2013 D-Bag Awards Round One: Miley Cyrus vs. Justin Bieber

Two girls both alike in douchebaggery.    

Miley Cyrus vs.  Justin Bieber

Biebs started had his share of incidents.  There was the Anne Frank House incident where he signed the guest book, “Would have been a belieber” in the guestbook of the Holocaust victim.  I guess because she died in a concentration camp we’ll never know.  Then there was the pissing in a bucket incident where Biebs decided to drain the Little Bieber in a mop bucket in a restaurant.  And who can forget him getting pics snapped in the bed of an “escort”.  Funny, she must have thought that being a belieber wasn’t enough and would only accept cash.

Miley had an interesting year, well, her tongue did.  After all, we saw plenty of it as well as some weird ass shit at music awards.  There was the weird bear thing and foam finger performance with Robin Thicke.  There was the fact that she licked a sledgehammer.  Lastly, she twerked Santa at the Jingle Ball.  And pretty much the fact that she was up for TIME’s Person of the Year makes you want to just say, “Enough already Hannah!”

But who is the bigger douchebag?

He came in like an undropped ball!

While Miley’s antics were merely for performance reasons and she pretty much became the biggest talked about music star this side of a blurred line, Bieber went above and beyond and pretty much disrespected a lot of people, including his fans.  He’s  little punk that thinks he’s the hottest thing since sliced white bread which he fails to realize he is when he acts all gangsta.   So, for that Biebs is our winner in this heat. 

2010 D-Bag Awards Round Two: D-Bag Celebs

For our second round we have the cream of the A – D List of celebrity d-bags. These people, who we seem to want to live vicariously through with everything from TMZ stories to Twitter feeds, have taken great pride in being exemplary at the art of being a d-bag.

Mel Gibson
Another repeat offender. A few years ago, Mel went on a bender and was pulled over in Malibu. He went off on a anti-Semitic / misogynistic rant with the arresting officers. He apologized, sought treatment, divorced, and had a baby with Oksana Grigorieva, a Russian pianist and recording artist, mostly phone messages. Then the real fun began. The Gibson Sessions began coming out as a series of taped phone calls between Mel and Oksana. They should be on iTunes sometime next year. Quality stuff like the instant soulful classic, “You Make Me Want To Smoke.” It may rival Alec Baldwin’s funkadelic, “You’re a Rude Little Pig” from a few years ago in terms of downloads. Still, Mel found time to play with his Beaver in The Beaver and even pal Jodie Foster came to his defense. In all this, you know a comeback was just waiting to happen. Then Mel got dropped from The Hangover 2 and well, that just made it all worse.

You Make Me Want To Smoke
by Mongo Angry! Mongo Smash!

Miley Cyrus
The tween sensation cum bong smoking young adult has had a pretty trying year. Prior to turning 18, Perez Hilton decided to post and mark up pictures of her on tour causing his own d-baggery and possible criminal charges. Then she finds out her Mom went from being all achy breaky with her Dad to doing the Unskinny Bop with Bret Michaels, who she sang with on Good Morning America in June. After that, she turned 18 and went downhill. It’s almost as if she looked at her life and then looked at Lindsay Lohan and said, “Yeah, that’s what I want to be like.” Think of it this way. Both were Disney kids. Both had/have a singing career. Both have had risqué photo shoots. (Possibly even nude photos of Cyrus have surfaced, though it’s undetermined if it’s her or when they were taken.) And now, booth have been found out to be doing drugs. Ok, you can say that smoking Salvia isn’t exactly illegal, but when you see a video of her hitting the bong and then making less sense than the Yip Yips from Sesame Street it’s not pretty. Why is she a d-bag? She may be 18 and may be an adult and quite frankly, she's old enough to do what she wants, but her fan base is still under age and impressionable. Not every Hannah Montana fan turned 18 when she did. You can blame the celebrity and media all you want but then I say to you, “Not one of those Harry Potter kids got busted for anything.” Although, Harry Potter did show off his Whomping Willow on stage in Equus.  In the end, Miley needs to either lay off the junk or at least stop getting filmed doing questionable things.

Achy Breaky Bong

Lindsay Lohan
Where do you begin? Rehab, Jail, Rehab, Drugs, Funny or Die. By the way, Lindsay, Funny or Die is the name of the website, not your choices for what to do with your career. There’s not much you can say that hasn’t already been said by everyone else.  Although, the biggest moment of d-baggery was the fingernail scrawled with FU in the courtroom. Who was that for? Take your punishment, get clean, write a book, make a comeback and fall off the wagon again.   You're still young.   Really, it is time to take stock and get your life back on track before you derail even more. The bottom never looked so good, right?

