Emails Written That Will Never Be Sent

Today marks the one year anniversary of the passing of my mother-in-law. In true of our relationship, I’ll compose an email that will never get sent. We both worked for the same company up until her death and we usually communicated via email throughout the day.

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Good morning,

Well, the bad news is that you’re still gone. That sucks. There’s been a ton of stuff that you would have gotten a kick out of over the last year. I’ll make sure to send another message with attached pictures. You’ll love them.


April
Yeah, not much to report here. April really sucked. The rest of the year sucked as well, but April was definitely the worst. Nice work with the tree by the way. A week after you go and a damn storm took out Moyer’s shed. What the hell was that all about? Was that a sign that he needed to get that tree out of there or get the shed redone? Well, it’s still there, even though my dad and uncle came over late in the year to help get rid of the tree. Hopefully, we can get it figured out once the year dries up.

Your grave site is very nice. It seems morbid to talk about that but you would have loved it. We will spend a lot of time visiting and taking Bailey to feed the ducks and the fish at the pond. Also, on another morbid note, I took the opportunity to get our own plots. It’s very unsettling to think I now have a final resting place. After all, I figured I would live forever. I mean that quite literally. I’m sure I’m wrong, given all the health issues I will probably face. It’s also unsettling to think that not only does your daughter have one; your granddaughter does, as well. I hope we never have to use any of them.


May
First of all, Mother’s Day really sucked, although, Bailey managed to keep us laughing with her little bits of cuteness. She made sure we sent some balloons to Kevin’s for you.

Moyer’s birthday had a little celebration to it. We did a dual birthday for him and Ronnie. Vail made an impression on Bailey and now she includes him in her prayers.

Oh yeah, and someone took your cell phone number. I know. Pisses me off, too. Because I have those meat hook banana hands I often find myself pushing your speed dial number when I try to call someone and it gives me a moment of sadness.

Well, at least you’d be happy with Moyer for breaking out the Wii. Sucks that it took your death to get us to do that. He and I spend most evenings shooting everything in sight on the games we play. Bailey loves the one we have, House of the Dead 2 and 3. I know it’s probably not good for a three year old to be seeing that but she understands the difference between games and real life and isn’t scared by it. She calls it the ‘booby guy game.’ There is a bit where a few, very large, shirtless zombie men come after you. Yes, the kid is nuts.

June
The trip to beach was bittersweet. You would have loved the house we had and cracked up at the sounds of gunshots that echoed through the neighborhood when we fired up the Wii with Cabela’s 2010 and forgot to check the volume knobs for the surround sound, outside of the house.

You also missed the cavalcade of steaks I cooked up. I know you’ve had this thing about meat, especially beef and I hope that you’ve learned, ironically, how short life is and to not worry about stuff like that. For all the concern over lemons and beef and other things, it was the stupid blood thinner that caused you the biggest problem. Still, the steaks were awesome and I would have made you eat one because we had so damn many of them leftover.

 

You would have also gotten a kick out of crabbing. It was a bit pointless since we didn’t catch enough to eat but still, it was an interesting process. Damn things bit me. As soon as it happened, I could just faintly hear the snort and laugh that would have come out of you.

You also missed another great moment. Jeremy visited and brought along his girlfriend. She’s a keeper. I think you would have agreed. They’ll be with us this year. We took a trip up to the 4x4 section and you would have liked it. You’re probably a little pissed that you can’t go this year and see the house we’re getting. I know you are not a big fan of the pool temp when it’s not heated and it would have been a bit cold. However, we have a plan.

Lastly, you truly missed out on Captain George’s. You would have been knee deep in that flan. Looking forward to going there again, next year. Unfortunately, being in the four wheel drive section will limit us to probably one visit this time.

Oh, and you can blame me for your grave marker. I know, somewhere, your saying, “Asshole”, for my benefit. You’re welcome. Hey, they disregarded my first suggestion which was, “How am I doing?”


July
Like always, you have a way with throwing a party and you are probably upset that you can’t add your personal touch. Bailey had a wonderful birthday and even Fourth of July was fun for the most part. You would have liked the fireworks from our vantage point.


August and September
The only thing of note is seeing what has happened around here… work I mean. Yes, there is a bit of mass exodus. Doesn’t surprise me, considering. I’m still looking and getting tired of doing it. You know of my pursuit to find a better career and all I can say is, maybe you got lucky. I mean the early retirement not the permanent one… I’ve even expanded my search to start up companies. I know how you feel about that idea. Don’t think I haven’t completely thought about what that would mean. It could disintegrate in an instant. Believe me, your voice is in the back of my head harping about benefits and security and everything. Just know that for every start up that folds because they can’t hack it, there is probably another large, well established company that has just outsourced another sector of its workforce to save a buck. I may face the same reality that you did when we got bought. It’s coming. I don’t know when, but it’s a matter of time and you know as well as I do that I’d be on the chopping block. We’d both be, especially since you aren’t here to protect us.

I’m sorry about Woody. Well, at least, he’s with you, now, if you actually did make it somewhere. He was just too sick and it’s not like he was getting any younger. He was 24 years old. Unfortunately, your prediction that your mother and that cat would outlive you came true. She’s fine by the way. Anyway, it was just another stupid moment of 2010 that I wish we could have avoided. Poor little bastard. I was supposed to be there with your daughter for moral support and I was the one who came unglued. Too much death this year.


October
This is when it really sucks. It’s the beginning of the holiday season. I think you would have loved Bailey’s outfit, a little ladybug. She had her first real trick or treating adventure. The men toughed it out here, giving out treats as usual, but we had an added bonus. We used your gift from Christmas to keep us warm. I know it probably makes you go, “What the hell?”, when you realize that you gave us the fire pit 10 months ago and we finally used it, now. We did use it a couple of times over the summer but the real test was using it on Halloween. You would have been in there with a marshmallow, making your own smores. As usual, your little girl did you proud. I know that there is always that moment when she wishes she could ask you for help in cooking or putting together a party. I know we sort of suck at it, but she is her mother’s daughter. Genetics plays a huge roll and she’s taken the mantle very adeptly.

Also, I know you are probably a bit disappointed in us over dinners. Believe me, I show the biggest amount of collateral damage of your death. I’ve gained almost 30 pounds since April. When I saw the pictures of me as Thing 1 from Halloween, I realized how bad looked. I also realized how bad I felt after trying to carry Bailey up the steps after another fat filled dinner out at a restaurant or fast food joint. I’m going to start trying to lose weight. I mean seriously lose some weight.

It sucks because we never eat at your place anymore. Part of it is because it’s still too raw of a wound to poke at. The other is that we just simply don’t cook and we can’t expect Moyer to do it all. He’s still working, ya know. Yet, I think you’d be proud at how we’ve managed to cope and keep going.

November
Happy Birthday. : (

I’ll have you know that I was thoroughly impressed with your daughter’s first attempt at cooking a Thanksgiving Day turkey. Except for the fact that we all had the stomach flu, which happened prior to dinner, it was tasty. I pretty much ate leftover turkey for the next week. Well, that’s what happens when you die. You don’t get to partake in turkey sandwiches. Sucks to be you.


December
Merry Christmas : (

Yes, we threw out your love seat. Willow is breathing a sigh of relief.
That thing was a death trap for the cats and except for losing the extra seating, it opens up the room a bit more for Bailey’s toys.

I managed to convince your daughter to decorate for Christmas, even though she didn’t want to. It was for Bailey’s sake. Of course, that screws me because I have to help do the decorating. Yeah, and by the way, once again, ‘eff you for dying. That leaves a bunch of decorations for your daughter to inherit and believe me, I’m not happy about that. We have enough crap in this house, half of which we don’t use.

On a more positive note, I did get a new job, right before Christmas. Giving my two week notice right before I took the last two weeks of the year off for vacation would have gotten a ‘Good boy’ from you, I’m sure of it. Your old buddy at HQ told me that it was one of your secret wishes for us. It gave me a little sadness that you didn’t get to share in that conversation about getting the job. The fact that you secretly wished that both myself and your other daughter would get a better job, somewhere else, tells me I made the right decision. Of course, I am getting a bit of a raw deal. I have to go 45 days without benefits. Your advice would have been greatly appreciated in this matter.

On an even more positive note, I managed to lose the weight I gained after you died.  I can't promise that I'll keep losing the weight but I'm trying.


