How Are Kids Even Alive Today?

I should be writing my dissertation on the finale of LOST but that’s just way too much work. Instead, I’m dragging out the old soap box for another edition of “THOSE DAMN KIDS!” This week I want to look at a couple of stories, old and new, about trends in what could be considered the end of civilization.


First off, the hot dog. For what it’s worth, these things are going to kill you anyway. American hot dogs are probably one of the worst foods to ever be created. The hot dog looks at the Double Down and says, “Pfft, amateur.” Besides being lovingly referred to as “containing lips and assholes” the amount of nitrates and salt in the things would probably make Ghandi say, “No thanks. I’m full.” In fact, the one thing that sticks out in my mind from being a child and loving hot dogs was the notion that if I eat too much, I’ll get ass cancer.

But the biggest “Damn Kids” moment comes from a recent story about the changing the hot dog. According to multiple sources around the Internet, which is never wrong, pediatricians are asking for a change in how the hot dog is designed. Why? Because of the threat of kids choking on one. In a wonderfully monochromatic pie chart, the percentage of food related, non-fatal choking hazards was around 60%. Actually, I’d be worried if that number was any lower. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want to see kids choke but if they are looking at things that kids actually choke on, food better be above coins and toys or anything else. If not, then what the hell are kids putting in their mouths and why are we not addressing that?

Now get this, one of the solutions was thought up by the guy who invented Steakums. I am astounded by this. I lived on Steakums my freshman year of college. It was a food group alongside Kraft Macaroni & Cheese, Rama Noodles, Pizza, and Beer. I almost lose respect for the guy because he is enabling people to be idiots. I suspect the number one reason kids choke on food is attributed to parental stupidity. Still, the fact that kids choke on anything is terrible and I’ve been through that scare with my daughter. She was still an infant and I was feeding her applesauce mixed with rice cereal and she got a little stuck in her throat. Did I panic? No. Did I do the Heimlich? No. I simply reached in with my finger and removed the obstruction. Now, my daughter is almost three and loves hot dogs. Hell, we had them for dinner last night. And you know how she ate them? My wife cut the hot dog in half and told her to take small bites. When that became too messy as the bun disintegrated from being too wet from the juice in the dog, she held the hot dog and said, “Here take a bite.” Otherwise, we cut the hot dog up into small bites and she can eat them off her plate.

So, spending millions of dollars on redesigning the hot dog, which has been the same since probably the 1400s, seems silly when the proper solution would be to use a fork. It costs less and does the trick nicely.

Next up, “THOSE DAMN KIDS AND THEIR FADS.” When my sister was in her teens there was a fad that swept the nation. One little toy became a must have among people in her generation. It was called the pet rock. It was literally in a bock with an instruction manual. Genius! When I was in school ten years later we had fads, too. They were called friendship pins. Do you know what they were made out of? Safety pins and beads. Now we have things called Silly Bandz which is a rubber band bracelet. KIDS ARE WEARING OFFICE SUPPLIES AS FASHION!?!?!? But, But, I say BUT, again, they are becoming band in schools? Why? They are a distraction. No…. School is boring.

You have to understand that a typical kid around the age of 9-13 has little attention span and that’s mostly the fault of today’s parenting and tech savvy-instant gratification-technology. Kids are already being made to conform to a dress code, sometimes even stricter than office casual Fridays. Their identity and individuality is being stripped from in pieces right down to how they can wear their hair. The more you try to jam them into a one size fits all container the more they will bust out of that mold. They’re growing and evolving and we’re trying to stop that. I’m all for rules but let’s not be crazy here. My generation didn’t disrupt classes or learning by sporting a safety pin with colored beads on our shoe. Why is it so hard today? Why are we just fine and kids today are so screwed up that they have to be threatened by the fun vampires?

