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Full disclosure, I am not a quote/unquote Pittsburgher by residency.  I have been a lifelong fan of Pittsburgh teams.  I attended and graduated the University of Pittsburgh.  I currently work in the city.  To that end, I consider myself a Pittsburgher because I am very attached to the area in one way or another. And even if I wasn’t I would still have been affected as deeply by the events that took place in Squirrel Hill at the Tree of Life Synagogue last month.  And I’m here to say that it, along with the rest of the world won’t get better.

I say that as I try to raise a daughter to not look at the most horrible negative aspects of humanity.  I say that as she, too, has expressed that the world is a horrible place and everything sucks.  And quite frankly, I cannot disagree with her. But I can reassure her and I want to reassure any of you that think that just because we are living through unusually extraordinary times that it means the world is never going to not suck.

Let’s face it, we’re not getting out of her alive.  The moment we were born, we began to die.  And that’s OK.  After all, we are a living thing and like any plant or animal, our physical beings are only able to endure so much over so long a time.  And no matter how much we try to prevent or protect ourselves from disease or disaster, the end result is the same.  We will all die.  We are born and we die.  Those two points are fixed in their existence. The degree to which we exist within two points is flexible and therein lies the challenge.

Now, more than ever, we are bombarded with news and information about the world.  Now, more than ever, we are aware of things that are going on outside our doors.  Now, more than ever, is that information shaped to illicit a heightened reaction, physical and emotional.  And our children are not immune to it.  We can only guard them against technology for so long.  It’s everywhere.  News alerts, crawls, social media posts… It’s all out there and the more we try to wrap our children in a blanket of ignorance to protect their innocence, the harder reality tries to creep in.  There is no escaping the wolf that is already in the doorway.  Because of that I embrace the news and offer you a caveat in your digestion of it.

The world sucks right now.  People are dying from hate and violence more than just old age.  People are more divided now than they were at a time when we were actually divided by laws.  People are more willing to accept that everything will get worse before it gets better.  And they aren’t wrong.  I’m sorry, but this is the reality we live in. 

Everything we eat will kill us.  If we buy it, it’s got chemicals.  If we grow it, it comes into contact with chemicals.  If we synthesize it, it is a chemical.  The reason you like the way a certain food tastes is because they are designed that way. Natural foods have a real taste that isn’t as fun or zingy as processed.  But real food tastes good if you know how to prepare it.

Our leaders all serve someone else’s interests other than our own.  Oh, sure, they tell us they do.  They say they will remove the corruption and drive out the evil.  They dangle a small carrot to us while giving others huge bushels.  But if that’s what they’ve been telling us for decades, and we keep falling for it, then why has no one actually done it?

Death is everywhere.  As I said, your body is literally trying to kill you every day until it actually succeeds or loses that honor to another killer.  If you eat X, it will give you Y, which is bad. But if you try to avoid X, by eating A, B will happen.  If you take F it will cause you worse side effects than what G’s symptoms are.

So, there you go. It all sucks.  Our food will poison us. Our government won’t protect us.  And our medicine will make us sick. 

UNLESS

Instead of sitting there, making excuses for why it doesn’t matter what you do to your body or the environment, instead of crawling into a hole and waiting to die of old age, covered in bubble wrap with no sharp edges on anything so you don’t get a cut, or instead of simply deciding that maybe a long life isn’t worth it because what reason do you have to make it to 30 when you can just gorge on processed cheese and chocolate and accept death at an early age maybe you can do something to change it.

Stop being complacent that the world is horrible and make it better.  Come up with new solutions to old problems.  Shout YES louder than the loudest adult who shouts NO to changing the world.  Get off your ass, take a stand, and start making little changes that improve things.  Get help.  Organize.  Make a statement. 

Stop listening to what they’re telling you is wrong and start telling them what you can do to fix it.  We used to make things.  We used to solve problems.  Now all we do is make ways for us to be enslaved by the problems we’ve created.  We scare everyone into thinking the world is horrible and that it’s all coming to get you, so hide behind a shield of hate and lies and you’ll be safe from the truth. 

We have access to the greatest wealth of technology and information than we have ever had and it can be used for good.  All it takes is enough people to band together and use it that way.

So, unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot, nothing is going to get better. It's not.

Chillin' at Children's The Franklin Regional Tragedy Spawns A Selfie

Dear Nate,

   I am the father of school age child.  Not a moment goes by that I don’t worry about her.  Will she behave in class?  Will she do well?  Will she make new friends?  Will she get an A on her spelling test?  Will she grow up to be smarter than me? Will she get into college?  Will she get a great job?  Will she invent something or discover something that will solve world problems?  Will she make it home safely today?

   You see, what you did today was very, very brave.  It was a selfless act.  Something simple.  Something we would usually punish a student for in my day; pulling a fire alarm to get out class.   But you did it to warn others.  You acted in a way that probably saved countless lives, just like my little girl.  I can only imagine what your mindset was when it happened and then, to have been attacked by the person who caused this chain reaction of events that have reached CNN and the world, you are now a hero.   You are a part of the tapestry of parental nightmares that have plagued all of us since Columbine happened fifteen years ago this coming April 20^th.   Southwestern PA now joins a host of other schools and communities that have become statistics of classroom violence.  All of us more worried each day that somehow that evil will find its way into our children’s schools. 

   But, you were there and you did what you did and now, by virtue of being born towards the beginning of the Gilded Age of Social Media, you are part of the historical tableaux of memories, like the students dangling out of the window of a Virginia Tech classroom.  Your face and your act will be remembered.  You are a hero.

   You deserve this moment for being the one to “Roll into action”.  You and all the others who helped stop the threat before more could be injured, including yourself, deserve so much praise and thanks.  For that, this is your time to shine.  Your Facebook wall is probably flooded right now with well wishes and bro fists and probably dating offers.  Your profile picture will probably your Children’s Hospital pic for a day or two… There’s already a community page on Facebook, which is probably not related to you in any way.  You’re going to have interviews with local media and probably National Media.  It’s not unfathomable to see you ending up on the couch of Fallon or Letterman… because the media loves a hero so much in the face of tragedy.

