Han Didn't Shoot First

It’s an argument for the geek masses. Much like Kirk vs. Picard, Star Trek vs. Star Wars and Jar Jar vs. the Ewoks, some controversies will die hard. The lone gunman theory dominated my parents’ generation and here, in mine, there is the same debate.

This debate, of course, is whether Han Solo shot first in Star Wars: A New Hope.

Most people familiar with the original 1977 film, or at least those purists who denounce the constant re-releases of the films with new or changed scenes, usually agree that Han Solo did indeed shoot first and not after Greedo missed him at point blank range.

To think that Greedo had to fire first in order to preserve Han’s morality is ridiculous. Regardless of the outcome, Han was simply defending himself from a clear and present danger. Greedo intended to kill Han to collect the bounty on his life.

From the word go, people have fought this point and Lucas, feeling he needed to instill a sense of morals in his scruffy looking nerf herder, inserted a laser blast from Greedo as well as a CGI shift in Han’s position to make it look as it was truly a duel instead of homicide. Geeks raged on and the film was edited again to make it appear as if Greedo and Han shot almost simultaneously. Still the debate continued as t-shirts appeared, declaring, “Han Shot First”.

Han Shot First We knew this guy once named Han Liebowitz, and one day at a bar he and this other guy got in a fight, so Han shot him! Crazy!! 100% cotton, heavyweight t-shirt in black with "Han Shot First" in white printed on the front. Check out their comic at pvponline.com.

But this is entirely false.  Han did not shoot first.  Why?

"Greedo Never Shot" T-Shirts & Hoodies by AngryMongo RedBubble:

Need proof?  Here’s the original scene from the 1977 film.

Case closed.

Pop Rock Culture mixed with Pepsi

It's an explosive combination.    Ok, I really didn't have anything concrete to give you.  I just thought of the old story where supposedly Mikey, from the Life Cereal commercials, died from cosuming the mixture Pop Rocks and Pepsi.  I figured this was a lethal post since it has no point.   Truth is, the weather is starting to get nice and I'm getting a little bit of cabin fever.  So, let's take a random look in my brain and see what the hell is going on in there.   I caution you.  My brain is not the place most people really want to find themselves inside.  It's scary in there.   I should come with a plastic bag warning as it is.

 

Ok, here we go.

 

Thoughts on a pregnant man.

We've all heard the story about Thomas Beatie becoming pregnant.  As this story progesses, I wonder if these questions will be addressed?

• Does he still see an OB/GYN?
  
• Does he get maternity leave?
  
• Does he get to park in the Stork spot at the store?
  
• Will he have a shower? 
  
• What about Maternity Clothes?  Tall and Fat store?
  
• Will his insurance cover this?
  
• Is the HR Benefits Analyst at his place of employment ready to explode?

 

Free Tibet. Turn out the lights.

I confess I do not know enough about the Human Rights situation in China but is it justifiable to attack a poor jogger with a torch?  Do protestors really think if they extinguish the torch the games will be cancelled.  What, does nobody have any matches?  At least one schmuck was smart enough to bring a fire extinguisher.  Others just attempted to walk up and look for the off switch.   Also, do you think you are going to make your point by pulling a Turk 182 on the Golden Gate.  What if you or your buddies would have fallen?  How about if your flipping luggage would have fallen into traffic causing a horrifc car accident, then what?   I get that China does not have a great track record when it comes to Human Rights.  But why punish the atheletes who worked so hard to compete? Torch bearer Marilyn King knows all too well about Olympic adversity.  She was in Munich in 1972 and she also lost her shot to compete in 1980 when the U.S. boycotted the Moscow games.    The games are a chance to be proud of your country.  It's an opportunity to compete instead of blowing each other up.    Be lucky the games aren't here in the U.S. Other countries would probably boycott us and then everybody would be crying foul about that.

