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Showing posts with label action. Show all posts
Showing posts with label action. Show all posts

Thursday, April 1, 2010

The Expendables Might Come With High Deductibles

OK, here’s an idea I would have loved to sit in on when it was pitched.

Sylvester Stallone walks into an almost gothic looking executive office. There are recently sacrificed virgins on pikes around a desk made of botox injected starlet flesh. The grim visage of a soulless Hollywood executive looks at Sly and says,

“Impress me, mortal.”

Sly curls his lip, sucks back some human growth hormone and clears his throat. “Uh, ok. What we’re going to do is take every blockbuster action hero from the 80s, mix in some from the 90s, and a few from the present and put them all in a film together.”

An executive looks up from his plate of fresh baby livers and says, “Oooh, I’m intrigued. Go on. Who do you have in mind?”

“Sylvester Stallone, Bruce Willis, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Jet Li, Jason Statham, Dolph Lundgren, Terry Crews, Mickey Rourke, and Steve Austin.”

Wiping the sacrificial blood from his lips the executive says, “What about The Rock?”

“No.”

“Wait a minute, is this a sequel?”

“No.”

“Remake?”

“No.”

“Video game?”

“No.”

“Comic Book?” “No.” “Old television show?” “No.” “Japanese Horror film?” “No” “Commercial about talking babies trading stocks.” “No.”

Executive frantically looks for button that opens the floor that will drop this insolent human into a pit of starved and rabid KardashLohan monsters. “Damnit. Where is it? DORIS! WHERE’S MY BUTTON? Oh, well. You’ve got a deal. I’ll give you $70 million for a budget.”
Honestly, WTF? (Internet slang quota per post reached) It’s like Hollywood crept into every 30 something male’s home while they was sleeping, checked out the titles in their vintage VHS collection, drank some of the out of date milk, leafed through a Mix Tape Collection then went in and stuck that thing from Batman Forever on their heads in order to suck out all their thoughts about action movies. With the information they all went back to their evil volcanic underground lairs complete with sharks and piranhas and gold painted women and devised the ultimate action movie. The fact that this is neither a sequel to or remake of any other movie almost scares me into thinking that someone is really paying attention out there. Unfortunately, this movie will probably fail for whatever reason whether…

A: It plain Sucks
B: Isn’t a remake or sequel
C: It’s not directed by Judd Apatow or starring Sacha Cohen, Bradley Cooper, or Amy Adams.

“Well does it at least have any CGI characters?”

“No.”

“Alright, $80 million but you are going to have to get your own health care coverage for all those old actors.”

Friday, February 26, 2010

The Action Hero Respawned

A lone hero against almost insurmountable odds. Slim chances of survival. A constant barrage of bad guys with big guns and unlimited ammo. These are the makings of an action movie from my childhood. After Star Wars allowed the Science Fiction genre to make the jump to hyperspace, George Lucas and Stephen Spielberg set their sights on terra firma and the old days of the Republic Serials. Instead of robots with lasers, Nazis with lugers were the bad guys. A treasure with biblical ramifications was the MacGuffin if you will, or plot device that grabs your attention, pulled you along the story towards its conclusion.

Regardless of the plot or other devices like Big Dumb Objects and Alien Space Bats (look them up), Raiders of the Lost Ark and the rest of the Indiana Jones movies, save the last one, all had one distinguishing feature that changed the action adventure genre, the not so good, good guy. After all, Indiana Jones was labeled a tomb robber and he didn’t exactly wear a white hat. His neutralities aren’t explicit but he’s willing to not give a shit about someone if it doesn’t figure into his plan. He even grabs one women by the throat and threatens to choke her. He does however, take umbrage at child abuse and slavery in the second film. Yet, for his lack of true north on a moral compass, Indiana Jones also possesses a sense of wry humor and mortality. Something that went away with the Schwarzenegger and Stallone action heroes, who never show pain and never run out of ammo. Jones was an ordinary Joe in extraordinary situations and he never missed an opportunity to make light of his human faults. He could bleed and be hurt and took note of how much he was at times, “It’s not the years, it’s the mileage.”

