WUMF: May Edition

Another month, another WUMF.   So, what's happening my little droogies?

That much, huh?

May has been one of those weird months. I probably say that every WUMF update but really, May was weird.

1. Mother Nature is ragging it extra hard.
I know I added Mother Nature to the list of nominees for the d-bag of the year award in my last update. But May was an even bigger nature fail. Between the flooding along the mighty Mississippi to the destructive tornadoes that ravaged Joplin, Missouri, Mother Nature has been asserting her will upon us. Somewhere, Mark Wahlberg is saying the trees are out to get us.

Remember, you can donate to the Red Cross by texting 90999 from your mobile phone or by going to the Red Cross website and donating from there, if you’re like me and don’t have a data plan.

2. From Super Bowl MVP to Mirror Ball Champ
This past season of Dancing With the Stars was a little more exciting than the past couple. First of all, I wasn’t planning on ever watching the show again because that was my Mother-in-law’s thing. We would all go out to dinner on Tuesday nights and have to get our asses moving so she could see the elimination. Frankly, that show could be condensed into one hour. They really drag things out and plug a lot of commercials for it which is a drag for me.

However, since it was announced that Hines Ward would be competing, I figured I’d give it another go. Still, I would just put my cable box on ABC and do whatever. Then I would go back and find his dances, watch them and move on to something else. Usually, I am on the Wii with my Father-in-law hunting any manner of animal and would pause to go back and let my wife watch the dances.

Both those concepts bring me to my entire point. With the NFL in lockout mode, the athletes are kind of just left out in the cold. While other Steelers are tweeting and making the PR team within the front office spin their heads around, Hines did something constructive, if not a bit egotistical. He went out in front of millions of people and entered a dancing competition.

Now, there are guys; those manly man with man hands, rough from working in the pits of blue collar America who will sit there and say, “Yinz are crazy if yinz think I’m gonna be watchin’ Hines twirl arahnd like a ballerina on that Dancing show, n’at.” Fine. Be that way.

Then there are those guys that think that Hines being on DWTS somehow makes him less of a man. Well, especially since he cried real manly tears after his partner got hurt. However, I dare any one of those supposed butch men to walk up to Lynn Swann or Eric Dickerson and call them something akin to being soft. See how well that goes for you. Ballroom or Latin dancing is not akin to putting on tights and prancing around on Swan Lake. It is a workout. It is a hard thing. It is manly. It takes a lot of skill and discipline to do the amount of work he did in the amount of time he had to do it. Lay off of him for that. Besides, we know you watched when he was in the finals. Come out of the television reality/competition closet and admit it. He was good. He deserved to win. However, I don’t think Pittsburgh needs to have a parade to celebrate that fact.

The fact is that if there is a football season, this year, Hines will be in better shape at training camp than he’s been in years. Truthfully, he’s going to need it to continue to compete against the young guys.


3. Not a Fan
As I have said before I listen to 93.7 The Fan on my way to and from work. I am not usually a guy who would call into a show because a lot of the Fan is bullshit. They start these inane topics, sometimes one that incite certain feelings on either end of the spectrum baiting people to call in to air their opinion. Half of the time, they pull the pin on a grenade and then toss it into a Zambelli warehouse and watch the show.

Case in point, they ran a topic a couple of weeks ago asking fans to weigh in on who their most hated sports figure is. It would be easy for me to say Tom Brady, Chad Johnson or Ray Lewis. But I had a more entertaining story to tell. That is one I have often told to people as well as posting it on this blog.

How funny would it be to get onto a live radio program and tell them that I hate Rocky Bleier? I don’t, of course. I would simply tell the tale of how my wife hates Rocky Bleier, even to this day. It’s an awesome story with a great ending. So, I called in to the show. I actually got through on the third try and they put me on hold.