I understand there was a some kind of bracelet debacle a couple of years ago where the bracelets had some kind of hidden meaning for how far the wearer would go, intimately, but come on, you could code the same messages with anything. I have a red pony tail holder today, I go all the way. I’m wearing a yellow one, that means I like pina coladas and getting caught in the rain. Hell, the way someone wears their hair could be code for stuff like that. It doesn’t matter because there is something inherently wrong with the way kids process information today. There’s too much out there and parenting doesn’t have a good governance plan put into place.

I have been adamantly stating that I was born too soon and that being a kid in today’s world would be awesome because of all the things available to make life fun but I don’t know now. I think life would suck because people can’t be trusted… correction some people shouldn’t be trusted with raising a child. They are ruining it for everyone else. I mean we played with lawn darts! LAWN DARTS! We stood twenty feet apart and threw pointy objects at each other for fun! You never heard us complain about toys. We rode big wheels in the streets and baked real cakes with 100 watt bulbs. We ate dirt and played tackle football at recess. And you know what? Not everyone got to play at every soccer game and there were winners and losers. We learned that from day one. At the end of the game someone’s taking a lap because they couldn’t hit the cut-off man from right field. Hell, kick ball is too dangerous now? We used to climb ropes to the ceiling of the gym.

Classroom safety, there’s another one. “In the event of an emergency, everyone exit the room, except you Johnny. Make sure you open the windows and turn off the lights before leaving the room.” Remember that one? Yeah, there’s a big ass funnel cloud coming at the building and some poor bastard gets left behind to try and salvage the electric bill. Of course, our parents had it worse. In the event of an atomic bomb, they were supposed to hide under their desks. Apparently, desks in those days were shielded for radiation, regardless of the open space beneath them.
Honestly, how are kids even living today?

From the path of truth, John Hughes hath led me astray.

Warning, this entry contains cheese.

"OW, OW, CHICK, CHICKA-CHIC-KAAAAAAAAAA"

Oh Yeah! I did it. I just threw the most clichéd 80's-Teenage-Comedy-Movie-Soundtrack's First Cut right at ya! Don't mess me with me. I know the Crane Technique.

Where did I go wrong? I studied every single one of their movies. I memorized countless witty comebacks sure to leave even the most Zabkaesque of bullies quaking in their British Knights. Still, I was never named prom king for leading the class in a ridiculous, yet catchy, group dance set to a hit song by a pop synth band that prominently featured a keytar. I was never able to become a mythical corporate executive at a Manhattan company just by occupying an empty office and attempt to overthrow the cheating boss. My athletic abilities never blossomed so that I could successfully ski the K-12 with only one ski. How could I have failed? Let's go over my entire game plan and see what mistakes I made.

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Step 1:
Establish myself as the social outcast in my school

This shouldn't be too hard. Even if I was not already considered an outcast, I should forgo all status I have by moving to nearby school where no one will suspect I am really undercover, writing a tell all expose for the school paper. If possible, try to find a school in a town where dancing has been outlawed or has a really crappy varsity sports team that I can turn into state champs with a rousing speech. I must make sure to keep the illusion of ineptitude by only sitting with those who make life decisions by tossing a 12 sided die.

I will attract the attention of the stock character known as "The Bully." I will know who he is by the three typical friends that follow him around like puppies.

• Big muscle-bound dumb jock
• Skinny smart mouth shop kid with a knife
• Tubby whipping boy who will eventually be swayed to my side once I overthrow the bully's reign.

Seek the bully out on the first day of school by spilling my lunch on him and/or embarrassing him by accident. Allow him to get the better me of until April, so that I can spring my plan into action.

Step 2:
Make things worse

Step 2 involves alienating myself further by developing an insane crush on the head cheerleader/prom queen. She should have the following features.

• Big blonde hair
• Big boobs
• Failing some class that I instantly become an expert on so l can tutor her.
• Dating or recently broke up with "The Bully."

Meanwhile I will become soul mates with the resident "Bailey Quarters." She must wear baggy clothes like sweaters and long skirts as to hide the fact that she is even hotter than the trophy girl. She must be a brunette, wear glasses, and be smarter than Ken Jennings. She has to help me in my quest while falling hopelessly in love with me. I will then spurn her advances in favor of the trophy girl and my ultimate goal of uber cool.

