The Hungry Games

I’m fat. I know this. I do not have any delusions that I am who I am. I’m not trying to strut around in tight clothes unaware of the fact that I look like a sausage in casing. I have had a battle with weight most of my life and will probably continue to do so until I am either dead or diabetic. That doesn’t mean I have not tried to lose weight. I am pretty good at losing a few pounds here and there. Usually, I end up putting some back on but I wouldn’t consider myself in need of a Maury intervention and a crew to come cut me out of my house.

That being said, I scoff at the notion that there are people out there who are so obsessed with losing weight in order to fit into a bridal dress that they would voluntarily opt to have a nasal gastric feeding tube inserted instead of losing weight naturally.  The new fad costs around $1500 and allows the “patient” to get all the nutrition they need from their feeding tube under a doctor’s supervision.

Are people that nuts?

Feeding tubes are not sexy. They are not trendy. They are not a diet fad. They are a method for keeping people fed who cannot, or will not, ingest food any other way.

A friend of mine’s father just went into hospice for the end stages of intestinal cancer. He opted to remove his feeding tube and has decided to stop treatment. He is reconciling his fate. He did not have the luxury of using the feeding tube to lose weight. He had it because it was keeping him nourished because he couldn’t eat like everyone else. I’m sure he’d be willing to trade places with these self conscious, pretentious brides, and go out for a steak dinner, instead of sitting there waiting for his body to starve itself while hopped up on morphine.

I bet Terry Schiavo would have rather been out looking for a new dress instead of being trapped in a coma with a feeding tube while these idiots are running around counting the pounds they are losing thanks to this fad. 

Look, if you can't fit into your bridal dress, then you got the wrong size.  Plain and simple.   If you put on a few pounds due to stress or tasting all of the cookies and food for the reception, then you probably should go get on the treadmill.  This insanity where people don't actually have to do any of the work in order to lose the weight is the main problem we have.  Everybody's lazy.  I know I could lose 20 pounds just by changing my eating habits.  I'VE DONE IT.  If I wanted to lose more, I could do some more exercise, too.   But in order to get something out of it, you need to put some effort into it.  These idiots are cheating just to achieve a certain look for one day.  They are mocking the people who don't have that luxury; the ones who are stricken with disease or injury that cannot voluntarily choose to have or remove the feeding tube without suffering the consequences.

But hey, it’s a free country and people have every right to be assholes… just like me with my Twinkies.

BTW, tonight I’m going for a bacon cheese burger, cup of tortilla soup, and a warm chocolate cookie at Max & Erma’s. The only tube I’ll be using is the straw for my Diet Coke. Suck on that bridezillas.

The Colonel Has Run Out Of Chicken

I think I talked about the trials and tribulations of going to the local KFC in Irwin, PA. Oh, that’s right. I was supposed to and didn’t. I opted to stroll down memory lane, instead. Well, let me give you the basics. The KFC in Irwin sucks! How do I know? Every time I go there they screw up the order or flat out don’t have what I want.

On an evening back in June I went in to pick up dinner for my family and sat there, waiting, for a half hour while they made more chicken. Apparently, they don’t understand that the F and the C in their name stands for Fried Chicken… as in they sell it. This is more of an atrocity than the time that Smokey Bones ran out of chicken because they sell other things but when the actual name of the store contains the word chicken in it, you would expect them to actually have some to sell. But no, I had to wait until they made more. Then, they actually shorted me two pieces.

This was the second time I had an issue. Earlier in the year, they had this confusing circle of fail concerning how to actually order a meal. The ability to actually choose which type of chicken I wanted (leg, thigh, wing, etc.) became a point of contention and they ended up screwing up the division of parts.

Then, this last weekend, my father-in-law got a hankering for some KFC and we decided to go get a 16 piece bucket meal with a coupon he had. It was 16 pieces, however we sliced it, two large sides and eight biscuits. Plenty of food to feed four of us and have some leftovers for lunch the next day. So, I walked in and asked for the bucket and said, “Can I pick which pieces I want?”

They said, “Sure. It usually comes with four of each type, but if you want to substitute breasts for the others, there is an up-charge.”

“Not a problem. I just wanted to know if I could do four wings, four thighs, and then eight drumsticks of extra crispy.”

