2010 D-Bag Awards Round One: Jock D-Bags

First up are the playmakers and d-baggers of the sports world. We’ve got infidelity, drunken antics, pictures of winkies being texted, team changers, and a power tripping commissioner.


Tiger Woods
His biggest act of dickery came in 2009. He had cheated on his wife, Elin Nordgren and completely destroyed his persona of this elite golfer with a genial appeal. 2010 kicked off with the discovery of many different women Tiger had given the long ball to. Making matters worse, Tiger had a subpar year in golf, missing the cut at the Masters and various low placing spots in the other Majors events. There was also the creepy, egotistical ad campaign from Nike involving a video which featured narration by his Dad, the late Earl Woods. Did he learn anything? Probably not. It will be some time before Tiger returns to form. Of course, if he were to retire tomorrow, he’d still be able to live lavishly.

 

Tiger Woods Commercial Narrated By His Late Father

Ben Roethlisberger
Ben can look back at 2009, from a professional standpoint and be proud. His personal stats were phenomenal, breaking franchise records left and right. Even though the Steelers failed to make the playoffs, Ben’s performance rating was great, overall. However, off the field his antics in a Georgia bar landed him in the hot seat which kicked off 2010 with an investigation into possible sex assault charges, which were dropped due to lack of evidence, and a four game suspension, which was upheld due to lack of common sense by the NFL and fellow nominee Roger Goodell. But Ben has made good on his suspension, completing whatever steps he needed to earn his way back into the good graces of the league. Even if there are chants of “No means no!” in the event that Ben plays in his third Super Bowl appearance in February, you cannot argue that Ben is a tough as nails player, shrugging off a broken foot, broken nose, a inexperienced and struggling offensive line, and the constant evil eyes he gets from those who feel he was guilty of a crime in order to continually win games for his team. You have to wonder if maybe he’s playing at this level and through the adversity in order to redeem himself in the eyes of his team and his fans. Odds are, if he hoists a Lombardi trophy in Dallas, this coming February, he’s probably going to be given a pass. I won’t say that I, personally, have not forgiven him for his attitude off the field but, I’m just glad he got rid of that stupid haircut. He may still be a lifelong d-bag and only the off season will tell.

Big Ben Story on WTAE

LeBron James
James played in Cleveland for seven years without bringing home a championship. In July, he became a free agent and began being courted by other teams in the NBA. His biggest dick move came from holding a televised special announcing his decision to leave Cleveland for Miami. Now, free agency is what it is. I am not bothered by the fact that LeBron left Cleveland. I am bothered by the fact that he informed his employers just minutes before the LIVE telecast and wasted all of America’s time with such a piece of self-inflated egotistical douchebaggery.

LeBron Interview and Decision

Brett Favre
When it comes time for Brett Favre to be inducted into the Football Hall of Fame, no one will deny his deserving of being there, not even me. However, the fact that he should have retired um, 1000 times already makes him the number one sports douchebag in my book, alone. How many times will he make the world wait to see if he’ll decide to leave the farm and go to camp? How many backup quarterbacks will join teams hoping for a legitimate shot of starting, only to have Brett say, “Hmm, should I retire? Hmmm, naaaaahhh!” Then again, how many times are we going to have to use bleach on our minds to scrub away the image of Little Brett being texted to Jen Sterger? The QB supposedly sent inappropriate texts, including one of his Mini Viking to Sterger in 2008, along with voice mails. He admitted to the voice mails but denied he was the one who sent the texts. Whether he acted on all those bad intentions he had, this much is for sure. The lack of disciplinary action against Favre for these acts just makes Roger Goodell look more and more like the king of all d-bags.

 

Pants on the Ground Foreshadowing?

Derek Jeter
Love them or hate them, the Yankees are an elite ball club. They play to win, even if they have to cheat to do it. Back in September, a pitch bounced off the end of Jeter’s bat and Jeter pretended to be hit. He even had the trainer look at his arm in an effort to sell his injury. Taking his base gave the Yankees a chance to score, helping their race to the playoffs. While Instant Replay isn’t used in baseball in this fashion, repeated viewings of the clip, clearly shows the bat being hit and Jeter admitted as much, later. So, is what he did cheating or just part of the game? Yeah, his job is to get on base and help his team win games, but what does that say to all the impressionable young fans and players he has become a role model to? Win at all costs and don’t get caught. Bud Selig should take a page out of Goodell’s book and start fining players for poor sportsmanship. Then again, the Yankees would probably get preferential treatment like certain Hair Club For Men Members QB’ing up North.