Step 3:
Set up the competition

Once I have established myself as the underdog, I must throw down the gauntlet with the bully and be pulled into some sort of ridiculous competition that I am completely outmatched at. If it is a sporting event that I have no skill at, it must be something that will allow me to use my intellect to overpower "The Bully." If it is a race I should use my ingenuity or the ingenuity of the local nerds to bypass the conventional route, which will be used by the bully giving him a false sense of security. I will become the tortoise to his hare. This duel will be scheduled the day before the prom to allow me to gain favor among the socially inept and undesirable members of the student body, which even though they outnumber the ruling class of bullies/jocks/pretty folks, they cower in fear at the idea of standing up for themselves.

The coolest of all nerds, if there is such a thing, will instantly become my friend on the first day or will be my cousin, either works. He will use his vast network of dorks to secure everything I need in my quest. He will sneak me into his headquarters through a hidden secret passageway, opened only through an unused locker; He will be able to procure anything I need. At some point I will be given detention for something as a show of defiance or strategic planning and will bond with other outcasts, forming a lasting friendship that will only end after high school.

Step 4:
Extreme Makeover Montage.

Wallflower girl will assist me in transforming my image from geek to chic. The first phase will be to step into the shower and magically, through the use of soap and mousse, turn into a heartthrob. My complexion will be flawless and my hair will perfectly feather. Phase two will require an unlimited supply of money, which I will have possession of through no means of explanation. I will go on a shopping spree where I will try on several ugly and uncool outfits, all meeting plain girl's disapproval. The last outfit I try on will be perfect one winning approval. Make sure it is durable in its design. I will be wearing this outfit for the next 4 months. This entire makeover should take roughly 3 minutes and be set to an inspirational pop rock song which will be instantly a hit.

Afterwards, at the food court, we will share a soda and form an emotional bond. At some point, I have to nearly kiss her only to pull away, cementing her complete and utter devotion to me. The sexual tension will be explosive but I must not lose sight of my goal.

Step 5:
Turn the tables

Unveil the new me by strutting down the crowded hallways of school turning heads and dropping jaws. Make sure to be seen by Trophy Girl who is standing at her locker being harassed by "The Bully." She will leave him in a huff and hang on my arm. He will be unimpressed but begin to doubt his hold on the school. He may, in fact, conspire with a teacher of similar rat-like morals to sabotage me.

That night I will be go on a single date with the trophy girl. At the end we will, most surely, make out. If at all possible secure a copy of Led Zeppelin IV and play side one. Plain Jane will see me kissing Trophy Girl and watch as we slip down out of view in the kick ass ride I borrowed from the Vocational Tech department. The next day, my plain friend will ignore me and not speak to me for the rest of the school year, until prom night. I should also alienate my nerd buddy at some point by beginning to shun nerdom and only hanging out with the cool kids. Don't worry, I'll apologize to him and all will be forgiven in Step 6.

Step 6:
Win the day

With only a few members of my nerd following to stell help me in the competition, I will start out falling behind "The Bully." He will cheat to gain a tremendous lead. He will even employ some kind of sabotage tactic executed by his three friends or the rat-like teacher on his side. I will then battle back to a photo finish, completing the task with half of the equipment I started out with and ultimately beat the bully in our all or nothing competition for social supremacy. This will again last about 3 minutes and will be set to an up-tempo rock song.

Afterwards, "Trophy Girl" will make her last minute choice of accompanying me to the prom, where by some stroke of luck, I will have a tux that matches her dress perfectly. Wallowing in his defeat, "The Bully" will set about to attack me with his friends as backup that night. He could even be drunk. I must remain alert and careful as he will probably take a cheap shot at me even though his physical prowess outweighs mine.

Step 7:
Get Crowned

That night I will arrive to the prom, fashionably late, after picking up the uber hot trophy girl. Her dress will obviously accentuate her curves and will make me drool. We will arrive halfway into the prom, interrupting the dancing. Everyone will cheer and congratulate me on my victory.

