Clarity

Freedom from indistinctness or ambiguity. 

That’s one of the definitions from dictionary.com. Listed synonyms include: Intelligibility, exactness, simplicity.

It’s also said that people can find a moment of clarity, like drug users.   They find some truth, some understanding.  Something comes into focus and their vision becomes unclouded.

Well, sometimes people need to find that moment of clarity in their life, but they are going to do incredibly stupid things prior to that light bulb going off in their heads.

Unfortunately, for me, as a teenager, that bulb never went off.  I would float from cloud to cloud, hoping and wishing, secretly pining for certain people.    They either knew and ignored it or dug in deep to get away from the major dork that resided in their class.

Looking back, it seems so 80s movie stereotypical.  It seems stupid.   It seems ridiculous.   It seems so familiar.

I usually followed two courses  I would hang back, hoping that something in my eyes, buried behind coke bottle glasses would connect with their gaze, attracting them to my undeniable charm and ability to burn ants with simply a nod of my head on a sunny day.  If that didn’t work, I would make these grandiose gestures of friendship, thinking that, by definition, I was laying some sort of groundwork with which I could build some castle for us to live happily ever after.

Yeah, in either case,  I was an idiot.   I was unclear.  I was ambiguous.   I didn’t have clarity.

As a teen, the forces of nature and biology are against you.     Your body rebels against you.  Hair grows.  Voice changes.  You become a freak of nature.  Your own feet attempt to kill you when you walk.  When you speak, birds screech and eardrums pierce.  Your brain forms words that aren’t in any intelligible nature.  You look like a stroke victim in a cartoon.

Social anxiety and class also thwarts your attempts to rise up and change your lot in life.  You can’t crash the cool table and expect to sit next to the King and Queen without anyone noticing the peasants in the room.  And don’t even think about trying to steal their hearts.   That just won’t happen.  Not unless you are in a John Hughes universe.  Not unless you are already pretty hot, disguised by some frumpy outfit that morphs you into a drop dead hottie in some four minute montage.

So, what?

What’s the worst that can happen?  You’ll get laughed at?  You’ll get shot down?  You’ll find out that are already dating some Greek God/Goddess equivalent that is on some other plane of existence than you? Yes, Yes, Yes.

DO IT ANYWAY!

Go down in some epic blaze of dorkish glory because you know what;  in ten years, you’ll be at some shit job, paying back student loans, driving a piece of crap that leaks fluid, and wonder where it all went.  They will probably be in suburbia with the other real housewives or country club guys and that doesn’t matter.   You’ll find each other on whatever social media platform exists at that moment in time and you will make the same mistakes all over again.

Don’t hang back.  Jump out in front of the love bus and at least do what so many wish they would do.

What will go wrong?

Facebook will document it, Likes for your misery will number in the millions.   Twitter will favorite it, retweeting it to the Huffington Post.  You’ll probably have to change planets to hide from the collateral damage but for Ducky’s Sake get in the game.

But listen to this 38 year old who has been there.  I’ve made that mistake time and time again in my youth.  I laid it all out on the line, two minutes too late.  “You’re a good friend.  You’re a great guy.  You’re funny.  I have a brain cloud.”  Wait, what?  I’m pretty sure you made up that last one. 

Look, that girl or guy is going to get hit on by much worse than you.  They’re also going to get hit on by much better.   Your heart is going to be broken 1000 times in your life and each one is going to be more devastating than the last.

So, be the Edison of broken hearts.   Don’t fail.  Just find 10000 ways to not succeed.  You only fail if you quit.   One time it will work.  Sometimes it might be someone with a whole underground garage full of crazy.  Just hide the sharp objects and breakables.

The best thing you can hope for is some experience.   You may even find confidence.  You may find yourself doing things better, coming off more suave in the future.   You may find yourself having to turn some people down.  

Fix yourself, first, though.  I’m not saying change.  Don’t ever change.  Well, unless you’re an asshole.  Then, by all means, napalm yourself and build it back up from the rubble.    But don’t change what’s good about yourself.    That’s the bottom line.  That’s the thing you need to get them to drive off the lot in you.  But you need to augment that.  Bring things to the forefront that not everyone knows about, or at least they don’t understand.  Make them see why it’s important to you and why it makes you better than the rest.  Everyone puts up a front with first impressions.   In reality, we all have a pair of underwear that have a hole the size of the grand canyon in them and we wear them every chance they come up in the rotation.  No one is perfect, no matter how much they sell it in the window.

You really think people buy cars based on how well they move?  No, they buy the bells and whistles or the right color or detailing.   That’s the superficial stuff that sells the car.  The car being able to make it from point A to B is the same on every version of that same car.     If it works, it works on every one of them.  What makes you stand out is the power steering or the moon roof.

Hell, screw it, be give yourself a plate that says “Fresh” and hang dice from the mirror. 

Do whatever it takes to realize that you are the person they need to notice.   Don’t hang back.  Don’t be vague with gestures or goodwill. 

 

Fail Big or Go Home.

Give them some clarity.

Squeal Like a Fan: Teen Obsession and Growing Up In Pop Culture

I remember the biggest craze, growing up, was either the fist fights between moms at Christmas over cabbage patch dolls OR The New Kids On The Block.  I remember the way my pubescent female friends swooned over the boy band.   I remember the clothes, the albums, the Trapper Keepers, the branded textbook covers and even the brown paper bag ones, scribbled in pen, with the words, “Mrs. Jordan Knight” or “Mrs. Donnie Wahlberg” or “Mrs. Joey McIntyre” and maybe one or two, “Mrs. Other New Kid.” Nobody loved Jonathan. What was the other one named, Marlin? Merrill? Oh, well.

But then these girls grew up and stopped obsessing over these boys from Boston and went onto other interests, “Mrs. Dylan McKay-Walsh.” Um… Ew.

So, now that these same girls are moms and they are forced to reckon with their past obsessions being reborn in their children as they see their daughters drool and squeal over the latest of bubblegum trends and while their daughters are scribbling “Mrs. Justin Bieber” all over their facebook walls, the moms are scribbling all over their grocery lists, “Mrs. Cullen-Black.” Um…. Ew².