 

Jeter Cheeter

And The Winner – LeBron James
LeBron may not have cheated in basketball, assaulted anyone, sent inappropriate pictures of himself or cheated on his wife, like the others, but his actions involving his decision to leave Cleveland were ridiculous. The town is not the greatest, I get that. But they welcomed you in 2003 and cheered you on, buying merchandise with your number and likeness. In turn, just because you didn’t get that brass ring, you decided that their devotion was second or third rate and jumped ship to a better team. And you did for the publicity. You went on live television and indirectly declared that your decision to go to Miami should more important and newsworthy than a war in Afghanistan, a environmental disaster in the Gulf of Mexico, a natural disaster in Haiti, and any number of issues this country has faced coming out of the recession. Kudos LeBron, you are the biggest D-Bag of this round.





Honorable mention time
I wanted to limit the category to five nominees but had to at least mention Steve Johnson of the Buffalo Bills because he blamed God for him dropping a game winning catch against the Steelers. And to top it all off, he did it over Twitter. Granted, the continual praising and thanking of God for anyone’s abilities to make millions of dollars to play a sport has become so blasé that it demeans a higher power and comes off as inauthentic. However, blasted said higher power and the fact that you did it over a social network like Twitter just makes you look like a complete ass.

A Mongo Confession

In light of recent news stories such as Tiger Woods and Jesse James, I felt that it was unfortunate but necessary to come forward with an admittance and apology. My behavior is not excusable nor expected of someone who tries to uphold certain values. Although I am not without faults and far short of perfect I cannot make excuses for my actions. Instead of dealing with these issues and shortcomings away from the daily life I have come to lead, I feel the need to cleanse my soul and start the healing with you, my readers.
I never thought it would be so hard to walk that line and coming to grips with what has transpired in recent years is going to take some time. I do not ask for forgiveness but support in making things right. I know I am asking far more than I deserve but by seeking help I am making that first step towards closure and I thank those who have chosen to come together around me instead of shying away in fear and disgust.

The heart of the matter is that I have had several secret relationships with other women since before and after my marriage. I did treat my marriage honestly and have made several efforts to conceal my actions over the years. Now, I can sit here and tell that these others meant nothing to me and that it was just mindless engagements but that would be lying. I have had multiple encounters with these others and continued to participate in secretive activity with them while my wife was even in the house. It is amazing how you can conceal certain things if you truly wish to. Unfortunately, remnants of our trysts were left behind and were and now I am forced to come clean. Quite frankly, maybe I wished this upon myself. Perhaps the strain of concealing these acts was too much and I unconsciously put myself in the path of discovery in order to end the charade. I do admit that having my wife walk into our kitchen and catch me in an embrace with one of these others was regretful but ultimately, I have hurt her more than I can ever know.

Now, in the interest of protecting all parties, I was advised to not divulge the names of these other women but I feel that by concealing their identities they will undoubtedly be thrust into focus in an attempt to capitalize on what could be considered a scandalous situation. I have conferred with all parties and have been given clearance by all but one to announce their identities in the hopes that we can stop the wildfires of gossip before the flames can be fanned. This is extremely difficult and I find that my hands are shaking as I write this.

The names of the involved parties are:
Wendy
Dolly Madison
Little Debbie
Sara Lee
Betty Crocker
an unnamed Hostess
Dairy Queen

Please accept my sincerest apologies for breaking the trust we had between us. I will try to be a better person.

UK Hotels Offer Bed Warmers To Guests Who Promise Not To Raid Mini Bar

I have done my share of staying in hotels over the years. Whether it be business or vacation I have stayed in everything from a Holiday Inn to the no tell motel right off the interstate. Now, everyone talks about how hotel rooms are pretty much worse than sleeping in the bathroom at the bus station but I try to give the benefit of the doubt. Besides, all I need is a nice Silkwood shower and a complete change of blood and I’ll be fine. Unfortunately, they don’t offer that with Triple AAA.


But, the next time… which will also be the first time, I ever travel to Great Britain, I might decide to skip staying in a Holiday Inn. “Why?” you say. After all, statistics show that by staying in a Holiday Inn you can do anything in life from pilot a commercial aircraft to playing Madison Square Garden as a rock star, at least that’s what I was led to believe after years of “But I did stay in a Holiday Inn” commercials. However, this recent story on Reuters makes me feel like spending the extra money on a hoity toity hotel just to be on the safe side. Dumber, but safer.


According to the story, certain Holiday Inns offer, by request, a bed warmer. Now, most people would think that with turn down service you might find a nice little electric blanket switched on, warming up your bed, but here the warmer is some guy named Rupert who works in maintenance. That’s right. They warmer is a hotel employee who comes to your room and slips between your sheets to bring the temperature up to a balmy 68 degrees. Now, that’s service.


Look, I’ve been in hotel rooms with Syroco furniture, no phone and a bathroom so small you have to step into the tub to open or shut the door. I’ve also stayed in ones with a shower that you just walk into and has jets all over the walls. The one thing that should be universal, regardless of features or amenities is cleanliness. I’ve worked in the hotel industry and I’ve had to toss rooms in the morning and believe me, I was a bit put off that they didn’t change the comforters with every reservation. I can understand if you are staying a few nights but this was mainly a business and wedding place that had a high rate of turnovers in guests. News reports about bed bugs and bodily fluids make me want to take a sleeping bag and hang it from the closet and dangle like a caterpillar in a cocoon.


