2010 D-Bag Awards Four: Political D-Bags

Round four of the nominations goes to the political d-bags that made this year so d-bagarific. Yes, the list of noms looks a little slanted towards one side, but stick with me on this one.



Christine O'Donnell
She ran for the Senate in Delaware under the banner of the Tea Party Movement. What happened after the primaries was one of the funniest campaigns since Sarah Palin looked up from her house and saw Russia, declaring six more weeks of idiocy. As far as her own idiocy is concerned, here are some highlights, in no particular order. She criticised reckless government spending yet she had financial difficulties that made her look more fiscally irresponsible. Then she attacked her opponent, Mike Castle, by insinuating that he was having a homosexual affair. She ended up winning the primary. Various stories floated around that she was in a Masters program at Princeton, while she didn't receive her undergraduate until 2010. Her LinkedIn profile was a bit off, listing Oxford as a place of study, and she claims it was not created by her. She asked voters to keep an open mind about her but played the conservative, no hey diddle diddle with your kitty in the middle because it was just as bad as adultery. Meanwhile, her own past was wrought with various sexual experiences including the best of all, the witchcraft card. Oh yes, if you haven't seen the videos or heard the stories, little miss goodie two shoes was a witch.

Was she?

No.

First off, she was poser. Anyone remotely associated with the real kind of witchcraft that gets bastardized in the media and throughout organized religion has nothing to do with Satanism, yet O'Donnell claims she dabbled in witchcraft and had sex on a Satanic altar with animal blood. Um, Satanism and Witchcraft are two different things. Pagan (real witch stuff) predates Christianity. So, she's basically stupid in two religions. Also, going on that whole crusade against evil pretty much makes her a hypocrite. This witch shouldn't be throwing rune stones.

Bill Maher showing witch clip from Politically Incorrect

Sarah Palin
Palmgate, Fencegate, Trig-Gate, and pretty much any other list of ridiculous gates that have come out of the three ring circus that started once she decided to quit her job as Governor of Alaska. Well, she had to, in order to spend more time gaining fame from the media circuit in order to build up a following should she feel the urge to, oh I don't know, run for President in 2012. First she used her son, Trig, as a prop in most of her early appearances. Then we had the Hillbilly Palm Pilot or the Palin Prompter occur. As a contributor to Fox News, Palin supposedly interviewed LL Cool J and Toby Keith, but both of those interviews were lifted from previous interviews in which Palin was never involved in as an interviewer. As someone who continually berated the President for using a teleprompter it comes as a surprise that she would get caught red handed doing the same thing during a speech. Not to let an opportunity to make waves go by, she also defended idiot extraordinaire Laura Schlessinger's use of the "N" word during a radio show. Apparently, Palin forgets that First Amendment rights do not extend themselves to employers, who can fire or suspend whomever they want to, for violating company ethics. The latest in d-baggery is the whole reality show that allows Sarah Palin to hunt and slaughter just about anything she can get her sharpie palms on these days. If only the camping trip with Kate Gosselin would have turned into a Timothy Treadwell documentary, or a pillow fight, that would have been something.

 

Palmgate from Inside Edition

Bill O'Reilly
The political pinhead made major news during the whole Ground Zero Mosque debate when he went on The View and pretty much generalized the entire issue of 9/11 as "Muslims killed us on 9/11." That statement and the ensuing argument caused Whoopi Goldberg and Joy Behar to leave the set, much to the chargrin of Barbara Walters who chided her cohosts for the act of defiance. The entire issue over the Mosque site can be boiled down to the d-baggery statement, uttered by O'Reilly. Whether or not the Mosque should be built near or within a few city blocks is debatable. It could be called a power play or a simple matter of available real estate. However, the misconception that Muslims were responsible for what happened on 9/11 is the basis for most of the issues we have in this day and age. The assigning of blame to an entire class, race, gender, or religious identity for the actions of extremists within that group is what has eroded the fabric of humanity. All Muslims are not terrorists, just as all Christians are not like Pat Robertson or Jerry Falwell. All political pundits are not like Bill O'Reilly, just the d-bags.  :)

Bill O'Reilly on The View

Glenn Beck
The Rally to Restore Honor was neither a rally or honorable. It was a publicity stunt, pure and simple, down to the date and location of the event, August 28 at the Lincoln Memorial. Beck billed his rally as a way for Americans to unite regardless of political affiliation or religious background. Figures in attendance were grosely miscalculated as much as the message that was being given at the rally. Boiling it all down, it was simply a way to generate publicity for Beck. He is, by his own admission, not a political pundit. He is an entertainer. He says he could give a rat's ass about politics. If that is not honorable, then I don't know what is.

Tea Party Movement
The movement was supposed to be a call to arms for Americans, tired of government. What it became was a puppet of the GOP's plans to take back government by using waht they felt was a necessary tool, fear. Fear that government, and Democrats, were trying to socialize, grow, and take over everything in America. But, I guess I should disqualify them and I do. I am simply playing into my own argument of blaming an entire organization for the acts of individuals. Those individuals used the Tea Party as a platform to be racist, homophobic, ethnocentric, comparing Obama to Hitler and Lenin, among other d-baggery. So, I humbly excuse the Tea Party Movement from being nominated and move onto the winner of this round.

