Weddings and Toasts

Weddings are a polarizing subject, depending on who you speak to.   To the involved, it’s a lot of stress and work over a year or more boiled down to one day of joy or frustration.   The problem is you’ll only remember it if it goes wrong.  

To the bridal party, it’s an opportunity to really define the bonds of friendship.  How much of the bride can you take before you are no longer BFFs?   Let’s face it, grooms are easy.  If they’re awake, they’re fine.   

To the families, it becomes a testament to micromanagement and tolerance of one another.   The majority of the costs usually fall to the bride's family, while the groom's parents usually pick up the rehearsal dinner and bar tab at the reception.  Then there's little sniping back and forth about the seating arrangements.  Who is closest to the bar?  Who gets to the buffet first?  Can we put Uncle Wears-bib-overalls-to-a-funeral next to the snobs from their side of the family?  If you're lucky, the fathers won't be involved in fisticuffs before the cake gets cut.

And to the guests, it’s an excuse to get sloppy drunk at an open bar, to ridicule the people at the party to their date, and to possibly do stupid things all for the price of a gift no one will ever use and an afternoon dressed up in uncomfortable clothes which will undoubtedly be disheveled by the bridal dance.

But, you have to look beyond all these things, though, and find the magic.   You have to see the subtext.  You have to see the inner-workings of the process to understand how much hell you have to go through, just to make it to the point where you can give advice to future couples and not be full of shit.

That’s what I did over the weekend. 

It started out innocent enough.  My family travelled towards the middle of Pennsyltuckey for one of my best friend’s wedding.    We arrived on a Thursday night and stayed until Saturday.  We planned for minimal impact as I brought along a suit, a change of clothes and another backup shirt.   I was way ill prepared for the event.

Thursday night, my buddy stayed at the hotel, while his wife to be stayed at the house.  I decided to help him relax by taking him out for a few drinks with my Father-in-law.  We went to a little bar in Lewisburg called The Bull Run.  The night started out rather innocent.  We talked over beers and then it got interesting.   After a Blue Moon and two Smithwicks I decided to take up the karaoke microphone and serenade my brother in harms with Georgia Satellites’  “Keep Your Hands To Yourself”.  Not too bad.  Then a bunch of girls from Bucknell came in and it got even more interesting.   By the end of the night, I was completely trashed and singing, badly, “Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy” to the coeds who turned out to be all together… like romantically.   It also didn’t help I was wearing a shirt that said, “Let’s get drunk and make some bad decisions.”

Let's Get Drunk and Make Bad Decisions

Friday, feeling not too bad, we went to the wedding in full suits.  It was outdoors and just hot and humid enough to melt.  My daughter was dying of thirst and proclaimed that “I am so thirsty that I hope it rains so I can drink it and cool off.”

It poured from the beginning of the four minute ceremony until the end.  Well played, universe.

Now, the typical person would look at this event and see an unmitigated disaster.  All the planning, all the stress, all the work, all gone in an instant with a deluge of water.  The superstitious person would take this as a good sign.  I took it as a chance for this couple to remember their wedding day forever.  And I told the bride, “You know that thing you worry about happening on your wedding day?  That thing that could ruin it all.   Well, that was it.  That is the worst thing that will happen today, I guarantee it.  And you know what?  It wasn’t that bad.   We got through the wedding in four minutes, you’re married, and no one is hot anymore.”  

I forgot about the fact that none of us were going to be able to wear these clothes to the reception, unfortunately.  There was one guest laundry facility in the hotel and it was being used.  So, I ended up wearing the shirt from the night before and jeans, because it was the cleanest change of clothes I had to wear.

So, there I am in jeans and a t-shirt, seated at a wedding alongside people in suits.  Worse yet,  I was the best man and had to give a toast.  A toast I worked very hard on writing and was typed up,  printed out, folded in quarters, and nestled snuggly in my suit coat pocket.   It was a horrible mess and disintegrated in my hands.   But I used that.  I used that and the fact that I was now dressed in street clothes to get my point across.  I love these people, dearly, and it was probably the easiest speech I ever gave from memory.  