January
A new year hopefully brings a better one. What the hell is up with the cold and snow? Figures. I get a new job that takes me out towards the airport and two things happen. Hell freezes over and gas prices skyrocket. I spent the better part of two evenings stuck in traffic, trying to get home. I had to nearly miss your daughter’s birthday dinner because I had to drive all over Hell’s half acre trying to go visit my poor mother, who had a hip replacement up in Passavant UPMC. Priorities are a bitch. It just made better sense since I was already on this end of the world. Everything would have been fine but the doctors took forever to get her into her room. Thanks for being there, by the way. You know what I mean. You also know how I feel about that stuff, but I’m willing to accept that maybe I should at least be appreciative that it could be true.

February
Damn Steelers lost. Oh, by the way, your daughter stole your Polamalu jersey. I got my own, so don’t look at me. Valentine’s Day sucks, well for Moyer anyway. I know it’s not one of your bigger holidays but it’s still another excuse to be in a shitty mood because someone you love isn’t around.

You’re little fuzzy babies are soooo big, now. I know you probably miss them but I’m sure you at least have Woody and Lulu on your lap, somewhere, which makes you smile, or irate depending on how crowded it gets in that recliner you got.


March
Nothing much new, here. Yes, Bailey is coming up with some interesting things to say, all of which are not my fault.  I’m sure it will only get worse.

Your daughters need you more than ever, and by extension so do I.  I won’t give you the gory details but you understand.


April
Finally a break in the weather and the first year without you is finally over. Hopefully, this year will be a little better. There aren’t a lot of perennial events that you haven’t already missed by now, which means the worst part is over. It just really sucks because I think we’re finally starting to accept and move on, which means it will be harder to keep the memory as fresh.

Yes, we have pictures but not a lot of video so that Bailey can hear your voice and see you in motion. Of course she still remembers you and wishes you could be here. We all do. I just find myself unable to place you into a conversation as, ‘I know what she would say if she were here.’

It wasn’t that you were predictable. It was that you left that much of an impression that you were able to be utilized for any scenario. Whenever your daughter asks me for advice, I always say, ‘WWMD’. Of course, she didn’t listen you when you were alive, so I guess I’m doing it for my own benefit.

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I’ll be sure and keep you update on the rest of year. Take care and keep us safe. And help us put a filter on Bailey. She doesn’t seem to understand that you shouldn’t always speak your mind. I blame you for that. : )

2010 D-Bag Awards Finals

In the beginning there were 32 nominated contestants, including our reigning champ, Death. Now we are down to eight. This is the final round and each is worthy of the award, but only one walks out of here with the title of biggest d-bag of 2010.

For your consideration, I present each nominee one more time.

In the Athletic Round we had LeBron James. He announced to the world, only minutes after letting his former employers know, that he would leave Cleveland and go to Miami. He promised to do what he could to bring a championship to Cleveland, but in the end he was only interested in bringing one to himself and he would go where he needed to in order to do it. I can’t blame him for wanting to leave Cleveland, but he shouldn’t have done it in the fashion that he did, creating a media spectacle.

LeBron LeBroke My Heart by B Rike Tees

In the Celebrity Round, Mel Gibson touretted his way to infamy after already being on the fence with his previous foot in mouth disease. Allegedly he assaulted the mother of his child. He spouted off more obscenities and vitriol then a Mamet character and still he managed to get support from his former costars. One can only hope that 2011 serves as a chance for him to come back to reality and get on some proper meds.

You Make Me Want To Smoke
by Mongo Angry! Mongo Smash!

For the Reality Round, Jesse James spat on his marriage and every hanger on that ever attached themselves to the celebrity that is Sandra Bullock. And he managed to do it while she stood on stage professing her love and owing her newfound resurgence to you. At least you could have had the decency to let her know ahead of time. Or better yet, not been such a douchebag to start.

 

Blindsided?

Politicians stole the Political Round from the Tea Party Movement in the political round by failing to do anything but posture and play king of the hill. Instead of actually making a change to the country, they simply made a change to the roster. Well, guess what? We became disillusioned the last time around under the eight years rule. Granted, we only gave it two years but we’ve become fickle and impatient. I guess we wanted to believe in change, but didn’t want to believe in a slow process. You didn’t help the cause, you impeded it to get into power. Maybe neither side is the answer. In any case, you were all winners, right or left.

Politicians make for strange bedfellows

In the Media Round, Dr. Laura went gangsta over the airwaves and claimed first amendment blah blah as a defense. Put it this way, when Sarah Palin comes to your defense it might not be a good thing. Ask a majority of the candidates she backed during election season.

Oh yes, I did!

Roger Goodell says one thing and does another. He wants safety but more money for the league in the form of regular season games. He wants to punish certain players but turn a blind eye to others. He wants obscure transparency over the rules of play yet can’t take a standardized position on how players should act off the field. The emperor has no clothes but he clinched a playoff birth from the In Charge Round.

Official Flag of Pittsburgh by Mongo Angry! Mongo Smash!

BP contributed to one of the worst ecological disasters since Joe Hazelwood slept off a bender and the third mate ran aground in Alaska. But to lay blame for the disaster solely at the feet of BP is a bit much. There were multiple factors that involve multiple parties. How the whole crisis was handled has more to do with BPs nomination and win of their round.

beyond pwned by Mongo Angry! Mongo Smash!

Lastly, I present our reigning champ, Death

I'm Death, bitch!

Death had another banner year in 2010. And, he’s already kicking off 2011 with the death of Pete Postlethwaite, a totally underrated actor, in my opinion. Looking back, pop culture lost Leslie Nielsen, Barbara Billingsley, Peter Graves, Teena Marie, Blake Edwards, Dino de Laurentis, 11 year old Shannon Tavarez, Greg Giraldo, Billie Mae Richards (voice of Rudolph from the Rankin Bass specials), Rue McClanahan, Gary Coleman, Corey Haim, Caroline McWillams, Teddy Pendergrass, Tom Bosley, James MacArthur, (Original Five-0’s Danno), James Wall, Tony Curtis, Gloria Stuart, Eddie Fisher, Dennis Hopper, Dixie Carter, Lynn Redgrave, John Forsythe, Merlin Olsen, Andrew Koenig, Phil Harris, Francis Reid, J.D. Salinger, Zelda Rubenstein, James Mitchell, and Jean Simmons, to name more than a few.

On the home front Death took the life of my mother in law, a 12 year survivor of renal cell cancer. The cancer never got her. She died of a brain hemorrhage, due to a blood thinner she was on at the time. Also, my wife’s childhood pet, Woody, a 24 year old black and white one fanged cat finally had to be put down. Both of these deaths affected me more than any celebrity or childhood hero I may have had. So, Death was busy and is in good company with a bunch of other D-bags.



That all being said, I can clearly pick a winner of the 2010 D-Bag Awards.



BP
Death had it locked up but I had to think about it. Death may have claimed the lives of millions this past year, including mine explosions, earthquakes in Haiti, personal losses and losses to my childhood, but Death is doing his job and while I won’t strip him of the title, I cannot clearly give it to him this year. BP was the bigger douchebag. Tony Hayward made the biggest of all d-bag statements when he said, “I want my life back.” The entire handling of the disaster was a ridiculous exercise right out of the playbook of FEMA circa 2005. And while life may be getting back to whatever semblance of normalcy it may have had on the Gulf Coast, the full effects of what happened and how it happened and how it was handled may still be years out on the horizon. Even the name of the rig, Deepwater Horizon, is a sort of morbid foreshadowing of what the future of the Gulf Coast may have in store for us. This was a disaster that even Death was going, “Whoa, you guys are real douchebags!” So, your winner for 2010, by an oil slick is BP. Kudos, douchebags. Good luck in 2011.

2010 D-Bag Awards Round Seven: In Charge D-Bags

Those wacky CEOs. They’ve got the world on a string. And some of them are the biggest d-bags in business. Here’s the lowdown on the final round of nominations for the 2010 D-Bag Awards.

Steve Jobs
Normally, I wouldn’t care what Steve Jobs did. Normally, I’d be willing to praise Apple for what it has done in the tech sector. I loved my iPod and even though I am not a Mac user, I do like them in the case of doing graphic design. Well, that has all changed. 2010 was shining big ball of poop for the Apple CEO. Dating back to the invention of the iPhone, Apple has become a bit of a snob with its products. Yes, you can blame the issues with coverage on AT&T but the bottom line is that Apple is responsible for making that business decision to go solely with AT&T.

