Revenge of the Nerds: Entitlement, Misogyny, and Misconceptions Perpetrated By a Classic

Oh 80s, you silly time.  No one cared about PC culture or what was considered right.  Hollywood took a concept used time and time again and equated it to College, dating, and social status.

In 1979, Bill Murray and a bunch of ne’er do wells took on the rich, more entitled campers of Camp Mohawk in Meatballs.

In 1980, it was the slobs vs. the snobs in Caddyshack as the likes of Danny Noonan, a poor caddy, and wealthy, but uncultured Al Czervik take on the likes of Judge Smails and Dr. Beeper at Bushwood Country Club.

But in 1984 the haves vs. the have nots trope was spun into the nerds vs. the jocks at Adams College in Revenge of the Nerds.

Simple concept, two nerds try to fight the established “Greek” social society infrastructure at a college in order to be given the same treatment as their more physically fit and attractive male counterparts.  Brains vs. Braun.   Along the way, main nerd Lewis develops a crush on sorority cheerleader Betty and pursues her in spite of the fact that she clearly has no interest in him and already has a boyfriend, footballer and alpha male Stan.

Through various tests of wills and basic knowledge of science, the nerds defeat their jock antagonists and Lewis wins Betty from Stan in the flimsiest of plot points.

And that moment set the stage for a variety of cultural misconceptions that have always existed but were exploded into a “thing”.  If a nerd can just convince an attractive, out of his league female, he will be rewarded with sex and status, regardless of anything such as earning these concepts.

I’ll admit it.  I loved this movie growing up.  It was funny.  I was a budding teen and this movie was an HBO staple at the inception of my adolescence.  In other words it had boobs.

But it also had other things that, upon review after 30 years, are somewhat unsettling.  It has, in no particular order:

• Sexual harassment
• Rape
• Invasion of privacy
• Destruction of private property
• Lewd and lascivious behavior
• Theft
• Misogyny
• Pornography

I was talking about the acts committed by the nerds, mind you.  Yes, it is shocking to think that something considered to be a "comedy" could really be the basis for a horrible reality.  Even the title creates an air of violent tendencies "REVENGE" of the nerds.

Now, to be fair, the treatment of the nerds by the jocks is unfounded.   If you want to get technical about it, the jocks fire the first two or three shots.  They physically assault the nerds, throwing them from their dorm rooms in a manifest destiny of “Well, my football players need coddled because they are the driving force of enrollment and funding for this institution of higher learning.”  They also humiliate the nerds by inviting Lewis and Gilbert to rush Alpha Beta fraternity.  In fact, Betty is complicit in her role as deceiver of affections towards Lewis.  In the end, they choose to resort to physical violence at a pep rally before they are stopped by another stereotypical character, the scary and possibly more intimidating African American male fraternity.

However, if you think the nerds are absolved of blame, let’s take a look at what they do throughout the course of the movie.  Lewis and company sneak into PI sorority and steal underwear, physically enter private dressing areas, set up surveillance equipment, all because those women teased us, so we are entitled to look at their naked bodies without their expressed approval or knowledge.

During the Greek games, the nerds outsell the jocks in the charity pie bake sale by including, as a reward, a picture of Betty, topless.

Finally, Lewis gets his ultimate revenge by posing as Stan in a costume and following Betty into an attraction and effectively raping her into submission in his desire to win her from a jock with the argument that I am a better match for you because I am better at sex than Stan.   Yes, technically, it is rape.  She was not consenting to Lewis.  She was tricked.

But it’s all in fun, right?  It’s the 80s.  It’s college.  It’s acceptable behavior.

No.  It creates a false expectation in those who are considered nerds.   It forgives the egregious behavior by a subculture of humans that are clearly smart enough to know what things they should not do just because they feel they are wronged.

It also creates a false personification of an alpha male as an antagonist towards those with weaker physical attributes and stronger mental ones.   “Because he is clearly weaker, I must dehumanize him more for the sake of my position in my group.”  Granted, it is more acceptable to believe that because someone is a jock or popular, they are afforded more rewards because of their status.

Now, I am not absolving the jocks for their behavior in the film.  I am digging further into a concept that is becoming a huge problem in this age of instant gratification due to technology; entitlement.

The jocks feel entitled because they have physical prowess and are clearly the driving force behind the school’s success at capturing funding.  They feel that because of that role, they are deserving of the best accommodations, regardless of actually earning them.    They feel that others, who do not fit into their mold of perfection are not worthy of the same accoutrements.  They even leverage their girlfriends to deceive and humiliate the nerds.  They feel entitled to use women for their bodies because they are dating them.

