The Year Of the Magnificent Bastard

He’s suave.  He’s sneaky.  He's a cad.  He's a dick.  He’s lovable?

Yes, the magnificent bastard is a character.   He is one that has his own agenda and has every angle covered.  Just when you think you have him cornered, he slips through your grasp.  And you have to admire how he does it.  But there is more to being a Magnificent Bastard than being evil.

He’s lovable.  He’s the antihero.  He’s a swashbuckling, smuggling, whisky swilling sonofabitch that you just have to adore.   By the end of the story, you’ll be rooting for him.  He’ll probably take off with your purse, but come back to help save the hero when he’s most needed.

The Magnificent Bastard has morals and a code.  He’s not there to impress you, he’s there to get the job done.  He’ll be the one that walks into the bar and owns the place.  He’ll notice you, over there with an empty drink, trying to get service, and with a flash, he’ll have the bartender’s attention and will have your drink refilled along with his.   As much as you don’t agree with his stance or his methods, you have to respect the asshole for being true to his craft. 

He’s a lovable jerk with witty repartee that doesn’t mince words.  You better be of quick and rapier like wit if want to engage him.  And don’t think that brute force will be the best way to beat him, because the harder you come at him, the easier he has it evading attack.   And don’t worry, he’ll buy you a drink to celebrate your loss.

Even the staunchest lady in the room can’t help but smile when the Magnificent Bastard comes around.  She thinks he’s crude and inappropriate, but deep down, she’s on his level.  The Magnificent Bastard doesn’t waste his time with those who are so quick to be offended or aren’t on his level.   If he engages you, he knows that you aren’t porcelain.  He sees in your mind that you’re just as twisted and depraved as he is and it’s about time you two get to know each other.    He’s not out to treat you like a gentle lady, but he does abide by customs.  He’s not here to rescue you, he’s here to debate you.  He’s out to get under your skin and ruffle some feathers.  You may want to throttle him, but you’ll still be smiling as he steals your heart.   Will he goad you? Yes.  Will he tease?  Yes.  But that’s because he’s interested.  Debate and argue are part of his charm.  But he never aims to maim, just have a good time.  The thin skinned lass and lad should stay clear, because the Magnificent Bastard doesn’t pull punches or go easy on you.  He’ll push you to your limits just to get a rise out of you.   He’ll steal your cookies but you won’t go hungry.  He'll be inappropriate and will make you blush, but in a good way.

Try as you might to hate him, at the end of the day, when you’re all alone, you’ll find yourself smiling.   But why?  Twenty minutes ago he had you so pissed off about his not agreeing with you on such trivial matters, and now… smiling? Yup… that’s what happens.

Let us embrace the one, the only, Magnificent Bastard.  Friend to all, enemy to those who truly deserve it.

Strictly For The Teenage Boy

OK, so recently I wrote a long, sappy letter to my daughter for when she plans on dating.  And of course, I incurred the wrath of some.  One, who, until recently, I was pretty sure was, by all accounts was one of the most amazing creatures I had ever had the pleasure of getting to know.  Regardless of outcomes, I took the experience and used it to shape me.  That's what we do.  We get close to the fire, we get burnt, we learn how to avoid the danger or at least better prepare ourselves for the danger.

So, here you young man, you are now in your teens and you have got all of these conflicting feelings and thoughts racing through your brain like 3000 open tabs on your desktop. First all, slow down and take deep breaths.  I want you to enjoy this time because this will be the easiest it ever gets.   This is the last time you will ever have a chance to not be completely befuddled and bewildered by whoever it is you are attracted to.  In this case, because it's where I have experience... albeit not much... we are going to focus on women.

After the initial shock sets in and you finally realize they drive you insane, you can start to fully appreciate this gender and all it holds.  I cannot claim that I have any expertise anywhere.  It's obvious I am complete schmuck when it comes to what it is you're supposed to do or how you are supposed to act when it comes to women.  The best I can tell you is, put yourself in there shoes.

I don't mean literally like some Mel Gibson movie.  I mean, consider yourself the other side of this equation.  How do you feel?  How do you want to be treated?  Do you want someone looking at you like you're not as intelligent as them?  Do you want special treatment because you are supposed to be weaker?  Do you want to be feel as if there should be a ladies tee box in life because you just happen to be a woman?   So, why would you treat a woman any different?