I stood up and immediately acknowledged what happened to my clothes and pulled out the sopping mess of a speech to great laughs.   The audience was mine.   I spoke about how I had known the groom for 17 years and how he never took my advice about anything.  His past relationships came up, playfully mind you, and without malice.  Then I mentioned how the first meeting with his bride, during a vacation, immediately resulted in acceptance and love from complete strangers.  She was, in fact, the perfect person for him.  He had finally taken my advice.  Then, a cell phone went off, saving me at a transitional dead end.  It was the familiar ringtone of the Theme From The Godfather, emanating from a friend who everyone knew and I used that to my advantage to bring back the crowd.   I then proceeded to give the following advice to the couple.

1. Communicate.  I don't mean talk to each other.  I mean listen.  Tell each other what you want.  Share your hopes, thoughts, fears, everything.  Don't expect each other to guess or automatically know.  That's years down the road.  You guys are still only three years into your relationship.  You have a lot to learn about each other.
   
   
2. Fight.  I don't mean physically, mind you.  There is nothing that could be more detrimental to your longevity than giving up on something just because you don't care.  Whether it's an argument over paint colors or money or the future of your marriage. If you are passionate about it, you need to defend that.  Exhaust all possibilities or you will set up a pattern of abuse that will erode your individuality and integrity and resentment will creep in quickly.
   
   
3. Don't Get Comfortable.  Marriage is not about reinventing the wheel.   After a year or two, you'll get into a rhythm and things will become automatic.  You may not even notice it.  It's gets boring and stagnated and eventually you start to just ignore each other because you think that being married means never being alone.  Always stay on edge and on top of things.
   
   
4. Have Fun.  Don't be afraid to do stupid things every once in awhile.  Get out of your comfort zone and fail.  Be spontaneous. I just had my 20 year reunion last weekend and this couple who graduated in 1951, crashed it.  This 87 year old guy was out dancing with a bunch of 38 year old women and he basically owned the joint.  His date , who he had reconnected with after 60 years, told me "He loves to just have fun.  That's what you gotta do.  You gotta have fun."  They had separate rooms that night, but I think only one got used.

Every word was true.   I spoke from experience.  I spoke from failure.  I spoke from the heart.  I can only hope they remember it as much as they do their wedding.

Anniversary Mix Tape Post

Today is my sixth anniversary.  My wife and I were married in 2004 and she's managed to put up with me for six years.  That should get her some kind of medal, to be sure.  So, as a schmaltzy token of my love,  I offer this post as a mix tape of sorts.   Here are a few music videos of our "songs."   Love ya, baby. 

 

Mengagement Rings

The 21st century, ahhhh, you can just smell the progress. We have devices as big as a stamp to play hundreds of our favorite songs but can’t get rid of the crap that is on the radio. We have cars that run on both gasoline and electrical power yet they don’t fly yet. A lot of inventions over the last ten years and a lot of conventions tested like legal marriage between members of the opposite sex or what Carrie Prejean loves to call “opposite marriage.” It just goes to show as smart as we’ve become, we’ve still allowed stupid people to open their mouth on television….but then again if stupid people weren’t allowed to talk, I wouldn’t have a blog. I mean that from a standpoint of authorship…not subject matter.

But I am way off on my point, here. It seems that jewelers are trying to push the idea of an engagement ring for men or as I call it the Mengagement Ring. In essence, instead of just forking over thousands of dollars for a solitaire diamond for your intended bride to be you can also buy yourself one. I’m sure somewhere in all this, there is a level playing field where the fiancée is paying for this mengagement ring but still consider that it is most likely a plain band and not weighted down with a huge rock. Those are called class rings after all.

Wow, if this isn’t a great way to bastardize marriage then I call your attention to the pre-engagement ring. Yes, we have a ring called a promise ring that signifies your intent to be in a monogamous relationship with the intent to not marry but get engaged at a later date. Well, why not just go the extra step and have a promise-to-ring? The premise is simple. You go out to a bar and find a lovely lady and after a few drinks you go back to her place and spend the night. Then, at 6:50 AM you scurry to put your pants on and leave without waking her up, only leaving a little ring on her pillow that says, “I promise to call you.”

