I remember the biggest craze, growing up, was either the fist fights between moms at Christmas over cabbage patch dolls OR The New Kids On The Block. I remember the way my pubescent female friends swooned over the boy band. I remember the clothes, the albums, the Trapper Keepers, the branded textbook covers and even the brown paper bag ones, scribbled in pen, with the words, “Mrs. Jordan Knight” or “Mrs. Donnie Wahlberg” or “Mrs. Joey McIntyre” and maybe one or two, “Mrs. Other New Kid.” Nobody loved Jonathan. What was the other one named, Marlin? Merrill? Oh, well.
But then these girls grew up and stopped obsessing over these boys from Boston and went onto other interests, “Mrs. Dylan McKay-Walsh.” Um… Ew.
So, now that these same girls are moms and they are forced to reckon with their past obsessions being reborn in their children as they see their daughters drool and squeal over the latest of bubblegum trends and while their daughters are scribbling “Mrs. Justin Bieber” all over their facebook walls, the moms are scribbling all over their grocery lists, “Mrs. Cullen-Black.” Um…. Ew2.
But there is the other side of the coin for teenage obsessions. Boys had their own likes in the world of pop culture. I whole heartedly remember having my own scribbles on my book covers, “Mr. Susanna Hoffs” and “Mr. Debbie Gibson.” Um… [facepalm]. I was also a huge fan of Erin Gray from Buck Rogers and Alyssa Milano, pre Phoebe Cates/Demi Moore short haircut. The walls in my bedroom were adorned with not one, but two posters of her; one wearing a big gray sweater and the other a New Jersey Devils sweater. Of course, I also had a door length poster of Samantha Fox in a swimsuit, too. Once I gave up the ghost of ever becoming the object of Samantha Micelli’s or Debbie Gibson’s affection, I moved on. But I still kept the option open for Susanna Hoffs a little while longer. Hey, it was the only reason for repeated watchings of The Allnighter.
Yet, like all childhood obsessions, we grow up and we grow out. I no longer scribble “Mr. So and So” and though I joke about all these things, like they actually happened, I still laugh at the mere thought of having such obsessions, even in smallest amounts. Of course, now, I’d be remiss if I didn’t admit my own squealing, today, over such goodies as Kristin Chenoweth and Giada De Laurentiis. Um… Yum. But it’s nothing compared to the pure hysteria seen today when Taylor Lautner appears before a crowd of pent up female wolf lovers at a showing of Eclipse in Pittsburgh. You can even see the blushing on the anchors of the local news team as they report footage of him leaving the theater, which was pretty much his hair and chin behind a bodyguard. Sorry, no abs, ladies.
However, teens today perhaps or more savvy and learn to adjust quicker to memes and trends as seen in the lack of love ,these days, for Miley Cyrus. I’ve noticed in a few people that her choices in art and clothing has registered an out of tune note with some teens who actually “get it.” Just a couple of years ago, older teens were on the bandwagon with Paris Hilton’s and Britney Spears’ trashy lifestyle. Even South Park made reference to it in the episode, “Stupid Spoiled Whore Video Playset.” Maybe we are seeing the pendulum of risk behavior begin to swing back the other way. One can only hope.
Now that Hannah Montana is scheduled to end we can be sure that there will still be “Miley Watch” as she most likely continues her musical and acting career. Except, now there will be no “Uncle Walt” telling her to go back upstairs and wipe that crap off her face. We’ve seen Britney hit rock bottom, maybe. We are now engrossed in the spectacle that is Lindsay heading to jail, a la Paris Hilton, which if she actually makes it to jail, she will most likely not serve the entire sentence. Frankly, it’s probably the best thing for her.
If Miley is smart she will recognize these examples of how not to conduct your privileged life, [begin rant] driving that post fame vehicle at high speeds, while under the influence, into a crosswalk full of nuns and then fleeing the scene as TMZ chases after you and Perez Hilton attempts to draw scribbles all over you. [end rant] She still wants to focus on her career but needs to carry those tween fans that are starting to get older and smarter as well as attract new fans that can relate and identify with her music. She’s opted to not go to college which is probably dumb move number one. There are plenty of stars out there who balanced the best of both worlds, fame and a good education. She says she can always go back. I said the same thing when I graduated, with a theater degree, 12 years ago. I still have yet to finish an application.
I have another piece of advice for Miley. If you plan on focusing on your career then start networking with people, with proven track records, who can help you. And If you plan on continuing to act, I HIGHLY suggest doing some theater. Even if it’s Off-Off Broadway you cannot discount the experience as anything but helpful and enriching. The chance to collaborate with creative people in that kind of environment is one of the best resume and experience builders there is. Work on those acting chops and learn from those who know how to do it. Stay away from the Glitter and Crossroads type of films and pay your dues in grease paint and stage lights. You’ll be a better person for it. If you are worried that taking a break from the bubblegum pop set will hurt your career then you already realize that your fame is probably fleeting. Maybe college isn’t such a bad idea. I suggest business or media and communications in your case. You’ve got a brand to uphold. Don’t blow it.
There were a lot of fallen idols in my teenage years. We just saw Corey Haim and Gary Coleman die this year. Yet, the level of partying and addiction seems a lot less classy then it did in the 80s. When I recently discussed the parallels of Lindsay Lohan's life with those of the 80s starlets I was reminded of a hysterical, yet sad but true, sketch from Saturday Night Live entitled "America's Most Wanted: Former Child Stars" which recounted The Barrymore Gang. I wondered if SNL would try to dust off the sketch and update it to today's stars and fads with Lindsay, Britney, and Miley. I was then told that even in her worst days, Drew Barrymore held more sense of class than Lindsay ever could. This got me to thinking, "Maybe the drug scene was more chic and glamorized in the 80s than now." Shows like Breaking Bad and Weeds portray the lives of drug dealers but it's not like Bright Lights Big City and Less Than Zero. It's more like, toothless, penniless, running around in your underwear with a .44 tucked into the waistband of your BVDs instead of the glitz and glamour or the neon party scene. Maybe it really was a downward spiral of seedy motels and bathrooms and we didn't have the paparazzi and bloggers to document the cracks in the painted facades.