“Um, we don’t have enough drumsticks.”

Now, normally, most people would not really care. However, usually, my wife only likes the drumsticks and I prefer them if I can get them. Because I was on the third go around with these people, I had a bit of an attitude.

“You mean you are out of chicken? OK, well, how about six drumsticks and you offset the difference with a couple of breasts at no extra charge?”

“Yeah, we don’t have enough of either. Now, you can do four extra crispy and four original drumsticks.”

“Look, I’m just the messenger. I was told to get extra crispy. I’ll need to make a quick call. Can I please have back my coupon that you just crumpled up?”

So, I went outside and called my wife. “What’s wrong this time?” See, she already knew this was a bad idea and I hadn’t even spoken yet.

“They’re out of chicken.”

“What do you mean they’re out of chicken? This is like the time Smokey Bones ran out of…”

“I know! Look, will you be OK with some original recipe drumsticks?”

“Yeah, fine.”

So, I went back in and gave her the coupon and told her I’d take four of each recipe of drumsticks and I was on my way.

This all still begs the question, “How does Kentucky Fried Chicken run out of chicken?!?!”

‘Eff it. I’m going to Popeye’s.

Listen to Your Parents When It Comes To Food.

Long, long ago in a Foodland far, far away my Mother stood at the deli counter picking up lunch meat. I was a young lad, not yet possessing a discerning palate. I immediately saw something I deemed to be good and told my mom that, “I want it.” At such a young age; outside of pizza, ice cream and PB&J I had very little experience in the culinary specialties available to the general public. Still, I was convinced that what I wanted was going to be the most incredible, tastiest treat I’d ever had.

It was deviled crab. I hated it. It went into the freezer and died a slow death over the next few months.

From that experience, I realized that perhaps my parents possessed a worldly wisdom that trumped any genius from Harvard or MIT. When it came to knowing what I would and wouldn’t like, they were Einstein, Freud, and Watson (The Computer) all rolled into one.

As a parent, myself, I am constantly thrust into the middle of the battle of the, “I want” syndrome that all children experience. They see something, they want it, they don’t understand that we know they won’t like it and we ultimately give it to them to save our own sanity. Three minutes later, they want something else and whatever it was that you just gave them might as well be a big steaming pile of crap.

Case in point. Often, when I pick up my child from preschool, I reward good behavior with a small shake from McDonald’s. They last month or two, whenever we go, my daughter sees ads for the Mango Pineapple Smoothie and immediately wants them. I tell her no and she continually asks for that instead of a chocolate shake.

I know. I should be happy that she wants something that isn’t as bad for her but I know that she will not like Mango. She’s never tasted Mango. She doesn’t even like applesauce. So, why waste three dollars on something she will not like and then have to endure the deluge of the, “Can I have a shake, now, instead?” requests after she realizes what I already know?

McDonald’s made it easier, this week, by offering the smoothies for a quarter. Finally, I can prove my point to a four year old. Believe me, these arguments are epic in nature and usually persist into hour long sessions based around one word.

“Why?”

We rolled into the drive through and I bought two. I figured, “Why not? It’s only a quarter.” I pulled into a parking space and gave her the usual talk about holding it right and not making a mess. She started drinking it as I got my straw unwrapped.

“How is it?” I asked.

“Good.” She said.

“So, you like it?”

“Yeah.”

I took a sip of the smoothie and immediately winced. Under my breath I uttered, “Oh my God, that’s horrible.” I can see why it’s only a quarter. I tried not to say it too loud because my kid was still sipping away in the backseat.

By now, I knew she had to have been lying. When we got home she asked me to put it into the freezer. That’s how I knew. Still, I gave her credit because she realized I was right but wasn’t about to give me the satisfaction of knowing it.

Somewhere, a half eaten deviled crab is laughing.

I Wanna Be a McMillionaire So I Can Pay For Heart Surgery

It’s October again, and that means some of us will inevitably pack on the pounds as we try to win a million dollars from McDonald’s Monopoly.   I, for one, will probably not be participating with as much gusto as I have in the past.  It used to be that I lived for the days where I could justify buying a Big Mac, large French fry, and large drink just so I could get a few game pieces in the hopes of finding the elusive “Boardwalk” game piece.  Now, I’m a little older, a little wiser, a little bigger and a little less richer.   So, for me, the road to riches will not be paved in little pieces of paper with Monopoly properties on them. 