The nerds, display the sense of entitlement that has developed into an epidemic of thinking among young men today.   “I am a good person.  I am smart.  I am nice.  I clearly treat women better.  Therefore, I should be rewarded by women, just because of those things.  Not because they actually:

A: Are attractive to them

B: Have common interests as them

C: Have a chemistry conducive to the foundation of a relationship with them

In the wake of the rampage by Elliot Rodgers due to “entitlement sex”, the foundations of nerd culture get called into play.  The problem is, like any culture or subset of a culture, the loudest and most antagonistic members are the ones the group gets defined by.  Whether it be Republicans, Democrats, Christians, Islamists, jocks, nerds, feminists, blondes, gays, lesbians, men, or women, every set has its “one bad apple”.     But we need to take it back.  We all do.

My own experience in this subset is somewhat skewed.  I am a hybrid of sorts.   If you imagine social strata as a wheel with each spoke representing a subset of culture; jock, nerd, popular, etc.  I tend to exist near the hub.   My attempts to exist in any one end or spoke is impeded by centripetal force constantly pulling me inward to where I exist as several different stock character types at once.    I grew up, dealing with things like being chubby, wearing glasses, being labelled as “smart” by my peers.  I had bad teeth and hair and clothes.  I also played basketball and baseball, albeit horribly.  I wasn’t a straight A student and found myself, at times, struggling with Algebra and Science.  Yet, I also felt as if I was well liked and had friends who operated in different spokes.  Sure, I had my own dealings with “jocks” and “bullies”, but I could always blend in when it called for it, but couldn’t stay there for long because that force of motion could not allow me to sustain any one trait.  It’s a sort of chicken and egg conundrum as to why I pursued acting.  I either developed it because I wanted to be an actor or I pursued it because I was already trying to be everyone at once.  However, I probably identify more with nerds than any other group.  Even though, I cannot hang with them beyond the surface in terms of certain things like Star Trek, Lord of the Rings, Quantum Physics, Dr. Who, and D&D.

When that adolescence period hit and I was developing interests in girls, I, like most people, pursued what I thought was perfection.  In college, I was so livid over a certain guy because he consistently and successfully “scored” with women while he had a girlfriend “back home.”  I was friends with his "girls" and a few would confide in me that this guy would constantly lead them on, and they would comply, thinking that he would dump his girlfriend and eventually commit to them.   Meanwhile, I seethed that they could be so stupid to continually put themselves in that position, when someone, like me, was right there and would never do that.  Sound familiar?  Of course, it’s a typical situation.   But what was I really upset about, him, because he could get away with such brazenly bad behavior, or myself, because I was unsuccessful at doing the exact same thing?   He would gloat about his exploits and treat me like crap.  But I gave him all the ammo he needed with letting him get to me.  Did it really matter?  These few women were not the only ones in the world.   There were other possibilities out there.

I am also sure that I probably ignored obvious potential relationships because I was blinded by society’s definitions of beauty or status.  But, we live in such a paradoxical society.   On one hand, we are told that we are special and that we shouldn’t limit ourselves in terms of what we desire to have.  We work hard for it and it will be ours.  Yet, we’re also told that our expectations are too lofty.  In dating circles this would be akin to trying to date out of your league.    We’re told we’re special, but nerds shouldn’t try to date the prom queen.  This limitation on what level of social being we can or cannot date is just as bad as the expectations we create about what we deserve.  Again, chicken and egg.  Are “nerds” coming up with these “nice guy” mentalities because they are told they can’t do something, or are the limitations being put in place because too many “nerds” are thinking they should be rewarded for nothing?

Who is to say?  If you try to argue the point that nerds should be well within their right to seek out dates with people out of their league, you piss off a lot of people.    And when you may be the one exception to the rule of “nerds”, it doesn’t matter.  You’re branded and you must move on and deal with the imagined reality that has been put in place.  If you argue it, you’re “Aggro”.  You can't turn it around.  It is what it is.    You get slapped with labels used by Internet dating sites and observational non-contextual so-called experts.  Again, you let the other person define you when it doesn't matter what they think.  You give them the ammo to put their labels upon you and treat you as such.

Let’s face it.  We are individuals, so we should be treated on a case by case basis.   We are not our labels.  Don’t think that because I am a ”nerd” I believe I deserve some kind of special entitlements.   If I were to want to date someone who is considered “out of my league”, it’s between me and that person, not anyone else.  If we share some special bond or chemistry, that is for us to discover, not society’s social watchdogs.  We are adults.  I will not expect any special treatment because I feel I would be worthwhile for any woman just as she should not expect that I am horrible because I may be not the typical definition of attractive.   Also, it works both ways.   I will not ignore the possibility that matches exist with people who I may not deem as a typical type of attractiveness, but will see that there could be something that is stronger between me and that person.   

Yet, we get this stereotypical, “Oh you just want to date someone unattainable.”    Well, who is to say that someone who would want to date me isn’t doing the same thing?   But yet, someone will give you grief that you are being irrational.  Again, isn’t between me and that person on whether or not we should become a couple?    So, it’s cyclical.  We don’t need to say that nerds shouldn’t date out of their leagues and nerds shouldn’t have to date someone in their league just because of proximity.   Now that we have settled, let’s get back to entitlement.

