Speed Updating

I have no time. No time I tells ya! Things must be automated so I can get back to staring at the wall of my cube/living room/bathroom stall.

First there was speed dial. We had the ability to skip dialing all ten numbers on our home phones and instead dial one number that was assigned to someone we commonly called.

Hell, do you remember when you could dial just seven numbers and need to put in the area code? I do. That was back when a mobile phone meant your parents had a 50 foot spiraled phone cord attached the wall phone in the kitchen and you could talk to people from the bathroom. Of course, after a while, the cord became all twisted and knotted up and you could barely get away from the fridge before you yanked the phone off the wall and it made that “ding” sound when it hit the floor. Yeah, this was back when phones actually had real ringers, with bells inside of them.

But after speed dialing, there was voice dialing. You didn’t have to even get your fingers dirty dialing your house on the cell phone while your blazing a trail up the highway at 90mph. You just say, “Call Home” and it called the house. Of course, this never worked for my mother-in-law. I’d heard complaints that every time she said “Call Home” it tried to call her mother’s nursing home. Then she’d say, “No! CALL HOME!” By the time she’d have it all straightened out she could have, not only dialed all ten numbers of her home phone but, been standing in her living room to do it.

Texting slowed things down a bit because you had to hunt and peck your way around the phone pad and even worse, auto correct lead to some interesting combinations of phrases that could get you into serious trouble if you didn’t pay attention.

So, I’m proposing a new speed update method whereas I simply type in a two digit number and all my friends on Facebook know exactly what I’m saying.

This is actually something some friends I concocted about 10 years ago, before Facebook was even a thought in the back of Zuckerman’s mind... or the Winklevi, depending on who you believe.

We were all sitting around a sports bar and thought, “You know what? Instead of actually telling a joke or retelling a funny story, whenever it comes up as an applicable moment, just yell out a number.” We had a system down where various punch lines became numbers and all we’d do is yell out, “4” and that meant some joke about a guy who needs surgery to reattach his arm and he can’t afford the reputable doctor’s prices. So, he goes to a cheaper, less educated doctor who reattaches it and while talking with the original doctor he chides him over the original price, complete with giving the expensive doctor the old forearm jerk. At that point, the arm he slaps with his other hand goes flying off.

To that end, I want to simply say a number and have it correspond to a particular statement.  Here's 50 I've come up with, so far.

1. I love my wife.
2. My wife puts up with my stupid bullshit.
3. I put up with something my wife does but it’s not the end of the world because I love my wife and she’s on Facebook.
4. I just pooped.
5. Traffic was a bitch getting into work.
6. Traffic was a bitch getting home from work.
7. I just had a tasty breakfast.
8. I just had a tasty lunch.
9. I just had a tasty dinner.
10. My bowels have decided to reject tasty breakfast/lunch/dinner.
11. My kid did something funny.
12. My kid did something scary.
13. My kid is off doing something leaving me to update my status.
14. My cat did something funny.
15. My cat did something scary.
16. My cat is off doing something leaving me to update my status.
17. Obscure 70s movie quote that only three friends will get and ‘Like’ no matter what.
18. Obscure 80s movie quote that only three friends will get and ‘Like’ no matter what.
19. Obscure 90s movie quote that only three friends will get and ‘Like’ no matter what.
20. Obscure 00s movie quote that only three friends will get and ‘Like’ no matter what.
21. Facebook is doing something buggy, again.
22. Steelers/Penguins did something great.
23. Steelers/Penguins did something awful.
24. Refs screwed over the Steelers/Penguins.
25. Team playing the Steelers/Penguins are evil.
26. Buffy Quote.
27. Firefly Quote.
28. LOST Quote.
29. Song Lyrics about Love.
30. Song Lyrics about Hate.
31. Song Lyrics about Sadness.
32. Never Forget.
33. Patriotic American Update.
34. Election Candidate I hate statement that starts flame war.
35. Election Candidate I love statement that starts flame war.
36. Statement about War on Terror.
37. Clarification about stupid statement about War on Terror.
38. Apology about misunderstanding due to stupid statement about War on Terror.
39. Something, something, people, something, something disease, something, repost.
40. Going to bed.
41. Not wanting to be up.
42. I love my car.
43. I hate my car.
44. I love my phone.
45. I hate my phone.
46. I love my job.
47. I hate my job.
48. Weekend!
49. Monday, uggh!
50. Thank you for the birthday wishes.