Monopoly is one of my all time favorite games.  I have two board game versions, two console editions, one for Playstation and one for the Wii.  I also have a version on my mobile phone which makes time go by quicker when you are stuck in waiting rooms or lobbies for various appointments.   Another favorite of mine is McDonald’s.   Of course, heading into my late 30s I really need to curb that love.   I have, in the past, frequented a McDonald’s two or three times a week just because of the Monopoly game going on at the time.  Hoping and praying for that little Boardwalk piece to show up on my large Diet Coke.

But it will never happen and I may have finally turned the corner on that hope.    Let’s face it.  You probably have a better chance at winning the Powerball than you do at hitting that top prize.   That is, of course unless it’s the year 2000 and you know Jerome Jacobson.  He’s the guy that was the chief of security for the sub contracted company hired by McDonald’s to handle the organization and promotion of the game.  He pulled out all the rare pieces and handed them out to associates who then would go and claim most of the top prizes that year.     I had no idea what these “rare” pieces were about.  I was under the impression that there were pieces just scattered about and it was luck of finding them.

But I learned the hard way.   In 2006, I made a trip to San Francisco on business and our meeting space was right next to a McDonald’s.   During lunch breaks I made the trek across the parking lot for a Ranch BLT Chicken sandwich, large fry and diet coke.  Hey, I’m a cheap date when it comes to business expenses.  However, I don’t know how my employer would have felt about me possibly winning a million dollars on their dime.    Not like they had anything to worry about anyway, but still.    My thinking at this time was that perhaps it was a regional issue.  Maybe the pieces were split up among regions.  Perhaps pieces like Park Place were distributed into the East while Boardwalk was sent into the West.  Maybe, by getting pieces from different parts of the country I could put together a winning set.   Unfortunately, in the age of the Internet, this is a highly unlikely scenario because communications about those pieces would flow back and forth creating opportunities for people to make deals with others holding the complementary pieces.   However, the deception is even greater than that.

Turns out, in case you didn’t know already, there are these “rare” pieces.  For each set of properties, including railroads, there is one piece that is considered rare, usually the last property in a set by alphabetical organization.    The exception is Boardwalk which is the last property in the arrangement of the game as well as the most expensive.    I haven’t seen all the statistics but my guess would be, that out of all the game pieces in circulation, Park Place has the highest number of appearances.  Why?  Because that entices people to keep playing. “Hey, if I have Park Place, then I only need to get Boardwalk to win.”   Since Boardwalk is a rare piece, you’ll never see it and at the end of the contest, you’ll be holding fifteen Park Places and an extra 15 pounds instead.

A few years later, I had not learned my lesson and continued to purchase unhealthy meals in hopes of finding the elusive rare pieces.  In fact, I escalated my obsession into keeping all the pieces and playing online.   The online version of the game allowed you to enter in the codes listed on the pieces for a roll of the dice.  As you moved around the virtual board, you picked up properties and other items.  The rolls always seem to put just to one side of the last piece needed to win, another carrot dangled.  In the end of that promotion year, I ended up winning a ringtone for my phone. Oooh, I’m a big winner, huh?  Turns out, it was a Sprint led promotion and I have Verizon wireless.    Bummer for me.  I ended up writing them to complain about it and in exchange for winning the incompatible ring tone, they gave me a free game download, which was a joke.  It was a flash game in which you had to slide blocks in certain directions and in a certain order so that you could move your cell phone shaped game piece along a straight line and out of the board through an opening.  I then learned that even the roll of the dice was not random.   The outcome of the dice rolls are scripted to randomly select moments when they could result in a player landing on a winning square.  There are even instances where the game would crash if you did complete a set of properties.  That’s all gone now as it is simply a random choice of cards.  No dice rolling or board advancement is involved.

So, over the last couple years I’ve given up on the whole scheme because every time I would go to the store, my choices for food with game pieces were limited to stuff I could care less about and half the time, that particular location would always be out of the containers holding game pieces.   That’s not to say that people aren’t figuring out ways to win or at least make money off the game.