And on that downard note, I’ll get off my soapbox now and back to scribbling “Mr. …” Hmm.
How is Markie Post looking these days?
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Showing posts with label fame. Show all posts
Showing posts with label fame. Show all posts
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
RIP Mongo
Shhh! I’m thinking.
What? Oh, that title…no, nothing bad has happened, not yet. I was just thinking about my inevitable death. Someday, I shall be no more and my four readers will finally get their lives back, minus a few years of inane blog posts they’ve sorted through here at M.A.M.S. I just figured it would be interesting to plan out what my obituary would say. I know what it should say. But, perhaps we could take a look at what it could say. I was recently discussing the deaths of some famous people with family and friends and had decided that I did not want my obituary to read, “Died from anal cancer” like some of Farrah Fawcett’s online obituaries had read if I were to ever die from anything remotely connected to my ass or other parts used for disposal of waste. Now, a publicist for David Carradine said that the Kung Fu star died fighting ninjas, which I thought was far more appropriate than the dreaded Michael Hutchence’s syndrome. My good friend asked if there was ever an obituary that made it past the editors and contained various references to either false accomplishments or hysterical hyperbole. The winner might just be Michael Jackson when all is said and done, but I thought I’d give it a go.
Mongo died, today, at the age of 115. He was killed while fighting a zombie horde that had invaded his hometown. Mongo managed to dispatch several zombies, with only a crowbar, while simultaneously rescuing a family trapped in their poorly protected home. He was bitten on the arm by one of the undead and proceeded to detonate a propane tank killing him as well as the remaining attackers. This was considered the only outbreak of undead nature and the disaster has been averted thanks to the Supercentarian.
Mongo had accomplished quite a lot in his 115 years on this Earth. He was raised in the desert by his Uncle and Aunt on a moisture farm near the Jundland Wastes. His childhood was typical. Summers in Rangoon, luge lessons, in the winter he was known to play in his most prized possession, an Official Red Ryder Carbine-Action Two-Hundred-Shot Range Model Air Rifle. A tragic gun accident cost him the life of a childhood friend and nearly his own eyesight forcing Mongo to never use another gun, relying only on his own ingenuity, a Swiss army knife, and what was available to him for escaping tight situations.
As he entered into high school Mongo had scored many milestones. Among his achievements, he successfully became a surgeon at the age of 14, though some dispute the age to be 16. An old computerized journal written by Mongo was discovered and converted into existing readable document format by MIT grad students and supported the claim of 14 years. He gave it up though to lead a normal life with his peers. He went back to high school to in order to graduate with his friends.
During his second high school career, he successfully helped his basketball team defeat their rival high school’s Dragons. In that same year it was discovered that a similar looking and possible relative, unconfirmed, played guitar at a high school dance in California, 30 years earlier, prompting speculation that Mongo had indeed gone back in time and performed a yet unreleased version of Johnny B. Goode. The principal of that school has declined comment, only recalling that he was a slacker.
During his senior year, it was rumored that Mongo became embroiled in an international incident between the Soviet Union and the United States military when he unknowingly hacked into the military’s supercomputer used to predict possible outcomes from nuclear war. He just wanted to play games. This incident has been denied by both the U.S. and Soviet Republic’s Government as something you could only find in a movie. One last highlight occurred in Mongo’s adolescence when he successfully skied the K-12 slope, beating the captain of his high school ski team, Roy Stalin.
After graduating he spent the summer as a caddy at Bushwood Country Club where he competed for a college scholarship against other Caddies. Winning the Caddy Day golf tournament proved him a worthy recipient but some unconfirmed discretion with a club cofounder’s niece forced his disqualification. Undeterred, he somehow obtained enough funds for his college career from local businessman, Al Czervik. As the summer wound down he spent a few weeks in Nantucket, single handedly winning the Nantucket Regatta with a makeshift boat and crew assembled from various locals and the engine of a sports car. Before entering college, he had another brush with luck as he was responsible for saving actress Brooke Shields from drowning. He was offered a large sum of money and subsequently blew it all hiring, musical group, Van Halen to play at his birthday. What money he had left was used to attend college.
Over the next few years, Mongo attended a variety of schools, earning him degrees in all manner of study. As an undergrad, he studied astronomy at Grand Lakes University and competed on the dive team. He performed a nearly impossible dive dubbed the Triple Lindy which earned him the only perfect 10 from judges. The dive has since been banned from collegiate diving due to its inherent danger. Afterwards, he transferred to Adams College where he successfully defeated the Alpha Beta fraternity employing a high tech laser light and sound show in the talent portion of the annual Greek Games. This victory led to his own fraternity's wresting of power, over the Greek Council, from the Alpha Betas and an end to nerd persecution at Adams.
Tapping into that associated brain power he felt within the Tri Lambda fraternity at Adams, he decided to leave and attend Pacific Tech to complete a physics degree and worked on a research team consisting of fellow students tasked with designing a chemical laser and tracking device for the military. No such device has ever been claimed to be in existence or contracted by the military and, as such, any information would be deemed classified. His final few years in college were spent in business school while he moonlighted as a hot shot bartender.
After graduating college a second time, Mongo entered into the world of business as a mail room clerk while secretly becoming a high powered executive simply by occupying an empty office. He kept the company from being acquired in a hostile takeover by influencing a number of high rollers in the business world to bank roll his bid to take over the Davenport Enterprises in a proxy fight for the Pemrose Corporation.
Not satisfied with big business or medicine as a career, Mongo moved into the realm of archaeology and retrieved several priceless artifacts such as the Cross of Coronado, the Lost Ark of the Covenant, and it is rumored that he found the stones of Sankara, and the Holy Grail, though evidence is there to support it. There was an additional report that Mongo found the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull but this was deemed too silly even for the most diehard fan of his exploits.