The thing to remember about calling into this show is that their hold music is the show, so you can turn down your radio to eliminate feedback, considering they are on a delay in order to be able to censor anything inappropriate. So, I sat in traffic from the Forbes Ave exit through the Squirrel Hill tunnels, waiting to get on the air. During this time, Joe Starkey, John Seibel and Josh Miller all bandied around their picks and their critiques of other people’s picks. They went to a few commercials and really didn’t take a lot of calls, infuriating me.

As to not sound like a jackass, which I am prone to do in public speaking venues if I don’t rehearse; I ran through my tale to cut it down for time and clarity. After waiting about 20 minutes, I had the feeling they were finally coming to me. Then I heard, “Was that [my name] we cut off…” and the phone went dead.

I waited twenty minutes to be hung up on by a D-bag DJ. Thanks a lot guys. I had an awesome story and you blew it. I will never call in again… well, maybe once to tell Ron Cook and Andrew Fillipponi they are the biggest idiots in sports radio.

4. The Rapture That Wasn't
We all survived.  Didn't we?  I was a little worried there because the Monday and Tuesday after the supposed Rapture, I saw little traffic on my way to and from work.  For about a minute I was convinced that maybe it did happen and I could coast my way in under an hour.   No such luck.  By Wednesday, traffic was back to normal and on Friday, it took me over two hours to get home. 

It was unreal.  I didn't find out about an accident at Edgewood / Swissvale until I was past the I-79 exit.  Not that it would have mattered since there was an accident at the S-curve of I-79 North, backing up traffic there.   I hit the standstill at the end of the Fort Pitt Bridge and made the gutsy move to try and traverse downtown in favor of the Strip District in order to go through Bloomfield and Shadyside.   That was a big mistake, too.   I made it to Point Breeze and Penn Ave was at a standstill because of an accident up in Wilkinsburg.  I was sitting at lights sometimes two or three cycles long.  I eventually decided to bypass traffic using a side street.   Here's a tip for you, if you ever try doing this, always turn right.   I turned left and when I decided to get back on Penn, I had to fight against traffic to turn left and nearly got creamed by a PAT bus looking to run the red light.

Anyway, back to the Rapture.  When is the class action lawsuit, I wonder.  After all, Harold Camping made a ton of money off of promoting the coming of the rapture.  Granted, he neither explicitly asked for money and what monies he did receive were mostly used for advertising.  However, he probably came away with a lot of cash for his radio network and organization.  So, my question is, "What does God need with a starship?" 

That obscure reference is to Star Trek V: The Final Frontier.  In the inferior, odd numbered, sequel in the series, the Enterprise is hijacked in order to find the location of Sha Ka Ree, the place of creation in the universe.  On the planet, they supposedly find God who needs a starship to leave the planet.  Well, you get the idea.   My use of that quote asks what does Harold Camping need with money if he plans to be taken in the Rapture?  He can't spend it.  He can't take it with him.  

So, why do people feel compelled to give him money?   Are they simply adults who are capable of their own actions or are they people who have been suckered based upon the playing on their devout beliefs of salvation through cryptic biblical references?   For the most part I think people should be responsible for their own actions but if a relative of mine was duped in a scam because they went after a weak spot in their armor, like family or faith, you better believe I'd be on the scammer like a fat kid on cake. 

In any case, we get another shot in October for Camping to be right.  And when that day comes to pass and we're all still here, maybe someone will go after this guy full force.   He was wrong in 1994 and didn't make another prediction until 2011.  Now, he's got a second prediction six months away.  Seems if he knows his time on this Earth is about up and I don't think because he knows when the Rapture is.





And that’s another WUMF update for you. See you next month.

Where Have You Gone, Sam Malone?

It’s not that often that my wife will engage in a philosophical discussion about television with me. After all, she is on the board of trustees to the “I Married a Pop Cult Dork” corporation. However, we both do have some mutual favorite shows amidst the sea of crap that has proliferated the airwaves. Our top favorite is Supernatural followed by LOST, Chuck,Bones, Family Guy, and the new Captain Tight Pants (aka Nathan Fillion) series, Castle. Older shows that still clutter my DVR like Desperate Housewives and Grey’s Anatomy have slowly degraded in quality or we just don’t have time to watch them. In any case, it was during one of these shows that we truly enjoy that my wife asked the question, “Compared to 20 years ago, does television suck more now?