It’s not that I dislike the practice of committing yourself to someone, but do we really need a piece of metal to enforce it? After all, isn’t marriage an idea, a vow. It isn’t a physical object that can be distilled into a monetary amount such as two month’s salary. If it is, then don’t marry someone who is unemployed. I, myself, did not follow the standard convention in picking out a ring and my intended bride was happy with that. I wanted to at least traditional and buy her a ring and she picked it out, price tag and all. She was practical. She would rather me spend my two month’s salary more responsibly and would rather get something that she wasn’t afraid to wear.

Yet behind that she didn’t need a ring to ensure my commitment to our relationship. The ring is a thing. Our love was not represented by that. So, to say, nowadays, that you can get his loyalty by slapping a ring on that finger is just as ridiculous as getting one that signifies a commitment to eventually ask you to marry him as well. This is simply the jewelry industry looking at the white space and finding a way to take more money out of your pocket.

Not to mention the poor bastard that has to wear it like a dog collar. Oh to be a fly on the wall when the fiancé who sports a mengagement ring walks into his favorite bar and gets flack from his friends. “So, when’s the dress fitting? You get the ring, she gets the balls, huh?” Let’s face it. As far as outdated traditions go, in today’s world, the act of giving a man a ring to signify an engagement is just as bad as not giving a woman one. And how do we ask a man to marry him. Do you take him to the Olive Garden and put the ring into his salad, hoping he won’t choke on it? Let me tell you something. A run of the mill guy will probably chew on it first. He may even swallow it before realizing what it is. Put it in his beer? It’s gone. We aren’t that perceptive. Have the Jumbotron announce it during the football game he shelled out hundreds of dollars to go see? You’ll probably get a good shot of him trying to hail the nachos guy or beating up the poor bastard who bravely sat in the home section wearing the visitors’ jersey.

If you’re doing this out of paranoia that he might cheat on you and that this mengagement ring is an ironclad symbol of his commitment, you probably would have done better to spend the money on hiring a private detective to find out if he’s been cheating on you. Chances are if you have mounting evidence that your fiancé is cheating on you, a ring isn’t going to stop it. Hell, sometimes a wedding ring doesn’t stop it. A swift kick to curb will at least end it for you.

And what is the protocol should the engagement end? If you bought it does that mean we have to give it back? I can see the Customer Disservice Representatives at Cash4Gold trying to appraise a mengagement ring and scamming the seller for a good 20% of its real value.

Don’t fall for this cheap ploy by jewelers and save the money for something better. I have a few ideas.

1. LCD HD Television
2. Tickets for a Major League Sporting Event
3. Pay Per View UFC or other MMA Ticket and Beer and Wings for him and his buddies (You could call it a Man Shower but that would be nasty)
4. A year of NFL Network or other Sporting Channel
5. Pick up a couple of truck payments
6. PS3, Wii, Xbox
7. Pay for a professional lawn service to take care of the yard once or twice
8. New grill
9. New Power Tool ( Hey you want a diamond ring, we want a diamond blade)
10. Take him out for a nice dinner, a movie, and whatever else you can think of to celebrate your engagement.

So, get in the pit and try to love someone. Just don't spend stupid money.

Remember Remember the 6th of November

I haven't lost my coconuts. I meant that number 6 in the title. Yesterday was, duh, November 5th, Guy Fawkes Day or as you kids today call him, that guy from V from Vendetta. Anyway, I had my Facebook status set to the rhyme of Guy Fawkes as I always like to be either A: Obscure in my pop culture referencing nature or B: Relative to the actual events of the time I post it. This being November 5th, I was sort of both, I guess.

But now, it's November 6th or as I call it, my anniversary. Five years ago, today, I wore down my then fiancee enough to say "I do." Since then, she's been saying "I DOH!" So, for today's status update I did a little rhyme all my own.

Remember, Remember, the 6th of November
of wedding bells and tying of knot.
Here's to 5 kiddo. You'd surely be a widow,
if ever, our anniversary, I forgot.

Please, please no applause needed. Kidding.

So, people have asked me what I plan on doing for our anniversary. Well, I've never been one to keep up with traditions like this. We made a pact early on in our marriage to not go crazy for days like this or Valentine's Day. Neither one of us have the energy for it. I think we've only done two or three things for either of those days in our entire tenure as a couple.

The first was Valentine's Day of 1999. My wife was still a student at Seton Hill University and I was just some old college grad that hung around with these kids. However, they were willing to play ball with me in one endeavor. I asked one of the group that we used to run with to help me in a plot to surprise my girl. She would be busy until later in the evening so I had plenty of time to gather up my stuff and spring my plan into action.