   It is also your time to reflect.  A lot of criticism is going to come your way, from myself included, simply because you exist in that “Gilded Age”.   The selfie seen round the Commonwealth already has a Twitter following and a People.com article.  Again, I thank you for what you did, but remember with great power comes greater responsibility… and clichés.  Don’t think for one moment that you aren’t a hero, but also not above reproach in the eyes of those who made you famous for what you did.  You are a hero, but you’re also a teenager, and I get that.  Taking the selfie “Chillin’ at Children’s” is the tip of a proverbial iceberg of contextual misconception.   In one light, it’s a kid being a kid, taking a moment to show the face of a tragedy.  But in another, it’s a kid being dumb and disrespectful while his classmates are in critical condition from their wounds.  The choice of how you choose to identify yourself in that moment is your own.

   Humility is a powerful balance and can never be abused.  Remember this as you take those first steps towards no longer being anonymous outside of Allegheny County.  Remember this when your attackers are armed with a Social Media account and not a knife.   Remember this when it’s time to go back to being anonymous.  Remember this when it’s time to step up as a man in your 20s and 30s and 40s.   Be the man who pulled the fire alarm every day of your adult life.  Be the hero when your own child goes off to school and worry about them every day.  Be the humble American who does things not because of the photo op but because it’s the right thing to do.   You do all that, and you will be fine.

  Thank you and have a speedy recovery.

WUMF: September 2013 Edition

Where the hell did September go?

The Steelers

WTF WTF WTF WTF WTF WTF WTF WTF WTF WTF WTF WTF WTF WTF WTF WTF WTF WTF WTF WTF

How can a team put up such great offensive numbers still be 0-4?

Turnovers

Defensive Suckage

Lack of cohesion

Take away all the games for the whole team, not just the rookies.

You can’t sit there and blame the rookies for not doing things the Steeler way if the rest of the team isn’t doing it either.

The Pirates

In the past, I have tried to temper my bandwagonning with the reminder that it has been 20 years since I was able to proudly call myself a Pirates fan.  The last three years I have been sucked back into being enthusiastic, only to be hurt again like a battered spouse.  But this year was finally the year.   The curse of Bonds/Bream is gone.  The 20 years of losing are gone.  The “We only put a profitable team on the field, not a winning one” is gone.  So, now the question remains… is this one game playoff series with The Reds going to be a step towards St. Louis or a step towards Moneyball when Minnesota trounced the A's?

The Penguins
The long road back to Lord Stanely begins.  Still not sure about Fleury. Vokoun nearly died from blood clots.  I've already forsaken the Steelers for Pirate games.  Will the Pens take the place on Thursday?  I kind of hope not...until November.

The Duck

Look at it.  The Duck has cometh.  The thing is huge and it needs to be moved to be in order to be seen on camera during tonight’s game.  My hopes is that only Pirates will be launching the long ball in hopes of connecting with the Quacken.

That being said,

RELEASE THE QUACKEN!

 

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YouTube Update

Because this month has been so damn busy I have been remiss in putting up some videos.  The Sims3 is still being worked on as is Minecraft.   The problem is, with Minecraft I’ve been involving my daughter in some videos because she’s so stoked to see the stuff I’m doing.  That means a lot of footage has to be edited and I can’t be my normally vocal self.  So, be patient and get some views in so I can keep doing this.

Greetings From Fayette Nam

Breaking in with a shirt related post today. 

I’ve been thinking a lot about my hometown and the surrounding areas.   Sites like Champ Yinz and My Fresh Factory have capitalized on the local flavor of Pittsburghers.  Being from SWPA or more to the point Fayette Nam as we call it, we don’t have a lot of catchy “wink, wink, nod, nod” shirts.  Well, I am hoping to change that.

Happy To Be Hungry

A couple of years ago, I did a pseudo homage/replica shirt of a local eatery which used to be a well known place in my hometown of Connellsville.   Winkys was pretty well known in and around the Pittsburgh area.   Some of you may remember the “There’s no Winkys in Wilmerding” saying of the 70s.   Eventually, in the late 80s, our Winkys was replaced with a Chumley’s, then an Arby’s.  Now, it’s a Rite-Aid store.

But for those of us old enough to remember the 70s, we’ll remember these.

And for those of you looking for a sense of nostalgia, pick up a Winkys shirt.

 

Winkys Shirt From Zazzle

Mammoth Park

Another well know place in and around my hometown is Mammoth Park.  It's located in Mammoth, PA… more commonly known as Mt. Pleasant.  Mammoth was founded as a Coke mining town and a park was built nearby.  

One of the main features of the park is the Giant Slide, which was built into the hillside.  The metal sliding board takes a double dip and ends in a long straightaway, which is needed to slow you down.   The reason was that, instead of flaying about three layers of skin from the back of their thighs, most people would bring wax paper to ride down the slide, increasing speed.   So, I wanted to capture that idea by putting together an classic/retro parody of the idea with a shirt for a fictional paper company in the area.  Hence, the Mammoth Wax Paper Company was born.

Even though it's considered Westmoreland County, us Fayette Nam residents still claim it as our own.

Mammoth Wax Paper Company Dark Apparel
from Skreened

Mammoth Wax Paper Company
from Skreened

East Park and Shady Grove Pool

These two ideas are still in the mix, but one of the features of East Park is either the tunnel or the newly restored Castle Lookout.  I’m still theorizing how to approach the idea.  The same goes for Shady Grove.  That one may not be a reality as it is still in business, I think.

No Class Nation Tour

Don’t blame Kenny Chesney, Pittsburgh, and don’t ban him either.  Don’t blame anyone but those involved.   The mess during and after the No Shoes Nation Tour does not rest solely on Chesney.    He did not personally tell people to go to the venue, days before in some instances, and wreck the joint.  He did litter the parking lot of Heinz Field with trash.  He did not drink heavily and get into fights in the parking lot.