I actually did a double take. Did she know she was opening up Pandora’s Cable Box? Was she serious? Does she actually want to have this conversation? Then I thought about it. The answer wasn’t as easy as I thought. Did 80’s television shows provide more quality entertainment than today’s lineup? Wow. It was the equivalent to the sound of a one handed, live studio audience member clapping.

I traced my brain for information. I liken my retention of Pop Culture trivia to that of the warehouse from Raiders of the Lost Ark. Somewhere near the recollection of an argument I had about old Charles in Charge with Beans Baxter versus the new Charles in Charge with Josie “I grew up even more smoking hot than Nicole Eggert” Davis and a similar argument between Old Baywatch and New Baywatch, I found it. The lineup of the original shows I used to adore. Let’s see…and remember, for most of these I was under the age of ten and watched them during their initial run…there was St. Elsewhere, Hill Street Blues, Cheers, M*A*S*H, The Cosby Show, Night Court, Growing Pains (Pre Leo DiCaprio), Hart to Hart, The A-Team, Miami Vice, Different World, Knight Rider, MacGyver, and Family Ties (pre Brian Bonsall). I’m sure there are plenty of others but we can only do so much with the time we are given here at M.A.M.S. Anyway, I looked at that list and compared it to today’s shows. After the third CSI and Law & Order, I gave up. My wife may be on to something here. And let it be noted that two of those 80’s shows exist today, Knight Rider and MacGyver….oh wait, I mean MacGruber.

Taking a closer look, I can remember each one of those shows complete with specific moments burned into my hippocampus. There was Uncle Ned’s alcohol addiction on Family Ties that had me wondering what Vanilla Extract really tasted like. Was Crockett ever going to remember who he really was? I drooled over Teri Hatcher before she ever became a Desperate Housewife and was merely Penny Parker, the singing sensation of Cleo Rocks on MacGyver. There was even a brief series called Otherworld that made Battlestar Galactica’s mythology look like Clash of the Titans. Yet, were these shows really quality entertainment or were they merely a Play-Doh fun factory of processed cheese positioned directly above our brains?

I guess it is really a matter of opinion. Today, reality shows and other non scripted shows clutter up the airwaves. For every Survivor (The First Season) there are ten clones like Pirate Master. The odd thing about these shows that they’ve been on television less than 10 years yet boast more than 10 seasons (Survivor is on like 18.) I think there should be some sort of disqualification right then and there. Yet, for all its time travelling, mind screw job mythology, and unanswered questions, LOST is perhaps the best written show on regular television. Compared to 20 years ago, anything is bound to sound cheesy. The music was kitsch, the plotlines were transparent and wrapped up inside a standard episode time frame. Yet, it seemed as if the shows, and more importantly, the decade lasted much longer than it really did. Now, unlike my wife, I never watched shows like Dynasty and Falcon Crest which did run nearly the length of the 80’s, but the difference is that she saw them in syndication. I’m old enough to have seen almost every episode of M*A*S*H* in its first run, including the series finale when it originally aired.

The amount of really good TV vs. on par entertainment was maybe a ratio of 1:3. But there were sitcoms and dark dramas. Not like today where there’s maybe a handful of actual good sitcoms, five cop shows, two medical dramas, and 16 reality competition shows. Now, there was a few non scripted shows. We had Real People and That’s Incredible…I remember getting a Domino Rally set when I was a kid with a contraption that set the dominoes up for you as you pushed it along. The dominoes were so cheap and flimsy that they fell over once they emerged from the chute. My dreams of setting up an intricate and complex arrangement of dominoes like the one done underwater were shattered as every injected molded domino floated off the bottom of the tub.