But there is the other side of the coin for teenage obsessions. Boys had their own likes in the world of pop culture. I whole heartedly remember having my own scribbles on my book covers, “Mr. Susanna Hoffs” and “Mr. Debbie Gibson.” Um… [facepalm].   I was also a huge fan of Erin Gray from Buck Rogers and Alyssa Milano, pre Phoebe Cates/Demi Moore short haircut. The walls in my bedroom were adorned with not one, but two posters of her; one wearing a big gray sweater and the other a New Jersey Devils sweater. Of course, I also had a door length poster of Samantha Fox in a swimsuit, too. Once I gave up the ghost of ever becoming the object of Samantha Micelli’s or Debbie Gibson’s affection, I moved on.  But I still kept the option open for Susanna Hoffs a little while longer.  Hey, it was the only reason for repeated watchings of The Allnighter.

Yet, like all childhood obsessions, we grow up and we grow out. I no longer scribble “Mr. So and So” and though I joke about all these things, like they actually happened, I still laugh at the mere thought of having such obsessions, even in smallest amounts. Of course, now, I’d be remiss if I didn’t admit my own squealing, today, over such goodies as Kristin Chenoweth and Giada De Laurentiis. Um… Yum. But it’s nothing compared to the pure hysteria seen today when Taylor Lautner appears before a crowd of pent up female wolf lovers at a showing of Eclipse in Pittsburgh. You can even see the blushing on the anchors of the local news team as they report footage of him leaving the theater, which was pretty much his hair and chin behind a bodyguard.  Sorry, no abs, ladies.

However, teens today perhaps or more savvy and learn to adjust quicker to memes and trends as seen in the lack of love ,these days, for Miley Cyrus. I’ve noticed in a few people that her choices in art and clothing has registered an out of tune note with some teens who actually “get it.” Just a couple of years ago, older teens were on the bandwagon with Paris Hilton’s and Britney Spears’ trashy lifestyle.  Even South Park made reference to it in the episode, “Stupid Spoiled Whore Video Playset.” Maybe we are seeing the pendulum of risk behavior begin to swing back the other way. One can only hope.

Now that Hannah Montana is scheduled to end we can be sure that there will still be “Miley Watch” as she most likely continues her musical and acting career. Except, now there will be no “Uncle Walt” telling her to go back upstairs and wipe that crap off her face. We’ve seen Britney hit rock bottom, maybe. We are now engrossed in the spectacle that is Lindsay heading to jail, a la Paris Hilton, which if she actually makes it to jail, she will most likely not serve the entire sentence. Frankly, it’s probably the best thing for her.

If Miley is smart she will recognize these examples of how not to conduct your privileged life, [begin rant] driving that post fame vehicle at high speeds, while under the influence, into a crosswalk full of nuns and then fleeing the scene as TMZ chases after you and Perez Hilton attempts to draw scribbles all over you.  [end rant] She still wants to focus on her career but needs to carry those tween fans that are starting to get older and smarter as well as attract new fans that can relate and identify with her music. She’s opted to not go to college which is probably dumb move number one. There are plenty of stars out there who balanced the best of both worlds, fame and a good education. She says she can always go back. I said the same thing when I graduated, with a theater degree, 12 years ago. I still have yet to finish an application.

I have another piece of advice for Miley. If you plan on focusing on your career then start networking with people, with proven track records, who can help you. And If you plan on continuing to act, I HIGHLY suggest doing some theater. Even if it’s Off-Off Broadway you cannot discount the experience as anything but helpful and enriching. The chance to collaborate with creative people in that kind of environment is one of the best resume and experience builders there is. Work on those acting chops and learn from those who know how to do it. Stay away from the Glitter and Crossroads type of films and pay your dues in grease paint and stage lights. You’ll be a better person for it. If you are worried that taking a break from the bubblegum pop set will hurt your career then you already realize that your fame is probably fleeting. Maybe college isn’t such a bad idea. I suggest business or media and communications in your case. You’ve got a brand to uphold. Don’t blow it.

There were a lot of fallen idols in my teenage years.   We just saw Corey Haim and Gary Coleman die this year.   Yet, the level of partying and addiction seems a lot less classy then it did in the 80s.  When I recently discussed the parallels of Lindsay Lohan's life with those of the 80s starlets I was reminded of a hysterical, yet sad but true, sketch from Saturday Night Live entitled "America's Most Wanted: Former Child Stars" which recounted The Barrymore Gang.  I wondered if SNL would try to dust off the sketch and update it to today's stars and fads with Lindsay, Britney, and Miley.  I was then told that even in her worst days, Drew Barrymore held more sense of class than Lindsay ever could.  This got me to thinking, "Maybe the drug scene was more chic and glamorized in the 80s than now."  Shows like Breaking Bad and Weeds portray the lives of drug dealers but it's not like Bright Lights Big City and Less Than Zero. It's more like, toothless, penniless, running around in your underwear with a .44 tucked into the waistband of your BVDs instead of the glitz and glamour or the neon party scene. Maybe it really was a downward spiral of seedy motels and bathrooms and we didn't have the paparazzi and bloggers to document the cracks in the painted facades. 

And on that downard note, I’ll get off my soapbox now and back to scribbling “Mr. …”  Hmm.

How is Markie Post looking these days?

The 50 Greatest High Schoolers on Film: Honor Roll

We gathered the information. We populated the list. Mistakes were made. People were forgot. It’s a process.

Actually, as I was making the list I had the unfortunate task of having to cut some people. They either didn’t fall squarely into a category or they just didn’t make a compelling argument until later. So, I would like to offer you a second look at some of those who didn’t make the cut but still have an impact on pop culture.

Jock

Louden Swain (Matthew Modine) from Vision Quest
Vision Quest was one of those 80's movies that I was never allowed to see as a kid. I never understood why. Yeah, it was Rated R but the it only because of some of the sexual situations and some language. However, Louden was one of those characters that took high school to the next level. After turning 18, he all of a sudden decides to do something meaningful with his life. He decides to drop two weight classes in order to wrestle an undefeated rival. In the midst of his quest he jeopardizes his team dynamic, his relationships with his peers and mentors, and over all, his health. But this wouldn't be a coming-of-age 80's drama if it all didn't work out in the end. It has one of the better 80's soundtracks and an appearance by Michael Schoeffling as Kuch, sporting a pre Major League, Rick Vaughn, Veg-O-Matic hair cut. You'll know Schoeffling from Sixteen Candles as Jake and also on our list as Stud Number 2.