You did.  And by you, I mean people in the parking lot, at the event, on the water, wherever.   The issue with this kind of mess is not that we have a concert in the summer.   Pittsburgh has turned the corner from burnt out steel town.   It has topped many “Best City For…”  lists, nauseatingly, the last few years.  It has become a technology hub.  It has gone from being only about The Steelers, The Penguins, and The Pirates, to being about the cultural and the artistic.  

Pittsburgh has been given an overhaul, boasting many new venues for events.  In the last few years, Stage AE has proven to be a great location for concerts.  The old Trib Total  Media Amphitheater was demolished and is now Highmark  Stadium, built entirely with private funds and home to the Riverhounds and concerts.    We have The Rex, which has been around since 1905, the Consol Arena, A.J. Palumbo, The Benedum, Heinz Hall, Byham, the new Arcade Comedy Theater.  The list grows every year.   

And yes, we have Heinz Field and we have Starlake Pavilion for our bigger concerts  Yes, they draw large crowds.  Yes there is tailgating.   Yes, there can be a mess.   No, it’s not acceptable.

The problem is that banning one act will cascade into a series of stymieing commerce and cultural into the area.   This year, it’s Kenny Chesney, next year it could Jimmy Buffet.  Hell, it could be a Cleveland, Baltimore, or Cincinnati game.    Any number of events could result in the ridiculousness that took place this past weekend.   But, I remind you, this is also the town that started couch fires in Oakland and turned the South Side into an area of bedlam after championship sporting events.   You wouldn’t dare blame The Steelers or The Penguins for that would you?

We all want to have nice things, but there needs to be some accountability.   There was no earthly reason for there to be tailgaters at that concert as early as they were.  Boaters arrived days before.   The combination of early drinking, hot  temperatures, and natural tendencies to do bad things when affected by both led to a majority of the issues.  On the whole, they amounted to a small percentage of the total number of people on site.   Yet, everyone loves to bitch and complain when something wrinkles their upturned nose.   Soon petitions came out wanting to ban Chesney from playing Pittsburgh.  Why? 

Ban tailgating.  Ban early admission to the lots.  Increase policy enforcement of “on the books” laws against disorderly conduct and public intoxication.  Increase the availability of trash receptacles.  Increase awareness.    Police each other.   Pick something other than the thing that brings money into the city.

I’ve heard that had this been a Steelers game it would never have been that bad.   Well, who is to say?  Chances are, the same result would have happened, a clean lot the next day.   Yet, you can be sure that diehard fans with season ticket holders and a modicum of respect for their team and venue would probably do their part to inform the rest of the tailgaters to “PICK UP YO SHIT.”

But don’t start Facebook groups bitching about it.    That should be banned.

WUMF: March 2013 Edition

I know. I know.  I missed another WUMF Deadline.

<insert Blues Brothers’ quote>

Truth is, I had the plague at my house since last week.  So, everything today revolves around that issue.

The Streak

The Pens finally lost, ending their streak at 15.   Now, if you are scratching your nugget, trying to figure out how that info equates to me being sick, realize that I was unable to eat anything for three days, and I did my own laundry last night to spare my wife the ick factor.   I’ll let your mind wander on that one for a bit.

Yeah, I went there.

OK, so the Pens lost.  The world has not come to a screeching halt, people.   We are still in it to win it.   The Pens losing signifies one thing.  They are human.  They have rough outings.  They have three people out with injuries.  Now, at least two radio stations summed up the reasons the Pens lost included the lack of Paul Martin.  That makes some of my friends twitch a little, but when you figure that LeTang is also one of the injured, you have to realize that without LeTang, all you have is Martin… and without Martin you have even less and that is saying a lot.

The Pens will be fine and this will give them some perspective towards that goal of hoisting and toasting Lord Stanley.  The pressure is now off of them for the rest of the season to be perfect.  They just need to be great as we know they can be.  They can play smart  hockey and not balls deep, blazing, hockey as if the fate of the world rests on a one timer from Sidney Crosby.  

The addition of Jarome Iginla was pretty sweet.  There is a level of gravitas this team now has with these editions.  I think the only Captains were missing are America and Morgan.   Shero probably has that on his list of things to do before the deadline.  Which is now at least 2 hours old.  But if anyone can make a trade beyond it, it’s Ray Shero.  I think he managed to trade a shoddy bomb casing full of used pinball parts for some plutonium for his time machine.

The Buccos

Once again, it shouldn’t be hard to make the connection between them and what I was doing all weekend.   They lost their home opener.  Let’s start the 21^st season off right and not have any expectations.   Mr.  Shero, meet Mr. Nutting.  Mr. Nutting, meet Mr. Shero.  Now, the two of you stay locked in this room until Nutting understands how to put together a team, not a business model.

This Illness

So, yeah, I had it.  I don’t know what it was, but it was bad.  Sunday morning I woke up a little fuzzy.  By the middle of the day, I made the decision to not eat anything.  I wasn’t vomiting, but I was in the bathroom every 20 minutes.  At its worst, my fever was 101.3.  I managed to drink some water and eat Italian Ices.    That sucked huge time because Easter dinner is one of my favorite holiday meals next to New Year’s.   We have ham, kielbasa, sirecz (Hunky Easter Cheese), corn casserole, and sweet potato casserole. 

I called off Monday and finally had some toast in the afternoon.  That was the turning point, I thought.   I was fine, with no incidences all day.  Even went out to dinner with my family and had a steak sandwich and fries.

That was my biggest mistake.  I was up at 4AM, then at 4:30.  Then at 4:55 and 5:55AM.   I opted to work from home and after a magnificent feast of toast, water, and another year old Italian Ice, I was fine again.   For dinner, I took it easy, having some chicken noodle soup, pineapple, watermelon, and Jello.  