It has been rumored that Mongo is simply a pseudonym, an alter ego for various identities associated with Batman, Superman, James Bond, and even the most outrageous, that he is, indeed, Hannah Montana. As incredulous as it sounds, neither him nor Montana have been seen together at the same time. Further reports that he is the Lindbergh baby have been seen as either ridiculous or intriguing from various points of view.
Other identities connected to Mongo that have either been proven false or are undetermined have been:
Keyser Soze
Client # 8
He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named
Spartacus
Tyler Durden
Grand Priory of the Sion
Jason Bourne
General Maximus Decimus Meridius
and,
The guy in the creepy Burger King Costume
While none of these have ever been confirmed it is worth noting that no one has disputed these claims.
Mongo is survived by his wife and daughter as well as the rest of his extended family which include, Jan, Peter, Bobby, Greg, Marcia, Cindy, but not Oliver; Alex P., Mallory, Jennifer, but not Andrew; Fleegle, Bingo, Drooper, and Snorky; various Happy Tree Friends, Bucky T. Katt, Satchel Pooch, and Rob; Gordie LaChance, Chris Chambers, Teddy DuChamp, and Vern Tessio, even though he was the fat kid that grew up to marry Rebecca Romijn, the bastard; Stewie, Chris, Brian, Peter, Lois, and the other one; the fourth member of Destiny’s Child, Lisa Lopes’ right eye, Randall Flagg, The Dread Pirate Roberts, Ante Meridian, Uncle Meridian, and all the Little Meridians, The Noid, and various members of Menudo.
Guests will be received at The Brickyard citing that Chuck Norris’ beard could not hold his awesomeness, Circus Maximus could not be booked, and Michael Jackson’s memorial in the Staples Center was like seeing Quiet Riot at the County Fair. He will be interred at Machine City until a more suitable venue can be entered into the Pop Culture World for his eternal rest.
Hail to the King, baby.
What? Oh, that title…no, nothing bad has happened, not yet. I was just thinking about my inevitable death. Someday, I shall be no more and my four readers will finally get their lives back, minus a few years of inane blog posts they’ve sorted through here at M.A.M.S. I just figured it would be interesting to plan out what my obituary would say. I know what it should say. But, perhaps we could take a look at what it could say. I was recently discussing the deaths of some famous people with family and friends and had decided that I did not want my obituary to read, “Died from anal cancer” like some of Farrah Fawcett’s online obituaries had read if I were to ever die from anything remotely connected to my ass or other parts used for disposal of waste. Now, a publicist for David Carradine said that the Kung Fu star died fighting ninjas, which I thought was far more appropriate than the dreaded Michael Hutchence’s syndrome. My good friend asked if there was ever an obituary that made it past the editors and contained various references to either false accomplishments or hysterical hyperbole. The winner might just be Michael Jackson when all is said and done, but I thought I’d give it a go.
Mongo died, today, at the age of 115. He was killed while fighting a zombie horde that had invaded his hometown. Mongo managed to dispatch several zombies, with only a crowbar, while simultaneously rescuing a family trapped in their poorly protected home. He was bitten on the arm by one of the undead and proceeded to detonate a propane tank killing him as well as the remaining attackers. This was considered the only outbreak of undead nature and the disaster has been averted thanks to the Supercentarian.
Mongo had accomplished quite a lot in his 115 years on this Earth. He was raised in the desert by his Uncle and Aunt on a moisture farm near the Jundland Wastes. His childhood was typical. Summers in Rangoon, luge lessons, in the winter he was known to play in his most prized possession, an Official Red Ryder Carbine-Action Two-Hundred-Shot Range Model Air Rifle. A tragic gun accident cost him the life of a childhood friend and nearly his own eyesight forcing Mongo to never use another gun, relying only on his own ingenuity, a Swiss army knife, and what was available to him for escaping tight situations.
As he entered into high school Mongo had scored many milestones. Among his achievements, he successfully became a surgeon at the age of 14, though some dispute the age to be 16. An old computerized journal written by Mongo was discovered and converted into existing readable document format by MIT grad students and supported the claim of 14 years. He gave it up though to lead a normal life with his peers. He went back to high school to in order to graduate with his friends.
During his second high school career, he successfully helped his basketball team defeat their rival high school’s Dragons. In that same year it was discovered that a similar looking and possible relative, unconfirmed, played guitar at a high school dance in California, 30 years earlier, prompting speculation that Mongo had indeed gone back in time and performed a yet unreleased version of Johnny B. Goode. The principal of that school has declined comment, only recalling that he was a slacker.
During his senior year, it was rumored that Mongo became embroiled in an international incident between the Soviet Union and the United States military when he unknowingly hacked into the military’s supercomputer used to predict possible outcomes from nuclear war. He just wanted to play games. This incident has been denied by both the U.S. and Soviet Republic’s Government as something you could only find in a movie. One last highlight occurred in Mongo’s adolescence when he successfully skied the K-12 slope, beating the captain of his high school ski team, Roy Stalin.
After graduating he spent the summer as a caddy at Bushwood Country Club where he competed for a college scholarship against other Caddies. Winning the Caddy Day golf tournament proved him a worthy recipient but some unconfirmed discretion with a club cofounder’s niece forced his disqualification. Undeterred, he somehow obtained enough funds for his college career from local businessman, Al Czervik. As the summer wound down he spent a few weeks in Nantucket, single handedly winning the Nantucket Regatta with a makeshift boat and crew assembled from various locals and the engine of a sports car. Before entering college, he had another brush with luck as he was responsible for saving actress Brooke Shields from drowning. He was offered a large sum of money and subsequently blew it all hiring, musical group, Van Halen to play at his birthday. What money he had left was used to attend college.
Over the next few years, Mongo attended a variety of schools, earning him degrees in all manner of study. As an undergrad, he studied astronomy at Grand Lakes University and competed on the dive team. He performed a nearly impossible dive dubbed the Triple Lindy which earned him the only perfect 10 from judges. The dive has since been banned from collegiate diving due to its inherent danger. Afterwards, he transferred to Adams College where he successfully defeated the Alpha Beta fraternity employing a high tech laser light and sound show in the talent portion of the annual Greek Games. This victory led to his own fraternity's wresting of power, over the Greek Council, from the Alpha Betas and an end to nerd persecution at Adams.