Babe

Molly (Jessica Alba) from Idle Hands
The writing was on the wall even if it was done with a possessed severed hand. Jessica Alba was on her way to utter babedom. Technically, Alba was most likely 17 when the film was made but we’ll tack on life begins at conception to make us not feel so dirty thinking about her character prancing around in her underwear. Where was I? Oh yeah, the Devil would love to get Molly’s soul and the fact that she can apparently play bass guitar, remnant of a deleted scene which made its way into the background of another scene.

Stud

Link (Brendan Fraser) from Encino Man
This is more of an apology than anything. I cannot believe I forgot about Link, the caveman who awakes to find himself thrust into the Southern California lifestyle. He looks good, for not only being illogical placed on Earth during the first ice age, but he doesn’t show signs of freezer burn which means his freshness was sealed in, Buuuudddyy. This post 80’s high school-underdog-topples-in crowd-to-win-the-heart-of-a-popular-girl-while-learning-something-about-staying-true-to-your-underdog-friends-film not only boasts the longest hyphenated film theme, but one of the two instances where Pauly Shore was actually good in a movie. The other, of course, is Son in Law. Let’s look at the tape to review all the 80s movies tropes. Link gets thawed out and immediately adapts to his surroundings. We have a music montage makeover that turns Link from dud to stud. We have high school women swooning and bullies steaming. And to top it all off, Link teaches Dave something about being real. What more can you ask for? How about inclusion in the top 50. I wish I could go back.

Nerd

Eugene Felnic (Eddie Deezen) from Grease
If ever there was someone typecast as a nerd or a geek it would be Eddie. In his first film, Eddie played Eugene Felnic, the resident nerd at Rydell High. I guess there was only one of them attending Rydell and it was Eugene. In fact, he had to come back for the sequel since they needed a nerd around and bookish Michael Carrington was too good looking to fill the role. Considering the fact that he was the main character and supposed to be able to snag Stephanie Zinone, I can see why they went back to Eugene to fill the quota. Unfortunately, for him, Deezen’s guidance counselor must have sold him on the idea of being a nerd professionally and Eddie has pretty much cornered the market on the archetype in college (Midnight Madness) and in the real world (War Games), although, he was considered too geeky for Revenge of the Nerds, go figure.

Bitch

Nancy Downs (Fairuza Balk) from The Craft
At first, we nervously applaud Nancy for standing up to her abusive step-father. She causes him to have a heart attack with witchcraft. Yet, that starts her down the path of evil as she moves on to invoking the Spirit and brings about Manon. Then, she causes Chris to fall out of a second floor window, killing him. She  tries to get Sarah to commit suicide.  She continues to torment Sarah afterwards and pulls her underlings into the mix as a show of solidarity. But of course, with Bitches or Bullies, if you take them down, the underlings fall apart. Regardless of her sanitarium sentence, Nancy is one bitch I wouldn't want as a witch.

Bad Ass

Laurie Strode (Jamie Lee Curtis) from Halloween and Halloween II
Sometimes traumatic or prolific events can bring about the greatest change in people. The villain becomes the hero, the nerd becomes the stud, or the bookworm becomes the bad ass. Laurie Strode is one such bad ass. Her simple life of books and babysitting comes to a screeching halt on Halloween night when her psychotic masked brother comes home to Haddonfield to carve himself a sister. At first, Laurie is the victim, chased by the relentless evil Michael Myers.  Then she becomes the quintessential final girl, outlasting of all her friends. And even though she is often saved by others, including Dr. Loomis, there is that moment near the end of Halloween that leads to her transformation into a bad ass. While hiding in the closet, she attacks Michael Myers with a coat hanger and stabs him in the eye. At that moment, she switches from victim to vigilante and it carries on into the later movies. One of the best goose bump shots from Halloween H20 is the sight of Laurie Strode standing at the gates of the school, with an axe, yelling the name “Michael!”

Bully

Flash Thompson (Joe Manganiello) from Spider-Man
Ok. Some will say I copped out here. Not because I picked an unworthy character like Flash Thompson, but because I was in a bind, and picked Joe because I kind of know the guy. I needed a bully and I couldn't come up with one. I should have included him in the regular list but, alas, I wanted to not show any bias. I will admit that, being an arm chair pop culture blogger instead of a working actor is a little disconcerting, but I've made my peace with it. You see Joe started out his collegiate career at the same place I did and we even did a play together before he left for CMU and then Hollywood. I ran into him at the grand opening of the Hard Rock Cafe in Pittsburgh after the Spider-Man phenomena settled down  and we exchanged pleasantries. But, I'm digressing. Even though Flash was conceptually your typical Jock/Bully, often portrayed as a lunkhead in the comics and cartoons, Joe crafted the character into a hard edged, chain wearing brute who torments Peter Parker while in school, but doesn't appear to be the football star his comic counterpart is. Since the first film took the characters through high graduation early on, there wasn't much more for Flash to do in terms of bullying. Now, three movies in, I don't know if we'll get to see much more of Flash in the armed forces or facing alcoholism, but it would have been nice to have Joe come back for more than a cameo at Harry Osborn's funeral, as he did in Spider-Man 3.

Freak/Geek

Scott Howard (Michael J. Fox) from Teen Wolf

I tried my best to limit repeat appearances by actors but Michael J. Fox was an 80's powerhouse. I almost went with Devon Sawa from Idle Hands but I also drew from that film for another Honor Roll Student. Back to the Wolf. Scott Howard is one of the characters that also deserved to be on the main list but I knew that I wanted to include Marty McFly and so I had to scuttle the lesser successful of the two films for greater impact. I also included Mick as a bully so it spelled disaster for the Teen Wolf. But appearing on the Honor Roll doesn't make Scott Howard average, something the character strove to overcome until he found out his lycan lineage. I mean who wouldn't want to have Scott on the basketball court or in the beer distributor. He also pre-dates the Ghost Riding craze by doing a hand stand on his dad's hardware store van. Well, not quite. He did have a driver.

