2013 D-Bag Awards Round Two: The Fellowship of the D-Bags

• Mother Nature
• Humanity
• Congress
• Hollywood
• The Brothers Tsarnaev
• George Zimmerman
• Aaron Hernandez
• Black Friday
• Phone Companies

There are your nominees for the biggest douche bag in 2013.   Look at them.  Each one deserving of the title, but only one will walk away with the right to be called as such. 

It’s been a long year for us.  We’ve survived natural disasters and possibly being shot by George Zimmerman or Aaron Hernandez.  The Boston Marathon bombing taught us not only that we are strong as a society but severely flawed in our hatred and stupidity towards those people and things we think are different.   We elevate stupidity to lofty heights and reward companies for being douches by raking honest working people for a buck.  We’d call our congressman and tell them what’s up, but they already know what we’re talking about anyway and they’re probably on recess anyway and not going to listen.  I guess you could say it sounds just like a really bad movie involving sharks and tornadoes, but that would never get made, RIGHT?

So, looking at that list of nine entries, it’s hard to narrow down one particular contestant and say that THEY are the biggest douche bag.

Then again, maybe it isn’t that hard.  Maybe the answer is pretty easy.  Look at that list.  Everything boils down into two columns; Nature and People.  Mother Nature tore Death a new one in the last round, but it’s still nothing compared to the sheer force of hate and stupidity that is humanity.  This year, with all of the issues: same sex marriage, racism, bullying, rewarding stupid famous people, and sharing it all on the Internet, we have sunk to new lows.   We hate with more vitriol than I think we have ever done so, before.  We have gone to greater lengths to screw one another over, keep each other down, and simply just hate.   And it’s not that there isn’t a bright and shining center in all of this, but it’s so clouded over with the general blech of people being spiteful and entitled and bratty.   The entire human race needs a good spanking and for that the 2013 D-Bag Of the Year Award goes to us.

We deserve it.   Next year, let’s try harder to not be such assholes.

2013 D-Bag Awards Round One: Richie Incognito vs. Aaron Hernandez

It’s the 2013 D-Bag Awards.  Continuing on Round One we come to the Sports Round.   

Richie Incognito vs. Aaron Hernandez

In this corner we have Richie Incognito, the Miami Dolphin Guard who bullied Jonathan Martin.   It was pure speculation that he did harass Martin but that all came to a head when a racial epithet laden voice mail came out and it was pretty apparent.  Now, the defense is that Incognito was acting under orders to “toughen” up Martin and he just took it too far.  Thing is, Incognito has had a reputation of bad behavior.  In 2009 he was considered, by the Sporting News, as the NFL’s dirtiest, voted for by players.   But, in other instances he’s been on the good end of things, so, which is it?  Roid Rage, Douche bag tactics, or simple misunderstanding?

Now, in this corner we have Aaron Hernandez, the former New England Patriot Tight End, who is currently a free agent and being investigated for murder.   Prior to the charges, he allegedly shot Alex Bradley, a friend.  But, Bradley declined to name Hernandez as the shooter and charges were dropped.  Before that was a double homicide investigation in Boston.  No arrest was made.   And earlier, in 2007, he was involved in an altercation with a bar employee over a bill.  After the argument ended, Hernandez decided to make sure the employee knew he won by punching him in the side of the head.   Clearly, he got his point across.

So, who wins this round?

With a bullet… It’s Hernandez.

Why?

Um… yeah…. If we have to explain this to you, then you clearly do not understand.  Look, we live in a day and age where bullying is a big deal.  IT IS!  Was I bullied as a kid?  Of course.  I was a glass wearing, brace wearing, dumpy clothes wearing nerd who got hounded by bullies all the time.  I survived.   That doesn’t make it right.  It just meant I handled it better than some.  Not everyone will overcome being bullied.  But, I also didn’t end up dead.   Hernandez, while still not convicted, has more and more evidence mounting against him.  He’s just a big ole murderous douche, if convicted.  Therefore, he’s our winner.