Strictly For The Teenage Boy

OK, so recently I wrote a long, sappy letter to my daughter for when she plans on dating.  And of course, I incurred the wrath of some.  One, who, until recently, I was pretty sure was, by all accounts was one of the most amazing creatures I had ever had the pleasure of getting to know.  Regardless of outcomes, I took the experience and used it to shape me.  That's what we do.  We get close to the fire, we get burnt, we learn how to avoid the danger or at least better prepare ourselves for the danger.

So, here you young man, you are now in your teens and you have got all of these conflicting feelings and thoughts racing through your brain like 3000 open tabs on your desktop. First all, slow down and take deep breaths.  I want you to enjoy this time because this will be the easiest it ever gets.   This is the last time you will ever have a chance to not be completely befuddled and bewildered by whoever it is you are attracted to.  In this case, because it's where I have experience... albeit not much... we are going to focus on women.

After the initial shock sets in and you finally realize they drive you insane, you can start to fully appreciate this gender and all it holds.  I cannot claim that I have any expertise anywhere.  It's obvious I am complete schmuck when it comes to what it is you're supposed to do or how you are supposed to act when it comes to women.  The best I can tell you is, put yourself in there shoes.

I don't mean literally like some Mel Gibson movie.  I mean, consider yourself the other side of this equation.  How do you feel?  How do you want to be treated?  Do you want someone looking at you like you're not as intelligent as them?  Do you want special treatment because you are supposed to be weaker?  Do you want to be feel as if there should be a ladies tee box in life because you just happen to be a woman?   So, why would you treat a woman any different?

If you're going to insist on picking up the check at dinner, regardless of how she feels, then you should pick up the tab for you and your guy friends when you go out?  I mean why not?  They are your equal.  Why would you treat them any different?

Now, I am not saying that you shouldn't be prepared or expected to be that way, because not everyone has this outlook, but just don't discount that the girl in this equation may be a little less willing to be subjected to an outdated practice.

Start to realize that if you want to be taken seriously and seen as someone a girl would want to be with, then you need to be the kind of guy that she would want.  Not the kind of guy you think she needs.  Here's the thing.  Any man can be needed.  So can any woman.  But, if you are unique and treat a person the way they should be treated.  Then you may be the person they WANT.  Now, granted it may not be in the cards.  Sometimes chemistry is harder to figure out than anything else.  Just because you think you've put in the required amount of effort, doesn't mean you are the right man.  It just means you did what was expected.

Stay loose, too.  Don't get too uptight.  I learned this hard way. Luckily, you can take every failure and use it to become better.  And you should.  Don't think for a minute that the next time will be any different if you make the same mistakes.   Make all new ones.   Sooner or later you're going to start doing things right.  It will suck that those you consider to have been worth the extraordinary effort are not looking for that kind of relationship and you can get discouraged fairly easy.  

But above all, don't let stupidity be an influence.  Some friends may tell you that you should treat a woman poorly in order to get her on your side.  Well, that's plain dumb.  First of all, let's say it works.  Then what?  Are you going to continue acting like a douchebag?  Why?  What do you stand to gain?  And even if they are continually in bad relationships, why would you want to be the guy?  Be better.  Be so damn good you can't be ignored.   And if that's the kind of thing they are destined to attracted to, why would you want to be there?  Remember, would you want to be on that side of the equation?    How would you want to be treated?

Learn and apply.  Be better.  Be a real man.  Let your actions be what defines you and remember that it's not just about you.  But be true to yourself or suffer the continual compromise of that which makes you special.  Be extraordinary.  And if that's not what they want, walk away.  You'll never convince them and why would you bother?  If it's a test, don't take it.  If it's some kind of hoop that will prove your intentions.  Make them known and walk away.  Don't be where you're not wanted because all you will do is make matters worse.   It's OK to wanna fight for something you think is worth it, but you can't make fetch happen.   Don't chase.  Walk away.  You're better off. 

A Letter To My Daughter For When She's Old Enough To Date

I am writing this in protest because you will never be allowed to date.  But I know you will, so I better at least acknowledge it.

When I was younger and thought about the eventuality of having kids, I always wanted a son.  I know that's a really bad outlook.  It's just that I didn't understand girls.  I still don't.  I just figured it would be easier, ya know.