There are blogs, message boards, forums, and a number of websites devoted to tips and tricks to winning.  In fact, there were even free game pieces by mail (along with a SASE, so that’s almost a dollar in postage) which could hold another 15 Park Places.  For awhile I had a bunch of Best Buy Bucks or discounts from Foot Locker if I spent a certain amount.  Truly, can anyone see the value added by wasting time on this game?   Instead of spending the money on McDonald’s, unless you naturally go there a lot, why not use that money to buy what you want at those stores.  Best Buy no longer gets involved and I didn’t even know Foot Locker was still around.

But beyond the actual purchasing of food to win money, there is a subset of people who are using the contest as a way to scam people into thinking they can win.   I will give humanity credit because they are getting somewhat smarter but a few years ago EBay was rife with scam auctions promising you an edge to winning.  First of all, there is the cheaply listed rare pieces list that gets emailed to you for the low price of $0.99.  In this scam, hucksters promise you a competitive edge to winning by identifying the rare pieces in the game and a few tricks and tips to winning more prizes.  First of all, the rare pieces are easy to list.  In fact, that information is available for free, everywhere.  All it takes is a simple search.

There are outrageous Buy It Now auctions listed for hundreds of thousands of dollars.  The item for sale is Park Place.  The piece that is everywhere and everyone always has was being sold for up to $500,000 because someone thought that “Hey, I have Park Place and could sell it for half the winnings because some idiot might believe that they can find Boardwalk on their own.”   That’s true dickery, there, and I know dickery.     LOL.

I guess the lesson to be learned here is that corporations that run contests like this are not looking to really pay out to a winner.  The quicker consumers learn that the better.   Yes, it’s fun to play and get caught up in the machine but realistically, understand this.  McDonald’s is out to make money, just like everyone else.  The contest has been set up to maximize revenue on their part by continually enticing people to play through promotion and marketing, i.e. the prevalence of Park Place in nearly every cup or container that has game pieces on them.   The online version is just as  controlled, or rigged if you wish to believe it, to only pay out a certain amount of low level prizes.  People, smarter than us, sit in boardrooms and come up with plans to maximize buy in and minimize pay outs.  Remember that, in most cases, all chances of winning are subject to randomness based upon odds that are in favor of the house, i.e. rare pieces.

To give you a different analogy, imagine that the instant win pieces on items are akin to prizes won at a “Guess Your Weight” game in an amusement park. You pay $2.00 and the attendant guesses something about you and gets it wrong. You walk away with a sombrero or blow up toy. You feel pretty proud of yourself for being able to fool the guesser. However, that item you are so proud of owning only costs a fraction of what you paid to get it. Go back and watch The Jerk. There’s a hilarious exchange between Steve Martin and a guest where explains what they can actually win. That’s the same philosophy here. A scale game at an amusement park is always going to come out ahead because the cost of any item is always going to be a small fraction of what the game costs.


In fact, the attendants aren’t there to be psychic or somehow intuitive. They don’t even have to get it right half the time. They are they to get you to play. They use their people skills to draw in a crowd of people to watch them. They use their people skills to get someone to play. When that person wins it makes others feel confident that they can win and that means more revenue coming in and low cost toys going out. Those items are then used as free publicity and promotion to pull other guests in when they see someone walking around with the prize they won at a scale. Put that in terms of McDonald’s Monopoly and you can see how the machine works and why it’s silly to imagine yourself with a million dollar payday. The online version used to advertise winners on screen while you were playing as a tool to get you to play. Who knows if these people really existed. It doesn’t matter, it’s the power of suggestion. They won, so I can win.


It’s just food for thought.


Here's some more food for thought.
How many Big Mac's do you have to eat to win X prize?
How are you faring at McDonald's Monopoly

Madison Avenue Death Camps

There is a movement that has been sweeping the country in the past few years. Ultra-nutjob-extremist groups have been targeting and rounding up those they consider to be problematic individuals. These individuals do not look like the rest of us and therefore they are deemed undesirable. Additionally, these groups believe that the actions of these “individuals” are responsible for degradation of our youth and our values and must be eradicated.

