Rage, Rage Against The Emptying of the Pot

How many times has this happened to you?

You’re the first one in the office and need coffee badly.    You’ve got a ton of shit to do and need to get those deadlines met.     The eyelids droop.  The attention wanes.  The sound of snoring is coming from your cube.   CRAP!  It’s you.  You’re tired.    Maybe your team decided to lose a heartbreaker of a game in double overtime the night before.   Maybe you spent half the night dealing with a particularly glitchy video editing application.  Maybe you just decided to catch up on half of a season of Game of Thrones so that you can walk into the office without the fear of “Spoilers are Coming!”   I HAVE EIGHT MORE HOURS OF THIS!

So, you shake it off and head to the office kitchen for some much needed caffeine.    Once you get there you notice there is no coffee to be found. 

“That’s right!”  You say, “I was the first one in today.” 

You sigh and resign yourself to making a brand new pot.    The next four minutes are agonizing.  Realizing that a watched pot never brews, you decide to go to the bathroom, drop off that mail that needs to go out, and head back to the kitchen.

Your fresh pot should be there, waiting for you, like a good dog after the war, warm and loyal.   So, you enter the kitchen, passing that one guy you don’t like, carrying a cup of coffee. 

“Damnit!”   That douche bag violated my pristine brew.   

You shrug off the evil thoughts and head for salvation in a cup with equal parts cream and sugar.

EMPTY!

The pot is empty.  That M-F-ING ASSHAT not only took the last cup, he didn’t start a new pot, either. 

So, you do the steps all over again and realize that you are still behind schedule.  So, you go back to your desk and barrel through a few tasks, hoping to get back before the time is up on your re-brew.

You run, not walk, to the kitchen and now there is a crowd forming around the pot you brewed.   The timer goes off and in a Pavlovian response, they pounce on it.    The ratio of people to ounces of coffee is too great.   Once again, you are out of luck.   AND STILL NO ONE STARTS A NEW POT.

You slink back to your desk, another pot on, and there is your boss, standing at your cube, looking at their watch.  “You’ve been in unavailable status for nearly 20 minutes.”

What excuse can you tell them that doesn’t end with you re-enacting that scene from Office Space with the Bobs?  So, you take your licks and barrel through the next hour, just getting shit done.

You head to the kitchen and finally there is a fresh, untouched pot waiting for you. 

Too bad it’s decaf.

And you see, officer, that is why I sideswiped that Starbucks truck on my way home.











This really didn't happen.  This is simply me being creative.

Perks in Occupations

I’m a creature of habit. I do not adopt or embrace change in a timely manner. My least favorite book of all, about business, is Who Moved My Cheese? This should tell you what kind of guy I am. Now, get off my lawn.

Having to go to work every day is a necessity. Having free coffee in the workplace is a luxury. Having K-Cups provided to you along with vending machines with free soda is an awesome luxury. Having all that change on you in an instant is enough to make you want to flip the tables over in the kitchen and go Wild Bunch.

When I started this new job a year ago, I was floored at the prospect of having free soda provided to me. I only drink one can a day, with my lunch, but I’ve already saved like $70 over the last year from not having to buy cases of pop for that purpose.

As far as the coffee is concerned, for about six months I was making three batches, consisting of two k-cups per batch, for a grand total of 36 ounces of coffee per day. I noticed that I needed the coffee to keep going and I didn’t like it. So, I actually embraced a change when I got a cold and switched to a two k-cup, 8 ounce cup when I got to work and then drank two cups of tea consisting of three Lemon Zinger k-cups in a 12 ounce mix. What I didn’t realize was that there was no caffeine in the tea and after awhile, I didn’t miss it and was more alert than ever. See, caffeine is a drug, you can become addicted to it, and it can cause you to need more to compensate over time.

But back to the coffee. My work just made a switch over to regular brew pots of coffee and these things called Perfect Servings which dispense all of the cream and sugar automatically.

Not happy. I need a puppy to kick, like now.

First of all, I know the company we switched over to. We had them in my old job for vending and coffee service. They used to supply the muffins and pastries in the cafeteria at the plant and one day, my late mother-in-law was witness to someone breaking open a muffin to find blood in it. Now, of course, this information never made it to the general employees’ ears. She worked in HR and she kept a lot of things secret that would have made the masses occupy boardrooms. I only found out because my wife once said, “Don’t eat any pastries from XXX”. I won’t say who they are but their company is also a file extension for video files. So, I’m a little bit leery when it comes to hearing that this company is now providing us with coffee and is providing us with pastries as an incentive to make the switch.

