WUMF: May Edition

Another month, another WUMF.   So, what's happening my little droogies?

That much, huh?

May has been one of those weird months. I probably say that every WUMF update but really, May was weird.

1. Mother Nature is ragging it extra hard.
I know I added Mother Nature to the list of nominees for the d-bag of the year award in my last update. But May was an even bigger nature fail. Between the flooding along the mighty Mississippi to the destructive tornadoes that ravaged Joplin, Missouri, Mother Nature has been asserting her will upon us. Somewhere, Mark Wahlberg is saying the trees are out to get us.

Remember, you can donate to the Red Cross by texting 90999 from your mobile phone or by going to the Red Cross website and donating from there, if you’re like me and don’t have a data plan.

2. From Super Bowl MVP to Mirror Ball Champ
This past season of Dancing With the Stars was a little more exciting than the past couple. First of all, I wasn’t planning on ever watching the show again because that was my Mother-in-law’s thing. We would all go out to dinner on Tuesday nights and have to get our asses moving so she could see the elimination. Frankly, that show could be condensed into one hour. They really drag things out and plug a lot of commercials for it which is a drag for me.

However, since it was announced that Hines Ward would be competing, I figured I’d give it another go. Still, I would just put my cable box on ABC and do whatever. Then I would go back and find his dances, watch them and move on to something else. Usually, I am on the Wii with my Father-in-law hunting any manner of animal and would pause to go back and let my wife watch the dances.

Both those concepts bring me to my entire point. With the NFL in lockout mode, the athletes are kind of just left out in the cold. While other Steelers are tweeting and making the PR team within the front office spin their heads around, Hines did something constructive, if not a bit egotistical. He went out in front of millions of people and entered a dancing competition.

Now, there are guys; those manly man with man hands, rough from working in the pits of blue collar America who will sit there and say, “Yinz are crazy if yinz think I’m gonna be watchin’ Hines twirl arahnd like a ballerina on that Dancing show, n’at.” Fine. Be that way.

Then there are those guys that think that Hines being on DWTS somehow makes him less of a man. Well, especially since he cried real manly tears after his partner got hurt. However, I dare any one of those supposed butch men to walk up to Lynn Swann or Eric Dickerson and call them something akin to being soft. See how well that goes for you. Ballroom or Latin dancing is not akin to putting on tights and prancing around on Swan Lake. It is a workout. It is a hard thing. It is manly. It takes a lot of skill and discipline to do the amount of work he did in the amount of time he had to do it. Lay off of him for that. Besides, we know you watched when he was in the finals. Come out of the television reality/competition closet and admit it. He was good. He deserved to win. However, I don’t think Pittsburgh needs to have a parade to celebrate that fact.

The fact is that if there is a football season, this year, Hines will be in better shape at training camp than he’s been in years. Truthfully, he’s going to need it to continue to compete against the young guys.


3. Not a Fan
As I have said before I listen to 93.7 The Fan on my way to and from work. I am not usually a guy who would call into a show because a lot of the Fan is bullshit. They start these inane topics, sometimes one that incite certain feelings on either end of the spectrum baiting people to call in to air their opinion. Half of the time, they pull the pin on a grenade and then toss it into a Zambelli warehouse and watch the show.

Case in point, they ran a topic a couple of weeks ago asking fans to weigh in on who their most hated sports figure is. It would be easy for me to say Tom Brady, Chad Johnson or Ray Lewis. But I had a more entertaining story to tell. That is one I have often told to people as well as posting it on this blog.

How funny would it be to get onto a live radio program and tell them that I hate Rocky Bleier? I don’t, of course. I would simply tell the tale of how my wife hates Rocky Bleier, even to this day. It’s an awesome story with a great ending. So, I called in to the show. I actually got through on the third try and they put me on hold.

The thing to remember about calling into this show is that their hold music is the show, so you can turn down your radio to eliminate feedback, considering they are on a delay in order to be able to censor anything inappropriate. So, I sat in traffic from the Forbes Ave exit through the Squirrel Hill tunnels, waiting to get on the air. During this time, Joe Starkey, John Seibel and Josh Miller all bandied around their picks and their critiques of other people’s picks. They went to a few commercials and really didn’t take a lot of calls, infuriating me.

As to not sound like a jackass, which I am prone to do in public speaking venues if I don’t rehearse; I ran through my tale to cut it down for time and clarity. After waiting about 20 minutes, I had the feeling they were finally coming to me. Then I heard, “Was that [my name] we cut off…” and the phone went dead.

I waited twenty minutes to be hung up on by a D-bag DJ. Thanks a lot guys. I had an awesome story and you blew it. I will never call in again… well, maybe once to tell Ron Cook and Andrew Fillipponi they are the biggest idiots in sports radio.

4. The Rapture That Wasn't
We all survived.  Didn't we?  I was a little worried there because the Monday and Tuesday after the supposed Rapture, I saw little traffic on my way to and from work.  For about a minute I was convinced that maybe it did happen and I could coast my way in under an hour.   No such luck.  By Wednesday, traffic was back to normal and on Friday, it took me over two hours to get home. 