I don’t care which “spoke” you live on but you are not entitled to anything except what you earn.  Whether it’s money, love, position, sex, or respect, you should only get what you deserve.   Treat someone well and they may treat you accordingly.   If they don’t, so be it.  They aren’t required to reciprocate, but it would be nice if they did.    You cannot demand anyone to give you something that they are not willing to do.  You can only do the best you can do and let things happen.  You can’t make someone fall in love with you just because you are a better person.  You can’t demand payment for services rendered outside of a contractual agreement.  Meaning, if you do A, B, and C, for a woman OR MAN, they should automatically be thankful and repay you with some arbitrary reward.    So, guys, drop the “Nerds are better lovers and we can prove it” attitude and everyone else drop the “The nerds actually believe this stuff” attitudes.   

Somewhere, a long time ago, a few popular movies put forth the idea that it was the nerds time, that it was “game on” in the realm of love and war.    But, we need to break that stereotype just like we need to break our own.  People get what they earn and if someone else gets more, suck it up and deal with it.  No one owes you a thing and your actions, as well as your intentions, speak to your character.   People will screw you over no matter what.   Just don’t let it define you.    If you like someone put it out there.   If they aren’t interested, deal with it and move on.  It doesn’t matter if you know or believe that you are destined to be together.  You can’t make someone love you just by wearing them down.  You can only be who you are and those who are looking for those traits will meet you in the middle.   Don’t let movies define what you think you should get and don’t let movies define who people think you are.

 

Tomorrow Is Not Promised

So, I did something that I probably shouldn't have done.  It wasn't my place to do it and it certainly wasn't something I needed to do.  But I did it, anyway.   Why?   Well, that's a little complicated.

Four years ago, after essentially beating stage four renal cell cancer, a brain tumor, and ovarian cancer, someone I cared about died unexpectedly from a brain hemorrhage.  Another friend is continually battling cancer and is too weak to even appreciate life right now.  Another friend just buried her husband after succumbing to illness.  And right now, my own cat, my bud, Oscar, is suffering from a tumor in his belly.  Who knows how many good days he'll have left.

I've been struggling for the last year and a half with getting things to a manageable point.  I haven't talked about it in depth, but it's pretty obvious what has been going on and that in itself is another reason why I did what I did.  That chapter is coming to a close and unfortunately, I screwed up the ending to another one in January.

You see, I let someone get away.  Forced them actually.  I saw something that I hadn't seen in my entire life and it burned me inside and out.  It was, what I thought, was the definition of what we all hope to find in this world.  And, like an impatient fool, I couldn't wait until the timing was right.  I wasn't patient enough to make sure I had a path of no resistance to reach them.  Even though I was given clear and present authority to do so, I was... am... still in a place where it isn't the best time to pursue it.  And as the days dragged on and I felt the pressure of knowing what I could have, I pushed harder and in ever more increasing intensity until they hit against me like a tennis ball hits the wheel of a launcher and spun them right out of my life at break neck speed.

After three months of continuing to rebuild my identity, the one I really am inside, getting back out into the mix and basically healing myself, I came to a crossroads.  Did I say all that was needed to say?  Should I even bother.  It's obvious that I was too eager and they were simply not interested.  Or scared.  Or both.  But, as sure as I was about them at the time, I really am not ready to be anywhere other than in my own skin at the time being.  So, which path do I take?  Do I continue down the road of self discovery or do I take the dangerous path of reopening old wounds and making matters worse?

I went both ways.  But even as I have learned to temper my emotions and listen to that voice that tells me, "Maybe that's a bit too much", I also know that I am basically a hopeless romantic about things in this world, so I did what I did. 

I did what I did with really no chance or desire to be recognized, though I gather they probably know who sent the message because of the way it was sent.  

And I did it, even though three months ago I was given a clear and succinct response to whether or not that type of interaction was even wanted. 

And I did it, because no matter how many months or years go by while we may not continue to speak, I still cannot get out of my system that awakening I had with them.

I did it because even if I have to do things anonymously, against better judgment, and without hope of reconciliation,  tomorrow is not promised and I don't want to leave anything unsaid, even if it's just something like "Happy Birthday."

Strictly For The Teenage Boy

OK, so recently I wrote a long, sappy letter to my daughter for when she plans on dating.  And of course, I incurred the wrath of some.  One, who, until recently, I was pretty sure was, by all accounts was one of the most amazing creatures I had ever had the pleasure of getting to know.  Regardless of outcomes, I took the experience and used it to shape me.  That's what we do.  We get close to the fire, we get burnt, we learn how to avoid the danger or at least better prepare ourselves for the danger.

So, here you young man, you are now in your teens and you have got all of these conflicting feelings and thoughts racing through your brain like 3000 open tabs on your desktop. First all, slow down and take deep breaths.  I want you to enjoy this time because this will be the easiest it ever gets.   This is the last time you will ever have a chance to not be completely befuddled and bewildered by whoever it is you are attracted to.  In this case, because it's where I have experience... albeit not much... we are going to focus on women.