Dead/Undead

Bobby Fantana (Lewis Smith) from The Heavenly Kid
Don’t try to do the math on this one. Lewis Smith was 27 when the movie was made and supposedly the film’s beginning is set in the “Early 1960’s” If we deduce that this meant pre 1965 then Lenny Barnes must have flunked a few grades because he would be 20 and still in high school. In any event, it’s an 80’s movie and logic doesn’t have to apply. You just accept it. Moving on.  Bobby is still considered a high school student because he died before graduation. Sitting in purgatory for 20 years he discovers that he has to earn his wings as an angel by helping a nerdy kid, which turns out to be his son, make the right choices. Using only what he knows from his days on Earth, Bobby tries to make Lenny into a cool kid by giving him an 80’s movie montage makeover, complete with a bitchin’ classic car. What he doesn’t realize is that he must have been a bit of a prick as Lenny starts to turn on his friends and family once he becomes cool.  This is in true 80’s movie makeover fashion. Still, he manages to keep the kid alive long enough to see the error of his ways and earns his ticket uptown on the longest escalator ride ever known. How they managed to pull off that effect, I’ll never know.

Slacker

Billy Tepper (Sean Astin) from Toy Soldiers
Slackers are truly one of my favorite archetypes in pop cinema. They either steal the show from the more straight laced leads or they complete a character arc that allows them to grow. Granted, it’s neither plausible or true to the slacker's nature, but it makes for good popcorn. Here at The Regis School, the wealthy and somewhat delinquent student body take pride in torturing their administration as well as South American terrorists. When Billy is not selling liquor disguised as mouthwash or rearranging his head master’s furniture in the quad he’s taking on Andrew Divoff, best known as Mikhail “Patchy” Bakunin on Lost, after the school is taken hostage.

The 50 Greatest High Schoolers On Film. Part Five: 1-10

At last, the final ten are here. In no particular order, I give you the number one high schooler on film in each of the categories.

Jocks

10: Jimmy Chitwood (Maris Valanis) from Hoosiers

Jimmy Chitwood sort of comes out of nowhere. After sitting most of the season out, distraught over the death of his coach. However, without Jimmy, there would be no coach Dale to lead the team to victory and there would be no game winning shot by Jimmy in the end. Showing up at a town meeting on whether to keep Coach Dale, he announces that he wants to play with one caveat. "Coach stays, I play. He goes, I go." With that, the Cinderella story of Hickory High is set in motion as the action comes down to a single play, like most great sports films. Jimmy is set up to be a decoy while Merle is supposed to take the shot. Jimmy eyes the dismay in the faces of his team and boldly states, "I'll make it." Guess what happens? While the character is based on Bobby Plump, the dramatic license is evident as details were changed to give the final game a little more oomph. Not that it really needed it, the true story of Milan High School that inspired Hoosiers was a thrilling tale that came down to Bobby Plump scoring the winning basket putting Milan up 32-30 in the end.

Babes9: Linda Barrett (Phoebe Cates) from Fast Times at Ridgemont
High

Linda Barret, by the pool, has got to be one of the greatest masturbatory fantasies of all time, next to Jamie Lee Curtis in Trading Places. Now, while that is not why she is on the list at the number one spot, it certainly helps. The scene has been parodied numerous times and according to the DVD extras, a lot of video stores reported tracking errors during that scene. In addition the scene teaching Stacy how to fellate a carrot is classic. Her only downfall is not knowing to knock on the bathroom door before entering. Totally awesome. Totally awesome. Alright Hamilton.

Studs8: Jim Stark (James Dean) from Rebel Without a Cause

Jim finds himself confused and out of place in his new surroundings. He finds it hard to exist in between his quarrelling parents. In fact his sense of betrayal by his father's lack of courage to stand up to his mother worsens his unrest. The smoldering containment on his powder keg persona only adds to his studliness and he breaks you heart shouting "Your words are tearing me apart." He befriends the loner and misunderstood Plato, offering up his jacket and plays house with him and Judy acting as the absent father to Plato while fulfilling his own dreams of being proud of a father figure. It's really tragic that it takes the death of Plato, wearing Jim's jacket, for Jim's father to realize his need to be a man. It could have been Jim that was shot and Mr. Stark would have had his son die thinking of him as a coward.

Nerds7: Lucas (Corey Haim) from Lucas

Corey Haim has a hit with as much frequency as the locusts appearing and this was one of his few gems among the duds of Fast Getaway, Body Shots, and Dream a Little Dream 2. Lucas is one of those nerds that just doesn't get why he is a nerd. He falls for and tries to win the heart of Maggie, a pretty older girl, who ultimately ends up with Cappie, our number 4 Jock. Lucas does his best to try and dissuade Maggie from the well known, popular crowd. He claims to live in a huge house when in actuality, he cuts their lawn. He calls cheerleading "superficial", knowing that being drawn into that world will kill his association with her. He attempts to steal a kiss while listening to the symphony from underneath a bridge. Yet, the reality is that Lucas is still the nerd. He joins the football team which is seen as a joke. He's terrorized by the jocks, he loses the girl he pines for, and gets pummelled in his attempt to prove himself on the football team. But it wouldn't be an 80's movie if the nerd didn't come out on top. It also wouldn't be an 80's movie without a slow clap that leads to all out applause signifying victory.

Bitches
6: The Heathers (Shannen Doherty, Lisanne Falk, and Kim Walker) from Heathers

It is often said in times of imminent decimation that it is better to be at the right hand of the devil than in his path. Veronica's inclusion into the titular clique of Heather's is just that. Kill or be killed. In high school, social death lasts a lifetime. She doesn't like them. In fact, in some sick and twisted world, she thinks they deserve to die a horrible death in and out of the high school scene. She just doesn't admit it, to everyone besides her boyfriend, J.D. Intimidating and mean spirited, the Heather's bully such students as Marth "Dumptruck" Dunnstock and Betty Finn. While only one Heather (Chandler) actually dies, the damage is done. They are now more popular than ever yet Heather McNamara attempts suicide, falling victim to the strategy that if you kill the leader, the followers will be lost. Meanwhile, Heather Duke seizes the opportunity to take over command of the clique showing her true bitch colors.

