The King is a Thing of Nothing: The Shaming of James

So, the big question is…

“Are you glad LeBron lost?”

Or

“Are you glad the Mavs won?”

Me, personally? I don’t really care about NBA Basketball. I don’t really care about basketball, in general. I used to play, back in my grade school days at the YMCA and I sucked, just like I did in every sport except for six person gym class volleyball or Scooter Soccer.

However, I love the karma boomerang. I remember thinking LeBron was a d-bag when he entered into the NBA. He signed a contract before he even went onto the court before the public as a player. He always appeared to be entitled and that kind of smug is best left on the bottom of my shoe.

Maybe it was because he was born in raised in Ohio (Pittsburgh humor there). He rooted for the Yankees while at Indians’ games. He’s a Dallas Cowboys’ fan (More d-baggery there from a Pittsburgh person’s point of view).

Then there was the confiscating of the tape of him getting dunked on by an Xavier Guard in 2009.

Here's a circulated copy

Lastly, he made even more of a d-bag of himself by being the center of attention in The Decision. Although, shame on ESPN for hyping and being a part of this. What person, especially a professional athlete, needs to have a press conference, let alone an entire hour of television to say he’s wiping his ass of Cleveland and heading to Miami? This was what tipped the scales in his favor as a finalist in my 2010 D-Bag Awards.

However, that’s all in the past. King James has been shamed by the Mavs and Pittsburgh by way of Mark Cuban. This wasn’t the first time the Heat came up against the Mavs in the finals, although, in 2006 the Heat beat the Mavs. Now, with LeBron James, the victory was that much sweeter as Cuban was once fined for making comments about James before he signed with Miami.


I’m not going to sugarcoat Cuban’s character. He is brash and outspoken. He gets fined a lot by the NBA for being too opinionated and mouthy on the court. While most owners watch the games from a luxury skybox, Cuban prefers watching from the court, among the fans. He’s come out onto the court to yell at officials. Doesn’t he know that only Jack Nicholson can do that?

Yet, he’s not the typical businessman and that’s why I like him. He made his own way and for every fine he’s received he’s made a matching donation to a charity. He once told the NBA’s director of officiating that he couldn’t manage a Dairy Queen which upset a manager at a Dairy Queen. Cuban responded by serving treats to customers, some waiting for over two hours. He also tipped $20,000 for a bottle of champagne after the Mavs defeated Miami. Granted, the champagne was worth $90,000 and while it may seem magnanimous for him to tip so much, it was barely more than 20%. I tip 20% for competent service in a restaurant. Though, I don’t spend $90,000 for food. He is also picking up the tab for the parade in Dallas. This may be the only time I have ever actually rooted for Dallas in anything. Actually, I was kind of rooting for them in the World Series, but that’s because Barry Bonds was a Giant… though, three years prior to the series. I still have night terrors of Sid Bream. >:(

He’s definitely not what professional sports’ administration would want in an owner. He wants to buy a baseball club which would probably cause Bud Selig to stroke out. After all, if he is this outspoken as an NBA team owner, could you imagine him owning a baseball team and calling out league management? That would be awesome. Personally, I’d like to see him buy the Pirates.


However, the real story of the NBA Championship hasn’t been Mark Cuban and Dirk Nowitzki beating Miami. It’s been about LeBron choking and Miami losing. Ten years from now, if you ask who beat Miami in the 2011 Championship Series, you may be searching for the name of the team but you’ll definitely remember that King James was dethroned and shamed on the national stage.

2010 D-Bag Awards Finals

In the beginning there were 32 nominated contestants, including our reigning champ, Death. Now we are down to eight. This is the final round and each is worthy of the award, but only one walks out of here with the title of biggest d-bag of 2010.

For your consideration, I present each nominee one more time.

In the Athletic Round we had LeBron James. He announced to the world, only minutes after letting his former employers know, that he would leave Cleveland and go to Miami. He promised to do what he could to bring a championship to Cleveland, but in the end he was only interested in bringing one to himself and he would go where he needed to in order to do it. I can’t blame him for wanting to leave Cleveland, but he shouldn’t have done it in the fashion that he did, creating a media spectacle.

LeBron LeBroke My Heart by B Rike Tees

In the Celebrity Round, Mel Gibson touretted his way to infamy after already being on the fence with his previous foot in mouth disease. Allegedly he assaulted the mother of his child. He spouted off more obscenities and vitriol then a Mamet character and still he managed to get support from his former costars. One can only hope that 2011 serves as a chance for him to come back to reality and get on some proper meds.

You Make Me Want To Smoke
by Mongo Angry! Mongo Smash!

For the Reality Round, Jesse James spat on his marriage and every hanger on that ever attached themselves to the celebrity that is Sandra Bullock. And he managed to do it while she stood on stage professing her love and owing her newfound resurgence to you. At least you could have had the decency to let her know ahead of time. Or better yet, not been such a douchebag to start.