I stowed away in one of the parlor's outside of Cecilian Hall and set up a table and chairs, complete with table cloth, candles, flatware, silverware, and my trusty boom box. Then I went and placed a to go order with a local restaurant that she and I liked. I went and picked up the food and brought it back, all with the blessing of security, thanks to one of our group of friends. My wife came into the parlor and was taken back. She was always a bit shy around me even after months of dating. She could never look me in the eye. Now, I have that problem, usually because I'm trouble. Still we had a nice romantic dinner for two in a beautifully designed space, complete with candlelight and mood music.

Skip ahead a few years...more like five...to our first Valentine's Day in our home. My wife sprung the surprise on me by doing up our family room with candles and music, complete with takeout Chinese food for dinner. Trust me, this is just fine by me. I thought it was an awesome form of reciprocation.

As for our anniversary we really don't do that much. The most we ever did was go out to Ruth's Chris Steakhouse and then spent the night at the Holiday Inn next Shadyside UPMC Hospital which was real nice. That time we had the help of my Mother-in-Law and her partner in crime at work to arrange for the reservation through our travel department at work. It's nice to have friends in high places. It was a pretty spectacular room.

But being a milestone like number five, we thought we would indulge a little bit. However, having a two year old makes it a little hard to get away for a night. We can only rely on babysitters so much and we have been burning the candle at both ends with help since we are trying to save up some money for the holidays by taking on extra work.

Still, I figure we can at least go out for an evening and make it home for bath time. That's why we plan on recreating our honeymoon for our fifth anniversary. My wife is going to be deathly ill with a cold and I'm going to attempt to smuggle duty free whiskey across the Canadian border into the U.S. We're already half way there. My wife's had strep throat and been under the weather for a few weeks now.

To give a small explanation of what I'm talking about, let's step in the way back machine and travel to 2004. Monday, November 8th to be exact. After out wedding we loaded up the best damn car on the planet, my 1997 Chevy Cavalier, and drove from Pittsburgh to Niagara Falls. I booked us a room at the Embassy Suites overlooking the falls. They must have been hard up for guests because they were nice enough to upgrade us to the Jr. something suite complete with free valet parking. We also got free buffet breakfast at the KEG restaurant and complimentary manager's reception cocktails in the afternoon. It was rather posh for a couple of goofs like us who were used to the Gazebo Inn in Myrtle Beach for $99.00 a night.

We had a two room suite with living room and nice huge bathroom with a door that opened above the jacuzzi tub so that you could look out the big ass window and see the falls. Not to mention I loved the shower in that place. It was the kinds with it's own room and you just walked into it and it had jets in the walls. Besides the electric fireplace in the room we had a nice big television and one of the coolest channels, the falls' view channel.

Well, after our first night there, my wife got extremely sick and congested and spent most of our stay in the other room among a pile of tissues. I was already to go out and gamble our wedding reception haul away at the casinos but we ended up spending most of our time in our hotel asking around for a pharmacy in the area. In all, we had a pretty decent time and I ended up winning about $50 on Spanish 21.

On our way home we came all the way through to Buffalo and forgot to stop and exchange our money. So, I had to drive back into Canada and stop at the Duty Free store right over the border. Picked up a few items of interest and then headed home.

This weekend, liquor aside, I think we'll head down to the new Casino in Pittsburgh and have a nice dinner but my wife will probably be chasing hers with some Robitussin. Should be a fun time in the steel town tonight.

Bride and Prejudice

I wrote this out in my head on a synaptic cocktail napkin while attending my cousin’s wedding in York, PA. I had planned a whole series on weddings involving tips and other anecdotes for couples looking to get married but decided against it in favor of a little advice and wisdom to my two year old who is dancing with her cousin to a God awful Dance House remix version of Journey's “Don’t Stop Believing.”

I know. It’s blasphemous. I expected more from a DJ chosen by a couple who first met at a hardcore punk concert called, “Kill Your Idols” and now culminated their courtship by entering into the reception hall to Joey Ramone’s cover of “What a Wonderful World.” While the bride and her attendants were more traditional, the guys donned red Chucks to match their red ties.