The latest version of the iPhone, called iPhone 4, had a huge flaw that was a tipping point for ole Stevie ending up on the list. The gap on the case caused dropped calls when you touched it. It’s not a flaw, it’s a feature, right? Wrong. As in, “You’re holding it wrong.” That was Steve’s message to the masses about the issue. Well, if you are using the phone as a phone and aren’t used to holding it with the particular hand that Jobs is telling people to use, then it’s a flaw, in my book. Telling people that they’re doing it wrong is not good customer service. It’s back peddling over an issue that you either knew about and tried to sneak past the censors or it’s something you were oblivious to and are now coming up with a story to cover your ass. Oh, and did I mention that Steve was detained in an airport following the discovery of ninja stars in his luggage? Steve said he’d never visit Japan again after being detained for trying to take the weapons aboard his own private jet. Um, just because it’s a private jet and it’s yours doesn’t mean you couldn’t decide to take them to another airport and do something. It would be nice if Japan decided to stop using Apple products in return. Hey, Steve. YOU are doing it wrong.

Bob Nutting
I so wanted to give the round to Bob. I really did. As a Pittsburgher and a once huge fan of the Pirates I really wanted to bring Bob down, but I couldn’t. First of all, I don’t have that kind of power. Secondly, it’s not like Bob doesn’t already know exactly what he is doing. He’s made losing a profitable science. 18 years. 18 YEARS of losing is what we are used to in Pittsburgh and we are not a town that understands losing for a profit. We went to the Super Bowl, on the road, as a sixth seed which did nothing to earn the city any money in tourist revenues and we were happy about it because it was about winning and being the best, not about money. Now, that’s not to say that the bottom line is that we don’t want the money. You need to pay the players and you need to fund the organization. However, when you specifically do what you can to lose which nets you millions in profit, that’s is worth of being a d-bag.

Now, I cannot say with 100% certainty that Bob Nutting is purposely trying to lose in order to keep his payroll low and turn a profit from season ticket sales and revenue sharing from the bigger market teams. But it does look to be a little suspicious. Oh, and how are Rinku and Dinesh doing? Oh, that’s right. You released Dinesh after the season. And Singh, well he was promoted to Class A Short-Season affiliate. Any chance He’ll be making it through to the big game?



And the winner is?



Roger Goodell
Again, I am a little bit biased because I am from Pittsburgh but I think it is safe to say that Roger Goodell is clearly the winner here. I have gone on, at length about how I despise him. I think he is turning the NFL into a ridiculous corporation bent on making money and not about upholding any values. He talks about wanting to protect the players from injury and yet wants to add two more bone crushing regular season games. If this year is any indication of how much the regular season punishes players then imagine going into weeks 18 and 19 with hardly any starters because of injury, not to mention playoffs. He talks about reckless tackling, leading with helmets and defenseless players, yet the officials do not call penalties on half of the more serious offenses to players such as personal fouls against certain quarterbacks. After all, someone as pretty as Tom Brady and as marketable as Peyton Manning would certainly draw a personal foul if a defensive player merely looked at them wrong, but other quarterbacks are chopped and drilled and slapped and punched and bloodied in the name of “legal contact.”

Oh, and where is Brett Favre’s punishment for doing what he did. Granted, he may never face any legal action for what he allegedly did, but it’s on par with what Ben Roethlisberger supposedly did and he was given a six game suspension. I am neither defending nor condoning what Ben may or may not have done. I am merely pointing out a lateral argument. Both were involved with allegations of sexual harassment or conduct unbecoming an NFL player and yet Ben was given a six game, reduced to four, suspension and Brett has yet to see any kind of punishment and will probably retire before any is doled out. If there were any more contradictory behavior on the part of Goodell he would have ended up on my political list. But for now, he earns the praise as d-bag extraordinaire as a man in charge.

2010 D-Bag Awards Round Six: Media D-Bags

So, in the year 2010, the media continued to be full of douchebaggery. Now, you may ask why I did not include Glenn Beck and Bill O'Reilly in this group. After all, they are part of the media. However, I fell they are more politically motivated. Beck had his rally and Bill had his opinions on "who killed us" on 9/11. So, I discounted them as media and moved them to the political round. Don't feel too bad about them. This round has four worthy d-bags competing for the title.

Julian Assange
Some may call him a hero. Others will call him reckless and dangerous. Well, he is. I give him credit for exposing a lot of information that should have been brought to light. However, his leaking of diplomatic cables has the potential of putting a lot of people in danger. Just because you can do something doesn't mean you actually should do it. Information and knowledge are powerful weapons and they are just as destructive as guns and bombs. Do I want transparency in my government? Yes. Do I want people to be held accountable for their actions? Yes. But we still have soldiers in Afghanistan and a fragile balance in the world and bringing these things to light can put a lot of people in danger. But, what is the safety of people vs. the freedom of the press, right? There's a thing called tact, you d-bag. How about you turn that probe on yourself and open up your closets and let us look at the skeletons.


Perez Hilton
Sometimes having an opinion has its merits. Perez feels he's witty and clever with his little squiggly lines and other stuff he posts on his blog. Last year he almost made the list over the whole Carrie Prejean deal. Granted, she was a bigger d-bag but he obviously came in with an agenda when he asked her the whole "opposite marriage" question. He also went for the jugular when he claimed Michael Jackson was feigning illness as a stunt to get out of having to do the "This is it" tour. Oops. He died. This year he posted a picture of Miley Cyrus, on stage, supposedly without underwear. Now, since he's not into Miley, it could be excusable. However, she was underage, at the time and that constitutes distributing child pornography. When he realized his faux pas, he claimed it was fake and had proof. Instead of re-posting the picture with undies, intact, he instead posted a different picture, claiming it was from the same occasion. Um, right. He got with his pants down. Perez, regardless of how much you poke fun of people I could care less about, you are a overexposed, hack, d-bag and you should probably just go away.

Me
That's what I said. Me. The ole Mongster himself. Why? Here's a list of reasons. I spend way too much time doing this kind of stuff and don't take care of the things that need to be taken care of in my own life. My house has about 15 projects that are either started, on deck, or on the drawing board and I would rather quibble over celebrities or draw funny pictures on shirts or get blown up by 12 year olds on Call of Duty death match than do them. I get cranky for no reason and take it out on those around me. Most of all, I have no right to point the finger at anyone else when I have am a no talent ass clown hack of a blogger with an Internet connection and no ambition to do any real work. That's why I'm a d-bag. By the way, if you ever see the call profile AngryMongo on Call of Duty Free for All, that's probably me. Frag away, I'll sneak up on your ass and knife once for payback.



And the winner is,


Dr. Laura Schlessinger
Myself aside, Dr. Laura is a champ d-bag all on her own. Her past indiscretions are legendary but this year she thought it was OK to just go off shouting the "n" word, just because others get to do it, too. Well, if that isn't reason enough, then I don't know what is. Here's a tip for you, Dr. D-bag. You don't get to use the word. I don't get to use the word. In fact, those that use the word shouldn't be using it. Whatever your race is, the word is still a bad one. I don't care if you use it in a sentence, a lyric, or a joke. "It's just a word." You're right, it's just a word. You have every right to say a word and we have every right to be upset over it. It's not the word, it's the history assigned to it. It's the 400 years that preceded Dr. Laura that make the word inflammatory. It's not about free speech or rights. It's about common decency and common sense. That's why you're a douchebag, Dr. Laura.

2010 D-Bag Awards Round Five: Company D-Bags

After the shock and awe wore off from the Wall Street bailouts and general lack of ethics among big corporations, 2010 was still able to produce some great d-bag moments in the corporate sector.  Here's our nominations for the Big Business D-Bags.

Dell
The once proud computer manufacturer/retailer got hit with the corporate stick this year as they connived to keep hush about knowing that 11.8 million PCs were defective. That's the problem with getting to be a big guy, you have to stay there and sometimes you beg, borrow, or steal to do it.