In 1992, these extremists began their crusade against an individual. Not only did they disapprove of their public perception, they also disapproved of the lifestyle of a female parading as a male in public. The individual disappeared and mysteriously died of kidney failure the following year. Four years later, an individual by the name of Joe was targeted and removed from the public eye, never to be seen again. He was thought to have led to the corruption of minors. Five years prior, they began these extremists began their crusade against these Since then, the phasing out of these public personas has taken place without intervention and now they have set their sights on what they believe is Public Enemy Number One. If we allow them to take out this intended target then there will be no stopping them.

Ronald McDonald has been a corporate icon for the McDonald’s Corporation since 1963. He is now being pushed into retirement by a group known as Corporate Accountability International. They feel that McDonald’s has been using the friendly faced clown as an enticement for children to eat and crave fast food. Well, duh?!?!?!   Come on, it’s a frickin’ clown. Who else are they marketing to?  You want to go one step further?  Who the hell is the demographic for Happy Meals?   The damn thing comes with a burger, fries, soft drink and toy!   Of course, that is by choice not the only option when it comes to picking the meal.  

To say that Ronald McDonald is the leading cause for the increasing levels of obesity among children is like saying that the lingerie section in the Sears catalog is leading cause of sex addiction. While it may be true that kids eat too much fast food, it’s not because a damn clown said to. It’s because the parents buy it. Unless these kids are taking their allowance money and riding their big wheels to McDonald’s I don’t think they are doing the buying. That being said, if they DID DO THAT, we probably wouldn’t have an obesity problem because these kids would be getting exercise going to the Golden Arches.

Why is it that these nut jobs keep blaming corporations for what’s wrong in the world. I admit I have no warm fuzzies for huge, multibillion dollar/cannot fail type corporations and I’m sure that there are a lot of things being done wrong within the walls of HQ but to blame them outright for a problem that has started in the home is ridiculous. Look, I go to McDonald’s and I have a child. She hasn’t acquired a taste for hamburger yet and pretty much eats only the cheese from the sandwich but I agree that it’s not healthy for any of us. We go as a reward for doing something especially good and we go mostly so she can play on the slide. In other words we go to a fast food restaurant for her to get exercise. They one getting fatter is me and I’m old enough to make my own decisions not ones based on clown influence. Besides, most kids are scared of clowns. Hell, my kid is afraid of Santa but will walk up to a six foot tall mutant mouse named Chuckee and kiss him on his fake oversized nose. She loves the mouse not the pizza.

Back in 1992 and 1997 when Spuds Mackenzie and Joe Camel were given pink slips the claim was that the visage of these anthropomorphic mascots was contributing to underage alcohol and tobacco use. Still, the safeguards for preventing this consumption was in place. You had to be of a certain age and furnish identification in order to obtain these vices. The fact that the usage of these things was so prevalent among teens and underage children wasn’t so much the fault of the lovable and cuddly mascots on the advertisements but the safeguards in place failed to prevent the acquisition of such things. Fake IDs, lazy or incompetent store clerks, PEER PRESSURE and oh, heaven forbid, unaware or uncaring parents were failing to protect the impressionable.

If you want to ban something, ban kids. Peer pressure and desire to imitate role models is far more of an incentive to do something. They learn it by watching others who they look up to and they want to emulate that behavior. It could be their parents or that older kid who looks cool lighting up a cigarette. They get into these bad habits and form addictions either because of the nature of the behavior or the drug itself has addictive properties.

And since we can’t ban kids, let’s ban professional athletes. The recent indiscretions of my own state’s team is enough cause to shield the impressionable youth from their off the field antics. When a kid with an Internet connection can read a twitter feed from their favorite football player and see the atrocious use of language and demeanor towards women and another kid can come home from school wearing their favorite quarterback’s jersey and ask their parents, “What’s sexual harassment?” Then we know that there has to be some type of intervention. But it has to be on the parents’ part, not the pro or anti groups.

But back to food, my favorite vice. This attack on corporate mascots is a veiled attempt to somehow correct the problem that parents do not take care of their kids. They give them too much freedom and convenience and expect them to make the right decision before they have the maturity to do so.

