as to why, although it became clear. She wanted to go on a book tour, toting young Trig around to boost her cred among conservative mothers. I'm sure she'll refuse to go away come 2012 and by then, if she can still find ways to be relevant, the GOP will probably take her in a back room somewhere and reprogram her to be their candidate. Of course, being 2012, the world will probably end if she were to win.
5. Richard Heene
Richard Heene wanted fame. He wanted it so bad, he was willing to stage one of the dumbest and improbable stunts ever. He launched a Mylar balloon and pretended to be worried that his son, Falcon, was aboard. The scientific evidence was against him from the start but that didn't matter. We believed it was as plausible as the idea that a cable technician could bring down an alien armada with a Mac and a computer virus in ID4. Apparently, aliens don't have Norton or McAfee. As the story...ballooned...and everybody got caught up in the mass hysteria, Heene probably realized that he was in over his head. His son was in the garage, his ass was on the line, and Falcon's lunch was all over his lap. Finally, the truth came out. Heene is going to jail and cannot profit from the incident in any way or he will violate his probation.
4. Kanye West
Between attacking paparazzi at the airport and interrupting Taylor Swift at the VMA's, Kanye managed to make a mockery of his celebrity. I knew he had it in him but I can't think of why he thought it would have been a good idea to grab the mic from Swift and declare Beyonce's video the best of all time. Unfortunately, I have to agree with him. I cannot fathom the appeal of Taylor Swift, who for all intents and purposes, cannot sing live. I've had the displeasure of listening to her on several occasions and she just doesn't have the vocal control that someone who is considered the entertainer of the year should have. She wouldn't even make it to the finals of American Idol and that's saying something about talent, or lack there of. But this is about Kanye. Ever since his off script ad lib during the Katrina benefit he was bound to become an even bigger D-Bag. I only wish I could have put money on it.
3. Tiger Woods
I am not even what you would consider an amateur golfer. I suck. I have a slice that is almost like a boomerang. But I liked Tiger Woods on the course. He was/is a tremendous athlete and was/is destined for history. Unfortunately, 2009 was more about Tiger's infidelity than his playing. As the world crumbled around him, he could have taken the high road and admitted to it, stopping the machine that is the gossip media online and on television. However, he chose to be secretive about it, thinking it would go away, and it did, after 10 plus mistresses came out, his wife moved out and his endorsements shied away. Dave Letterman played his own infidelity best by owning up to his mistakes and then continually bashing himself. Tiger chose to do the one thing a huge celebrity can't, retreat. Arnie Palmer said it best. "If you want to be normal, you should give the money back."
2. Bernie Madoff
He screwed a hell of a lot of people with a very high price tag. Granted, he went to jail for it but the damage is irreparable in some cases. He did to individuals what the entire gang of suits on Wall Street did the American Public. That’s saying a lot. But in the scheme of things, he’s nothing more than a petty thief. He’s getting his justice, I hope, repeatedly and very dry.
1. Death
It almost seems like an unfair fight, here. After all, how do you compete with Death unless you are Bill S. Preston, esquire and Ted Theodore Logan? Still, look back at the amount of people who have died this year because of this guy. My pop culture childhood is almost completely gone. Celebrity aside, Death is usually a ringer for a D-Bag award every year. He claims millions of lives every year and he managed to take three more famous lives while the tournament was going on. He nailed Brittany Murphy, Vic Chestnut and Arnold Stang. Once the lists have been counted and the years analyzed someone more reputable than me will look back at 2009 and see that the year was most known for how many famous people died.
So, there you have it Mongo faithful. The biggest douche bag of 2009 is the Grim Reaper himself, Death. Maybe next year someone can take the trophy from him but I highly doubt it.
Monday, December 21, 2009
2009 D-Bag Awards - Heat Three: Political D-Bags
This is going to be a big match up. Due to economic hardships and attention deficit disorder, the IDC (International D-Bag Committee) has decided to merge the international competition into the United States Tournament. In an unprecedented event, D-bag delegates from Iran and North Korea are going to compete for a shot at the world title against American competitors early on in the tournament.
This heat will consist of a pageant of sorts. Each contestant will be judged on five areas of competition, Interview, Talent, Lifestyle & Fitness in Swimsuit, Evening Wear, and Onstage Question. Here are your contestants.
Our next interview is with John Edwards. Mr. Edwards, tell us what it is like to have been in the running for the White House twice and come up short? Um, who are you? Ok, we are being told that Mr. Edwards is claiming that he isn’t a d-bag and that his former campaign aide, Andrew Young is the real d-bag and should be interviewed. Mr. Edwards has also initially claimed that it isn’t even his d-bag even though he promised to be the d-bag after his wife dies of cancer and he will make a solid commitment to being the d-bag in a roof top ceremony with The Dave Matthews Band giving a performance. Wow, that’s two contestants out in the first round. I was really looking forward to the evening wear round for a look at John Edwards’ flawless hair.
Next up, another helmet haired contestant, Rod Blagojevich.
Fmr. Governor, what do you think was your biggest mistake while in office?
Blago: Not getting the money up front.
Good answer. What has life been like for you in 2009?
Blago: Hold on a second. Where’s the football?
Ok, it appears we need to take a minute for Rod to comb his hair. One of his assistants is bringing him a brush in a briefcase. I think he’s done now.
Blago: Ok, where was I? Yes, 2009. I think the year has been hard. I mean I got kicked out of office, I couldn’t be on I’m a Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here and travel restrictions have prevented me from really taking advantage of my post scandal fame. It’s a bummer, man.
Thank you Rod.
Now onto North Korean Leader Kim Jong-Il Dear Leader can you describe what it means to the people of North Korea that you are here competing?
Kim Jong-Il (Through Interpreter) Competing? There is no competition. I am magical and the best there is. No matter where I go, I bring North Korea with me. In fact, you are in violation of trespassing onto North Korean soil. You will be seized and be forced to work 12 years of hard labor. Guards.