 

Plan your next vacation at the Lovely YFZ ranch

Holy crap!?!?!?  I don't know what bothers me more, the fact that place was really well constructed or that a 16 year old girl broke this place wide open when previous violations and fines didn't raise any red flags.  The pictures on the net and 24 hour news cycle make this place look pretty damned cool.  I'm pissed that they stole my Dream House design, though.   In case you are wondering what the hell I'm talking about.  A 16 year old girl anonymously called police stating that she was abused and was married to a 50 year old man along with seven other girls.  Polygamy is banned in Texas as well as marrying under the age of 16.  It's amazing to think that there are people in this country that still believe what they are doing is A: Legal, and B: Right.  I'm no one to judge other people's religious beliefs but this girl was able to borrow a cell phone and know how to use it, but didn't think anything was wrong up until this point.  The best part?  They don't even know if they got her out of the ranch.  Law enforcement offers removed 416 children INCLUDING HERS from the ranch. How much you wanna bet there's only about five or six different last names in that place? 

 

Adam Corolla eliminated from Dancing with the Stars

The biggest travesty since Master P was allowed to stay on Dancing with the Stars.   I'm actually saddened by this.  True, he was the weakest dancer in the bunch but he had a lot of charm and his sense of humor, while dry, was a much needed shot in the arm considering the list of celebrities on the show.

 

Steve Guttenberg:  It's so odd to hear him speak about values and worthwhile television when you consider this is the guy that set Lassard up with a blow job in Police Academy. ELIMINATED

Penn Jillette:  Bigfoot of the dance floor.  He couldn't create the illusion of good dancing. ELIMINATED

Monica Seles: I don't remember her looking so man-ish.  Half expected her to grunt, "HAAAA" while dancing. ELIMINATED

Christian de la Fuente:  Who?  He's in the Chilean Air Force. 

Shannon Elizabeth: She pretty much gave up acting for poker. Being 10 years her junior, her partner Derek Hough wasn't old enough to see her naked in American Pie when it was in theaters.  I'm sure he's seen it since and is awestruck.

Mario Barret:  Who?  He just goes by Mario and I thought they were talking about the Italian Plumber.

Marlee Matlin: .  In season four they had one legged wonder Heather Mills, last season they had Marie Osmond who is brain deficient.  This season we have a Deaf Academy Award Winner.  We're running the gamut of disabilities here.   Next season, I say they get Charlton Heston. 

Priscilla Presley:  Oddly enough, she's very flexible from the neck down.

Marissa Jaret Winokur:  WAY TOO PERKY!  For some reason the judges think that because she won a Tony she should be a natural dancer.  Guess what, so did Angela Lansbury....you want to bet on her against the Yamaguchi?

Christie Yamaguchi:  She's almost a sure bet  to win because she's one of those people......you know.... a natural at this kind of thing.....I'm not being racist, but.....Olympic skaters have that advantage.

Chris Webber, you owe me $80!

 AP photo/Susan Ragan

It's that time again, March Madness. I do not claim to be any kind of sports expert, especially when it comes to basketball. When it comes to NCAA sports, basketball, or otherwise, I am really bad. I'm involved in a NFL football pool at my work. It's somewhat easier for me. All I have to do is pick the winner of the games that weekend to win the weekly pot. At the end of the season, the person with the most wins gets an additional pot containing a percentage held from each week. I am not embarrassed to tell you that I've never won a single week, but have once won an end of the season pot. It was the first year we had instituted the end of the year pot and I was persistent enough to play every week regardless to my ignorance of all things sports. Because I played every week and was able to correctly pick 10 or more wins on a consistent basis, I found myself $350 richer. However, this was the one and only time I have ever won. We now have a rule where the person with the least amount of correct picks gets their $5.00 back. I can't even suck enough to get money back. The downside to office pools is that the one person who has to be explained exactly how the system works, including football itself, is usually the person that wins. I can't even be that dumbass.