Song and shoe selections, aside, I have only a few pieces of Fatherly wisdom for my little one as I dread the years to come that will be filled with boys and men and headaches and heartaches. If only I could lock her away until she’s 30. Undoubtedly, being my child, she’ll be able to figure a way out using a bobby pin and a duct tape.

First off, little one, as I refer to her in the blogosphere, elope. We’ll give you the money from the wedding to start off on your new life together or at least put a sizable down payment on a house.
Weddings have been done to death. You spend a lot of money and time trying to find all the pieces to this ornate puzzle and it all gets ruined by some weird thing. Not to mention you don’t even get to enjoy the day because you are being pulled in so many different directions that when all is said and done, you don’t even remember those pictures of you being taken. Go, get married on a beach or in a small ceremony and enjoy a nice time alone. These days, weddings are more a show for family and friends than they are about commemorating an event. If you are dead set on a ceremony then fine, but if there is a hint of doubt, I’ll try my best to save you and that boy the anguish of all that planning gone to waste.

If you do plan on going through with a ceremony, do it in the early to mid Fall. Everyone and their sister gets married in the summer. It’s hard enough trying to schedule everything as it is, having to deal with the peak wedding season is ridiculous. Also, it’s freaking hot, although the Summer of 2009 panned out to be unseasonably cool and wet. If you wait until Fall you get cooler temperatures and better colors with the foliage. That is if you plan on getting married around here. The wedding we were just at was at a place called Lauxmont Farms in Wrightsville, PA. It was a beautiful reception in their Rotunda but at three hours away, we were ready to make you walk home after being a little cranky for two straight days.

Don’t get hung up on the details. Before you know it the deal is done and you don’t remember any of it, anyway. Hell, I remember going through the whole ceremony only to suddenly forget my left from my right when it came time to put the rings on. I handed your mother the wrong hand and she didn’t even think twice about it. It wasn’t until we went down to hand the flowers to both sets of parents that my Father laughingly whispered into my ear, “ You’ve got the ring on the wrong hand, genius.” I covered but if he noticed, I’m sure someone else did.

Let’s just realize that bridesmaid’s dresses are perhaps the ugliest thing in the world no matter how you slice it. Again, I bring you back to point one as it is a stupid dress that no one will ever wear after the wedding day. You can’t take them back and you can’t resell them because who in their right mind would want such an ugly dress. So, just remember, you are the star and you don’t need to make everyone else around you look worse by dressing them in loud colors with unflattering angles.

Go on your honeymoon and don’t skimp. Your Mother and I opted to try and be a little frugal by going to Niagara Falls for four days since we were a month from Christmas. She spent most of the time sick as a dog in bed and the weather was cold in Canada in November….go figure. It’s been five years and since you came along, the odds of us being able to go on that official honeymoon I promised her are about as good as your Grandmother actually having that yard sales she keeps saying she’ll have. Honestly, my mother has loads of boxes in the garage labeled “Yard Sale” They’ve lived in that house 25 years and those boxes were from 20 years ago.

Lastly, do me a favor and marry someone you can feel comfortable with before you get married. Realize that while 50% of marriages may end in divorce, a good percentage of the ones that do survive do so out of fear of being a statistic. Settling for someone is never an answer and anything that you find intolerable as a couple before you get married won’t change afterwards. Men and women go through life letting their parents’ set the tone for how they perceive a partner. “You have to train a man.” “Remember, he’s dumb and doesn’t get it.” “You’re the one who is really in charge.” “Women are too concerned with the little things.” “Women shop and aren’t very smart about things.” These are stereotypes that are a product of all us growing up in the shadow of our parents. While your Mother and I are not exactly carbon cutouts of our parents, I believe we got the best parts and will try to at least pass that onto you. Just remember, it’s easy to get married, it’s hard to stay that way.

So, as I sit here watching you twirl around on your toes to this horrible version of a beloved classic I am saddened that someday you will grow up and you will get married. Although, I’ll be happy that you’ve found someone to love and that loves you, the sting of being replaced as the man in your life will hurt all the same, if not more. I can only hope that we can teach you well in this world and that you find that one person that gets you and can make you happy. My parting advice is this. Treat each other with respect, be friends first then lovers, and for the sake of all involved, don’t subject us to the Electric Slide.