Tapping into that associated brain power he felt within the Tri Lambda fraternity at Adams, he decided to leave and attend Pacific Tech to complete a physics degree and worked on a research team consisting of fellow students tasked with designing a chemical laser and tracking device for the military. No such device has ever been claimed to be in existence or contracted by the military and, as such, any information would be deemed classified. His final few years in college were spent in business school while he moonlighted as a hot shot bartender.
After graduating college a second time, Mongo entered into the world of business as a mail room clerk while secretly becoming a high powered executive simply by occupying an empty office. He kept the company from being acquired in a hostile takeover by influencing a number of high rollers in the business world to bank roll his bid to take over the Davenport Enterprises in a proxy fight for the Pemrose Corporation.
Not satisfied with big business or medicine as a career, Mongo moved into the realm of archaeology and retrieved several priceless artifacts such as the Cross of Coronado, the Lost Ark of the Covenant, and it is rumored that he found the stones of Sankara, and the Holy Grail, though evidence is there to support it. There was an additional report that Mongo found the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull but this was deemed too silly even for the most diehard fan of his exploits.
It has been rumored that Mongo is simply a pseudonym, an alter ego for various identities associated with Batman, Superman, James Bond, and even the most outrageous, that he is, indeed, Hannah Montana. As incredulous as it sounds, neither him nor Montana have been seen together at the same time. Further reports that he is the Lindbergh baby have been seen as either ridiculous or intriguing from various points of view.
Other identities connected to Mongo that have either been proven false or are undetermined have been:
Keyser Soze
Client # 8
He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named
Spartacus
Tyler Durden
Grand Priory of the Sion
Jason Bourne
General Maximus Decimus Meridius
and,
The guy in the creepy Burger King Costume
While none of these have ever been confirmed it is worth noting that no one has disputed these claims.
Mongo is survived by his wife and daughter as well as the rest of his extended family which include, Jan, Peter, Bobby, Greg, Marcia, Cindy, but not Oliver; Alex P., Mallory, Jennifer, but not Andrew; Fleegle, Bingo, Drooper, and Snorky; various Happy Tree Friends, Bucky T. Katt, Satchel Pooch, and Rob; Gordie LaChance, Chris Chambers, Teddy DuChamp, and Vern Tessio, even though he was the fat kid that grew up to marry Rebecca Romijn, the bastard; Stewie, Chris, Brian, Peter, Lois, and the other one; the fourth member of Destiny’s Child, Lisa Lopes’ right eye, Randall Flagg, The Dread Pirate Roberts, Ante Meridian, Uncle Meridian, and all the Little Meridians, The Noid, and various members of Menudo.
Guests will be received at The Brickyard citing that Chuck Norris’ beard could not hold his awesomeness, Circus Maximus could not be booked, and Michael Jackson’s memorial in the Staples Center was like seeing Quiet Riot at the County Fair. He will be interred at Machine City until a more suitable venue can be entered into the Pop Culture World for his eternal rest.
Hail to the King, baby.
Thursday, April 16, 2009
Why you'll never see me on Survivor?
It’s not that I am just a little hefty and like the creature comforts of home that I would never be picked for the show. OK, well, that’s partially a reason. I’d be out before Jeff Probst said, “Welcome to Survivor…” In any case, the reason why you’ll never see me on Survivor is that I’m not already famous or rich.
Now, I thought the whole reason for being on Survivor was to Outplay, Outwit, and Outlast the other contestants to win a million dollars. So, why would someone put themselves through all that bug eating, loin cloth wearing, and Probst dimpling crap to win less than they already are worth? Fame? Revived career? Masochistic tendencies?
Here in my own cubic-hell we have an office pool going. $10 for two contestants. That gives us a pot of $80. I have Taj and J.T. Until today I had no idea who these people were. I’ve never even seen the show. I watched one season of Survivor and that was the Australian version 8 years and 16 seasons ago. Go figure that one out. Anyway, Since I don’t pay attention, but like participating in a little competitive office pool, I had no idea if either of my survivors were even still on the show. So, I checked out my trusted source, Wikipedia. Apparently, both are still in it…not for a lack of head scratching with their tables displaying voting patterns, elimination records, and what not. Stranger yet, Taj had her name hyperlinked. I clicked on it and was surprised to find what most of America already knew, she’s famous outside of the show. She’s not only a former member of the musical group SWV, but married to Eddie George. Granted she’s not the first contestant with ties to the NFL. Gary Hogeboom was a contestant in Guatemala and hoped nobody would recognize him from his days as Roger Staubach’s backup.
So, this all begs the question. Why would the wife of a multimillion dollar NFL player compete for a paltry one million before taxes? Ok, how about this. Candace Smith, who got voted out early was a pageant winner, Barker Beauty, and actress, appearing on Entourage, Joey, and a small role in Beerfest where she has sex with a guy who is so drunk he sees her instead of the real woman he picks up from the bar until the next morning. While, Smith may not have the same bank account as Taj, she can’t be doing that bad. After all, she passed the Bar exam before deciding to become an actress. My parents would have killed me. At least, I never took the bar.
A friend and follower of the blog made the comment that this isn’t the first time an actress has been on Reality TV. The Amazing Race just had an actor as a contestant recently, and who can forget Jerri Matheny from Survivor Outback? Their comment was perhaps this is a trend. After chuckling a lot at that, I thought, maybe it’s a symptom. Perhaps wannabe actors are forgoing the traditional route of living out of their car and waiting tables with their head shot and resume tucked into their guest check folder. Maybe they are migrating to Reality Television since scripted shows seem to be on the decline. Although, cable is where it’s at lately. My hope is that this horrible experiment in cheap, repeatable television is almost over. Let’s hope that this was all a symptom of the former administration which made most of America feel less intelligent. Maybe the new sheriff can instill some intellectual pride among us and push us to require better standards from our idiot box. Of course, some will say that his version of Reality Television will have the winners giving some of their winnings to everyone else. To each his own. Me, I'd rather wait until I hit it big, then I'll go audition for a reality show when my 15 minutes are almost up. That's how I aim to survive.