Is that a Lee Press on Nail?

Paris Hilton
Apart from being a no talent ass clown, she’s a horrible flyer. In July she was detained and released after being caught at an airport holding marijuana. Then, in August, she tried to use her Jedi Mind tricks on authorities by telling them that the cocaine in her purse was gum. Then she tried her best Austin Powers impression, “It’s not my bag, baby?” Finally, she admitted and was given probation. Then, she traveled to Japan and was denied entry because of the strict drug laws. Other sites on her Asian promotion tour are even stricter than Japan. If she’s not careful, she’ll be in a new reality show called, “The Brokedown Palace Life” Frankly, I blame the justice system. It’s obvious that giving her probation does nothing. Lock her ass up for a year.

"That's pot. I mean, no it isn't."

John Mayer
“That’s enough John Mayer” was sprayed on a brick wall by Chris Griffin of the Family Guy. Apparently, he didn’t get the hint. I’ll give him this, he’s a great artist. But he’s a terrible date. The appearance on Ellen, just before the New Year, was downright ridiculous. His Twitter Battles with Perez Hilton are like two T-Rexes engaging in a slap fest. It just doesn’t really make for compelling pugilism. He basically is the Kanye West of the media world and Kanye West takes offense at that. The dude just needs to stop and take a step back. I understand, no junk no soul but let’s get a little perspective. You’d never see John Lee Hooker getting into a Twitter fight with Dick Cavett.

Is that a Cosby Sweater?

And the winner is?

I’ll say this was a close race. I had a hard time figuring out who was the bigger d-bag and honestly, it’s almost a shame to just give the award to someone in order to not have a tie. Still, on the whole, the biggest d-bag has got to be…

Mel Gibson

Are you recording this?

Whether or not Oksana shares some of the blame for why Mel is Mad is debatable. We’ve really only heard his side…through ranting over the phone, which makes him look like a total train wreck.  However, this is not a one shot deal.  This is a pattern of behavior that should really not be as unexpected as one might think.  Mel’s over the top behavior is almost a parody of some of his more “out there” characters.  He’s gone Martin Riggs by way of Jerry from Conspiracy Theory. If anyone doubted that his career was in the crapper, after the DUI arrest, his fit has really hit the shan.   I think he may be a threat to himself, at this point.  But then again, even Roman Polanski won Oscars after being accused of rape. As far as the others go, Lindsay is almost on her way out and Miley may just be going through some growing pains. John Mayer could be a nominee next year and that would probably make him a shoe in. Paris? I don’t want to give her any awards for anything. Let’s just hope she goes away.

Squeal Like a Fan: Teen Obsession and Growing Up In Pop Culture

I remember the biggest craze, growing up, was either the fist fights between moms at Christmas over cabbage patch dolls OR The New Kids On The Block.  I remember the way my pubescent female friends swooned over the boy band.   I remember the clothes, the albums, the Trapper Keepers, the branded textbook covers and even the brown paper bag ones, scribbled in pen, with the words, “Mrs. Jordan Knight” or “Mrs. Donnie Wahlberg” or “Mrs. Joey McIntyre” and maybe one or two, “Mrs. Other New Kid.” Nobody loved Jonathan. What was the other one named, Marlin? Merrill? Oh, well.

But then these girls grew up and stopped obsessing over these boys from Boston and went onto other interests, “Mrs. Dylan McKay-Walsh.” Um… Ew.

So, now that these same girls are moms and they are forced to reckon with their past obsessions being reborn in their children as they see their daughters drool and squeal over the latest of bubblegum trends and while their daughters are scribbling “Mrs. Justin Bieber” all over their facebook walls, the moms are scribbling all over their grocery lists, “Mrs. Cullen-Black.” Um…. Ew².

But there is the other side of the coin for teenage obsessions. Boys had their own likes in the world of pop culture. I whole heartedly remember having my own scribbles on my book covers, “Mr. Susanna Hoffs” and “Mr. Debbie Gibson.” Um… [facepalm].   I was also a huge fan of Erin Gray from Buck Rogers and Alyssa Milano, pre Phoebe Cates/Demi Moore short haircut. The walls in my bedroom were adorned with not one, but two posters of her; one wearing a big gray sweater and the other a New Jersey Devils sweater. Of course, I also had a door length poster of Samantha Fox in a swimsuit, too. Once I gave up the ghost of ever becoming the object of Samantha Micelli’s or Debbie Gibson’s affection, I moved on.  But I still kept the option open for Susanna Hoffs a little while longer.  Hey, it was the only reason for repeated watchings of The Allnighter.