Comcast
Being named Consumerist's Worst Company In America last year didn't stop Comcast from being total d-bags. Personally, I have to use them in some form because FIOS is not in my area. Secondly, Comcast thought it knew best when it came to failed connections to websites. It automatically replaced my standard "Page cannot be displayed" screen with suggestions of websites I might want to go to. Instead of opting into that service, I had to take multiple hours to keep it from happening. Then it came back, automatically, and had to be manually stopped a second time. But that's besides the point. Comcast is hell bent on becoming the big brother of television by buying up NBC, and it seems no one, not even Al Franken, can stop this disaster waiting to happen.

MTV
I don't know why MTV continues to call itself MTV. This year, the once great music television channel that gave us music videos, Liquid Television, the late Ken Ober's basement, Kari Wuhrer in a tube top, 120 minutes, Headbanger's Ball, Beavis and Butthead, YO MTV Raps, and a host of other great music related programs decided to drop the word Music from their moniker. Actually, they decided to stop lying about playing music videos. Unless you were able to correctly decipher the schedule and make time between the minutes of 3:40AM and 4:20AM you probably haven't seen a music video for years. Instead, MTV has decided to focus its energy on more reality based programming. I guess you could blame The Real World for all this since it kind of started the genre. Personally, I blame Adam Curry.

The TSA
Since 9/11, air travel security has been on the cornerstones of the new world order of Homeland Security. But, as 2010 rolled into high gear, the level of privacy violations have gone to plaid via ludicrous speed. The back scatter scanners may or may not cause cancer but more importantly they tell everyone what your wearing, or what you are... packing underneath your Calvin's. The images are not detailed enough to perhaps titillate, unless you like the kink of a Marilyn Manson video or Silent Hill video game but the fact that the images got saved. They shouldn't be, in any case, saved. If you aren't into being x-rayed, then you could get the pat-down from the cold, chapped fist of justice. People feel violated and the proof that these methods of protection from terrorists are not confirmed. Basically, you are letting the TSA get to second base. Can we say, "Bad touch."

And the winner...

BP
This one was a no-brainer, in fact I don't even have to say anything about it. Everyone knows what BP did and what they failed to do so no use in beating a dead, oil covered, horse.  The best part about all of this was that it took Kevin Costner to come up with a plan to solve the issue.  Take that, Waterworld grosses.WTG, BP!

2010 D-Bag Awards Round Three: Reality D-Bags

Up next is the d-bags from reality television, the ultimate sign of the fall of Western Civilization. Some of these folks aren’t talented enough to have a real career or their lives are ridiculous enough to be put on film.  God help us all.

The Cast of the Jersey Shore
I was hoping against hope that this show would not have lasted. Even if it meant I would never sell another Jersey Shore related shirt in my stores I hoped that this was purely a joke that would just go away. Nope, it didn’t. Reality television’s newest stars are still going, way beyond their 15 minutes of fame and are continuing to gain fans. Whether you are a fan of the pugilistic Oompa Lompa, Snooki, or the comfortably fitting shirt challenged Mike “The Situation” whateverhislastnameis, you probably live to do Gym, Tan and Laundry and avoid grenades like the plague. Me, I avoid this show like the plague. Unfortunately, the missed the cutoff date for last year’s list, premiering in December. However, they’ve managed to rack up an impressive rap sheet this year. We’ve got…

Being all around ethnic stereotypes of Italians from New Jersey… of which only one of the original cast members are from New Jersey (No longer even on the show, at that) and only three of the cast members are actually full blooded Italian. Two are half and one is Chilean who was adopted by Italians.

• Arrested for fighting in bars
• Overuse and promotion of tanning beds
• Being general douchebags

Separated at birth?

Heidi Montag
Someone may have to remind me, again, who the hell this person is? I have no clue who she is other than she decided to get so much plastic surgery she makes Barbie look biodegradable. I mean, come on. I realize that she made the list last year as part of a tag team with her husband, Spencer Pratt, but I guess I decided to block out what her real claim to fame is. Oh, right she was on Laguna Beach, the loosely called reality show on MTV and then The Hills. Yeah, real life, sure, I believe that. Oh, and she became a recording artist. Wow, that was really groundbreaking wasn’t it? Oh, and then her and her husband divorced. Why? To help her career. She compared the momentum of fame she would gain from the divorce to that of Sandra Bullock’s fame after her split from Jesse James. She is actually putting herself in the same realm of reality as Sandra Bullock. Hmm, oh, and there’s a supposed sex tape, which she denies, while her husband shops it around. Ok, once again, how is any of this reality?

 

Before and After Shots.  More Plastic Than Barbie

Jesse James

Speaking of Jesse James, welcome to d-bag garage. Today we’re going to take a wonderful relationship and tear it apart and make it into a huge lie. Jesse had the sweet life. I actually admit to being a fan of Monster Garage and his persona. Then he met Sandra Bullock and it was like all weird relationships we see in life. “What the hell is he doing with her?” kind of feeling. Sandra Bullock is this level headed, sweet gal next door, save the world and all the puppies kind of person who is genuine and she hooks up with this grease monkey kind of bad boy. It couldn’t be more perfect right? Once again, this is reality television at its finest. There was the infidelity and with a porn star, no less. Let me restate that, a Nazi porn star. And all of this came to light as Sandra accepted the Oscar and touted that Jesse made her a better person and her resurging success was a direct result of their loving marriage. WTG, d-bag!  Just for the sake of argument, look at these two pictures and you tell me.

Sandra Bullock

Michelle McGee

Teen Mom Cast Members

Once again, I admit I do not watch this show. In fact, I stay away from these types of shows because they are simply vehicles for people trying to get a career out of nothing other than being a teen, pregnant, or a little person… or a washed up 80s icon (tv or wrestling, take your pick). Put simply, the people featured on this show have either gotten into trouble for abuse of the other parent, criminal behavior, hit and runs, mental problems and just being a d-bag in general. But then again, the purpose of these types of behaviors is to be exploited for the sake of advertising and money at the hands of the network that puts them on television.

Teen Mom Amber Giving The Baby Daddy The Smackdown

And the winner is?   I have two endings.  The original and then the one I had rethought.

ORIGINAL 

I really wanted to pick Jesse James. The sum of what he did was cause enough to be the winner. The ridiculousness of the spectacle that became the news story surrounding his infidelity and divorce from Bullock was d-baggery at its finest but I will not feel bad for Bullock in this case. If she had stayed with him, then she would have gained my sympathy and a spot on this list for being an idiot. But she is neither an idiot nor a d-bag. That being said, I cannot give him the award because as much of a d-bag as he is, the cast of The Jersey Shore’s total amount of d-bag moves eclipses the sum of one Jesse James. So, my hopes for 2011 is that either The Jersey Shore gets cancelled or it stays on the air, allowing me to make money off of them being idiots and d-bags. Well played, to my advantage!

REDUX
OK, so I originally picked the cast of The Jersey Shore.  However, I went back and rethought the outcome and am going to strip the D-Bags of MTV of their win and give it to Jesse James.   Why?  While I stated that the sum of what the cast of TJS did outweighed what Jesse did, I believe in my heart that he is the bigger douchebag and yes, I actually used the full word because he deserves it.   He had it all.  He had a beautiful wife that loved his kid.  He had a great company.  He had all the world on a platter and he just fell back on his bad boy ways.   There can be something said for trying to reform the bad boy.   There's also something to be said for wasting an opportunity that you will never have again in your life.

2010 D-Bag Awards Round Two: D-Bag Celebs

For our second round we have the cream of the A – D List of celebrity d-bags. These people, who we seem to want to live vicariously through with everything from TMZ stories to Twitter feeds, have taken great pride in being exemplary at the art of being a d-bag.

Mel Gibson
Another repeat offender. A few years ago, Mel went on a bender and was pulled over in Malibu. He went off on a anti-Semitic / misogynistic rant with the arresting officers. He apologized, sought treatment, divorced, and had a baby with Oksana Grigorieva, a Russian pianist and recording artist, mostly phone messages. Then the real fun began. The Gibson Sessions began coming out as a series of taped phone calls between Mel and Oksana. They should be on iTunes sometime next year. Quality stuff like the instant soulful classic, “You Make Me Want To Smoke.” It may rival Alec Baldwin’s funkadelic, “You’re a Rude Little Pig” from a few years ago in terms of downloads. Still, Mel found time to play with his Beaver in The Beaver and even pal Jodie Foster came to his defense. In all this, you know a comeback was just waiting to happen. Then Mel got dropped from The Hangover 2 and well, that just made it all worse.