 

Blindsided?

Politicians stole the Political Round from the Tea Party Movement in the political round by failing to do anything but posture and play king of the hill. Instead of actually making a change to the country, they simply made a change to the roster. Well, guess what? We became disillusioned the last time around under the eight years rule. Granted, we only gave it two years but we’ve become fickle and impatient. I guess we wanted to believe in change, but didn’t want to believe in a slow process. You didn’t help the cause, you impeded it to get into power. Maybe neither side is the answer. In any case, you were all winners, right or left.

Politicians make for strange bedfellows

In the Media Round, Dr. Laura went gangsta over the airwaves and claimed first amendment blah blah as a defense. Put it this way, when Sarah Palin comes to your defense it might not be a good thing. Ask a majority of the candidates she backed during election season.

Oh yes, I did!

Roger Goodell says one thing and does another. He wants safety but more money for the league in the form of regular season games. He wants to punish certain players but turn a blind eye to others. He wants obscure transparency over the rules of play yet can’t take a standardized position on how players should act off the field. The emperor has no clothes but he clinched a playoff birth from the In Charge Round.

Official Flag of Pittsburgh by Mongo Angry! Mongo Smash!

BP contributed to one of the worst ecological disasters since Joe Hazelwood slept off a bender and the third mate ran aground in Alaska. But to lay blame for the disaster solely at the feet of BP is a bit much. There were multiple factors that involve multiple parties. How the whole crisis was handled has more to do with BPs nomination and win of their round.

beyond pwned by Mongo Angry! Mongo Smash!

Lastly, I present our reigning champ, Death

I'm Death, bitch!

Death had another banner year in 2010. And, he’s already kicking off 2011 with the death of Pete Postlethwaite, a totally underrated actor, in my opinion. Looking back, pop culture lost Leslie Nielsen, Barbara Billingsley, Peter Graves, Teena Marie, Blake Edwards, Dino de Laurentis, 11 year old Shannon Tavarez, Greg Giraldo, Billie Mae Richards (voice of Rudolph from the Rankin Bass specials), Rue McClanahan, Gary Coleman, Corey Haim, Caroline McWillams, Teddy Pendergrass, Tom Bosley, James MacArthur, (Original Five-0’s Danno), James Wall, Tony Curtis, Gloria Stuart, Eddie Fisher, Dennis Hopper, Dixie Carter, Lynn Redgrave, John Forsythe, Merlin Olsen, Andrew Koenig, Phil Harris, Francis Reid, J.D. Salinger, Zelda Rubenstein, James Mitchell, and Jean Simmons, to name more than a few.

On the home front Death took the life of my mother in law, a 12 year survivor of renal cell cancer. The cancer never got her. She died of a brain hemorrhage, due to a blood thinner she was on at the time. Also, my wife’s childhood pet, Woody, a 24 year old black and white one fanged cat finally had to be put down. Both of these deaths affected me more than any celebrity or childhood hero I may have had. So, Death was busy and is in good company with a bunch of other D-bags.



That all being said, I can clearly pick a winner of the 2010 D-Bag Awards.



BP
Death had it locked up but I had to think about it. Death may have claimed the lives of millions this past year, including mine explosions, earthquakes in Haiti, personal losses and losses to my childhood, but Death is doing his job and while I won’t strip him of the title, I cannot clearly give it to him this year. BP was the bigger douchebag. Tony Hayward made the biggest of all d-bag statements when he said, “I want my life back.” The entire handling of the disaster was a ridiculous exercise right out of the playbook of FEMA circa 2005. And while life may be getting back to whatever semblance of normalcy it may have had on the Gulf Coast, the full effects of what happened and how it happened and how it was handled may still be years out on the horizon. Even the name of the rig, Deepwater Horizon, is a sort of morbid foreshadowing of what the future of the Gulf Coast may have in store for us. This was a disaster that even Death was going, “Whoa, you guys are real douchebags!” So, your winner for 2010, by an oil slick is BP. Kudos, douchebags. Good luck in 2011.

2010 D-Bag Awards Round One: Jock D-Bags

First up are the playmakers and d-baggers of the sports world. We’ve got infidelity, drunken antics, pictures of winkies being texted, team changers, and a power tripping commissioner.


Tiger Woods
His biggest act of dickery came in 2009. He had cheated on his wife, Elin Nordgren and completely destroyed his persona of this elite golfer with a genial appeal. 2010 kicked off with the discovery of many different women Tiger had given the long ball to. Making matters worse, Tiger had a subpar year in golf, missing the cut at the Masters and various low placing spots in the other Majors events. There was also the creepy, egotistical ad campaign from Nike involving a video which featured narration by his Dad, the late Earl Woods. Did he learn anything? Probably not. It will be some time before Tiger returns to form. Of course, if he were to retire tomorrow, he’d still be able to live lavishly.

