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Thursday, April 1, 2010

The Expendables Might Come With High Deductibles

OK, here’s an idea I would have loved to sit in on when it was pitched.

Sylvester Stallone walks into an almost gothic looking executive office. There are recently sacrificed virgins on pikes around a desk made of botox injected starlet flesh. The grim visage of a soulless Hollywood executive looks at Sly and says,

“Impress me, mortal.”

Sly curls his lip, sucks back some human growth hormone and clears his throat. “Uh, ok. What we’re going to do is take every blockbuster action hero from the 80s, mix in some from the 90s, and a few from the present and put them all in a film together.”

An executive looks up from his plate of fresh baby livers and says, “Oooh, I’m intrigued. Go on. Who do you have in mind?”

“Sylvester Stallone, Bruce Willis, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Jet Li, Jason Statham, Dolph Lundgren, Terry Crews, Mickey Rourke, and Steve Austin.”

Wiping the sacrificial blood from his lips the executive says, “What about The Rock?”


“Wait a minute, is this a sequel?”




“Video game?”


“Comic Book?” “No.” “Old television show?” “No.” “Japanese Horror film?” “No” “Commercial about talking babies trading stocks.” “No.”

Executive frantically looks for button that opens the floor that will drop this insolent human into a pit of starved and rabid KardashLohan monsters. “Damnit. Where is it? DORIS! WHERE’S MY BUTTON? Oh, well. You’ve got a deal. I’ll give you $70 million for a budget.”
Honestly, WTF? (Internet slang quota per post reached) It’s like Hollywood crept into every 30 something male’s home while they was sleeping, checked out the titles in their vintage VHS collection, drank some of the out of date milk, leafed through a Mix Tape Collection then went in and stuck that thing from Batman Forever on their heads in order to suck out all their thoughts about action movies. With the information they all went back to their evil volcanic underground lairs complete with sharks and piranhas and gold painted women and devised the ultimate action movie. The fact that this is neither a sequel to or remake of any other movie almost scares me into thinking that someone is really paying attention out there. Unfortunately, this movie will probably fail for whatever reason whether…

A: It plain Sucks
B: Isn’t a remake or sequel
C: It’s not directed by Judd Apatow or starring Sacha Cohen, Bradley Cooper, or Amy Adams.

“Well does it at least have any CGI characters?”


“Alright, $80 million but you are going to have to get your own health care coverage for all those old actors.”

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