Apparently, Kim Jong-Il is talking to a light stand and I think he might be a little demented. Um, we really can’t tell but we think he believes that he is surrounded by guards and that they are going to take me into custody. I think we better take a break until we can figure this out. Oh, there he goes for the boom mic. Yep, he thinks it’s an American drone ship. It appears that he is attempting to toss his pen at the microphone, spouting something about long range missiles but his aim is terrible. We’ll be right back.
We have successfully managed to negotiate my release as well as convince Kim Jong-Il that our green room was one of his palaces. Unfortunately, he has annexed it along with the Craft Services table and has built a fort with the chairs and blanket inside.
Next up, we have Iranian Leader Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.
Mahmoud, can you tell us what you believe makes you the biggest d-bag of 2009?
Mahmoud Ahmadinejad: (Inaudible response.)
I’m sorry Mr. President we couldn’t quite make that out. There seems to be a huge protest going on right next to us. It appears that numerous Iranian protesters are shouting something about fraud and scandal over your nomination. Hold on a second. Excuse me. You realize that this is an award for being the biggest D-bag of the year, right? Ok, the translator has relayed the message and now it appears that they are cheering Mahmoud Ahmadinejad on. I’m afraid we’ll have to skip the interview, however, due to continued disruptions.
Last, but certainly not.. well whatever, Sarah Palin.
Fmr. Governor Palin, that’s a lovely shade of red your pant suit has.
Sarah Palin: Why thank you. I picked up it at the RNC’s yard sale. It looks just like the one I wore on the campaign trail.
Um, Sarah, I believe that is the actual suit. I think the RNC is trying to recoup the costs of the campaign from last year. Now, you’ve had quite a busy year, your daughter, Bristol, gave birth just before 2009 started. Then her and Levi broke up, you gave up your office as Governor of Alaska and wrote a book. How do you find the time to stay so relevant?
Sarah: Oh well, you know, we Alaskans aren’t just up there on top of the world to keep the snow of the rest of, ya. We’re busy and we keep ourselves going on the notion that any day, some Russian could just show up unannounced on our beach. People always think that Red Dawn was a possibility. Youknow, that the Russians could move through Alaska and overthrow the United States. Well, I can tell you that would never happen. Alaskans are always vigil and could see a Russian attack coming because of the proximity. Those Ruskies would never make it out of the boats.
Ms. Palin, what you've just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.
We’re just going to end this round and catch up later. After a long day of competition we bring you this update.
During the talent portion of the competition Rod Blagojevich was disqualified for trying to sell John Edwards vacant position to the highest bidder, in attempt to pay off his extensive Paul Mitchell bills. Mahmoud Ahmadinejad performed a stand up routine but most of his jokes about Jewish people fell flat due to him not being Jewish. Sarah Palin wowed the crowd with a display of marksmanship as she successfully wiped out an entire species of rare wolves without reloading her automatic rifle. But by far, the star of the talent competition was Kim Jong-Il who simultaneously wrote and performed an aria while sinking an impressive hole in one on a 560 yard par five hole, that was completely under water.
During the Swimsuit competition, Sarah Palin appeared in what looked like a swimsuit but the judges are investigating that it really wasn’t Palin, from today, but a version of Palin from another competition. Kim Jong-Il showed up in a lovely one piece swimsuit, circa 1924 and Mahmoud Ahmadinejad wore a speedo that pretty much let us know he really wasn’t Jewish.
In evening wear competition, Sarah Palin busted out her old pageant dress and was nice enough to bring little Trig out with her. In fact, she spent more time showing off Trig than herself, much to the "oohs" and "awws" of the crowd. Kim Jong-Il forfeited when it was discovered that while he claimed to have designed and stitched his own tuxedo, in reality, sweat shop workers from North Korea were flown in to do the work. Mahmoud Ahmadinejad really didn’t impress us all that much as he came out in a tan suit, without a tie, and was unshaven.
In the end the all important event, the Onstage Question was ultimately thrown out. Quite frankly, we aren’t even exactly sure what happened, but Sarah Palin was asked a question and then she went into a three hour long rant that made absolutely no sense, and quite frankly I fell asleep during, only to wake up as she plugged her new book three times, brought Trig back out to get the crowd back into it and then she just stopped talking all together. She stood there for about three minutes and then walked off the stage. Mahmoud Ahmadinejad had already left, thinking that the entire competition was a myth.
So, it looks like everyone else was either disqualified or quit making Sarah Palin the winner of this round. We’d like to congratulate her but it seems that she’s off on another book signing, with Trig in tow.
Here’s the breakdown.
If you had to compare John Edwards to Mark Sanford, you could say that Mark was the bigger d-bag for putting the line of leadership in South Carolina in jeopardy by going off the grid to get a little nookie. However, John Edwards is hands down the bigger d-bag because of his cheating, fathering, and ultimately denying the child and affair all while his wife battled cancer. However, when it comes to political d-baggery, Rod Blagojevich held his own auction for a senate seat and pretty much is just an ass hat beyond that. Out of the international stage, Kim Jong-Il is losing relevancy and his marbles. He’s living in his own version of Oz and he claims to be able to make it rain better than Pac-Man Jones at a strip club. Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is truly a d-bag in his own right, and quite frankly, the holocaust was real but I think his presidency is the myth. So, that leaves you with Sarah Palin. She continues to keep kicking the dead fame horse and will do so for the next four years. Quite frankly, if she can maintain any sense of relevancy beyond 2010 I will be shocked. If she can do it, expect her to run for the GOP ticket. If the Republicans are dumb enough to think she can be their savior then they are really screwed. If they think like McCain did, they will try to use her to gain the popularity vote, hoping to influence the electoral college to vote for her but they will spend the next two years deprogramming and brainwashing her into a robot that will be able to follow the party line and not go rogue. The hollowed out shell of Sarahcuda will be nothing more than lipstick on an elephant.
Today’s competition was brought to you by Lens Crafters and Brylcream. Mahmoud Ahmadinejad’s wardrobe by Botany 500.