If you're going to insist on picking up the check at dinner, regardless of how she feels, then you should pick up the tab for you and your guy friends when you go out?  I mean why not?  They are your equal.  Why would you treat them any different?

Now, I am not saying that you shouldn't be prepared or expected to be that way, because not everyone has this outlook, but just don't discount that the girl in this equation may be a little less willing to be subjected to an outdated practice.

Start to realize that if you want to be taken seriously and seen as someone a girl would want to be with, then you need to be the kind of guy that she would want.  Not the kind of guy you think she needs.  Here's the thing.  Any man can be needed.  So can any woman.  But, if you are unique and treat a person the way they should be treated.  Then you may be the person they WANT.  Now, granted it may not be in the cards.  Sometimes chemistry is harder to figure out than anything else.  Just because you think you've put in the required amount of effort, doesn't mean you are the right man.  It just means you did what was expected.

Stay loose, too.  Don't get too uptight.  I learned this hard way. Luckily, you can take every failure and use it to become better.  And you should.  Don't think for a minute that the next time will be any different if you make the same mistakes.   Make all new ones.   Sooner or later you're going to start doing things right.  It will suck that those you consider to have been worth the extraordinary effort are not looking for that kind of relationship and you can get discouraged fairly easy.  

But above all, don't let stupidity be an influence.  Some friends may tell you that you should treat a woman poorly in order to get her on your side.  Well, that's plain dumb.  First of all, let's say it works.  Then what?  Are you going to continue acting like a douchebag?  Why?  What do you stand to gain?  And even if they are continually in bad relationships, why would you want to be the guy?  Be better.  Be so damn good you can't be ignored.   And if that's the kind of thing they are destined to attracted to, why would you want to be there?  Remember, would you want to be on that side of the equation?    How would you want to be treated?

Learn and apply.  Be better.  Be a real man.  Let your actions be what defines you and remember that it's not just about you.  But be true to yourself or suffer the continual compromise of that which makes you special.  Be extraordinary.  And if that's not what they want, walk away.  You'll never convince them and why would you bother?  If it's a test, don't take it.  If it's some kind of hoop that will prove your intentions.  Make them known and walk away.  Don't be where you're not wanted because all you will do is make matters worse.   It's OK to wanna fight for something you think is worth it, but you can't make fetch happen.   Don't chase.  Walk away.  You're better off. 

If Chivarly Isn't Dead It Should Be

I am going to preface this entire post with the disclaimer that I haven’t been on a first date since Clinton was in office.

And I mean Bill, not Hillary as Secretary of State.

Really.

OK.

So, I’ve seen a lot of stuff about dating and how guys are all like, “I bought dinner.  You should like me.  I spent all this money and you’re blowing me off and just calling me a friend.”  And women are like, “You guys just don’t get it.  Men suck.  They are horrible.”

It doesn’t help when you see things like The Nice Guys of OK Cupid or, God forbid, The Juggalos of OK Cupid.  Not to mention, Buzzfeed sounds like a bitter version of Liz Lemon who hates men.

Back when I was still in the dating scene, we didn’t have Facebook.  We didn’t have texting.  Hell, I didn’t have a cell phone.  If you wanted to get a hold of me you either called my house phone (like what the hell is that?)  or you got a hold of me through email.  (which Hotmail isn’t even around anymore.)   I met people at work or in bars or at other places and a connection was made.   You would set a time and a place and go out.  After that, there were phone calls and conversations and generally, the getting to know someone process was done through organic means.  You asked someone about themselves.  You didn’t follow them on Twitter, check out their Pinterest page, or stalk them on Facebook.

I can’t imagine what it’s like to be back in this environment after so much has happened.  Hell, today, paying for dinner could be a huge foul.  Why?   Read this and tell me what is wrong…

I know I’ve been out of it for almost 15 years, but this guy doesn’t understand one thing about women in the 21^st century. 

“I think I’m the only single guy I know that actually takes a girl out to a restaurant on a first date. There’s a reason for this.  If you take a girl out and show her you’re more than some douche looking to just get in her pants, odds are, you’re going to get a second date, at least. Call me old fashioned, but a nice dinner is worth the money to get to know someone to some extent.