After the initial shock sets in and you finally realize they drive you insane, you can start to fully appreciate this gender and all it holds.  I cannot claim that I have any expertise anywhere.  It's obvious I am complete schmuck when it comes to what it is you're supposed to do or how you are supposed to act when it comes to women.  The best I can tell you is, put yourself in there shoes.

I don't mean literally like some Mel Gibson movie.  I mean, consider yourself the other side of this equation.  How do you feel?  How do you want to be treated?  Do you want someone looking at you like you're not as intelligent as them?  Do you want special treatment because you are supposed to be weaker?  Do you want to be feel as if there should be a ladies tee box in life because you just happen to be a woman?   So, why would you treat a woman any different?

If you're going to insist on picking up the check at dinner, regardless of how she feels, then you should pick up the tab for you and your guy friends when you go out?  I mean why not?  They are your equal.  Why would you treat them any different?

Now, I am not saying that you shouldn't be prepared or expected to be that way, because not everyone has this outlook, but just don't discount that the girl in this equation may be a little less willing to be subjected to an outdated practice.

Start to realize that if you want to be taken seriously and seen as someone a girl would want to be with, then you need to be the kind of guy that she would want.  Not the kind of guy you think she needs.  Here's the thing.  Any man can be needed.  So can any woman.  But, if you are unique and treat a person the way they should be treated.  Then you may be the person they WANT.  Now, granted it may not be in the cards.  Sometimes chemistry is harder to figure out than anything else.  Just because you think you've put in the required amount of effort, doesn't mean you are the right man.  It just means you did what was expected.

Stay loose, too.  Don't get too uptight.  I learned this hard way. Luckily, you can take every failure and use it to become better.  And you should.  Don't think for a minute that the next time will be any different if you make the same mistakes.   Make all new ones.   Sooner or later you're going to start doing things right.  It will suck that those you consider to have been worth the extraordinary effort are not looking for that kind of relationship and you can get discouraged fairly easy.  

But above all, don't let stupidity be an influence.  Some friends may tell you that you should treat a woman poorly in order to get her on your side.  Well, that's plain dumb.  First of all, let's say it works.  Then what?  Are you going to continue acting like a douchebag?  Why?  What do you stand to gain?  And even if they are continually in bad relationships, why would you want to be the guy?  Be better.  Be so damn good you can't be ignored.   And if that's the kind of thing they are destined to attracted to, why would you want to be there?  Remember, would you want to be on that side of the equation?    How would you want to be treated?

Learn and apply.  Be better.  Be a real man.  Let your actions be what defines you and remember that it's not just about you.  But be true to yourself or suffer the continual compromise of that which makes you special.  Be extraordinary.  And if that's not what they want, walk away.  You'll never convince them and why would you bother?  If it's a test, don't take it.  If it's some kind of hoop that will prove your intentions.  Make them known and walk away.  Don't be where you're not wanted because all you will do is make matters worse.   It's OK to wanna fight for something you think is worth it, but you can't make fetch happen.   Don't chase.  Walk away.  You're better off. 

Click Click, Boom

You. 

Yes, you. 

I know you’re there. 

Of course you would come back, one last time.  You’re there, just at the foot of the shadows, close enough to see, but not be heard.   You couldn’t resist it.  You had to make sure there was no chance of survival, but I am still here.  And though I cannot see you out there, watching; your presence is felt, but don't feel sorry for me.

You fumed.  You boiled.  You raged against the restraints of your own design, because you thought you knew better.  You warned me and I didn’t listen.  I got in the path and paid the price.  But I survived the blast and you slunk off into the darkness.  But that wasn’t good enough.  You escaped only to come back and deal the final blow.   And as I knelt, gushing from my chest, you took one last swing just to make sure.  But don't feel sorry for me.

You built that cage, but who was it for?  Was it constructed to keep us out; the ones who sought to embrace the raw and awesome power of such a beautiful thing?  Or was it to keep you in, safe from your own monster.   I think that, locked away from your own existence after countless years of struggling to keep that beast in check, the hinges bent just enough to let something out.  You didn’t intend for it and it was the last thing you wanted, but it was almost inevitable.  It scared you enough to try and reinforce the door, but it was too late to stop it.  But don't feel sorry for me.

It’s much easier to keep something you think is so terrible locked away because you don’t have to witness the destruction and you don’t have to pick up the pieces when it goes ballistic and destroys everything in its path.   As long as it is under wraps nothing will go wrong.   We go about our business, blind to the power that bubbles just below the surface, because you know that time after time, there has been nothing but disaster left in its wake when it gets out.  It’s a wonder why it was ever created in the first place?