Today, I’m back to full strength.  And the only silver lining was that I lost 6 lbs. during the week.  That brings my total from December 20^th to today to 34 lbs. lost.  I haven’t done any exercise yet.  LOL.  I know it’s coming, though.

YouTube

I’ve been posting videos, weekly, to TheAngryCast and viewership is anemic.  I admit, I was hoping there would be a jump after I expanded to SimCity Playthroughs and The Design It series.   But, it’s still only a month in and I need to refine my processes.   I will say that I had to make another expenditure.   I managed to chew through 560gb of hard drive space in a month, so I bought a 1 Tb drive off Amazon for $80.   Now, I can move all my raw footage to date to the drive and keep the laptop hard drive for stuff I’m currently working on.    I better hurry because Dead Island Riptide is coming.   The connection… walking dead is what I was this weekend.

Like a Boss

So, here I was stuck in my house eating toast and year old Italian Ices, drinking water and avoiding dairy and people all be mixing it up and getting arrested while standing in line for free cakes in Market Square.  And, from what I heard, police were called to stop fights in line. What the hell?

Seriously, some drunk guy stole a case of cakes from the Cake Boss giveaway while people from North Carolina drove up here and stood in line since 7AM to get one.

Again, people, I ATE TOAST AND DRANK WATER FOR THREE DAYS.   And when I didn’t, I paid for it dearly.

How friggin’ good are these cakes?  Oh yeah, they’re free. 

I don’t watch the show and quite frankly, I wouldn’t stand in line for a free pizza let alone a cake.  I’d rather stand in line and pay for something from The Oakmont Bakery or Moio’s.  

And how bad does that make Pittsburgh look?  We get all these awards for livable city and tech jobs and sports and we can’t handle free cake lines?  Portland is telling us to suck it.

Sports in Bizarro Burgh

Maybe the Mayans were right.

Let’s see… We had the Pirates cock tease for another season… this time, making it past the All Star Break with an above .500 record. We actually thought… “Screw winning season, I smell division leader… nay… PLAYOFFS!” Then, another 19 inning game crushed our souls like a can in a compactor. The team fell down the chute of our board game minds. They picked the lollipop card in Candyland and had to go all the way back to the beginning. But… we still had Penguins Hockey and Steelers Football, right? RIGHT?!?!?

Training camp rolled around and our new offensive line was set. Finally, we had better protection for Ben and more holes to create for RBs. But… Mike Wallace was nowhere in sight. He wasn’t in Latrobe. He wasn’t in Pittsburgh. He was home, sitting on his couch, wearing his helmet, and reading his playbook… hoping for more money. He waited. Training started. He waited. The pre season started. He waited. Three pre season games passed. He finally showed up. We played Denver. Oh, yeah, we lost some of our shiny new toys in the early games. We also broke some of our others… *cough*Troy *cough*

But not to fear, Mike Wallace came in and made touch downs and amazing plays… and who needs training camp… and pre season? Soon those sentiments were replaced with, “Who needs to learn how to catch the ball, first?”

We lost to bad teams like Oakland and Tennessee… we squeaked by in Kansas City… We lost our starting quarterback…. He went out with a shoulder sprain that could puncture his aorta? Was that what I heard? I’m kidding, of course. So, in comes the cannon that is Byron Leftwich. The guy who was supposed to start in Ben’s absence during his four game suspension… only to break his arm in pre season, that year.

On his first play during the KC game, he throws to NOBODY and ends up ass over tin cup on the ground. Who’s his backup? Not Charlie Batch, mister reliable. Mister “I can manage a game while never making you believe I can either win it or lose it on one play rather I will do my best and that’s pretty damn good”. Mister, “I’ve been in this league a long time and bailed your asses out, and yet you still put me down in the depth chart only to come and ask for my help, but I will never be resentful because I am a true gentleman”. That guy. He was inactive. So… who was our emergency QB? I knew who he would have been last year… Hines Ward. The guy we got rid of and then waited for Mike Wallace to finally show up.

For Sunday’s game against Baltimore… the emergency guy is Heath Miller. I would rather have Heath play QB than Leftwich at this point. At least he can move. He may not have a cannon that can throw the ball into the parking lot on the off chance a receiver happens to be there waiting… but he isn’t the Tin Woodsman in the pocket that takes 20 minutes to throw the ball. Now, Ben does take a long time, but that’s play development, not the act of throwing the ball.

When I saw the schedule this year and noted that we had three divisional games in a row: Baltimore, Cleveland, and Baltimore, I knew we were in trouble. I predicted something like 7-9 or 9-7 due to what I perceived to be a rough schedule. Denver was getting Manning… we lost to them in the playoffs but still, the Ninety-Six Million Dollar Manning is always a problem at QB. Beyond that, look at our back half of the schedule: Baltimore, Cleveland, Baltimore, San Diego, Dallas, Cincinnati, Cleveland.

Oh, I know what you’re thinking. Dallas and San Diego suck, and Cleveland… pffft alleasy games.

We were supposed to have killed Oakland and Kansas City… and Tennessee was supposed to be manageable. San Diego scares me…because they are a bad team… and possibly… so are we. My prediction stands…. 9-7…or 7-9… hopefully, I’m wrong… except in the case of 8-8.



At least there’s hockey….


GOOD NIGHT EVERYBODY!

20 Years of Sucktitude

20 Years of Losing

Get it on a shirt at Redbubble or Zazzle

The Pittsburgh Pirates ended their season with a loss. They ended with a loss to the Braves and a loss to the fans. They did clinch their 20th consecutive losing season with a record of 79-83. Now, that’s seven wins more than last year, but when the team was 16 games above .500 and in contention for a wildcard spot in August. Now, they have only the speculation to look forward to.

What will the team do to improve? Will heads roll? Will money be spent? For the angry fan, the answers always seem to be, “No”.

The last time the Pirates had a winning season, Bush was in office. That wouldn’t be so bad if I wasn’t talking about the first Bush. I was still in high school. I’m now 37. Chipper Jones was on the Braves’ minor team at that time. That’s how flipping long ago it was.