For me, it’s not about the money, and I get why people are stingy when it comes to going out with people they don’t know. Look, I get it.  Sh*t costs money. But really, what’s the difference? Treat yourself to a good meal, and if the company is good, why the hell wouldn’t you take a girl out to a nice dinner?”

Seriously?  This guy would be lucky to get a second date.  OK, let me rephrase that.  This guy would be lucky to get a second date with a woman not found in 1982.  He sounds like a “nice” guy but he automatically thinks that the requirement for a second date or a relationship is just doing the bare minimum?  “If I do A. B. and C.  Then I’m in.  There’s no reason why she would say no.”

What he doesn't take into account is that, today, women aren't necessarily looking for that type of guy. They may want someone to be an equal in some facets and take charge in others.   He’s assuming that because he was raised a certain way that it’s the perfect formula for happiness and romance.   I was raised that way and let me tell you, it's not the same anymore.  You need to evolve and start thinking about their feelings.

He says chivalry is dead.  Well, good.  Because the system hasn’t evolved past the 70s.  Chivalry, as his ancestors knew it, is not an applicable model for how you should treat women.  It’s an antiquated set of guidelines that does not take into account anything that might matter to a woman.  It's simply a "I know what women want because I'm being nice and courteous and holding doors and paying for dinner."   Well, duh?  You should do that just as a courtesy, not as a requirement.  That's like getting points on the SAT for writing your name on the right line.

Chivalry being dead isn't a bad thing as long as good manners, respect, and decency are still in play. You don't have to take a girl to a fancy dinner on the first date to be a gentleman. You can both meet for drinks or go to an event. You can still get a second or a third if you treat them well and it's what they would like.  How about ask them if they wanted a second date?  Don’t assume that because you did nothing to offend or disrespect them that they should immediately call home to tell Mom and Dad they met the man of their dreams.  Here’s a little tip.  Maybe they just don’t like you enough.  Maybe you're a good guy but not what they're looking for.  Where this guy probably sees physical flaws in a woman that would negate the idea of a second date, she's probably looking way deeper than just how you look.

And paying for a meal.   Good luck with that.   You need to adapt just as much as women do to men in the present.   I’ll get to that in a minute or two.   Paying for a meal could kill you in an instant. 

Why?

It conjures a stigma of weakness or inequality.   There are women today that are perfectly fine and normal (By whatever standard you may have in your narrow minded brain) and by you getting out that wallet, you suddenly just put them right into the corner like Baby in Dirty Dancing.  Did they get a vote?  Were they consulted?  Did they automatically give up their right to be independent?   Ask them, maybe? Some see it as an obligation to be appreciative.  A good guy will pay for dinner, a real man will know if it's what she wants him to do and act accordingly.

Admittedly, these things should be agreed upon ahead of time and while you should expect to do so, as a courtesy, don't feel as if they should be beholden to you when it comes to an archaic institution that can, in some eyes, demean them as a person.

They'll let you know. Be perceptive and respectful. The rest will come if it is meant to, not because you shelled out cash for a dinner.

Start out small.  A “date” can mean many things, but it shouldn’t have an expectation put upon it other than two people making a plan to do something together with an understanding that for whatever time you are together, your attention is on being with each other and not your friends or your phone.   That may be too specific or it may not be specific enough, I don't know.   That’s part of the process of communication.  Find out what those expectations are from each other and be respectful in those regards.  

Now…  ladies.  This is where we need to have a little chat.  This is what singles dating has become.  You're phone is not an acceptable secretary.  Lay down some structure. 

Like I said, I have been out of this area for a long time but there are some things that should never be forgotten. 

You need to be a little more specific about what you want.  We are not mind readers.   It would be rather dismissive to say that women have drastically changed over the last one hundred years.  It would also be callous and completely wrong.  Women haven’t changed.   Women are the same as they always were.   They’ve just never really been taken seriously enough to be what they are.  They still aren’t.   They have had a black cloud hanging over them from the dawn of time when it comes to equality and perception.    But here’s the thing.   Men haven’t changed either.    And while there are men that are inherently stupid and thick, there are just as many women who are clueless and vapid.  If you are dating these types of people, don't complain about them to the ones who aren't.  If you have no self respect or standards, you have no right to bitch to those that do.  It's like not voting and then complaining about who won the election.