And even while you were still unborn and camera shy at the sonograms, I thought, "Maybe it will be a boy.  You never know."  I'd drive around in the car and have these philosophical discussions, with an empty backseat where you'd one day be, dispensing all my worldly knowledge about whatever it is I'm supposed to know at my age.  Guess what?  It isn't much.  When I say "I don't know" to you, I really don't know the answers.

But, when you were actually born and I held you, knowing full well you were a girl, I died that day.  I died and in the ashes was a rebirth of a man.  And this man was a father of a beautiful baby girl and he was never more in love with any creature on this Earth than you.  My heart hurt so much with love that I couldn't breathe.  And I was scared, too.  What the hell was I going to do with a girl, turn her over and say, "Yep, she's yours... figure out, other woman"?  Was I going to lock you up from the world and hope that a boy wouldn't dare take one step onto our lawn?

No, I couldn't do any of that because I wasn't always going to be able to.   My biggest problem in life is that I've tried to just solve the issues in our lives and not actually let someone figure them out themselves.   Instead of giving a general idea of what needs to be done, it was just easier for me to say, "Just give it here."  I can't be the answer for everything, so you need to know how to take care of yourself.  That's why I am so damn hard on you all the time.  That's why I constantly say take a hands off approach and try to let you figure certain things out.  Turns out, it works to a fault.  You're smarter than me and can do more than I ever could at your age and it gets you into trouble when you shouldn't attempt certain things.

So, in about a decade, you're going to attempt something else that I can't control or figure out.  Dating.

It's something I never could do right, then, and I still can't, now.  It's probably why I didn't do it that often, when I was a teen, and pretty much gave up on trying to figure it out when I got out of college.

In that way, I can't give you advice on how to date or how to find love.  That's something else you'll have to figure out on your own, and with any luck, you'll be better at than I was.  I pretty much know you will be, so no worries.

But, what I will say to you is something someone once told me about this kind of thing.

Be in something extraordinary.  Don't settle.  If they're not the best person for you, then you shouldn't be with them.  But remember this, too.  Guys don't know anything more than you do.  So, you have to be careful, but you also have to be better.

Now, I've made it as a personal mission to make sure you don't grow up just being a girl.  If you choose the tea parties and princesses route, I won't love you any less.  But, I know you, and you're rough and tumble just as much as you are tiaras and tutus.  I've hated how gender biased toys are in this world and you can be a scientist or a beauty queen with equal chance for success.  But what you need to realize is that with boys, we are pretty much stupid.  We need things spelled out for us but don't think we don't like you because we don't say it.  Sometimes we're just afraid you'll laugh at us.  So, give us a chance to show you before you break our hearts.

Also, don't let a boy hold the door for you, if he wouldn't do it for anyone else who isn't a girl.  Don't let him pick up the check if it means that much to pay your own way.  But talk about it.  Let him know why you would rather him not, if you so choose.  Then, let him pay anyway, just so he knows it's not an invitation for anything else.  You're not obligated to do anything.  You are far too independent to be coddled and even though chivalry is a nice concept, you are certainly no one's damsel in distress.

Definitely don't let a guy treat you badly and don't ever accept that you deserve it.  Just as you should never treat a guy that way.  As I have tried to raise you to be just as equal in strength and character as a boy, they are just as sensitive and vulnerable as girls.  But there are some men AND WOMEN out there that feel that people should be treated a certain way for whatever reason and it's not right.  You will never happiness at the receiving end of a harsh word or fist.  Also realize that it works both ways, too.

Be clear with a boy, because chances are more of them are going to fall madly in love with you than you will with them.  If you're not into them, let them know up front.  Be decent enough to explain that you don't feel that way.  Believe me, it will be a lot easier on the both of you let him down easy and early.   If not, he might shower you with praise and affection until you want to crawl out of your skin and he won't understand why it's not working.  Worse yet, he might overstep boundaries because he felt you were a tease.  I just don't have the money to bail you out of jail when you kick his ass for stepping over the line.

If you like a boy, and there's a chance he likes you, tell him.  Don't play games.  Don't make him pass tests and try to figure out his intentions.  The worst thing that ever happened by telling someone how you feel was for them to not return the sentiment.  No harm. No foul.  It's embarrassing and will probably hurt for a bit, but being honest is better and you might find it works a lot more.