Bad Asses

5: Jason 'JD' Dean (Christian Slater) from Heathers

Bad asses can be considered good or bad. While the previous four were on the side of right, number one on the list is as bad as it gets. His lust for violent justice against those he deems too socially sick to coexist in this world might stem from seeing his mom blown up in a building demolition at the hands of his dad. Well, maybe he's just a complete psychotic f@#k, instead. Either way, JD's manipulative nature gets the better of Veronica. He's like a Faustian allegory come to life in high school. He rides in like James Dean but is more like the Angel of Death in disguise. He plots to kill the Heathers as vengeance for all those they smite. It doesn't matter that the punishment doesn't fit the crime. He is judge, jury, and executioner of the law he says proclaims, "The only place different social types can genuinely get along with each other is in heaven." Prolific, in a sick and twisted manner. Since the Heathers are merely a mouthpiece to the problem, his final solution is to just blow up the school in a show of suicidal solidarity. He manages to get most of the student body to sign a petition declaring their mutual disgust for society and plan to die together in a suicide pact. Ironically, everyone thought they were signing a petition to get a popular band to play the school with their big hit, Suicide. Don't do it. It is only fitting that he commits suicide by his own treachery freeing everyone to live in this world as they are, hopefully inspiring change. Whether Veronica decides to do just that after usurping the role as head Heather, or Veronica, is left to be seen. Perhaps, we will find out in the sequel, Heathers 2: Electric Boogaloo

Bullies
4: Johnny Lawrence (William Zabka) from The Karate Kid
and Greg Tolan from Just One of the Guys

You had to know it was coming. The greatest bully that ever walked a high school or swept a leg is the one, the only Billy Zabka. At some point during the 80's, the film Gods came down unto Hollywood and shone a light onto Billy's head which told producers and casting agents that he was their man. Was he ever. He and the Cobra Kai tortured Daniel LaRusso throughout that film. In the beginning, Daniel brings his YMCA East Coast Offense while Johnny Lawrence brings the West Coast version in the form of the mostly unethical and downright vicious style of his Vietnam Vet sensei, John Kreese. From thereafter, at every chance, the Cobra Kai give Daniel chase until after a horrendous beating, Mr. Miyagi intervenes and sets up a more civilized and controlled fight in the form of a karate tournament. Of course, we know in the end, Johnny has to go down, but as far as bullies go, he's still a follower and even though he thinks he can beat Daniel, he listens to his sensei and tries to further disable Daniel during the final match. What you don't know about Johnny Lawrence is that immediately after his defeat, he shamefully retreats to another school in LA and poses as bully, Greg Tolan, picking on those without martial arts training. Unfortunately, things go horribly askew. Again, his girlfriend leaves him, he gets attacked by someone who looks very similar to Daniel LaRusso, but is actually a girl, and gets beat up at the prom. He reluctantly returns to the tournament and is nearly beaten up by his sensei for losing the tournament. No one really knows what happened to Johnny after high school. Some say he went to Grand Lakes University and continued to try and bully those around him while being the star of the swim team. We do know that he was punched once and didn't retaliate. Today, he's an Oscar nominated filmmaker.

Freaks and Geeks
3: Farmer Ted AKA "The Geek" (Anthony Michael Hall) from Sixteen Candles

Of course, the number one Geek has to be "The Geek." Anthony Michael Hall is the quintessential geek and king of the dipshits. You see, nerds don't lead, per se. Geek's love being in charge, clearly when the have no reason to be in that position. But, a Geek can still get the girl without changing his ways. A nerd usually has to rise above his oppressor's in some outlandish fashion. Farmer Ted busts onto the scene in full geek regalia trying to hit on Samantha during the bus ride home. He then pursues her at the dance that night leading to a heartfelt shop talk about men and missed birthdays. Now, Ted pulls a nerd move in securing Samantha's underwear in order to boost his social status among the undesirables, but yet his geeky cocksure attitude moves him to crash Jake's party ending in him being trapped under a glass table while his wing men get taken home by brutes and carefully left on the curb. Don't worry though, he shows up later toting drunk and unconscious Caroline, Jake Ryan's (Number 2 Stud) girlfriend in exchange for Samantha's panties. He gets the girl by default, even though he did do the deed in the back of Mr. Ryan's luxury car. The Geek shall inherit the Earth, let it be written.

Dead and Undead2: David (Kiefer Sutherland) from The Lost Boys

Sleep all day. Party all night. Never grow old. Never die. It's fun to be a vampire. It's also fun to be the Number One Dead High Schooler on Film. While, I am not sure completely sure David ever went to high school, being that Kiefer Sutherland was only 21 at the time of the movie's release, I'll accept that he could have been in high school. I'm the one making the list, so deal with it. As the numero uno dead guy, David was sadly only number two on the vampire totem pole. He was, however, responsible for getting Michael Emerson, Starr, and Laddie to be half vampires. Also, his legacy lives on in the sequel as had fed off of Shane at the bonfire making him the head of the Tribe. Oddly enough, Angus Sutherland is Kiefer's half brother in real life, too. He also makes an appearance in the comic series, The Lost Boys: Reign of the Frogs. Sadly, he appears to bite it, no pun intended, at the end when Michael goes toe to toe with him, impaling him on a set of Grandpa's antlers in his taxidermy workshop. It's sad really, because a little known fact is that David had been considering getting his GED and attending night classes at Santa Clare Community College. You don't know. It could be true.

Slackers1: Jeff Spicoli (Sean Penn) from Fast Times at Ridgemont High

Just before the final bell rings on the first day of senior year, we are introduced to Jeff Spicoli, hotboxing in a Microbus. That's pretty much Spicoli in a nutshell. "No worries, mon." His philosophy on life is that all he needs are "some tasty waves and a cool buzz." Well, that and some pizza delivered right to class. Unfortunately, math was not his strong suit or he would have ordered enough for everyone in class since he had to share. His nemesis is the disgruntled teacher, Mr. Hand who pretty much holds the keys to his graduation in his hand. He actually makes Spicoli late for prom by giving him an impromptu history lesson, proclaiming that Spicoli will probably "squeak by." Among his most awesome moments are wrecking Jefferson's car and coming to the realization that, "People on 'ludes should never drive." Fortunately, his dad is a television repairman with an ultimate set of tools. Sometime in the future he manages to save Brooke Shields from drowning and blows the reward money on having Van Halen play his birthday party. How awesome is that for the number one slacker? Totally awesome.