If Indiana Jones was the hero of childhood, then the high school and college crowd could identify with characters like Martin Riggs in Lethal Weapon and John McClane in Die Hard. They were still ordinary people in ordinary professions, namely police officers who became embroiled in extraordinary scenarios that tested their mettle. They were also flawed. Riggs was semi suicidal over the death of his wife and somewhat crazy. McClane had a problem with authority and had bad habits like smoking and drinking, which Riggs also did. Riggs and McClane represented a more noir style of hero, a sort of detective with vices that doesn’t always get to be the hero and doesn’t always save people. Still, what made them similar to Indiana Jones was their ability to make light of their shortcomings and take a punch. They also talked and said things during a fight that was more realistic than just getting hit and hitting back. McClane taunted his gargantuan opponent in Die Hard, “You should have heard your brother squeal when I broke his f**king neck.”

But multiple sequels diluted the brand and extensive copycats killed the genre of the thinking man’s action hero. The 21st century ushered in a new crop of action heroes with Rick O’Connell from The Mummy franchise and Ben Gates from National Treasure's. While O’Connell was more for blowing away his opponents, Ben Gates rarely, if ever uses a weapon to settle differences. Still, the idea that a quirky action hero with faults and idiosyncrasies helped humanize the character and made him more relatable to audiences of Americans who watch while gulping down buttered popcorn, sugary soda, and milk duds. Soon, however, the history was neglected and the same old problems caused the franchises to sink into the abyss of repetition, over exposure, and disbelief of premise, even if the premise was supernatural in nature. Speaking of O’Connell, another action star was born out of the sequel. Dwayne Johnson was poised to take the baton of blockbuster action hero and the passing was sort of even acknowledged in The Rundown in which Arnold Schwarzenegger makes a cameo. “Have fun” was his only line and was said in passing of Johnson.

Yet, after three action films, Johnson didn’t quite capture the same amount of street cred as an action hero like Stallone and Schwarzenegger. He was very well spoken and articulate and had the opportunity to make the landscape of Hollywood his playground. Instead he chose to be more conscious of “the brand” and took to more kiddie and family fair with films like The Game Plan, Race To Witch Mountain, and The Tooth Fairy. It certainly has been more profitable for him. If you compare his family films which show a gross revenue of more than $661 million vs. his action films which show only a bit more than $287 million in gross revenue sales. If you like, you can add the $443 or so million from The Mummy Returns despite him only being on screen for a few minutes. The end was more CGI then actual acting and that is why I removed it. I will not discount that his presence helped attract more viewers but he certainly was not top billed.

With the role of the action hero being more about personality over physicality, the chance for stars like Christian Bale, Matt Damon and Daniel Craig came about and in 2008 the hopes that a familiar man with the not so white hat would save the landscape of action adventure films without the need for pirates or mutant powers, or a batmobile. Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull promised to return the fanman back to the fanboy status he so nostalgically waxed on message boards and blogs. However, the film was a shame. While it’s kind of neat to see a hero or protagonist find himself in over his head physically, the action side of Indiana Jones seemed more akin to braving the crowds at a Bob Evans on a Sunday after church. Hey, it’s hard for the young folk, too. Still, we were promised a return to the golden age of 80’s geekfare. CGI was supposed to be reserved for some background images and other things but it was clear that old school SFX trickery was not in use. Although, the aliens looked rather cheesy like their 1950s counterparts but I can’t decide if that was intentional or just a bad batch of interns at Lucasfilm.

But what should have been realized by Hollywood was that a new brand of action hero was being reborn… er respawned into existence. This one was shorter than the rest and even wasn’t even all that real, but he managed to make huge waves, in my opinion, among the troubled waters of the Hollywood Action Hero. That hero is Nathan Drake and the film isn't a film.  It's a video game series for the Playstation 3 called Uncharted.