Oh, boy... when it comes to um... being intimate....OK, man, pull it together, respect yourself.  I cannot stop you from having physical needs and I just hope you are safe and healthy about it.  Don't ever, EVER, think that you will make someone love you more because you give into them physically.  If you are not ready, then you are not ready.  And, don't pressure them because you think that they need to show you how they feel by being intimate.   And this will probably get me in trouble because, well, I'm a guy and it's still different, but you can say no at any time and it's not wrong to do so.  Any man worth your time will immediately understand and comply.

However, understand that even though you have every right to say no, that word may fall on deaf ears.  It's not you, it's them.  You should never be ashamed for being who you are, but sometimes, people are assholes and usually, it's someone you trust.  Don't ever forget that no matter how strong you are, there is always someone stronger.  I will never blame you for something happening, but you cannot expect everyone to be the best possible person in every scenario.  That being said, I will go Liam Nesson on their ass.  Just understand that you have a power that isn't fully quite understandable by you or others who are interested in you.

And eventually, you will probably find yourself with someone you love enough to want to marry.  For all that is decent and holy, let's not have a huge wedding.  I mean if you really want one I will do whatever I can to give it to you but realize that your wedding day is never for you.  It's always for other people.  It's for a DJ or band to be heard.  It's for a photographer to add to their portfolio.  It's for a caterer to drum up business.  It's for family and friends to share in your day or get free food and drink at the cost of a crock pot.   If you want a day for you, do whatever it is that makes you happy.  And that means finding someone who makes you happy, too.

Find someone who you will never get tired of in life.  Find someone who surprises you every day with something new and unexpected.  Find someone who will fight with you as much as for you.  Find someone who isn't afraid to cry because you hurt them or astound them.  Find someone who makes your heart break just like you broke mine on that very first day.  Find someone who pushes you to be better and will be better because of you.  Find someone you can talk to about anything.  Find someone that doesn't just like everything you like but likes their own things and appreciates that you like yours.  And be the same way.  You don't have to adopt every little thing they love, just love them for loving it.

And for all the love in the world, find someone you love as they are, not as you want them to be.  Don't try and change someone.  Don't try and save someone.   Find the man you want, not the man you need.  Because, quite frankly, you don't need a man.  You need a partner.  You need a teammate.  You need an anchor.  You want a love.  You want a family.  You want someone to complete you.   You want to find someone that even when they are at their worst, they are still better than everyone else.  You want someone that even when the world falls apart, they will be right there with you and you'll both save each other.  You want someone extraordinary.  You want someone better than me.  You need that, too.  But, no matter who you pick, they are the lucky one.  Because you picked me once and I am the luckiest man on Earth and I will always love you no matter who you love: man, woman, or whatever.

Just do it all after I'm dead.  OK?  Because the day you come home and tell me you're in love, it will probably kill me. 

I love you sweetie.

 

If Chivarly Isn't Dead It Should Be

I am going to preface this entire post with the disclaimer that I haven’t been on a first date since Clinton was in office.

And I mean Bill, not Hillary as Secretary of State.

Really.

OK.

So, I’ve seen a lot of stuff about dating and how guys are all like, “I bought dinner.  You should like me.  I spent all this money and you’re blowing me off and just calling me a friend.”  And women are like, “You guys just don’t get it.  Men suck.  They are horrible.”

It doesn’t help when you see things like The Nice Guys of OK Cupid or, God forbid, The Juggalos of OK Cupid.  Not to mention, Buzzfeed sounds like a bitter version of Liz Lemon who hates men.

Back when I was still in the dating scene, we didn’t have Facebook.  We didn’t have texting.  Hell, I didn’t have a cell phone.  If you wanted to get a hold of me you either called my house phone (like what the hell is that?)  or you got a hold of me through email.  (which Hotmail isn’t even around anymore.)   I met people at work or in bars or at other places and a connection was made.   You would set a time and a place and go out.  After that, there were phone calls and conversations and generally, the getting to know someone process was done through organic means.  You asked someone about themselves.  You didn’t follow them on Twitter, check out their Pinterest page, or stalk them on Facebook.