This heat will consist of a pageant of sorts. Each contestant will be judged on five areas of competition, Interview, Talent, Lifestyle & Fitness in Swimsuit, Evening Wear, and Onstage Question. Here are your contestants.
- Rod Blagojevich (Former Governor of Illinois)
- Sarah Palin (Former Governor of Alaska and Former Vice Presidential Nominee)
- Kim Jong Il (Leader of North Korea)
- Mahmoud Ahmadinejad (Leader of Iran)
- Mark Sanford (Governor of South Carolina)
- John Edwards (Fmr. Senator from North Carolina, Fmr. Vice Presidential Nominee, Fmr. Presidential Nominee Hopeful)
Our next interview is with John Edwards. Mr. Edwards, tell us what it is like to have been in the running for the White House twice and come up short? Um, who are you? Ok, we are being told that Mr. Edwards is claiming that he isn’t a d-bag and that his former campaign aide, Andrew Young is the real d-bag and should be interviewed. Mr. Edwards has also initially claimed that it isn’t even his d-bag even though he promised to be the d-bag after his wife dies of cancer and he will make a solid commitment to being the d-bag in a roof top ceremony with The Dave Matthews Band giving a performance. Wow, that’s two contestants out in the first round. I was really looking forward to the evening wear round for a look at John Edwards’ flawless hair.
Next up, another helmet haired contestant, Rod Blagojevich.
Fmr. Governor, what do you think was your biggest mistake while in office?
Blago: Not getting the money up front.
Good answer. What has life been like for you in 2009?
Blago: Hold on a second. Where’s the football?
Ok, it appears we need to take a minute for Rod to comb his hair. One of his assistants is bringing him a brush in a briefcase. I think he’s done now.
Blago: Ok, where was I? Yes, 2009. I think the year has been hard. I mean I got kicked out of office, I couldn’t be on I’m a Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here and travel restrictions have prevented me from really taking advantage of my post scandal fame. It’s a bummer, man.
Thank you Rod.
Now onto North Korean Leader Kim Jong-Il Dear Leader can you describe what it means to the people of North Korea that you are here competing?
Kim Jong-Il (Through Interpreter) Competing? There is no competition. I am magical and the best there is. No matter where I go, I bring North Korea with me. In fact, you are in violation of trespassing onto North Korean soil. You will be seized and be forced to work 12 years of hard labor. Guards.
Apparently, Kim Jong-Il is talking to a light stand and I think he might be a little demented. Um, we really can’t tell but we think he believes that he is surrounded by guards and that they are going to take me into custody. I think we better take a break until we can figure this out. Oh, there he goes for the boom mic. Yep, he thinks it’s an American drone ship. It appears that he is attempting to toss his pen at the microphone, spouting something about long range missiles but his aim is terrible. We’ll be right back.
We have successfully managed to negotiate my release as well as convince Kim Jong-Il that our green room was one of his palaces. Unfortunately, he has annexed it along with the Craft Services table and has built a fort with the chairs and blanket inside.
Next up, we have Iranian Leader Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.
Mahmoud, can you tell us what you believe makes you the biggest d-bag of 2009?
Mahmoud Ahmadinejad: (Inaudible response.)
I’m sorry Mr. President we couldn’t quite make that out. There seems to be a huge protest going on right next to us. It appears that numerous Iranian protesters are shouting something about fraud and scandal over your nomination. Hold on a second. Excuse me. You realize that this is an award for being the biggest D-bag of the year, right? Ok, the translator has relayed the message and now it appears that they are cheering Mahmoud Ahmadinejad on. I’m afraid we’ll have to skip the interview, however, due to continued disruptions.
Last, but certainly not.. well whatever, Sarah Palin.
Fmr. Governor Palin, that’s a lovely shade of red your pant suit has.
Sarah Palin: Why thank you. I picked up it at the RNC’s yard sale. It looks just like the one I wore on the campaign trail.
Um, Sarah, I believe that is the actual suit. I think the RNC is trying to recoup the costs of the campaign from last year. Now, you’ve had quite a busy year, your daughter, Bristol, gave birth just before 2009 started. Then her and Levi broke up, you gave up your office as Governor of Alaska and wrote a book. How do you find the time to stay so relevant?
Sarah: Oh well, you know, we Alaskans aren’t just up there on top of the world to keep the snow of the rest of, ya. We’re busy and we keep ourselves going on the notion that any day, some Russian could just show up unannounced on our beach. People always think that Red Dawn was a possibility. Youknow, that the Russians could move through Alaska and overthrow the United States. Well, I can tell you that would never happen. Alaskans are always vigil and could see a Russian attack coming because of the proximity. Those Ruskies would never make it out of the boats.
Ms. Palin, what you've just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.
We’re just going to end this round and catch up later. After a long day of competition we bring you this update.
During the talent portion of the competition Rod Blagojevich was disqualified for trying to sell John Edwards vacant position to the highest bidder, in attempt to pay off his extensive Paul Mitchell bills. Mahmoud Ahmadinejad performed a stand up routine but most of his jokes about Jewish people fell flat due to him not being Jewish. Sarah Palin wowed the crowd with a display of marksmanship as she successfully wiped out an entire species of rare wolves without reloading her automatic rifle. But by far, the star of the talent competition was Kim Jong-Il who simultaneously wrote and performed an aria while sinking an impressive hole in one on a 560 yard par five hole, that was completely under water.
During the Swimsuit competition, Sarah Palin appeared in what looked like a swimsuit but the judges are investigating that it really wasn’t Palin, from today, but a version of Palin from another competition. Kim Jong-Il showed up in a lovely one piece swimsuit, circa 1924 and Mahmoud Ahmadinejad wore a speedo that pretty much let us know he really wasn’t Jewish.
In evening wear competition, Sarah Palin busted out her old pageant dress and was nice enough to bring little Trig out with her. In fact, she spent more time showing off Trig than herself, much to the "oohs" and "awws" of the crowd. Kim Jong-Il forfeited when it was discovered that while he claimed to have designed and stitched his own tuxedo, in reality, sweat shop workers from North Korea were flown in to do the work. Mahmoud Ahmadinejad really didn’t impress us all that much as he came out in a tan suit, without a tie, and was unshaven.