You Make Me Want To Smoke
by Mongo Angry! Mongo Smash!

Miley Cyrus
The tween sensation cum bong smoking young adult has had a pretty trying year. Prior to turning 18, Perez Hilton decided to post and mark up pictures of her on tour causing his own d-baggery and possible criminal charges. Then she finds out her Mom went from being all achy breaky with her Dad to doing the Unskinny Bop with Bret Michaels, who she sang with on Good Morning America in June. After that, she turned 18 and went downhill. It’s almost as if she looked at her life and then looked at Lindsay Lohan and said, “Yeah, that’s what I want to be like.” Think of it this way. Both were Disney kids. Both had/have a singing career. Both have had risqué photo shoots. (Possibly even nude photos of Cyrus have surfaced, though it’s undetermined if it’s her or when they were taken.) And now, booth have been found out to be doing drugs. Ok, you can say that smoking Salvia isn’t exactly illegal, but when you see a video of her hitting the bong and then making less sense than the Yip Yips from Sesame Street it’s not pretty. Why is she a d-bag? She may be 18 and may be an adult and quite frankly, she's old enough to do what she wants, but her fan base is still under age and impressionable. Not every Hannah Montana fan turned 18 when she did. You can blame the celebrity and media all you want but then I say to you, “Not one of those Harry Potter kids got busted for anything.” Although, Harry Potter did show off his Whomping Willow on stage in Equus.  In the end, Miley needs to either lay off the junk or at least stop getting filmed doing questionable things.

Achy Breaky Bong

Lindsay Lohan
Where do you begin? Rehab, Jail, Rehab, Drugs, Funny or Die. By the way, Lindsay, Funny or Die is the name of the website, not your choices for what to do with your career. There’s not much you can say that hasn’t already been said by everyone else.  Although, the biggest moment of d-baggery was the fingernail scrawled with FU in the courtroom. Who was that for? Take your punishment, get clean, write a book, make a comeback and fall off the wagon again.   You're still young.   Really, it is time to take stock and get your life back on track before you derail even more. The bottom never looked so good, right?

Is that a Lee Press on Nail?

Paris Hilton
Apart from being a no talent ass clown, she’s a horrible flyer. In July she was detained and released after being caught at an airport holding marijuana. Then, in August, she tried to use her Jedi Mind tricks on authorities by telling them that the cocaine in her purse was gum. Then she tried her best Austin Powers impression, “It’s not my bag, baby?” Finally, she admitted and was given probation. Then, she traveled to Japan and was denied entry because of the strict drug laws. Other sites on her Asian promotion tour are even stricter than Japan. If she’s not careful, she’ll be in a new reality show called, “The Brokedown Palace Life” Frankly, I blame the justice system. It’s obvious that giving her probation does nothing. Lock her ass up for a year.

"That's pot. I mean, no it isn't."

John Mayer
“That’s enough John Mayer” was sprayed on a brick wall by Chris Griffin of the Family Guy. Apparently, he didn’t get the hint. I’ll give him this, he’s a great artist. But he’s a terrible date. The appearance on Ellen, just before the New Year, was downright ridiculous. His Twitter Battles with Perez Hilton are like two T-Rexes engaging in a slap fest. It just doesn’t really make for compelling pugilism. He basically is the Kanye West of the media world and Kanye West takes offense at that. The dude just needs to stop and take a step back. I understand, no junk no soul but let’s get a little perspective. You’d never see John Lee Hooker getting into a Twitter fight with Dick Cavett.

Is that a Cosby Sweater?

And the winner is?

I’ll say this was a close race. I had a hard time figuring out who was the bigger d-bag and honestly, it’s almost a shame to just give the award to someone in order to not have a tie. Still, on the whole, the biggest d-bag has got to be…

Mel Gibson

Are you recording this?

Whether or not Oksana shares some of the blame for why Mel is Mad is debatable. We’ve really only heard his side…through ranting over the phone, which makes him look like a total train wreck.  However, this is not a one shot deal.  This is a pattern of behavior that should really not be as unexpected as one might think.  Mel’s over the top behavior is almost a parody of some of his more “out there” characters.  He’s gone Martin Riggs by way of Jerry from Conspiracy Theory. If anyone doubted that his career was in the crapper, after the DUI arrest, his fit has really hit the shan.   I think he may be a threat to himself, at this point.  But then again, even Roman Polanski won Oscars after being accused of rape. As far as the others go, Lindsay is almost on her way out and Miley may just be going through some growing pains. John Mayer could be a nominee next year and that would probably make him a shoe in. Paris? I don’t want to give her any awards for anything. Let’s just hope she goes away.

2010 D-Bag Awards Round One: Jock D-Bags

First up are the playmakers and d-baggers of the sports world. We’ve got infidelity, drunken antics, pictures of winkies being texted, team changers, and a power tripping commissioner.


Tiger Woods
His biggest act of dickery came in 2009. He had cheated on his wife, Elin Nordgren and completely destroyed his persona of this elite golfer with a genial appeal. 2010 kicked off with the discovery of many different women Tiger had given the long ball to. Making matters worse, Tiger had a subpar year in golf, missing the cut at the Masters and various low placing spots in the other Majors events. There was also the creepy, egotistical ad campaign from Nike involving a video which featured narration by his Dad, the late Earl Woods. Did he learn anything? Probably not. It will be some time before Tiger returns to form. Of course, if he were to retire tomorrow, he’d still be able to live lavishly.

 

Tiger Woods Commercial Narrated By His Late Father

Ben Roethlisberger
Ben can look back at 2009, from a professional standpoint and be proud. His personal stats were phenomenal, breaking franchise records left and right. Even though the Steelers failed to make the playoffs, Ben’s performance rating was great, overall. However, off the field his antics in a Georgia bar landed him in the hot seat which kicked off 2010 with an investigation into possible sex assault charges, which were dropped due to lack of evidence, and a four game suspension, which was upheld due to lack of common sense by the NFL and fellow nominee Roger Goodell. But Ben has made good on his suspension, completing whatever steps he needed to earn his way back into the good graces of the league. Even if there are chants of “No means no!” in the event that Ben plays in his third Super Bowl appearance in February, you cannot argue that Ben is a tough as nails player, shrugging off a broken foot, broken nose, a inexperienced and struggling offensive line, and the constant evil eyes he gets from those who feel he was guilty of a crime in order to continually win games for his team. You have to wonder if maybe he’s playing at this level and through the adversity in order to redeem himself in the eyes of his team and his fans. Odds are, if he hoists a Lombardi trophy in Dallas, this coming February, he’s probably going to be given a pass. I won’t say that I, personally, have not forgiven him for his attitude off the field but, I’m just glad he got rid of that stupid haircut. He may still be a lifelong d-bag and only the off season will tell.

Big Ben Story on WTAE

LeBron James
James played in Cleveland for seven years without bringing home a championship. In July, he became a free agent and began being courted by other teams in the NBA. His biggest dick move came from holding a televised special announcing his decision to leave Cleveland for Miami. Now, free agency is what it is. I am not bothered by the fact that LeBron left Cleveland. I am bothered by the fact that he informed his employers just minutes before the LIVE telecast and wasted all of America’s time with such a piece of self-inflated egotistical douchebaggery.

LeBron Interview and Decision

Brett Favre
When it comes time for Brett Favre to be inducted into the Football Hall of Fame, no one will deny his deserving of being there, not even me. However, the fact that he should have retired um, 1000 times already makes him the number one sports douchebag in my book, alone. How many times will he make the world wait to see if he’ll decide to leave the farm and go to camp? How many backup quarterbacks will join teams hoping for a legitimate shot of starting, only to have Brett say, “Hmm, should I retire? Hmmm, naaaaahhh!” Then again, how many times are we going to have to use bleach on our minds to scrub away the image of Little Brett being texted to Jen Sterger? The QB supposedly sent inappropriate texts, including one of his Mini Viking to Sterger in 2008, along with voice mails. He admitted to the voice mails but denied he was the one who sent the texts. Whether he acted on all those bad intentions he had, this much is for sure. The lack of disciplinary action against Favre for these acts just makes Roger Goodell look more and more like the king of all d-bags.

 

Pants on the Ground Foreshadowing?