I can’t imagine what it’s like to be back in this environment after so much has happened.  Hell, today, paying for dinner could be a huge foul.  Why?   Read this and tell me what is wrong…

I know I’ve been out of it for almost 15 years, but this guy doesn’t understand one thing about women in the 21^st century. 

“I think I’m the only single guy I know that actually takes a girl out to a restaurant on a first date. There’s a reason for this.  If you take a girl out and show her you’re more than some douche looking to just get in her pants, odds are, you’re going to get a second date, at least. Call me old fashioned, but a nice dinner is worth the money to get to know someone to some extent.

For me, it’s not about the money, and I get why people are stingy when it comes to going out with people they don’t know. Look, I get it.  Sh*t costs money. But really, what’s the difference? Treat yourself to a good meal, and if the company is good, why the hell wouldn’t you take a girl out to a nice dinner?”

Seriously?  This guy would be lucky to get a second date.  OK, let me rephrase that.  This guy would be lucky to get a second date with a woman not found in 1982.  He sounds like a “nice” guy but he automatically thinks that the requirement for a second date or a relationship is just doing the bare minimum?  “If I do A. B. and C.  Then I’m in.  There’s no reason why she would say no.”

What he doesn't take into account is that, today, women aren't necessarily looking for that type of guy. They may want someone to be an equal in some facets and take charge in others.   He’s assuming that because he was raised a certain way that it’s the perfect formula for happiness and romance.   I was raised that way and let me tell you, it's not the same anymore.  You need to evolve and start thinking about their feelings.

He says chivalry is dead.  Well, good.  Because the system hasn’t evolved past the 70s.  Chivalry, as his ancestors knew it, is not an applicable model for how you should treat women.  It’s an antiquated set of guidelines that does not take into account anything that might matter to a woman.  It's simply a "I know what women want because I'm being nice and courteous and holding doors and paying for dinner."   Well, duh?  You should do that just as a courtesy, not as a requirement.  That's like getting points on the SAT for writing your name on the right line.

Chivalry being dead isn't a bad thing as long as good manners, respect, and decency are still in play. You don't have to take a girl to a fancy dinner on the first date to be a gentleman. You can both meet for drinks or go to an event. You can still get a second or a third if you treat them well and it's what they would like.  How about ask them if they wanted a second date?  Don’t assume that because you did nothing to offend or disrespect them that they should immediately call home to tell Mom and Dad they met the man of their dreams.  Here’s a little tip.  Maybe they just don’t like you enough.  Maybe you're a good guy but not what they're looking for.  Where this guy probably sees physical flaws in a woman that would negate the idea of a second date, she's probably looking way deeper than just how you look.

And paying for a meal.   Good luck with that.   You need to adapt just as much as women do to men in the present.   I’ll get to that in a minute or two.   Paying for a meal could kill you in an instant. 

Why?

It conjures a stigma of weakness or inequality.   There are women today that are perfectly fine and normal (By whatever standard you may have in your narrow minded brain) and by you getting out that wallet, you suddenly just put them right into the corner like Baby in Dirty Dancing.  Did they get a vote?  Were they consulted?  Did they automatically give up their right to be independent?   Ask them, maybe? Some see it as an obligation to be appreciative.  A good guy will pay for dinner, a real man will know if it's what she wants him to do and act accordingly.

Admittedly, these things should be agreed upon ahead of time and while you should expect to do so, as a courtesy, don't feel as if they should be beholden to you when it comes to an archaic institution that can, in some eyes, demean them as a person.

They'll let you know. Be perceptive and respectful. The rest will come if it is meant to, not because you shelled out cash for a dinner.

Start out small.  A “date” can mean many things, but it shouldn’t have an expectation put upon it other than two people making a plan to do something together with an understanding that for whatever time you are together, your attention is on being with each other and not your friends or your phone.   That may be too specific or it may not be specific enough, I don't know.   That’s part of the process of communication.  Find out what those expectations are from each other and be respectful in those regards.  

Now…  ladies.  This is where we need to have a little chat.  This is what singles dating has become.  You're phone is not an acceptable secretary.  Lay down some structure. 

Like I said, I have been out of this area for a long time but there are some things that should never be forgotten. 