With NCAA Basketball, I am worse at picking winners. There are 32 teams to keep track of in NFL Football over 17 weeks. I have all means of websites to gauge the health of the players, the statistics between opponents, field conditions, location of game, etc. With College Basketball, there are 65 teams playing over 3 weeks. I can't keep track of everything associated with any one team, especially since you pick all the winners at once. There was a time, once, when I was destined to win a tournament. It was 1993 and I was a senor in high school. I was in a group with about 16 other guys and we drew all the teams out of a hat. We each got 4 teams each. I can only remember two names, the University of South Carolina at Coastal Carolina and Michigan. I remember Coastal Carolina because I had been accepted and was going to attend there in the fall. I remember Michigan, well, for obvious reasons. As the weeks went on during the tournament I was disappointed that my first round of the bracket had two of my teams facing each other and Coastal Carolina had been eliminated. I thought it was fated that I had randomly picked my college destination out of a hat. I had no clue if Michigan was any good. I was playing the odds of coincidence, not actual talent. So, when Michigan slowly moved up the tournament to the top spot, I was excited. I didn't know why but I was.

On the last night of the tournament we gathered at the house of the host of the tournament. I had my little piece of paper with the word Michigan written on it clutched in my hand as the final round was about to be played. Even though I had much at stake, I still didn't follow basketball all that close. I had played for 6 years at the YMCA in grade school, but I wasn't particularly any good. I played forward and was given only two instructions. Get the rebound and pass to the guards. With my limited knowledge of the sport, I opted to play pool with the other guys while I would get score updates from those actually interested in the game. As the game came down to the last few minutes, I became more and more interested. I sat on the edge of my seat as the ball moved from team to team up and down the court. As the final minute begun to tick away, my stomach turned in knots. Michigan had found themselves behind by two points and all that was needed was a nice three point shot to steal victory away from North Carolina.

After a struggle to gain possession of the ball, Palinka fouls Sullivan, giving him a free throw. After Pat Sullivan misses with 19 seconds left on the clock, Chris Webber gets control of the ball and sets up a drive down the court. Seconds ticked off the clock as my heart was about to jump out of his chest. Webber began to get into position and with 11 seconds on the clock, I suddenly yelled at the screen, "CHRIS! What are you doing? You can't call time out, you don't have any more!" My words ceased to breach the television screen and reach his ears. He did, in fact, just call timeout, resulting in a technical foul. North Carolina gets off two empty court shots and possession of the ball results in another shot giving them a win 77-71. My destiny was shattered. 80 bucks went to the guy holding onto North Carolina. My crumpled paper with the word Michigan lay on floor beneath the stomping of my foot. "YOU IDIOT! HOW COULD YOU NOT KNOW HOW MANY TIMEOUTS YOU HAD?" At the age of 18, $80 was a lot of money, and looking back I probably overreacted to the mistake. After all, I was watching the game in the comfort of someone else's living room. I wasn't playing the game. My stress was a bit misplaced and unnecessary. Had I been a college basketball player, I might have made the same mistake. I was simply motivated by the idea that I could actually win a sports pool. I never won anything in my life and here, victory was 11 seconds away if one man could have just made a three point shot. Instead, the pressure of one of the biggest collegiate athletic tournaments got to him in the final seconds and he made an honest error. In essence, that moment was sparing me the real pain I would faced if Michigan would have won. They were later stripped of the 5-1 status for violations and I would have ended up losing the money anyway. Of course, by then, it would have been hard to track me down to give back the cash but it's the principal.

The last minutes of 1993 NCAA Men's Division I Basketball Tournament

Most people are willing to forgive this infraction on C-Webb's part due to his performance in the NBA. While he always has had good numbers and will likely end up in the Hall of Fame one day. Until then, I'll keep twisting that little pin in my Webber voodoo doll like the Maharajah in Temple of Doom. He's pretty much been cursed since his days at Michigan. But still, you think with the money he's pulling as a professional basketball player, he'd be able to part with the $80 he owes me. Then I could put all this nastiness behind me and work towards my next bit of justice. I must track down Rocky Bleier. He stole my wife's Christmas tree when she was a kid. You think I'm kidding?