At some point, the band will point the spotlight at me and I will be cued to lead a "four wall line dance," creating the moves on the spot. After one verse, everyone will become an expert and join in, declaring it the neatest thing since sliced bread. This will all occur just moments before the announcement of the Prom King and Queen.

"Trophy Girl" will of course be named Queen while "The Bully" will expect to be named King. He might possibly be making his way to the stage, not realizing I will be named instead. The newly crowned couple, Me and "Trophy Girl" will begin to slow dance. Out of nowhere, the bully will appear, behind me, drunk and fuming. I will dismiss his attempts at enticing me to fight and must turn my back on him, leaving him an open shot at me. He will take advantage of my blind spot and will knock me to the ground, instantly stopping the music with a sound like a needle scratching across a record. This show of violence will succeed in clearing an eight foot radius around us. I will slowly get to my feet and think of how to fight since I will have forgot to add that to the montage earlier in the year.

Be prepared for one of three things to happen.

• I will suddenly be given the ability to fight using some weird move I learned 6 months ago in a undeveloped subplot or thrown away sequence. It will only take a couple of seconds and will render "The Bully" unconscious. Everyone will then dance on top of him.

OR

• The nerd brigade will somehow have been invited or will crash the prom, coming to my defense. Lacking dates and given the new found courage to rise up, they will probably show up to overthrow the ruling class and will stand in between me and "The Bully" causing him to back down and leave. It could be possible that they will not show up at all due to all night marathon of Star Trek: The Original Series. Be prepared and check the TV guide.

OR

• "The Bully" will attempt to make his friends do the fighting for him. They will have a change of heart and embrace their inner geek, leaving the bully to fight his own battle.

In any case, the bully will lose. He will leave, never darkening the math lab again. After the entire crowd cheers my second victory, I will then be asked to perform with the band. NOTE TO SELF: Go back and remember to learn guitar in Step 4, it will be important. Oh, and make sure to lean back to back with the keytar guy during your solo.

Step 8:
Get the girl

Accomplishing everything I could ever hope for in the span of 9 months, I will then throw it all away. My "Trophy Girl" date will attempt to embrace me, but I will thank her politely and inform her that I really don't want to be with her. She is everything I will ever hope to have, yet I will toss her aside because I spot my "Plain Jane" friend at the entrance of the gym. She will have traded her pleated skirts for a slinky prom gown that shows off her awesome figure. Her straight and pulled back hair will be styled perfectly causing her to have destroyed the ozone layer wherever she goes. Just by removing her glasses she will become instantly attractive to me and I will make my way to her, groveling and apologizing immensely. She will in turn conveniently forget my previous transgressions and join me in another round of the line dance as we close out the night. Meanwhile, my sidekick nerd who has been by my side the whole year will end up with the prom queen or one of her hot friends.

Results:

I will turn in my article for the school paper and be given a full scholarship to some prestigious university where my newly transformed girlfriend is also attending. We will live happily ever after and everything will freeze perfectly still while a final song plays, preferably "We Are the Champions."

Additional Steps:

At college, I will perform dorm room pranks while switching my major to engineering so that I can work on a top secret government project that can only be completed by extremely bright slacker college kids with no respect for authority. My best friends in the world will gather at a local watering hole where we will have our own table and will all end up betraying each other. We will slowly grow up and fogive each other as we come to grips with our fear of life after college.

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Nope, no mistakes were made. I still don't get it. It should have worked. I should be the CEO of a major company or at least a dotcom billionaire married to Shannon Tweed.

Damn you John Hughes, damn you Val Kilmer, damn you Brat Pack! This sucks. Now if you'll excuse me I have to get ready for my shift at Captain Hooks Fish and Chips and my sister's hot friend is about to get out of the pool. I don't want her to walk in on me in the bathroom....while I'm.......swabbing the deck.

By the way, What the Fµ¢k is a Chinese Downhill?