Today, most shows last two or three seasons before they turn to crap like Grey’s Anatomy has. The Simpsons is a big exception. ER is another exception but I got tired of watching after Dr. Green died and every episode was marketed as “The biggest shocker” or “You won’t believe what happens” each week. But is there any original cast members left? The last episode I remember watching was when Noah Wylie’s character had a drug problem. Now we have crazy, wacked out doctors having sex with imaginary dead boyfriends. So, maybe the quality has dropped. But then again, the 80’s gave us a pre HIMYM NPH as Doogie Howser, MD, which inspired many kids my age to take up writing our deepest thoughts and dreams on a personal computer, while listening to pre-recorded synth pop melodies on a Casio keyboard in the backgrounds of our bedroom. Kids today are probably still trying to figure out what the hell Neil Patrick Harris was doing in that skit from Saturday Night Live playing the keyboard.

Back in the 80's, we had William Katt in spandex flailing around the sky in The Greatest American Hero. Today, we have William Katt being frozen on Heroes. Trying to become relevant again are we Kring? In my opinion, and yes I will write each and every word of that phrase out, the problem with those lightning in a bottle shows like Heroes and LOST is that they get created by some genius who then turns the show over to a group of other people to produce because they’re off trying to create a new franchise on which to reinvent the wheel using parts already found on their previous shows. The exception is LOST which found its footing again when they came up with an exit strategy after the disastrous Nikki and Paulo season. In all honesty, that really saved the show. Now, instead of trying to give the audience little carrots every season while creating new mysteries to keep the show going, they can plot out the ending and work backwards to logically solve all the riddles built up from day one. See George Lucas’ folly with the prequel Star Wars trilogy. He wanted to tell the story of how Darth Vader grew up from innocent and cute slave boy to bad ass cyborg who force choked his way to the top of the Empire Career Ladder. When you spend an entire movie setting up the kid as a lovable scamp and the chess pieces for the Clone Wars, you end up having to cram 20 years of mythology into two movies to advance the story up until the birth of Luke and Leia. There’s just too much story.

Boy have I digressed. In the end everything ends up being about Star Wars. So, wrapping this whole nonsensical diatribe up, my wife was right in a sense. Television shows in the 80’s were better for the entertainment. I think the writing and plot design has come a long way from being able to make an Ultra Light out of a cement mixer, fan blade, and garbage bags but, for the money, you can’t get better than shows about android little girls whose delivery of lines are Emmy worthy compared to that of Patricia Arquette on Medium. Now, if you’ll excuse me I have go into my brain and check on the examination being conducted to find out which show had the more special “very special episode,” Mr. Belvedere’s episode entitled Wesley’s Friend where Wesley’s friend Danny contracts AIDS through blood transfusion like Ryan White or Different Strokes’ episode entitled The Bicycle Man where Arnold ditches Dudley with Gordon Jump the molester complete with Jesus Juice. Who is conducting the research on this? We have top men working on it now. Top. men.

Pop Rock Culture mixed with Pepsi

It's an explosive combination.    Ok, I really didn't have anything concrete to give you.  I just thought of the old story where supposedly Mikey, from the Life Cereal commercials, died from cosuming the mixture Pop Rocks and Pepsi.  I figured this was a lethal post since it has no point.   Truth is, the weather is starting to get nice and I'm getting a little bit of cabin fever.  So, let's take a random look in my brain and see what the hell is going on in there.   I caution you.  My brain is not the place most people really want to find themselves inside.  It's scary in there.   I should come with a plastic bag warning as it is.

 

Ok, here we go.

 

Thoughts on a pregnant man.

We've all heard the story about Thomas Beatie becoming pregnant.  As this story progesses, I wonder if these questions will be addressed?

• Does he still see an OB/GYN?
  
• Does he get maternity leave?
  
• Does he get to park in the Stork spot at the store?
  
• Will he have a shower? 
  
• What about Maternity Clothes?  Tall and Fat store?
  
• Will his insurance cover this?
  
• Is the HR Benefits Analyst at his place of employment ready to explode?