Derek Jeter
Love them or hate them, the Yankees are an elite ball club. They play to win, even if they have to cheat to do it. Back in September, a pitch bounced off the end of Jeter’s bat and Jeter pretended to be hit. He even had the trainer look at his arm in an effort to sell his injury. Taking his base gave the Yankees a chance to score, helping their race to the playoffs. While Instant Replay isn’t used in baseball in this fashion, repeated viewings of the clip, clearly shows the bat being hit and Jeter admitted as much, later. So, is what he did cheating or just part of the game? Yeah, his job is to get on base and help his team win games, but what does that say to all the impressionable young fans and players he has become a role model to? Win at all costs and don’t get caught. Bud Selig should take a page out of Goodell’s book and start fining players for poor sportsmanship. Then again, the Yankees would probably get preferential treatment like certain Hair Club For Men Members QB’ing up North.

 

Jeter Cheeter

And The Winner – LeBron James
LeBron may not have cheated in basketball, assaulted anyone, sent inappropriate pictures of himself or cheated on his wife, like the others, but his actions involving his decision to leave Cleveland were ridiculous. The town is not the greatest, I get that. But they welcomed you in 2003 and cheered you on, buying merchandise with your number and likeness. In turn, just because you didn’t get that brass ring, you decided that their devotion was second or third rate and jumped ship to a better team. And you did for the publicity. You went on live television and indirectly declared that your decision to go to Miami should more important and newsworthy than a war in Afghanistan, a environmental disaster in the Gulf of Mexico, a natural disaster in Haiti, and any number of issues this country has faced coming out of the recession. Kudos LeBron, you are the biggest D-Bag of this round.





Honorable mention time
I wanted to limit the category to five nominees but had to at least mention Steve Johnson of the Buffalo Bills because he blamed God for him dropping a game winning catch against the Steelers. And to top it all off, he did it over Twitter. Granted, the continual praising and thanking of God for anyone’s abilities to make millions of dollars to play a sport has become so blasé that it demeans a higher power and comes off as inauthentic. However, blasted said higher power and the fact that you did it over a social network like Twitter just makes you look like a complete ass.

REMINDER Last Day To Enter Halloween 2010 Giveaway

Just a reminder, today is the last day to enter the Mongo Angry Mongo Smash Halloween 2010 Giveaway over at the store blog.  A prize pack of 10 Halloween/Horror Movie/Pittsburgh themed items will be given to one lucky entrant.  Just answer the question posed in the blog article in the comments section of that post or join in on the madness at my Facebook Page.  Entries will be accepted until Midnight EST.

Black and Gold Digger

He take my money. Well, I'm in need.
Yeah, it's a trifling ball club indeed.
Nutting's a Black and Gold Digger way over time
That digs on me. 

Duke da bomb
Even got Maholm
Can't believe X Nady and Freddie are gone.

Sorry, Kanye, Imma let you finish but.... oh who am I kidding?  Go away.

Ahh, Spring Training. This is the time of year the last few diehard fans of the Pittsburgh Pirates love to see. Their love of the ball club is like Jeff Conaway’s love of pain killers. And they would be just as willing to throw themselves down the stairs of the Clemente Bridge to score some good seats to an afternoon game against Cincinnati Reds minor league team.
Now, last year the Bucs were able to get above .500 for the first time since 2007 but then April ended and so did that winning streak. They finished the season at .385 setting the record for the team with the most consecutive losing seasons in history, surpassing the Phillies record of 16 years. Hey, one more and that baby is legal.

And here’s an interesting statistic. The last time the Pirates had a winning season, which was back in 1992, they had a payroll for the players of $32 million. Guess what their payroll is for 2010… $36 million. Now 17 years ago, with that kind of cheddar they were able to afford Barry Bonds, Andy Van Slyke, Jose Lind, Orlando Merced, jay Bell, Tim Wakefield, and a young Lloyd McClendon. He played for four seasons in Pittsburgh and then managed for four seasons ten years later.

However, this year they have Zach Duke, Paul Maholm, Ryan Domut, and Andy LaRoche to pay so… wait $36 million. Oh, I thought there was a one in front of that number. No, that would have been the Chicago Cubs’ payroll. But with that big fat payroll the Battling Buccos were able to take down Manatee Community College. Take that 13th grade. I guess that pep talk that was given to the team is paying off in spades.

Look, we all know what is going to happen here, so why even get our hopes up. They will show some talent in Spring Training and perhaps win a few games in the Grapefruit League. They’ll come back to Pittsburgh and put on a great show and have some interesting promotions and giveaways. They’ll probably lose the home opener and then suddenly win three in a row and go up over .500. Then April will end and the real Pirates will show up. Yes, we’ll have some good players put on some impressive performances but the pitching staff will ultimately phone it in and by June we’ll be looking to trade our best players for some guy called Toby Named or we will be too busy watching the Penguins go for a fourth Stanley Cup to care. Meanwhile, Bob Nutting will be sitting in his office counting a big fat wad of cash infused by MLB profit sharing and by July. All that talk of dynasty won’t mean a damn thing once fair weather fans start migrating from the North Shore to St. Vincent’s. Soon, we’ll trade the last of our good players and we’ll slump into October as all the cool kids will be hanging out next door at Heinz Field. It’s the equivalent of sharing your birthday with a popular student and all your friends bail on the kick ass slumber party you planned because that kid has a Wii, a PS3, and all you have is an xBox 360.

18 years, 18 years, you've got season tix and they've been losing almost 18 years.

I know somebody payin' Nutting for one of his tix...

This talk of dynasty is ridiculous. The Pirates already have a dynasty. It’s called 17 seasons, soon to be 18, of sucktitude. Instead of “We Will” our slogan should be “We Suck” or “Who Cares?” It’s such a shame when there’s more fan enthusiasm for a group of pierogies running down the first base line than there is when a Pirate breaks the outfield with a hard line drive and the go ahead run is trying to score. Bob Nutting doesn’t seem to realize that we all know he’s a crook. The team is profitable whether or not we win any games. You have a built in base from season ticket holders and then the highest performing teams give money to the lowest performing teams. Unfortunately, that money doesn’t always go to improving the club with better players. It probably goes to paying for snow making machines up at Seven Springs… and this year they can redirect that money back into Nutting’s pocket because of all that damn snow we got .

Look no amount of Facebook groups, petitions, public outcry, or collective holding of breaths is going to change what is happening. Nutting would be a fool to sell the team because he hasn’t quite reached that level of diminishing returns yet. It’s a profitable ball club that sucks but pays. Mario Lemieux and Mark Cuban are not going to step and help out. We have a better shot of selling to another market and being moved but the price won’t be right. So just sit back and watch the suckfest as it nears its 18th season and curse Barry Bonds and Sid Bream all you want. Welcome to Pittsburgh, Three Rivers and one drain called PNC Park. “We Will Indeed”

 
 
 

The Inventors of The Frisbee and Easy Bake Oven Have Died

Two inventors of famous toys from the annals of pop culture died this month.

Walter Frederick Morrison died at the age of 90. He originally invented what was better known as the Frisbee. He fought, as a pilot, in World War II and was short down in Italy. He was a prisoner of war for 48 days. After the war he designed the flying disc, got an investor and eventually sold the rights to Wham-O who renamed it The Frisbee. Sadly, Morrison died on February 9th.  Details are sketchy at the moment. He was either found on a roof or became stuck in a storm drain. In either case, his body was retrieved after three hours of attempts with a long stick


Ronald Howes took the idea of street vendors roasting chestnuts and created an appliance found in many, built to scale, plastic kitchens around the world. The Easy Bake Oven used a light bulb, sometimes a 100 watt version, to cook brownies and cakes to near salmonella breeding perfection. What kid didn’t intend to impress their pretend boss from the Lemonade stand by having their cootie loving wife of two days cook up a wonderful three layer Easy Bake Cake in just under three hours?  Dinner was always a success and ended before the street lights came on.  Howes died on February 16th at the age of 83. It is estimated that it will take three months to cremate his body, but it should smell delicious.



These deaths follow the news that Glen Bell, the founder of Taco Bell, died on January 16th. The viewing for his funeral took place as late as 1am and mourners were asked to please pull to the second window.