Politicians in general
There I go, generalizing again, but I can't help it. This year was all about the political process. The movements, the elections, the bills, the everything. It has all boiled down to this. The political process in this country has been about getting in control, not actually doing the right thing for America. It doesn't matter if it's a Democrat or Republican, Red or Blue, Left or Right. Whether it be Mitch McConnell declaring that his highest achievement should be to make Obama a one-term president or Obama going back on his word to end the Bush era tax cuts, everything has been about control, not the American people. In the words of Bill Murray from Ghostbusters II, "I'm a voter. Aren't you supposed to lie to me and kiss my butt?" Mitch McConnell's single highest achievement should not be making sure that Obama is a one-term president. It should be to do what is best for the people he serves, whomever might be in charge of country. He needs to not stall or kill things as a power struggle, but to work together and get things done in order to make this country a better place. Instead of working against each other, how about they all start working with each other. We all wanted change and we would have gotten it if they would have all stopped playing the part of the bitter playground kid who didn't like how the game was going and took their ball and went home. Suck it up, d-bags. We elected you. We changed the team line up in 2010 and don't think we won't do it again come next election. Everyone is getting a full count from now on and there is little room for anyone to screw up here.

2009 D-Bag Award Finals

2009 has been an utterly strange year. The strangest this decade. We’ve had unprecedented events and the usual nonsense that goes along with D-Bags of all walks of life. Before us, we have six exceptional finalists who have gone above and beyond the normal amount of mischief to land them in this round.

6. Sarah Palin
She started off the year licking her wounds and getting blamed for the loss of the Presidency which wasn't exactly fair. After all, it wasn't her fault McCain didn't get elected. She really had no business being his running mate. But, she did not go gently into that good night. She resigned her post as governor with no real explanation as to why, although it became clear. She wanted to go on a book tour, toting young Trig around to boost her cred among conservative mothers. I'm sure she'll refuse to go away come 2012 and by then, if she can still find ways to be relevant, the GOP will probably take her in a back room somewhere and reprogram her to be their candidate. Of course, being 2012, the world will probably end if she were to win.

5. Richard Heene
Richard Heene wanted fame. He wanted it so bad, he was willing to stage one of the dumbest and improbable stunts ever. He launched a Mylar balloon and pretended to be worried that his son, Falcon, was aboard. The scientific evidence was against him from the start but that didn't matter. We believed it was as plausible as the idea that a cable technician could bring down an alien armada with a Mac and a computer virus in ID4. Apparently, aliens don't have Norton or McAfee. As the story...ballooned...and everybody got caught up in the mass hysteria, Heene probably realized that he was in over his head. His son was in the garage, his ass was on the line, and Falcon's lunch was all over his lap. Finally, the truth came out. Heene is going to jail and cannot profit from the incident in any way or he will violate his probation.

4. Kanye West
Between attacking paparazzi at the airport and interrupting Taylor Swift at the VMA's, Kanye managed to make a mockery of his celebrity. I knew he had it in him but I can't think of why he thought it would have been a good idea to grab the mic from Swift and declare Beyonce's video the best of all time. Unfortunately, I have to agree with him. I cannot fathom the appeal of Taylor Swift, who for all intents and purposes, cannot sing live. I've had the displeasure of listening to her on several occasions and she just doesn't have the vocal control that someone who is considered the entertainer of the year should have. She wouldn't even make it to the finals of American Idol and that's saying something about talent, or lack there of. But this is about Kanye. Ever since his off script ad lib during the Katrina benefit he was bound to become an even bigger D-Bag. I only wish I could have put money on it.

3. Tiger Woods
I am not even what you would consider an amateur golfer. I suck. I have a slice that is almost like a boomerang. But I liked Tiger Woods on the course. He was/is a tremendous athlete and was/is destined for history. Unfortunately, 2009 was more about Tiger's infidelity than his playing. As the world crumbled around him, he could have taken the high road and admitted to it, stopping the machine that is the gossip media online and on television. However, he chose to be secretive about it, thinking it would go away, and it did, after 10 plus mistresses came out, his wife moved out and his endorsements shied away. Dave Letterman played his own infidelity best by owning up to his mistakes and then continually bashing himself. Tiger chose to do the one thing a huge celebrity can't, retreat. Arnie Palmer said it best. "If you want to be normal, you should give the money back."

2. Bernie Madoff
He screwed a hell of a lot of people with a very high price tag. Granted, he went to jail for it but the damage is irreparable in some cases. He did to individuals what the entire gang of suits on Wall Street did the American Public. That’s saying a lot. But in the scheme of things, he’s nothing more than a petty thief. He’s getting his justice, I hope, repeatedly and very dry.

1. Death
It almost seems like an unfair fight, here. After all, how do you compete with Death unless you are Bill S. Preston, esquire and Ted Theodore Logan? Still, look back at the amount of people who have died this year because of this guy. My pop culture childhood is almost completely gone. Celebrity aside, Death is usually a ringer for a D-Bag award every year. He claims millions of lives every year and he managed to take three more famous lives while the tournament was going on. He nailed Brittany Murphy, Vic Chestnut and Arnold Stang. Once the lists have been counted and the years analyzed someone more reputable than me will look back at 2009 and see that the year was most known for how many famous people died.

So, there you have it Mongo faithful. The biggest douche bag of 2009 is the Grim Reaper himself, Death. Maybe next year someone can take the trophy from him but I highly doubt it.