Go to the next set: The Honor Roll

The 50 Greatest High Schoolers On Film. Part Four: 11-20

Oooooh! I can almost feel it. We're getting there. Just 20 awesome teenagers left.

Jocks

20: Andrew Clark (Emilio Estevez) from The Breakfast ClubAndrew reported to Saturday detention, a product of his jock status. Like the other characters that live in John Hughes' universe, he was there for being what Vernon thought he was, a jock that follows the jock pack. His crime was taping Larry Lester's buns together. In some ways he did it for his team and his old man. Never being able to make decisions for himself. He was a sad case study in allowing cliques and high school politics decide who you are and who you can hang out with at school. Almost wishing a knee injury would permanently end his high school wrestling career. After that what would be next, college wrestling? Who gets the accolades, him or his old man? While originally he as ashamed to be in detention with the likes of the others, at 4:00 pm he took that one step towards being the person instead of the athlete when he turned his eyes towards Ally Sheedy's basket case.

Babes

19: Nadia (Shannon Elizabeth) from American PieAmerican Pie offered up little more than an updated version of every80's teen sex romp to come down the pastel pipeline. When Jim has the chance to try and seduce the sexy and well proportioned foreign exchange student, Nadia, his delivery is typical of every teen from Pee Wee Morris to Seth. However, we must not overlook the hottness factor of Shannon Elizabeth's Nadia. The fact that she doesn't want a jock like Aus or aprick like Stiffler only adds to her appeal. The fact that she sprawls herself across Jim's bed naked and takes to her own devices to pass the time lands her in the number 2 babe of all high schoolers.

Studs

18: Jake Ryan (Michael Schoeffling) from Sixteen CandlesJake Ryan is one of those few on screen studs that never gets the chance to woo you like he could. We are given no previous background other than he's rich and bored with his blond bombshell girlfriend, Caroline, exploiting their status as the "Power Couple" to maintain reign over the student body. We could have used some more interaction with Ted to give us a little more depth to his wanting to be with Samantha after watching his girl self destruct at his latest soiree. Still, he takes on Ted as a friend and even allows him a shot at his girl. He also comes to save Samantha from one of the most bizarre weddings complete with remembrance of her titular cake candle count. Bravo, Jake. Bravo! You are a stud. Yeah, Dat You!

Nerds

17: Duckie (Jon Cryer) from Pretty In PinkIn terms of nerds Duckie isn't so much a nerd as he is just a hopeless sidekick.He pines for Molly Ringwald and has little to offer her in the same way that Andrew McCarthy can. His manner of dress and his choice of hair styles leaves little room for studliness. But, in our own way we all love Duckie and probably at one time was The Duck Man.

Bitches

16: Kathryn Merteuil (Sarah Michelle Gellar) from Cruel IntentionsShe plots to ruin a young and innocent Annette Hargrove (Reese Witherspoon.) She uses sex as a weapon to get Sebastian Valmont (Ryan Phillipe) to do her dirty work. She helps Cecile Caldwell (Selma Blair) learn how to French Kiss! If it weren't for all the scandalous gossip and back stabbing, Kathryn might have made it onto our list as a babe. But the teen adaptation of Les Liaisons Dangereuses gives Sarah Michelle Gellar a chance to take her Emmy winning turn as the daughter of Erica Kane to a whole new level of bitchiness.

Bad Asses

15: John Bender (Judd Nelson) from The Breakfast ClubAs the resident thug and low life, John Bender poses little more threat than a bad case of the flu. But, when you think you've got him figured out he either shows you a little more heart or sinks to a new level of depravity brought on by cigarette burns and bad family Christmas experiences. The fact that he offers to take the fall for the rest of his "Breakfast Club" by staging an impromptu basketball game to distract Vernon from the jail break shows a little of his soft side. When he pulls a switchblade on Andrew and gives you his rendition of a night at the Bender's, you know he's for real. To think the bad boy can end up with the "princess" is seen as more of a benefit to privileged Claire than it is to improve his image. Bender must keep his tough guy persona among his friends and if there were to be a sequel to The Breakfast Club, where Bender and Claire end up together, you can only imagine the changes she would have made to his everyday life. The kind of changes that would drive you crazy.

Bullies

14 Biff Tannen (Thomas F. Wilson) from Back To the FutureBiff captures all the necessary qualities needed for the number two bully . He's big, ugly, and dumb. He's also committed to his craft. On day one of Calvin Klein's stay at Hill Valley High in 1955, Biff nearly comes to blows with the alter ego of Marty McFly. When he's not giving junior a hard time, he's dishing out enough for Marty's future father, George. Oddly enough, the climax, which involves George McFly standing up to Biff, securing Marty's existence doesn't leave Biff a shattered and destitute man. In the beginning we see Biff in a horrible suit, having to borrow George's truck for whatever reason. While George and his family's status slides to the other end of the economic class, Biff seems to be sporting a better wardrobe while waxing the McFly's car. As it plays out in the sequel, he even owns his own detailing business. Not bad for a bully.

Freaks and Geeks

13: Napolean Dynamite (Jon Heder) from, duh, Napolean Dynamite...gosh are you stupid?As far as the socially inept are concerned, Napolean is their king riding atop a Liger, displaying kick ass illegal ninja moves banned by the government. While, technically in the nerd family, Napolean's freakish looks derived from his use of Moon Boots and Afro hairstyle are only complimented by his geekish ways of dangling action figures from bus windows and proclaiming victory in tether ball. Still, his awesome Jamiroquai dance moves keeps him separate placed into this category and not in full nerd mode.