However, the last two years seemed to be different. They were improving. They were winning. They were bringing back the fan base. I bought into it, two years in a row. Then, the same thing happened, twice. They collapsed. Oddly enough, both collapses started after a 19 inning game. Suddenly, the fans were a battered spouse and the team was the abusive drunk that promises to stay sober and get help… only to smack us around one more time.

Last year, the team got on this weird kick of taking on a Wilson Philips song as their theme. This year was the year of the “Z”. Last year, the Wilson Philips thing didn’t do much. This year, the “Z” was infectious. The Zoltan sign was such a quirky one off that it caught fire and soon shirts were being sold, people were scratching their head and looking up a movie called, “Dude, where’s my car?” It was strangely catchy, though. Hell, I even jumped on the band wagon.

But that was August. The sad truth is we can’t blame management for this collapse. We can say that they didn’t do enough at the trade deadline or that they dealt away Brad Lincoln and Casey McGehee. Well, actually, maybe you can. After all, the real reason why the Pirates were as good as they were may not be because they were any better than an under .500 team. It’s just that the rest of the division was weak out of the gate. There was a lot of sound bites thrown around about how bad the other teams were that it made it easy for the Pirates to look great. Andrew McCutcheon played like he wasn’t human and on most teams that would be enough to help. AJ Burnett, who made me facepalm early on with his Spring Training injury, became the beacon of hope for the team. He was the one player who had every reason to be negative. He played for the Yankees and ended up here. Yet, he played like he cared. He cared like he wanted the team to snap that losing streak.

And now, without hockey to talk about, we rally around the Steelers who are 1-2. Steelers aren’t stellar. No hockey. Sigh. The Pirates missed a great opportunity to grab more fans. Now, all we have left to think about is that they are raising ticket prices and probably won’t get any more players to justify that cost increase.

Camping Is In Tents

Last weekend, I had the opportunity to do something I haven’t done since I was a sophomore in college some 17 years ago. I went camping. Now, there’s a reason I haven’t done it in 17 years. That reason is that the ground and I aren’t on the best of terms. It’s hard and cold and unfeeling, and I’m applying 280 pounds of weight in one spot all the time. That’s like having a needle sticking in your back, which is what it felt like sleeping on the ground Saturday night.

When I was a young Mongo, and not so angry, I used to go camping at Prince Gallitzin.  If not staying there, we would visit our friends who had a camper up at Cutty's campground, which is in between route 711 and 31, in Saltlick, PA.  But the most recent trips I went on were in college, either camping on the fringe of Ocean City, MD or at Shawnee State Park.  However, this weekend, we stayed a little closer to home, just deep enough into the mountains of Fayette Nam and into Somerset County.

We took the little one and the LP (La Papa as my wife and her friend used to refer to my father-in-law as when we met) up to visit my sister-in-law at Scottyland which is way up there in the Laurel Highlands, near Seven Springs. Now, Scottyland is one of those places where people get rooted in their camping ways. They pay somewhere around $1200-$2200 a year for a site. Some have no hookups, which they call “primitive” and some are full supersize sites, which the other campers call “snob knob”. Some people, up there, take their camping seriously. One trailer looked like a mini two story house, complete with a stone walled deck and outdoor wet bar.

The site we stayed at was right on the lake, which to be fair was more of a pond that you could walk across. It was along the main drag around the “lake” where campers were butted up against each other and most people know what their neighbors are doing at 2AM when the lights go out.

We pitched a tent… not in a good way… in the back yard next to the fire ring. We spent the bulk of the day fishing for the same blue gill and watched the drama unfold in another scintillating episode of Red Neck ER as two guys from the Off-Off-Off Broadway run of O’ Brother Where Art Thou performed CPR on a fish that had swallowed a hook. The action was suspenseful in that it took them at least 30 seconds to get out an entire sentence. One guy was stationed to our left and the other guy was stationed to our right and they proceeded to have a conversation over top of our campsite that was just quality stuff and I could hang on every word…. From a noose… in a tall tree.

“Heeeey…. Dooo yooou haaaave some neeeedle noooose plierrrrrs?”

“No, we don’t.”

“Ohhhhh, allllllll riiiiiiiight. Thannnnnks.”

Then his buddy chimed in from the bank on the other side of us.

“Whaaat haaaapened?”

“Welllll, I thiiiink heee swallloowed the hoooook.”

The next hour was spent watching as both men, knelt on the ground over the fish, performing open mouth surgery trying to retrieve the hook.

Really? Now, I’m no fisherman, which is apparent from this story, but I would think that the fish should have been dead long before Cleetus over there spit out the word, “hoooook.” Which means, why be delicate? Gut the dead bastard and retrieve your hook. Still, as I said, I’m not a fisherman, so I don’t know if a fish can live for an extended period of time with a hook in its belly. I know if can probably live a lot longer than it can sucking wind on the bank of a pond. What was so special about that hook? I’m guessing it Cleetus’ last hook or only hook or maybe these two just weren’t the brightest crayons in the box. When my wife asked me how long can a fish live out of water, I replied, “Till the end of a Faith No More video.”

After Red Neck ER went to commercial, we took a tour of the campground, performing a ninja mission to retrieve a picnic table. One was supposed to be at the site but there wasn’t one. We also got to see what the “primitive” sites were. These were sites that had no plumbing or electric. You were roughing it with a few wooden outhouses along the way. Paddle faster, friends, methinks I hear banjos.

After that, we ate. We ate good. I had homemade deep fried potato chips, hot dogs, chili, awesome clam dip, deer kabobs, and bacon and cheese stuffed jalapenos. Now, we did all this with full awareness that the men’s side of the bathhouse was locked due to, what I was told was “fecal vandalism”, and that the toilet in the camper was not working properly. So, needless to say, there were some tense times in the tent.