I know I should not complain. I have a decent job with a decent company and having the perks I’ve had is something that I never saw in my old job. To see them go is a shame but that’s the cost of doing business. Once the bean counters realize that they’re spending x amount of dollars on you and they can save that money by outsourcing that service, streamlining it, and reducing the offerings, they are nuts not to make those changes. Considering the economy, the fat has to be trimmed. But at the expense of morale?

Look, you come into work every day, sometimes with an enormous chip on your shoulder. You’re not getting a raise or seeing promotions come along. Whatever. The one thing you have to balance the mundane requirements is that little perk. Then, suddenly, it’s gone. And the company that provided those perks have now installed these fancy machines that supposedly do all the work (i.e. cut down on people using a lot of sugar or creamer) for you. You have this routine down where it takes you enough time to roll in, make your coffee, get stuff done, and get to your desk in time to get working. You throw a wrench into that routine and devastates some people.

Not to mention that when you come in on the day of reckoning and members from the service are there to stand over your shoulder while you fumble your way through the process. They get that cheery disposition and the ‘We’re going to make it all better’ attitude that is just lip service. The bottom line is, “You guys have had it good and we’re not going to cut you off completely but there are going to be some cost saving changes.”

No one wants to say that, though. Because of all the stigma surrounding those in power who make the decisions, they’re not going to fire that shot across the bow of the S.S. Underling.

“Mongo, you’re crazy. You’re shorts are too tight in the seat. You’re just displaying that old man curmudgeon mentality that you always show.”

Maybe you’re right. Maybe I am just too resistant to change to see the positive. Maybe I just need coffee. Oh that’s right. I couldn’t find it this morning because they moved everything around and there’s a huge ass line because we all have no idea how to work the new machines.

Grrr.

Mongo's New Addiction

I don’t know if I should classify this as an addiction to an item or an actual brand.

Previously, I had spoken about being addicted to a game called Minecraft.  For the most part, I still play it but find it hard to repeatedly do the same actions over and over again to no end.  The game was fun because it was a giant building sandbox that had some point to it and some monsters to fight.   But, the latest update, 1.8, has been slow to materialize and it’s purported to be an awesome update to a game that is still in Beta testing.

I’ve also spoken about an addiction or a overzealous love of coffee.  I’ve been a caffeine junkie for most of my life.  However, there is a distinct ability to switch off the want for caffeine, and sometimes the need.  I can go all weekend without having an ounce of coffee, but once I’m back to work it’s like crack.

Now, I’ve found my new crack, Sheetz coffee.

Let me back  up.

When I was at my old job, I usually made coffee for coworkers.  I’d come in just before 7 and between myself and another early bird, we would put a bunch of pots on for everyone.   Then, as you emptied a pot, you were supposed to make another one.  I would usually have an 8 oz cup at 7AM, one around 8:30AM and then one in the afternoon, around 2PM.   My weekly consumption was 24 ounces in a day, five days a week and none on the weekend.

Then, I started the new job and I still had to make coffee, but the Keurig K-Cup maker meant I could just do it for myself.    However, the difference was that we did not have standard 8 ounce cups.   We have 16 ounce cups.  So, I’d find myself mixing up a batch of two different flavors at 6 ounces each and adding Splenda and Coffee Mate powdered creamer.  That kept the calories down, at least.    I kept the same schedule  which meant a 12 ounce cup, three times a day.

But I felt as if I was doing myself a disservice in terms of health.  So, I’ve cut back, albeit not in a step down manner, to one 8 ounce cup in the morning and maybe a Diet Coke later on in the day.   Still not an optimal diet, but less intake.

Then, I found the crack, I spoke of a bit ago.   My back tires were in need of being replaced.   They were so bad that I was losing almost 2/3 of the air pressure every day.  I travel 70 miles round trip.  That’s not good.  So, I’d stop into any local Sheetz and fill up my tires, because air is free, for once.  After getting air, one day, I decided to check out the specialized coffees.    I’m used to getting the Cuppuccino there, which isn’t Starbucks but it’s also not Starbucks prices.  However, I went straight for the ordering screens and called up a large Frozen Caramel Mocha with whole milk, white chocolate, regular coffee, whip Cream, and an extra flavor shot for $4.59.

CRACK!  OMG CRACK!  I love it!  I love it!   OW, I JUST FROZE THE LEFT HALF OF MY BRAIN.  I CAN'T MOVE MY RIGHT ARM.

I must stress that it will induce brain freeze, I don’t know why.  Most other frozen drinks do not cause me brain freeze.   This does every time.

I could have gotten away from since I had the tires replaced.  However, I got a Sheetz card which gets me $0.03 off a gallon at the pump and also gets me free drinks and food, granted I buy enough of them.   It's like giving a crack addict access to buying crack on eBay and a fully loaded PayPal account. 

