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Wednesday, December 23, 2009

2009 D-Bag Awards - Heat Six: Deadly D-Bags

For our last heat from the first round, I want you to imagine a high stakes poker game. Around the mahogany legged and green felt topped table, four D-Bags sit, sipping very old scotch. Each one has a set of chips on the table and they pass the time between hands chit chatting about their accomplishments. Here are your players.

  • H1N1
  • Salmonella
  • Death
  • Conrad Murray

As the dealer hands out the cards, Salmonella and H1N1 begin boasting their statistics over how many they have killed.

Salmonella: Why just this past week I caused a recall of Whole Foods Market hazelnuts in at least 7 states. I raise the pot to 600 for the year.

H1N1: II raise the bet to 10,582 deaths in more than 208 countries. In fact, the vaccine they’re giving to people doesn’t necessarily work and the ones they gave to kids aren’t that effective. The bet’s to you Conrad.

Conrad Murray: I bet one.

Others: ONE!?!?

Murray: Yes, but it was Michael Jackson. The biggest pop star in the world.

At this moment the H1N1, Salmonella and Death all look at Conrad and begin laughing. Soon, Conrad starts becoming sickened and looks down at the dish of peanuts he’s been eating. Salmonella chuckles and takes credit for the contaminated nuts. Then Murray develops a fever and becomes ill and looks at the cards which H1N1 dealt to him. H1N1 laughs as Murray realizes that H1N1 had gotten germs on the cards before dealing them to Murray. A few minutes go by as Murray sits there vomiting and sneezing, yet does not die. H1N1 and Salmonella sit and wait for hours, yet Murray does not die.

Suddenly, there is a crack in the air. The sound and glint of a blade slices through Murray’s chest, killing him instantly. H1N1 and Salmonella both look at Death who is now wiping his scythe on tie of the deceased doctor.

Death: You see boys. As much as you want to take credit for being the biggest cause of death this year, you have to realize that Murray, here, was in relatively good health when he sat down at the table. H1N1, you thought by giving him cold, he would die, and salmonella, you thought by poisoning his food you could accomplish the same. Now, you're both dangerous, but you guys are nothing compared to a real force of destruction. Murray may have contributed to the demise of Michael Jackson, but it was I that stood up and took the soul of the singer beyond this world. In fact, every time you want to pat yourselves on the back for causing a death, you fail to understand that I’m the one who shows up to collect.

This past year I’ve killed more people than the three of you combined. In 2009 I singlehandedly changed the face of pop culture with taking Michael Jackson, Natasha Richardson, Ricardo Montalban, Patrick McGoohan, Pat Hingle, John Hughes, Lou Albano, Soupy Sales, DJ AM, Farah Fawcett, Ed McMahon, Patrick Swayze, Mary Travers, Les Lye, David Carradine, two Kennedys, Henry Gibson, Dom DeLuise, Brittany Murphy, the ten o'clock hour of NBC's schedule and the last survivor of the Titanic. Now, if you boys want to talk relevancy, how about you go play with seasonal flu. I hear he averages at least 36,000 deaths a year.

Well, Death goes all in and wins the match, bony hands down. Stay tuned for round two.

This match is sponsored by soap. Preventing the transfer of germs for centuries. Also, sponsorship by the human race. Statistically speaking, human flu kills more per year than animal based flu. Humans; still the leading cause of death in everything.

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