Now, the best way to disguise the sound of that dinner coming back on you is to go joy riding in the golf cart. The wind will carry away any fumes and the sound of the engine will cover up the audible. One thing I learned about golf carts at the campground was that most of them had huge tires and lift kits. Apparently, there was some correlation between the size of your truck and the golf cart. Also, this being Southwestern Pennsylvania, you can rest assured that a lot of the campers, no matter how run down and awful they appeared, were fully equipped with a 47” or better flat screen television hooked up outside and tuned to the Steelers-Buffalo game. Some things are non-negotiable when it comes to camping. Meanwhile, I had no cell reception the entire weekend. Other sights to behold was the construction light trees set up to illuminate what must have been a phenomenal game of corn hole. So phenomenal that they couldn’t just quit because of darkness. We also saw one of those huge Paul Bunyan statues that scared the crap out of my kid.

At the end of the night, we sat around a fire that proceeded to cook us like marshmallows. My legs became Deep Fried Woods Off. I’m pretty sure that stuff shouldn’t be exposed to an open flame and our fire big enough to be picked up by Curiosity on Mars. The kid crashed and my wife and sister-in-law nearly did after taking a late night golf cart ride down through the primitive area where an overturned outhouse prompted my sister-in-law’s drunken statement, “They shipped the flitter!”

In the morning, I punched the ground for making it so hard on me and we gathered up our stuff and headed home. We drove on out of the campground, passing by the glittering beer cans that littered the corners of each site. The Sunday morning dew mixed with the effervescent remainder of Milwaukee’s Beast and Budweiser, with just a subtle hint of Skoal filled saliva. Ahhh, camping.

From what I was told, there is a guy with a bit of a mental handicap that goes around and collects all the beer cans from the various sites. If you ask him about the owner, he will tell you that he is a “peepee and an asshole”. And, if that wasn’t enough of a visual for you, he points to each body part as he announces it; hopefully in the right order.

So, that was our camping trip and I will never forget all the good times; fish surgery, flitted shippers, peepees and assholes. Those will be my memories.

Pittsburgh Geography By Bruce Willis

I am a self proclaimed excellent navigator. My wife will argue that, yet she’s the one that sent us up and over the mountains of West Virginia on our way to the beach. However, there are times when I will get turned around, believing I am in an area I recognize.

Now, when I was a kid, there was the great rescue mission in Prince Gallitzin. Not really a rescue, more like a search party for one of the kids in our group who had taken a walk and gotten lost in the campground. I took the remaining kids and fanned out into the various loops and managed to find our missing friend. After dark, we found ourselves on the other side of the campground with no sense of direction. Somehow, I managed to lead us to back to our site before anyone noticed we were gone.

However, last week, driving back from work, I realized I would never make it home with the amount of gas I had in the car and the Pirate game just starting. Traffic was pretty screwed up. I knew there was one gas station, just before the tunnels, off of 51 South. From there, I could catch a bridge back over by Duquesne and drop down onto the parkway before the Oakland exit.

I got the gas and managed to screw up and take the Wabash tunnel exit, following a car who seemed to know where I was going. I made a right, then another right, then a climb up a hill and I was lost. I could see the Steel Building and the rest of downtown, but could not figure out how to get down there. So, I just kept driving parallel, believing that I would magically end up on the Parkway East via Striking Distance movie logic. Unfortunately, I didn’t have Bruce Willis in the car with me. I managed to see two places I’d always about but never had been to. I never even knew how to get there; Mount Oliver and Carrick. I did a major detour and managed to come down into the South Side by Primanti Bros. I was home free… or so I thought.

I misread the directions on the bridge signs which said, “Oakland, next left”. I didn’t want to go to Oakland, I wanted back on the Parkway. I didn’t realize that it wasn’t an exit for Oakland but an exit for a road that led to Oakland, namely the Parkway. So, I stayed straight and was forced to turn left because I wasn’t a bus. Now, I was headed back downtown and managed to get turned around and head back the right way. What could have been a 45 minute drive turned into an hour and a half thanks to my sightseeing tour of South Pittsburgh.

Let’s just say, I’m glad I got gas.

Pete's Possible Pencil Lead Explosives

Ah, the Fourth of July. A holiday marked with the cooking of flesh, both animal and man; the animals’ on the grill, and man’s from poorly supervised firework launching. Yes, nothing is as patriotic as celebrating the invention of America with an invention from China. All the while, displaying flags made in Taiwan.

I remember when the Fourth meant something. I remember a time in my youth where we travelled long hours to distant lands like West Virginia and Ohio to buy fireworks. This was a time after the guy at the little convenience store in Dunbar Twp. stopped selling “The Good Stuff”. You remember the place? It was right across the street from the Willow Inn. You used to walk in and see the smoke bombs and snaps and sparklers and a few tanks and boats. If you were lucky, they might even have Jumping Jacks. On a good day you would say, “Hey, Fred. Got any of the good stuff?” Fred would smile and disappear behind a curtain and you were walking home with illegal fireworks. That was when the Fourth meant something, when you could get bootleg fireworks from a guy in a gas station off of the main road.

I remember another guy, named Pete. He was a friend of a friend. He was the one guy who was 18 years old and just starting his senior year, again. He was the one who could “get stuff”. He had a tape to tape VCR set up and could get you porn, alcohol, and illegal fireworks; fireworks better than Fred could get.

I met Pete through a friend, as I said. It was right around the time we stopped being able to get the “good stuff” from Fred. This was also right around the time they took the video poker machines out of Fred’s. Which is also right around the time when Fred “went away” for awhile.

With Fred gone, we had mentioned the lack of quality fireworks being made available and my one friend said, “Hey, I know a guy. For $20 he can get you a quarter stick.” I was intrigued. I was also 15 and didn’t know any better. Still, this Pete was an unknown person. He’s probably shady. I was probably dealing with an element of organized crime and didn’t know it. This could be exciting. A man that could get me fireworks. He probably knows a lot of guys with nicknames like “Fingers” and “Boom Boom” He could be a cousin of Al Capone, thrice removed on his mother’s side.