But what you don’t understand is that it didn’t have to be that way.   For every single ounce of rage, kept in that prison, there were twice as many in beauty and warmth.   And some may not know what it means to be in its presence.  It scares them.  But, I’ve seen it.  I felt it.  I know it was real, not just rumors told to me.  I hadn’t seen anything like it in so long that I went right towards it like a mosquito on the back porch heads towards a zapper.   And we all know how that ends for the bug.  But I didn’t care, because I thought I could control it.  I wanted to embrace it and see if I could harness it, because the same destructive force struggling to stay in your cage was slowly creeping out of mine.   

But you warned me.  Our mutually assured destruction was inevitable and I didn’t want to listen.  But you know what good lays inside those four walls and you can wield it like a master samurai.  I've seen it in practice. You choose not to.  Perhaps you’re scared to.  Perhaps you think that this will be the one time it turns on you and consumes you completely.   So, instead of it getting free, you chose the rage.  You chose to destroy, because it’s easier to just engulf those around you, leaving no traces, no chance for rebuttal.  But don't feel sorry for me.

I am destroyed.  I am here with a broken body, because I was wrong.   But while you will find some other prison to wall yourself up in, comfortable in the knowing that it’s safely away from those that wish to be in awe of what is truly there, behind the beast, I embrace mine.  I know its power and I know it’s meant to be free to influence and shape those around it.  It’s not a curse to have, it’s a gift.   It won’t be easy.  There will be times that I may not be able to control it and perhaps there will be the same destruction you left.  But you know as well as I do that there was a chance you were wrong;  that mutually assured destruction was not the outcome.  I showed you that.  In your life, you’ve seen how much others have taken advantage of that power and so maybe you think that it’s better to not ever go there, again.  Maybe someone out there has a better cage for it.   Maybe they’re better equipped.   Maybe they will just ignore it and you can go on about your business, silent and content in knowing that the monster is locked away from someone who could never fully appreciate it, but just wishes to keep it at bay.   

It’s the easy way out.  It’s lazy and you are so much stronger than that if only you’d look it right in its eyes.   There was another force willing to share in that burden.  It was there to temper yours, but you were too scared, or too far gone, and for that I feel sorry for you. 

A Letter To My Daughter For When She's Old Enough To Date

I am writing this in protest because you will never be allowed to date.  But I know you will, so I better at least acknowledge it.

When I was younger and thought about the eventuality of having kids, I always wanted a son.  I know that's a really bad outlook.  It's just that I didn't understand girls.  I still don't.  I just figured it would be easier, ya know.

And even while you were still unborn and camera shy at the sonograms, I thought, "Maybe it will be a boy.  You never know."  I'd drive around in the car and have these philosophical discussions, with an empty backseat where you'd one day be, dispensing all my worldly knowledge about whatever it is I'm supposed to know at my age.  Guess what?  It isn't much.  When I say "I don't know" to you, I really don't know the answers.

But, when you were actually born and I held you, knowing full well you were a girl, I died that day.  I died and in the ashes was a rebirth of a man.  And this man was a father of a beautiful baby girl and he was never more in love with any creature on this Earth than you.  My heart hurt so much with love that I couldn't breathe.  And I was scared, too.  What the hell was I going to do with a girl, turn her over and say, "Yep, she's yours... figure out, other woman"?  Was I going to lock you up from the world and hope that a boy wouldn't dare take one step onto our lawn?

No, I couldn't do any of that because I wasn't always going to be able to.   My biggest problem in life is that I've tried to just solve the issues in our lives and not actually let someone figure them out themselves.   Instead of giving a general idea of what needs to be done, it was just easier for me to say, "Just give it here."  I can't be the answer for everything, so you need to know how to take care of yourself.  That's why I am so damn hard on you all the time.  That's why I constantly say take a hands off approach and try to let you figure certain things out.  Turns out, it works to a fault.  You're smarter than me and can do more than I ever could at your age and it gets you into trouble when you shouldn't attempt certain things.

So, in about a decade, you're going to attempt something else that I can't control or figure out.  Dating.

It's something I never could do right, then, and I still can't, now.  It's probably why I didn't do it that often, when I was a teen, and pretty much gave up on trying to figure it out when I got out of college.

In that way, I can't give you advice on how to date or how to find love.  That's something else you'll have to figure out on your own, and with any luck, you'll be better at than I was.  I pretty much know you will be, so no worries.

But, what I will say to you is something someone once told me about this kind of thing.

Be in something extraordinary.  Don't settle.  If they're not the best person for you, then you shouldn't be with them.  But remember this, too.  Guys don't know anything more than you do.  So, you have to be careful, but you also have to be better.

Now, I've made it as a personal mission to make sure you don't grow up just being a girl.  If you choose the tea parties and princesses route, I won't love you any less.  But, I know you, and you're rough and tumble just as much as you are tiaras and tutus.  I've hated how gender biased toys are in this world and you can be a scientist or a beauty queen with equal chance for success.  But what you need to realize is that with boys, we are pretty much stupid.  We need things spelled out for us but don't think we don't like you because we don't say it.  Sometimes we're just afraid you'll laugh at us.  So, give us a chance to show you before you break our hearts.