In the end the all important event, the Onstage Question was ultimately thrown out. Quite frankly, we aren’t even exactly sure what happened, but Sarah Palin was asked a question and then she went into a three hour long rant that made absolutely no sense, and quite frankly I fell asleep during, only to wake up as she plugged her new book three times, brought Trig back out to get the crowd back into it and then she just stopped talking all together. She stood there for about three minutes and then walked off the stage. Mahmoud Ahmadinejad had already left, thinking that the entire competition was a myth.
So, it looks like everyone else was either disqualified or quit making Sarah Palin the winner of this round. We’d like to congratulate her but it seems that she’s off on another book signing, with Trig in tow.
Here’s the breakdown.
If you had to compare John Edwards to Mark Sanford, you could say that Mark was the bigger d-bag for putting the line of leadership in South Carolina in jeopardy by going off the grid to get a little nookie. However, John Edwards is hands down the bigger d-bag because of his cheating, fathering, and ultimately denying the child and affair all while his wife battled cancer. However, when it comes to political d-baggery, Rod Blagojevich held his own auction for a senate seat and pretty much is just an ass hat beyond that. Out of the international stage, Kim Jong-Il is losing relevancy and his marbles. He’s living in his own version of Oz and he claims to be able to make it rain better than Pac-Man Jones at a strip club. Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is truly a d-bag in his own right, and quite frankly, the holocaust was real but I think his presidency is the myth. So, that leaves you with Sarah Palin. She continues to keep kicking the dead fame horse and will do so for the next four years. Quite frankly, if she can maintain any sense of relevancy beyond 2010 I will be shocked. If she can do it, expect her to run for the GOP ticket. If the Republicans are dumb enough to think she can be their savior then they are really screwed. If they think like McCain did, they will try to use her to gain the popularity vote, hoping to influence the electoral college to vote for her but they will spend the next two years deprogramming and brainwashing her into a robot that will be able to follow the party line and not go rogue. The hollowed out shell of Sarahcuda will be nothing more than lipstick on an elephant.
Today’s competition was brought to you by Lens Crafters and Brylcream. Mahmoud Ahmadinejad’s wardrobe by Botany 500.
Saturday, December 19, 2009
2009 D-Bag Awards Heat Two: D-Bag Dads
In this match up we have three dads and a dead guy competing for the chance to move on to round two.
- Richard Heene
- John Phillips
- Jon Gosselin
- Roman Polanski
The heat is a bit lopsided as we have three live contestants and a corpse. That shouldn’t be too much problem as Team Phillips has submitted a substitution for John in the form of his daughter, Mackenzie Phillips, carrying the urn containing her Dad's ashes. As we await the start of the match some of the contestants are doing some unusual pregame warm-ups. Richard Heene is conducting some weather experiments and Jon Gosselin is trying to get the digits of some coed in the stands with a Penn State sweatshirt. Apparently there’s a frat party immediately after the match and he’s offering to make a beer run. I tell ya, he better focus on this competition instead of her Levis or he’s not going to fare too well.
Ok, as all the contestants and ashes of contestants come up to the line we get set to go. Now, for those of you unfamiliar with this contest, we’ll explain. The playing field contains numerous structures in which children are hidden. The object is for the fathers to locate their actual children among the structures. Now this will be a hard task for Gosselin as he has to find all eight kids, while Polanski and Heene have only two and three to look for. Mackenzie, standing in for her dead father has to find her half siblings and that gives her the edge because she’s already found herself, so she comes in one up on the others.
There’s the whistle and they’re off like a shot. Roman Polanski sneaks from structure to structure to avoid detection. His work is amazing as the camera really follows him well. The shots we are getting in the booth are fantastic. Jon Gosselin manages to find the older twins right away but loses them in a bitter custody battle with his wife. He seems to be distracted by another coed in the stands. Oh, look out. His wife whisked the kids right out from under him. We’ll have to get a judge’s ruling on whether or not that counts towards his final goal.
Mackenzie is taking the course one day at a time and seems to be unsure on whether or not she should check out a particular garage. She opens the door and there’s Chynna. Wow, that was an "Impulsive" move to check out the garage. Now, there’s a fight over allegations that their father carried on the affair with Mackenzie, while high. Chynna is saying "Release Me." This could be a setback for Mackenzie.
And where is Richard Heene? He’s still at the starting line conducting some experiment. Now, he’s done and heading out into the field. There are a few places he could start looking. My bet is the tethered Mylar balloon immediately to his right. But the crowd seems to be shouting at Richard to check the garage where Mackenzie Phillips found her sister Chynna. Apparently, they are yelling about Falcon being in the rafters of the garage. Oh, and now we have a new development, the balloon that was tethered to the field has just snapped its line and is floating away. Boy, you have to hate when that happens. You go to a sporting event and someone loses a balloon that just stops all the action as everyone turns to watch it float away.
As attention focuses back on the field we now have our first disqualification. Roman Polanski stopped looking for his children and followed a 13 year old girl into a replica of Jack Nicholson’s house. That’s not even the half of it. Chris Hanson and a troop of Swiss officers were waiting inside to ambush Polanski and he has been taken into custody. Turns out that 13 year old girl was really an undercover cop who just looks young for her age. Still, I don’t see how this is a disqualification for Roman…Uh oh, they found Quaaludes on him. Yeah, that’s the reason. Performance Diminishing drugs are a no-no. As Polanski is hauled away we can see his children Morgane and Elvis sitting with Mother Emmanuelle Seigner in the stands. It was all a ruse.
The remaining contestants have continued to scatter about the field. Gossellin has managed to find all but one of his kids and is constantly complaining about the lack of coverage he’s getting from the cameras. He also seems to be yelling at the officials over his compensation for appearing in the games. Well, that will hinder his performance a bit. Meanwhile, Richard Heene has found Falcon. He was indeed hiding in the attic and we’re waiting from a ruling on the field over whether or not Heene had previous knowledge about Falcon’s whereabouts. The other two kids are nowhere to be found but there is a rap video playing on the jumbo tron in the center of the field which looks to be starring Heene’s other kids. I think the FCC will have something to say unless we go to a seven second delay, here.