Let the Games Begin, Eh

The 2010 Winter Games are here. Regardless of how people feel about the Olympics or your general distrust of a governing body like the IOC, you have to admit that it’s just a cool sight to behold. The U.S. definitely got caught up in the 2008 Summer Games in Bejing with the Michael Phelps whirlwind in and out of the pool and I personally loved seeing Misty May-Treanor and Kerri Walsh snap up the gold in Beach Volleyball. But for all the fanfare and bravura that the Summer Games hold, I still find something more magical about the Winter Games.  And I also feel the slowly rolling eyeballs of my wife shifting around as I get geeked over this.

For any of us that grew up in the early to mid 80s we are all pretty much familiar with the EPYX line of Olympic Games titles like Summer Games, Summer Games II, and of course Winter Games. I can remember being in grade school and playing Summer Games on a Commodore 64. The state of the art graphics *sarcasm* that was the C-64 made us drool at the prospect of competing in events like diving and the pole vault. I actually found a glitch that let me keep going until the height of the bar in the pole vault was way above the screen. But even then, the Winter Games edition was so much more fun and to this day I don’t think I ever successfully completed a bobsled run.

Maybe it’s the snow and the winter themes that make me want to watch the Winter Games more. If I were still in high school or college I could probably get away with vegging out in front of the television to watch all the events, but sadly, adulthood has robbed me of that luxury. In fact, I remember sitting in my homeroom in 1992 watching the U.S. Hockey team play a few rounds. Unfortunately, we took fourth place that year, far removed from my all time childhood geek moment in 1980 of seeing the Miracle On Ice. At the age of five I thought it was Pittsburgh that one because I hadn’t quite separated the Pittsburgh Steelers from the rest of the sporting world. So a win for the U.S. in my mind was a win for Pittsburgh. It wouldn’t be true for another 11 years when The Penguins won their first Stanley Cup.

But three years earlier, something out of the ordinary happened at the 1988 Winter Games in Calgary.  What seemed like a joke became a phenomenon as the Jamaican Bobsled team blazed onto the games, no pun intended.  While they didn't even finish, due to crashing their sled, they gained notoriety for showing what many consider the spirit of the games by picking up their sled and walking to the finish line.  They simply made it look fun.  They managed to qualify in 1992 and 1994 but did not win any medals.  However, they did reach 14th place which put them ahead of the U.S., Russia, Italian, and French teams.  Sadly, they did not qualify in 2006 nor did they qualify this year.  It's a shame, really, because they did win the gold at thr 2000 World Push Bobsled Championships.  Maybe next time, mon.

Also, us 30-somethings can remember that prior to 1994, the games ran in parallel with the Summer Games. Then skipping only two years, the Winter Games went opposite the Summer Games letting me bask in my dorkiness every couple of years.  That brings me back to the 1994 games.

It was a snowy Friday in February and I was a freshman in college. A high school buddy of mine had just transferred to the Oakland campus but still had friends at the UPJ location, where he spent his Freshman year. He invited me to trek up to see them for the night, which happened to be the night that Nancy Kerrigan, Tonya Harding, and Oksana Baiul competed for the medal in figure skating. The whole Kerrigan-Harding scandal was all the rage at the games and now it was time to see just how good everyone really was.

Johnstown is only around 90 minutes away from our hometown, but it's in what we call the snow belt. Being a recent transfer student myself, I was going from the mild climate of Myrtle Beach to the freezing concrete jungle of Pittsburgh so this trip took me full circle at seeing a winter wonderland. UPJ’s campus is/was like a ski resort. Nestled into the woods and with the new fallen snow, the campus buildings resemble the ski atmosphere of Aspen or the Poconos. This was a great setting in which to enjoy the Winter Games and to hold our own.

Between the main dorms, the frats and apartments, there lies a road that goes down a huge hill. The snow had packed into a slope of sorts and had become slick. We all took turns running from the top and diving onto our stomachs as we careened down the hill. I’m sure I was doing irreparable damage to my body, but at that age and with alcohol, anything was possible. We spent the rest of the evening watching the carnage of Tonya Harding breaking a shoe lace and ultimately Oksana Baiul taking the gold. It wasn’t exactly a very manly sight to see us critiquing the performances but again, with alcohol, anything is possible.

I spent the night curled up under a blanket on the cold tile floor of a dorm room and the next morning, my friend Scott and I made our way back down to civilization. The snow had continued to fall another couple of feet that night. I was totally unprepared for the weather, opting for a leather jacket, IIRC (mandatory Internet slang quota for this post reached). But I was really unprepared to see the snow up over the back bumper of Scott’s AMC Eagle. This did not phase Scott in the least.

You have to understand Scott to truly appreciate his insanity. This is the kid in high school that knew how to make bombs. He has a civil engineering degree and now works for the DOT. Go figure. In any case, while he was a freshman, the year before, we experienced The Storm of the Century. Being at UPJ, Scott was kind of like Dennis Quaid trekking to New York City in The Day After Tomorrow. He went out for a walk one day to the local Giant Eagle Supermarket. As he walked, he kicked something hard with his foot. He bent down and cleared around it and found a car that was buried in the snow. Again, I saw insane because he decided it would be a good idea to just go out for a walk in the snow that had buried a car.

But back to the Eagle. If I ever move to a region that ends up with a ton of snowfall, I would highly consider getting one of these classics. It’s like a tank. Scott had outfitted his with a hood ornament that was an actual Eagle from one of his childhood trophies. As I was lamenting the chore of having to dig out the car before we could leave, he simply said, “Get in.” I did and he fired up the beast. Threw it in reverse and simply backed out over the snow. As we drove away, I looked back at our parking space which now resembled the bottom portion of a Styrofoam packing insert. We drove out onto the highway which was completely devoid of cars, buried or otherwise.

While I was keen to catch what I could of the Olympic Games that year, I felt that I deserved a Gold Medal for using downhill body sledding and Scott deserved one for snow driving. Unfortunately, these events are not a part of the games, yet. The skeleton needs to just get rid of the sled and we’d have it. That may seem highly dangerous, but I’ll say it again…with alcohol….you get the picture.

 
 
 
 

Five Things That Need To Go Away In 2010

T-Pain Auto Tune Insanity
The Super Bowl put the last nail in the coffin for this gimmick that is so overused in popular music that it has become a source of inter cranial bleeding. The premise of the Bud Light commercial updates the old “Wassup?” ones for Bud where a guy calls up his friends after drinking a Bud Light and begins speaking in T-Pain style. Auto tune and the voice box are overdone and just need to go away. Any number of artists today employ the auto tune method and it really shows in live performances. *cough*Taylor Swift *cough* Oh, come on. You explain to me how she can win all these awards, be named artist of the year, blah blah blah and she can’t effing sing live? It’s the magic of the studio and a mixing board is all I’m saying. Do you feel like I do? Yes, that was a nod to Mr. Frampton.

The UPS Whiteboard GuyThe first time I saw this doodler for the shipping company I thought Steve Perry found a new job since Journey decided to go with a Filipino YouTube guy that sounds like an Engrish version of….well, Steve Perry. And just in case I thought I was the only one who thought this… apparently someone was so confused they posed the question to Yahoo Answers.

The guy’s real name is Andy Azula and he is the creative director for an ad agency that was hired by UPS to do those commercials. When the commercials first began to air, the street magician style of drawing that ultimately revealed a UPS logo was kind of neat. However, after the first few ads, like anything else in this world, reality was wiped off the whiteboard and computer generated graphics replaced what looked like utter magic. Actually, according to an article on Slate, he does do the drawings, but they are redrawn in between takes to speed things up. What makes me want to see this guy get chased by the dry eraser is that we now know that he isn’t REALLY doing the drawing on the fly, so the magic is gone and now it’s not as catchy and cool.

Reality Shows
I will cry about this till I am blue in the face and then some. Of course, there is no way in hell I will ever see my dream come true. Not in 2010. Not in 3010. Reality shows are now a fact of life and they are like Walmart, taking over everything. How many shows and clones do we need? We all know reality television is fake, right? It’s professional wrestling that’s real, right?

With Jersey Shore being the latest show to capture the hearts and minds of idiot America, we have to realize that these folks are neither from Jersey nor are they even full blooded Italian, save Vinny, which is appropriately stereotypical. Ellen even tested these d-bags with a test and they flunked. Apparently, Snooki thought Canada was one of the original 13 colonies. Can we deport these idiots?