We went to Pete’s house in his Custom Cruiser Deluxe station wagon, $20 in hand.  This car was hardly a ghetto hoop dee.  We called it the White Beast For Leprosy as it was losing paint everywhere.  I didn't care though, I was going to a deal. I felt like I had to hide the twenty somewhere in case we ran into the law. There was probably an undercover vice squad member watching Pete’s house from across the suburban street of the South Side of Connellsville. That was a shady area. It was home to the famous hacker, Billy Driscoll. He took down the Pentagon with a dial up modem and a Commodore 64. At least, that’s what we were all told as kids. He was like Matthew Broderick.

Pete’s house was typical. I think it used to be a dentist’s office when I was really young. It looked familiar but I couldn’t quite place it. He gave me quarter stick and it looked awesome. It was about the length of a toilet paper tube but made with a thicker cardboard, like a form. Both ends were sealed with paraffin and a huge wick stuck out of one. It’s bright red colored indicated doom as great plans were made. My friend Jim and I were going to have to plan the ultimate launch party. This was serious stuff. I wondered if black helicopters would descend upon us when the mushroom cloud dissipated.

We totally missed the Fourth of July that summer due to some unforeseen circumstances involving us taking our other friend’s VW Beetle nearly into the Loyalhanna River. This was the third incident that nearly killed the bug. The other being the great Summer/Winter Olympic run and the Lockout in East Pittsburgh. We made plans to reschedule the launch for another time. During those months we learned more about this guy Pete.

First off, he wasn’t that shady. I mean, to us out in the suprural area of Dunbar Township he was probably pretty nefarious; a world class gangster among us rubes. But, when you put him in a room with real hoods he looks like a pathetic dolt. One of the guys, who was five foot nothing and a hundred and nothing, was able to disarm and decimate another guy, twice his size, who came at him with a crow bar. Another made it an art to wear baggy clothes into a National Record Mart, in July, and get the five finger discount on Ice-T’s “Body Count” album. These were bad dudes.

The evidence mounted. We went out to a club in Latrobe with them and Pete, dressed in late 70s loud pinstriped pants and huge collar shirt, looked like he was Alexander Cabot III from the Josie and the Pussycats cartoon. Seeing how he interacted with others kind of put him in his place as the not-so-important, lesser, wannabe hood among the real hoods of South Greensburg. A few of them, “went away” or “went camping in Colorado” as they called it.

I soon began to wonder if my $20 quarter stick was really going to work. This guy wasn’t the notorious character he first appeared to be. He was actually kind of a dork. I mean I was a nerd but by the time I hit high school I kind of straddled that line between the nerds and the other kids. I could live in both worlds and adapt as needed. This guy was way out of his element among the others. So, it begged the question, “Did he sell me a fake?” Was this like that another hilarious fake deal I witnessed where one of the kids in my class sold an upperclassman a bag of grass clippings and claimed it was “good shit”?

Another year passed and we still had not carried out “Operation: Blow Shit Up”. The timing was never right. We didn’t want to end up in the ER with missing fingers but wanted to have the perfect location with the right environment. We could set it off at the beach but there was a possibility of too many witnesses, police presence, and lack of escape routes. We could set it off at the old ash dumps near my house, but it didn’t have a great location with maximum destructive properties. The only thing that would get destroyed was the ash and cinders. Who cares about that? It’s like a pyromaniac setting a waste basket on fire. Oooh, some paper got burned. No, the pyromaniac sets a fireworks factory on fire. That’s what it wants to see go up.

Eventually, I graduated high school and lived in a dorm on the Pitt campus. I didn’t dare bring the quarter stick to school. So, it sat in a box at the back of my bedroom closet. After college, I got my own place and was tasked with cleaning out my old bedroom. I thought about that closet, “I wonder if that old quarter stick is still in there?” I looked and looked and never found it. I even asked my mom if she ever saw it in there and threw it away. She said she didn’t. Then again, my mom probably wouldn’t know what a quarter stick looked like or what it could do. If she had, she would have thrown it out years ago. This is reminiscent of The Ballad of the Bud Under the Bed.

22 years have passed since I bought that $20 quarter stick that may or may not have possibly exploded when lit. To this day, as I set off crappy fireworks that are either PA legal or simply fountains from a road side stand on 158 in North Carolina I think about what that explosion would have been like.  I’d like to think it would have looked like that scene in Bridge on the River Kwai or Force 10 From Navarone.  I’d like to think that there would have been a hole in the world after that puppy blew up. Someday. Someday I may find that quarter stick and see the magic of a $20 piece of cardboard with a wick, paraffin enclosed ends and shaved pencil lead inside.

For more hilarious Fourth of July fun, check out Pittsburgh Dad. Those of us born in the 70s and in Southwestern PA will appreciate this.

WUMF: May 2012 Edition

Keerriiiist! It’s almost June. How the ‘eff did that happen? Well, can’t stop time. So, here’s another WUMF!

Top 25 Musical Performances Reprise
Last week I put up my list for the most iconic musical performances in non-musical films.   Well, I screwed up and omitted perhaps one of the most iconic ones.   So, I'll be fixing that.  Let's just say, I was trying to block it out of my head... the Gene Kelly, the fake nose, the codpiece.

Sgt. Hulka Still Hurts
Awhile back, around the first weekend of May, I tweaked my foot cutting grass. I got an X-ray a couple of weeks ago and it showed nothing. I do not have a broken foot. I do not have gout. My doctor says I need new shows. I am just about at wits end.

They put me on an ant-inflammatory which isn’t the best thing on my stomach, one of the only things next to Rum, Vodka, Gin, or Tequila. Now, it’s numb but still noticeable. However, I am feeling much better about it going to the beach…

Going to the beach
Yeah, we are headed back to the OBX here real soon. Another trip into the 4x4 section. This year we managed to snag an oceanfront home for relatively the same cost per couple that we had last year. This one even has an elevator. Very nice.