Look, I get it.  Guys are not perfect.  We will never be perfect.   But, you cannot make us perfect either.   However, guys… I’m sorry…  men… are not all alike.   Another thing that makes me cringe at the thought of actually being back in the dating scene is that there is a ton of crap I would have to fight through to be taken seriously.   It always seems like the sins of the former are passed onto the next.   Meaning, whatever women think about guys, it’s always going to be thought about you.  I understand, at my age, most men, who are dating, are probably divorced or have been in a relationship that somehow ended.    If they aren’t, you might wonder what’s wrong with them?   Let’s face it.   It goes both ways, but in different fashion.   A single guy at 40 must either be a cad, who can’t commit, or still lives with his mother, watches cartoons, and is not someone you want to be with anyway.  And, by that token, a single woman at 40 is either a man hater or can’t keep a guy, which means she’s a train wreck.

Yet, the reality is that it’s probably easier to understand a woman still single at 40 and perfectly fine, but a guy… yeah, there’s something wrong there.  He’s probably a serial killer or is going through a midlife crisis and only looking to date someone half his age who thinks The Notebook is the best movie ever.

Another thing to realize is that a guy who just got out of a long term relationship, especially marriage, doesn’t automatically need to be in another one.  Guys can function on their own, just like women can.   They can cook.  They can clean.  They can probably raise kids, too.  If they want to date you, it's probably because they like you, not because they can't be alone.  

Whatever reason their past relationship didn’t work out…  it’s not like the guy you just broke up with last month.    Also all men are not small minded.  They are capable of taking things slow or whatever speed is fine.  They are willing to learn new things and become more well rounded individuals.    But you have to realize that you cannot inherently change what a man is.  If he has faults or issues, they are not going to go away, just because you are there.   You cannot force him, threaten him, or change him.  You can accept him or you can walk away.  But don’t just settle and think he’s the best thing that will ever happen to you or he will never understand what is wrong and you will resent him and yourself.

Men are smart.  Smarter than you give them credit for.  The ones that are idiots are just part of life… much like the twenty-something bar hopping Instagramming girl who thinks Jersey Shore and Ugg boots are the coolest thing out there.    

Remember.  Most guys don’t want Courtney Stodden or Kate Upton.   They want someone who looks real, acts real, feels real, and can hold their own in a conversation.  The ones (men) who are really worth it want someone who is honest and smart and not afraid to openly tell them exactly what they want in a relationship.  Most guys really want the Velmas, Bailey Quarters, and Mary Anns of the world and there's probably nothing wrong with you, so get over your hang ups and accept that they can like you and won't screw you over because the last three guys did.  And if the guys you date only seem to want some plastic, size zero, receptacle who is only good for a late night call… it’s not the guy's fault… it’s your own for putting up with that.  Live up to your own hype, ladies.  You want to be taken seriously, don't put up with asshats who treat you like crap.   And don't meet guys online, especially ones who say they are separated or going to get divorced.  First of all, they're probably lying about a lot of things and, chances are, they are just looking for sex and have no intention of getting divorced.  Most guys don't go to online dating sites to find a relationship.  They go there to find a discreet hook up because they're unhappy in their marriage.

And guys… don’t be such douche nozzles.   Stop thinking that women owe you anything in return for a meal at TGIFridays.   You’ll get a second date if you actually listen to them instead of assuming you know exactly what they want, because your Nana taught you how to treat a lady. Your nana probably wasn't allowed to have a job in her day.   

And stop making it easier for them to date assholes.  But don’t kiss their ass and don’t be desperate.  Just be open and honest.  The ones that are worth it will be there.  Don’t be a "nice guy".  Be a man who is nice and respectable.  Someone who treats a woman how she wants to be treated.  How she deserves to be treated, based on her own specifications   Don’t be afraid to talk.  Don’t play games.  Don't be chivalrous.  Be advanced.  Be evolved.

Now,  if you'll excuse me, I'm going back to my little bubble.

Mengagement Rings

The 21st century, ahhhh, you can just smell the progress. We have devices as big as a stamp to play hundreds of our favorite songs but can’t get rid of the crap that is on the radio. We have cars that run on both gasoline and electrical power yet they don’t fly yet. A lot of inventions over the last ten years and a lot of conventions tested like legal marriage between members of the opposite sex or what Carrie Prejean loves to call “opposite marriage.” It just goes to show as smart as we’ve become, we’ve still allowed stupid people to open their mouth on television….but then again if stupid people weren’t allowed to talk, I wouldn’t have a blog. I mean that from a standpoint of authorship…not subject matter.