 

Tiger Woods Commercial Narrated By His Late Father

Ben Roethlisberger
Ben can look back at 2009, from a professional standpoint and be proud. His personal stats were phenomenal, breaking franchise records left and right. Even though the Steelers failed to make the playoffs, Ben’s performance rating was great, overall. However, off the field his antics in a Georgia bar landed him in the hot seat which kicked off 2010 with an investigation into possible sex assault charges, which were dropped due to lack of evidence, and a four game suspension, which was upheld due to lack of common sense by the NFL and fellow nominee Roger Goodell. But Ben has made good on his suspension, completing whatever steps he needed to earn his way back into the good graces of the league. Even if there are chants of “No means no!” in the event that Ben plays in his third Super Bowl appearance in February, you cannot argue that Ben is a tough as nails player, shrugging off a broken foot, broken nose, a inexperienced and struggling offensive line, and the constant evil eyes he gets from those who feel he was guilty of a crime in order to continually win games for his team. You have to wonder if maybe he’s playing at this level and through the adversity in order to redeem himself in the eyes of his team and his fans. Odds are, if he hoists a Lombardi trophy in Dallas, this coming February, he’s probably going to be given a pass. I won’t say that I, personally, have not forgiven him for his attitude off the field but, I’m just glad he got rid of that stupid haircut. He may still be a lifelong d-bag and only the off season will tell.

Big Ben Story on WTAE

LeBron James
James played in Cleveland for seven years without bringing home a championship. In July, he became a free agent and began being courted by other teams in the NBA. His biggest dick move came from holding a televised special announcing his decision to leave Cleveland for Miami. Now, free agency is what it is. I am not bothered by the fact that LeBron left Cleveland. I am bothered by the fact that he informed his employers just minutes before the LIVE telecast and wasted all of America’s time with such a piece of self-inflated egotistical douchebaggery.

LeBron Interview and Decision

Brett Favre
When it comes time for Brett Favre to be inducted into the Football Hall of Fame, no one will deny his deserving of being there, not even me. However, the fact that he should have retired um, 1000 times already makes him the number one sports douchebag in my book, alone. How many times will he make the world wait to see if he’ll decide to leave the farm and go to camp? How many backup quarterbacks will join teams hoping for a legitimate shot of starting, only to have Brett say, “Hmm, should I retire? Hmmm, naaaaahhh!” Then again, how many times are we going to have to use bleach on our minds to scrub away the image of Little Brett being texted to Jen Sterger? The QB supposedly sent inappropriate texts, including one of his Mini Viking to Sterger in 2008, along with voice mails. He admitted to the voice mails but denied he was the one who sent the texts. Whether he acted on all those bad intentions he had, this much is for sure. The lack of disciplinary action against Favre for these acts just makes Roger Goodell look more and more like the king of all d-bags.

 

Pants on the Ground Foreshadowing?

Derek Jeter
Love them or hate them, the Yankees are an elite ball club. They play to win, even if they have to cheat to do it. Back in September, a pitch bounced off the end of Jeter’s bat and Jeter pretended to be hit. He even had the trainer look at his arm in an effort to sell his injury. Taking his base gave the Yankees a chance to score, helping their race to the playoffs. While Instant Replay isn’t used in baseball in this fashion, repeated viewings of the clip, clearly shows the bat being hit and Jeter admitted as much, later. So, is what he did cheating or just part of the game? Yeah, his job is to get on base and help his team win games, but what does that say to all the impressionable young fans and players he has become a role model to? Win at all costs and don’t get caught. Bud Selig should take a page out of Goodell’s book and start fining players for poor sportsmanship. Then again, the Yankees would probably get preferential treatment like certain Hair Club For Men Members QB’ing up North.

 

Jeter Cheeter

And The Winner – LeBron James
LeBron may not have cheated in basketball, assaulted anyone, sent inappropriate pictures of himself or cheated on his wife, like the others, but his actions involving his decision to leave Cleveland were ridiculous. The town is not the greatest, I get that. But they welcomed you in 2003 and cheered you on, buying merchandise with your number and likeness. In turn, just because you didn’t get that brass ring, you decided that their devotion was second or third rate and jumped ship to a better team. And you did for the publicity. You went on live television and indirectly declared that your decision to go to Miami should more important and newsworthy than a war in Afghanistan, a environmental disaster in the Gulf of Mexico, a natural disaster in Haiti, and any number of issues this country has faced coming out of the recession. Kudos LeBron, you are the biggest D-Bag of this round.





Honorable mention time
I wanted to limit the category to five nominees but had to at least mention Steve Johnson of the Buffalo Bills because he blamed God for him dropping a game winning catch against the Steelers. And to top it all off, he did it over Twitter. Granted, the continual praising and thanking of God for anyone’s abilities to make millions of dollars to play a sport has become so blasé that it demeans a higher power and comes off as inauthentic. However, blasted said higher power and the fact that you did it over a social network like Twitter just makes you look like a complete ass.