It was unreal.  I didn't find out about an accident at Edgewood / Swissvale until I was past the I-79 exit.  Not that it would have mattered since there was an accident at the S-curve of I-79 North, backing up traffic there.   I hit the standstill at the end of the Fort Pitt Bridge and made the gutsy move to try and traverse downtown in favor of the Strip District in order to go through Bloomfield and Shadyside.   That was a big mistake, too.   I made it to Point Breeze and Penn Ave was at a standstill because of an accident up in Wilkinsburg.  I was sitting at lights sometimes two or three cycles long.  I eventually decided to bypass traffic using a side street.   Here's a tip for you, if you ever try doing this, always turn right.   I turned left and when I decided to get back on Penn, I had to fight against traffic to turn left and nearly got creamed by a PAT bus looking to run the red light.

Anyway, back to the Rapture.  When is the class action lawsuit, I wonder.  After all, Harold Camping made a ton of money off of promoting the coming of the rapture.  Granted, he neither explicitly asked for money and what monies he did receive were mostly used for advertising.  However, he probably came away with a lot of cash for his radio network and organization.  So, my question is, "What does God need with a starship?" 

That obscure reference is to Star Trek V: The Final Frontier.  In the inferior, odd numbered, sequel in the series, the Enterprise is hijacked in order to find the location of Sha Ka Ree, the place of creation in the universe.  On the planet, they supposedly find God who needs a starship to leave the planet.  Well, you get the idea.   My use of that quote asks what does Harold Camping need with money if he plans to be taken in the Rapture?  He can't spend it.  He can't take it with him.  

So, why do people feel compelled to give him money?   Are they simply adults who are capable of their own actions or are they people who have been suckered based upon the playing on their devout beliefs of salvation through cryptic biblical references?   For the most part I think people should be responsible for their own actions but if a relative of mine was duped in a scam because they went after a weak spot in their armor, like family or faith, you better believe I'd be on the scammer like a fat kid on cake. 

In any case, we get another shot in October for Camping to be right.  And when that day comes to pass and we're all still here, maybe someone will go after this guy full force.   He was wrong in 1994 and didn't make another prediction until 2011.  Now, he's got a second prediction six months away.  Seems if he knows his time on this Earth is about up and I don't think because he knows when the Rapture is.





And that’s another WUMF update for you. See you next month.

Velocity Rapture

The end is seriously nigh, maybe.

It could be, or it won’t.

Your mileage may vary.

Tomorrow, May 21st, 2011 is the supposed day of Judgment. The Rapture. The straight to video Kirk Cameron movie. Repent! Genuflect! Sashay! Turn, turn, ball change kick turn!

I for one look forward to the quickened commute I will face on Monday. Not to mention, everyday errands will be much easier to accomplish without the crowds. I would say that Black Friday would be a great experience except that it’s after the end of the world.

But what about the variables concerning this end of days prediction.

Will Australia spoil it for everyone else, since they’ll be first in line? Are we going to hit that magical number of 144,000 before they get to NYC? What about Samoa? They are changing the placement of the International Dateline.

What if you are aboard the Space Shuttle Endeavour? Will you just vacate your space suit during an EVA or are your SOL because you chose to be away from the Earth when it’s time to be called in for the big dinner in the sky?

What about babies? If you aren’t baptized, are you sticking around? In a coma? Sleeping because you have the night shift? My wife kicks me when my alarm goes off and I don’t hear it. She’d be pissed if I wasn’t there and she had to roll over and turn it off herself.

How many people will call off on Monday only to find out that the Rapture didn’t come?

How many Catholic priests will still be in mass on Sunday? (Insert parting of hair jokes here.)

Those signs on the Parkway East that estimate travel time will go nuts. “Estimated Travel Time to SQ. Hill Tunnels: Zero Minutes”. Frankly, tomorrow would be the best time to hack into the signs and put something funny like, “Estimated Time To Rapture: 25 Minutes” (thanks to Lesley for that one.)  Here's another great prank courtesy of Six Feet Under

In all seriousness, yet not, I feel bad for the people who really believe in this stuff. Tomorrow will be like their Great Pumpkin moment. They’ll be like the Cincinnati Bengals’ fans in December. Always close to the playoffs but never making it very far. I mean how would you feel if you gave up your job, your family, everything to go about preaching the end of the world coming only to find out some guy forgot to carry the one? I mean he’s already screwed up once in 1994.

Let’s face it. The bible is a good story. It was written by a bunch of people and much like today’s movies, they’ve rebooted the franchise numerous times. Supposedly, Moses wrote the first five books during the forty years that he wandered around in the wilderness. Should have been drawing a map. “That rock looks vaguely familiar.” But just like every culture, the story is changed to suit the purpose. Every religion has its own telling of creation and the apocalypse. Which one is right? The answer; all of them and none of them.

No one person got the story right and IMO that’s what it is, a story. Fantastical events occurred for everyday occurrences. With no knowledge of modern science they were chalked up to some sort of higher power. We have a world population of almost seven billion people but only 144,000 are getting saved. Surely, in the last 100 years there have been more than 144,000 righteous people born. What about them? Is there a name cutoff? Is there a lottery? Is there a reservation process?

So, Monday, I’ll be posting and the same amount of people that read today will be here. Well, that is unless you just don’t care.

And just in case I am wrong… I’m taking your stuff.