New Moon Over My Dead Body

Shhh. Don’t tell my wife the new Twilight movie is out. Actually, she already knows and has known for months. Much to my dismay.

I’m not going to get into every little issue I have with the whole saga. Simply put, I’m not a fan but can appreciate its existence in the genre of sappy teen romance novels. Although, with New Moon opening up November 20th I have only this to say. Michael Corvin makes Jacob Black look like Teen Wolf….Too. That’s right. I pulled out a Jason Bateman reference for that one. Hell, I give Jon Gries more props as a werewolf. Go figure that one out. I’ll give you a hint. Jacob’s nards haven’t dropped enough yet to compare with Jon Gries’ characterization. Oh, I know Entertainment Weekly is just chomping at the slipper to churn out a list of best Werewolves on screen. It will most likely feature an over ranked Taylor Lautner near the top of the list. In fact I almost cringe at the obligatory connections between Lautner’s portrayal and accompanying clips and or tributes with Warren Zevon’s “Werewolves of London.” The folks at EW having been failing miserably at capturing a good list of anything lately. In my ranking you have, in no particular order, Lon Chaney, Jr., Seth Green, Jon Gries, MJF, Bill Stone, Jack Nicholson, Scott Speedman, David Naughton, and even Everett McGill from Silver Bullet above Jacob Black. He might make the list but I c

Ok, all of this goofy emo sparkly vampire crap aside, let’s get right to the point of this post. Going to see New Moon. Yeah, I admit, I will probably have to go watch it in the theater. My wife, who hates to go to the movies, will most likely insist on it. However, I will give her props, she won’t go see it the first few weeks which gives me time to cowboy up before having to firmly remove my manhood and stow it in her purse. She’s got Vampire Bill from the Sookie Stackhouse novels to keep her going for awhile.

You know, not to belabor a point but it is so ironic that my wife used to criticize me for watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer. It was while we were first dating circa Season Four. She caught me watching it one night and went into this whole geek/nerd/dork diatribe. Yeah….then she started watching it and was fawning all over Spike. Still, she has moved beyond William the Bloody for Edward the Shimmering and now Jacob the Furry.

Back to the point. Apart from not really caring for the subject matter, I treat the cinema like a church. When I go, I want dead center seating, up out of the way of people and absolute quiet. I want to be able to detach my consciousness from everyday life and just be in the moment. There is nothing more infuriating then the following. If this is you, resign yourself from the human race and go live with the animals.

1. You sit behind me and use my chair as a personal knee and or foot rest. Leave me the hell alone and stop breathing while you are at it.
2. You see a darkened theater as an excuse to text someone. Put the phone away. I don’t that damn glow from your screen interfering with my vegetative state.
3. You leave your ringer on and in turn answer the phone when it does ring. You have ample warnings and at least a half hour of previews, commercials, PSA clips and theater produced dos and don’ts to turn it off. If you don’t want to turn it off, fine, put it on vibrate if you think you are so important. And don’t answer it and carry on a conversation. If you accidentally leave your ringer or phone on, immediately do whatever it is that makes your call go to voice mail and then rectify the problem.
4. You’re the guy who thinks he’s going to be funny and shout something at the screen. This isn’t Seinfeld, this isn’t MST3k, this is a theater and should be treated as such.
5. Kids, I know it’s hard but STFU. I admit I’ve been just as bad but I’m old and cranky now and I’ve seen the error of my ways. Sit down, shut up, and pull up your damn pants.
6. Pick up your damn garbage. I nearly stepped out of my Nike’s.
7. This one is for the ushers and attendants. Don’t be walking in during the film to go check on something. Nothing used to burn me up more than to have some red vested slack come be bopping in and cross IN FRONT OF THE SCREEN to go check on a thermostat or something. It’ll keep. Unless the bloody theater is on fire, nothing bad is going to happen.
8. You, down in front. Lose the sombrero, asshole.
9. Don’t whisper something about the film like trivia or potential plot points. I only did this once for bragging rights. I whispered to a friend of mine once, “You watch. Bruce Willis is actually dead.” Ruined the whole damn thing for her.
10. You sit next to me in a theater of about three people. Go find your own space. Unless it gets crowded I maintain the empty seat between rule. Which is why if I have to sit at the end of the aisle, I always take the first seat inward. That gives me the option to move to the aisle when everything is settled.
11. As a bonus, I used to love getting popcorn and drinks and candy when I would go to the movies. The prices are now way too expensive. However, if you got the money to buy the food, at least have the manners to not crumple bags and crunch and munch on chips or candy during quiet moments. Wait for an explosion. And don’t do that stupid thing with the straw when it rubs on the lid making that screeching noise.

Like I said, my wife is no big fan of movie theaters and the prospect of having to sit up close and personal with a bunch of teeny boppers, exhibiting more than three of the above bad habits, is about as fun as a root canal done by a guy with a lazy eye and a degree from a Central American Dental Academy. She would probably be happy waiting for it to come to OnDemand or DVD.

Going to see the new Twilight movie ought to be less fun for me. I really disliked the first one. And I’m not even talking about the plot as much as I am talking about how bad the film was overall. The conceptualization of how the action takes place…like the sped up running and sparkle motion really let me down in the 21st century realm of movie making. New film, new director, better execution, maybe. Granted that still doesn’t make up for the piss poor vampire world series taking place. WTF (Mandatory Internet Slang quota reached twice, now) was that all about? My wife is convinced that if I read the books I’ll appreciate the subject matter more. I doubt that. She’s already read me passages from the last book and I really don’t feel any urge to go and read the first ones.