Also, don't let a boy hold the door for you, if he wouldn't do it for anyone else who isn't a girl.  Don't let him pick up the check if it means that much to pay your own way.  But talk about it.  Let him know why you would rather him not, if you so choose.  Then, let him pay anyway, just so he knows it's not an invitation for anything else.  You're not obligated to do anything.  You are far too independent to be coddled and even though chivalry is a nice concept, you are certainly no one's damsel in distress.

Definitely don't let a guy treat you badly and don't ever accept that you deserve it.  Just as you should never treat a guy that way.  As I have tried to raise you to be just as equal in strength and character as a boy, they are just as sensitive and vulnerable as girls.  But there are some men AND WOMEN out there that feel that people should be treated a certain way for whatever reason and it's not right.  You will never happiness at the receiving end of a harsh word or fist.  Also realize that it works both ways, too.

Be clear with a boy, because chances are more of them are going to fall madly in love with you than you will with them.  If you're not into them, let them know up front.  Be decent enough to explain that you don't feel that way.  Believe me, it will be a lot easier on the both of you let him down easy and early.   If not, he might shower you with praise and affection until you want to crawl out of your skin and he won't understand why it's not working.  Worse yet, he might overstep boundaries because he felt you were a tease.  I just don't have the money to bail you out of jail when you kick his ass for stepping over the line.

If you like a boy, and there's a chance he likes you, tell him.  Don't play games.  Don't make him pass tests and try to figure out his intentions.  The worst thing that ever happened by telling someone how you feel was for them to not return the sentiment.  No harm. No foul.  It's embarrassing and will probably hurt for a bit, but being honest is better and you might find it works a lot more.

Oh, boy... when it comes to um... being intimate....OK, man, pull it together, respect yourself.  I cannot stop you from having physical needs and I just hope you are safe and healthy about it.  Don't ever, EVER, think that you will make someone love you more because you give into them physically.  If you are not ready, then you are not ready.  And, don't pressure them because you think that they need to show you how they feel by being intimate.   And this will probably get me in trouble because, well, I'm a guy and it's still different, but you can say no at any time and it's not wrong to do so.  Any man worth your time will immediately understand and comply.

However, understand that even though you have every right to say no, that word may fall on deaf ears.  It's not you, it's them.  You should never be ashamed for being who you are, but sometimes, people are assholes and usually, it's someone you trust.  Don't ever forget that no matter how strong you are, there is always someone stronger.  I will never blame you for something happening, but you cannot expect everyone to be the best possible person in every scenario.  That being said, I will go Liam Nesson on their ass.  Just understand that you have a power that isn't fully quite understandable by you or others who are interested in you.

And eventually, you will probably find yourself with someone you love enough to want to marry.  For all that is decent and holy, let's not have a huge wedding.  I mean if you really want one I will do whatever I can to give it to you but realize that your wedding day is never for you.  It's always for other people.  It's for a DJ or band to be heard.  It's for a photographer to add to their portfolio.  It's for a caterer to drum up business.  It's for family and friends to share in your day or get free food and drink at the cost of a crock pot.   If you want a day for you, do whatever it is that makes you happy.  And that means finding someone who makes you happy, too.

Find someone who you will never get tired of in life.  Find someone who surprises you every day with something new and unexpected.  Find someone who will fight with you as much as for you.  Find someone who isn't afraid to cry because you hurt them or astound them.  Find someone who makes your heart break just like you broke mine on that very first day.  Find someone who pushes you to be better and will be better because of you.  Find someone you can talk to about anything.  Find someone that doesn't just like everything you like but likes their own things and appreciates that you like yours.  And be the same way.  You don't have to adopt every little thing they love, just love them for loving it.

And for all the love in the world, find someone you love as they are, not as you want them to be.  Don't try and change someone.  Don't try and save someone.   Find the man you want, not the man you need.  Because, quite frankly, you don't need a man.  You need a partner.  You need a teammate.  You need an anchor.  You want a love.  You want a family.  You want someone to complete you.   You want to find someone that even when they are at their worst, they are still better than everyone else.  You want someone that even when the world falls apart, they will be right there with you and you'll both save each other.  You want someone extraordinary.  You want someone better than me.  You need that, too.  But, no matter who you pick, they are the lucky one.  Because you picked me once and I am the luckiest man on Earth and I will always love you no matter who you love: man, woman, or whatever.

Just do it all after I'm dead.  OK?  Because the day you come home and tell me you're in love, it will probably kill me. 

I love you sweetie.

 

If Chivarly Isn't Dead It Should Be

I am going to preface this entire post with the disclaimer that I haven’t been on a first date since Clinton was in office.

And I mean Bill, not Hillary as Secretary of State.

Really.

OK.