 

Free Tibet. Turn out the lights.

I confess I do not know enough about the Human Rights situation in China but is it justifiable to attack a poor jogger with a torch?  Do protestors really think if they extinguish the torch the games will be cancelled.  What, does nobody have any matches?  At least one schmuck was smart enough to bring a fire extinguisher.  Others just attempted to walk up and look for the off switch.   Also, do you think you are going to make your point by pulling a Turk 182 on the Golden Gate.  What if you or your buddies would have fallen?  How about if your flipping luggage would have fallen into traffic causing a horrifc car accident, then what?   I get that China does not have a great track record when it comes to Human Rights.  But why punish the atheletes who worked so hard to compete? Torch bearer Marilyn King knows all too well about Olympic adversity.  She was in Munich in 1972 and she also lost her shot to compete in 1980 when the U.S. boycotted the Moscow games.    The games are a chance to be proud of your country.  It's an opportunity to compete instead of blowing each other up.    Be lucky the games aren't here in the U.S. Other countries would probably boycott us and then everybody would be crying foul about that.

 

Plan your next vacation at the Lovely YFZ ranch

Holy crap!?!?!?  I don't know what bothers me more, the fact that place was really well constructed or that a 16 year old girl broke this place wide open when previous violations and fines didn't raise any red flags.  The pictures on the net and 24 hour news cycle make this place look pretty damned cool.  I'm pissed that they stole my Dream House design, though.   In case you are wondering what the hell I'm talking about.  A 16 year old girl anonymously called police stating that she was abused and was married to a 50 year old man along with seven other girls.  Polygamy is banned in Texas as well as marrying under the age of 16.  It's amazing to think that there are people in this country that still believe what they are doing is A: Legal, and B: Right.  I'm no one to judge other people's religious beliefs but this girl was able to borrow a cell phone and know how to use it, but didn't think anything was wrong up until this point.  The best part?  They don't even know if they got her out of the ranch.  Law enforcement offers removed 416 children INCLUDING HERS from the ranch. How much you wanna bet there's only about five or six different last names in that place? 

 

Adam Corolla eliminated from Dancing with the Stars

The biggest travesty since Master P was allowed to stay on Dancing with the Stars.   I'm actually saddened by this.  True, he was the weakest dancer in the bunch but he had a lot of charm and his sense of humor, while dry, was a much needed shot in the arm considering the list of celebrities on the show.

 

Steve Guttenberg:  It's so odd to hear him speak about values and worthwhile television when you consider this is the guy that set Lassard up with a blow job in Police Academy. ELIMINATED

Penn Jillette:  Bigfoot of the dance floor.  He couldn't create the illusion of good dancing. ELIMINATED

Monica Seles: I don't remember her looking so man-ish.  Half expected her to grunt, "HAAAA" while dancing. ELIMINATED

Christian de la Fuente:  Who?  He's in the Chilean Air Force. 

Shannon Elizabeth: She pretty much gave up acting for poker. Being 10 years her junior, her partner Derek Hough wasn't old enough to see her naked in American Pie when it was in theaters.  I'm sure he's seen it since and is awestruck.

Mario Barret:  Who?  He just goes by Mario and I thought they were talking about the Italian Plumber.

Marlee Matlin: .  In season four they had one legged wonder Heather Mills, last season they had Marie Osmond who is brain deficient.  This season we have a Deaf Academy Award Winner.  We're running the gamut of disabilities here.   Next season, I say they get Charlton Heston. 

Priscilla Presley:  Oddly enough, she's very flexible from the neck down.

Marissa Jaret Winokur:  WAY TOO PERKY!  For some reason the judges think that because she won a Tony she should be a natural dancer.  Guess what, so did Angela Lansbury....you want to bet on her against the Yamaguchi?

Christie Yamaguchi:  She's almost a sure bet  to win because she's one of those people......you know.... a natural at this kind of thing.....I'm not being racist, but.....Olympic skaters have that advantage.