This, however goes beyond the “ick” factor. This is like, let’s stick a big ole sweaty guy in your room for twenty minutes to warm up the sheets. I actually prefer turning down the nice crisp sheets and feeling a little bit of coolness. Then I flip the pillow a few times looking for the cool side. I really don’t want someone else’s athlete foot ridden tootsies and who knows what else stewing in the pocket of sheets.


Granted, these are specifically by request and only in Britain, so I don’t think we have to worry about it here. Although, I think here they just call it the Tiger Guest Package and the person doesn’t leave until the morning.

2009 D-Bag Award Finals

2009 has been an utterly strange year. The strangest this decade. We’ve had unprecedented events and the usual nonsense that goes along with D-Bags of all walks of life. Before us, we have six exceptional finalists who have gone above and beyond the normal amount of mischief to land them in this round.

6. Sarah Palin
She started off the year licking her wounds and getting blamed for the loss of the Presidency which wasn't exactly fair. After all, it wasn't her fault McCain didn't get elected. She really had no business being his running mate. But, she did not go gently into that good night. She resigned her post as governor with no real explanation as to why, although it became clear. She wanted to go on a book tour, toting young Trig around to boost her cred among conservative mothers. I'm sure she'll refuse to go away come 2012 and by then, if she can still find ways to be relevant, the GOP will probably take her in a back room somewhere and reprogram her to be their candidate. Of course, being 2012, the world will probably end if she were to win.

5. Richard Heene
Richard Heene wanted fame. He wanted it so bad, he was willing to stage one of the dumbest and improbable stunts ever. He launched a Mylar balloon and pretended to be worried that his son, Falcon, was aboard. The scientific evidence was against him from the start but that didn't matter. We believed it was as plausible as the idea that a cable technician could bring down an alien armada with a Mac and a computer virus in ID4. Apparently, aliens don't have Norton or McAfee. As the story...ballooned...and everybody got caught up in the mass hysteria, Heene probably realized that he was in over his head. His son was in the garage, his ass was on the line, and Falcon's lunch was all over his lap. Finally, the truth came out. Heene is going to jail and cannot profit from the incident in any way or he will violate his probation.

4. Kanye West
Between attacking paparazzi at the airport and interrupting Taylor Swift at the VMA's, Kanye managed to make a mockery of his celebrity. I knew he had it in him but I can't think of why he thought it would have been a good idea to grab the mic from Swift and declare Beyonce's video the best of all time. Unfortunately, I have to agree with him. I cannot fathom the appeal of Taylor Swift, who for all intents and purposes, cannot sing live. I've had the displeasure of listening to her on several occasions and she just doesn't have the vocal control that someone who is considered the entertainer of the year should have. She wouldn't even make it to the finals of American Idol and that's saying something about talent, or lack there of. But this is about Kanye. Ever since his off script ad lib during the Katrina benefit he was bound to become an even bigger D-Bag. I only wish I could have put money on it.

3. Tiger Woods
I am not even what you would consider an amateur golfer. I suck. I have a slice that is almost like a boomerang. But I liked Tiger Woods on the course. He was/is a tremendous athlete and was/is destined for history. Unfortunately, 2009 was more about Tiger's infidelity than his playing. As the world crumbled around him, he could have taken the high road and admitted to it, stopping the machine that is the gossip media online and on television. However, he chose to be secretive about it, thinking it would go away, and it did, after 10 plus mistresses came out, his wife moved out and his endorsements shied away. Dave Letterman played his own infidelity best by owning up to his mistakes and then continually bashing himself. Tiger chose to do the one thing a huge celebrity can't, retreat. Arnie Palmer said it best. "If you want to be normal, you should give the money back."

2. Bernie Madoff
He screwed a hell of a lot of people with a very high price tag. Granted, he went to jail for it but the damage is irreparable in some cases. He did to individuals what the entire gang of suits on Wall Street did the American Public. That’s saying a lot. But in the scheme of things, he’s nothing more than a petty thief. He’s getting his justice, I hope, repeatedly and very dry.

1. Death
It almost seems like an unfair fight, here. After all, how do you compete with Death unless you are Bill S. Preston, esquire and Ted Theodore Logan? Still, look back at the amount of people who have died this year because of this guy. My pop culture childhood is almost completely gone. Celebrity aside, Death is usually a ringer for a D-Bag award every year. He claims millions of lives every year and he managed to take three more famous lives while the tournament was going on. He nailed Brittany Murphy, Vic Chestnut and Arnold Stang. Once the lists have been counted and the years analyzed someone more reputable than me will look back at 2009 and see that the year was most known for how many famous people died.

So, there you have it Mongo faithful. The biggest douche bag of 2009 is the Grim Reaper himself, Death. Maybe next year someone can take the trophy from him but I highly doubt it.