I am a bit wary though as we are going a different route that was suggested to me by a coworker. I have been a beltway bomber for quite a number of years, so veering away from DC and going the Berkley Springs route is new to me. I’ve heard it’s beautiful. I just don’t want to hear the banjos stop playing... if you catch my drift.

The Banjos Stopped Playing
Everyone kept talking about watching The Hatfields and McCoys on The History Channel. Apparently, it blew away a lot of reality shows in the ratings. That’s pretty amazing, considering it’s the History Channel. However, some folks have talked about how bad the production was from the acting below the three recognizable leads to the lack of realism in the furnishings of the 19th century era old Kentucky homes.

Seems a bit odd that the Hatfields and McCoys had good dental hygiene in the backwoods of West Virginia and Kentucky.

What Else Seems Odd
The Cincinnati Reds are in town to play the Buccos and a strange story came out of the hotel room of Aroldis Chapman. While he was at the game, a 26 year old woman by the name of Claudia Manrique was in his room at the Omni William Penn, as a guest. A man came to the door, claiming to be there to fix the toilet. Later, she was found bound and screaming in the room, which had been robbed. She was interviewed by police and then released. She left the station with a towel over her head and got into a car with a man and woman with Maryland plates.

She met Chapman two months ago in DC and yet she was released and left with a man who police said was her husband. Hmmm. She also left with full knowledge of how to avoid photos… as if she had done it before… hmmm.

Nothing strange here.



Something Strange Here
This has truly been a strange week. A pig on the parkway. A zombie in Florida. Bovines in Boxford crashing a party. Some guy stabbed himself fifty times and threw his intestines at police. And someone in Canada decided to mail body parts around. Didn’t he know that you should group your shipments to save on postage?

If shit blows up while I’m at the beach, I’m staying there. Getting a little weird around here.

PAXBurgh: Pittsburgh, Make It So!

See, I’m thinking here. I’m thinking how to make things awesomer…? More awesome-y? whatever. Suck it, haters.

Anyway, a friend of mine is going to PAX in Boston this year and I thought, “How cool would it be if Pittsburgh hosted it?”

First of all, it has to be better than getting Anthrocon. I’m sure guest services at the Wyndham would rather hear, “I need ample room for my XBoxes” instead of “I need ample room for my litter boxes.”

Second of all, think of the tie ins you could have. We have the biggest Pinball museum just west of the city. Another perfect tie in, Mario Lemieux. He’s called “Super Mario” after all. And…. We could use his TV outside the Consol for streaming of games. Also, why not have the Pittsburgh Cultural Trust book PLAY! A Video Game Symphony for the same week just after or before the convention as to not cripple the downtown area or take away from either. They’ve done it here before.

Pittsburgh is lacking a viable gaming scene yet we are a burgeoning film location. With Batman, One Shot, and countless other films being done in the area we have our own film studio in 31st Street Studios. Why not leverage them for motion capture work on video games. Fallout 3 had an addon that was set in Pittsburgh. The highly anticipated Story of Us takes place in Pittsburgh. It’s time. You could tie in a live Angry Birds demonstration sponsored by The Carnegie Science Center with launching Penguins at what’s left of the Civic Arena. Set up a Mario Kart tourney in Schenley Park ala Pittsburgh Gran Prix. Blue Shell takes you out at Phipps, right into the Columbus statue.  Bazinga!

With The Art Institute and CMU in the area there should be enough of a video game demographic to warrant this from both the designer and player side. We’re bent on being the best at everything on every list. Why not go full tilt Technophile Video Game Geek? We pull this off and we’re not just telling Portland to suck. We’re telling Seattle to suck it. [Credit goes to That’s Church for that phrase.]

Now, Pittsburgh make it so. PAXBurgh! I’m available for a planning job. Just promise me a nominal pay and all access to the event.

PAXBurgh. Come on! It’s there for the taking, like a shiny coin sprung from a question mark block. 

Sampsonia Street Samurais

Google Street View can be useful for a lot of things. If you want to know where the entrance to a parking garage is, or how close a parking spot is from where you need to be, it’s invaluable.

Then, there’s the sheer joy of just looking at the city without having to get real close. You can travel down the streets looking at the architecture from the comfort of your living room. After all, Pittsburgh has been given so many accolades over the past few years, it’d be a shame to not take in all that splendor. And this way, you don’t have to get involved in road rage incidents with jagoffs that make Pittsburgh lefts.

However, you have to wonder if Google does a lot of quality control in their selection of filming. Maybe they just turn the camera on and go. Perhaps they do a few passes to make sure that they don’t have anything inappropriate in the shots or a bug on the lens effing it all up for five blocks.

Sometimes, I think that the folks at Google have to have a sense of humor. Because otherwise, why would you let this be a part of your Street View scenic landscape?

Sampsonia St. Samurais

In addition to all the accolades Pittsburgh has received, I think we need to get an award for Most Samurai Friendly city.   Now, this, of course, is slightly less as prestigious than when South Union won the, “Best Place For a Ninjas to Break in Cars” award.   But, it’s almost on par with Scottdale when it won, “Best City to Abandon Your Kids For Ninja Practice”. 

Now, my brother emailed me this picture, so he gets credit for bringing it to my attention.  But, it didn’t stop there.  Why would it?   You never know what’s around the next corner.  So, my brother sent me the link to this street corner.

Now, at first glance you might say…. “Oh, look, a whale tail!”   

But, more importantly, WTF is in the alley?

Here's a better view from the opposite direction.

It looks like a half assed Matryoshka doll or homemade Gloop costume for Comic Con.  For you kids out there, Gloop is from a cartoon called The Herculoids. 

Still, I have no idea what the hell that thing is. It’s got feet, so somebody is standing under whatever that is. And that guy, with the apron, must work at Doug’s Market and he’s unfazed by all this. Maybe he saw the samurai fight in the distance and didn’t notice the thing next to him in the alley.

So, if you’ve got time to kill, wander around Google Street view in your town and see what you can see.