You need to be a little more specific about what you want.  We are not mind readers.   It would be rather dismissive to say that women have drastically changed over the last one hundred years.  It would also be callous and completely wrong.  Women haven’t changed.   Women are the same as they always were.   They’ve just never really been taken seriously enough to be what they are.  They still aren’t.   They have had a black cloud hanging over them from the dawn of time when it comes to equality and perception.    But here’s the thing.   Men haven’t changed either.    And while there are men that are inherently stupid and thick, there are just as many women who are clueless and vapid.  If you are dating these types of people, don't complain about them to the ones who aren't.  If you have no self respect or standards, you have no right to bitch to those that do.  It's like not voting and then complaining about who won the election.

Look, I get it.  Guys are not perfect.  We will never be perfect.   But, you cannot make us perfect either.   However, guys… I’m sorry…  men… are not all alike.   Another thing that makes me cringe at the thought of actually being back in the dating scene is that there is a ton of crap I would have to fight through to be taken seriously.   It always seems like the sins of the former are passed onto the next.   Meaning, whatever women think about guys, it’s always going to be thought about you.  I understand, at my age, most men, who are dating, are probably divorced or have been in a relationship that somehow ended.    If they aren’t, you might wonder what’s wrong with them?   Let’s face it.   It goes both ways, but in different fashion.   A single guy at 40 must either be a cad, who can’t commit, or still lives with his mother, watches cartoons, and is not someone you want to be with anyway.  And, by that token, a single woman at 40 is either a man hater or can’t keep a guy, which means she’s a train wreck.

Yet, the reality is that it’s probably easier to understand a woman still single at 40 and perfectly fine, but a guy… yeah, there’s something wrong there.  He’s probably a serial killer or is going through a midlife crisis and only looking to date someone half his age who thinks The Notebook is the best movie ever.

Another thing to realize is that a guy who just got out of a long term relationship, especially marriage, doesn’t automatically need to be in another one.  Guys can function on their own, just like women can.   They can cook.  They can clean.  They can probably raise kids, too.  If they want to date you, it's probably because they like you, not because they can't be alone.  

Whatever reason their past relationship didn’t work out…  it’s not like the guy you just broke up with last month.    Also all men are not small minded.  They are capable of taking things slow or whatever speed is fine.  They are willing to learn new things and become more well rounded individuals.    But you have to realize that you cannot inherently change what a man is.  If he has faults or issues, they are not going to go away, just because you are there.   You cannot force him, threaten him, or change him.  You can accept him or you can walk away.  But don’t just settle and think he’s the best thing that will ever happen to you or he will never understand what is wrong and you will resent him and yourself.

Men are smart.  Smarter than you give them credit for.  The ones that are idiots are just part of life… much like the twenty-something bar hopping Instagramming girl who thinks Jersey Shore and Ugg boots are the coolest thing out there.    

Remember.  Most guys don’t want Courtney Stodden or Kate Upton.   They want someone who looks real, acts real, feels real, and can hold their own in a conversation.  The ones (men) who are really worth it want someone who is honest and smart and not afraid to openly tell them exactly what they want in a relationship.  Most guys really want the Velmas, Bailey Quarters, and Mary Anns of the world and there's probably nothing wrong with you, so get over your hang ups and accept that they can like you and won't screw you over because the last three guys did.  And if the guys you date only seem to want some plastic, size zero, receptacle who is only good for a late night call… it’s not the guy's fault… it’s your own for putting up with that.  Live up to your own hype, ladies.  You want to be taken seriously, don't put up with asshats who treat you like crap.   And don't meet guys online, especially ones who say they are separated or going to get divorced.  First of all, they're probably lying about a lot of things and, chances are, they are just looking for sex and have no intention of getting divorced.  Most guys don't go to online dating sites to find a relationship.  They go there to find a discreet hook up because they're unhappy in their marriage.

And guys… don’t be such douche nozzles.   Stop thinking that women owe you anything in return for a meal at TGIFridays.   You’ll get a second date if you actually listen to them instead of assuming you know exactly what they want, because your Nana taught you how to treat a lady. Your nana probably wasn't allowed to have a job in her day.   

And stop making it easier for them to date assholes.  But don’t kiss their ass and don’t be desperate.  Just be open and honest.  The ones that are worth it will be there.  Don’t be a "nice guy".  Be a man who is nice and respectable.  Someone who treats a woman how she wants to be treated.  How she deserves to be treated, based on her own specifications   Don’t be afraid to talk.  Don’t play games.  Don't be chivalrous.  Be advanced.  Be evolved.