Now, I thought the whole reason for being on Survivor was to Outplay, Outwit, and Outlast the other contestants to win a million dollars. So, why would someone put themselves through all that bug eating, loin cloth wearing, and Probst dimpling crap to win less than they already are worth? Fame? Revived career? Masochistic tendencies?
Here in my own cubic-hell we have an office pool going. $10 for two contestants. That gives us a pot of $80. I have Taj and J.T. Until today I had no idea who these people were. I’ve never even seen the show. I watched one season of Survivor and that was the Australian version 8 years and 16 seasons ago. Go figure that one out. Anyway, Since I don’t pay attention, but like participating in a little competitive office pool, I had no idea if either of my survivors were even still on the show. So, I checked out my trusted source, Wikipedia. Apparently, both are still in it…not for a lack of head scratching with their tables displaying voting patterns, elimination records, and what not. Stranger yet, Taj had her name hyperlinked. I clicked on it and was surprised to find what most of America already knew, she’s famous outside of the show. She’s not only a former member of the musical group SWV, but married to Eddie George. Granted she’s not the first contestant with ties to the NFL. Gary Hogeboom was a contestant in Guatemala and hoped nobody would recognize him from his days as Roger Staubach’s backup.
So, this all begs the question. Why would the wife of a multimillion dollar NFL player compete for a paltry one million before taxes? Ok, how about this. Candace Smith, who got voted out early was a pageant winner, Barker Beauty, and actress, appearing on Entourage, Joey, and a small role in Beerfest where she has sex with a guy who is so drunk he sees her instead of the real woman he picks up from the bar until the next morning. While, Smith may not have the same bank account as Taj, she can’t be doing that bad. After all, she passed the Bar exam before deciding to become an actress. My parents would have killed me. At least, I never took the bar.
A friend and follower of the blog made the comment that this isn’t the first time an actress has been on Reality TV. The Amazing Race just had an actor as a contestant recently, and who can forget Jerri Matheny from Survivor Outback? Their comment was perhaps this is a trend. After chuckling a lot at that, I thought, maybe it’s a symptom. Perhaps wannabe actors are forgoing the traditional route of living out of their car and waiting tables with their head shot and resume tucked into their guest check folder. Maybe they are migrating to Reality Television since scripted shows seem to be on the decline. Although, cable is where it’s at lately. My hope is that this horrible experiment in cheap, repeatable television is almost over. Let’s hope that this was all a symptom of the former administration which made most of America feel less intelligent. Maybe the new sheriff can instill some intellectual pride among us and push us to require better standards from our idiot box. Of course, some will say that his version of Reality Television will have the winners giving some of their winnings to everyone else. To each his own. Me, I'd rather wait until I hit it big, then I'll go audition for a reality show when my 15 minutes are almost up. That's how I aim to survive.
Wednesday, March 5, 2008
15 minutes of lame
In 1977, a little movie opened that changed the course of cinematic history. It also had serious ramifications in regards to my life. Even today I, still feel the effects of that film about good vs. evil set in another time and another place. Of course, I am talking about Star Wars. I was probably around the age of 4 when Star Wars was re-released, still without the moniker Episode IV: A New Hope, and it was the single most defining moment of my childhood. I must say it's hard to compare it against anything else at that time because I had seen only one other movie in the theater at such an early age, the Ralph Bakshi animated adaptation of The Lord of the Rings. There is a story that gets recalled every so often, that as a child, I had to explain that movie to my parents. Is it any wonder that Star Wars had such resonance with me? From the moment Princess Leia planted those medals on Luke Skywalker and Han Solo I knew what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wanted to be Han Solo. That lasted until Han was frozen in carbonite in the sequel. Then I readjusted my career path and settled on wanting to be Chewbacca. Okay, I'm kidding. I can say that from that early age, I have been fascinated with film and film making. I knew that I wanted to be in Hollywood when I grew up.
The evolution of such a lofty goal can be attributed to the fact that as a child, and even today, my imagination has been overactive. Actually, that's an understatement. I should say it is hyperactive. On a scale of 1-10, it goes to 11. I was constantly afraid of my bedroom due to the fact that I couldn't see inside the closet or under my bed and therefore any number of monstrous creatures resided in those dark places. What I couldn't see was far worse than anything that I could. Take your concept of the bogeyman and increase it exponentially and you had what I thought the bogeyman was. That was the downside. The upside was that I was always good at playing with my friends because I could imagine an entire world for us to play in and all they had to do was ask what I saw and they believed it, too. My wife will tell you that anytime I explain anything, I go to Erie to get there. It's a fault in my thinking. The more elaborate and detailed the information is, the better the quality. Granted, I do tend to ramble on and if you've read any of my posts you'd say, "DUH!" This was the driving force in my wanting to be a filmmaker or at least an actor. There are photos of me dressed up in costumes, which usually consisted of afghans, kitchen towels, or blankets, all pretending to be anyone but myself. I constantly developed new characters and voices to try out on a tape recorder that I carried around.
I finally got my big break in sixth grade when I joined the chorus in our school. Some how I managed to pull off singing just well enough to be let in and our grade school put on two productions a year. The winter production which had a Christmas theme was called Santa's Gone Hip. In this off, off, off, off, off, off, Broadway musical masterpiece, Santa finds himself to be antiquated and decides to update his image to compete with the times...and hilarity ensues. I played the part of an elf dressed up in punk clothes. I looked more like a skunk in Jams as I sprayed white coloring in my hair to give an outrageous look. For the spring show we did a retrospect on the history of communication called, Heard It Through the Grapevine, in which I had my first speaking role. Due to over abundance of energy and tendency to speak in John Moschitta fashion, I was sent to our Speech Teacher to learn how to slow down and enunciate my lines. After all, I had the opening speech and wanted to do my best.
