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Thursday, September 1, 2011

WUMF: August Edition

Late entry this month in the WUMF column. Unfortunately, I’ve been really busy with… actual work and it’s cut into my ability to tend to the side business. Anyway, enough excuses, here’s what’s been happening.

The Pirates
OK, I admit it. I got temporarily sucked back in by them this year. I was almost ready to board the bandwagon. Hell, I even designed t-shirts in tribute to them. Then, they went back to smacking me around after a hard day of drinking. And here I sit, dejected that I fell for it, almost.

Frankly, when they said in the beginning of the year that, in order for them to spend more money on the team, the fans would have to help by raising attendance, I scoffed. How dare they expect us to be the catalyst for this team’s rebirth. Then, a funny thing happened. They started playing better. All of a sudden, attendance increased. So, the fans did their part. Would the Pirates do theirs? They went out and signed two players ahead of the trade deadline. Um… yeah, that’s not exactly who we figured you’d go out and buy. Two guys who end up banged up or just a bust to start. Still, the bullpen held it together and the wins were coming. We were in first place. We were contenders. That was July.

Now, we are heading into September with a dismal percentage, out of the running for the division and slim hopes of breaking .500 for the season at this pace. What happened? We either suck the entire season or do really well for the first half.

Let me put this way. Back in my early days of Junior High, seventh grade to be exact, I joined the track team. Shocked? I am. I threw discus and shot put, not very well, mind you. Occasionally, they had what was called a hog race. That’s when the bigger guys on the team do a relay or run a 220 or 440 yard dash. Now, I will contest that even though I wasn’t the most physically fit, I could sprint pretty well. By pitting me against other guys in my body type, for short distances, I was pretty sure I could take them. I got into a 220 yard dash against other shot putters and discus throwers and felt pretty confident. The gun went off and so did I. I was way out ahead by the first turn. I had an even more commanding lead by the straightaway. At the 220 mark I was a clear winner. I was also in a 440 yard dash and didn’t know it. I stopped dead, thinking I was done while everyone kept running. By then it was too late and I was dead tired. I limped into the finish in last place. I WAS the 2011 Pittsburgh Pirates.

The only thing that would have made matters worse would have been if I were to come out at the next match and said, I am going to bet the school on every event I’m in and I just signed up for the mile run. That’s what the Pirates are doing by raising ticket prices. They blew their wad too early and now they are risking all credibility by saying, “Hey look what we accomplished doing it our way. Now, we’re going to charge you more to be half good.” Don’t be surprised if Andrew McCutchen starts to look away from Pittsburgh as the post season goes on without them. They haven’t thrown the money at him that he deserves, yet.

S#!t My Kid Says
I’ve long said that my kid is the funniest little shit on the planet. Even when it’s inappropriate she makes me laugh. Of course, I am the king of inappropriate.

Due to a scheduling snafu, she had to stay at my parents’ house overnight last week. On the way there, we gave her the usual rundown of rules. Be good. Eat the food she gives you. Go to bed when it’s time. Etc. We also threw in one special request. Don’t swear.

She’s four.

I know. It’s my fault. I let her watch things she shouldn’t and out of all the things she could pick up or imitate from a movie or show, she has to pick the swear words out. And it’s not that my parents are prudes. No way. I didn’t end up like I am because of society. I ended up like this because my Dad let us kids watch Monty Python and Benny Hill when I was my kid’s age. I saw Die Hard in the theater, when I was 12, but I already knew John McClane’s catchphrase prior to that.

So, there we were telling my kid not to say bad words in front of Grammie and she says, “Even asshole?”

Funny kid.

2011 VMAs
I have gone on, at length, about how I hate MTV, now. I can’t understand how they can hold an award show that rewards videos when they don’t even play them on their own network, anymore. The VMAs haven’t been the show they were since the late 80s and early 90s. I didn’t even watch it but saw clips and read about it which is more time that I would have wanted to devote to the subject. My thoughts are this…

  • Why do we continue to honor or applaud Chris Brown? Props to Jay-Z for not standing.
  • Why does Lady Gaga look like a cross between Ralph Macchio from The Outsiders and Billy Joe Armstrong?
  • Why are we shocked and why do we care that she went drag? She wore a suit of meat before.
  • Why is Justin Bieber allowed to drive a Black Ferrari?  And, how's the car doing?  Will he get sued a year later?
  • Why is Britney Spears getting the lifetime achievement award when she’s not been around that long?Look at the list of recipients?  Granted, Madonna was named in 86 but her achievements far outshone Britney’s in the span of time before she received it.
  • Is Beyonce pregnant? (That was a joke)

That’s it. I’m out.

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