Dead and Undead

12: Neil Perry (Robert Sean Leonard) from Dead Poets' SocietyAlthough Neil is alive for pretty much the entire film, his death resonates all the way back to the opening as Keating has Neil read the introduction to their textbook, Understanding Poetry. Neil is a tragic character in that he would rather be dead than submit to the unrealistic expectations of a his military mentality father. It's an ironic twist that Neil plays Robin Goodfellow, a mischievous faerie, which is in direct contrast to his organized and serious father. At the end, the students, now being taught by the headmaster after Keating's termination, are forced to read that same paragraph that Neil read in the beginning. The feelings of remorse over the death of their friend and Keating's leaving springs the students into action. Standing upon their desks, they cry out "O, Captain! My Captain." While the life lessons were learned by all the class, Neil embodies the greatest lesson of Keating, Carpe diem. Thank you, Neil. Thank you.

Slackers

11: Ferris Beuller (Matthew Broderick) from Ferris Beuller's Day OffFor those of you ready to topple your computer upside down and go Wild Bunch on me for not placing Mr. Beuller anywhere in the top 10, remember this. Each category has five total students. Ferris is simply the number two Slacker of all time, not the the 11th. That being said, Ferris pulls of one of the all time greatest, if not implausible, feats of ditchery. He reduces his sick days from nine, gets his girlfriend out of class with the ole dead grandmother routine, cons his best friend into letting him borrow his Dad's Ferrari, gets seated in a posh restaurant posing as the sausage King of Chicago, catches a foul ball at a Cubs' game, lip syncs Wayne Newton and the Beatles in a parade, all while dodging the principal. Not a bad days work for the number two slacker.

Go to the next set: 1-10

The 50 Greatest High Schoolers On Film. Part Three: 21-30

We're getting close to the top 10! Here's the next set.

Jocks

30: Randall “Pink” Floyd (Jason London) from Dazed and Confused
Just like Cappie, Pink is a jock who’s also cool. He takes freshman Mitch under his wing after receiving his “licks” from O’Bannion and the other seniors. He offers to let Mitch hang out with them at the Emporium and even helps him hook up with Julie Simms. But the star quarterback also is hounded by his coach imposing on him to sign the pledge that promises he will not take drugs or do anything else to jeopardize a championship season in the fall. Pink throws the pledge in his coach’s face and says he’ll play, but on his terms. Leader or rebel, he’s a jock with his own identity.

Babes

29: Terry Griffith (Joyce Hyser) from Just One of the Guys
You might think I’ve snapped, but Terry Griffith was hot. Sure she dressed like Elvis Costello and looked like the Karate Kid but two important scenes solidify her hotness and my….well you get it. The first is the opening scene when she gets out of bed. The second is the big reveal…and I do mean big and I mean reveal… when she is forced to prove to Rick Morehouse that she’s really a sheep in wolf’s clothing.

Studs

28: Patrick Verona (Heath Ledger) from 10 Things I Hate About You
When Patrick Verona serenades Kat, women just swooned. Though Ledger is gone, 10 Things…leaves a lasting and indelible impression of overall charisma and chemistry for those who loved that the stud muffin from down under was mostly misunderstood in his mysterious ways. Whether he was camped out on his grandmothers couch watching Wheel of Fortune or keeping Kat concious after sustaining a concussion, he wasn’t too good to be true.

Nerds

27: Ronald Miller (Patrick Dempsey) Can’t Buy Me Love
It’s hard to believe that McDreamy was once McNerdy. But, oh, yes, he was. Ronald strikes up a deal with popular cheerleader, Cindy in order to help her out of a jam. He pays her $1000 to help him look cool by pretending to be his girlfriend for a month. Miraculously, he goes from dud to stud, like all good, believable 80’s movies, and while trading in his dorky threads, he trades in his dorky friends, which makes him one of the bad guys. In the end, he makes up for it in a “deus ex machina” moment and announces that once “We were all friends until cliques divided us.” Cue the cheesy music.

Bitches

26: Tracy Flick (Reese Witherspoon) from Election
Remind you of anyone? Ruthless, ambitious, and running for President. No? Well, the manipulative Tracy Flick inspires the worst in Jim McAllister which leads him to take matters into his own hands to stop the Flick campaign from succeeding. Tracy once had an affair with one of Jim’s fellow teachers which led to his divorce and termination. She also managed to use dirty tactics to undermine fellow candidate Paul’s campaign. Ultimately, she wins in the end and for once the Bitch gets the better of the rest of us.

Bad Asses

25: Angel Guzman (Lou Diamond Phillips) from Stand and Deliver

Guzman’s pose is such an iconic image, instantly recognizable. His hard stare down letting you know he’s no cabron. Hiding behind his tough guy exterior, Angel is bright and wants to learn and do well, but he also wants his friends none the wiser. In a genre that sees a lot of films come along like Dangerous Minds and Freedom Writers, the inner city classroom struggle to rise above stereotype can be muddied by outlandish storylines. With Stand and Deliver, Angel is the epitome of the class struggle to rise above what is expected while being afraid to show that you can succeed in a world that wants you to fail, even though that famous pose of Lou Diamond Phillips has Angel Guzman seated and chilling.

Bullies

24: Steve Stifler (Sean William Scott) from American Pie
Steve Stifler is not your typical bully. Yeah, he calls Finch “Shitbreak.” Sure, he put a laxative in his moccachino and humiliates him in front of the student body. After all is said and done, Stifler is much like any bully, alone in the world. The people he thinks are his friends only want the perks of being a hanger on to Stifler in hopes they can be invited to one of his awesome parties. However, he does get his share of comeuppance, whether it be from a glass of “Pale Ale” early on in the first of the American Pie film or finding out that his nemesis, Finch, just bedded his MILF of a mom, basically known as "Stiffler's Mom."

Freaks and Geeks

23: Max Fischer (Jason Schwartzman) from Rushmore
Over involved in extracurricular activities, Max finds little time for anything like actual schoolwork. His quirkiness is only heightened by his infatuation with a widowed teacher, Ms. Cross. Soon, he goes from friend to foe, informing his rival Herman’s wife of her husband’s infidelity as well as cutting the brake lines on Herman’s car. In the end, he tries to make amends by reuniting the object of his ire and affection.

