A Gremlin Lives In Malibu

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That’s what I hear out in my driveway.

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What the hell?

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That’s my car!

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I run out to my driveway to find the car horn repeatedly blaring and the lights flashing. There is no one around the 2005 Malibu Maxx, not a soul, and here it is, just convulsing in an audio/visual manner.

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I reach into my pocket and push the keyless entry button and everything stops. It’s the weirdest thing because I don’t have a car alarm. Now, there is a theft deterrent system by which tampering with the car can cause this to happen. It even has a system built in where if someone attempts to try and start the car with an unrecognized key, it shuts down the fuel pump. But there is no one around the vehicle. Sometimes, I will find a stray cat sleeping on the hood of the car when it’s been recently run, but the car has just been sitting in the driveway all day.

After a complete checkout of the car, I go back inside and continue my latest obsession, PAIN, for the PS3. This totally addictive game has got me flinging David Hasselhoff all over amusement parks, city blocks, and fictional movie studio back lots. It has really no point other than using the hoff’s body as a source of bodily and architectural destruction. I mean I have wasted more hours on….

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WTF?!? (< - - txtspeak daily quota reached)

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Oh come on. I was just about to destroy half the city with a giant bowling ball.

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Again, I push the button on my key ring. This is ridiculous. Is someone messing with me? Does someone have an electronic device that is activating the car? OK, this is nuts. I’m just going to leave the car unlocked. Now, where was I? Oh yes, grabbing an old lady with a walker and throwing her into the subway…

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COME ON!

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Perhaps it’s my keys? I tend to stuff more items into my pocket than a chipmunk does food in his mouth. I can’t tell you how many times my cell phone has shut off, buzzed for no reason, or called my Mother-In-Law. Perhaps the buttons on my key ring are activating some kind of panic button. I once again push the button to leave the car unlocked and now my keys are nowhere near me.

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This is ridiculous.

Later that night, I worried about leaving the car unlocked in the driveway. While, I believe I live in a safe neighborhood, there have been reports in the past of thieves and attempted home invasions in the area. As I lie there, I slowly start to drift into that zone between sleep and awake where you feel far away from everything and your mind is on autopilot downloading the evenings dream playlist.

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Lights shining in the bedroom window and noises threatening to wake my daughter, my neighbors, and nearby communities. I scramble out of bed tripping over one cat and onside kicking another one trying to get to my keys tucked away in my pants on the floor in front of the bed.

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SHUT UP CAR!

The light show ceases and now I am fully awake. I lay my keys next to me on the nightstand and drift back to sleep.

BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ

Morning already?

These events occur randomly throughout the next few days, and nights, and I have yet to figure out an explanation. Is it the key chain? Don’t know. I’ve already cycled through the internal options on security from RKE to PASSIVE and back to RKE. I would like to just disable the feature. My next attempt at determining a root cause is to remove the battery from my key chain and see if that stops it. If I’m wrong, not only will it keep happening, but I will probably have a broken key chain unable to stop it. The worst part is I am two weeks from the end of my smart buy lease and have yet to get any kind of refinancing numbers from GMAC or the dealership.

If this is a huge fix…I might have to consider turning it in at the end of the month.

Guess what? The battery trick didn't work. It happened while I was away from the car with my keys and now I can't get the buttons to work anymore.

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Damnit!