Mackenzie has just stopped searching for siblings and is instead doing a bunch of talk shows, so I guess we can count her out, too. Looks like we are down to Jon Gossellin and Richard Heene. Oh, wait. Spike TV offered Jon a talk show for single guys and he immediately dropped all of his kids. That leaves Richard Heene, who enticed his other kids out of hiding with a combination of Mountain Dew, pixie sticks, and the DVD box set for Deadwood. He is the winner. What a surreal finish.
Here’s the final breakdown.
John Phillips is dead so we can only take his daughter’s ramblings to anyone who will listen as evidence of the actual abuse.
Roman Polanski was the coyote to the Swiss Police’s roadrunner and fell for the old "Come-accept-this-reward" ploy. He was arrested and is finally going to start the proceedings into the case. Now, whether it will be a "rape, rape" case or just a rape case remains to be seen. The fact that this happened 30 years ago puts him out of the running as he is only guilty of being an idiot for getting caught in 2009. He would have won the 1978 award hands down.
Jon Gossellin is just in it for the money, so I say we just make him go away and hopefully he will take his ex-wife with him. That whole train wreck of a divorce and custody battle shouldn’t even be talked about let alone put on camera.
Richard Heene rises above the competition. Jon Gosselin may be a cheating scumbag who wanted to cash in on his 15 minutes but Richard Heene tried to buy his time by reporting an incident that never happened, wasted taxpayer money on the wild goose chase, including diverting air traffic from DIA. Not to mention, his kids are YouTube rap stars that just shows how bad of a parent this guy is. He needs to be taken to D-Bag prison camp and water boarded. But instead, he floats away to round two while we go around and collect the rest of Gosselin’s wayward children.
Today’s match has been brought to you by the medical doctors of Holder, Roper and Nutter. Physicians who specialize in proactively performing castrations on potential d-bags before they can procreate. They save the tax payers money and the general public much needed brain cells by disallowing idiots to reproduce exponentially in order to get a reality show. They are medical insurance friendly. If only they would have been around to stop Kevin Federline and The Duggars after kid four. Honestly, does she just have a zipper on her abdomen, or what?
Friday, December 18, 2009
2009 D-Bag Awards - Heat One: D-Bag Dogs
In the race to be the biggest D-bag of 2009, a few contenders thought it would be good to carry on affairs or be a bit of a dog, otherwise. In this heat we have four men who, throughout the course of the year, were caught with their pants down or wound up being exposed later on by no choice of their own.
Oh, there goes Barkley. He’s decided to just start driving erratically around the track with his female passenger. Apparently, he has somewhere to be in a hurry. Steve Phillips is sitting there checking his voice mail and, OH MY, Elin Nordegren is now on the track chasing down Tiger Woods’ in his Escalade with a golf club. She’s shouting something in Swedish about porn stars and pancakes. Tiger has attempted to elude his angered wife but has crashed into Charles Barkley. What’s Steve Phillips waiting for? Apparently, he is unable to go anywhere because a 22 year old production assistant is blocking the way. She’s literally laying down in front of his vehicle, preventing him from moving.
Meanwhile, Dave Letterman is apologizing and making jokes at his own expense. Tiger has crawled out of the wrecked Escalade, bruised and battered. Uh, Oh. The Escalade’s back door has opened up and as if this was some kind of circus clown car, 12 women climb out and scatter about the track looking for an open camera. Steve Phillips is still sitting there, now reading a pink slip from ESPN and his mistress is still laying in the middle of the track. She appears to be on her phone updating her myspace mood and Facebook status while playing Scrabble with Phillips son, online. Barkley is admonishing Tiger for not coming clean about the affairs and Dave Letterman is doing a Top Ten List.
It’s a hell of a day at the races.
Here’s how it all stacks up.
Dave Letterman came clean about the affair in front of a Live Studio Audience and even though he did have an extensive affair with one of his employees he pretty much disqualifies himself from contention after he admitted to everything and took it on the chin.
Charles Barkley had a moment of blood rushing to the wrong brain and ran a stop sign on his way to get some you know what from a female passenger. He was driving under the influence and was arrested. His endorsements dried up but came back after they realized that no one really saw the relevance of Barkley as a personality anymore.
Steve Phillips did a huge disservice to his family by picking a nut job for a mistress but furthermore he brought his work home with him since Hundley decided to friend his son, write his wife and show up on their lawn. He lost his wife and his job.
However, above all of this nothing can outshine the mess that was Tiger Woods’ affair(s). This whole business unraveled faster than Tiger’s game at the HSBC Champions match in November. The accident triggered the media frenzy speculating that his wife did not “rescue” him from his wrecked Cadillac but actually chased him after she found out he had an affair. Then Tiger started racking up more mistresses that almost rivaled his championship record. How he was able to keep this all going is still a mystery but I think we haven’t heard the last of this yet. More women, more secrets, more lost endorsements are in Tiger’s future and probably all before the Masters in 2010, if he even plays. Of these four dogs, Tiger is the biggest D-Bag of 2009. He moves onto the next round.
Today’s race has been brought to you by the new iPhone App Cheetah. Inspired by Tiger Woods’ intricately woven illusion of wholesome image and naughty night life, the Cheetah App allows you to plan, track, reschedule and juggle all your mistresses from your iPhone. You can set alerts and tasks to remind you of their names and what they like to do for fun. Hit the quick shot button and you’ll have an instant canned phrase that not only compliments your mistress on her looks but also serves to instill her with the confidence that she’s the only one for you. The Cheetah App also comes with a wife tracker. Constantly know where your wife is at all times with this GPS goodie that allows you to avoid capture while you are leaving voice mails for your vixens. The best feature of this app is that with the push of one button, all your indiscretions automatically switch off and are hidden from view. If your suspicious spouse gets a hold of your phone all she’ll find is a list of Christmas gifts you’ve been planning to buy her and a huge ass rock from the jeweler that you are eyeing up for her. The Cheetah app makes your smart pone smarter.