After grade school, the opportunities to perform were limited with the exception of straight choir or band. I had already been in concert band and knowing that whatever got me through the singing process in grade school was luck at best, I opted to forget choir and stayed with playing the drums in marching, concert, and jazz band. Still the ham I was, I stood out from the crowd with my clownish antics. Once I began high school I was given new hope, in a round about way. The drama offerings in our high school consisted of either a Senior Class Play or a yearly Spring Musical. Still not wanting to make anyone's ears bleed, I shied away from choir but did join up with the stage crew for both productions. By my junior year, I was shanghaied into auditioning for the musical as well. My friends pretty much pushed me into it. It was rather uncharacteristic of me as I usually walked to the beat of my own drumming. Peer pressure never really affected me, at least that what my friends told me to think. I didn't think I could sing or dance, but I could act. Unfortunately, the musicals required the first two traits more than the third. My only saving grace was that I was a boy. That was pretty much a ticket into the cast, no matter what. So, I debuted my triple threat of mediocrity on stage Connellsville Area High School's 1992 production of Li'l Abner. I did not have so much a speaking part as most of lines were spoken by the character of "All" or "Everyone." But, I did have the distinction of being one of the few with the most stage time as I was constantly being put into more and more scenes doing more and more things. During the Sadie Hawkins Day Race, I was a part of a trio of men trying to escape marriage by hiding amongst cornstalks in a synchronized choreography of sneaking around. I was also one of the slovenly husbands that were magically transformed into a beefcake by drinking "Yokumberry Tonic." I was, of course, the before representation.
During the summer, I managed to work my way into a community theater production of Damn Yankees. I played Ted Nugent. I'm kidding. I played a baseball player with a few lines. It was a church group that passed around lead parts among their inner circle. Three of us from the high school performed and all agreed that our high school productions blew them out of the water in terms of talent. For our senior year, I was given the opportunity to audition for the Senior Class Play and did get the role of Homer Zuckerman in our production of Charlotte's Web. My first real speaking role in high school was a chance for me to once again hide underneath a costume and make up, portraying an older gentleman. I sounded more like a combination of Ross Perot, Jimmy Stewart, and my Jan Show, the high school Physics teacher. I followed up the play with another speaking role in Barnum, our Spring Musical. We based our production on the BBC's Michael Crawford version rather than the Jim Dale Broadway production, playing more on the convention of breaking the fourth wall. Convinced I had a better grasp on the acting requirements for the role, I was a bit distraught with being relegated to a smaller character. Not having the voice that my peers had, I relied on my timing and ability to understand how to play off the audience. Unfortunately, it wasn't enough to convince the director. If only I could have Milli Vanillied my way through it, it would have been spectacular. Not wanting to let my inability to sing well get me down, I relished in the opportunity to be a part of the circus that quite literally was the production. Again, having the distinction of being in nearly every scene as some sort of character, I learned how to spin plates, juggle, crack a bull whip, and even was a barker for a side show stand in the lobby prior to the show. That gave me the chance to totally improvise my character as we did not have any kind of script to work of for the role. The show was expanded to run for two weekends, something never done before in our school, which gave us a chance to be apart of a real theatrical run. Barnum closed on March 6th, 1993, my 18th birthday. It was probably one of the greatest accomplishments of my performing career. I'll never forget being on stage during the curtain calls with the confetti coming down underneath the multi colored lights which flooded the stage dressed as a three ring circus. It was not uncommon for the performances to get a standing ovation during the run, mostly due to the fact that our town took two things seriously, high school athletics and the musical. It was, however, the first time I truly felt deserving of one.
With college, I concentrated mainly on straight acting and had several roles in productions at the University of Pittsburgh. By the time I had graduated, I appeared in Room Service, Fuente Ovejuna, Psycho Beach Party (which I acted alongside Joe Manganiello), The School For Scandal, Lone Star, The Widow's Blind Date, Hopscotch, The Philadelphia, and Pericles. Not bad having Sheridan, Shakespeare, and Horovitz on your acting resume. I also managed to rack up one lonesome film credit. Technically, I was an unpaid extra, but still I poured a lot of method acting into playing "Crowd Member" in 1995's Jean-Claude Van Damme's classic film, Sudden Death. Since college, I have bounced around among the local community theater groups performing Summer Stock. But in 2003 I got my biggest break yet, I appeared in a commercial and was paid for it. On advice from a friend and fellow actor, Bob, who has appeared in at least one commercial for Austin's Cleaning Products, I went to an agency in Pittsburgh that provided actors for film and television productions. While I was there to sign up, I was asked to just do a quick audition for an Eat'N Park commercial. Being a regular customer, I must have impressed the casting director when I automatically rambled off an order from memory as part of my audition. I was contacted the next day and given instructions for showing up at the corporate site to film. I was beyond ecstatic. Finally, I was getting the opportunity to be a paid actor. I knew that I had no shot of being a real star unless I moved to Hollywood or New York. I wasn't interested in starving for my art for years until I had break, so I gave up the dream a long time ago. Still, there are tons of real acting jobs in Pittsburgh as more and more production companies come to the area to film.