But I am way off on my point, here. It seems that jewelers are trying to push the idea of an engagement ring for men or as I call it the Mengagement Ring. In essence, instead of just forking over thousands of dollars for a solitaire diamond for your intended bride to be you can also buy yourself one. I’m sure somewhere in all this, there is a level playing field where the fiancée is paying for this mengagement ring but still consider that it is most likely a plain band and not weighted down with a huge rock. Those are called class rings after all.

Wow, if this isn’t a great way to bastardize marriage then I call your attention to the pre-engagement ring. Yes, we have a ring called a promise ring that signifies your intent to be in a monogamous relationship with the intent to not marry but get engaged at a later date. Well, why not just go the extra step and have a promise-to-ring? The premise is simple. You go out to a bar and find a lovely lady and after a few drinks you go back to her place and spend the night. Then, at 6:50 AM you scurry to put your pants on and leave without waking her up, only leaving a little ring on her pillow that says, “I promise to call you.”

It’s not that I dislike the practice of committing yourself to someone, but do we really need a piece of metal to enforce it? After all, isn’t marriage an idea, a vow. It isn’t a physical object that can be distilled into a monetary amount such as two month’s salary. If it is, then don’t marry someone who is unemployed. I, myself, did not follow the standard convention in picking out a ring and my intended bride was happy with that. I wanted to at least traditional and buy her a ring and she picked it out, price tag and all. She was practical. She would rather me spend my two month’s salary more responsibly and would rather get something that she wasn’t afraid to wear.

Yet behind that she didn’t need a ring to ensure my commitment to our relationship. The ring is a thing. Our love was not represented by that. So, to say, nowadays, that you can get his loyalty by slapping a ring on that finger is just as ridiculous as getting one that signifies a commitment to eventually ask you to marry him as well. This is simply the jewelry industry looking at the white space and finding a way to take more money out of your pocket.

Not to mention the poor bastard that has to wear it like a dog collar. Oh to be a fly on the wall when the fiancé who sports a mengagement ring walks into his favorite bar and gets flack from his friends. “So, when’s the dress fitting? You get the ring, she gets the balls, huh?” Let’s face it. As far as outdated traditions go, in today’s world, the act of giving a man a ring to signify an engagement is just as bad as not giving a woman one. And how do we ask a man to marry him. Do you take him to the Olive Garden and put the ring into his salad, hoping he won’t choke on it? Let me tell you something. A run of the mill guy will probably chew on it first. He may even swallow it before realizing what it is. Put it in his beer? It’s gone. We aren’t that perceptive. Have the Jumbotron announce it during the football game he shelled out hundreds of dollars to go see? You’ll probably get a good shot of him trying to hail the nachos guy or beating up the poor bastard who bravely sat in the home section wearing the visitors’ jersey.

If you’re doing this out of paranoia that he might cheat on you and that this mengagement ring is an ironclad symbol of his commitment, you probably would have done better to spend the money on hiring a private detective to find out if he’s been cheating on you. Chances are if you have mounting evidence that your fiancé is cheating on you, a ring isn’t going to stop it. Hell, sometimes a wedding ring doesn’t stop it. A swift kick to curb will at least end it for you.

And what is the protocol should the engagement end? If you bought it does that mean we have to give it back? I can see the Customer Disservice Representatives at Cash4Gold trying to appraise a mengagement ring and scamming the seller for a good 20% of its real value.

Don’t fall for this cheap ploy by jewelers and save the money for something better. I have a few ideas.

1. LCD HD Television
2. Tickets for a Major League Sporting Event
3. Pay Per View UFC or other MMA Ticket and Beer and Wings for him and his buddies (You could call it a Man Shower but that would be nasty)
4. A year of NFL Network or other Sporting Channel
5. Pick up a couple of truck payments
6. PS3, Wii, Xbox
7. Pay for a professional lawn service to take care of the yard once or twice
8. New grill
9. New Power Tool ( Hey you want a diamond ring, we want a diamond blade)
10. Take him out for a nice dinner, a movie, and whatever else you can think of to celebrate your engagement.

So, get in the pit and try to love someone. Just don't spend stupid money.