Until 2007, the Playstation mascot was pretty much whoever was the leading protagonist of the currently released Grand Theft Auto title. However, a full year before Indiana Jones dusted off the fedora, Nathan Drake hit the shelves in Uncharted: Drakes Fortune. Sadly, I did not pick up the game and resisted it from the outset. I downloaded the demo and found the controls harder than normal, especially using grenades. The demo contained one of the most frustrating levels which involved being pinned down in a jungle setting among what looked to be like a courtyard ruins. It is nearly impossible, for me anyway, to complete that section without running out of ammo, which leads me to run headlong into the fray to duke it out with a baddie to get his gun. Because of that demo, I pretty much stayed away from the game for nearly three years. Boy, was I missing out.

It’s kind of fitting though, because had I actually played the whole game before seeing Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, I would have probably imploded. Taking a few years to shrug off the damage to my childhood perpetrated by Spielberg and Lucas I was able to come back around and get into Uncharted. If you haven’t played it or the sequel you are missing out on what are probably the greatest action movies not on film or television.

The hero, a supposed descendant of Sir Francis Drake has all the faults and quirks that had embodied Indiana Jones, John McClane, and Martin Riggs. He’s a lovable jerk who can run and gun and still be a dick to people with a smile. Game play notwithstanding, the true treasure of this series is the script and cut scenes. The acting and motion capture of the characters is a near perfect facsimile of real life. Nolan North, whose name sounds almost like an action hero, gives Drake a sense of humor and humility. The guy goes throw so much crap and gets hurt, a lot, but still has the balls to call someone an asshole. The catchphrases are not catchphrases here. There’s no, “Hasta La Vista” or “Yippie Kay Yay” to cling to, just, “Keep smiling asshole” and “ Oh, crap.” And it’s not like he’s some piece of beefcake to entice girl gamers like Lara Croft was to guys. He has not extraordinary features and has a typical look but it’s the personality that makes him so likeable.

I spent a week on Uncharted and a week on Uncharted 2, all of which will be drooled over by me in an upcoming post. I While I made it a point to try and collect ever single bauble on screen in part one, I’ve completely forgotten about picking up treasures because I’m so engaged by the action. Now, I’m not just talking about the actual game play. I’m speaking about the integration of cinematics and cut scenes into the story. It all flows seamlessly. To use an example, in games like Grand Theft Auto, which I also love, you have an open world. You travel from place to place and do missions. Each mission starts with a cut scene or setup and then it switches back to actual game play. In Uncharted, you could be walking along and then a tank just bursts through a wall at you or a bridge gives way and you suddenly surrender control of the game to this second or two of action and then you are back to running and it all happens without loading or cutting away of the action. Naughty Dog found a way to tie actual game play to storyline without sacrificing atmosphere and commitment from the player. The timing does not skip a beat. You feel like you are playing a movie more than a game because of the constant interplay of movies and NPC action that pushes the character along. Not to mention, the storyline is compelling and the acting is top notch.

Take note Hollywood, Naughty Dog has succeeded where you have severely failed in bringing back the action hero. Unfortunately, there is talks for a movie in the works which can only mean epic fail is on the horizon for the newly crowned king of the action hero genre. Talks are still early and hopefully Uwe Boll will be nowhere near this project lest it suck more than it probably will. Looking at what happened to the reigning queen of action video games, Lara Croft, when she was put into two lackluster films, I’d hate to see how bad Hollywood could screw this up.

Of course, you’ll have to get someone into the role of Nathan Drake and I fear the usual Hollywood machine will try to turn this film out with Bradley Cooper, Matthew McConaughey, Gerard Butler, or Ryan Reynolds taking the lead role. Might I make a suggestion? If you’re going to do it, why not use the guy who created the character, Nolan North. He kind of has the look of Drake in the game and after all, it was his physical form that was used to model the character using motion capture suits. He definitely has the acting chops for the dialogue and given the proper weight and free climbing training he could totally pull it off.

Sadly, I know this will not be the case. The only other acceptable substitution could be that of Nathan Fillion. He actually happens to be a year younger than North. Eddie Cibrian has the facial look, Josh Duhamel has the physique but truthfully, I think Nolan North should be the only real choice for the film. I think from a game fan standpoint you appease a huge concern over a movie being made not to mention those unfamiliar with the film will be drawn in by the everyman appeal of a virtually unknown actor except those trained to pick up his voice from other video games. I also feel the inclusion of a bunch of lesser known actors would do wonders for its credibility among the other game to film projects. Once again, can we say Tomb Raider and Doom?

