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Tuesday, December 22, 2009

2009 D-Bag Awards - Heat Five: Million Dollar D-Bags

In the game of Monopoly, he who owns everything is the winner. In the D-Bag Awards, those who do so by means which are considered shady and ridiculously low class are the winner. So, for this match up, the following contestants will compete in a “Biggest D-Bag Take All” Game of Monopoly.

  • Wall Street (The Wheelbarrow)
  • Auto Industry (The Racecar)
  • Fox (The Dog which we’ll call a Fox)
  • NBC (Thimble which represents Jay Leno’s chin)
  • Raj Rajaratnam (The Battleship or Galleon)
  • Bernie Madoff (The Sack of Money: Deluxe Editions)
Since anyone of these contestants could drop off the map, let’s do a quick play scenario. On the board we have our six contestants. Each one will take a Chance card which will decide their fate.
First up is The Auto Industry. Representing the Auto Industry is Ford, GM, and Chrysler. You may remember their CEOs made the trek to Washington in 2008, looking for money to bail them out in hopes that they could get more federal funds to stem the bleeding from the recession. They did. So, here’s their turn.

CHANCE: Elected Chairman of the Board. Give yourself a bonus, cut workforce production, go bankrupt and be replaced.

Next up, Wall Street. With the TARP funded bailout last year, one would hope that Wall Street would have learned their lesson and been a better boy this year. Not likely, After lavish retreats and continued bonuses, we realized that the bailout really didn’t trickle down all that much. Yeah, the country didn’t go under and the Earth continues to turn, but even in paying back TARP funds, some banks look to make a profit by cutting the interest and passing along the bill to you.

CHANCE: Your Xmas Fund Matures. Pay back loans early and deny the hand that feeds you with stock prices that cut the amount of money paid back leaving you a profit. Get out from under the thumb of the government so you can go back to paying bonuses for suits and cosmetic changes to your offices. Continue to bend public over a chair as mortgages continue to be foreclosed on in America.

Third in turn is Fox. Fox has gone on such a high this year thanks to the addition of the show glee. However, this is the same company that managed to shift good shows to Friday night’s graveyard while relying on American Idol to win them all the money in the world. That and they copyrighted the word “glee”, but that’s another story.

CHANCE: That’s right. Fox doesn’t take chances. They just cut and run when shows aren't performing that well. The fan club of Dollhouse thanks you.

Next up, NBC. NBC has long been considered one of the best networks. After all, with shows like Law & Order, The Cosby Show, Cheers, ER, Friends, and The Tonight Show in your stable, you must have been doing something right, right? FlashForward to September 2009 and you’ll see why they are in contention.

CHANCE: Advance token to nearest high roller cable company and offer to be bought while simultaneously killing your schedule by doing away with 10pm dramas in hopes that Jay Leno will bring everyone over to watch his new show. Honestly, if Comcast gets controlling stock of NBC, you will see tons of issues. Think about wanting to watch your favorite show and seeing the TV Guide list a four block of time when it might show up.

Raj Rajaratnam, you’re up. Raj has taken time out of his busy schedule today of pleading not guilty to 11 counts of insider trading and we thank him for that.

CHANCE: You’ve been given insider information. Now that’s not even remotely a real card, but then again, we are dealing with a hedge fund. Raj denies benefiting from insider information dealing with a merger between IBM and Sun Microsystems. That non information led to a non million dollar windfall for Raj’s funds. Being a relatively non player in the game of nonsense, Raj is no match for our final contestant.

Bernie Madoff, come on down. As you can see, Bernie is being led to the board in a wonderful orange jumpsuit. That’s because Bernie has already been convicted of running the biggest ponzi scheme this side of organized religion. He managed to ruin more people’s lives than the Internet.

CHANCE: Go Directly Back To Jail, You D-BAG!

The list of Madoff’s d-baggery is so extensive will be in jail for the next two lifetimes and that’s still not enough punishment. There is a special level of Hades for this d-bag and I hope he’s made friends with the sisters on the inside. I’d love to hear that voice over being done by Morgan Freeman.

Today’s match brought to you by Cash4Gold and other fine scam artists.

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