- Tiger Woods (Pro Golfer)
- Charles Barkley (Former Pro Basketball Player and Talk Show Host)
- Steve Phillips (Former NY Mets Manager and ESPN Baseball Analyst)
- Dave Letterman (Late Show host and comedian)
Oh, there goes Barkley. He’s decided to just start driving erratically around the track with his female passenger. Apparently, he has somewhere to be in a hurry. Steve Phillips is sitting there checking his voice mail and, OH MY, Elin Nordegren is now on the track chasing down Tiger Woods’ in his Escalade with a golf club. She’s shouting something in Swedish about porn stars and pancakes. Tiger has attempted to elude his angered wife but has crashed into Charles Barkley. What’s Steve Phillips waiting for? Apparently, he is unable to go anywhere because a 22 year old production assistant is blocking the way. She’s literally laying down in front of his vehicle, preventing him from moving.
Meanwhile, Dave Letterman is apologizing and making jokes at his own expense. Tiger has crawled out of the wrecked Escalade, bruised and battered. Uh, Oh. The Escalade’s back door has opened up and as if this was some kind of circus clown car, 12 women climb out and scatter about the track looking for an open camera. Steve Phillips is still sitting there, now reading a pink slip from ESPN and his mistress is still laying in the middle of the track. She appears to be on her phone updating her myspace mood and Facebook status while playing Scrabble with Phillips son, online. Barkley is admonishing Tiger for not coming clean about the affairs and Dave Letterman is doing a Top Ten List.
It’s a hell of a day at the races.
Here’s how it all stacks up.
Dave Letterman came clean about the affair in front of a Live Studio Audience and even though he did have an extensive affair with one of his employees he pretty much disqualifies himself from contention after he admitted to everything and took it on the chin.
Charles Barkley had a moment of blood rushing to the wrong brain and ran a stop sign on his way to get some you know what from a female passenger. He was driving under the influence and was arrested. His endorsements dried up but came back after they realized that no one really saw the relevance of Barkley as a personality anymore.
Steve Phillips did a huge disservice to his family by picking a nut job for a mistress but furthermore he brought his work home with him since Hundley decided to friend his son, write his wife and show up on their lawn. He lost his wife and his job.
However, above all of this nothing can outshine the mess that was Tiger Woods’ affair(s). This whole business unraveled faster than Tiger’s game at the HSBC Champions match in November. The accident triggered the media frenzy speculating that his wife did not “rescue” him from his wrecked Cadillac but actually chased him after she found out he had an affair. Then Tiger started racking up more mistresses that almost rivaled his championship record. How he was able to keep this all going is still a mystery but I think we haven’t heard the last of this yet. More women, more secrets, more lost endorsements are in Tiger’s future and probably all before the Masters in 2010, if he even plays. Of these four dogs, Tiger is the biggest D-Bag of 2009. He moves onto the next round.
Today’s race has been brought to you by the new iPhone App Cheetah. Inspired by Tiger Woods’ intricately woven illusion of wholesome image and naughty night life, the Cheetah App allows you to plan, track, reschedule and juggle all your mistresses from your iPhone. You can set alerts and tasks to remind you of their names and what they like to do for fun. Hit the quick shot button and you’ll have an instant canned phrase that not only compliments your mistress on her looks but also serves to instill her with the confidence that she’s the only one for you. The Cheetah App also comes with a wife tracker. Constantly know where your wife is at all times with this GPS goodie that allows you to avoid capture while you are leaving voice mails for your vixens. The best feature of this app is that with the push of one button, all your indiscretions automatically switch off and are hidden from view. If your suspicious spouse gets a hold of your phone all she’ll find is a list of Christmas gifts you’ve been planning to buy her and a huge ass rock from the jeweler that you are eyeing up for her. The Cheetah app makes your smart pone smarter.
Thursday, December 17, 2009
2009 D-Bag Awards
It’s getting close to the end of the year and here at M.A.M.S. we’d thought we’d look back at 2009 and see who was the biggest d-bag of all. When I say “we” I mean “me” and the voices in my head. 2009 was quite the year for d-baggery. Usually, in case like this, I would do a straightforward list. But I wanted to be a little different and thought it would be fun to pit these folks against each other for my amusement. The worst part about it is having to only choose 32 competitors. There were a lot more that I wanted to include but felt that the field would be too diluted.
The remaining few weeks of 2009 are filled with retrospective lists of pop culture goodness. Unfortunately, to compete with everyone else, the demand for supremacy ultimately causes some list makers to miss out on crucial proponents of their topic that occur after press time. I have been planning a list of the biggest d-bags of 2009 and had hoped to publish them before the end of the year but had I done so I would have missed out on one of the biggest stories of the year. So, I waited and tried to gather more research in order to bring you a more complete list. Unfortunately, this project comes right at the busiest time, the holidays.
I had such hopes to do something exciting and different with this post. I had it all planned out as a March Madness style tournament that would bring matchups between nominees based on their area of d-baggery using bracketology. I just don’t have the time to be that creative and the scope of this project is way beyond me, so let’s just do this as simple as possible. So, here are the list of nominations in their matches. We’ll go from there.
D-Bag Dogs
The remaining few weeks of 2009 are filled with retrospective lists of pop culture goodness. Unfortunately, to compete with everyone else, the demand for supremacy ultimately causes some list makers to miss out on crucial proponents of their topic that occur after press time. I have been planning a list of the biggest d-bags of 2009 and had hoped to publish them before the end of the year but had I done so I would have missed out on one of the biggest stories of the year. So, I waited and tried to gather more research in order to bring you a more complete list. Unfortunately, this project comes right at the busiest time, the holidays.
I had such hopes to do something exciting and different with this post. I had it all planned out as a March Madness style tournament that would bring matchups between nominees based on their area of d-baggery using bracketology. I just don’t have the time to be that creative and the scope of this project is way beyond me, so let’s just do this as simple as possible. So, here are the list of nominations in their matches. We’ll go from there.