Now,  if you'll excuse me, I'm going back to my little bubble.

Away Alone

It’s that time again, the time when they shut down half of the streets in Oakland while yellow laundry carts crisscross the campus, stuffed to the gills with lava lamps, microwaves, and refrigerators.

Mothers will weep as they say goodbye to their little birds leaving the nest.   Yet, Fathers will dispense words of wisdom to their sons about responsibility and adulthood, all while noticing the crop of young coed girls.   Moms will sigh, Dads will say, “Sick em, boy!”  And thus the cycle begins, again.  Those clean cut kids from suburbia will turn into tattoo getting, bong toking, mistake making animals, all the while surviving solely on Rum, Ramen, and Red Bull.

However, research says that the average college student isn’t having any more sex than the ones from 25 years ago.  Really?  Maybe not, unless they just aren’t admitting to it.  I’d venture to say they are, or at least they are redefining what the definition is and who it is with these days.  I'm sure patrols are still set up in the quad to take note of all those participating in the Walk of Shame 5K.

Now, before parents go completely bonkers over this kind of thing, you have to understand, college is uncharted territory.  Remember that scene in Home Alone?

That’s what it’s like.  You go from a sheltered environment to complete and utter freedom.  No one is there to make sure you get up, go to class, do your homework, or take care of yourself.   You step onto that campus and 7 years of suppressed primal freedom just explodes.  You lose your composure.  There’s vice everywhere and no authoritative body to say no, outside of campus police.  Kids are basically kicked out of the nest into the real world and expected to make the right decision.  And even if you are the best parent in the world, expect there to be some bad choices made.  And also realize, that it’s OK. 

Your kids will be fine.  They are going to have to go through this, eventually.  Would you rather them have that moment in the real world, when they are completely on their own, with no parachute, or benefits?

Even adults have these moments.  I was left alone to my devices last weekend and for two days, I managed to eat at Sheetz twice for lunch.  I did, however, do some work around the house, cut the grass, and kept the place from catching fire, so win!

Tekkoshocon and other objectifiable things

Ah yes, Pittsburgh, home to the furries and also Tekkoshocon. 

Now, this may piss off one side or the other, I’m not sure.  In any case, here goes.

I’m a guy.  I’m as red blooded as the next stereotypical version of a guy.

I watch Game of Thrones for the breathtaking locales and expositional dialogue as much for everything else.

I’ve played video games for decades and I loved Tomb Raider when it came out. 

All of these ideas are pointing towards the sexual objectification of females in media.

(This is the point where I totally get shit wrong about cons and manga and anime and comics but bear with me.)

If I were to walk around Tekkoshocon, I’d be looking.  First, because I’m not used to seeing people dressed up in costume outside of Halloween.    Secondly, because well…  It’s gonna happen.  You know it is.  And by that definition, shit be effed up. Necessarily

Let me put it this way.   And, I know this is the wrong genre, but let’s say a girl dresses up for a con like Power Girl.  Does she warrant unwanted behavior based on her clothes?  Will she receive unwanted behavior based on her clothes.

No. Probably. 

Now, take that same girl and put her in a costume she found on the Internet under the “Sexy (Insert Benign Occupation Here) Costume”  and do you think that changes anything?

My point is that one, the system is broken.    

Whether or not that girl chooses the superhero costume or the sexy garbage worker costume, she is opening herself to unwanted negative behavior.  Does she deserve it?  No.  But if I were to walk around some neighborhoods with hundred dollar bills hanging out of my pocket, I should expect some unwanted negative behavior.  Doesn’t mean I deserve it.    It’s totally my right to do it, but shit may happen.  I should be ready for it.   If I just happen to walk around a neighborhood that I don’t belong in, everything tucked in my pockets, I may get some looks, but the chance of it ending badly is probably lessened.

The system is broken in the objectifying case because media is to blame.  The artists, the writers, the game developers, actors, directors, all of them have held such a male centric target demographic for so long that they need to evolve just like everything else in this world does.   Comic Book artists created girl protagonists that are strong, but a majority of them are drawn with rather improbable proportions.    Power Girl is probably a great role model.  Powers, abilities, does good deeds.  She just happens to be drawn with a large chest and most of her top missing in key areas. 