This is, of course, an attempt to compete with Giant Eagle’s GetGo. There, you can get $0.10 off per gallon for every $50 you spend on groceries.  Not to mention, the run specials on getting additional pennies off when you buy a coffee or fountain drink or sandwiches in the gas station.  Also, for every 10 gallons of gas you pump, you get 1% off your grocery bill which can be accumulated over time and used for more savings on big grocery bills.

But back to the crack.  I find myself making excuses to go to Sheetz.  "Oh, look I have almost a half tank of gas, better fill up.  Hey, it's $0.03 off per gallon.  Why not?"   I've even gone out of my way on my trip home to find a Sheetz, just to get a damn frozen mocha.  I am the Jeff Conaway of frozen coffee drinks.  Call Dr. Drew.  Call Juan Valdez.  Call Dr. Oz and let me explain what my coffee poop looks like.  It floats and could get a dung beetle high on caffeine.

However, this all has to end.   I am looking to take a little trip next month and in order to pay for it, I better save some money.  I should probably also save some waistline, if I expect to not have to pay for more than one seat on the flight.   So, once again, I'm going cold turkey, or in this case, warm turkey, by giving up my new addiction.  Every time I get that urge to go across Hell's Half Acre to find a Sheetz, I'll simply take $5.00 and put it away for the trip. 

One last thought.  This addiction to Sheetz's frozen mochas reminds me of a sketch from The Kids in the Hall.  Enjoy.

I'd like a double tall, half caf, half foam, Mocha Choca lata ya ya....with a twist.

I remember being somewhere near the age of seven when I had my first sip of coffee. It was straight up black. I don't remember if my parents always drank their coffee this way. Perhaps this was an object lesson in keeping me away from the stuff. Either way, I wanted to do a Marx Brothers' spit take right then and there. I couldn't understand the allure of this elixir that most adults required an hourly intake of to function, normally. It couldn't have been the taste that attracted them to such a potation that puckered my puss. I was told that there is something called caffeine in coffee that gave its drinker the desired effect. "Caffeine?" I wondered. What the heck is that? My question was met with a simple answer, "a drug that gives you boosts of energy." Oh, I get it. My parents are Java Junkies. They've got a burro on their backs.

Ok, I embellished a little bit, there. Actually, my parents didn't drink that much coffee, but I still couldn't understand why they needed this pot of pick me up to get going. I had no trouble finding the energy to do something. Sometimes, I lacked the desire, but certainly not the energy. I could wake up in the morning, have my breakfast, and I was off and running all day long. Back then, in a forgotten time called the 80's, we kids did something that hasn't been tried for years. We played outdoors. We didn't have Playstations or iPods. We had Ataris and Walkmans which derived little enjoyment after an hour or two. We found enjoyment in playing outdoors. Whether it was a pickup game of football or baseball, we were gone all day long until the universal signal for returning home was sounded. That sound was the buzz of the street lights flickering on in the neighborhood. Some of us tested our parents resolve with this issue by playing at the edge of our yards after the incandescent glow of fluorescent bulbs shone as bugs repeatedly bounced into and around the polls. My point was that as children we did not have the need, nor did our parents have the desire for us, to consume coffee. We ran on pure, uncut youth, the kind that had an unbelievably high street value.


Flash-forward to about seven years later at the height of my adolescence, my brother, who was an additional seven years my senior, had been close to finishing up his Bachelors of Science at the University of Pittsburgh at the time. He had gone through a few phases in college during the transition between the 80's and the 90's. There was Kenny G and Dave Koz playing the soft soporific sounds of the saxophone, skiing at Seven Springs, cardigan sweaters, and The Joy of Painting with Bob Ross. Yes, he actually bought paints and canvases and made happy little trees and clouds all over the place. He is quite talented. Now, as his younger brother, looking towards the elder male in the family to emulate and copy, I did everything he did. I wore Cosby Cardigans with turtle necks complete with French rolled Bugle Boy pants. I made copies of all his Kenny G and David Sanborn CDs....to which I made cheesy mix tapes for dates. Yes, I would drive to the movies in my parents Oldsmobile while blasting "Songbird" on the AC Delco radio with that special someone. Of course, most fads are just that, fads. In time, I opted for Faith No More, Guns and Roses, and Eric Johnson.

How to Pinch Roll, Peg, or French Roll your pants.

The Bad Sweater guy illustrates my point.