I’m just as guilty. My kid has way too much awareness of the English language and she’s not even three. But I do not blame shows like The Family Guy for teaching my child the word douche bag. I blame myself for allowing her to watch The Family Guy at an age where she absorbs anything that makes me laugh, when I see it, and then wishes to be funny and see her Daddy giggle uncontrollably. We don’t watch it anymore and the effects are still apparent and she knows that it’s wrong but we’re slowly reaching her with our admonishment of that sort of behavior. But we try to do other things, continually, to get her into the habit of eating better foods. We are still working at it and admittedly she doesn’t get all the good foods that she should.

Who’s next, Ernie the elf. Him and the other Keebler elves will be rounded up and forced to stop selling cookies. Their only chance for a sustainable income will be to get their own show on TLC like Little People Big World, The Little Couple, Our Little Life, and Little Chocolatiers. Honestly, what the hell is going on with TLC, they’ve suddenly become The Lilliputian Channel. Then, look out Jack in the Box and Chester Cheetah. If Ronald falls you are on notice. They’ll be coming by and putting you on a train to the Little Debbie Death Camps.

Behold The Mongo Burger

My love of the Baconator is epic if not sad, but that can’t be the pot of saturated fat end of the Lipitor rainbow.. Just for fun why not build my own burger just for the hell of it.

Now to lead into this I entreat you to recall John Candy eating the old 96er from The Great Outdoors. Then, go on ahead to Clearfield, PA and try out Ye Olde 96er at a place called Denny’s Beer Barrel Pub. These guys are a nutritionist’s worst nightmare. They have speed records to be broken by eating 2lb and 3lb burgers and all the way up to 15lbs. By the way, that 96er that I mentioned was just eaten in less than 2 and a half hours by a teenager in December. He also ate the 15lb burger in 4 and a half hours. Pass the Tums.

“Look at the size of the maggots on that meat.”

Anywho, back to the Mongo Burger. In the age of full disclosure of nutritional value, it might be of importance to flip over your carton of fries and look at the table on the back, or the bottom of that cardboard box your burger came in, provided you can see through the soaked in grease stains. The numbers are astounding. It’s insane how bad fast food is for us and don’t even get me started on McDonald’s salads. But just for fun go to Burger King’s site and do a little mad scientist work of your own.
It might be hard to navigate but simply put click on this link and build your own.

The consumerist has been having some fun with this site and why not? After all, it’s like catching a glimpse at your own salty, meaty death. You can choose any sandwich like the Triple Whopper and then take away or add on things like extra meat, chicken, fish, cheese, sauce, bacon, onions, bacon, lettuce, tomato, bacon, mayonnaise, bacon, and even bacon. Then check out the nutritional value of your creation and even try to order it. You could create the Land, Sea and Air sandwich. It’s rumored to be on the ”secret” list of menu items that only the true fast foodies know about. Or anyone with an Internet connection, anyways. The LSA sandwich is a beef, chicken, and fish patty on a bun, presumably with mayonnaise, ketchup and tartar sauce as well. It’s definitely not Lent friendly.

For my own, I created the Mongo Burger which has four whopper patties, four orders of bacon, three slices of cheese, extra, extra mayonnaise and tops out at 1830 calories, 135g of fat, 48g sat. fat, 350mg of cholesterol, 47g of carbs, and 2220mg of sodium. Dear god, just have the ambulance on its way.

Supersize my Lipitor while you're at it.

The Oh My Colon Burger From The Consumerist Article

Now whether or not BK would actually make the thing is debatable. This could be just a fun way to get people to buy a regular sized salt meaty death. Burger King certainly has better marketing skills than say McDonald’s. These are the people that brought you The King who still terrifies and titillates me in a way I will never shake from my psyche. Not to mention there was the subservient chicken which I believe is the answer to which came first between it and chat roulette. The ability to custom order your demise is more likely a gimmick for fun than it is to actually order said death. However. there is an “Add To Your Order” button, but I’m sure someone with an ounce of common sense would say, “No way, chunky butt.” If they do, BK’s slogan of “Have It Your Way” may apply to your funeral arrangements as well with buried, cremated, or flame broiled.

“That ain't the last bite!”

“Well sure it is, there is nothing on that plate but gristle and fat!”

Check please?