So, I’ve seen a lot of stuff about dating and how guys are all like, “I bought dinner.  You should like me.  I spent all this money and you’re blowing me off and just calling me a friend.”  And women are like, “You guys just don’t get it.  Men suck.  They are horrible.”

It doesn’t help when you see things like The Nice Guys of OK Cupid or, God forbid, The Juggalos of OK Cupid.  Not to mention, Buzzfeed sounds like a bitter version of Liz Lemon who hates men.

Back when I was still in the dating scene, we didn’t have Facebook.  We didn’t have texting.  Hell, I didn’t have a cell phone.  If you wanted to get a hold of me you either called my house phone (like what the hell is that?)  or you got a hold of me through email.  (which Hotmail isn’t even around anymore.)   I met people at work or in bars or at other places and a connection was made.   You would set a time and a place and go out.  After that, there were phone calls and conversations and generally, the getting to know someone process was done through organic means.  You asked someone about themselves.  You didn’t follow them on Twitter, check out their Pinterest page, or stalk them on Facebook.

I can’t imagine what it’s like to be back in this environment after so much has happened.  Hell, today, paying for dinner could be a huge foul.  Why?   Read this and tell me what is wrong…

I know I’ve been out of it for almost 15 years, but this guy doesn’t understand one thing about women in the 21^st century. 

“I think I’m the only single guy I know that actually takes a girl out to a restaurant on a first date. There’s a reason for this.  If you take a girl out and show her you’re more than some douche looking to just get in her pants, odds are, you’re going to get a second date, at least. Call me old fashioned, but a nice dinner is worth the money to get to know someone to some extent.

For me, it’s not about the money, and I get why people are stingy when it comes to going out with people they don’t know. Look, I get it.  Sh*t costs money. But really, what’s the difference? Treat yourself to a good meal, and if the company is good, why the hell wouldn’t you take a girl out to a nice dinner?”

Seriously?  This guy would be lucky to get a second date.  OK, let me rephrase that.  This guy would be lucky to get a second date with a woman not found in 1982.  He sounds like a “nice” guy but he automatically thinks that the requirement for a second date or a relationship is just doing the bare minimum?  “If I do A. B. and C.  Then I’m in.  There’s no reason why she would say no.”

What he doesn't take into account is that, today, women aren't necessarily looking for that type of guy. They may want someone to be an equal in some facets and take charge in others.   He’s assuming that because he was raised a certain way that it’s the perfect formula for happiness and romance.   I was raised that way and let me tell you, it's not the same anymore.  You need to evolve and start thinking about their feelings.

He says chivalry is dead.  Well, good.  Because the system hasn’t evolved past the 70s.  Chivalry, as his ancestors knew it, is not an applicable model for how you should treat women.  It’s an antiquated set of guidelines that does not take into account anything that might matter to a woman.  It's simply a "I know what women want because I'm being nice and courteous and holding doors and paying for dinner."   Well, duh?  You should do that just as a courtesy, not as a requirement.  That's like getting points on the SAT for writing your name on the right line.

Chivalry being dead isn't a bad thing as long as good manners, respect, and decency are still in play. You don't have to take a girl to a fancy dinner on the first date to be a gentleman. You can both meet for drinks or go to an event. You can still get a second or a third if you treat them well and it's what they would like.  How about ask them if they wanted a second date?  Don’t assume that because you did nothing to offend or disrespect them that they should immediately call home to tell Mom and Dad they met the man of their dreams.  Here’s a little tip.  Maybe they just don’t like you enough.  Maybe you're a good guy but not what they're looking for.  Where this guy probably sees physical flaws in a woman that would negate the idea of a second date, she's probably looking way deeper than just how you look.

And paying for a meal.   Good luck with that.   You need to adapt just as much as women do to men in the present.   I’ll get to that in a minute or two.   Paying for a meal could kill you in an instant. 

Why?

It conjures a stigma of weakness or inequality.   There are women today that are perfectly fine and normal (By whatever standard you may have in your narrow minded brain) and by you getting out that wallet, you suddenly just put them right into the corner like Baby in Dirty Dancing.  Did they get a vote?  Were they consulted?  Did they automatically give up their right to be independent?   Ask them, maybe? Some see it as an obligation to be appreciative.  A good guy will pay for dinner, a real man will know if it's what she wants him to do and act accordingly.

Admittedly, these things should be agreed upon ahead of time and while you should expect to do so, as a courtesy, don't feel as if they should be beholden to you when it comes to an archaic institution that can, in some eyes, demean them as a person.

They'll let you know. Be perceptive and respectful. The rest will come if it is meant to, not because you shelled out cash for a dinner.

Start out small.  A “date” can mean many things, but it shouldn’t have an expectation put upon it other than two people making a plan to do something together with an understanding that for whatever time you are together, your attention is on being with each other and not your friends or your phone.   That may be too specific or it may not be specific enough, I don't know.   That’s part of the process of communication.  Find out what those expectations are from each other and be respectful in those regards.  