Bob Ross Products at Amazon.com

However, there was one fad that my brother introduced me to that stuck from that day forward. He began drinking coffee. Mind you, I was just starting high school in 1990 and the only association myself or my friends had at that time with the word Starbucks was from Battlestar Galactica (The original series with the guy from the A-Team) or the force fed reading of Moby Dick in English class. We had no idea that 3000 miles away an empire was being created. My brother had started bringing home these bags of premium flavored coffee. The bags were labeled as if they were brands of weed like Maui-Wowy or Appalachian Ass Kicker. There was French Vanilla, Suisse Mocha, and Hazelnut. Now, I'm not taking about those little cans from General Foods International. I'm talking about little bags from a coffee shop with ground up gold inside. I hesitated at first, remembering my experience from years before, but my brother introduced me to cream and sugar. Soon, I was looking to inject the stuff into my eyeballs. My world had suddenly gone from the sepia tones of Kansas to the blinding Technicolor palate of Oz. It wasn't that I even needed the caffeine, I just liked the taste. Within a year or so, he stopped buying those little bags of wonder and I started searching for replacements. I began putting vanilla extract in my coffee, and chocolate milk, anything to get that much needed flavor boost missing from regular old house blend. By the time I graduated in 1993, I had become a cappuccino fiend. I ingested coffee in every form imaginable. There was a brief instance where I loved these iced coffee drinks called Cappio. I drank them so often that, after awhile I became so turned off by them that I never touched the stuff again. Then the local mini marts like Sheetz and 7-11 started carrying these cappuccino machines that just mixed flavored power and hot water together. It was like the coffee version of crack, cheap and highly addictive. It was about this time that Starbucks finally made its presence felt in Western Pennsylvania. We had one single location on campus at The University of Pittsburgh. It was situated in the basement of the Cathedral of Learning and they accepted meal plan money. Oh, joy. I could have the high quality stuff and it was part of my college meal plan.

The Cathedral Learning

Well, here we are 19 years later and while I do not know if my brother still drinks coffee with the same amount fervor as he once did. I, myself, have been unable to completely kick the habit. As I graduated college and entered the workforce, I've been relying on coffee to keep me from snoring at my desk. However, like all good things in life, a good idea tends to become exploited. I've always been a little cheap when it comes to paying for expensive items and nowadays, Starbucks is a once in a while venture. I personally only ever order one thing there, Venti Caramel Macchiato with three Splendas. It's not because I am such a creature of habit that I only stick to one drink and never explore the menu, it's because I don't understand the culture or the terminology. The height of pretentiousness seems to be in ordering the size of your coffee in Italian and quite frankly we've gone a little nuts with the different types of preparation of the same drink. It's sad when I have to wear a wristband with all the vocabulary written on it as if I were a quarterback in the huddle trying to decide what play to run.

Starbucks ordering made easy

There are times I choose to take a break from coffee altogether. I tend to get a little cranky from the years and years of caffeine addiction and withdrawal can be such a bad thing. It sounds stupid, but my drink of choice in college was Caffeine Free Diet Pepsi. Once I acquired the taste of drinking diet there was no turning back. I also didn't want all the caffeine so I opted for the decaf brand. One particular week I had not been able to get decaf and was reduced to drinking the high test stuff. I quickly switched back to decaf with no step down plan and found myself in a Mongo like rage. A ridiculous and banal argument with my then girlfriend resulted in my shattering the windshield of my parents' beloved Oldsmobile. It was a fluke accident. I simply hit the windshield with my palm using very little force, however, my class ring which weighed about 19 pounds spider webbed the windshield and sent me into a no caffeine zone treatment program. It was quite a hard task to complete considering I don't know of any 12 step programs for caffeine addicts. Cheap adolescent theatrics aside, the withdrawal from caffeine was a symptom of a bigger problem and I moderated my caffeine intake and became a little more passive and Zen like.

Now that I am in my 30's and have a little one just starting out, I rely on coffee to get me through the mornings at work, but otherwise I lay off the caffeine at home. One day, perhaps, I will let my daughter try some coffee if she asks but I will do my best to keep her away from such vices that her mother and I were accustomed to partaking in when we were younger. I want to set an example by which childhood shouldn't be about gaming consoles and computer instant messaging. I want her to try and revitalize the playing outside movement. I want her to grow up healthy and buck the trend of adolescent obesity that has become rampant in her culture. Mostly, I want her out of the house for a few hours so I can sit and enjoy a cup of coffee in silence. As I approach middle age, I become the embodiment of Steven Keaton from Family Ties, warning my child about the dangers of capitalism and vice. I've turned into an 80's coffee burnout, the kind who drinks decaf coffee just for the taste and waxes nostalgic about the early days of Smooth Jazz and pegged pants.

Now if you'll excuse me, I need to flip Duotones over to side two in my walkman, preferably before this paint dries on my happy mountain. Oh, and pass the flavored creamer, will ya? I'm jonesin' for a little French Vanilla.