Dinner For Two (2003)
The commercial was set to be shown on broadcast television in mid January of 2003. I managed to catch it during the Golden Globes and later on during the Pro Bowl. I couldn't believe it. There was my ugly mug on my television set and I didn't have to press play to get it there. Of course, I had to tell all my friends and co workers that I was on TV and even though it was all of maybe 4 seconds, it was like I was a star. My fame would soon be fleeting as I was given another job, later that year. I scored a shoot for Value City department stores. It was for a circular ad that would appear in the regional newspapers. Again, I touted to anyone who would listen that I was going to appear in their Sunday Paper and not in the Police Blotter. I made the treacherous drive to Columbus Ohio that summer for the photo shoot. I say treacherous because it was during the Sniper Attacks of 2003 along the highways of Ohio around Columbus. I managed to get to and from the shoot with no incidences and anxiously anticipated the arrival of the Sunday Paper in the coming weeks. When the day had finally come, I went to the store to buy the paper, proud to leaf through looking for my picture. It was a summer clothing line photo shoot and I was wearing a blue shirt and shorts in the ad. I flipped through the superfluous news filled pages looking for the ads sandwiched in the center. There it was, the Value City ad. I scanned the page and found my ad panel.......There I........wasn't. It was the right outfit but I wasn't wearing it. Normally, I won't be the first person to say that I am a pretty good actor. At 5'10", I am average height and can pull off a lot of characters. I think I do have some acting chops, but I don't think I could have pulled off portraying a 6'4" tall African American, which was what I saw when I looked at the spot where I was to have been shown.
For whatever reason I was replaced, I'll never know, but it was the last job I did with that particular agency. I found it increasingly hard to get time off for auditions and they neglected to use my work or cell phone as a primary contact number always leaving me messages on my home phone asking if I was interested in coming down the next day to audition. Since I needed a little more than 24 hours notice to arrange for a later shift at work, it became nearly impossible to schedule anything and I just let the dream die.
So, there you have it. My fifteen minutes were here and gone and now I've taken on the more demanding, yet highly rewarding role of father to my 8 month old daughter, Bailey. She's named after my two favorite characters in television (WKRP's Bailey Quarters) and film (It's a Wonderful Life's George Bailey). I still believe that if given the opportunity, I could be a great actor or filmmaker, but I like my life and I'm comfortable not being the center of attention. It was something I was so good at and craved the spotlight for most of my youth. For now, I may not be able to make a movie or act along side some of the greatest performers going, but I still have the chance to create a rich and immense world. I'm sure I'll have no trouble in convincing the one person who will relish in the opportunity to explore it. Perhaps she'll follow through on my dreams and make it big. I don't care if she never gets her name on anything other than the honor role. She's my biggest fan and my biggest hero and I'll never pass up the opportunity to take a photo with her. Just as long as it's me in the picture when I develop it and not somebody else dressed like me. That still burns my ass.
The evolution of such a lofty goal can be attributed to the fact that as a child, and even today, my imagination has been overactive. Actually, that's an understatement. I should say it is hyperactive. On a scale of 1-10, it goes to 11. I was constantly afraid of my bedroom due to the fact that I couldn't see inside the closet or under my bed and therefore any number of monstrous creatures resided in those dark places. What I couldn't see was far worse than anything that I could. Take your concept of the bogeyman and increase it exponentially and you had what I thought the bogeyman was. That was the downside. The upside was that I was always good at playing with my friends because I could imagine an entire world for us to play in and all they had to do was ask what I saw and they believed it, too. My wife will tell you that anytime I explain anything, I go to Erie to get there. It's a fault in my thinking. The more elaborate and detailed the information is, the better the quality. Granted, I do tend to ramble on and if you've read any of my posts you'd say, "DUH!" This was the driving force in my wanting to be a filmmaker or at least an actor. There are photos of me dressed up in costumes, which usually consisted of afghans, kitchen towels, or blankets, all pretending to be anyone but myself. I constantly developed new characters and voices to try out on a tape recorder that I carried around.
I finally got my big break in sixth grade when I joined the chorus in our school. Some how I managed to pull off singing just well enough to be let in and our grade school put on two productions a year. The winter production which had a Christmas theme was called Santa's Gone Hip. In this off, off, off, off, off, off, Broadway musical masterpiece, Santa finds himself to be antiquated and decides to update his image to compete with the times...and hilarity ensues. I played the part of an elf dressed up in punk clothes. I looked more like a skunk in Jams as I sprayed white coloring in my hair to give an outrageous look. For the spring show we did a retrospect on the history of communication called, Heard It Through the Grapevine, in which I had my first speaking role. Due to over abundance of energy and tendency to speak in John Moschitta fashion, I was sent to our Speech Teacher to learn how to slow down and enunciate my lines. After all, I had the opening speech and wanted to do my best.
After grade school, the opportunities to perform were limited with the exception of straight choir or band. I had already been in concert band and knowing that whatever got me through the singing process in grade school was luck at best, I opted to forget choir and stayed with playing the drums in marching, concert, and jazz band. Still the ham I was, I stood out from the crowd with my clownish antics. Once I began high school I was given new hope, in a round about way. The drama offerings in our high school consisted of either a Senior Class Play or a yearly Spring Musical. Still not wanting to make anyone's ears bleed, I shied away from choir but did join up with the stage crew for both productions. By my junior year, I was shanghaied into auditioning for the musical as well. My friends pretty much pushed me into it. It was rather uncharacteristic of me as I usually walked to the beat of my own drumming. Peer pressure never really affected me, at least that what my friends told me to think. I didn't think I could sing or dance, but I could act. Unfortunately, the musicals required the first two traits more than the third. My only saving grace was that I was a boy. That was pretty much a ticket into the cast, no matter what. So, I debuted my triple threat of mediocrity on stage Connellsville Area High School's 1992 production of Li'l Abner. I did not have so much a speaking part as most of lines were spoken by the character of "All" or "Everyone." But, I did have the distinction of being one of the few with the most stage time as I was constantly being put into more and more scenes doing more and more things. During the Sadie Hawkins Day Race, I was a part of a trio of men trying to escape marriage by hiding amongst cornstalks in a synchronized choreography of sneaking around. I was also one of the slovenly husbands that were magically transformed into a beefcake by drinking "Yokumberry Tonic." I was, of course, the before representation.