Shawtie / Shortie / Shorty
There are far too many songs with the term shawty in it. Nobody really wants to divulge WTF (Mandatory Internet slang quota reached) a shawty is and I really don’t care who is a shawty, if she’s out on the dance floor, has boots with fur, a fruity booty, or is like a memory in my head. Just stop it.

Reboots, Remakes, and Adaptations
This madness has to stop. Since Spider Man 4 fizzled, they’ve decided to reboot the franchise. We’ve got The Karate Kid which neglects the entire idea that Karate was a Japanese form of martial arts since the reboot is set in China. We’ve got a Nightmare on Elm Street remake with the guy from Bad News Bears playing Freddy Krueger. Highlander and Red Dawn remakes. We’ve got a new Clash of the Titans coming out, a Night of the Demons remake, We’ve got an A-Team movie, Johnny Quest movie, and a Smurfs movie. SMURFS!!!!!  I mean EFFING SMURFS!  And John Lithgow and Wallace Shawn are in it.  Didn’t y’all learn from G.I. Joe, Speed Racer and Transformers? You know what insanity is, doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result.   SMURFS!

Snowmageddon 2010

In 1993, the South Western PA area had one of its biggest storms to date. It was deemed the Storm of the Century. It was fitting as how there was less than 10 years left in that century. Not that bold of a statement considering. Of course, at that time, you had to see a plow truck on its roof in a ditch to cancel in my hometown. The following year, during which I was a freshman at Pitt, we had one of the coldest winters on record. To know the campus in Oakland, you are aware of the wind whipping in between buildings. As you turn a corner onto Forbes or Fifth Avenue, the protection of the tall structures are gone and you are enveloped by gust of icy daggers, ripping into your skin. Still, classes went on as the temperatures dipped into the sub zero range.

It wasn’t until, then Governor, Bob Casey was in town for a routine check up on his heart that the issue of cancelling classes was addressed. The Governor put the city into a state of emergency and classes were immediately cancelled. Of course, that effectively closed all student services and I was left to eating cold cereal or Ramen Noodles for sustenance. Still we dealt with it.

Now, to compare the events of this past weekend to those of the Tsunami in 2004, Hurricane Katrina in 2005, or the earthquake in either China in 2009 or the one in Haiti this past January is stretching it a bit. Fact of the matter is that we’ve been spoiled for far too long. Me included. We all sit around and wax nostalgic about having three feet of snow, no school for a week, and a snowman bigger than that damn statue on LOST. And in that same breath we bitch about how we never see that kind of weather anymore. My wife is a snow junkie and wants to see it up to the window. Me, I’d rather have snow on the ground for most of December, including Christmas, and then be done after January 15th.

So, when my wife got all excited that we were going to get “some” snow to the tune of four to eight inches, as was originally predicted by the local meteorologists, she got into this nesting mood and decided that we needed to go out and buy lots of food to hold us over until Monday. “Oh, it will be nice. We’ll make warm dinners and sit and watch the snow in our nice warm home.” Then, as the hours rolled on into Friday afternoon, and the snow started to fall, the tune changed. “Get your ass home, we’re getting a foot of snow!” This was the call I got at work on Friday around 3:00. As we continued to watch the news the totals jumped every hour until we were expecting up to 18 inches. The lights began to flicker in and out as the heavy wet snow began to cake up on the trees and power lines.

Well, we were ready for the snow. We went to bed in awe of the thick fluffy blanket that descended onto our house and trees and cars. What we weren’t ready for was the power outage.

I woke up around 7:00 and called to cancel an appointment I was supposed to have at 10:00. That was because I had a “Dude, where’s my car?” moment when I looked out in the driveway. I went back to sleep for a couple of hours and figured I wake up and enjoy some time in my chair watching the snow and drinking some coffee. Around 9:30, I woke up and we had no power. By 11:00. The temperature was down to 68 in the house and falling. We had no wireless signal due to the outage and our basement, was slowly falling below 56. We made the decision to tough it out at my in-laws until the power came back on later. I spent a good two hours shoveling the driveway and the cars out of the snow. Our road was completely bare because all of the snow was now in our driveway. While the shoveling went smoothly up near the house, the treated snow that was on the road had melted and packed down in my driveway after being plowed. It was harder than hell to get rid of it.

As the temperature inside the house reached the low 50s, we packed out enough for an overnight trip and left. Our cats, which I hated to leave had enough fur to keep them warm, and they could always tunnel underneath our bed covers to stay warm. We were heading for civilization. While our road was sufficiently plowed, the surrounding main roads were hardly touched. We barely made it to my in-laws who were nice enough to carve out a space in their driveway that was big enough for our van.

Every couple of hours, I called the house to see if our answering machine picked up, letting me know the ordeal was over. No change. I called the power company who told me that the best prediction for all customers to have power restored was Friday. This was a week after the storm. I feared we were going to have to pack up our cats and bring them over to the house, putting us at eight in one house, which is only three cats shy of crazy cat lady status. That evening we went back to check on the cats and became excited. As we drove through our neighborhood we saw signs of power on along our road. However, once we reached the top of our hill we noticed a block or so section that was still in the dark. Our hearts sank as we feared that our hopes of dodging that deadline of Friday was too good to be true.

My wife and I slept in her old bed which was uncomfortably small. If this was going to be an extended stay we needed to make better arrangements. We decided to go back Sunday morning and retrieve the mattress from our old futon as well as enough clothes and food to help out her parents throughout the week. We both travelled back to our house along the bad roads and found that the temperature in the house was now 48. The refrigerator was defrosting and the tray underneath was full. We had taken the biggest items that required cold and put them in a cooler on our back porch, which was down near 30 degrees as the outside temperature dipped down towards zero. I built a fire in the basement to being the temp back up over 50 and we gathered up the rest of our stuff needed for the week. We fed the cats and made a plan to bring them back over if the temperature dropped below freezing. We also turned the faucets onto a drip after running hot water through the pipes.

After coming back to my in-laws I learned that some electric company trucks were in the area and hopefully we’d be back in business soon. That estimate of Friday made me still cringe because I realized that the power company was going to hit the biggest areas first to restore the most power to the most residents. Then they would move on down the line picking up the few spots that still needed it. That meant that our area would probably be last as we were only a couple of blocks among thousands of residents without power.

We unpacked all our belongings, stocked their fridge and made preparations to be there for awhile. Just about time for Super Bowl kickoff, I felt the urge to try calling the house one last time. A few of my Facebook friends who lived in the area were without power and had updated their status to say they were back up and running. The previous attempts to dial were met with no ringing and that familiar shrilling tone and voice that stated it was sorry that it could not complete my call. This time was different. One ring. I was slightly excited. Two rings. I was getting more excited. Three rings. Oh, boy! Four rings. Hot damn. “H, you’ve reached…” My answering machine picked up the call. Our power was restored. And probably within a half hour of us leaving with most of our worldly possessions. “Son of a bitch” I yelled. Just to be sure, I called again and as the fourth ring passed, I held the phone up to my wife’s ear. “Yeah!”

I took a car load back and shut off most of the faucets. I made sure everything was still running and the temp was already up to 64 degrees. Yep, it had come back on shortly after we left. As we settled back in to our home, got warm showers and slept in our nice soft, BIG bed we realized that we don’t appreciate what people go without on a regular basis. We take for granted the simplest of luxuries that we think of as just standard, everyday rights. You walk through a darkened house and immediately try the same light switches fourteen times because you just assume that they work and don’t even realize that you still don’t have power. It’s habit, not instinct. Instinct would be making yourself more prepared for such an outage. Having enough warm blankets for the duration of the outage or at least enough flashlights to see where you are going.

But, in all, we bitched and moaned about not having power for a total of 24 to 30 hours. The storm rated fourth on the list of total inches of snowfall in our area, behind that storm from 1993. We lost power but didn’t end up any worse than being put out of a weekend. For all the fear of freezing pipes and kitties, the temperature never went below 40 degrees in our house. It just goes to show that if you want to get your power back on in a storm, don’t call and complain to the power company. Don’t twitter or bitch on Facebook or hope to use other social networking sites to shame your provider into working faster. All you have to do is pack up all your stuff and plan to be out of your home for a week. Then, the power will magically be restored once you unpack at your temporary shelter.

Oh, and don’t buy a hell of a lot of food that needs to be refrigerated. That’s a sure fire way to get your power to go off in the first place. Take care to all those still in the dark and stuck in the snow.