Now…  ladies.  This is where we need to have a little chat.  This is what singles dating has become.  You're phone is not an acceptable secretary.  Lay down some structure. 

Like I said, I have been out of this area for a long time but there are some things that should never be forgotten. 

You need to be a little more specific about what you want.  We are not mind readers.   It would be rather dismissive to say that women have drastically changed over the last one hundred years.  It would also be callous and completely wrong.  Women haven’t changed.   Women are the same as they always were.   They’ve just never really been taken seriously enough to be what they are.  They still aren’t.   They have had a black cloud hanging over them from the dawn of time when it comes to equality and perception.    But here’s the thing.   Men haven’t changed either.    And while there are men that are inherently stupid and thick, there are just as many women who are clueless and vapid.  If you are dating these types of people, don't complain about them to the ones who aren't.  If you have no self respect or standards, you have no right to bitch to those that do.  It's like not voting and then complaining about who won the election.

Look, I get it.  Guys are not perfect.  We will never be perfect.   But, you cannot make us perfect either.   However, guys… I’m sorry…  men… are not all alike.   Another thing that makes me cringe at the thought of actually being back in the dating scene is that there is a ton of crap I would have to fight through to be taken seriously.   It always seems like the sins of the former are passed onto the next.   Meaning, whatever women think about guys, it’s always going to be thought about you.  I understand, at my age, most men, who are dating, are probably divorced or have been in a relationship that somehow ended.    If they aren’t, you might wonder what’s wrong with them?   Let’s face it.   It goes both ways, but in different fashion.   A single guy at 40 must either be a cad, who can’t commit, or still lives with his mother, watches cartoons, and is not someone you want to be with anyway.  And, by that token, a single woman at 40 is either a man hater or can’t keep a guy, which means she’s a train wreck.

Yet, the reality is that it’s probably easier to understand a woman still single at 40 and perfectly fine, but a guy… yeah, there’s something wrong there.  He’s probably a serial killer or is going through a midlife crisis and only looking to date someone half his age who thinks The Notebook is the best movie ever.

Another thing to realize is that a guy who just got out of a long term relationship, especially marriage, doesn’t automatically need to be in another one.  Guys can function on their own, just like women can.   They can cook.  They can clean.  They can probably raise kids, too.  If they want to date you, it's probably because they like you, not because they can't be alone.  

Whatever reason their past relationship didn’t work out…  it’s not like the guy you just broke up with last month.    Also all men are not small minded.  They are capable of taking things slow or whatever speed is fine.  They are willing to learn new things and become more well rounded individuals.    But you have to realize that you cannot inherently change what a man is.  If he has faults or issues, they are not going to go away, just because you are there.   You cannot force him, threaten him, or change him.  You can accept him or you can walk away.  But don’t just settle and think he’s the best thing that will ever happen to you or he will never understand what is wrong and you will resent him and yourself.

Men are smart.  Smarter than you give them credit for.  The ones that are idiots are just part of life… much like the twenty-something bar hopping Instagramming girl who thinks Jersey Shore and Ugg boots are the coolest thing out there.    

Remember.  Most guys don’t want Courtney Stodden or Kate Upton.   They want someone who looks real, acts real, feels real, and can hold their own in a conversation.  The ones (men) who are really worth it want someone who is honest and smart and not afraid to openly tell them exactly what they want in a relationship.  Most guys really want the Velmas, Bailey Quarters, and Mary Anns of the world and there's probably nothing wrong with you, so get over your hang ups and accept that they can like you and won't screw you over because the last three guys did.  And if the guys you date only seem to want some plastic, size zero, receptacle who is only good for a late night call… it’s not the guy's fault… it’s your own for putting up with that.  Live up to your own hype, ladies.  You want to be taken seriously, don't put up with asshats who treat you like crap.   And don't meet guys online, especially ones who say they are separated or going to get divorced.  First of all, they're probably lying about a lot of things and, chances are, they are just looking for sex and have no intention of getting divorced.  Most guys don't go to online dating sites to find a relationship.  They go there to find a discreet hook up because they're unhappy in their marriage.

And guys… don’t be such douche nozzles.   Stop thinking that women owe you anything in return for a meal at TGIFridays.   You’ll get a second date if you actually listen to them instead of assuming you know exactly what they want, because your Nana taught you how to treat a lady. Your nana probably wasn't allowed to have a job in her day.   

And stop making it easier for them to date assholes.  But don’t kiss their ass and don’t be desperate.  Just be open and honest.  The ones that are worth it will be there.  Don’t be a "nice guy".  Be a man who is nice and respectable.  Someone who treats a woman how she wants to be treated.  How she deserves to be treated, based on her own specifications   Don’t be afraid to talk.  Don’t play games.  Don't be chivalrous.  Be advanced.  Be evolved.

Now,  if you'll excuse me, I'm going back to my little bubble.