During the summer, I managed to work my way into a community theater production of Damn Yankees. I played Ted Nugent. I'm kidding. I played a baseball player with a few lines. It was a church group that passed around lead parts among their inner circle. Three of us from the high school performed and all agreed that our high school productions blew them out of the water in terms of talent. For our senior year, I was given the opportunity to audition for the Senior Class Play and did get the role of Homer Zuckerman in our production of Charlotte's Web. My first real speaking role in high school was a chance for me to once again hide underneath a costume and make up, portraying an older gentleman. I sounded more like a combination of Ross Perot, Jimmy Stewart, and my Jan Show, the high school Physics teacher. I followed up the play with another speaking role in Barnum, our Spring Musical. We based our production on the BBC's Michael Crawford version rather than the Jim Dale Broadway production, playing more on the convention of breaking the fourth wall. Convinced I had a better grasp on the acting requirements for the role, I was a bit distraught with being relegated to a smaller character. Not having the voice that my peers had, I relied on my timing and ability to understand how to play off the audience. Unfortunately, it wasn't enough to convince the director. If only I could have Milli Vanillied my way through it, it would have been spectacular. Not wanting to let my inability to sing well get me down, I relished in the opportunity to be a part of the circus that quite literally was the production. Again, having the distinction of being in nearly every scene as some sort of character, I learned how to spin plates, juggle, crack a bull whip, and even was a barker for a side show stand in the lobby prior to the show. That gave me the chance to totally improvise my character as we did not have any kind of script to work of for the role. The show was expanded to run for two weekends, something never done before in our school, which gave us a chance to be apart of a real theatrical run. Barnum closed on March 6th, 1993, my 18th birthday. It was probably one of the greatest accomplishments of my performing career. I'll never forget being on stage during the curtain calls with the confetti coming down underneath the multi colored lights which flooded the stage dressed as a three ring circus. It was not uncommon for the performances to get a standing ovation during the run, mostly due to the fact that our town took two things seriously, high school athletics and the musical. It was, however, the first time I truly felt deserving of one.
With college, I concentrated mainly on straight acting and had several roles in productions at the University of Pittsburgh. By the time I had graduated, I appeared in Room Service, Fuente Ovejuna, Psycho Beach Party (which I acted alongside Joe Manganiello), The School For Scandal, Lone Star, The Widow's Blind Date, Hopscotch, The Philadelphia, and Pericles. Not bad having Sheridan, Shakespeare, and Horovitz on your acting resume. I also managed to rack up one lonesome film credit. Technically, I was an unpaid extra, but still I poured a lot of method acting into playing "Crowd Member" in 1995's Jean-Claude Van Damme's classic film, Sudden Death. Since college, I have bounced around among the local community theater groups performing Summer Stock. But in 2003 I got my biggest break yet, I appeared in a commercial and was paid for it. On advice from a friend and fellow actor, Bob, who has appeared in at least one commercial for Austin's Cleaning Products, I went to an agency in Pittsburgh that provided actors for film and television productions. While I was there to sign up, I was asked to just do a quick audition for an Eat'N Park commercial. Being a regular customer, I must have impressed the casting director when I automatically rambled off an order from memory as part of my audition. I was contacted the next day and given instructions for showing up at the corporate site to film. I was beyond ecstatic. Finally, I was getting the opportunity to be a paid actor. I knew that I had no shot of being a real star unless I moved to Hollywood or New York. I wasn't interested in starving for my art for years until I had break, so I gave up the dream a long time ago. Still, there are tons of real acting jobs in Pittsburgh as more and more production companies come to the area to film.
Dinner For Two (2003)
The commercial was set to be shown on broadcast television in mid January of 2003. I managed to catch it during the Golden Globes and later on during the Pro Bowl. I couldn't believe it. There was my ugly mug on my television set and I didn't have to press play to get it there. Of course, I had to tell all my friends and co workers that I was on TV and even though it was all of maybe 4 seconds, it was like I was a star. My fame would soon be fleeting as I was given another job, later that year. I scored a shoot for Value City department stores. It was for a circular ad that would appear in the regional newspapers. Again, I touted to anyone who would listen that I was going to appear in their Sunday Paper and not in the Police Blotter. I made the treacherous drive to Columbus Ohio that summer for the photo shoot. I say treacherous because it was during the Sniper Attacks of 2003 along the highways of Ohio around Columbus. I managed to get to and from the shoot with no incidences and anxiously anticipated the arrival of the Sunday Paper in the coming weeks. When the day had finally come, I went to the store to buy the paper, proud to leaf through looking for my picture. It was a summer clothing line photo shoot and I was wearing a blue shirt and shorts in the ad. I flipped through the superfluous news filled pages looking for the ads sandwiched in the center. There it was, the Value City ad. I scanned the page and found my ad panel.......There I........wasn't. It was the right outfit but I wasn't wearing it. Normally, I won't be the first person to say that I am a pretty good actor. At 5'10", I am average height and can pull off a lot of characters. I think I do have some acting chops, but I don't think I could have pulled off portraying a 6'4" tall African American, which was what I saw when I looked at the spot where I was to have been shown.
For whatever reason I was replaced, I'll never know, but it was the last job I did with that particular agency. I found it increasingly hard to get time off for auditions and they neglected to use my work or cell phone as a primary contact number always leaving me messages on my home phone asking if I was interested in coming down the next day to audition. Since I needed a little more than 24 hours notice to arrange for a later shift at work, it became nearly impossible to schedule anything and I just let the dream die.
So, there you have it. My fifteen minutes were here and gone and now I've taken on the more demanding, yet highly rewarding role of father to my 8 month old daughter, Bailey. She's named after my two favorite characters in television (WKRP's Bailey Quarters) and film (It's a Wonderful Life's George Bailey). I still believe that if given the opportunity, I could be a great actor or filmmaker, but I like my life and I'm comfortable not being the center of attention. It was something I was so good at and craved the spotlight for most of my youth. For now, I may not be able to make a movie or act along side some of the greatest performers going, but I still have the chance to create a rich and immense world. I'm sure I'll have no trouble in convincing the one person who will relish in the opportunity to explore it. Perhaps she'll follow through on my dreams and make it big. I don't care if she never gets her name on anything other than the honor role. She's my biggest fan and my biggest hero and I'll never pass up the opportunity to take a photo with her. Just as long as it's me in the picture when I develop it and not somebody else dressed like me. That still burns my ass.
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