And while I am still missing the point between comparing comic books to anime or manga in this case, my point is universal.  There will be people who dress up for these cons as the characters they identify with or want to emulate.  Some will dress to impress, either with complexity or… simplicity in their costume.    Unless they dress to conceal their entire body, say in a full costume with mask, they want to be noticed.  They want to be looked at.  Maybe for thumbs up on their creativity or effort in constructing said costume.  Yet, some will be there to get the nerd juices flowing.   Be ready for some of that unwanted negative behavior, though.

It’s 2013 and we still don’t get it yet.  Men still run the world.   If a woman does it as well or better, she’s either a heartless bitch, a fake, or a lesbian.    I know that sounds horrible in that context but think about it.    If a woman created a comic book character or whatever and it was purely for reasons of strength and intelligence, and did not show up scantily clad to save the day, people would assume she’s a feminist or one of those people who spell women wrong.    Whether or not  the material was top notch, it would get panned or not receive the following it would deserve.

Look at Ripley from Alien.   The character wears a jump suit for the entire movie.   Loses everyone on that ship to the Alien.   Faces down certain death.  Survives. Wins.  Spends the end of the movie in a tight tank and a pair of panties while duking it out with a giant creature with a phallic chomping second mouth.    Even the inspiration for Alien came from the Sci-Fi monster movies of the 50s and 60s, most where the monster is carrying the damsel, who is objectified by her manner of dress and restraint.

Horror movies use the concept of the final girl.  Halloween sort of sparked that idea with Laurie Strode.  The final girl is usually virginal and pure... because that's sexy while maintaining an innocence.   The monster is there to take her innocence, in which we mean kill her.   The promiscuous girls get killed.  It's almost somewhat religious or allegorical in nature.  Yet, most movies have final girls that are the embodiment of what sells, which is sex.  Ripley at the end.  Jessica Biel in the Texas Chainsaw Massacre remake. 

The gaming industry introduced Lara Croft, much to the delight of gamer boys in their teens and 20s.   Over the years, as the technology rendered a more lifelike Lara, her dimensions changed.  Her shorts got shorter.  Her tops got tighter.   Even Angelina Jolie helped boost that image as did the promotional models who appeared as Lara at cons and events.  With the reboot, they’ve toned down the image of Lara, but really all they’ve done is made her younger.    Lara had become Demi Moore and the fans (Ashton Kutcher) still wanted the same looks on his gal, just 20 years younger.  

Girls who play video games have a lot of stigma to overcome either through the industry’s male centric characterization or the few brash and stereotypical representatives who ruin it for the core subset of the gender.

Girls either get picked on for trying to play the same games as boys or they get hit on or objectified.   Quite frankly, you have to understand that for every nerd who is a nice guy, there are ten others who are too socially awkward to understand that just because a girl plays video games, it doesn’t mean they stand a chance.   Common interests don’t make up for lack of chemistry and compatibility.    And both genders have to also realize that anyone who plays games can like any game and still be considered a gamer as much as the core subset of gamers need to realize that yes, in fact, Angry Birds is a game.  As much as they hate that Farmville gets used to denote a gamer.  I  know.  I don’t get it myself, but whatever.

The point is, don’t objectify the person you see.  Do see the person, objectively.

And don’t stare at the girls in cosplay.  They don’t like it.

Top Ten Puberty Inducing Moments From the Last 50 years

In the last 50 years, the sexual revolution has exploded in our faces.   Thanks to the loosening of morals and the tightening of material around certain areas, young boys have launched into puberty at various instances because of pop culture.

Back when I was a kid in the 80s, stolen HBO and the mere hint of female flesh in a music video were enough to blast our hormones into orbit like the Apollo rocket in the MTV commercial.  In the 90s, who could forget “Jiggle TV”?

With that in mind, I give you the 10 best puberty kickoff moments of the last 50 years.  Granted, some of the items on this list weren’t exactly for the eyes of those in the demographic, however, just like the Internet today, there was access to the material in those days.  All that was needed was access to HBO and a night away from the parents.  Sleepovers provided the ability to do these things.


Warning:  This post contains juvenile humor.