Dead and Undead

22: Donnie Darko (Jake Gyllenhaal) from Donnie Darko
If you try and reason why Donnie made the list under this category blood will shoot from your nose. Just accept it because if you haven’t seen it, I don’t want to ruin it. Let it just be said that Donnie should be on the list in this category. The awkward teen has gone off his meds and starts seeing a demented six foot tall bunny named Frank who tells him the world will end. Trippy time travel theories and Star Search play out while Donnie contemplates how it all involves him.

Slackers

21: Marty McFly (Michael J. Fox) from Back to the Future
Though the only one who really perceives McFly to be a slacker is Principal Strickland, a slacker Marty shall be in my book. Marty is usually late for school which plays into his slacker persona but he is also a hothead never backing down from a challenge to prove he is not a coward. The movie only serves to feed the idea that capitalism is good and that we should all want to have a rich family, nice car, and a bright future. Marty assumes that he will make it one day in the world of rock music with his band called the Pinheads. Yet, McFly is the Everyman for all time and can rock a mean guitar to Chuck Berry.

Go to the next set: 11-20>>>

The 50 Greatest High Schoolers On Film. Part Two: 31-40

Continuing on with our list. Here is the next set of 10

Jocks

40: Cappie (Charlie Sheen) from Lucas
In the world of film high schools, the jocks are supposed to either be the protaganist or the antagonist. More often than not, they are usually the heel. They make the smaller and weaker main character have to rise above their pranks and compete for the affection of the "out of their league" girl. However, Cappie was a protector of sorts for Lucas in the sense that he had contracted Hepatitis, (perhaps a bit of forshadowing of Sheen's personal life being a regular of Heidi Fleiss' call girl empire.) and Lucas brought him his homework so that he didn't fail school. While Cappie does end up with the girl, you can't hate him. Deep down we wish all the jocks were like that in school.

Babes

39: Marilyn McCauley (Kelly Preston) from Mischief
The 80's were rich with gratuitous nudity in movies. Kelly Preston was one of the few who never seemed to mind. In fact, there were only a few instances where body doubles were used in place of the actresses' real assets, Tuff Turf and Zapped! come to mind in their usage. However, what red blooded 80's teen in America can say that they didn't wish they had DVD quality pause and zoom capabilities when Marilyn McCauley took Gene to bed while her dog watched? Holy cow. Mrs. Travolta only got better with age, come Jerry Maguire.

Studs

38: Lloyd Dobler (John Cusack) from Say Anything

Call "Bullshit" all you want but Lloyd was a stud. He got the girl that was out of his league. Who here tried the boombox trick? Anyone? I did it. Now, you may think I'm crazy for putting Lloyd so low on the list. I apologize but I didn't have a hero category and I felt Mr. Dobler belonged on the list somewhere. Since he's into kickboxing, "The sport of the future," I almost threw him into the Jock category but I felt I was lacking in studs so I made room just for him in your eyes.

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Nerds

37: Arnie Cunningham (Keith Gordon) Christine

The hair, the glasses, the clothes. Arnie Cunningham embodies nerd-dom in the Carpenter directed adaptation about Stephen King's killer car. The only who understands him is Christine and she will do everything in her power to protect him. Ultimately, Arnie pays the price and dies at the hands of her lack of safety features like air bags.

Bitches

36: Betty Rizzo (Stockard Channing) from Grease

As leader of the "Pink Ladies" Rizzo makes the call on whether you're too pure to be pink. She doesn't have the blonde and petite looks of Sandy, and that only drives her to make fun of Sandy's inability to handle one cigarette, eh, eh, eh. However, deep within Rizzo is a tortured soul who knows that she is not what she seems to be, especially when she finds her self unsure that is pregnant by on again, off again boyfriend, Kenickie. In the end, she ends up not pregnant and perhaps a little nicer.

Bad Asses

35: Zeke Tyler (Josh Hartnett) from The Faculty

Sometimes the bad ass isn't what he seems. Sometimes he's a smart kid that just happens to be repeating senior year because he doesn't care about graduating. Zeke is just such a bad ass who sells a pixie stick style of drugs made mostly of caffeine. But when the school becomes a breeding ground for aliens, he goes into kick ass mode as he doles out the death with a pen to the eye of John Stewart. By the end, he's wised up to applying himself in class and on the football team as well as getting to nail Famke Janssen's "Miss Burke ."

Bullies

34: Fred O'Bannion (Ben Affleck) from Dazed and Confused
Y'all ready to bust some ass? Fred O'Bannion is the typical hot headed, grade repeating, foul mouthed, and ignorant bully. He hangs around the ballfield waiting patiently for Mitch Kramer to finish up his game, just so he can give it to him real good. It is only fitting that his punishing ways come back to haunt him as the freshmen devise a plan to get back at O'Bannion by dumping white paint all over him while he attempts to paddle a student.

Freaks and Geeks

33:Edward 'Pee Wee' Morris (Dan Monahan) from Porky's

Before Superbad and American Pie there was Porky's, the quintessential high school movie of the 80's. And inside was the quintessential geek, "PeeWee." Every morning he'd measure his member, hoping for some improvement. Every day he'd hope it would be the day he'd lose his virginity. We can all relate, I'm sure.

Dead and Undead

32: Danny Vinyard (Edward Furlong) from American History X

Danny Vinyard looks up to his brother. He wants to be like his brother. Unfortunately, he doesn't get the chance to turn his life around like his brother. The film is essentially narrated by Danny in his redux paper on American History X, detailing how his brother changed after going to jail for murder. One simple act of intolerance leads to Danny's murder the next day in the bathroom. His paper ends with part of Lincoln's Gettysburg address as he dies in his brother's arms.

Slackers

31: David Lightman (Matthew Broderick) Wargames

"Shall we play a game?" Those words nearly spark WWIII from the comfort of a slacker's "high tech" bedroom. Lightman is the ultimate underacheiever. He's forced to go to summer school, but uses his computer know how to change his grades. Truly, if Lightman had applied himself, he probably could have been the next Steve Jobs or Bill Gates. Instead he saves the world by teaching a computer to play Tic-Tac-Toe. Now, if only his parents could get him to fasten the lids tight on the garbage cans.



Go to next set: 21-30 >>>