Then again, to pull this off would be nothing short of an action hero’s regular day. The odds of success are against you. The amount of bad guys in Hollywood coming at you with all kinds of unlimited crap. Slim chances of survival at the box office. Sounds like the perfect scenario for Nathan Drake. Hail to the new king of Action Heroes. Have fun, but don’t get comfortable.

Friday, May 8, 2009

Friday Night Remote Fight: Best Movies to Kick Off the Weekend

WARNING:
The post you are about to read contains dangerous levels of sugar and caffeine. Side effects include lethargy and feelings of euphoric childhood fantasies.
Consult a blogger.

Friday night. It’s a magical and mysterious thing. Surviving another long week seems almost worth it when you have this to look forward to. Some people have big plans to hit the clubs or some other event. Here in Pittsburgh, there’s a little thing called the NHL Finals going on and we’re down a game to the Capitals, so you know a majority of Pittsburghers will be either in the Mellon Arena at the game, outside the Mellon Arena watching the game on the Jumbotron, or in a bar watching the game on television. But what about the rest of us?

There was a time when I lived for Friday nights. Somewhere in my socially deprived mind I thought that if I didn’t go out somewhere, anywhere, on Friday night I was missing out on some sociological event that would go down in the annals as EPIC! Usually, that meant hanging out at the mall or even in my day, the roller rink. Yeah, for a brief period between the years of 1986 and 1990 I would make it a point to go to my local rink and just be. Of course, that meant be by myself, spend a couple dollars on Rolling Thunder or Xenophobe, watch other people couple skate, and then go home.

Then there were some Friday nights, during my early teenage years, that I just spent up in my room. Ok, it’s not what you’re thinking. This was about 1987 or 1988 and my brother had been in college at the time. Our first home computer took the form of an Apple IIc and my brother’s roommate had volumes of floppy disks with games on them that he copied for me. Now, the degree of advanced graphics and sound cards were still years away but even the simplest of games like Conan or Bruce Lee kept me busy for hours. It would be nothing for me to grab a can of Pepsi, a bag of Doritos, turn up my RUSH tapes, and not be seen again until Saturday morning at 7:00 AM when I had to get up for my paper route. How pathetic is that?

What kind of childhood was that? It was like the real life equivalent of the first twenty minutes of Weird Science, before the bras on the heads. Although, I kept waiting for my bedroom door to explode and have Kelly LeBrock standing amongst the smoky rubble just waiting for me to utter the simplest command. Never happened for you either? John Hughes was such a lying prick, wasn’t he?

Still, I remember, with fondness the days, when Friday meant I was done for the week. It was the time when my brain could just shut down and I could spend the next two days just crashed out in my “play clothes.” There wasn’t a child that needed tending to. There wasn’t a yard that needed to be mowed. I wasn’t responsible for taking out the trash or making sure the litter boxes were clean. It was all about the pleasure principle, and I don’t mean a Janet Jackson album.

Looking back at my childhood, I continually mount a pretty good case for being born too soon. There was of course the Power Wheels defense of 1983. That was just the tip of the iceberg, the smallest visible portion of the massive amount of technological innovations that developed over the years of my life. Those advancements in fun always seemed to be geared towards the demographic just below my age range, robbing me of the latest and greatest in media, toys and other escapist devices. While video game consoles are probably the greatest missed opportunity, the advancement in home theater and movie offerings through DVD and cable providers ranks a close second.