10.2.  Britney Spears – VMA awards barely there body stocking – 2000
Tie for tenth place.  If Britney's first act was appearing as a Catholic School Girl In Trouble in her video for "Hit Me Baby", her second act was the blood pumping strip tease during the 2000 VMAs.




10.1. Katy Perry – Whip Cream Bra Cannon in “California Gurls” music video – 2010
Tie for tenth place.  She ruined Candy Land for Kindergartners but straightened out a few candy canes for some up and coming teen boys in 2010.  Katy Perry turned her boobs into whip cream and firework cannons after kissing a girl.  If sex sells, she was cornering the market with ample amounts of tease.



9. Catherine Bach –Daisy Duke wearing Daisy from Dukes of Hazzard – 1979
They weren't called Bo Dukes, after all.  Many a boy jumped a bridge and yelled 'Yee Haaaa' after seeing Catherine Bach in the too short shorts on Friday nights at the end of the 70s.



8. Kelly LeBrock – first entrance from Weird Science – 1985
"What would you little maniacs like to do first?"  asked Lisa in the John Hughes classic.  Um, shower with you of course.  



7. Tawny Kitaen – Ghost riding the hood of a car in the “Here I Go Again” music video – 1987
Never before did preteen boys want to be a car hood than when Tawny slithered and writhed in time to the re-release of Whitesnake's most famous hit.



6. Pamela Anderson – Slo-Mo runs from Baywatch – 1992
I remember the Baywatch before Boobwatch.  Back when Parker Stevenson was on and it was the original pilot entitled, "Panic At Malibu Pier".   But nobody liked it, so it got retooled with a former Tool Time girl running in slow motion towards 'supposedly' drowning males.  She got the swimmers swimming for those boys just discovering the floatation devices in the early 90s.



5. Farrah Fawcett – Famous Poster – 1976
One of the most famous pin up posters to push the envelope with perky.... um yeah.  Sadly we lost Farrah to cancer.  But we'll always have this on our ceiling, above our bed, as a shrine to the 70s.



4. Raquel Welch – Fur Bikini from One Million Years B.C. – 1967
Fur Bikini and dinosaurs.  Two things that go hand in hand, right?  And.... how about a cat fight between two beautiful cave girls.  Can you say Pubertosaurus Rex?  It's no wonder Andy Dufresne used her to cover his jail break.




3. Ursula Andress – Dr. No Bikini beach entrance – 1962
The original Bond girl who came strolling out of the surf in the white bikini and some wonderful conch shells!  She made James' martini shake as 60s era preteens stirred in their seats upon seeing the Swiss Miss, dubbed by go to Bond voice over actress Nikki van der Zyl.



2. Carrie Fisher –  Princess Leia in a Gold Bikini from Return of the Jedi  – 1983
We all wanted to use the force or at least swing our lightsabers after seeing the demure but sassy Leia Organa forced into servitude and a gold metal bikini on Jabba's barge in the final chapter of the original Star Wars trilogy.  It's almost too Freudian to imagine her fighting with the almost phallic looking Jabba the Hutt on the deck.  And to that end, she choked the Hutt while fanboys nearly choked their chicken.  Ross Gellar approves.



1. Phoebe Cates – Pool exit scene from Fast Times at Ridgemont High – 1982 
It had to be Linda Barret.  It just had to be, right?  One of my earliest memories of my parents stealing HBO was a grainy, "chh chh chh chh" sounding Phoebe Cates, strolling out of the pool in this scene from the 80s classic.  Looking back, it seems so odd to glorify movies that portrayed high school teenage characters taking their clothes off on screen.  Another would be Caroline Mulford in Sixteen Candles. But you have to remember that Cates was 19 when she did the bikini burst and Haviland Morris was 25 when she hit the tympani bounce note in the school shower from the John Hughes movie. Still, as far as puberty inducing moments, this takes the taco.  Now, if you'll excuse me, I need some alone time with side one of Led Zeppelin IV.


Sorry, I couldn't post the real clip.  I do try to keep this PG-13, at most.



Honorable Mention:
Marilyn Monroe – “Happy Birthday, Mr. President” – 1962
Now, what list of sex symbols and sultriness would be complete without the original, one and only, Marilyn Monroe?   So, she gets an honorable mention for providing enough of a provocative performance to the POTUS.  Fully clothed, she still gave boys a Cuban Missile Crisis in their pants.