D-Bag Dogs
- Tiger Woods
- Charles Barkley
- David Letterman
- Steve Phillips
- Jon Gosselin
- Richard Heene
- John Phillips
- Roman Polanski
- H1N1
- Salmonella
- Death
- Conrad Murray
- Rod Blagojevich
- Sarah Palin
- Kim Jong Il
- Mahmoud Ahmadinejad
- Mark Sanford
- John Edwards
- Lindsay Lohan
- Megan Fox
- Heidi and Spencer Pratt
- Ryan Jenkins
- Chris Brown
- Kanye West
- Chad Johnson
- Manny Ramirez
- Wall Street
- Auto Industry
- Fox
- NBC
- Raj Rajaratnam
- Bernie Madoff
Thursday, November 5, 2009
Dead Guy In A DirectTV Ad
I very rarely watch commercials anymore. Any regular reader knows of my love/hate relationship with my DVR. When I am watching the tube, I spend most of time fast forwarding through ads to get to the rest of the program I recorded months ago and haven’t watched or I am pretending to ignore the screen all together in an effort to not divulge my secret addiction to Sprout. I am mesmerized by the repetitive nature of the programming and wonder who the hell watches children’s programming at 4:00 in the morning? My two year old is already taking control and knows that I can call on Caillou or Dragon Tales at any time of the day just by pushing that big long button at the top of the remote.
But, back to commercials. On occasion, I will slow my forward momentum to catch a quick trailer for a new movie or video game. It was on one of these fast forward furloughs that I caught the latest DirectTV commercial featuring David Spade and a somewhat alive Chris Farley. We all know how DirectTV runs their ads. They take a popular movie and intercut new footage with one of the actors who breaks the fourth wall during the scene to schlep the service. Usually, a body double is used to continue the action of the real movie in order to seemingly splice together a pop culture moment with a crummy commercial. What alarmed me was that the scene, with David Spade selling his soul to the satellite service, was the “Fat Guy In a Little Coat” bit from Tommy Boy.
I shouldn’t be shocked. DirectTV isn’t the first company to sell their product using a dead star in its pitch. After all, aptly named Dirt Devil used Dead Astaire to sell a mop in 1996 and Dirt Devil wasn’t even the first to use a dead celebrity to sell something. Five years earlier, Natalie Cole did it with her album, Unforgettable… with Love. Granted she was paying tribute to Nat King Cole with the album, but the videos creeped me out because it looked so much like she was using her father’s celebrity to sell the album. And even earlier, Hank Williams Jr. did a duet with dear old dad Hank Sr. in 1989, which also featured a music video of Father and Son together. So why has the ad touched off a bit of a media buzz over good or poor taste? Call it timing.
First off, according to an interview with David Spade, both he and the family of the late comedian were approached about the commercial and the family gave their blessing. Second all, what exactly are people up in arms about? From a lot of the net chatter people are creeped out by the timing and intent of the advertisement. A few folks pose have been asking, “Is it TOO SOON?” and “Did Spade sell out his friend?”
Too soon for what? Chris Farley died 12 years ago. How long is the statute of limitations on using a dead goofball comedian in a television ad? It can’t be that we are somehow more endeared to Farley, now, then when he was alive. I loved Tommy Boy and Farley on SNL was the third renaissance of the 35 year old show, but it’s not like Chris Farley was John Candy or Jackie Gleason. So, why go with the adage of “It’s too soon” to explain disgust?
To that end, DirectTV’s series of ads has tread upon this ground before with a commercial featuring Craig T. Nelson reprising his role from Poltergeist. The commercial shows footage from the movie with the late Heather O’Rourke in the iconic “They’re Here” scene. O’Rourke died in 1988 and people still found it creepy. Going back to through DirectTV’s ads we can find another instance of a deceased character used to sell the service. I say it was way too soon to use the Queen Xenomorph in a commercial. I still can’t go near an airlock without breaking down into a sobbing mess. Sorry, I just can’t get away from that bitch.
I have another opinion on the ick factor with the Farley ad. It isn’t that it’s too soon, it’s that this year has been wrought with the death of pop culture icons. 2009 has seen the death of at over 20 distinct fixtures from the world of pop culture in Michael Jackson, John Hughes, Ed McMahon, Farah Fawcett, Patrick Swayze, Soupy Sales, David Carradine, Lou Albano, Mary Travers, Henry Gibson, Dom DeLuise, Les Lye, Eunice Kennedy Shriver, and Ted Kennedy. Dredging up the memory of another dead celebrity just seems to be in poor taste this year. Like I said, equating Chris Farley to say Soupy Sales or Henry Gibson is a bit of a stretch but realize that Chris Farley made his mark in the entertainment world and now the generation that grew up and identifies with him as a peer is now the same generation that is owning a home and paying for satellite service. He’s as much as an influence their lives as say Michael Jackson was on my generation and Soupy Sales was on my parents’.
The other problem with the advert is the content. I’m not suggesting there is anything wrong with a fat guy in a little coat, but Chris Farley isn’t the one pitching DirectTV, David Spade is. Granted, I don’t think you can go through a lot of Tommy Boy and find a David Spade specific moment that doesn’t get overshadowed by Farley’s Tommy Boy Foolery. “Fat Guy In a Little Coat” is as much Farley’s moment as “They’re Here” was Heather O’Rourke’s. Those are the things that you remember from those films, not David Spade’s reaction to Farley ripping the back out of Richard’s coat. It was simply a poor choice in scenes.
I can think of two scenes that would have served to highlight Spade’s character, one was the hotel scene where he gets caught watching a skinny dipper at the pool. That’s not exactly a good sell for DirectTV unless you are selling their adult programming. The other, which I think would have been more appropriate, would have been the scene where Richard is discovered to be wearing a toupee after an engine fan revs up and blows his off his head. At that moment, David Spade could have broke the fourth wall and spoke directly to the audience with that bald head and flapping toupee and it would have been chuckle worthy. After his pitch, he reattaches the rug and goes directly back into the original footage. That would have been more acceptable because it was a scene directly involving his character.
