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Friday, May 20, 2011

Velocity Rapture

The end is seriously nigh, maybe.

It could be, or it won’t.

Your mileage may vary.

Tomorrow, May 21st, 2011 is the supposed day of Judgment. The Rapture. The straight to video Kirk Cameron movie. Repent! Genuflect! Sashay! Turn, turn, ball change kick turn!

I for one look forward to the quickened commute I will face on Monday. Not to mention, everyday errands will be much easier to accomplish without the crowds. I would say that Black Friday would be a great experience except that it’s after the end of the world.

But what about the variables concerning this end of days prediction.

Will Australia spoil it for everyone else, since they’ll be first in line? Are we going to hit that magical number of 144,000 before they get to NYC? What about Samoa? They are changing the placement of the International Dateline.

What if you are aboard the Space Shuttle Endeavour? Will you just vacate your space suit during an EVA or are your SOL because you chose to be away from the Earth when it’s time to be called in for the big dinner in the sky?

What about babies? If you aren’t baptized, are you sticking around? In a coma? Sleeping because you have the night shift? My wife kicks me when my alarm goes off and I don’t hear it. She’d be pissed if I wasn’t there and she had to roll over and turn it off herself.

How many people will call off on Monday only to find out that the Rapture didn’t come?

How many Catholic priests will still be in mass on Sunday? (Insert parting of hair jokes here.)

Those signs on the Parkway East that estimate travel time will go nuts. “Estimated Travel Time to SQ. Hill Tunnels: Zero Minutes”. Frankly, tomorrow would be the best time to hack into the signs and put something funny like, “Estimated Time To Rapture: 25 Minutes” (thanks to Lesley for that one.)  Here's another great prank courtesy of Six Feet Under

In all seriousness, yet not, I feel bad for the people who really believe in this stuff. Tomorrow will be like their Great Pumpkin moment. They’ll be like the Cincinnati Bengals’ fans in December. Always close to the playoffs but never making it very far. I mean how would you feel if you gave up your job, your family, everything to go about preaching the end of the world coming only to find out some guy forgot to carry the one? I mean he’s already screwed up once in 1994.

Let’s face it. The bible is a good story. It was written by a bunch of people and much like today’s movies, they’ve rebooted the franchise numerous times. Supposedly, Moses wrote the first five books during the forty years that he wandered around in the wilderness. Should have been drawing a map. “That rock looks vaguely familiar.” But just like every culture, the story is changed to suit the purpose. Every religion has its own telling of creation and the apocalypse. Which one is right? The answer; all of them and none of them.

No one person got the story right and IMO that’s what it is, a story. Fantastical events occurred for everyday occurrences. With no knowledge of modern science they were chalked up to some sort of higher power. We have a world population of almost seven billion people but only 144,000 are getting saved. Surely, in the last 100 years there have been more than 144,000 righteous people born. What about them? Is there a name cutoff? Is there a lottery? Is there a reservation process?

So, Monday, I’ll be posting and the same amount of people that read today will be here. Well, that is unless you just don’t care.

And just in case I am wrong… I’m taking your stuff.

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