Yes, young Whipper Snappers, you there with your Twit-ster and Space-Book have all the hook up in gadgets and distractions of heroin addict whose house just landed in a Ozian poppy field. OhgodohgodDorothyDorothypoppiesfieldpoppiesfield... (ten points for you old timers that get that moldy oldie reference to geekdom.) I’ve become the Luddite equivalent of my parents talking about walking to school, uphill, both ways, in three feet of snow, but I’m explaining how, in my day, we had to sit in a certain order on the couch and touch the lamp just so we could keep our fuzzy reception of HBO visible. We dared not move or the audio track would go from somewhat discernible to that repetitive “cheet, cheet, cheet,” sound. It was like the whispers from Friday the 13th, set to the speed of Chipmunks and blasted like a Greek chorus, chanting over and over again that we were “cheating” the cable company, yet we continued to fine tune our

I mean, God help me if I was alone. I had the skills of a SETI radio technician, fine tuning the little knob on the device that clipped onto the back of our television, just so I could see the glimpse of a fuzzy pair of breasts from Revenge of the Nerds late at night. You kids, with your DVRs and your Blu Ray. Bah! You don’t know how stressful it was to have only five minutes to return a VHS rental and then realize you had to rewind the damn thing. If only I would have been born in 1985 I’d be knee deep in WoW and failing my Rocks for Jocks that I needed to graduate with a degree in Undeclared Arts. I’d be Netflixing the entire Second Series of Dr. Who while searching for another little jug of iced tea from 7-11. This would all be done simultaneously while texting my friends and updating my status while recruiting more people for my Mafia and send them all flair based on how much I hate Twilight.

But, I’ve gone completely off the point as I tend to do in my pop culture dementia. The entire point of this ever disintegrating rant is to highlight a selection of popcorn confectionery cinema treats that are best served reheated and with copious helpings of greasy, shop delivered pizza and carbonated beverages. This selection is a prime example of a childhood gone completely off the reservation. This is the kind of pre pubescent nostalgia that has you up until way past midnight, fixated on your glowing screen in a quasi reversed Ludovico technique. Instead of causing an aversion to the images and acts on screen, you wake the next day and head out into your backyard or neighborhood, engrossed in an intense imaginative state, reenacting the best scenes from the film. In your possession is a broken stick that doubles as a sword or rifle and you are clad in a newspaper hat and a cape fashioned from your Mother’s hand knitted afghan.

So, here we go. Settle down into that butt shaped groove you’ve made into the couch, Rochambeau your loved one or best friends for the remote with that killer Paper/Lizard/Spock combo move you’ve developed and let the brain take the night off, you deserve it. Now, I’m sure I will have missed some more of the classics and well established films but this is just a sampling.

Comedy

Dude, where’s My Car?
Half Baked
Stripes
Superbad
Old School
Ghostbusters
(Could technically be listed under Sci-Fi)
Weird Science (As could this)
Big Trouble in Little China
Heathers
Shaun of the Dead (
It splits the genre with Horror)
Meatballs
Caddyshack

Horror

Christine
Evil Dead I and II
(Dead By Dawn is more comedy but let's keep it where it's at)
The Lost Boys
Halloween (1978)
The Thing
The Frighteners
Bubba Ho-Tep
Night of the Living Dead
Cabin Fever
Final Destination
Grindhouse
Poltergeist
Jaws

Adventure

Raiders of the Lost Ark
National Treasure
The Goonies
The Mummy
Jurassic Park
Romancing The Stone
The Three Musketeers (1993)
Ladyhawke

Action/Fighting

Kill Bill
Kung Fu Hustle
Crank
Die Hard
First Blood
Commando
Predator
Point Break
Bad Boys
Hot Fuzz

Sci-Fi/Fantasy

Fellowship of the Ring
Terminator
The Running Man
The Matrix
Escape From New York
Tron
Aliens
Close Encounters of the Third Kind
Stargate
Independence Day
Akira
Six String Samurai
The Black Hole
Back to the Future
Underworld

Those of you who can’t turn your mind off for 2 hours.

Donnie Darko
12 Monkeys
Strange Days
Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
Memento
Paycheck
Pi
North by Northwest
Cube
Close Encounters of the Third Kind

Rom/Com

The Princess Bride
The Wedding Singer
Sleepless in Seattle
Only You
One Fine Day
10 Things I Hate About You
Failure to Launch

Just be sure to wipe the drool from the corners of your mouth when you're done. Have a good weekend and Let's Go Pens!

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