The bottom line is that both Farley’s family and Spade gave consent to the commercial, although I can’t imagine what consent Spade had to give over the use of the footage. He was Farley’s dear friend but I don’t think he has anything to do with the actor’s estate. It might have been him consenting to appear in the commercial. Who knows?
So, in my book, the spot was a little creepy for the subject matter but not worthy of the national attention it has received. After all, the number one movie at the box office over Halloween weekend was a movie about a dead celebrity and it wasn’t fictional. Apparently, it wasn’t too soon for the audience to shell out over 20 million to see the final rehearsals of Michael Jackson’s This Is It tour.
But, back to commercials. On occasion, I will slow my forward momentum to catch a quick trailer for a new movie or video game. It was on one of these fast forward furloughs that I caught the latest DirectTV commercial featuring David Spade and a somewhat alive Chris Farley. We all know how DirectTV runs their ads. They take a popular movie and intercut new footage with one of the actors who breaks the fourth wall during the scene to schlep the service. Usually, a body double is used to continue the action of the real movie in order to seemingly splice together a pop culture moment with a crummy commercial. What alarmed me was that the scene, with David Spade selling his soul to the satellite service, was the “Fat Guy In a Little Coat” bit from Tommy Boy.
I shouldn’t be shocked. DirectTV isn’t the first company to sell their product using a dead star in its pitch. After all, aptly named Dirt Devil used Dead Astaire to sell a mop in 1996 and Dirt Devil wasn’t even the first to use a dead celebrity to sell something. Five years earlier, Natalie Cole did it with her album, Unforgettable… with Love. Granted she was paying tribute to Nat King Cole with the album, but the videos creeped me out because it looked so much like she was using her father’s celebrity to sell the album. And even earlier, Hank Williams Jr. did a duet with dear old dad Hank Sr. in 1989, which also featured a music video of Father and Son together. So why has the ad touched off a bit of a media buzz over good or poor taste? Call it timing.
First off, according to an interview with David Spade, both he and the family of the late comedian were approached about the commercial and the family gave their blessing. Second all, what exactly are people up in arms about? From a lot of the net chatter people are creeped out by the timing and intent of the advertisement. A few folks pose have been asking, “Is it TOO SOON?” and “Did Spade sell out his friend?”
Too soon for what? Chris Farley died 12 years ago. How long is the statute of limitations on using a dead goofball comedian in a television ad? It can’t be that we are somehow more endeared to Farley, now, then when he was alive. I loved Tommy Boy and Farley on SNL was the third renaissance of the 35 year old show, but it’s not like Chris Farley was John Candy or Jackie Gleason. So, why go with the adage of “It’s too soon” to explain disgust?
To that end, DirectTV’s series of ads has tread upon this ground before with a commercial featuring Craig T. Nelson reprising his role from Poltergeist. The commercial shows footage from the movie with the late Heather O’Rourke in the iconic “They’re Here” scene. O’Rourke died in 1988 and people still found it creepy. Going back to through DirectTV’s ads we can find another instance of a deceased character used to sell the service. I say it was way too soon to use the Queen Xenomorph in a commercial. I still can’t go near an airlock without breaking down into a sobbing mess. Sorry, I just can’t get away from that bitch.
I have another opinion on the ick factor with the Farley ad. It isn’t that it’s too soon, it’s that this year has been wrought with the death of pop culture icons. 2009 has seen the death of at over 20 distinct fixtures from the world of pop culture in Michael Jackson, John Hughes, Ed McMahon, Farah Fawcett, Patrick Swayze, Soupy Sales, David Carradine, Lou Albano, Mary Travers, Henry Gibson, Dom DeLuise, Les Lye, Eunice Kennedy Shriver, and Ted Kennedy. Dredging up the memory of another dead celebrity just seems to be in poor taste this year. Like I said, equating Chris Farley to say Soupy Sales or Henry Gibson is a bit of a stretch but realize that Chris Farley made his mark in the entertainment world and now the generation that grew up and identifies with him as a peer is now the same generation that is owning a home and paying for satellite service. He’s as much as an influence their lives as say Michael Jackson was on my generation and Soupy Sales was on my parents’.
The other problem with the advert is the content. I’m not suggesting there is anything wrong with a fat guy in a little coat, but Chris Farley isn’t the one pitching DirectTV, David Spade is. Granted, I don’t think you can go through a lot of Tommy Boy and find a David Spade specific moment that doesn’t get overshadowed by Farley’s Tommy Boy Foolery. “Fat Guy In a Little Coat” is as much Farley’s moment as “They’re Here” was Heather O’Rourke’s. Those are the things that you remember from those films, not David Spade’s reaction to Farley ripping the back out of Richard’s coat. It was simply a poor choice in scenes.
I can think of two scenes that would have served to highlight Spade’s character, one was the hotel scene where he gets caught watching a skinny dipper at the pool. That’s not exactly a good sell for DirectTV unless you are selling their adult programming. The other, which I think would have been more appropriate, would have been the scene where Richard is discovered to be wearing a toupee after an engine fan revs up and blows his off his head. At that moment, David Spade could have broke the fourth wall and spoke directly to the audience with that bald head and flapping toupee and it would have been chuckle worthy. After his pitch, he reattaches the rug and goes directly back into the original footage. That would have been more acceptable because it was a scene directly involving his character.
The bottom line is that both Farley’s family and Spade gave consent to the commercial, although I can’t imagine what consent Spade had to give over the use of the footage. He was Farley’s dear friend but I don’t think he has anything to do with the actor’s estate. It might have been him consenting to appear in the commercial. Who knows?
So, in my book, the spot was a little creepy for the subject matter but not worthy of the national attention it has received. After all, the number one movie at the box office over Halloween weekend was a movie about a dead celebrity and it wasn’t fictional. Apparently, it wasn’t too soon for the audience to shell out over 20 million to see the final rehearsals of Michael Jackson’s This Is It tour.
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