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Wednesday, October 31, 2012

I've Got a Bad Feeling About This

With the news that The Disney Corporation has bought Lucasfilm, there is already talk about a sequel to Return of the Jedi and other shake ups in the a galaxy far, far away.  I just happened to have acquired a copy of the new script,  along with the re-re-release scripts of all six movies, which were smuggled out of the Magic Kingdom inside of an Astromech droid.  Here's some of the details of the new movies and the edits to the old ones due in theaters next year.
  • New Death Star being constructed, looks surprisingly like Spaceship Earth.
  • Entire Endor battle scene takes place between ants and grasshoppers.
  • John Carter gets re-release date of 2014 with new effects, same script.
  • Mace Windu rides ice chutes into Clone Wars.
  • R2-D2 appears in new movie... looks a little like Wall-E
  • Chewbacca now blue and sounds like John Goodman.
  • Every time Luke whines, his nose grows.
  • Episode III ending involves Ben holding baby Luke over a cliff while rebels bow.
  • Jabba the Hut reimagined as sea creature.
  • New musical numbers in the cantina...sung by the drink and silverware.
  • Padme disguises herself as young Asian man instead of handmaiden.
  • "I've got a bad feeling about this" line now "To Infinity and Beyond."
  • John Ratzenberger still in Empire Strikes Back, but plays different characters in other five movies.
  • Millennium Falcon speaks, sounds like Larry the Cable Guy.
  • 101 Dewbacks rushed into production.
  • At the end of Jedi, ghost of Simba appears alongside Yoda, Ben, and Anakin.
  • Leia officially named new Disney Princess, shocks everyone with slave outfit.
  • Boba Fett doesn't fly anymore, but he falls with style.
  • Randy Newman hired to do the soundtrack for new movies.
  • Opening crawl begins with, "A long time ago, in the office of P. Sherman, 42 Wallaby Way, Sydney."
  • I won't mention what happens to Lando... but it involves Br'er Lobot.
  • New Star Wars Holiday Special DVD delivered in time for Christmas... returns to the vault, Jan. 1st.
  • Leia leaves Han and moves in with the Seven Ewoks.
  • Jar Jar out...   Roger Rabbit in.
  • Yoda now voiced by Robin Williams
  • Han Solo now wears eyeliner and drinks rum.
  • Darth Vader's mask... something's different. 

Courtesy of Etsy

This move angers me more than I can tell.  First off, Lucas was a pioneer.  When the technology didn't exist to produce the effects or sound that he needed to realize his vision, he invented it.   He was so against corporate intrusion that he primarily financed his movies with his own money, just to maintain control and buck the Studio System.

Now, that level of control proved to be a bit of a downfall as the original trilogy was redone, enhanced, edited, and re-released.  The most heinous of changes were Greedo shooting first, the inclusion of Hayden Christiansen in place of Sebastain Shaw at the end of ROTJ, and the replacement of Jason Wingreen's voice with Temuera Morrison in TESB.

Regardless of Lucas' constant tinkering, Star Wars represented so much more in the way of innovation and advancement in film making while Disney was seen as being very slow to adopt new technologies, allowing Pixar to become the juggernaut that it was in animated films.  Disney floundered until they eventually bought Pixar around 2006.

Some of the fan chatter I've noticed in the last 24 hours has been positive.  The supposed Episode VII talk seems a bit joking, but think about it.  Lucas says he has no plans for three more movies.  Those stories are done.  But with Disney in charge, suddenly there is talk?   I don't like it.  Disney sequels are notoriously done to make money and not actually deliver a quality product.  I smell a string of straight to DVD titles with little effort.  Now, Toy Story 3 seems to be the exception but Cars 2 reeked of Disney corporate machine churning out a sequel to bank off the original.  Remember the debacle with Aladdin 2?

I've got a bad feeling about this?
This list will be re-released next year with added scenes and better grammar.

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