Yet, like all childhood obsessions, we grow up and we grow out. I no longer scribble “Mr. So and So” and though I joke about all these things, like they actually happened, I still laugh at the mere thought of having such obsessions, even in smallest amounts. Of course, now, I’d be remiss if I didn’t admit my own squealing, today, over such goodies as Kristin Chenoweth and Giada De Laurentiis. Um… Yum. But it’s nothing compared to the pure hysteria seen today when Taylor Lautner appears before a crowd of pent up female wolf lovers at a showing of Eclipse in Pittsburgh. You can even see the blushing on the anchors of the local news team as they report footage of him leaving the theater, which was pretty much his hair and chin behind a bodyguard.  Sorry, no abs, ladies.

However, teens today perhaps or more savvy and learn to adjust quicker to memes and trends as seen in the lack of love ,these days, for Miley Cyrus. I’ve noticed in a few people that her choices in art and clothing has registered an out of tune note with some teens who actually “get it.” Just a couple of years ago, older teens were on the bandwagon with Paris Hilton’s and Britney Spears’ trashy lifestyle.  Even South Park made reference to it in the episode, “Stupid Spoiled Whore Video Playset.” Maybe we are seeing the pendulum of risk behavior begin to swing back the other way. One can only hope.

Now that Hannah Montana is scheduled to end we can be sure that there will still be “Miley Watch” as she most likely continues her musical and acting career. Except, now there will be no “Uncle Walt” telling her to go back upstairs and wipe that crap off her face. We’ve seen Britney hit rock bottom, maybe. We are now engrossed in the spectacle that is Lindsay heading to jail, a la Paris Hilton, which if she actually makes it to jail, she will most likely not serve the entire sentence. Frankly, it’s probably the best thing for her.

If Miley is smart she will recognize these examples of how not to conduct your privileged life, [begin rant] driving that post fame vehicle at high speeds, while under the influence, into a crosswalk full of nuns and then fleeing the scene as TMZ chases after you and Perez Hilton attempts to draw scribbles all over you.  [end rant] She still wants to focus on her career but needs to carry those tween fans that are starting to get older and smarter as well as attract new fans that can relate and identify with her music. She’s opted to not go to college which is probably dumb move number one. There are plenty of stars out there who balanced the best of both worlds, fame and a good education. She says she can always go back. I said the same thing when I graduated, with a theater degree, 12 years ago. I still have yet to finish an application.

I have another piece of advice for Miley. If you plan on focusing on your career then start networking with people, with proven track records, who can help you. And If you plan on continuing to act, I HIGHLY suggest doing some theater. Even if it’s Off-Off Broadway you cannot discount the experience as anything but helpful and enriching. The chance to collaborate with creative people in that kind of environment is one of the best resume and experience builders there is. Work on those acting chops and learn from those who know how to do it. Stay away from the Glitter and Crossroads type of films and pay your dues in grease paint and stage lights. You’ll be a better person for it. If you are worried that taking a break from the bubblegum pop set will hurt your career then you already realize that your fame is probably fleeting. Maybe college isn’t such a bad idea. I suggest business or media and communications in your case. You’ve got a brand to uphold. Don’t blow it.

There were a lot of fallen idols in my teenage years.   We just saw Corey Haim and Gary Coleman die this year.   Yet, the level of partying and addiction seems a lot less classy then it did in the 80s.  When I recently discussed the parallels of Lindsay Lohan's life with those of the 80s starlets I was reminded of a hysterical, yet sad but true, sketch from Saturday Night Live entitled "America's Most Wanted: Former Child Stars" which recounted The Barrymore Gang.  I wondered if SNL would try to dust off the sketch and update it to today's stars and fads with Lindsay, Britney, and Miley.  I was then told that even in her worst days, Drew Barrymore held more sense of class than Lindsay ever could.  This got me to thinking, "Maybe the drug scene was more chic and glamorized in the 80s than now."  Shows like Breaking Bad and Weeds portray the lives of drug dealers but it's not like Bright Lights Big City and Less Than Zero. It's more like, toothless, penniless, running around in your underwear with a .44 tucked into the waistband of your BVDs instead of the glitz and glamour or the neon party scene. Maybe it really was a downward spiral of seedy motels and bathrooms and we didn't have the paparazzi and bloggers to document the cracks in the painted facades. 

And on that downard note, I’ll get off my soapbox now and back to scribbling “Mr. …”  Hmm.

How is Markie Post looking these days?